The Chair-Armed Quarterback

NFL Draft: The Cap, The Bonuses, and The Rookies

2008-04-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Holding the Number 1 pick in the upcoming draft, the Miami Dolphins have signed offensive lineman Jake Long to a five-year, $57.5 million dollar contract, which includes a $30 million signing bonus.

Thus, thanks to the current system, the highest-paid offensive lineman in the entire NFL has yet to take a snap in an official, regular season game.

Somehow, this kid ended up with more money than Walter Jones, and Jones is only in the conversation when one is talking about the best current offensive lineman in the game.

Somehow, this kid is making better money than Tom Brady (who is forced to date Giselle Bundchen at $60 million over six seasons).

And sink or swim, Hall of Fame or Ryan Leaf-bust, he's $30 million richer forever. If ~~Michael Vick~~ He Who Shall Not Be Named can avoid forfeiture of his massive signing bonus after doing a federal perp walk, Long's bonus money still goes into his off-shore account...even if the only thing he can block is the quarterback's view of the field.

With all that said, is this necessarily a bad thing?

Could it be that the system actually...gulp...works?

If it is true that untested rookies at the top of the draft are being unfairly compensated for skills they may or may not be able to demonstrate under duress, it is also true that football salaries are not year-to-year, or even game-to-game, but play by play.

For all that the aforementioned Jones and Brady are supposed to earn, those numbers are largely fantasies. Let either one of them shred every connective tissue in a knee, and you could use their contracts to paper the cracks in your walls. In one sense, then, it's fair because even bonus babies can get cut (see Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, Blair Thomas, etc), salary cap penalties notwithstanding.

And what about that massive and guaranteed signing bonus?

Guaranteed bonuses are how players protect themselves financially in the event of a catastrophic injury.

In the NFL, a catastrophic injury occurs in every game. It's not a question of if, or even when, but to how many. Thus, in this case, guys who are drafted high with an expectation of contributing right away are protected against whatever calamity may befall them.

Still...it just looks wrong, doesn't it? Damn near $60 million, even though half of that amount is in theory, is still a large chunk of change to throw at someone who has never taken a snap in anger at the NFL level. The problem is that there's just not a more equitable way to restrict rookie salaries, for all of the apparent ugliness of the current system.

In the "seems like common sense" pile, I have heard argument that restricting rookies at the top of the draft to "X" amount (whatever seems reasonable to whomever is making the argument) will result in more dollars for veteran players.

No, really.

There are adults who are not currently on Schedule-3 narcotics who actually believe this, in spite of all evidence to the contrary regarding NFL owners.

Paraphrasing Mike Ditka, they toss nickels around like manhole covers. Anyone who thinks the average owner would take savings from a rookie cap and apply said savings to veteran players is nuts.

Right now, teams cut veterans in the off-season, only to re-sign the same guys to lower deals in many cases. If a rookie cap gets instituted, I dare you to show me the owner who wouldn't sign three rookies at one veteran's price. And a rookie cap guarantees MORE rookies available to be signed, not fewer, because they would come cheaper...and every rookie signed is another veteran out of a job, with the cash difference going right back into the owner's pocket.

The only other problem with guys like Long getting these huuuge deals is that the deals are, well, huuuge. The average fan, who can barely pay his basic cable bill to watch the games from his couch, just can't wrap his head around a number that big and come up with the word "fair."

But let's not cry for the owners here, all you "they've got a right to earn money too" knuckledraggers. The owners have invented ways to separate fans from their money that would bring P.T. Barnum to tears of genuine awe.

Consider t.v. money. The players get 60% of that revenue, and some people wrongly think that the owners are getting hosed here.

Just do the math, bunky: no matter how much revenue the league and the players share, the players' slice of the pie is still cut 1664 unequal ways. That means that 60% of a $6 billion dollar broadcast package from a network is worth a little over $2 million per player on average.

Cut the remaining $2.4 billion into 32 slices, and the average owner gets $75 million.

That was from just one network. At last check, there are four networks competing to be one of three that show NFL games, and the current price tag sits at a combined total of $21 billion.

We haven't even gotten into the other ways that the NFL separates you from your cash, like personal seat licenses, luxury suites, and game day tickets that require a co-signor and a credit check.

So, uh, it's pretty safe to assume that the owners aren't going to be eating t.v. dinners anytime soon.

And Jake Long gets filthy rich just for being first in line.

It works...but it just looks weird.

A Small List...

2008-04-02T07:10:00.001-07:00

...of everything that has happened since my beloved Cubbies last won the World Series (1908):

1. Radio was invented.
2. TV was invented.
3. Movies gained both color AND sound
4. MLB added 14 teams.
5. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th,
80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
6. Haley’s Comet passed Earth...twice.
7. Blues, jazz, rock, and rap music were all created.
8. Women gained the right to vote.
9. Alcohol was prohibited.
10. The prohibition of alcohol was repealed...have one on me!
11. World War 1
12. The Great Depression
13. World War 2
14. The U.S.S.R. was born...AND died...
15. The whole Cold War thing happened.
16. Chuck Yeager breaks the sound barrier.
17. The computer was invented.
18. The transistor was invented.
19. The entire civil rights movement happened.
20. Sputnik
21. Yuri Gagarin becomes the first man in outer space.
22. Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to walk on the surface of the moon.
23. Hippies...wow.
24. 11 amendments were added to the U.S. Constitution.
25. 18 U.S. presidents were elected...or, if you like, 17 were EEElected, one was SEE-lected...heh heh heh...
26. Three other North American sports leagues were created (NBA, NHL, and NFL) and Chicago teams have won championships in each one.
27. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of a major motion picture.
28. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
29. A combination of 40 summer and winter Olympics have been held.
30. The internet was invented.
31. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, Florida Marlins, and Chicago White Sox have ALL won the World Series.
32. Harry Carey was born...AND died...
33. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to
the Union.
34. And, in spite of all this, Cub Fans continue to hold out hope that THIS is THE YEAR!

Playoff Prognostications Extra - My Picks Are Here!

2008-01-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

(For those who are curious, Bill's picks are contained in the post following this one. He's having a little internet trouble this week...something about too much porn blowing up his servers...)

Last Week
Bill 2-2
Van 2-2

Playoffs
Bill 5-3
Van 4-4

First off, I would like to concede the playoff portion of the picks to Bill because, frankly, I ain’t got it in me to pick against the Patriots at any point in this season. Congrats, Bill, you lucky (expletive).

Bill: Thanks, brother. You’re a lucky expletive, too.

Second, for those of you who read both of our comments, you’ll note that Bill called me a “yak-licking bastard” last week, and I’d like to respond to that charge. On one hand, I know who my parents are, even if they did occasionally change identities and addresses while I was gone for the day. And on the other hand, yak-licking is perfectly legal up and socially acceptable here in the yurt, although it can become habit-forming…something about the nicotine in the hooves.

Bill: Thus was it spake and thus shall ever it be. This is exactly how people get stuck with goofy nicknames, although not many could aspire to the snappy euphonia that is “yak-licking bastard.”

Once again, back, it’s the incredible…

Bill: You write memos?

NFC Championship
NY Giants vs. Green Bay Packers
Bill – Green Bay
Van – Green Bay

So, there I am, watching the Giants continue their scientifically-impossible bumblebee flight through the playoffs, disposing of an allegedly superior opponent in the Cowboys, when it hit me:

These playoffs now have a storyline: Brett Favre.

Not that we were bereft of storylines, mind you. There is, of course, the Patriots and their “Empire Strikes Back” march through the season. There is also the fact that a Manning is still playing, and it ain’t Peyton…but right now it’s all Brett, all the time.

And there is no proof whatsoever that Mrs. Madden uses the 1996 Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Video to get John out of the Maddencruiser and into a lovin’ mood...but I digress.

Bill: Consider us even for the whole Andy-Reid-in-a-loincloth thing, you yak-licking bastard.

Brett Favre is about to receive man-love on a scale heretofore unknown. It’s so bad, life-long Bears fans (!!) are weeping into their Old Styles about the thought that Farf (dat’s wat da Nort’ Siders call ‘im, Farf...or dat gaddam Farf...) will be going back to the Super Bowl.

Oh, yes, we will be subjected to sepia-toned, slow-motion replays of Favre running with his helmet in his hand, wild joy splashed across his bewhiskered face, right hand raised in a clenched fist of triumph. Someone in the production department will break out his copy of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” for the video highlights package that shows off the thunderbolt from God that Favre calls a right arm, or his ability to absorb hits that would total a Ford Focus. There will be testimonials from current and former teammates and opponents praising him outrageously.

Bill: Actually, everyone else is trying to forget Slayer. I’m white and I think Slayer sucks. Of course, I think Toby Keith and Nickelback are worse, so I’m about to get my card pulled, anyway. Whatever. White people.

And if we’re REALLY lucky, we’ll see that great clip of him running around the sideline and yelling at anyone in front of him “Put ‘er in the ol’ vise!!” which is Farf-ian for “shake my mighty right hand, and cower, brief mortal.”

Bill: I have this horrible confession to make – before this season started, I thought of Favre as a borderline Hall-of-Famer. A compiler. A half-step ahead of Vinny Testaverde. Rafael Palmeiro without the juice. It had been so long since Favre had played well, so long since the Packers had been relevant to anybody south of the frozen tundra, that I forgot he had not always been Tommy Kramer. He was a guy whose image could never entirely be remade from his Vicodin addiction (given the heated competition for depravity in the sports world these days, it is hard to imagine that this was ever anything more than a small point of interest). Now he is gold. Platinum. He is first-ballot, unanimous. He is David Bowie, a guy whose record of excellence covers such staggering breadth that his missteps make him better rather than worse. Watching him play so well this year with such apparent joy probably affected all guys the same way – we all remembered what it was like and envied Favre his ability to keep his head straight about it all. I remember thinking before this year that if he was so great, he would have an endorsement besides Wrangler Jeans (which I do not exactly consider to be a cherry gig). Now he has this big Prilosec campaign in which he never even appears. They just use his name over and over. I can no longer remember what my objections were to Favre’s deityship.

Coincidentally, there will be no highlights of Aaron Rodgers gnawing on his liver in the midst of all this. Rodgers, you’ll remember, was the guy who was drafted to replace what was an old quarterback three seasons ago. Every time Farf hinted at retirement, Rodgers would get all excited and run in with the first team offense, only for Brett to horse-collar him and yell “PSYCHE!!” And the worst part for Rodgers is that Farf could conceivably play at his current level for a looooong time, especially with the kind of toys in place (Greg Jennings, James Jones, Donald Lee, Ryan Grant) that Brett likes to play with.

Nope, it’s all Brett, all the time. Sadly, he will get to the Super Bowl, only to get crushed by the machine that is the Patriots, which will only give people more incentive to hate the Greatest. Team. Ever.

Bill: One more point – athletes get bigger, faster and stronger by the decade. You can only compare a team relative to its own era. Virtually no team could beat even a bad team from a succeeding era. I am sure you have read about the computer model where the 2007 Patriots beat the 1940 Bears 73-0. There is no way, NO WAY, that the 1940 Bears could hold the 2007 Patriots to 73 points. The 2007 Redskins barely held the Patriots to 73 points. All the toothless, demented whiners who think that the 1972 Dolphins could line up and beat the 2007 Patriots are unforgivably stupid. The ’07 Pats would make the ’90 Niners look like the ’90 Broncos, ya feel me? I will not even begin to list the thousands of incredibly logical reasons for all of this. If you don’t know, you can’t know, but it’s true.

Van’s Counterpoint – This is precisely what irks me about people who try to take credit away from the Patriots this season. People act like teams have been laying down against the Pats, as though the ’62 Packers would have fared any better. Here’s a hint: NO THEY WOULDN’T. The Pats have been so dominant this season that one of the chief complaints against them was that they ran up the score. Quoth Li’l John, “WWWHAT?” This is the NFL, a man’s game by any measure. There ain’t no running up of the damn score. But when people are complaining that they were winning games by too large a margin, that they should have called the dogs off long before things got out of hand, that is what I call DOMINANT. This team only lacks the Super Bowl to enter into rare air indeed. They wouldn’t be in a class all by themselves, but it wouldn’t take long to call the roll: 1927 Yankees (110-44), 1996 Bulls (72-10), and 2007 Patriots.

Playoff Prognostications - The Championship Round

2008-01-18T23:35:00.000-08:00

A columnist for the Fort Worth Star Telegram once said of the Dallas Mavericks during their early 90’s nadir that you could go to Reunion Arena for any home game and sit in any section and hear somebody say, “What the hell was that?”

Van: I laughed my butt off when I read that. Gotta love sportswriters...nobody, and I mean NOBODY comes up with better snaps than sportswriters do.

All over football nation this past weekend, during those baffling fourth quarters where somehow the deservedly maligned Chargers and Giants both managed not to lose games, the cry went up in unison.

What the hell was that?

I am not surprised at the Colts or Cowboys, both very good teams with enough history of giving it up that nothing was inconceivable (inconceivable!), but I am surprised at the Bolts and G-Men, both of whom I can throw roughly as far as I trust them.

Weird thing was, I had already moved on. Chalk, chalk, chalk, and go drink until I can cash my tickets and roll to the place in the Forum shops that serves margaritas in giant footballs. Y’all feel me.

That’s right. I have spent the last week trying to figure out who would win the Ivy League basketball crown this year. Before you say Penn, check this out. After considerable research, I know only that this year’s Ivy League rep will pull no better than a 15 seed, will be at least a 25 point dog and will not cover.

Since we still have obligations to meet here, let us dispense with the obvious.

AFC Championship
San Diego at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
While it should be cold in beautiful downtown Foxboro, it will not rain, it will not snow and there will be only a mild breeze. What this means is that we have removed most reasonable impediments to the Patriots scoring 50 points.

Will they?

I doubt it. I have nothing to go on here except history. There are very few conference final blowouts. After the performances of Michael Turner and Billy Volek, have we all perhaps underestimated the dynamic duo of Norv Turner and A.J. Smith? These two are like Frederick, Leo Leonni’s immortal mouse who appears to be doing nothing while his buddies are collecting food for winter. Then when all the food runs out he sustains them with the warmth and colors he was collecting while everybody else was working. Maybe Turner and Smith were busy investing energy and resources in their bench, effort invisible until a time of crisis. Yeah, me neither. But something we do not understand is going on there, because a month ago we could all sleep soundly knowing that the idiots were running the asylum in San Diego, and now the idiots are the final sacrificial lamb left available in the AFC.

By the way, I would like to go on record as believing Randy Moss. I am not in any way saying that this is a good human being, an example to which I want my boys to aspire, but the timing of the accusation should be admissible evidence of extortion.

Van: When the defendant is silent for a long time, or says something about “waiting to sort out all the facts” or some other such lawyer-ese, he’s guilty as sin (see Clemens, Roger). When, as in this case, the defendant’s lawyers have already gone public very loudly, especially after Moss’ unscripted comments on the situation were broadcast, it looks like Moss is the one with nothing to hide.
Igor Olshansky, what the hell was that?

26-28. What the hell was that?

Igor, meet Tom. Tom, Igor. Igor, meet Anthony Smith. Ask him how that whole talking thing went for him.

Theoretically, the Chargers match up very well with the Pats. They have big, physical corners who both cover and take measured chances. I have no idea who covers Wes Welker, so see if he blows up, but Randy Moss may struggle here. It may have escaped everyone’s attention in the Fall of Love, but Moss prefers not to be touched, much less jammed.

Van: Here’s your dark horse, stat boy: Laurence Maroney. Check out his recent rushing totals. As you pointed out, the Chargers will be ready to jam receivers and bring the rain to Tom Brady. Don’t think that the Belicheat ain’t already there with a nice little play-action package that gets Maroney in the game early and takes some of the edge off that pass rush. And, as far as Moss goes, remember: all he has to do is get behind someone once. After that, the Chargers corners will be standing on the goal line before they let him burn them again. It sez so right here that Laurence Maroney is the MVP of this game.

The Chargers have the personnel to pressure Brady without blitzing, which is good since the blitzee gets over on that. Offensively, the Chargers run the ball, period. The best thing that could happen for them here is that Ryan Leaf, erm, Phillip Rivers is unable to go. And I realize this is heresy, and I am not saying that LaDainian Tomlinson is not the best running back of our generation, but if you had to sign only one running back for the next three years, given LT’s odometer, wouldn’t you consider making Michael Turner be your one?

Van: In the 88 year history of the NFL, only 27 players have more than 2,000 carries for a career. Only 6 have more than 3,000. Only Emmitt Smith has more than 4,000. Your boy LT is one of those with 2,000 carries. Just sayin'...

Belichick has them ready to play, and papa has a brand new bag of toys. You see at least three looks out of the Patriots this game that you have not seen all year, Norv and the rest of the Idiots struggle to adjust, the Patriots move to 18-0.

Quick Slants - Nobody Knows Nothin'

2008-01-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

Duuuuude...

When did the NFL Playoffs become the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament?

Right now, holes are being dug in the desert as a direct result of Sunday’s events, and I can barely be heard for the sound of Cadillacs laying rubber as they leave Atlantic City and Vegas in something of a hurry.

If there is one thing that is disappointing about both upsets, its that we could probably see them coming if we were honest.

Yes, the Chargers and the Giants have their flaws, most notably at QB, where, oddly enough, these guys were essentially traded for each other. Funny ol’ world, ain’t it, when the guy who should be ‘backing the Bolts is backing the Gints and vice versa...

Still, it ain’t like we haven’t seen this from either the Colts or the Cowboys before.

Before last season, Peyton Manning was going out like a hyper version of Dan Marino, all records and no rings.

The Cowboys? Ofer the franchise in Super wins since Jimmy Johnson’s players got old and retired to the Hall of Fame. For perspective’s sake, most of us don’t own cars that were brand new when the ‘Boys last hoisted the Lombardi Trophy.

All that said, the whole reason that the NFL re-seeds for the playoffs is to make sure that the best teams have the best chances to get through to the Super Bowl. First round byes, up until this season, have been damn near guarantees that the home team would play in their conference championship game.

Quoth Bill Murray, “And then...depression set in.”

Someone, anyone, please tell me how the Chargers beat the Colts. I know the score. I know who did what. I know who got hurt. It still just doesn’t add up.

In the name of all that’s holy, isn’t Norv Turner coaching the Chargers? Since when did he grow a brain?

And speaking of growing things, something must have dropped for Philip Rivers because his voice got deep all of a sudden and he’s getting hair in funny places, based on the game he turned in.

If Tony Dungy is so consumed with retirement talk that he can’t be bothered to defend his Super Bowl title, then he needs to be retired, period. There is absolutely no excuse for getting outcoached by a playoff tyro in Turner. None.
As far as the Cowboys go, it is official: Yoko Romo is going to get blamed waaaay more for this loss than she should.

Last I checked, she wasn’t the one in charge of keeping the Giant pass rush in check.

See, if someone figures out a way to keep Tony Romo from running for his life in the second half, he can probably make some better choices with the football.

Then, too, someone should probably get Patrick Crayton some stick’um...so that he can lock his lips shut and catch the damn football.

Good on the Chargers. Good on the Giants. Good on both Philip Rivers and Eli Manning, quarterbacks who have been maligned this season, and deservedly so. They have not played to the level of the QBs remaining in this tournament, guys like Brett Favre or (genuflect) Tom Brady. But they clearly brought their “A” games this weekend, when their teams needed them the most.

Good on Norv Turner. If I gave him the blame for the Chargers underachieving earlier in this season, then fairness demands that I give him the credit for righting the ship and actually improving on last season’s finish, something that I never thought would be possible.

Good on Tom Coughlin. This guy must know something about football, because it looked like his team was going to make him walk the plank earlier this season, and now they would open a vein for him.

At this point, nothing is automatic, except the outcome of the Patriots-Chargers game next weekend. If Rivers and LT are both hurting next week...fuggeddaboudit.

Can the Giants go to Green Bay and continue their road warrior ways all the way to the Super Bowl? Don’t ask me; I’ve only picked them to lose twice, and both times they’ve made me look like an idiot. Eli Manning has yet to have an Eli Manning game...but I reserve the right to remain skeptical. After all, I’ve seen this before from him. What I want is consistency. If he were (here we go) his brother, I’d love the Giants’ chances in Green Bay. So far, he has upheld the family name with honor. Can he keep it up?

I don’t know, but now it looks like this year’s Super Bowl is going to have a story line after all: sentimental favorite Brett Favre, versus the blue meanie Patriots.

And wouldn’t it be fitting for the Patriots to cap off the most dominant season in NFL history, only to be reviled for doing it to Brett By-God Favre?

More later...

Divisional Round Prognostications - Better Late Than Never, Part Deux

2008-01-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

(Van: See, these picks would have been posted on time, but apparently Bill still checks his e-mail with that damn smoke signal ISP that they use in Denver. Here in the yurt, we got the dish and wireless DSL baby...)

The interminable NFL off-season begins slowly in Denver.

Even as Van and I dwell on the positive, because we are positive guys, it is already the off-season for 99% of the world. In the Walker yurt in Outer Korea, for instance, it is the off-season 24/7/365. Think about that the next time you complain about your small kitchen.

Anyway, in Denver we do not fire people. We cut people in the middle of the season, we have assistants fly off to save Houston, but we do not fire people. If you do not fire anybody, you cannot hire anybody. The Senior Bowl and East-West Shrine Game practices have not started and the combines are months away. Even free agent players are still technically under contract, so we cannot talk to them or about them (which is not to say that we don’t, it is just very quiet, because Kommisar Goodell don’t take no mess).

Van: Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

But much like “it’s noon somewhere,” the NFL season marches on for some teams, so local markets still have to cover it. Our last two weeks in Denver have consisted of variations on two themes:

1. Mike Shanahan is our coach. The Rocky Mountain New needs Van, if only because he wants Leatherface fired. Shanahan holds a grudge like no other. Heck, 9 out of 10 elderly Jewish women say, “oi vey, he never lets anything go.” What this means is that if you want to write sports in this town, you cannot call for Shanahan’s head. Ever. Because if you don’t get it, you won’t get anything for the rest of your tenure, and it’s off to the Amarillo Star for you.
2. Brandon Marshall is really good. Marshall, like the rest of the ’06 second-string, blew up when Cutler got the start last year and has not really looked back. He does not have the world’s most reliable hands and he has to visibly man up to go over the middle (although he will, and that’s the whole point), but Marshall is an awesome physical specimen that is apparently impossible to tackle. Among the sidebar points to this non-story is that we will not miss head case Javon Walker (not to be confused with Javan Walker, whom we already miss) and that Marshall is living proof that Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it.

Van: “Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it”? See, somebody cue DMX’s “Party Up” because y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here...anybody besides me remember Kyle Johnson, fullback? He was on the team for five whole days before taking it in the neck. Or, perhaps you might remember the revolving door that is punter. And we ain’t even gonna start with the defense, where your mans Jim Bates fell on his sword after watching new faces show up in practice on a nearly daily basis. And does the name Selvin Young ring any bells? In a lot of ways, this was worse than watching Shenanigans switch Bells on us last season, because Travis “Puffy” Henry obviously had a lot more on his mind than football, and Young could advance the pigskin with alacrity when called upon...not that he was called upon as often as he might’ve with a coach that recognizes talent, mind you...gaaaaaaah! Whatever hold Rasputin Shanahan has over Pat Bowlen, it’s waaaay beyond pictures with farm animals...

I love the off-season.

Now, then. For those about to rock…

Jacksonville at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I am more tempted to take the opposing team here than at any other time this season. I love Jacksonville. I admit defeat, I admit wrongdoing, and I admit that Jack Del Rio has way more business being an NFL head coach than I do. Starting Fred Taylor was smart. It allowed Del Rio to deploy Maurice Jones-Drew, his Best Offensive Player, in different ways. It is no small deal that MoJo returns some kicks for the Jagwads. He is a game-changing force at the position, and as anyone whose idiot special teams coach cannot keep the ball away from Devin Hester (twice) can tell you, a game changer at kick returner truly changes the game. It helps that Taylor had perhaps his best pro season in justifying Del Rio’s faith. And who questions the Garrard over Leftwich decision now? I like the Jags in this game because they do what they do. Any team that controls the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball can win any game, and I guarantee you that in a private moment, Bill Belichick muttered expletives when the Jags beat the Steelers, because he is more scared of them than he is of the Colts. This is not to say that they are better than the Colts, only that they create much bigger problems for the Pats, whose D-line play has been spotty and who are run defense deficient.

Van: And, having said all that, Tom Brady finds Randy Moss behind/over the top/in front of/beside the defense for a couple of scores that will put the Jags behind and...cue closing credits.

San Diego at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
OK, second verse, same as the first. Is there anybody who thinks that Norv The *&$%ing Idiot Turner is a better songwriter than Marty Schottenheimer? This Charger team has locker room issues, which are always OK when you are winning, but in the second quarter when the Colts go up 21, don’t turn off your television. The fun is just beginning. You can stick around and watch the Bolts’ sideline turn into the Spears’ house.

Van: Here’s your bar bet for the game: who does LT go after first? Turner or Philip Rivers? Because somebody’s getting slugged...and, in other news, morning follows night.

The Rocket In The Docket

2008-01-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

Whoever is in charge of giving a story legs, thank you sooooo much for the current Roger Clemens steroid fiasco.

This thing is the gift that just keeps on giving.

First, Clemens and Andy Pettitte get outed for using illegal performance enhancers by their former trainer Brian McNamee in the Mitchell Report.

Then, giving tons of credibility to the charges that McNamee made in the report, Pettitte ‘fesses up and cops to having done exactly what McNamee said he did.

Then we get 24 days of utter silence from The Rajah, while every right-thinking person in the western hemisphere is wondering why it’s taking so long for him to respond…unless, of course, there is some truth to McNamee’s claim, in which case the time taken is being used to rev up the spin cycle.

While waiting for something, anything, from Clemens, this knucklehead releases a video to YouTube (!!), denying all charges. YouTube? YouTube??

What, the Weekly World News couldn’t squeeze him in under the banner headline about the two-headed cows being abducted by aliens? But wait…there’s more.

Sure enough, Clemens stages an “interview” on 60 Minutes that should have shamed the company that gave us Edward R. Murrow and investigative journalism. Had this sham been any more softballish, there would be a keg of beer at each base.

Next, we get a lawsuit (!!), where Clemens is suing McNamee for defamation of character. Just for kicks, I went to a legal website to read up on defamation of character, and the site was quick to advise that proving defamation is difficult under the best of circumstances, even if the defendant is lying. Basically, Clemens is trying to curry any public favor he can by saying, “See? I’m suing…” even though this kind of suit rarely pays off.

Finally, there’s this spurious “tape” that Clemens and his people have been playing, claiming that McNamee is recanting.

All of this, had it been done by itself, is enough to keep me writing for the next year…but it only gets better.

Like Doyle Brunson holding the case ace on a royal flush, McNamee’s lawyers have re-raised every time Clemens pushes into the pot because they know they are holding the best cards.

When Clemens went semi-public on YouTube, McNamee’s lawyers immediately called on him to meet the real press.

When Clemens denied having ever used steroids, McNamee’s lawyers double-dog dared him to make the same statements under oath.

When Clemens and his camp began running selected excerpts of this phone conversation to friendly media outlets, McNamee’s lawyers have rightly demanded that Clemens’ camp turn over the entire tape willingly…or, absent that, that the tape be subpoenaed into evidence.

See, here’s the point: no matter what Clemens “seems to” say, McNamee’s lawyers have responded aggressively and in a way that Joe Couch Potato can readily understand, because it makes sense.

Videos on YouTube? Try talking to a room full of ink-stained wretches that are smelling blood.

Namby-pamby denials and running your mouth to friendly interviewers? Try saying the same thing under oath, tough guy.

Oh, you have a tape? Great. Let’s all sit down and listen to the whole thing together, you, me, and a big ol’ press contingent, and lets see what’s really on that tape, J. Edgar…

Unless, of course, you have reasons for not wanting to meet with reporters in a genuine question-and-answer press conference…y’know, because they might ask you the kind of questions that Mike Wallace conveniently left out.

Questions like: so what’s on the whole tape?

What took you so long to respond?

Why have you responded like this?

Why did you need to get injected in your buttocks with lidocaine? Does numbing your butt help you pitch better?

Why did you need to get injected with B-12 at all? Seems to me that you get the same benefit from swallowing a completely legal and over-the-counter pill with B-12, like, say, a Flintstones Chewable…

And the real question, the one that Clemens absolutely cannot avoid:

Why would McNamee tell the truth about Pettitte and lie about you, especially since he had to know that to lie under those circumstances would lead to all kinds of nasty legal problems later…and especially since he didn’t have to say a stinkin’ thing?

The best part is yet to come. Clemens will have to face the music soon, and this time he will be under oath

It sez so right here that you will hear the finest parsing of the English language since William Jefferson Clinton debated what the definition of “is” is…

Stay tuned.

Playoff Prognostications - The Wild Card Round

2008-01-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

Like Gordon Gano warned you back in the day, “I hope you know this will go down on your permanent record.”

The best way to get caught doing anything stupid is have a permanent record of it. You should not, for instance, allow yourself to be photographed giving the Soviet ambassador the finger. You should not both play college basketball and have your picture taken in a hot tub with a guy whose nickname is “The Fixer.” You should not have your picture taken on your own freakin’ boat with a hot woman in a bikini who is not your wife.

If you are engaging in insider trading, do not communicate by memorandum. If you are going to sell out your country to an invading army, do not send them letters about it. If you bribe a recruit, do not send them a check.

These things will get you caught.

I recently found a love letter I wrote to my wife when we were dating. Not only was I an unbelievable wuss, but it was not very well written. In my senior high school picture, I am rocking, no kidding, a mullet.

Van: My sister Ellen is holding a picture of me back in the day with the full, blowout afro. She’s waiting until I do something that’s worth coin of the realm before releasing it to the world wide web.

Before the season, Van and I let you know. We dropped science. We served notice.

We were idiots, and we have proof, because we wrote it down.

So, now that the playoffs are set, let’s review the All-Singing, All-Dancing, Holy-Funkin’-Cow Big Dog Pre-Season AFC Extravaganza:

AFC East
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
The writing on the wall was apparently large enough for the blind to read.

Van: Seriously, there was no way not to make this pick.

AFC North
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
Van’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
When Brian Billick came out into the parking lot with his cardboard box full of his stuff, I held him down and Van beat him. The Ravens should go after his signing bonus and make him give his gold medal back.

Van: Actually, I’m thinking that the Ravens could just leave Billick in a locked room with Ray Lewis...and cue Pantera’s “Five Minutes Alone” after the door closes...

AFC South
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van was right, and I was not as wrong as I could have been (see AFC North).

Van: Actually, there’s no shame here at all. Right now, Jacksonville is arguably the other “it” team of the AFC...although I still believe that the Colts will have something to say about who eventually goes to the Super Bowl.

AFC West
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The best part of this was where I was like, “I don’t think Norv Turner can screw this up,” and Van went all Lee Corso like, “not so fast, my friend.” I honestly don’t know which one of us got that right.

Van: Yup, we got it right and neither of us trusts these guys farther than we can throw them.

AFC Wild Card #1
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Right. Me with a bullet…

Van: Talk about the friggin’ wheels coming off...

AFC Wild Card #2
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Van’s Pick: Tennessee Titans
…and Van catches the bullet and throws it back at me. We continue drinking and put the video on YouTube. People worldwide don’t get it.

Van: Before I go breaking my arm patting myself on the back for this one, I have to admit that Tennessee was fairly brutal this season and needed to beat a half-asleep Colts team to sneak in...not what I expected at all.

Make sure you check out my site, because our NFC picks were truly brutal. Especially his, because regardless of football acumen, I am better-looking and more erudite than Van. And I have pictures of him with the yak.

Van: The yak was consenting.

Tennessee at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Mr. Brown knew enough to give the ball to LT, and by Week 12, Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner caught up with him. This coincided with A.J. Smith’s vote of confidence. By the way, A.J., Mr. Brown is my three year-old son’s bear. He’s missing like 80% of his stuffing. Unfortunately, LT hates his quarterback and now that I think about it, I don’t like him much, either. So this will be the last time you see the Bolts picked here.

Van: I hate picking the Chargers. I just hate doing it...except that I can’t find a single, solitary reason to pick Tennessee. (And, for the record, Alex Spanos is an idiot for giving GM A.J. Smith an extension; Michael Turner will get traded, LT will break something, Philip Rivers will get beat down in the locker room, and Norv “Al Gore” Turner will be coaching from WitSec next season.)

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
You remember when poor Howard Deane got torpedoed for a single ill-considered whoop that “just wasn’t Presidential”? Can you put your finger on the Steelers’ last “Presidential” win? November 11th against the Browns. Two months ago. Since then, the Steelers have gone 3-4, with wins over the Dolphins, Rams and Bengals, a murderers’ row if ever I have seen one. When Deane uttered the howl heard round the world, he was already done. So are the Steelers. And you had better believe that the Patriots are sitting at home cheering for them.

Van: Bill, I have to admit it: I was wrong, waaaay wrong, about Jacksonville. I love the way they are playing. They have gotten legitimate production out of both Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, without making either man feel like the back-up, and David Garrard has fully justified Jack Del Rio’s faith in him. These Steelers suddenly look like the frauds that I believe San Diego to be, and it would not surprise me at all if this game gets ugly very quickly.

Sympathy For The Devil(s)

2008-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mark Kiszla, Denver Post:

I’m not sure where to begin. After all, as a columnist for a Denver area newspaper, isn’t it your sworn duty to say mean and nasty stuff about all things Raiders?

Where does this completely irrational hatred of a legitimately good New England Patriots football team come from?

I don’t have a problem with irrationality, per se; after all, this is football, which explains why otherwise rational people would pay green, folding cash to see the Bears or the Broncos this season.

What I do have a problem with are the blanket statements you make in this jeremiad against the Patriots that don’t have a shred of evidence to back them up.

Case in point 1: you mention that Bill Belichick can’t be that great of a coach if he had to cheat.

Uh, glass houses and stones, my friend. If you’ll take the Broncos-colored glasses off for a bit, you might remember that the rest of the league was quite incensed with your local team for a long time for, shall we say, “questionable” offensive line techniques.

You say “cut block,” I say “leg whip”…but I digress. Moving along, then.

Case in point 2: you said that “(w)e have the technology to create sports hype, but lack the perspective to appreciate sports history.”

Then, incredibly, you said that the Patriots “…are not even the best offensive machine of the past 10 years,” while making the cheesiest hometown ploy for the champion Broncos of yesteryear. You say that those Broncos could win on any surface.

I can show you that the Patriots have already done that.

16 times, to be exact. Against zero losses. In all manner of conditions. Indoors. Outdoors. Broad daylight. Prime time. Rain, sunshine, heat, cold, from in front, and from behind, they have won all of their games everywhere they have been played.

That is, as you might say, appreciable history.

And as far as that “past 10 years” remark, here’s some more appreciable sports history: the Patriots are the highest-scoring team for a single season in NFL history.

You don’t have to take my couch-potato, blogging word for it. They scored a ridiculous 589 points in 16 games. I have it on the best authority that your beloved Broncos didn’t score that many points in any season…nor did anyone else.

That’s why they call it a “record.”

Then, while deriding the computer geeks who would simulate a 73-0 Patriot victory over the 1940 Bears, you become the same computer geek when you said “…these Patriots are soft, playing a paddy cake brand of pitch-and-catch football that would have had linebacker Ray Nitschke snorting with laughter as Jim Taylor and the 1962 Packers trampled New England.”

Last I checked, the 2007 Patriots will never play the 1962 Packers. And as far as Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain defense of the ‘70s, that team would not have existed in today’s game because of free agency and the salary cap.

That said, Forrest Gregg would be reduced to a turnstile against Richard Seymour, if not a green smear across the front of Seymour’s jersey, and your friend Jim Taylor would need a backhoe to be taken out of the frozen tundra after meeting Messrs. Vrabel, Bruschi, and Seau. Joe Greene didn’t see tackles as big and athletic as Matt Light, and Donnie Shell only saw receivers as good as Moss in practice…and he couldn’t catch those guys then, so why would I expect him to catch Moss now?

And in any case, neither of those teams went undefeated, for all of their greatness. All the Patriots did was beat everyone in front of them.

No one thinks less of Joe Louis for that “Bum of the Month” group of heavyweights he relentlessly pounded back in the ‘40s, and the Patriots have arguably played better opponents than anyone you can mention.

The only other team worth mentioning, the ’72 Dolphins, played two teams with winning records in their pursuit of perfection (and did I mention that they had two fewer games to deal with?).

The current Patriots have played and defeated seven teams with winning records, six of whom are currently in the playoffs and one (Cleveland) that just missed. In other words, nearly half their schedule has been against the varsity and they still won out. And three of those games (against the Cowboys, the Colts, and the Giants) were on the road.

Just for giggles, there’s that utterly ridiculous Tiger Woods thingy you threw in: “Sure, it’s natural to root for greatness. It’s just that golfer Tiger Woods and actor Tom Hanks make it so much easier to stand up and cheer…”

Tiger Woods makes it easy to cheer? The man is as implacable as death itself and as unreachable as the north face of the Jungfrau. He holds grudges at least as long as Bill Belichick does, and he inspires just as much hate among his competition as Coach Hoodie does.

Anyone else remember Fuzzy Zoeller, before he got exiled to the Chateau D’If for insensitive remarks after Woods’ first Masters victory? Anyone else remember perpetual motormouth and Chicken Little Emeritus Rory Sabbatini, who hasn’t been right yet for all of his clucking to the contrary? Anyone else remember Vijay Singh publicly gnawing on his liver while his caddy wore a “Tiger Who” hat?

Yeah, the PGA tour just loves Tiger. Find a tournament organizer who has to try to sell a PGA event that doesn’t feature Woods, and ask him what he thinks about the Greatest. Golfer. Ever.

And I couldn’t close without pointing out what has to be the biggest, dumbest statement you make in the entire misguided diatribe: you call out Tom Brady as a player.

I’ll give you the first one calling him on being a man (fathering children out of wedlock just ain’t right), but let’s be honest: it ain’t nearly as bad as a guy you see a lot more regularly in Denver, Mr. 9-For-9 Himself, Travis Henry.

But I’ve got to call a party foul on you for the second statement; you remember, where you slow everyone down “…before anyone starts mentioning Brady in the same breath as Johnny Unitas, much less Joe Montana.”

I really hate to break it to you – okay, I really don’t – but Brady is the best. Quarterback. Ever.

Let me repeat that.

Tom Brady.

Best. Quarterback. Ever.

If you compare their first seven seasons, Tom Brady is better than Joe Montana in every meaningful category. He has started more games (94, to Montana’s 79). He has completed more passes (2294, to Montana’s 1627) for a higher completion rate (63% to Montana’s 62.3). He has thrown for more yards (26370, to Montana’s 19262) and for more touchdowns (197, to Montana’s 133), and he even has more interceptions (86, to Montana’s 67)…but that last stat is somewhat misleading. See, Montana threw a pick once every 38.37 pass attempts, whereas Brady tosses an interception once every 42.34 pass attempts. I’ll help you there: that means that Montana threw picks a little bit more often.

As far as that nebulous thing called a quarterback rating, Montana’s is a gaudy 90.5 for his first seven years.

Brady’s is 92.9.

Oh, and Brady has exactly one more Super Bowl title to his credit at this stage in his career than Montana did at a similar juncture.

Having actually seen guys like Dan Marino, John Elway, the aforementioned Montana, the current stat gobbler Peyton Manning, Warren Moon, and a host of others, I can only apply the same logic that Hall of Fame voters used when putting Gale Sayers into the Hall after a truncated career: did you see him play?

No one manages the end of a game better than Brady does, and only Montana and Roger Staubach (and perhaps John Elway) deserve to be in the conversation. No one inspires his teammates more, and here he compares more than favorably with the fabled Johnny Unitas.

It sez so right here that Unitas and Randy Moss would have had a fistfight on the first day of training camp if they’d played together. Brady openly lobbied for him, and their matchup has only been the finest quarterback-to-receiver tandem ever.

Hell, the guy is even Broadway Joe Namath’s match for swinging with hot chicks…and I’m sorry, but not even Namath in his prime could get close enough to Bridget Moynihan for an autograph, much less anything more, er, well, you get the idea.

So, in closing, please feel free to hate on the Patriots somewhere privately, where impressionable children can’t see you.

And if you need to feel better, you can always go right back to kicking the benighted Raiders.

Thanks,

Van Walker
A nobody with a blog and an opinion

Quick Slants - Week 17

2008-01-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

So, uh, who likes the Patriots to win the Super Bowl now? Sheesh.

Teams that I’m officially pissed at: Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, Dallas, and Indianapolis.

Just so we’re clear on this: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MEANINGLESS REGULAR SEASON GAME.

I get so sick and tired of hearing about coaches “resting/protecting” starters because they have “nothing to play for,” since their playoff position can’t change with a win or a loss.

First off, it’s still a game that counts in the regular season standings. Second off, the ticket and broadcast price of the game isn’t discounted because the regulars aren’t in. Third, and this is my favorite one, injury can’t be a factor.

As to the third point, I know someone will say: but what about the guy who gets blown up in the very last game and is lost for the playoffs? Isn’t that coach stupid for playing him?

To which I’d answer: no stupider than the coach who loses a starter in the 3rd week for the rest of the season, or who loses a starter in the 13th week. You can’t plan for injuries. You can’t predict them. They do not schedule themselves regularly. Therefore, you can’t be afraid of them.

This is why the Patriots will beat whoever is in front of them in the playoffs this season: they have been mentally conditioned to give maximum effort not just in every game, not just in every quarter, not just on every series, but on every snap. They don’t take as much as a down off. As far as they are concerned, they can rest after they’ve taken a champagne bath with the Lombardi Trophy.

In particular, I think that the Cowboys and the Colts will regret resting/protecting their starters and letting divisional rivals into the playoffs. Should the ‘Boys have to face the Redskins, or the Colts have to play the Titans, division familiarity could turn what should have been a blowout into a grind…and a potential upset.

Note to Minnesota: this is why you need a real quarterback. “Tarvaris Jackson” is Ebonics for “Kyle Orton.”

Note to Mike Shanahan: this is why you need to be fired. You had Minnesota gutted like a salmon for just shy of 55 minutes…only to need overtime to save the game.

Note to Arizona: this is why big bonuses are a bad idea. If you’d started Kurt Warner all season, you’d be in the playoffs right now. I don’t care what Matt Leinart got paid, Warner gives you the best shot to win every week, and everyone in pads knows it.

Note to the Lions: this is why you need to fire Matt Millen – the team is now exactly 50 games below .500 for his tenure as General (Mis)Manager. Worse, if you only subtracted the total number of Millen Tenure losses (81) from the Franchise History total, and added none of the wins, this team is still 488-472, 16 games OVER .500…The current 7-season stretch of futility ranks as the worst in franchise history (by some 16 games), even worse than the previous 7-year run from 1984-1990, and the end does not appear to be in sight. Since 1957, the last time the Lions were NFL champions, the franchise has enjoyed 16 winning seasons – and Millen has contributed ZERO to that total.

What with all the federal indictments going on in sports, I’m really surprised that Millen’s name hasn’t come up yet…because that guy is flat-out stealing from the Fords.

Note to John Fox: this is why you should get fired. What’s the name of that kid who ran so well in the last game of the season, and why hasn’t he been the featured back all season?

Note to Randy Mueller: this is why you deserved to get fired – Wes Welker in a Patriots uniform. I understand trading a guy, but really…

Note to Brian Billick: this is why you deserved to get fired – you lost to the worst team in decades. Decades. The god-awful Lions would biatch-slap the Dolphins around, and your team lost to them.

(By the way, for those who might have that my earlier rant did not mention Seattle as one of the teams that I’m pissed at, I can assure you that the omission was deliberate. Last I checked, Matt Hasselbeck doesn’t play defense, and this is a defense that gave up 44 points in regulation to the benighted Falcons. 44 points. The Falcons. In regulation, no less. You wanna know why no one respects you, Seabass? 44 points. The Falcons. In regulation. AT YOUR HOUSE. Gaaaaah…)

Note to Cleveland: don’t do it. Don’t. Do. It. Sign Derek Anderson to whatever he wants, then open up the competition for the starter’s job next summer during camp. Whoever wins, your team benefits. On one hand, if Derek Anderson wins, great; he’s a known commodity who has performed really nicely in Romeo Crennel’s system this season, and Quinn gets another season to learn the whole playbook…but this time, from mini-camp forward. On the other hand, if Brady Quinn wins, even better; if he can beat out Derek Anderson, not only does he deserve to start, he will deserve every penny of that monster contract he signed…AND you still have Derek Anderson in case Quinn gets broken.

However, something tells me that the wisdom of bean counters will counter the wisdom beneath helmets and headsets, and that Derek Anderson’s next contract will come from a franchise not located in Cleveland (or Ohio, for that matter), and that Brady Quinn will be given a starter’s job that he still hasn’t earned…and that Anderson will be just fine wherever he ends up…and that Quinn will be the guy who gets everyone fired in Cleveland.

Note to Jerry Angelo: your tenure as GM of the Bears has been spotty, fella, real spotty. For every Nathan Vasher or Devin Hester you’ve drafted, you’ve also drafted a Cedric Benson here, a Rex Grossman there…for every Adewale Ogunleye you’ve brought in as a free agent, you’ve also lost a Bobby Engram here, a Roosevelt Colvin there, and are about to lose Lance Briggs. Do me a favor: forget about the defense this off-season. They will be fine, if you do two things: shore up the offensive line, and break open Virginia McCaskey’s piggy bank and pay the Browns whatever they will ask for Derek Anderson. A big, burly O-line will help professionals like The Other Adrian Peterson and Garrett Wolfe gain yards, and Anderson will suddenly remind Bear fans why those other guys line up waaaay outside the formation. When the offense is chewing up 5 and 7 and 8 minute chunks of the game at a time, the defense will become a lot fresher.

…and I’m OUT like The Browns…dang…

Week 17 Prognostications - Train Kept A-Rollin'

2007-12-29T23:34:00.001-08:00

In Shakespearean terms, this is the beginning of the fourth act. Generally, the third act ends on a revelation. There’s some boom to it. The fourth act is the climax. In Harry Potter terms, it’s the big fight with Voldemort.

Often, though, the fourth act is constructed in miniature of the whole work. That is to say, it starts out of little consequence, builds action to a climax, then has its own little denouement before moving on the fifth act, which is the denouement for the whole work.

Van: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I nodded off there. What the blue hell were those last two paragraphs? This is FOOTBALL, not lit class, thou gleeking, onion-eyed canker-blossom!

This is the beginning of the fourth act. Little consequence. There is nothing scarier than a week with nothing to lose.

You know what’s going to happen this week? You wanna tell me? ‘Cause I’m about to make these picks and there is not one game on this slate that could not go either way.

The analysis has little to do with normal things – better teams, injuries, matchups. Crap. In basketball terms, this week is all DNP – CD.

Van: What is this, fence rail? Dude, this is FOOTBALL. Normally, you say something witty and then commence to screwing up your picks while wishing you were me. This week? Yeesh. (For those interested in truly witty commentary and devastatingly-accurate picks, click here.)

Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more.

San Francisco at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco sucks. They suck in a way irreparable in the off-season. They will fire Mike Nolan and suffer yet another coaching change, and a straw poll shows, in true Chicago fashion, that 13 out of every 10 fans wants Eddie DeBartolo back. Speaking of Eazy Eddie D, the Browns built their squad the right way, didn’t they? Wait on their screw-up tight end to shut up and get healthy, dumb into a quarterback, draft a potentially great receiver, pirate somebody, anybody from the Patriot machine. And yet…will their found object of a QB play this week, or will we see the Poor Kid Formerly Known as the Fourth Pick in the Draft?

Van: Cleveland at home? Check. Bad team coming in? Check. Cleveland beats bad teams at home? Check. The Browns win, but their biggest problem isn’t making the playoffs this season. It’s what to do with that Bonus Baby sitting on the bench, in light of Derek Anderson’s play. The sheer amount of cash involved demands some sort of return on their investment in Brady Quinn...but there’s no guarantee that he will ever be as good as Anderson is right now. You might ask the Chargers how that whole Drew Brees/Philip Rivers thing worked out. The Saints got a Pro Bowl veteran, and the Chargers got a guy that LaDainian Tomlinson hates.

Jacksonville at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Houston is just a little luck short of a playoff season. The Texans can play some football, proving once and for all that it is better to scavenge the Broncos than to actually be the Broncos. But without Dunta Robinson, without Andre Johnson, without Matt Schaub, it is harder to win. Next year, fellas. And in this year, Jacksonville is That Team. Every year, there is one team that nobody wants to play. On the road, at home, in the weather, in a dome, on a train, with a fox or in a box, nobody, and I mean the you, Mr. Belichick, wants any part of the Jagwads. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Colonel Del Rio sitting anybody for any reason other than pique. Jags roll.

Van: The Jaguars may be the most compelling reason for certain teams in the AFC to play hard this weekend, because no one wants to face them first. Jack Del Rio has built a formidable squad. And here’s something interesting that I read on Sports Illustrated’s NFL page: if a QB rating of 80 means that your QB is pretty good-to-great, then David Garrard is the best QB in the NFL, because he has yet to score below 80 in any game this season. This offense was tailored to grinding out close wins in the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Bungles are playing football, but unlike the endless Wayne Fontes cycle in Detroit back in the day (in Detroit, “back in the day” always translates to “when Barry Sanders was playing”), they started too late to save Marvin Lewis’ job. Strangely, the Dolphins may be in better shape for the future than Cincinnati. Cincinnati has very little talent on the defensive side of the ball, and most of their talent on the offensive side is cancerous and needs to be removed by any means necessary. At least Miami does not need to subtract.

Van: I’m still picking Cincy, based solely upon talent. Undisciplined though they are, they can run rings around the j-v in Miami. Still, don’t be surprised if we see something of an effort from the Dolphins. Ordinarily, they would already have the cars packed and running before the game ended, but then the owner hired Bill Parcells to be the Qwisatz Haderach of all things football in Fin-Land. The brighter among them might realize that this is basically a one-game audition for the Tuna, and that a good showing here means a job next training camp. A bad showing, and, well, who wants a castoff from a 1-15 squad?

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bad as Baltimore is, disconsolate as they are over narrow losses to both Miami and New England, fired as Brian Billick should be, unfit for the NFL as all of the Ravens’ quarterbacks are, this is a feel pick. If Pittsburgh wins, they march into the playoffs, fodder-to-be for the Patriots in Foxboro on January 13, Mike Tomlin’s first year is a big success, free pass to year 2. Similarly, Baltimore loses and they suck as we know they do, with their elderly defense and pedestrian offense incompetent to cross a street, Billick gets fired, Ozzie newsome is on notice, they start looking hard at Patriot copy boys to handle their personnel. But the chaos that ensues when Baltimore wins? The questions, recriminations? That’s what it feels like is going to happen.

Van: Feel pick? This is why you will never catch me, thou artless, fen-sucked hugger-mugger! Coach Loincloth will look at a post-mortem Ravens team and begin salivating about slapping them around for four quarters. Baltimore’s guys have flat-out quit on Brian Billick, while Pittsburgh’s guys get to go to the playoffs.

Minnesota at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Oh, goody. Tenth verse, same as the first nine. Quiz for you – what do you get when you pair a physical team who runs the ball and stops the run and has a playoff spot on the line with a wee little mermaid of a team that does not stop the run, cannot run their offense without the run and has absolutely nothing to play for? Just another victim, kid. Vikings by like 80.

Van: I’m just waiting to see which member of the Broncos blows up at a coach on the sidelines. And while I like Minny here, can someone please inform the Vikings players that smoking marijuana is a CRIME? How the hell do two (!!) players from this team get busted in the same month for smoking the doobage? I’m tempted to give Brad Childress a pass (after all, these are grown men we are talking about, and he shouldn’t have to hold their hands after practice every day), but I still wonder if giving out a pink slip or two wouldn’t have a chilling effect on the current reefer madness.

San Diego at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
This should be a riot. The Raiders play the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, bound and determined to lose a war to the United States, played in a fit of poor casting by Norv The #$%&ing Idiot Turner and the Bolts. In order to ensure a losing campaign, they deploy their very own Tully Bascombe, one JaMarcus Russell, an NFL quarterback roughly $30 million more accomplished than I am (P. T. Barnum on in 3…2…1…). The thing is, despite the involvement of Al Davis, this is nominally real life. As big a screw-up as Norv is, the Raiders have a Commitment to Excellence. Once they set their minds to it, there is no way they can win this game.

Van: The Chargers will win again. The fat heads on t.v. will proclaim them “ready for the playoffs.” Heh. In this top-loaded AFC playoff picture, I don’t see San Diego as being any better than the fifth team overall. Honestly, I don’t even believe that they are as tough as the Redskins are, and the ‘Skins might not make the playoffs in the NFC. This team is a bad loss in the playoffs away from falling apart.

Kansas City at The Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: The Jets
What if they had an NFL game and nobody came? Nobody watched? Because you know damn well nobody cares. Already 20 too many words burned on this rot.

Van: The only people who care about this game have money riding on it. And anyone who has money riding on this game needs real help.

Tennessee at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Like Derek Jacoby said in Act IV of Dead Again, “I for one am v-v-very interested to see what is going to happen next.” Here is a coach in Tony Dungy who, God love him, has no idea how to end the regular season gracefully. The Colts are like the Penn Quakers – they always have everything wrapped up a month early, and then they have to…what? Find a hobby? Here is where the Tyrants find out where they are – and I think they are where the Texan are, where the Cubs are every year. Looking forward to next year.

Van: Say what you will about Dungy’s inability to land the plane safely, but the Colts might be the only team in football that could take the AFC Championship away from New England in Foxboro this season. I keep saying it and saying it, these guys are a little sick and tired of being the Super Bowl champion afterthoughts. They beat New England last season and slapped my beloved Bears silly in The Big Roman Numeral, and nobody is giving them any love this season. Peyton Manning is on the verge of his eighth (!!) 4000 yard season and all we can hear about is Tom-Brady-this-and-Derek-Anderson-that. Tennessee will need counseling after this mash-up.

Week 16 Prognostications - Steroids? What Steroids? Ohhhhh, You Mean THESE Steroids...

2007-12-20T00:54:00.000-08:00

So, I have this confession to make…

I read the Mitchell report. I did not read any of the little abstracts, I did not listen to commentary, I read the thing. I read it, and I thought, “What a bunch of witless crap.” Besides being poorly written, it was a combination of rehashing the obvious to get to a triple-digit page count and some fairly uninteresting tabloidism. This was not an investigation. This was not journalism. This was not even entertaining.

And yet…

In the aftermath, the misfit toys are crawling out from the shadows to own up to exactly what was in the report and not a speck more. How many times will we get the pleasure of hearing some variation of “Yes, I did it once and it was a horrible decision. I am very sorry.”

Van: About as many times as we got blanket denials before names got named.

Clearly baseball fans are pretty thick, otherwise they would not slavishly pursue such a deathly boring game, but even the blindest must see that there is no way everybody in baseball took a single syringe of HGH. My father used to get mad at me, not so much because I was lying but because I apparently thought he was a complete idiot.

Van: Of course baseball fans are complete idiots, and I am tarring myself with the same brush. We should have learned after 1994, when the used car salesman cancelled the friggin’ World Series, but nooooo…we should have learned when baseball players who used to look like lab assistants started looking like linebackers, but nooooo…We should learn every time a team like Florida or Oakland has a fire sale because they can’t afford to match what the Yankees or the Red Sox will offer their soon-to-be free agents, but noooo…

So, baseball, have a seat. We need to talk. I am very disappointed in you…

Meanwhile, back here at the Posedown, I will attempt to surmount Van’s insurmountable lead. I surmount like no other.

Fire in the hole.

The Giants at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
After accepting that I have been baselessly defending Eli Manning for more than a year, I watched the Giants this past weekend, and they are not very good. Eli truly does suck. Now that I am admitting this, I remember an article about Danny Ainge’s braintyping specialist, who noted before the 2005 draft that Peyton had the perfect brain type for a quarterback, but that Eli would never be any good because he did not. After watching the boy for the last few weeks, who among us could argue that there is something wrong with his brain?

Van: Making matters worse for the G-men, Jeremy Shockey is done for the season…not that he was used that much by Eli in the first place, mind you, but it’s still a big loss. This team is getting banged up at precisely the wrong time of the year, and let’s not forget that they still haven’t clinched anything. If I’m Tom Coughlin, I pull out whatever stops that remain, because there’s no way I want to depend upon beating New England in the last game of the season to make the playoffs.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
The first game between these teams was a like a futurist painting – like “Dynamism of a Bright Orange Offense,” a bunch of drug-induced swipes of orange across a canvas representing a whole lot of offense whizzing by with no mention or representation of defense. This week, the defense will be delivered in equal measure by the weather and the Bungle’ apathy. Since both of these create drag on Cincinnati but only one encumbers Cleveland…Cleveland wins through superior aerodynamics.

Van: I absolutely love the Queen City Kitties to lose this game. There’s no stinkin’ way they muster up the sand to beat a Cleveland team that’s on a mission to make the playoffs. Rudi Johnson is already moaning about his hammy flaring up, and both Whosyamama and Ocho Stinko were seen yelling at Carson Palmer last weekend. Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, gets to see a defense that wants no parts of trying to tackle him; these are a bunch of guys that will wait for help before committing to bringing him down. That means another 150-yard, two TD day for the guy that Jim Brown his own self called a “bowling ball” back in training camp. Turns out the greatest running back ever was right.

Houston at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
It’s 11 o’clock in Indianapolis and it’s time to roll up the sidewalks. Nothing in this world as sad as a Colts team that knows where it’s going to be the second week of the playoffs. If this game is played in Week 5 with absolutely everything else being equal, Indianapolis wins. This week, they only win if they want to, and we do learn from history. They don’t.

Van: I want to pick Houston. I really, really do. I just can’t see this happening. It’s not a question of Jim Sorgi actually breaking a sweat in a for-real game, it’s Kenton Keith. He’s like the bootleg, Hack-Intosh version of Joseph Addai, which means that the Colts can still pound the football all day without getting key people injured. Besides, aren’t the Colts undefeated against Houston? I’m thinking they don’t want to lay down against these guys just because they can’t improve their playoff slot.

Oakland at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Improbably, not one single Jagwad made the AFC Pro Bowl Team. Jack Del Rio needs to call Bill Belichick and find out how to turn this into a fifty point win.

Van: Poor, poor Oakland. This Jag-Wires team has teeth and a really bad attitude. Fred Taylor and Mo-Jo Drew make a perfect complement to ball-control expert David Garrard, and the defense has more than made up for the loss of Marcus Stroud. The Raiders are going to get savaged because, well, that’s just how Jacksonville rolls. Win or lose, they fight like grizzlies protecting cubs. It sez so right here that they don’t bother waking Al up for this one.

Miami at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Coming into this game on their longest winning streak of the season, the Fish could not possibly be in any better position to upend the mighty Patriots. Consequently, it may be a surprise to them when they get spanked. Actually, this game will be close in the same way that the Jets game was, leaving the barbarians at the gates howling for the head of Bill Belichick for another week. When he does finally throw out a head, don’t be surprised if it’s yours. Or Eric Mangini’s.

Van: This game might have actually had some intrigue if Miami had rolled into Foxboro winless. Or, then again, maybe not. New England hasn’t just beaten teams this season, they have dismissed them. Ignored them. Last week’s beating of the Jets wasn’t personal; it was just one more box checked in the left column. This week’s beating of Miami will be similarly emotionless, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get out of hand. The Pats will be about as emotional as a locomotive…and just about as unstoppable.

The Jets at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
The Tuxedoes’ fanatical determination to lose their playoff spot hits a speed bump this week in the J!E!T!S! Somehow, the former Tyrants must overcome their delusions adequacy for long enough to keep from stepping on their own…erm, stuff for sixty whole minutes. I don’t think they can, but maybe all it will take is about thirty-five, forty-five minutes.

Van: The Jets don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Titans don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Jets have a so-so running game. The Titans have a pretty good running game…as long as someone remembers to leave McDonald’s wrappers in the end zone for LenWhale White to smell. Still, they are at home, and the Jets don’t have any particular reason to win, as Eric Mangini is likely to get fired anyway (really, the only difference between 3-13 and 5-11 is draft position). Tennessee believes themselves to be in the thick of the AFC wildcard chase, deluded though they are, so they are likely to give a bit more effort.

Denver at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Oh, goody. ‘Long about the time that Norv The #$&*ing Idiot Turner figures out that LaDainian Tomlinson is good, the Donkeys roll into town. Cue “Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” – the same Donkeys that already gave up 41 points to the Bolts at Invesco…the same horrible defense that gave up seven touchdowns to LT in two games last year…man, I can’t wait. And on national television, too. Maybe I will start drinking now. The only thing that could make this better would be…oh, wait. I will already be at the in-laws.

Van: And the wheels are coming off for the Broncos. Exactly what the hell is Brandon Marshall running his yap about? It can’t be that the offense doesn’t come to him enough…hell, he’s pretty much the whole shootin’ match these days. Travis Henry returns from a cloud of reefer smoke, while Todd “The Dumbest Man Alive” Sauerbrun gets his walking papers from this team AGAIN. It won’t matter that LT hates, and I mean HATES, Philip Rivers. It won’t matter that the Bolts defense scares no one but themselves. This Bronco team has Q.U.I.T. How else does one explain that utter prison-raping they took from Houston (!!) last weekend? As far as they are concerned, their lockers are already cleared out and the cars are already loaded, and the last game of the season can’t get here soon enough.

Week 15 Prognostications - Better Late Than Never...

2007-12-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

(Ed. note - This edition of Prognostications is late because Bill is a bonehead. There is no other reason than that. He's still my "ride or die" and all that, but, well, he's also a bonehead. This is probably why I'm kicking his rear end this season.)
So that we can dispense with preliminaries, I am going to beat Van and all of that, humiliate him, scatter him to the seven seas like so much chum…whatever. I got something else on my mind.

When I anointed Bobby Petrino “The Bitch,” I did not completely commit. I should have canonized him or knighted him so that he could be “St. Bitch” or “Sir Bitch.” When The Bitch committed the ultimate unmanly act of skipping town in the middle of the night (without even having Bob Irsay’s flair and taking the entire team with him) with THREE GAMES LEFT, he branded himself forever a college coach. I have no idea what sort of moral flexibility is required to coach Division I football, but on the whole they are starting to make bible-thumping senators look positively ingenuous.

Van: You wouldn't be referring to bible-thumping senators who solicit cops in restrooms, wouldja?
Any discussion between multiple talking heads will find one of them explaining (in such a way that sounds suspiciously like defending) that anything The Bitch did to get from point A to point B – that is, lying to Arthur Blank, leaving with THREE GAMES LEFT – is simply what is done. College football coaches have managed to push the envelope so far that now it just doesn’t hold anything.

Van: The worst part isn't that he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. The worst part is HOW he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. Basically, he told the assistant coaches something like this: "Um, fellas...? I'm out. C ya." Then he snuck into the locker room and put something like a yellow Post-It on the door with a note to the same effect...at least he got the color of the Post-It right.
I am not normally a guy to start howling about the decline of Western Civilization, about how much better things were in the old days, but would you let one of these rotten, lying bastards into your home to talk to your son? Virtually every Division I-A (or whatever stupid distinction they make now) coach cheats. Always has. I am not condoning or forgiving cheating; however, there is a line to be drawn between lying and cheating for the betterment of the player/team/program/university/sometimes even state and lying and cheating for your own advancement.

Van: There are some situations where lying and cheating for your own advancement might be called upon...my sisters will all vouch that my current undefeated record at Monopoly was due in large part to my secret, interest-free loans from the bank, not to mention my uncanny ability to always hit the Free Parking lottery with dice they didn't know I'd loaded.

Furthermore, Arthur Blank (who seems like a classy and forthright guy for whom I would happily work) said that The Bitch said it had something to do with his family. The guy has had jobs in thirteen different places since 1983 – for him to try to hide behind a family that he just noticed he had makes me want to throw up. I wish DeAngelo Hall had just kicked his ass in Week Three so at least there would have been justice somewhere in the world. That’s right. I am reduced to looking to DeAngelo Hall to set the world right.

All right, I’m done. Woo pig sooie.

Van: Now that he's done ranting, you can check out my NFC picks (submitted BEFORE games started playing, by the way), right here. Because Bill is a bonehead.
Gentlemen, start your engines.

Denver at Houston

Bill’s Pick: Denver

Van’s Pick: Houston

People sometimes ask me, “Hey, Bill, was the Broncos brutal mauling of the Chefs a harbinger of a pointless late-season run or is it just another mirage in this desert of a lost season?” My answer, as ever, is that I do not know. The Donkeys finally cut Sam Adams, the Ultimate Fatass, an admission too late that Jim Bates’ system took too many steps back for what last year was a very good Broncos defense. This is a good sign for the future, but the future is not now – it is net year. Most of what I saw Sunday was the Chefs’ general inability to play football on either side of the ball. Now former Shanahan protégé Gary Kubiak gets the Donkeys on a short week at Reliant Stadium and we will see. No, I have no reason to believe the Broncos will win.

Van: Denver loses this game because this is the kind of game that Denver loses, plain and simple. Moreover, it is now an undisputable fact that whatever mojo Mike Shanahan had, Gary Kubiak took it with him to South Texas because the Texans simply Do. Not. Quit. Ever. Mario Williams is making Charlie Casserly look like a genius, even though it was Casserly who foisted David Carr onto the Texans in the first place...anyhow, when the Donkeys get beat by Sage By-God Rosenfels, let me hear nothing about "find a better option" when I demand Leatherface's head, because, at this point, damn near anyone would be a better option.

Buffalo at Cleveland

Bill’s Pick: Cleveland

Van’s Pick: Cleveland

When the Browns make the playoffs, Derek Anderson should get his own Rocky Balboa statue in Cleveland. And Romeo Crennel should pay for it. Actually, if Anderson throws me to a fantasy football title, I will throw the winning in. I started the year with, I am not kidding, Steve McNair, Joey Harrington and Rex Grossman as my quarterbacks, and I finished the year a respectable third in my league in passing. Here, I think they beat Buffalo easily because I also drafted Lee Evans, who has sucked almost all year.

Van: Derek Anderson is that perfect storm of hype and opportunity, but he ain't the reason why Cleveland will advance in the playoffs...at least, he's not the only reason. Lookit what I found leading the NFL in rushing for the last four weeks: Jamal Lewis! And, better yet, he's running like the Jamal Lewis who trampled the NFL a few seasons ago in Baltimore, and not the out-of-shape ex-con who couldn't get out of his own way a couple of years ago. If Lewis is well and truly back to his grill-busting style of running, these Browns will spoil someone's postseason party.

Tennessee at Kansas City

Bill’s Pick: Tennessee

Van’s Pick: Tennessee

Kansas City can’t play dead.

Van: And Carl Peterson's head must roll.

Baltimore at Miami

Bill’s Pick: Baltimore

Van’s Pick: Baltimore

Right up the road in Orlando, Magic GM Pat Williams once said, “We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” In the sad case of the Dolphins, they tried London, and it did not work. The Fish have played games on the two worst fields seen in the NFL in years. They lost their starting quarterback and running back and then traded their best receiver apparently out of a fear that he was next. They determined for perhaps the eleventh time in franchise history that Cleo Lemon was bad, so they put in Quarterback of the Future John Beck. Problem is, you get a pass for bad season if you use it to build for the future, but nothing will ever forgive 0-16, so Cleo’s back. Welcome back, Cleo. It just wasn’t a party without you.

Van: What is there to say here, really? Both of these teams are coming into this "game" with legendary losing streaks attached, but the fact is this: if Baltimore actually loses this game, everyone should be fired. Every last stinking one of them. Don't even fly 'em home. Make 'em hitch-hike. If Brian Billick can't muster an effort from his team against these sad sacks, it is OVER in Ballmer.
The Jets at New England

Bill’s Pick: New England

Van’s Pick: New England

Only two things can stop the Patriots – a brilliantly executed game plan by a really good team or their own apathy. Somehow, I am not seeing either one at work here. Several commentator have cracked that the Patriots may try to score 100. That’s not funny. That’s a legitimate goal.

Van: I got nothin'. There is no way that Hoodie and the Blowout Fish lose to the rat bastard Man-genius. No. Way. Period.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville

Van’s Pick: Jacksonville

If you tear an ACL, you are gone for the season. A separated shoulder buys you maybe four weeks. High ankle sprain – two or three. And if you suffer a broken ego from a monumental beatdown at the hands of those bad men from Boston, you miss the next week as well. Teams are 3-9 the week after losing to the Pats, and the worse the emasculation, the longer the recovery (see Gibbs, Joe). If Pittsburgh recovers in time, this is the must see football purist game of the year. If not, it’s just Drew and Merriman all over again.

Van: Right now, Jacksonville might be the toughest team in football. They lost Marcus Stroud but they haven't lost their sense of purpose. For that, you must look to their head coach. Jack Del Rio ain't perfect, and he occasionally makes head-scratching decisions, but no one can say that he doesn't prepare his guys or get them into the best position to win. And, I have to admit it: Fred Taylor is Fraud no more to me. This guy has been an absolute revelation for the Jags. When you consider a legitimate two-headed running attack, a ball-control QB, and a ferocious defense, the Jags are another team that will spoil someone's postseason.

Indianapolis at Oakland

Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis

Van’s Pick: Indianapolis

The Raiders are carrying four quarterbacks for reasons best known only to Al Davis, and have committed to starting absolutely anybody but JeMarcus Russell. Da Raidas are 4-9, which in the NFC would put them in the middle of the wild card chase, but in the AFC puts them a whole lot closer to the second pick in the draft. Here’s the thing – the Raiders are not bad. They mostly play hard, they have a good defense, a good running game, some decent receivers, a decent return game and, quietly, one of the five best punters in NFL history. Lane Kiffin might be a legitimate coach (and as such I apologize for all UPS jokes that I may or may not have made at points earlier in the season). BUT (that is, big but, not little but) they suffer from the great modern football palsy of poor quarterback play. Russell will obviously start for the Raiders next year, so why the people by the bay think he will get better without playing is kind of a mystery.

Van: The Colts have a tendency to play down to the level of their competition this season, but then they still win games, which means we'll probably get a lot of Joseph Addai in this one, and that ain't a bad thing. And while I'm all good with waiting for rookies to develop, what on earth are the Raiders waiting on? It's not like they are suddenly going to get all better and wind up in the playoffs...I don't know, maybe JaMarcus Russell somehow ended up in Marcus Allen's old doghouse. Al is kinda foggy these days, and when someone said JaMarcus, he heard Marcus and, well, you get the picture.
Detroit at San Diego

Bill’s Pick: San Diego

Van’s Pick: San Diego

Detroit has lost five in a row. Furthermore, they know it. They were bad on the road even before they started their big skid, and they know that, too. The Chargers will deliver unto the Lions a mighty thrashing, one that will build the Chargers’ unearned reputation as an elite team. Go ahead and mark this down – everything is good now, but when the Chargers get crushed, and I do mean crushed, in the divisional round of the playoffs, the fans will notice that Schottenheimer did better.

Van: The only thing falling faster than the Lions are the bathing suits at a Playboy Mansion swimming party. These guys are in full-fledged Lion mode, stinking outright on the road. Their last victory was against Denver (not to rub salt in any wounds, but geez, if that wasn't enough to get Shanahan fired, nothing will ever be...). They can't run, they can't defend, they can't pass, they can't coach, they can't draft, and their uniforms suck. On the plus side, they are a lot of fun to make fun of because they are officially worse than the Bears, records notwithstanding. The only real problem with this game is that San Diego will win in a rout, and all those "experts" will really believe that this game means something. What it means is that San Diego will get to play in the playoffs...and likely face someone like Cleveland or Jacksonville. Farewell, and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladies...

Quick Slants - Week 14

2007-12-11T03:47:00.000-08:00

Some things you guess, some things you think, and some things you just know.

The Saints won...and they will have the same impact on the playoff picture as belly button lint has on airline weight limits.

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

Remember when the Ravens used to be the team holding the hammer this late in the season, and not the other way around?

Then, too, they did just come off a crushing near-upset of the perfect Patriots, only to face the Rodney Dangerfield Colts, who were more than ready to pounce upon their broken hearts and pound them senseless...

...and it sez so right here that those same Colts are comparative-scoring their way into believing that they can beat New England in January.

In Foxboro.

No. Really.

So, Denver blew out Kansas City, which is kinda nice in that they get to be the team on the sunny side of a lopsided score for the first time this season.

Before anyone goes and gets all misty-eyed about how this Bronco team pulled together and gave a unified effort, this is the same squad that went belly up to the 5-Losses-In-A-Row-And-Counting-Lions...

And we won’t even bring up that debacle in Oakland...

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

With every game, every yard passed, every touchdown tallied, and every step closer to the playoffs, Derek Anderson adds millions to his next contract.

If the brass in Chicago has a pulse, they would be wise to drain Lake Michigan to pay whatever the Browns ask for him.

And if they can’t raise the money legitimately, hey, it’s Chicago. I’m pretty sure that Jerry Angelo knows a guy who knows a guy...a couple of phone calls get made out to Cicero...a couple of wire transfers get made...and for the price of a luxury box suite in perpetuity to a bunch of guys in the, ah, “shipping” business, da Bears will have themselves a genuine franchise QB.

Memo To Anyone Playing New England This Season: Don’t let an alligator mouth overload a butterfly butt. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your rear end can’t cash. Well done is better than well said. Or, as my dear, departed dad might have said...

SHUT. The. Hell. Up.

Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the Patriots deliberately targeted Anthony Smith or anything like that...

...but that boy did end up in a lot of highlights where guys were behind him catching passes for touchdowns.

Just sayin’, is all...

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

It’s official: Brad Childress has regained his name in my book, and has thoroughly won my respect back. Yes, his Minnesota team thumped the crap out of a bad San Francisco team.

But that’s what good teams do: they thump the crap out of bad teams wherever they play them. They don’t lose on the road to the corpses in Oakland, and they don’t lose to a Redskins team two days removed from a funeral.

Tarvaris Jackson, for all the righteous grief that Bill Bryan has (deservedly) heaped upon him, has posted four games in a row with a passer rating of 90 or better (neither Rex Grossman nor Eli Manning can make that claim), the defense continues to hit people in the jibs, and the running game is officially a beast.

The beauty of a power running game like Minnesota’s is that they really don’t give a hoot if you put nine or ten men in the box, because they’re gonna shove “65-Toss-Power-Trap” right down your throat whether you like it or not, and they’re gonna do it all day, and they’re gonna do it with two backs capable of hanging a number on your defense.

So, the Seahawks clinched the NFC West and San Diego is about to clinch the AFC West.

Remind me again about the sound of one hand clapping...?

It doesn’t matter what either of these teams do from here on out, because they are nothing more than first round playoff fodder. Seriously, does anyone really like San Diego to beat Jacksonville in the first round? How about Seattle playing someone like Minnesota?

The Giants managed to squeak by an Iggles squad that a good team would have stomped the crap out of (see Minnesota), not that it matters. This team feels like the Kyle Orton Bears of a couple of years ago...they’re winning, no one really seems to know why, and they will have their club keys invalidated during the first round of the playoffs.

Say what you will about the Expansion Bowl betwixt Jacksonville and Carolina, but there is one glaring difference between the two programs that points to success more than anything else: quarterback.

When Carolina lost Jake Delhomme, they lost their season, period. Never mind that Delhomme doesn’t block, tackle, run the ball, catch passes, kick field goals, or call the plays, mind you...

Jack Del Rio, on the other hand, figured that he was going about as far with Byron Leftwich as he could. No one questions Leftwich’s courage - that guy would fight a hungry lion for a steak – but he just didn’t make good decisions with the football often enough to suit the coach.

David Garrard, on the other hand, is what guys like Trent Dilfer and Kyle Boller should have been: an efficient game manager who will not beat himself, who will not take his team out of a key moment, and who can occasionally make a play to win a game for you.

Just like I said last week, that thumping sound you’re hearing is the sound of fat sportswriter butts re-planting themselves on the Chargers’ bandwagon, as though beating a headless Tennessee team in overtime proves anything. Peter King, in particular, who should know better, was giving the Chargers big ol’ sloppy kisses in his recent Monday Morning Quarterback column...and why?

Lest we forget, this is the same team where Norv Turner had to be tied down like Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” and made to watch hours of looped game film of Number 21("he's on our team? Really?...wow...") before he figured out that it’s a good idea for all involved to get LT the friggin’ football with some regularity.

This is the same team where their allegedly badass linebacker Shawne Merriman got blown to pieces on a blitz pickup by Maurice Jones-Drew, all five-foot-nothin’ of him...

These guys are going to draw someone hungry and filthy like Cleveland, behind hot hand Derek Anderson and rejuvenated wrecking ball Jamal Lewis and ol’ Norv will be at a podium after the game being asked how he managed to lose with a team this talented.

Sage Rosenfels? Again? Who IS this man?

And how the hell can the TEXANS, a friggin’ expansion franchise, find TWO quarterbacks THIS SEASON while the god-awful Bears can’t find ONE in 88 FRIGGIN’ YEARS?

Remember what I wrote earlier about good teams thumping the crap out of bad teams? See the Green Bay/Oakland score...geez...

Right now, if the Lions played the Dolphins, a hole would get ripped in the space/time continuum yada yada yada tentacular horrors, etc., etc.,...

I mean, the Dolphins, a franchise that featured Larry Czonka and Jim Kiick, guys who wouldn’t fumble the football if you hit them in the nards right now, this same franchise fielded a team last Sunday that turned the football over TEN TIMES...8 by fumble...
(Insert Your Own Joke Here).

...and I’m OUT like Jason Campbell...tough luck, kid...

Week 14 Prognostications - Lies, Damn Lies, And Bill's Picks

2007-12-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

I saw a piece on Nostradamus on the History Channel a few weeks ago, and in addition to being regularly wrong, he was a complete paranoiac wingnut. So, on the off chance that Van manages to edge me this year, I have already set the groundwork for what I intend to think about prognostication generally.

Van: I can see it now: Bill crowing about moral victories and his lone, great week of domination as he tries to console himself that second place really isn’t first loser. Again. Not that I’m counting, you understand.

Experts have started to nibble around the edge of the sudden shift in fashion away from the 350 carry running back, but nobody has yet applied it to where it really matters, which is fantasy football. Next year, only the foolish league will draft running backs with 20 of the first 24 picks, because suddenly backs are what receivers have always been – a commodity readily available on the waiver wire starting in Week Two. Did anybody draft Kolby Smith, Earnest Graham, Derrick Ward, Andre Hall, Ryan Grant, Justin Fargas, Ron Dayne, or any of the other spare runners who turned in at least one monster week?

Van: Methinks my perpetually-befuddled pal hath a point. If anything, the field at running back has leveled out tremendously. There used to be a fairly steep drop-off point from the elite backs to what some have called “The Eddie George Level,” where guys like Reuben Droughns and Thomas Jones are carrying the mail. Now? Other than Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson, I don’t know of a back that I’d draft before the third round. Quarterback is now the pick-du-jour of the first round. Do not be surprised to see six or seven signal callers gone before the first round is done next summer.

The ability to reevaluate the landscape consistently is what will allow me to overcome this minor deficit and beat Van this year.

Van: The ability to manipulate reality to whatever suits him is why he will lose to me this year. Check my picks out here and compare, o mighty wise shopper.

Ours not to question why, ours but to do or die. On, on, on.

Carolina at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
It would probably be unfair to judge these two franchises who showed up on our doorstep the same day twelve short years ago by this game, but then, did I ever claim to be fair? Word around the campfire is that John Fox’s job is on the line, that The Chin has measured the commute and found it suitable. Fifteen teams hope that this is so, because Fox is an upgrade for all of them, and no matter how much you love Cowher, he would be losing with David Carr and Vinny Testaverde, too. Now that I cadged your catchphrase, Mr. Walker, what campfire is this, exactly?

Van: The campfire? Hey, the game is sold, not told, rookie. Anyway, you already made my point for me, in your typically stilted, backhanded way: Bill Cowher will NOT be coaching the Panthers anytime soon, for the very reasons you have elucidated: no QB. Quarterbacks are either healthy or they are broken or they are Rex Grossman, who was broken, then healthy, then “made us all wish he was still broken.” Paraphrasing Denethor from the box-set special edition of LOTR, “Do not trouble me with Jake Delhomme. I know him and his uses are but few.” Fact is, if Delhomme was going to do it, he’d have done it by now. Having already coached a QB that has done “it,” Cowher isn’t going to be sucked into believing any signal caller on the Panthers roster is anywhere near the level of the last guy he had. And if the Panthers kick John Fox to the curb, who wears the headset next season?

San Diego at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The Chargers are Dead Men Walking. With A.J. Smith’s puzzling announcement that Norv Turner will be back net year, the Chargers have nothing left to play for. This is like the end of Trading Places, where it turns out that Jason Robards ruined Dan Ackroyd’s life for a dollar. You can look for even the indomitable LaDainian Tomlinson to shuffle listlessly through this game, because not only will they continue to be mediocre team in a horrible division this year, which was not exactly their preseason goal, but now there is no next year. What are they supposed to tell each other? “Wait ‘til 2009, dog. We’ll get ‘em in 2009.”

Van: First off, Jason Robards wasn’t even IN “Trading Places,” bonehead. Somehow you’re slandering either Ralph Bellamy or Don Ameche, venal sins to be sure, but still... Second, this is precisely the kind of game that the Chargers will win convincingly, to the sound of experts salivating across the land. “Oh, they’ve got the ship righted.” “Oh, Norv’s gonna really break out with this team.” Oh, crap. Whether they stomp the Titans or not, they are still no better than fourth or fifth in the AFC right now, which still spells “first round playoff exit.”

Miami at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
D-III product Fred Jackson looked pretty good last week, and every time he touches the ball, I just want to yell, “Janet Jackson? Got outta the car looking more like Freddy Jackson!” Not that it matters – the love of Van’s life, Marshawn Lynch, looks to be back in the lineup this week, lighting up safeties, fighting for extra yards and sitting on Van’s lap singing “Happy Birthday” to him on national television. I still do not believe that Miami will go 0-16 (though the magnificence with which they blew a golden opportunity against the brutal J!E!T!S! suggests otherwise), but I can tell you that when they finally do get one, it will not be on the road, and certainly not in cold weather.

Van: Then, according to whatever it is that you call logic, they will have to win one of their remaining two home games. Against either Baltimore or Cincinnati. First off, there is NO STINKIN WAY that a Ray Lewis team loses to a winless team, period, not if he has to make every damn tackle his own self…which, in this case, might not be that big of a challenge. Second, are you seriously suggesting that Carson Palmer won’t find Whosyamama, Ocho Stinko, and Jailbreak Henry all night? And I think we can forget about a win at New England, even if The Belicheat plays the second string. They blew the only chance remaining to them to avoid history when they laid down against the Jets last weekend. They are done. Perhaps the ’72 Curmudgeons will send the current edition their cases of champagne, to be opened when the next team fails to go O-Fer-The-Season…

St. Louis at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
Van’s Pick: St. Louis
The problem here is that Paul Brown Stadium has no roof. This means that wind, snow, even sunshine can run amok through the field, and any of these things are enough to give Marc Bulger a season-ending injury. The Rams are not very good with or without Bulger, with or without Steven Jackson, with or without them, with or without them. They just suck, with or without them. But at least they care. I would have a hard time picking the Bungles for student council treasurer right now, because a lack of talent trumps a lack of integrity every time. If the Rams manage to strike quickly, watch the Bungles magically disintegrate into a big dollop of disinterested goo.

Van: Tell ya what, ya gotta respect the effort that Torry Holt has put in this season. His numbers are typically stellar, even though he’s been the lone consistent offensive option all season. I can’t even tell you how he’s done it, what with both Flotsam and Jetsam playing QB this season and no running game to speak of. The Bengals? Meh.

Tampa Bay at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
If it’s Hanukkah, it must be Sage Rosenfels. I like the Texans and I just don’t get the Bucs, so that’s all the analysis you get.

Van: I like Tampa Bay because they are better than Houston, period. Say what you will of Earnest Graham, but he utterly trumps anything at running back for the Texans. Speaking of which, the last GM passed on Reggie Bush, and rightly so, because he saw a lot of money being flushed down a second-and-long hole…which makes it rather inexplicable that the current guy spent a HUUUGE pile of dough on a guy trying to make first downs from the trainer’s table. Still, Houston fans are happy because all the amyl nitrate that David Carr popped was making their eyes water.

Pittsburgh at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Some Steeler safety of whom I have never heard has guaranteed victory over the Patriots. This is exactly why there is still hazing in football, why it is occasionally your teammates’ responsibility to duct tape your dumb ass into your own locker. While the Patriots inability to stop the run, exposed originally by the Colts and since used by everyone who can stay close enough to still use the run, is a little disquieting, but it sez so right here that America’s Favorite Football Coach deploys a couple of new ideas aimed at stopping Fast Willie Parker, whom you may remember I don’t like anyway.

Van: “Meddle not in the affairs of the dragon; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” Y’know, we all like a good upset, largely because they are so rare. For all of the Yankees’ postseason struggles, the fact remains that they’ve won more World Series’ in the last decade than the Cubs have in the last century. Some cipher on Pittsburgh guaranteeing victory is about as bright as bearding a dragon in its own lair. And, last I checked, there ain’t a Red Crosse Knight, Beowulf, or Bard the Bowman on Pittsburgh’s active roster. This game is a rout by halftime.

Kansas City at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I have a reason this time. Travis Henry is Joe Pendleton from Heaven Can Wait, back from the dead to get it right. This week, armed with the rock, some gimpy backups and a new lease on life, he faces a Chiefs defense playing with the Bengals’ cast-off linebackers. Javon Walker is a week healthier. The best thing that can happen for the Broncos’ defense is the opportunity to play an actual NFL game where the offense and special teams do not continually place them in ridiculous situations. There is no guarantee that this will happen, but at least the Chefs are missing enough playmakers that the Donkeys will have to give the ball up without much prodding, which I always hope they stop doing.

Van: I have a better reason this time. Kansas City stinks on wheat. The only touchdown they scored last weekend came from a defensive lineman. That’s not good. Neither are they.

Cleveland at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I hate myself for this pick, but the Jets are playing half-decent ball right now and the Browns look to me like a team looking for a place to collapse. The Browns looked really good in the middle rounds, but this is an honest-to-goodness heavyweight fight, full 16 rounds. Big boy stuff. The Jets ducked and covered for most of the season, meaning they will get easily outpointed but have an unlikely level of punching power left.

Van: I actually changed my mind on this one only about a hundred times. It sez so right here that the Brownies finally get off the schnide and win a road game. The Jets can be had. All the Browns have to do is get them into a shootout, because the Jets don’t have enough bullets in the holster to compete. If Cleveland gets out to an early lead of like 10-0 or 14-0, it’s over before halftime. If the Jets are leading by some low, baseball-type score, the Brownies lose. I’m taking the Browns to score a bundle in this one.

Indianapolis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Colts with a bullet. One of those great big ones they use to hunt blue whales (or, you know, that they would use to hunt blue whales if they did such a thing). The Ravens played their Super Bowl last week against the Patriots, and this short week is not enough time for them to face that the season is still going. The Ravens very nearly conquered Everest, but on the final ascent managed to coach, play, and talk themselves out of going any further. For the record, people who do that on Everest generally die.

Van: The Colts can’t beat the Patriots, and, right now, they might not be able to beat the Cowboys, but they will pimp-slap the taste out of the Ravens’ mouths this weekend. The Colts match up so much better with Baltimore than the Patriots do, because of Joseph Addai. Having him as an ultra-reliable, yard-getting, clock-eating option on the offense will stop Rex Ryan’s Havoc Wreakers from pillaging the offense the way they pillaged New England last weekend, AND the Colts regularly use the no-huddle, which means that the heavy-breathers up front for Baltimore will be gassed before the first Peyton Manning commercial.

Quick Slants - Week 13

2007-12-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

So, there I am, minding my own business, checking into my Yahoo! account, when I read the following tag-line: “Patriots’ perfect season should’ve ended.”

Clicking on the button brought up the following headers: “Patriots’ great escape,” and “The Ravens had the Patriots beat before they collapsed and Tom Brady took charge.”

To all of which I say:

The good people at Yahoo! couldn’t be more wrong.

The Patriots’ perfect season should NOT have ended. The Patriots did NOT escape. And the Ravens did NOT have the Patriots beat, et cetera et cetera...

No one gets credit for winning 59 minutes of a 60 minute game, or the Bears would have a victory this week (and one against the Chargers, truth be told)...as would anyone else who has ever led a game through 59 minutes and lost.

Last I checked, the winning team had the most points after 60 minutes...or overtime.

The Patriots, for the twelfth time this season, were that team, despite everything a game Ravens squad did to change the outcome.

The simple fact is that the Ravens did not do enough to win, and the Patriots did.

This is what we are reduced to: we no longer marvel at New England’s victories, nor at the fact that they are producing when it counts most, but that they are no longer blowing opponents off the field.

That is greatness.

Meanwhile...

Some things you guess. Some things you think. And some things you just know.

The Lions will finish with a record below .500 yet again during the Matt Millen era, and this after starting 6-2 through their first 8 games.

They have dropped 4, count ‘em, 4 games in a row and that whooshing sound they’re hearing is the sound of a team that has reached terminal velocity...and the bottom can’t get here soon enough.

They just lost stud receiver Roy Williams for what looks like the rest of the season, and if I’m Roy, I am in no itchin’ hurry to get back to the ass-whuppins remaining on their schedule (Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay).

The Bears are now officially playing for next season, having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at home against the bloody awful Giants.

And all they have to do is: find a quarterback, find a running back, shore up an ancient and creaky O-line, and stiffen up a defense that looks like it needs the little blue pill worse than Citizen Ron Dole did back in the day.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers keep finding ways to win, this despite what appears to be a black hole at quarterback.

Explanation for San Diego’s recent victory: Norv “Al Gore” Turner gave LT the ball 23 times. LT responded with an absurd 177 rushing yards and 2 TDs.

There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking GM A.J. Smith the following question: “That kid’s been on the roster all year, or did you sign him from the practice squad? We gotta get him some touches or something.”

There may be some truth to the rumor that Viking veterans wish Adrian Peterson wasn’t such a quick healer, as his continued jaunts into enemy territory further secure Boo Boo The Fool Childress’ job status for the immediate future.

Still, we did have a Tavaris Jackson sighting last Sunday...but before we go getting all excited and stuff, remember that said sighting came against the Lions.

This is kinda like the idiot brother-in-law you hate showing you video of Bigfoot that he caught last week...sure, it might be true, but, well, consider the friggin’ source...

Maybe it’s just me, but no one is talking about how the Colts escaped with a victory against the Jaguars, even though the game was just as hotly contested as was New England/Baltimore...

But then again, apparently, there’s something wrong with the team that won last season’s championship...never mind that they’ve only lost twice this season (once to New England, and once through your Deity/Higher Power Of Choice’s direct intervention against San Diego).

Still, what kind of “knee bruise” keeps Marvin Harrison out for seven games so far...and likely until the playoffs, if then?

This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.

Last week, it was Devin Hester. This week, it was Justin Fargas. The Broncos have tackled neither to date...

Overheard after last week’s debacle in Oakland: “Scouting report? Vat is zis “scouting report” you speak of? Ve need no such “scouting reports” to play ze foosball in Denver! Ve play! Like ze beautiful muzik, we play! And ve giff to our players ze Lie Detector because ve knows dey are all truth-telling, high-moral-fiber persons who don’t drive drunk, smoke ze dope, or beat up ze ordinary palookas at ze house parties!”

Attention: Bill Cowher, please pick up the white courtesy phone...it’ll be Pat Bowlen, asking if you and your family like skiing and something about complimentary season lift tickets...

Gotta love Vince Young. The guy’s been killing me all year and picks this week to wake up...geez...

I’d make a snide remark about Atlanta/St. Louis, except, well...they could get into a West Side Story Jets versus Sharks knife fight and it still wouldn’t draw more than flies.

Finally, you’re the Miami Dolphins.

You are at home.

You are facing the one team on your schedule that you could conceivably beat.

You don’t want to be the first team in NFL history to go 0-16, especially with the fact that your franchise is the only one in NFL history to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl.

No one needs that kind of ironic notoriety.

So what kind of effort do you sum up against the benighted New York Jets, with the weight of history on your side?

You respond by taking your first lead in the game at 13-10...and then promptly giving up 30 unanswered points.

Way to answer the bell. Punks.

...and I’m OUT like Derrick Ward...

Week 13 Prognostications - Bill Makes A Candide Reference...Geez

2007-11-29T04:45:00.000-08:00

Van and I are up early this week to accommodate an NFL game you probably cannot watch. Allow me to make some suggestions as to what you might substitute:

1. With a little channel-jumping, you could go right from What’s New Scooby Doo? (BOOM) to Pinky and the Brain (Disney) to Duck Dodgers (BOOM) to SpongeBob (Nickelodeon).
2. The Cave – I have never heard of this movie, but the description goes, “Deadly monsters hunt members of an exploration team within a vast network of caverns beneath the Carpathian Mountains.” How great does that sound? Morris Chestnut and Cole Hauser are in it, too. It’s on Channel 20 in Denver, so you may have to search for it a bit in your market.
3. The Good Times marathon on TV Land. Dynomite.
4. The Biography of Guns n’ Roses on the Biography channel. Its genre is listed as education.
5. Home Alone 4 on ABC Family. Seriously, there is a Home Alone 4, and it has two and a half stars.

Van: Amazingly, I got nothin’. But I guess this is what happens when you go from one game up to three games down in the short span of a week...you get a little unhinged. To see what salt rubbed into an open wound looks like (a/k/a my picks), click here.
Onward Christian soldiers!

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
This is the classic less filling/tastes great debate between Van and I, and if he does not take Indy here, he is a miserable sell-out. Jacksonville wins ugly. Furthermore, they try to win ugly. They appear to choose their offensive personnel for the purpose of winning ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The Colts are beautiful. The Colts complete eight or ten passes a game that make the mightiest dilettantes bark, “Whoa! That was sweet!” Even their defense is pretty. It was pretty even when it was bad. You might mistake this for my own quixotic stand against aestheticism, which I acknowledge is completely my fault at this point, but in fact Indianapolis always struggles in Jacksonville. I like Indy as they get pieces back, particularly Dallas Clark, whose ability to misplace the linebacker trying to cover him in the end zone is one of the real wonders of football, but they have this last stumbling block before their late January visit to Foxboro.

Van: David Garrard has 0 interceptions in 209 pass attempts, which is good. David Garrard didn’t throw 6 picks in one game like Peyton Manning did (which is bad). Still, let there be no doubt about the superior signal-caller in this game: it is, am, are, was, and will be Peyton Manning. The Colts are better, they are at home, and they are still kinda miffed about the lack of love they aren’t getting. Woe betide the Jag-Wires.

San Diego at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Ugh. The AFC West. Van proclaimed Kolby Smith “nobody” last week shortly before he went out and hung a buck-fifty and two touchdowns on the Raiders. Nope, no conclusion on my part, I just wanted to point that out. Brodie Croyle, whom I like even though he looks pretty clueless, is hurt and might not play. Van called him “nobody,” too. So if you’re down to nobody and nobody gets hurt, who exactly do you put in the game? Me? Can I play? San Diego is now my official second-favorite NFL team because, of the four teams in this god-awful division, they have the best shot of finishing over .500. Pride, baby.

Van: This is precisely the kind of game that San Diego needs to win to take some control of their division...which is precisely why they won’t win it. This team needs to go down the yellow brick road, see the wizard, and get hearts for the players and a brain for Norv “Al Gore” Turner. Watch: these knuckleheads will put nine men in the box to stop Kolby Smith, only to get burned through the air somehow. It won’t matter. They will invent a new way to get beat.

The Jets at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: The Jets
The Dolphins are bad. This is true. They are not, however, 0-16 bad. This is a team suffering from a perfect storm of injuries, age, bad bounces and slow adjustments, but not an expansion team put together by a college coach who badly overvalued his old players (like his son – look it up). The Jets are also bad. People had great expectations for the Jets after they inexplicably went 10-6 last year, but many of us looked at them and saw no real upgrade from the 4-12 2005 team. The biggest factor in this game is that the Dolphins have to look at it and honestly believe they can win, while the Jets have to be absolutely terrified that they will be the Dolphins lone victim this year. Confidence beats abject terror. Almost every time.

Van: Right now, Eric Mangini is showing his Jets film of their surprising defeat of the Steelers, followed by film of the Steelers mud-wrestling match with the Dolphins, and he’s making one simple point: you’ve already beaten the better team. The Dolphins, meanwhile, get the benefit of Ricky Williams for six whole plays before losing him for the season and shake impotent fists at an indifferent sky. They are cursed and they know it.

Houston at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Houston
In his contract year, Albert Haynesworth has earned even more money being hurt than he has by playing. You know how you showed up at the theatre and settled down with your popcorn before you realized that they actually made Next Friday without Chris Tucker? That is how the lucky ticket holders at Titan Stadium have to feel. As the news that Haynesworth is inactive filters through the stadium, 70,000 people get whiplash adjusting their expectations at full speed.

Van: Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated made a great point about Haynesworth, that I’ll paraphrase: the man doesn’t play quarterback or coach, so why is this team 0-3 without him? Whatever’s wrong with Vince Young ain’t good, because he has become the anti-Randall Cunningham. Whatever Tennessee’s mojo was, they lost it when Fat Albert got hurt and they haven’t been the same since.

Denver at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I hope the Donkeys are less demoralized by the Bears loss than I am. I think I’m suffering from ennui. Or perhaps reality. Maybe it’s just a headache. Watching me watch the Broncos has to be like reading Candide. I have this great Panglossian faith that all we need is (insert Insipid Concern A, not nearly sufficient to make the Broncos a playoff team), when in fact (insert any of a number of injuries or general inabilities), and you are thinking, “Dude, what the hell is the matter with you that you still think Insipid Concern A is going to help? Or even happen?” While I am compulsively sitting on my couch at 2 pm MST consistently surprised at the Donkeys’ infirmities, they will be feverishly making new running backs out of Play-Doh in the back room. This season will never end. It’s like that Twilight Zone episode…

Van: So, uh, I wonder how those special teams meetings went for Denver this week? And let’s not forget, it was Dre Bly who was getting consistently and successfully picked on by Rex Grossman last week, something that Daunte Culpepper is certain to notice. Still, I like the Broncos to bounce back, if only because it won’t allow me to demand Mike Shanahan’s head for one more week.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Last week, Cincinnati found Chad Johnson. This week, Ocho Cinco finds the turf at Heinz Field. You know those desiccants that come in the packaging for new cameras and binoculars? The ones you aren’t supposed to eat? Why couldn’t they just sprinkle those all over the field? The Steelers are playing wretched football right now, but such is my distaste for the Bungles that I cannot believe in them, and poor field conditions (nobody who has ever played golf can possibly believe that some horticultural wizard can fix that grass in six days) should affect the visitors more than the homesters.

Van: “Found Chad Johnson!” “Where, dude?” “Behind the couch.” “Cool.” “I found Hare Krishna too.” “Where, under the table? Ha ha ha.” “No, dude, I really found him. My whole life is different now.” “Oh...sorry, dude.” “...PSYCHE!! I found him in a shoebox!” "Niiiiice, dude."

New England at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Somewhere along the yellow brick road, Dorothy met a couple of flying monkeys who briefly delayed her. Tom Brady is Dorothy, the Eagles are the flying monkeys, and the delay is temporary. I don’t know who the cowardly lion is. Bill Belichick is the wizard and there is no Wicked Witch of West, but the wizard keeps telling people that there is. Randy Moss is the tin man with his brand new heart. Van can be Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Van: Bert Lahr is the Cowardly Lion. Hilary Clinton hasn’t been the same since that house fell on her sister. New England wins going away...as do I, Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Sean Taylor Is Dead

2007-11-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

Sean Taylor is dead.

Nothing will change.

We will continue to raise a nation of bastards.

We will continue to purchase the records and images of those exhorting us to self-destruction.

We will continue to go to the corner store, play the number, get a Fo-Zero, get budded, get zooted, live meaningless lives and die worthless deaths.

Our children will continue to grow up unattended, uneducated, and unable to see beyond the boundaries of a prison/gangsta lifestyle.

Our women will continue to play willing breeders to ignorant, uneducated, criminal profligates.

Our "men" will continue to sire progeny with no thought for what happens after the sex act is completed beyond "holla back atcha boy."

Our children will continue to sample from the buffet of drugs available to them because there are no adults telling them otherwise.

Our children will continue to sample from the buffet of drugs available to them because all they see are adults doing those same drugs in front of them.

We will continue to demand rights that we have no right to demand.

We will continue to blame white people dead for six or seven generations for things that were never done to us personally.

Here's a hint: THE GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN OF THE LAST OF THE SLAVEHOLDERS ARE ALL DEAD.

Here's another one: slavery, Jim Crow, and segregation did not stop a man from achieving.

Frederick Douglass, an escaped slave, became one of our nation's greatest abolitionist orators in the midst of the federal and legal fact of slavery.

Therefore, I will here nothing from MC Such-And-Such who dropped out of high school because "the white kids in the 'burbs had laptops and we only had water-stained dictionaries."

Malcolm X had a dictionary as well.

But our children will not read.

They won't read because their parents and grandparents did not read.

They will not read because their great-grandmother, 44 years old and on disability, did not read.

They will have cell phones.

They will have Prada and Nike.

They will have Jordans (23" rims on their cars) and their rides will bang (500 watts in the trunk).

They will dance to Souljah Boy.

They will smoke the herb and sell the rock to their own children.

They will continue to fill our prisons...deservedly so.

The next man who says that blacks are overrepresented in prison gets kicked in the nuts by me, followed closely by a night spent on the corner of 6 Mile and Gratiot in Detroit.

Should said idiot survive to the next morning, he will become the J. Paul Getty of building super-max prisons.

He would be right to do so.

My people are a nation of drunks, drug addicts, whores, profligates, bastards, rapists, thieves, drug dealers, and murderers...and we are stupid enough to believe that this is a good thing.

If you don't believe me, please check out the lyrics of the latest rap album of your choice.

Sean Taylor is dead.

Not a damn thing will change.

And just so you know, I burned my James Brown pass on the way out, and the only way I'm coming back is with an airstrike.

Sean Taylor is dead.

Y'all can have it.

I'm out.

Quick Slants - Week 12

2007-11-27T01:11:00.000-08:00

This just in – Mike Shanahan is stupid as hell.

No. Really. Mike Shana – excuse me, Devin Hester just scored again.

Again.

No. Really. Devin Hester just scored again.

For all of those writing about how the Donkeys’ special teams coaches should fall on their swords for kicking to Devin Hester, I have four little words.

Shut. The. Hell. Up.

Last time I checked, Mike Shanahan is the Grand Poobah and Qwisatz Haderach of all things Donkey Football. Last I checked, Mike Shenanigans-again-and-again was given carte blanche to run the franchise after he got John Elway pointed the right direction during St. John’s final seasons.

Last I checked, the special teams coaches answered to Shanahan.

Excuse me – Devin Hester just scored again...although only the Bronco coaches are surprised.

Just so we’re clear on this: Devin Hester has been a professional football player for all of 15 months, all in the NFL.

The man has returned 10 kickoffs and punts for touchdowns in those 15 months.

For those of you scoring at home, congratulations.

For those of you waiting for the other shoe to drop, 10 kickoff/punt returns for touchdowns is already 4th all-time.

For those of you waiting for the other SOCK to drop, two (!!) kickoff/punt returns in the same game is Numero Uno all-time, and the man has now done it twice.

TWICE.

All-time.

As in: Rick Upchurch (Donkey fans prostrate themselves), Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, “Neon” Deion Sanders, and...dare we say it...Gale Sayers.

As in: Gale Sayers, the Hall of Famer, is now second (!!) on the all-time Chicago Bears list to Devin “History” Hester.

The man is statistically and visually better than Gale-Friggin-Sayers and you kicked the ball to him anyway.

Bill Cower can’t rescue this franchise soon enough.

MEANWHILE, in other news:

Now we know why Bill Belichick keeps his foot on the gas all game.

On any given Sunday, if this were a lesser team playing for lesser goals, the Patriots lose and no one hates them for it.

But this team is now used to playing all 60 minutes, whether their opponents did or not.

This team is used to giving maximum effort all the time, when they are tired, when they are hurting...when they know they can sack out for the next four weeks and still make the playoffs, likely with a first round bye anyway.

This team has played every down of every game this season like they were losing in the fourth quarter, like they actually were against a game Philadelphia squad in an actual game.

We should not wonder that they won. We should wonder that their effort has not flagged in this, their 11th game of the season.

It’s not just that the Pats are good. Hell, the Jag-wires are good if records mean anything. It’s that the Pats are committed to playing tackle football for 60 full minutes.

That is why they will go undefeated. Through 660 minutes of football, they have given less than their maximum effort in exactly 0 (ZEE-RO) of those minutes.

Perfection is less a record than a mindset.

If quarterbacks were stocks, I’d throw the mortgage on Derek Anderson’s next contract.

Kolby Smith is part of the answer to the following question:

“Why is it butt-stupid to give veteran running backs biiiiig contracts or contract extensions?”

Because Kolby Smith and Andre Hall can walk in from the scout team and get 100 yards in an NFL football game.

Apparently, only the Chicago Bears (Gale Sayers, Walter Payton) can’t find a guy worth 80 yards a game these days...

Just so we’re all clear on this, I called the current Lions El Foldo three weeks ago, when they were all 6-2 and looking positively playoff-ish. (Thanks, Coach Mora.)

If the Iggles could hold New England to 31 on a bad day and almost win, what does a bad Patriot day mean to a good Dallas or Green Bay squad?

A wiseguy’s dream of a Super Bowl betting line.

That’s if New England gets there, that is...word around the campfire is that the Colts are, uh, kinda urinated about people disrespecting them, even though they are doing what really good teams do: beat bad teams and good teams and everyone not named New England.

The Saints beat the Panthers and no one noticed; not that they should’ve...

The Cleveland Browns are the best thing to happen to football since last year’s Saints...except they won’t get as far.

Deucedly cleverly scheduling from the NFL, keeping the Browns in the AFC...

Bumblebees fly and the Jaguars are 8-3.

No one knows why either of the above is true.

So, what happens now that the Giants crapped their drawers against Minnesota?

Does that mean that Tampa Bay is the new NFC Gamma Dawg to Dallas’ Alpha and Green Bay’s Beta?

For a Gamma Dawg, they sure don’t look all swole up and green to me...unless one assumes that they’re dead and bloated (Thanks, Stone Temple Pilots).

Let me get this straight: in the same calendar year, the Cleveland Cavaliers go to the NBA Finals and the Cleveland Indians go to the World Series.

And the Browns have waaay more than a pulse right now...

...Just sayin’...

How much does one player mean to a team? Ask the Carolina Panthers, adrift ever since Jake Delhomme broke, or the Houston Texans, who might have been the Browns this season if Andre Johnson could’ve played in more games...

...or ask the Tennessee Titans.

With contract-year Albert Haynesworth out of the lineup, the team has lost 3 games in a row and has looked progressively worse in each loss. Apparently, the only way they can win is by last year’s Bears formula: the defense pitches a shutout and the offense tries not to tie its shoelaces together.

But no Haynesworth suddenly makes their defense soft. And the offense is incapable of doing anything offensive.

This guy could be defensive player of the year for missing a quarter of the season...

Remember back when Joe Gibbs’ offense scored virtually at will, with almost anyone at QB?

Apparently, he doesn't.

...and I’m OUT like Cedric Benson...punk...

Quick Slants - Stuff To Be Thankful For

2007-11-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am personally thankful for each and every one of the following:

That my name isn’t Barry Bonds or Michael Vick.

That I’m nowhere near a retail outlet of any sort on the day after Thanksgiving.

That I’m not in charge of spinning Nick Saban’s latest verbal gaffe.

That, of all the names that will be published in George Mitchell’s report on steroids in baseball, mine won’t be one of them.

That I’m not a member of the Philadelphia Eagles and traveling to Foxboro this weekend.

That I’m not Isaiah Thomas.

That it ain’t me getting blowed up by Mo-Jo Drew on Youtube.

That I’m not Scott Boras.

That I’m not Stephon Marbury.

That I’m not the guy who signed Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson to big money contract extensions.

That I’m not the guy who gave Ahman Green a big ol’ pile of cash.

That I’m not the head coach of the worst Notre Dame football team in school history.

That I’m not Lloyd Carr.

That I’ll only get about a billion fewer questions about coaching at Michigan than Les Miles will.

That I have never driven to Wendy’s naked and drunk.

That I don’t have 9 different children by 9 different women.

That I’m not about to serve a 4 game suspension for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated to the worst team in history after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not the guy paying A-Rod $275 million over the next 10 years.

That I’m not a Bulls season ticket holder.

That I’m not the guy who had to set the largest point spread in NFL history and get his bosses to sign off on it.

That I’m not the guy who signed off on the largest point spread in NFL history.

That I don’t own the Vikings, Adrian Peterson notwithstanding.

That I don’t own the Supersonics, Kevin Durant notwithstanding.

That I’m not a Steinbrenner heir...as far as I know...

That I’m not the guy who has to revise all those Elias Baseball Abstracts when Barry Bonds does a perp walk and gets the Kennesaw Mountain Landis boot.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig. (Trust me, it bore repeating.)

That our next president will not be a woman.

That I don’t live in Los Angeles, the second-largest market in the U.S., and no pro football team to speak of, U.S.C. notwithstanding.

That I don’t have to share a locker room with Kobe Bryant.

That I haven’t won the Tour De France in the last decade.

That I haven’t won a gold medal in the Olympics in anything in the last two decades.

That I’m not the damn near unintelligible NFL analyst Emmitt Smith, an alleged Florida graduate.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for putting the NHL into WitSec with The Erasernator.

That I don’t live in a state that has twice elected actors (!!) as Republican governors.

That I don’t hang out with Pac-Man Jones, not even on accident.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the abortion otherwise known as “D-War.”

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the crowd noise in Indianapolis.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for releasing “Grindhouse” on Easter Weekend...I mean, really...

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the Homeland Security Department (gee, thanks a bunch, Dubya...idiot).

That I’m not the Republican that will lose by 48 states in the next presidential election.

That I’m not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted the U.S.’s most dangerous city...

That I'm not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted as the U.S.'s second-most dangerous city, after, of course, Detroit.

That I'm not looking for a house, a car, or a job in Detroit.

That this isn’t a political column.

Sometimes.

That I’m not the guy who has to live with banning alcohol on team flights and sponsorships from Anheuser-Busch and Miller...not that there’s a conflict of interest or anything, I’m just sayin’...

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder. (See Selig, Bud.)

That NASCAR will never overtake MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) in the public eye, because if there’s one thing that rednecks love more than pro wrestling and flaming car wrecks, it’s genuine and bloody whupass on pay-per-view.

And finally, that for all of my carping, sports remain a refuge in a vast sea of entertainment “meh” because I remain fully convinced that at least some of the people are trying some of the time.

Don’t believe me? Just ask that helmet-shaped bruise in the middle of Shawne Merriman’s rib cage...heh heh heh...

Week 12 Prognostications - Turkey Day Special

2007-11-22T00:06:00.000-08:00

Van would like to apologize publicly for all past disrespect of Bill. He acknowledges Bill’s superior knowledge of football as well as his superior mastery of the English language. All this time, Van has been jealous of Bill’s triple-digit IQ, his literary bent and his freedom. And now he must be jealous of Bill’s lead.

Attorney for Van: Mr. Walker stipulates to the fact that Bill is in front. He’d speak for himself, Your Honor, but he’s too busy frothing at the mouth right now.

I shot the Sheriff. There is a new Sheriff in town. Long live the Sheriff.

Totally unrelated: Barry Bonds is a jerk. News flash. But seriously, folks -

Jimmy Rollins beat Matt Holliday for the NL MVP by 17 points, the closest race since 1991, when Terry Pendleton beat Barry Bonds by 15. That’s the jerk margin. He would obviously claim not to care, but if Bonds is an even marginally more pleasant human being, he picks up another MVP.

Van: See, that’s where you make your mistake; you assumed Bonds was human in the first place.

Jason Giambi. Anyone mad at Jason Giambi? Anyone? OK, anyone who is not a Yankees fan?

Finally, do you think the grand jury that finally saw fit to indict Bonds after being convened for like 15 years would have stayed convened so long if Bonds did not allow his BFF to rot in jail that whole time?

Van: Y’know, you could work up a pretty cool Nice Guy Eddie rant about Bonds’ boy sitting in jail instead of singing, but I’m thinking that there used to be a very large cashier’s check waiting for him…alas and alack, the grand jury indicted Bonds anyway, so he ended up doing time for nothing. Bonehead.

And do you think Bonds has a chance in hell of getting off?

Van: He has the same chance that you have of repeating last week’s miracle…but hey, two more and you qualify for sainthood. Me? I’ll stick to outpicking you this week.

Meanwhile, Van’s time is about up. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Boom.

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Tyrants got a right to be hostile. See, I have heard of Glenn Martinez and Andre Hall by virtue of being trapped in this media market, but the Titans probably had not. They probably have not heard of any of the Bungles’ linebackers, either, but I doubt that this will come back to haunt them. The Tyrants are mad. Hurt. Humiliated. The Bungles? They just won, like, two weeks ago. They are not due again until Week 15 at San Francisco. Put the Bungles down for 4-11 and wake me up for the Miami game. Still undecided on that one. Did you see that Pacman Jones and Albert Haynesworth got in a fight somewhere? Do you suppose that both of them had some pent-up aggression, saw the other and thought, “here is the only guy in the world that I can fight and people will not automatically assume it is my fault”?

Van: Vince Young is brutal. Right now, the only quarterback worse than him in the entire NFL is Alex Smith. As abysmal as that sounds, that also means that Joey Harrington, David Carr, and any of the clowns in Minnesota are better than Vince Young. Vince Young is doing for the Titans defense what Rex Grossman does for the Bears defense…or, if you prefer, what cirrhosis does for a liver. There is no stinkin’ way the Titans should have lost to Gil Grissom Shanahan and the CSI Broncos last weekend, what with the coach using lie detectors and monitoring hair samples…what’s next? Gas chromatography? The Broncos are a hot mess, and they stomped a mudhole into the Titans last weekend. The Queen City Kitties are equally a hot mess, but with a much better QB in Carson Palmer, and Tennessee gets bounced again.

Houston at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Rosario Dawson and Monica Bellucci are standing in separate glass cases. My wife is not available at this time. Please leave a message. So, anyway, Rosario and Monica are there, neither giving me any clear indications. No licking lips, no raised eyebrows, no come hither of any kind. They both look great in their different ways, but only one is the right choice. Hard to believe, I know, but one of these is not a winner. OK, this is a bad analogy, because the Texans and Browns are really like Famke Janssen and Sonya Walger, B-list beauties for whom I have an outsized appreciation, and all this while I am completely devoted to the Broncos (hi, honey). The Browns are at home. So, I’m taking Rosario because she is wearing fewer clothes.

Van: After watching Phil Dawson’s Doink! win the game last weekend, I am convinced that (Insert Deity/Higher Power of choice here)’s favorite team is Cleveland. Houston has their QB and WR back together making rainbows, but they will not win with that gigantic mortgage payment at RB.

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
While I have been on record as appreciating the Bills’ heart, the fact is that their heart is just big enough to beat bad teams. Five wins: Jets, Ravens, Jets, Bengals, Dolphins. We have to reevaluate occasionally, because at the time we thought the Ravens were good. I did, anyway. One thing all these teams have in common is that they are worse than Jacksonville. In most cases, a lot worse. With Pittsburgh vacating the 1a spot (which was agonizingly stupid, since after the Patriots everybody is competing for maybe fifteenth), Jacksonville celebrates their coronation as the NFL’s second-best team by beating the Bills by a surprisingly slim margin.

Van: Fear Mo-Jo Drew. Fear him. Last weekend, he damn near killed Shawne Merriman (!!) on a blitz pickup that was reminiscent of the way Walter Payton used to blow up blitzing linebackers back in the day. But Jacksonville at 1a? What about Dallas or Green Bay, either of whom would beat J-ville like a red-haired stepchild? I realize that you have a lotta man-love for the Jag-wires, especially after they exposed San Diego last weekend, but second-best?

Oakland at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Haven’t these guys already played twice this year? Three times? Mediocrity has such a familiar feel. I love heist movies, but I honestly can no longer discern between The Italian Job, Ronan and Ocean’s Twelve. Normally, you would say that the outcome of mediocrity is completely unimportant (like does Jean Reno double-cross Mark Wahlberg in this movie?), but in this case the Chefs are a game back in the AFC West. The Chefs win this game because, of course, they are at home, but also because the Raidas improbably keep finding new ways to suck. Daunte Culpepper played a decent game this past week, thereby requiring the rest of the team to step up and suck. The funny thing is that Culpepper’s performance temporarily quells the crying for JeMarcus Russell, which totally misses the point. The point is not that Russell is better than Culpepper or Josh McCown, but that this year is over and so they may as well get on with next year.

Van: Kansas City has nobody at quarterback. No one. The Chiefs have no one at running back. Nobody. If Brodie Croyle and Kolby Smith are the answer, the question has to be “Which two players got Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards fired after the 2007 season ended?” The Raiders are still held in thrall by an increasingly vague Al Davis, but at least they have a pulse at QB. And besides, they’re in the AFC West, which means that they are technically still in the playoff hunt, as ridiculous as that sounds. And yes, Stat Boy, Kansas City is also in the West, but remember: they have nobody at quarterback and running back. Nobody.

Baltimore at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
I have a new least favorite person in football: Brian Billick. After the referees took the time to get the call right last week on The Strangest Kick Anybody Has Ever Seen (interesting because it was the absolute worst good kick ever), Billick the erstwhile preening shmoe could only whine about the process. This was a marvelous opportunity to have a little class, to thank the refs for getting the call right by any means necessary even if it went against him. But he did not. And I just don’t like the guy.

Van: Nobody wins this game. I don’t care who Bill and I picked. Nobody wins this game. LT is officially in the Witness Protection Program. Norv “Al Gore” Turner took his Algore-ism to a whole new level last week, and Shawne Merriman was last seen hiding in his locker and muttering “There go that man again, mama…” As far as Baltimore goes, here’s all you really need to know: Kyle Boller is now the franchise’s alltime leader for passing yardage. On the one hand, it is kind of a nice thing when your alltime leader is playing now, as opposed to my benighted Bears, whose alltime franchise quarterback last played when the earth was cooling, but really…Kyle Friggin’ Boller? Someone must hang for this affront to decency everywhere…

Philadelphia at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Last week’s Schoedinger’s cat moment – we fire up the television Sunday night just as the Bills are kicking off for the second half. We get all the pre-kickoff milling around and everything, but there is no score posted. So the score might be anything. Anything! Imagine the possibilities! The Bills might be close, they might be winning, they might be winning by a lot, they might…oh. 35-7. Again. But, for a moment there…ah, well. This week, things can only get worse for everybody who is not the Patriots. The Pats are favored by 22 points. 22. In an NFL game. 22 points. They will cover. But, wow. 22 points.

Van: I’m actually surprised that the wiseguys put this game on the board, even with a ridiculous-looking number that could creep north of 30 before all is said and done. Seriously, who takes Philly to cover this? We’re looking at a 3 touchdown point spread, and the Illadelph might be down by three touchdowns by halftime. I was reading Peter King the other day, and he pointed out that Brett Favre’s best season for TD passes was 39; Tom Brady is sitting at 38, in something like 200 fewer attempts. This is the kind of dominance that you only see in a video game with the cheat codes put in.

Miami at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh’s loss last week to the Jets was unforgivable, an unmasking (El Zorro is only the effete Don Diego?), perhaps a complete undressing. But it happened on the road. The Steelers have three losses, all bad, and all on the road. They are not playing particularly well. The Dolphins, on the other hand, are playing their best ball of the season, having successively stood up to the Giants, Bills and Eagles for minutes at a time before giving up their lunch money like always. The opposite trajectories of the teams, unfortunately, do not bring them into the same galaxy. Pittsburgh gets well and the Dolphins sweat their oh-fer another week.

Van: The Dolphins picked the wrong week to go to Pittsburgh. All-Loincloth head coach Mike Timlin will have the Steelers breathing fire after last week’s embarrassment, particularly in the execution department. Word around the campfire is that the Steelers thought that they could just show up and win against the Jets, and they got stung for it. They will not make the mistake of overlooking Miami this weekend.

Week 11 Prognostications - The Gloves Come Off

2007-11-17T04:03:00.000-08:00

Difficult slate of games last week, and some puzzling results. This year, the NFL gets to have its cake and eat it, too – they get both a clearly dominant team and mind-boggling parity. After Week 10, the Dolphins and Jets are out of playoff contention. That’s it. The Rams, 49ers and Raiders are right behind them, holding on by the tips of their embarrassing divisions, but virtually everybody else needs at least a couple of weeks to be eliminated.

Van: Bill’s almost right; everyone in the NFC West will be in contention until the final gun of the final game of the regular season, and then it’ll take a quantum physicist using a tie-breaker formula more complicated than the tax code to figure out who the winner is…
Van has a couple of weeks left, too.

Van: Bill has a better chance of catching a pass from JaMarcus Russell this Sunday than he has of catching me this season. See for yourself.

As Patton said, there is only attack and attack and attack some more.

Van: As Mitch Hedberg said, “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Now that we’re done quoting useless quotes that won’t gain you anything in the overall standings, shut up and take your beating like a man.

Here I come.

Cleveland at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Once upon an autumn Sunday, while I wondered what the hell Brian Billick was doing, suddenly his head appeared. “He’s probably announcing that Kyle Boller’s starting,” I muttered, slapping myself upside the head, “don’t they have another option?” My meter is a little off, but tell me you were not thinking the same thing. By the way, their third quarterback is Buckeye Smurf himself, Troy Smith. Although both teams are coming off of losses, there really are different degrees of losses. Cleveland went into Pittsburgh and very nearly beat them. Pittsburgh is really good, particularly at home. Baltimore had Cincinnati at home and never competed at all. Cincinnati is really bad, particularly on the road. This one’s easy – I pick the team I predicted would go 4-12 to go on the road and demolish my pre-season Super Bowl winner. Hmmm.

Van: Here’s your drinking game for this Sunday: drink every time someone mentions anything about Derek Anderson being a Raven before he was a Brown. If Anderson does something positive and someone says something about how he could have been a Raven, drink once. If either Baltimore QB does something negative and Anderson gets referenced at all, drink twice. You will be blissfully drunk by halftime.

Arizona at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Van’s Pick: Arizona
The Bengals must be confounding to people who employ secondary and tertiary methods of picking NFL games. A tiger can take 95% of the league’s mascots, and Cincinnati’s uniforms are sweet. Unfortunately, by all primary methods (usually some variety of “can this team play football?”), Cincinnati is horrible. Chris Henry is back, which will help them a lot if he can step straight into the strong-side linebacker spot and produce, but if they intend to play him at receiver, it seems that T.J. Houshmanzadeh has already adeptly filled Henry’s goal line receiver role. I am not crazy about Arizona, but I like their heart. Lotta heart trumps gutless almost every time.

Van: The only way Chris Henry can help this squad is with his employee’s discount at Dope Dealers R Us. If I’m the next Bungles head coach, I keep Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer. The other 51 idiots can hit the bricks. Arizona, because they are in the limbo that is the NFC West, continues to believe that they have something to play for. No, really, they do. Really. I won’t tell if you won’t…

New Orleans at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: New Orleans
Why is New Orleans always going to Houston? How come Houston never gets to go to New Orleans? Houston has been a presentable team without a single decent skill position player, but now they get Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson back and Ahman Green has had a couple of weeks to rest his 95 year-old knees. On the other side of the ball, New Orleans might do anything, and I mean really anything. Sybil thinks New Orleans is a little unpredictable. Some misguided people are going to hype this game as the matchup of the top two picks in the 2006 draft, but that’s a subplot with no meat. They have neither been busts, nor would a rational person spend a top-two pick on either one with the benefit of hindsight. New Orleans certainly could win this game, but I have to go with the team that we know will actually show up for the game.

Van: Both Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson have been recently broken. That tells me that they will both be at less than themselves in their first full game back. Meanwhile, New Orleans comes in with something of a chance at making the playoffs. (Thanks, Coach Mora.) And again, I won’t believe that Ahman Green is actually playing until I see him carted off the field with some other undiagnosed ailment.

Kansas City at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
If you listen to the experts slobber all over Bob Sanders, you might come to the conclusion that he is better than Dwight Freeney. He is not. Freeney is better than Sanders right now and he cannot even walk. This is a bigger injury than Joseph Addai was or than Marvin Harrison is. Indianapolis is a team whose best case scenario is a late January tilt in Foxboro, and now they will have to do it without their second-most vital player. I heard somebody on the radio comment that Indianapolis might have a great defensive end stashed somewhere on their roster that we are about to find out about. Given what an incredibly stupid thing this is to say, I assume it was Sean Salisbury. See, defensive linemen do not play every down. Guys like Freeney and running mate Robert Mathis rarely play more than two-thirds to three-quarters of the defensive snaps, meaning that if there was another stud there on the roster, he would play a little mote than half the game already and we would know about him. Besides, they signed Simeon Rice, who just got cut from the Broncos 28th-ranked defense. Now that I have all of that off my chest, Tony Dungy could suit up at defensive and annihilate Brodie Croyle, Priest Holmes and the rest of the Chefs.

Van: Brodie Croyle…The Relic Formerly Known As Priest Holmes…Tony Gonzalez could sue the Chiefs in divorce court for lack of support and win. The problem is that he’d likely win the Chiefs. Damn. And what would you like to bet that we won’t see two more acts of God like last weekend, like Peyton throwing six picks AND Adam Vinatieri missing a gamer from extra point distance? KC picked the wrong week for a road trip.

San Diego at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: San Diego
It is really easy to overrate San Diego after they beat an excellent Indianapolis team, but unless they plan to take monsoon season with them everywhere they go, they are still a team with a bad quarterback, a perpetually befuddled defense, an idiot coach, and the reigning NFL MVP who is inexplicably not permitted to defend his title. David Garrard is back for the Jags, who were not half-bad with Quinn Gray (who is way more than half-bad) at the helm. The nice thing here is that Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner and Jack Del Rio will have quorum to decide the future direction of HCWHNIWTBOPI.

Van: San Diego wins this game for one simple reason: they mutiny. According to published reports, Norv “Al Gore” Turner went into the locker room after last week’s narrow escape from the jaws of death and announced that their season had turned the corner…to the sound of rolling eyeballs throughout the locker room. These guys are sick of the pockmarked lout and are ready to take matters into their own hands. They will win because the veterans will surround Philip Rivers and tell him to run LT on every play from scrimmage, no matter what the guy in the headphones says. The first time Norv “Al Gore” Turner says “Hey! I didn’t call that play,” he gets speared by Quentin Jammer.

Pittsburgh at New York Jets
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
There are martial disciplines out there, forms of kung fu practiced by strange little expatriates living in yurts in Asian countries, that traffic in the idea that a little person can kick a big person’s ass. You know what? It’s really not that easy. The Jets can run the Princeton offense or engage in guerrilla warfare or use the Steelers’ weight against them, but they will still get crushed.

Van: Last weekend Pittsburgh almost got surprised at home by Cleveland. This weekend, the surprise will be if anyone in green is standing in front of them after the playing of the National Anthem. Like KC going into the lion’s den in Indy, the Jets might have picked the wroooong week to play Pittsburgh. It sez so right here that the Steelers make this a Patriot-like statement game. (And for the record, while I live in one of those little Asian countries, I’ve had opportunity to see actual street fights. NOT ONE of them breaks down into spinning back kicks and praying mantis kung fu. These are a people that are trained in martial arts from the moment they can walk, and when they get drunk they brawl just like Red Wings fans after losing to the Avalanche, all flailing arms and heads held back. Pathetic.)

New England at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
What I need here is a concept. I obviously have nothing to say about this game – with J.P. Losman playing and Marshawn Lynch not, Buffalo’s cut of the gate drops to like 30%. I was going to discuss what it would take for Buffalo to win, but a lot of people are sensitive about plane crash jokes, so that’s out. Usually my go-to schtick here is either a Shakespeare allusion or a Republican joke, but I am having a hard time making any relevant to the situation. The Who could not fit a concept to this mess. I wish my mother-in-law was here.

Van: Even with all hands on deck, Buffalo had Bambi’s chance against Godzilla. And then Don Shula opened his hundred-year-old flytrap about asterisks…just in time for the second half of the season. I would not be surprised at all if New England scored 100 in this game.

Tennessee at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Umm…Denver?
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Why would you ask me this question? How the hell would I know? The Mastermind just cut another defensive tackle (Antwon Burton), bringing the team to a negative three guys at that position, which is necessary because they have to pay fourteen receivers just to get three to dress for each game. In each of the last three games, Brandon Marshall has writhed on the ground as though shot, apparently just to see all the color drain from Mike Shanahan’s face (insert funny comment here). This is something Michael Jordan used to do…and I just can’t seem to stretch the comparison any farther. Jay Cutler will eventually be good and Kellen Clemens will not, but otherwise the Donkeys are just the Jets. That does leave the question dangling out there – how does Denver win games? I have watched every play of every game and I do not know. No idea. I do not know who the Broncos are, I do not know what they do or why, much less could I adequately predict their future. At least I’m not a Bears fan. Meanwhile, in Nashville, I will say it since nobody else will – the Titans would be a better team right now with Kerry Collins under center (and I am not a Kerry Collins fan). With a bad wheel, Vince Young is a dropback passer, and not quite as good at it as I am.

Van: At least you’re not a Bears fan, eh? This from a guy whose head coach is giving lie detector tests to dope smoking profligates and brawling thugs as though that proves anything? This from a guy whose team rolled over and died…at home…to Norv “Al Gore” Turner 41-3? Whose team rolled over and died on the road…against the LIONS? Let’s not forget that the Donkeys hadn’t even bothered to score for the better part of 57 minutes against a team that will probably finish the season below .500. And, uh, let me reintroduce you to Mr. Contract Year his own self, Albert Haynesworth. He’s likely to do a riverdance on Jay Cutler before this one is over.

Quick Slants - Week 10

2007-11-13T07:23:00.000-08:00

This just in - Peyton Manning has thrown another interception.

Brian Billick was unable to enter his house after losing to Cincinnati this past Sunday. It seems that some practical joker had painted end zones in front of every door and window of his house.

Seriously, how bad are the Ravens?

With two minutes to go..IN THE GAME...they were down 21 to the THIRTY-WORST, er, 31st defense in all of football.

Please, someone, anyone, tell me again why Brian Billick is regarded as an offensive guru.

Speaking of offending, er, offensive gurus, Peyton Manning threw SIX, count 'em, SIX INTERCEPTIONS...and it took an act of God (a/k/a Adam Vinatieri missing a game-winning field goal from damn near extra point range) for San Diego to escape with a victory.

So, you're Norv The Idiot Turner. You have arguably the Greatest Running Back In History on your roster. You certainly have the Greatest Tight End in History on your roster. Marty-By God-Schottenheimer, noted Anti-Disciple of Sid Luckman, had this team scoring in bushels last season. You have the Colts in your house. Peyton-By God-Manning GIVES you the football SIX TIMES.

And you scored how many on purpose?

'Scuse me? I didn't catch that. How's that again?

ONE offensive touchdown?

Maybe God ain't a Bears fan, but if Rex Grossman throws a Pick Six, Da Bears take a beat down on the sunny side of 50 points.

That's like walking into ZZ Top's little house outside of LaGrange with a paycheck and a 2-for-1 coupon and walking out with a handshake. Period.

For ineptitude that borders upon the historic, I shall no longer call Norv Turner "The Idiot."

I shall, henceforth, refer to him as Norv "Al Gore" Turner.

Name a bigger loser who should have been a bigger winner with what he was left with, and I'll change his name immediately. But until then, shut the hell up. Bill Clinton left Al Gore with low employment, low gas prices, and moderately friendly allies. Marty Schottenheimer left Norv Turner a quarterback on the rise, a defense that liked to hurt people, and Arguably The Greatest Running Back In History.

Now? If it weren't for term limits, we'd likely be at war with half the world.

And if it weren't for a shanked field goal from a guy that you bet the kid's heart transplant on, the Chargers lose a game that God gift-wrapped for them.

In other news, yes, faithful reader (all two of you, bless you), the Chicago Bears beat the lowly Oakland Raiders. And yes, faithful reader, Rex His Own Self Grossman came off the bench in the place of an injured Brian Griese to lead the Blue-and-Orange to victory.

Paraphrasing Jay Mariotti, this is like a booty call from your ex at 3 a.m.

In other words, DON'T DO IT.

For anyone keeping track, and there are a LOT of people who are, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman came into the league at the same time.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't Tony Romo.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't gonna be Tony Romo any time soon, neither.

So, for all of that "quarterback controversy" brewing in Chicago, sit down and have a triple-skinny Brazilian. We already know what happens when Grossman drives. We already know what happens when Orton drives.

As soon as the Hall-Of-Famer's kid is healthy, we're gonna let him drive just because it'll be different.

Maybe it's just me, but I believe the following:

I believe that Cleveland would win the NFC outright.

I believe that nobody will win the NFC West.

I believe that no team from the AFC West should make the playoffs, regardless of record.

I believe that everybody in the AFC South should go to the playoffs, period, division winners and wild cards be damned. That is the Pool of Death in the NFL, and the eventual winner of that mosh pit will be far too scarred to advance deeply into the playoffs under the current format.

I believe that the Lions will finish 6-10. (My goodness, how do you "pile up" NEGATIVE 18 YARDS against the league's 21st-ranked defense in Arizona?) Think I'm being overly negative? They finish up like this: Giants, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Chargers, Chiefs, Packers.

I believe that Mike Shanahan should be fired, even though the Broncos beat a somnambulent Chiefs team last weekend.

And I believe that The Chin, Bill Cowher, is the man to replace him. (Do I get a point now, Marin? I think so.)

I believe that The Chin is exactly the coach for young Jay Cutler. Unlike Leatherface, who inherited a Hall-of-Famer, The Chin took a guy out of nowhere (Miami of Ohio? Seriously?) and made him a Super Bowl winner.

I believe that The Chin knows how to coach up a defense.

I believe that Champ Baily might name his next child "Cowher" upon The Chin's hiring.

I believe that I'll have whatever Brett Favre's having...and you can make it a double. If steroids do that for an old man, sign me up right friggin' now.

I believe that Pittsburgh just overtook Indianapolis for 1a to the Patriots' 1.

I believe that Cleveland would be 19 games up on anyone in the AFC West right now.

I believe that whoever wins the NFC South should be ashamed of themselves.

I believe that Lovie Smith should get an extension if this season's Bears finish 8-8.

I believe that I would pay green, folding cash to watch Darren Sproles, Leon Washington, Joshua Cribbs, and Devin Hester run the 100 meters through a mine field.

I believe that none of them would get as much as a scratch.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Buffalo as long as Man-Child Marshawn Lynch is carrying the mail...and I believe that Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt believes the same thing.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Chicago because Charmin Tissue Benson is the running back...which equals 9 men in the box, all of whom are completely indifferent to his presence.

I believe that I would love to spend an hour as Tony Romo...as long as that hour is on a Friday night.

I believe that Brady Quinn will assassinate agent Tom Condon if the Browns make the playoffs behind Derek Anderson.

I believe that the Patriots got another 'W' on their bye week when Don Shula ran his rickety-rackety mouth off about asterisks. Lest we forget, the author of the only perfect season in NFL history had a similar penalty levied against him in 1970 when he was building that juggernaut in southern Florida...seems he was tampering with players that belonged to other teams, and he lost a first round pick as a result.

Didn't hurt that '72 squad much, did it?

I'm thinking that next year's first round pick won't hurt this season's eventual Super Bowl winner...but maybe it's just me.

Especially since Scott Pioli practically stole San Francisco's first round pick...see, this is how good the Pats really are. They get busted for videotaping signals because they're inept, not because they're original. They lose a first round pick that they likely would have traded anyway because current first rounders in the top ten are getting like $30 Million Guaranteed before they play a down of real football. They still have San Francisco's first round pick...and the Niners look for all the world like a team picking in the top 5.

And remember, death is not an option: The Patriots trading out of that slot for a lot of picks later, or the Patriots turning a late round pick into an All-Pro, or the Patriots taking a ridiculously-talented malcontent and turning him into a model citizen for a Super Bowl run?

I believe that there are a lot of NFL head coaching jobs up for grabs right now.

I believe that the two most attractive are: St. Louis and Cincinnati.

Both teams have their quarterback in place.

Romeo Crennel got lucky and he knows it. Had he waited to develop Brady Quinn (see: Mike Nolan in San Francisco), he'd be coaching at San Jacinto JC next season.

Marc Bulger was hurt and everyone knows it. The problem for Scott Linehan is that he couldn't hold things together long enough until Bulger got healthy...thus Linehan's head is on the chopping block.

As far as Marvin Lewis goes, I have four words: Lack Of Institutional Control. The inmates ran the asylum in Cincy, and everyone knew it. The Bengals officially 'jumped the shark' when Chad Johnson showed up in a game uniform that had "Ocho Cinco" instead of his name on the back.

That might sell a lot of jerseys on the concourse, but it sets a baaaad precedent for a coach trying to get 52 guys on the same sheet of music.

Whoever gets Carson Palmer will get the most underrated quarterback of his or any generation. If Palmer was in New England, he'd have at least as many rings as Tom Brady right now, and I double-dog dare anyone to prove me otherwise. The next coach of the Bengals is going to look like a combination of Paul Brown and Forrest Gregg.

Finally, I believe and fervently hope that this is as dinged as we will ever see for Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. This guy is Barry Sanders-exciting, and that's saying something.

...and I'm OUT like Dwight Freeney...

Week 10 Prognostications - Nearer, My God, To Thee

2007-11-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

Van: This week, Bill's picks come with a little religious flavor...not that he has a prayer of catching me...heh heh heh. Check mine out here to see how badly the gap is widening.

I watched most of Super Bowl 41.5 on a 19-inch television across an airport bar. It didn’t look that good.

Van: It looked as convincing as the beating you’re about to take from me this week, bunky.

When I returned home, it was to a house full of in-laws. In an effort to interact with my wife’s family (which comes at something of a premium in every conceivable way), I took my father-in-law to the gym and I asked my mother-in-law her perspective on the upcoming NFL week. Her take my surprise you, but only because you do not know her.

May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May all who say to me, “heh heh heh” turn back because of their shame.

Van: I have a little saying that I’ve memorized for whenever I’m about to kick Bill’s butt again: Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”

It’s on.

Denver at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Kansas City
BMIL has a friend in Kansas City who prays a lot. Lou. She doubts Lou prays for the Chiefs, exactly, but he recently moved there and so the general positivity in the city is greatly improved. I cannot imagine the Chefs need Lou. In fact, the Chefs could probably win this game without a single Top 10 deity in their corner. Jay Cutler, Yahweh and Shiva get scrubbed by Larry Johnson, Kokopelli and Kamapua’a. The Broncos are fielding an increasingly talentless team that is completely transparent in only minutes of film study. Last week’s loss to the Lions is likely the NFL’s worst this year, and yet the Broncos have to continue to play for two more months. I am running out of Patron. Perhaps if I say “Patron” a few more times, they will sponsor me and I will have enough tequila to make it to 5-11.

Van: What…Blind Io and Offler weren’t available for mention? By the way, FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN. Now word around the campfire is that his hand-picked GM is about to get thrown under the bus, when we all know that his hand-picked GM genuflects and kisses Shanny’s Super Bowl ring before speaking. I mean, blaming Ted Sundquist for the players on this roster is like blaming Jack Dawson for the sinking of the Titanic. Like Dawson, Sundquist wasn’t driving this particular shipwreck, and, like Dawson, Sundquist is about to find out that there ain’t enough lifeboats to go around.

Buffalo at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Buffalo
According to BMIL, there is a heartiness about Buffalo that will allow them to win this game. Although virtually none of the players are from Buffalo, the fans will “throw optimism out to the team.” The distance between Buffalo and Miami is not an impediment to flying optimism, thank you for asking. Van can sing the praises of Marshawn Lynch (altogether now, second verse, same as the first), but the guy opposing defenses suddenly have to gameplan is Lee Evans, the same guy who had 5 catches for 29 yards over the first three games. If a guy wearing nothing but blue and red paint in zero degree weather can throw optimism 1395 miles, then J. P. Losman should be able to throw a little oblong ball 90 feet to Evans against an understandably demoralized Dolphins defense.

Van: Plenty of seats still left on the Marshawn Lynch bandwagon. And as happy as I am for the big rookie, it is particularly galling to me that my beloved Bears stink like Louis XIV’s Palais de Versailles (no indoor plumbing backin the day...quite fragrant when the sun was high), while former Bears head coach Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt has pulled his head from his nether regions and has Buffalo going in the right direction. It doesn’t hurt that they are playing the Dolphins, a team with nothing to recommend them beyond a favorable climate.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Pittsburgh
BMIL says that Pittsburgh is up-and-coming. There is “reemergence power” in Pittsburgh. Her husband seems to believe that she is talking about economic revitalization, but I think that she is talking about a spiritual reemergence. I do not know what a spiritual reemergence is, but I suppose that is what they are doing in Cleveland. The Browns probably have not played for first place this late in the season since the Reagan administration (I’m going to throw that out there and let stat boy confirm or deny – I don’t actually care). They will have to wait until at least next season to do it again. Pittsburgh is a monster at home.

Van: Actually, the Browns haven’t played for first place this late in the season since the Truman administration, but they will get smacked firmly in the mouth by the bullies in Pittsburgh. By the way, “spiritual reemergence” is something that happens to Al Gore every couple of years and washed-up child stars leaving rehab…

Jacksonville at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tennessee
This game elicited a fairly passionate response from BMIL. Apparently, on 7/7/07, 70,000 children of the lord descended upon Titan Stadium for the purpose of praying, a great whopping gathering called “The Call.” As there were so many angels present at the time, which BMIL accepts on faith as she cannot see them (although some of her friends can), she supposes that some angels might still be hanging around. Even before “The Call,” BMIL was well-disposed toward Nashville because of its prodigious production of marvelous God music. In case you have the chance to see them, they also have a band called Autovaughn, who are merely good on record but brilliant live. They do not sing about God, so I did not mention them to BMIL. David Garrard is a gametime decision, which will show us once and for all how God feels about Jacksonville. I’m taking the Jags supposing Garrard plays and because I find myself agreeing far too much with BMIL.

Van: The plays you will see run in this game were drawn in elk blood on a cavern wall by Amos Alonzo Stagg while the earth cooled…there may be no other game in history that will do as much to set offensive football back to the Pleistocene era as this game will. On the one hand, the Titans will likely run the wishbone with Vince Young and LenWhale White. On the other, the Jags might as well run the single-wing because nothing else they’ve tried is working. It sez so right here that the over/under for total quarterback passing yardage for the game is 250…considering that both teams have recently WON games where their QBs threw for 100 each, you might want to take the under. And, since defensive line berserker Marcus Stroud is serving a 4-game suspension for messing with the Flintstone Chewables, I like Tennessee to run up the gut all day long.

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Baltimore
History. BMIL likes the Ravens because of history. When pressed, she supposes that things happened during the Civil War, and that the people of Baltimore consequently still carry a “warrior mode” with them. Like Buffalo’s optimism, it is freely communicable fan to player. Just when it looks like things cannot get any worse for the Ravens (who are still reeling from the Civil War), the Bengals come to town and, sure enough, things do not get any worse. The Bengals suck. I have completely run out of funny things to say about their defense. I think that their defense should stop trying to be funny – they’re like Dane Cook. They’re just annoying now. At the same time, the offense is single-handedly losing Marvin Lewis’ job. Given the injuries on defense and the necessity to sign guys off the street to start the next week, at least the defense has an excuse. The offense has succumbed to a sort of environmental malaise, which is ultimately the fault of the soon-to-be-former-head coach.

Van: Carson Palmer is Archie Manning, a great quarterback surrounded by flotsam and jetsam on his sideline. Brian Billick is self-deluded, thinking he’s some offensive genius when he took over the play-calling from Jim Fassel last season. Sure, the team did better…because he took over for Jim-Friggin-Fassel. I could bust out the plays from my old 3M Football, pull them blindfolded, and call a better game than Jim-Friggin-Fassel. The problem is that Billick’s still calling the same plays for a team unable to run them anymore. Baltimore wins, but not because of anything that they do well.

Chicago at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tie
Both of these cities have revival history (I am told). After much agonizing, BMIL admitted that she was torn because she was born in Oakland and her father was born in Chicago. The two are matched in “ghetto and revival” and so will tie. I am thinking the Raiders are a little more ghetto than the Bears. After showing signs of life, the Raiders are on an alarming downward trend, capped last week by Sage Rosenfels badly outplaying Josh McCown (ow, stop it, ow, stop it, ow, stop it). The best evidence that the Raiders will lose, though, is Lane Kiffin’s big swingin’ declaration that he will be kicking to Devin Hester, another irrefutable proof that brains are inversely proportional to balls.

Van: I want to pick my boys. I really do. But when I see that the warranty has expired on Brian Griese, when I see that Cedric Benson is unlikely to top 1000 yards in a 16 game season (he’s not even averaging 60 yards per game), when I see that 9-time Pro Bowl guard Ruben Brown is out for the season, I see an offense that is going to get pillaged by a very underrated Oakland defensive line. Sure, you say Josh McCown, I say Cade McNown, but the Raiders have a better running game, Daunte Culpepper is available, and, well, my Bears suck worse than the black hole at the heart of the Crab Nebula.

Indianapolis at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: San Diego
BMIL likes San Diego because they have been suffering and this is their chance to recover. She is not even talking about the nearly three bills Adrian Peterson laid on that defense last week (Dear Chicago Bears – It has come to our attention that you have been missing Ron Rivera. For a mere $19.99 plus shipping and handling, you can have him back. But wait! Act now and we will send you a bonus head coach! That’s right! For only $19.99 we will send you both the defensive coordinator of your former glory and a bona fide National Football League head coach, complete with pictures of himself holding aloft the Lombardi Trophy! Use him as a ticket-taker, nacho vendor, or paperweight! Don’t delay, order today!). In the much-anticipated showdown of Boo Boo the Fool and Norv the *&%$ing Idiot Turner, Boo Boo won because he gave his stud the ball. See? Was it really that hard? Joe Addai ran roughshod over the Patriots, so he has to be giggling through film sessions all week. The Chargers’ suffering has not yet begun. Is it possible that 7-9 wins the AFC West?

Van: Funny you mention 7-9, because that will probably be the Seahawks’ record when they win the NFC West. Indianapolis gets Marvin Harrison back this week; that ain’t good for the Chargers, because the Colts damn near beat the Patriots without Harrison last weekend. Having Harrison back only further accentuates the graphic differences between these two teams. The Chargers traded for Chris Chambers and called that an upgrade…yeeesh. That’s only because Vincent Jackson and Samie (learn to spell it, bonehead) Parker couldn’t catch fire if you soaked them in napalm and threw them a lit match. If there’s any “good’ news concerning Norv The Idiot Turner’s refusal to use LaDainian Tomlinson, it’s that he’s saving LT’s legs for the next head coach. There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking a coach why Boo Boo The Fool kept giving Adrian Peterson the rock; apparently, he was concerned that the kid might get tired after running up and down the field all day.

Quick Slants - Week 9

2007-11-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

This just in – Adrian Peterson has scored again for Minnesota…

So, really: how stupid is Norv The Idiot Turner?

Was he not watching Boo Boo The Fool Childress learn from past mistakes?

Did he not see Adrian Peterson (excuse me, he just ran past me as I was writing this) rush for an NFL RECORD?

Does he not have LAST SEASON’S CONSENSUS MVP on his sideline? You may have heard of him…some kid named Tomlinson?

And, since I’m asking rhetorical questions, is it just me or did Philip Rivers regress significantly this season? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the change in coaches, would it?

The scary thing is this: have the Chargers overachieved with Norv The Idiot Turner thus far into the season?

Okay, enough with the rhetorical questions…time for the rhetoric.

This just in – Jamal Lewis just scored again for Cleveland…

Talk about your team of Almost Destiny.

If it weren’t for the supernova exploding in Indianapolis, we might think that the Cleveland Browns are the story of the year.

There were lots of culprits leaving fingerprints at Browns Stadium yesterday, which is making my friend The Dawgpound one of the delirious faithful in central Ohio. There was Jamal Lewis, bulling his way into the end zone four times. There was Kellen Winslow Jr., living up to the family name and family business instead of crumbling beneath it (oops…would someone get Brian Griese some ice?). There was Derek Anderson, every gutsy call, every accurate throw, every ounce of leadership making the Browns’ braintrust look stupid and stupider for not having given this guy a chance years ago.

And yes, there was Brady Quinn, silently gnawing his liver beneath the bench during the pandemonium of the Browns’ comeback.

This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.

Really.

NOW.

All you need to know about the utter bondage house beating that the Broncos took was video of Shaun Rogers, all 350 pounds of him, taking an interception 66 yards (!!) for a touchdown, and he looked like he was carrying a piano for 65 of those yards.

It’s not bad enough that the Broncos were down 44-0 with three minutes to play. It’s not bad enough that the Lions looked like the tougher, better prepared team all day. But when no one on your offense can outrun the fattest kid on the field, that speaks to lack of heart, not lack of ability.

The simple fact is that the Broncos quit. That goes straight to the head coach.

This team has regressed so significantly, one wonders if they won’t slide through the rest of their schedule with maybe one more win for the season. Maybe.

Shanahan has got to go, now.

Candidates for Best Team Not Named Patriots Or Colts: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Baltimore Ravens came into Monday night’s game talking tough. The Steelers, led by Bill Bryan’s All-Loincloth head coach Mike Tomlin, showed them what tough really is.

Let’s sum it up this way: Hines Ward destroyed Ed Reed. Destroyed him. It looked like an Adam Sandler clip from “The Waterboy.”

Now, this is not to take anything away from Ward, perennially one of the toughest receivers in the league. But Ed Reed? Ward didn’t just blow up the third-stringer; he blew up an All-Pro who usually does the blowing up.

I don’t know if the Steelers have moved into 1a territory with the Colts, but it pretty much assures them of being all by themselves at Number 2.

Whenever I look at Buffalo’s Marshawn Lynch, I hear Muddy Waters singing “Mannish Boy.”

Watching the Eagles is just too painful for me, because I can’t look at them without simultaneously thinking about Andy Reid’s domestic problems…and wondering why he’s still wearing a headset when he should be at home raising his kids properly.

The fact that his distractions are taking the Eagles down the tubes with him is secondary to the fact that he’s 0-fer-2 with his first two kids…and that he doesn’t seem overly concerned that there are 3 others likely to follow as long as he’s more concerned with perfecting “65-Toss-Power-Trap.”

Last season, Vince Young looked so much better than Reggie Bush, there was a suggestion that the Titans got the steal of the draft. For the early part of this season, Bush looked like a bust.

For the last four games, Reggie Bush has looked better than any time in his running back life. See, it’s one thing to do it in high school. It’s another thing to do it for USC in the PAC-10 (which usually has four or five weak sisters in the conference). It’s entirely another thing to do it in the NFL, and I have to admit that he’s doing it to death (thanks, James Brown).

And whoever woke Drew Brees and Marques Colston up should get a raise, because that person just saved the Saints’ season.

New Orleans was dead. Autopsied. Buried. When they lost Deuce McAllister, I had written them off for the rest of the year.

But the resiliency they have shown has finally made me a believer. The way they’ve been beating the stink off their opponents in this four game run has convinced me that they are back to being who they were last season.

Now, if only whatever they are drinking could be shipped to Chicago…(sigh)

For the love of all that is good and right in this world, will someone PLEASE get David Carr out of the NFL before he has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life?

Seriously, one more sack and you can put this guy right next to the cantaloupes in the fresh produce section.

And speaking of sorry quarterbacking, you just gotta love this one. So, Boo Boo The Fool Childress scorns Jeff Georges’ overtures, saying basically that the guy’s career was over. A couple of days later, he brings in Chris Weinke Dinky Dog for a workout…apparently, Sammy Baugh wasn’t available because he’s, ya know, dead. THEN, Boo Boo The Fool signs…

…wait for it…

…Koy Detmer.

This should tell you why Adrian Peterson, the league’s leading rusher and holder of the single-game rushing record, is still listed number 2 on the depth chart.

Best NFC Team Not Named Cowboys or Giants: The Green Bay Packers.

Once again, Brett Favre struck like lightning in the fourth quarter and stunned an opponent on the road. Once again, the Packers come away with a tough, well-earned road victory. They are as real as real gets, and they might be able to beat either Dallas or New York.

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: The Thanksgiving Day tilt between Detroit and Green Bay will actually be meaningful. Very meaningful. Really, who saw that one coming?

Okay, okay, I was getting to It…

You know…The Greatest Game Ever.

There is no truth to the rumor that DNA testing has confirmed that Tom Brady is Joe Montana’s clone…but video evidence at hand is pretty convincing.

Down 10 in the fourth quarter in an artificially-loud stadium (more on that in a minute), Tom Terrific authored two drives for the ages against their only real competition this season.

Never mind all that happened before those two drives, including Tony Dungy’s head-scratching decision to go away from Joseph Addai (I mean, Addai was killing New England single-handedly in the first half), because the fact is that Indianapolis was still winning the game comfortably before Tom Brady and his teammates reasserted themselves.

And speaking of reasserting himself, how about Mr. Maligned, Randy Moss? Anyone questioning his toughness should be forced to watch video of Moss fearlessly going over the middle of the Colts defense to make a one-handed catch as pretty as anything Willie Mays ever hauled in.

But, uh, wasn’t that a loud game? Too loud, perhaps?

As noted by the good people at ProFootballTalk.com, and as heard by my own two ears, the crowd noise at the game…uh…skipped.

The evidence is out there. PFT even has the audio of the clip on their site, and you can hear it as clearly as I can. The crowd noise skipped, then suddenly cut off.

Perhaps the most telling thing to me is the speed with which CBS Sports rushed to take the blame, saying that it was an internal thing and nothing that the Colts were doing to disrupt the Patriots while on offense.

Uh...yeah.

There are two major problems with this. One is that I don’t need the network adding crowd noise to the feed to increase the drama. Games supply their own drama, or they don’t. When Green Bay and Kansas City were mud-wrestling in the fourth quarter, no additional drama was necessary. When Pittsburgh was bludgeoning Baltimore, no amount of additional crowd noise was going to make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear. When I want drama, I’ll watch CSI. Leave my football alone.

The other major problem is that, despite CBS’ rush to take the blame, two credible sources (Dennis Green’s son and a security guard at the game in Indy) have stepped up and said what we all suspect: that home teams pump up the crowd noise artificially to distract the visitors.

I’m sorry, but that’s cheating. It’s just as bad as videotaping defensive signals during the game, or defensive lineman yelling “Hut! Hut!”

One last thing: who woke Don Shula up?

No, really, there’s nothing self-serving at all about his whining that the Patriots should get an asterisk on their record if they go undefeated this season.

No, really, there’s no conflict of interest at all when the coach of the only undefeated team in NFL history is already kicking dirt on the best challenge to his legacy in recent memory.

No, really, he and the rest of his grumpy old men in Florida don’t look like curmudgeonly rat-bastards whenever someone goes undefeated deep into the regular season, only to their plaintive cries of “What about us?”

We get it. You didn’t lose any games for a whole year. We’re all happy for you. Now shut the hell up and let us enjoy the Patriots this season.

And here’s hoping that the corks stay in the bottles.

Week 9 Prognostications - The Super Bowl Is Early

2007-11-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, any interesting NFL games this week?

Van and I are now the most dangerous men on Earth, the guys with nothing to lose. The Broncos and Bears are logically, if not yet mathematically, eliminated from playoff contention and we will now be selecting our new favorite teams.

Van: Uh, I hate to be all back-outish on you, but if you made an album of my life and Death Row Records recorded it, it would be called ELIF4NAFZRAEB, but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to call out Ice Cube ‘cuz he chin-checked the stuffins outta his old crew on “No Vasaline”…possibly the greatest assassination on wax ever, right after Common’s “The B*tch In You” to the aforementioned O’Shea Jackson…but I digress…you were saying something about a new fave?

Umm…I’ll take the Patriots.

Van: I like my picks better.

Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!

Cincinnati at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Three words. Jay. Pee. Losman. This NFL season has been a clinic in the importance of quarterbacks. With almost no exception, good teams have good quarterback play and bad teams have bad quarterback play. Case in point, the Buffalo Bills, who have led a double life that Chuck Barris finds astounding. With Losman under center, the Bills have been bad, but with Trent Edwards under center they have been pretty good. Almost no exception. Interestingly, Cincinnati is the exception. The Bengals are putrid, but unlike every other putrid team in the NFL, their quarterback deserves relatively little blame. As bad as the Bengals defense is, I doubt the Bills move the ball in Wednesday passing drills with Losman throwing. Funny media moment – the headline on Yahoo’s Bengals page reads “2-5 Bengals Look for Hope of Making Playoffs.” Where do you think they are looking? The bottom of the Red Sea? The top of Mt. Ararat? Lourdes? The corners of Van’s yurt?

Van: This is why my lead, like my waistline, is expanding. Jauron is going to reeeel in the game plan for J.P. Lost-man and rely heavily upon Mannish Boy Marshawn Lynch because he learned with Trent Edwards that a game manager will win with a wrecking ball at RB. Cincinnati stinks like The Dead Marshes.

Green Bay at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Listening to the national experts fall all over themselves anointing the Packers as the NFC’s best team because of their thoroughly unconvincing win over the Broncos (?!) makes me freaking ill. Before anybody canonizes Ryan Grant, they should note that he keyed a Packer running attack that performed well below average for a Bronco opponent. While the Packers’ line has done an admirable job protecting the old man this year, most NFL teams will still get to him occasionally. While I do not think the Chefs are very good, the Pack had trouble with the noise at Invesco, and old Arrowhead will be worse. The Broncos left their corners playing man but inexplicably did not chuck the receivers at the line on either of their behemoth passing plays that constituted the Packers’ scoring, and after looking at film, the Chefs will not make the same mistake.

Van: Hey, Stat Boy, Ryan Grant keyed a running attack that was going against the League’s Worst Run Defense. That’s right, the Donkeys are dead stinkin’ last at stopping the run. The Chiefs are in the middle of the pack (17) at stopping the run, so maybe Mr. Grant’s Hall bust can wait another week. However, if the Pack could handle Denver’s 6th ranked pass defense on the road, they can certainly handle KC’s 10th ranked pass defense on the road. And, uh, weren’t you making some obsequious point about quarterbacks earlier? Unless something drastic has changed and 1970’s Lenny Dawson is taking the snaps for the Chiefs, Brett Favre left-handed is better than anyone on the KC roster right now…

Washington at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I see no reason for the Jets to ever win another game. Maybe I am missing something about Kellen Clemens and maybe I am having trouble breathing out of my eyelids, but I do not see a big improvement on the three points (ahem, THREE points) that the J-E-T-S laid on the Bills last week. Meanwhile, do not read too much into Washington’s last game. As Chicago and Denver guys, respectively, Van and I know enough to look at that game and think, “There but for the grace of God…” The only team who would have had any chance at all against the Pats last week would be the AFC Pro Bowl team, and even then only because they had Brady, Moss, Welker, Vrabel, Thomas and that impenetrable offensive line.

Van: Boy, there sure were a lot of people crying about the Patriots allegedly running up the score on the ‘Skins last weekend…and most of them seem to have forgotten that The Ol’ NASCAR Owner his own self has been accused of the very same thing a few times in the past, specifically against Belichick’s Browns teams back in the day, possibly as payback for the way Belichick’s defense used to savage Washington in the ‘80s…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Redskins ran it up this weekend by just grinding the ball all day. It sez so right here that Jason Campbell attempts less than 15 passes and the ‘Skins O holds the ball for 47 minutes.

Carolina at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Like POS says, “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken.” The fact that you start an NFL game at quarterback does not make you an NFL quarterback. This means you, David Carr, and your great-uncle Vinny, too. Everybody knows about the injuries to Jake Dellhomme, Carr and Testaverde, but you may not have noticed that they lost their original third-string quarterback, one Brett Basanez (me, neither), to a season-ending injury. If this was the presidency, we would be swearing in the Secretary of Agriculture right now.

Van: Where’s “I am in control here!” Al Haig when you need him? (sigh) That said, Uncle Rico hasn’t exactly lit it up at quarterback for the Titans, but they really don’t need him to right now. Keith Bulluck leads a truly Tyrannic defense, and Jeff Fisher must have promised LenWhale White a cheeseburger for every ten yards he gains and an extra trip through the buffet line for every touchdown, because the Fat Kid is on a mission.

Seattle at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I believe I am on the record as disliking the Seahawks. Nothing has changed. Not including the Pittsburgh Steelers, who scrubbed the Seahawks in Week 5, their opponents have a combined record of 14-29. Matt Hasselbeck, who has not been playing well anyway, has an injured oblique muscle. Oblique, meaning both “not toward your receiver” and “the muscle with which you throw.” Cleveland, on the other hand, is fun to watch. Man, I can’t even believe that’s a sentence.

Van: Cleveland at home is the surest thing in football right now. All season long they have feasted on sorry teams (this means you, Seattle) at Browns Stadium. Derek Anderson continues to find Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow 2 – Electric Boogaloo at the end of his rainbows. And Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.

New England at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: Indianap…PSYCHE! OF COURSE New England
Man, this looks like a pretty good game. I wonder why nobody is talking about it. The Patriots has been flying way under the radar, and even though they are not getting any love from the networks, you should really make the effort to seek out one of their games. Bill Belichick is the best NFL coach you have never heard of and Randy Moss is quietly putting together a great statistical season. Right now New England is overshadowing global warming. If Tom Brady pulled a John Lennon and declared the Pats “bigger than Jesus,” much of the public would be offended, but in their own heads might agree. As much as I have heard about the egregious disrespect shown the defending world champion Colts, I have not heard anybody pick them. After watching the Patriots work a good Redskin team 52-7 (seriously, don’t just let that slide, it was 52-7), how could you? As an aside to this game, I would like to make a point about “running up the score.” See, the responsibility here lies with the runnee, not the runner. I am gratified that most of the experts agree that if you have a problem with somebody beating you by a lot of points, the best course of action is to man up and stop them, but the point I have not heard anybody make is that this is not college. This is not a formative experience. Nobody’s feelings are important. The Patriots did not bring in the Redskins for a guarantee game, an early season tune-up before their real schedule starts. There is no flatter playing field than the NFL. Everybody has great facilities, everybody has essentially an identical budget, nobody has an original idea for more than a couple of hours before everybody else can steal it. It is 100% the Redskins own fault that they are 45 points worse than the Patriots, and I would immediately cut anybody (Randall Godfrey, you tool) who did not understand that.

Van: Actually, regarding your “no experts” point, Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post makes your points in an excellent article, but no one listens to Wilbon because he’s a black writer who dares take black athletes to task for acting like asses in public…oh, the rivers of Hater-aid that flow whenever he calls out a Mike Vick or a Chad Johnson for being the latest members of the saggy-pants Minstrel Show in the NFL. I really, really want to believe that Indianapolis can beat New England only because of the lack of respect they’ve received nationally as an undefeated Super Bowl champion defending the title, but, I mean…52-7? Really? That score just sticks with you, kinda like accidentally seeing an older relative naked during the holidays (Aunt Sissy!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!) I used to wonder if we would ever see an undefeated team in the NFL. Now I wonder if the Patriots can continue to make a mockery of the point-spread. (More on the spread later…heh heh heh)

Houston at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Oakland
The hard-luck Texans should start playing Powerball, because nobody’s fortunes can stay this bad for very long. With a bye week looming and the return of Andre Johnson immanent, Houston needs only a solid effort against a 2007 Raider team that looks increasingly like the 2006 Raider team to stay in the playoff hunt. It should be noted that everyone who is calling for JeMarcus Russell deserves him and is not welcome to come crying to me if they get him.

Van: Say it with me: Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Rosenfels snuck up on Tennessee because there was no film on the guy and they pretty much thought they had the game won. He won’t sneak up on the Raiders. And I’ll believe that Ahman Green is “probable” when I see him carry the football in a game. Houston started off so promisingly, then Johnson got broke, Green’s warranty expired, and Matt Schaub got what everyone but his coach is calling a concussion (apparently, if it IS a concussion, you can’t go rushing the kid back into the fray because of NFL rules against playing guys diagnosed with the C word, and Coach Kubiak has only said the word “dinged” in public…think of it like this: only Congress can declare war, which explains all those “police actions” and “surgical air strikes” we had under Bill Clinton…)

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore is terrible. Pittsburgh can be a little inconsistent, but not at home. This is the biggest line in the NFL this week with the Steelers favored by 9½. The reason Vegas is so cool is because they make money. Oddsmakers are really good, so if they say this is a beating, you should at least investigate why.

Van: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Bill, you ignorant slut. The oddsmakers do not assess a line because of some alleged “strength of ass-whupping quotient,” but to even out the bets. Most mokes prefer to bet on the team that they believe will win. The House can’t afford for everyone to bet the overwhelming favorite because then the House loses money, and if the paper bags going east start getting light, there will be holes in the desert for months. Therefore, the House establishes a point spread. The favorite can’t just win; the favorite has to win by more than “x” number of points. In games where there is an overwhelming favorite, the line gets established early and high as a way to forestall people from playing favorites; if people continue to bet the favorite, the line gets pushed up to discourage them. If too many people start taking the dog, the line gets brought down. Thus, a 9-and-a-hook line on Pittsburgh does not mean that the wise guys like Pittsburgh to put a beating on Baltimore by more than 9-and-a-hook; it only means that so many people are betting on Pittsburgh that the House is covering their end by putting the spread at something ridiculous. In fact, Pittsburgh is likely to win…by exactly 9. That half-point will be worth millions this weekend. Not that I have any action on the game…just sayin…

Quick Slants - Week 8: The BIG Game, Part 3

2007-10-29T21:05:00.001-07:00

This is actually in response to a good comment, and it seemed worthy of a little attention, so bear with me.

How, exactly, in this day and age of free agency and salary caps, do the Patriots and the Colts maintain their endless annual dominance?

After all, we remember what happened to the San Francisco 49ers. The DeBartolos tried every dirty trick in the book to circumvent the cap, only to drive the franchise off the road in the process. As a result, the Niners haven't mattered since T.O. was openly questioning Jeff Garcia's sexual preferences some years ago.

It seems like there's a new "worst-to-first" story in the NFL every season; last year, it was the Saints. This season, the Browns seem to be similarly blessed. And, every year, some formerly good-to-great team suddenly becomes schedule fodder (and we'd like to say hi to the readers in Cincinnati and Chicago, both of whom have bantha poodoo for football franchises).

Still, it seems that the Colts and the Patriots continue to dominate where other teams wax and wane. Hindsight being what it is, let's see if we can figure it out, and then sell it to the other 30 teams in the league.

1. It starts with the head coach. The Colts have been relatively stable since bringing Tony Dungy on board. The Patriots have become a model franchise under Bill Belichick's leadership. Both teams seem to reflect the character of their coaches, perhaps more so than any other teams in the league right now.

1a. It helped that the coaches walked into environments that were quickly conducive to their coaching strategies. Tony Dungy inherited a team with the great Peyton Manning already on board, and it took a relatively short honeymoon for Manning to buy in. Once Manning was in, everyone else bought in. In Belichick's case, there were already a core of solid veterans like Troy Brown in place, good soldiers who just wanted to win. Tom Brady was also already in place, just waiting for Drew Bledsoe to eventually break something. This leads us to...

2. It doesn't hurt to have Hall-Of-Famers at quarterback. There may be no position in football more bedeviling than QB. Current Bears QB Brian Griese is a great example of this. The guy had exactly one lights-out season in Denver, and has stunk ever since. Don Majkowski caught lightning in a bottle for a hot minute, and then couldn't catch a cold. Quarterbacks who are merely good for a long time are a rarity; guys like Brian Sipe or Danny White or Kenny Anderson would be jillionaires in today's current climate. As stated earlier, Dungy inherited Manning and Belichick inherited/unearthed Tom Brady. Right now, Manning is the Colts' franchise leader for TD passes, surpassing some guy named Unitas, and Tom Brady already owns three Super Bowl rings while doing his best Joe Montana impressions with time running out and the game on the line. Both men are extraordinary leaders with strong and accurate arms. They are patient and will wait for a mistake; they are the Anti-Favres of their generation. They are durable; neither coach has had to find out how good the clipboard carrier really is. And they both have Lombardi hardware on their resumes.

3. Their personnel men are the best in the business. Bill Polian is the modern version of Tex Schramm/Gil Brandt all rolled into one. The man has taken two different franchises to the Super Bowl. You might remember his first one, the starcrossed Bills that went to 4 straight Super Bowls in the '90s, only to lose all four. His second franchise, the Carolina Panthers, went to the NFC title game in their second season of existence. His third, the Colts, are one of the finest teams in the NFL, with their own newly-minted title on display at team headquarers. For the Patriots, personnel man Scott Pioli forms a great tandem with head coach Bill Belichick, and that is so much more vital than we can imagine. There's a reason why so many head coaches also want to be GMs, because they know in their mind what kind of player to get for their scheme. The problem is figuring out the money end and all that paper-pusher stuff that coaches aren't cut out for. Pioli is the executive version of Belichick. He thinks like him, agrees with him, and brings enough credibility that he can respectfully dispute a player with Belichick and win.

4. Both teams have genuine depth on their depth charts. Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris are currently listed as the number 2 and 3 running backs in New England, and both could start in Chicago right now. Kenton Keith is the number 2 in Indianapolis, and he too could start in Chicago right now. When they replace a player for injury, they rightly expect the understudy to do the job that the starter was doing. This is so crucial to their overall success. It means that the coaches and GMs in question have to be able to identify genuine talent, AND then keeping that talent happy behind a similarly-skilled starter. The backups on both teams don't just stand around; they all get regular game action and are all involved in the game plan. Thus, the Colts can rely upon Anthony Gonzalez when Marvin Harrison goes down, or the Patriots can survive the loss of a Richard Seymour for half of the season.

5. Neither team has overpayed for the wrong guy. This has a lot to do with point number 4. Because of that depth, because of their ability to identify players who fit the mold, both teams can afford to buck the market and let starters go through free agency. Basically, the selling point is this: you can stay with us for less and win, or you can break the bank with a loser. Someone might want to ask Edgerrin James and Deion Branch how free agency worked out for them; sure, they both got paid, but they may never play for a winner again...and no amount of money will make getting beat every week feel good. The Colts lost a lot of guys from their championship defense last season, and the result is that they are actually better now than last season. Meanwhile, some of the guys they lost (Cato June, Nick Harper, we're talking to you) are on some baaaad teams and making Polian look like a genius for letting them walk.

6. Finally, because they can find and sign their guy for less than premium market value, they have players that they are certain will fit into their scheme of doing things. This leads to simple execution. They continue to win because they continue to do the things that lead to winning regularly. They execute.

Because of this, both teams are fun to watch.

Again, I can't wait!

Quick Slants - Week 8: The BIG Game, Part 2

2007-10-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

Now that that's out of the way...(and you can scroll down to Part 1 to see what's out of the way).

I owe Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt an apology...but only if his Bills finish what they've started this season.

If this team collapses after showing some surprising heart through the first part of the schedule, put it all on that doofus's shoulders. After all, they are the ones raising expectations and pulses all over upstate New York by winning games they shouldn't win. Just don't be surprised when they go right back to losing games they shouldn't lose.

The playoffs have started for the Chicago Bears. They already have five losses, and they are looking up at two teams in their division. The Cowboys will win the NFC East, and the Giants will get one wild card slot. The Buccaneers will likely win the South, and only God knows who will win the West, but only the division winners from those two divisions will get in. That leaves the North, and the Bears are already behind both Green Bay and Detroit. One of those two wins the division, which leaves one wild card slot. And, right now, either Green Bay or Detroit are that much better than Chicago (or anyone else in the NFC South or West, to be honest).

Therefore, the Bears will have to run the table and hope that either Green Bay or Detroit comes back to them. (Cue Quint: farewell and adieu...to you fair Spanish ladies...)

Meanwhile, if the Lions are going to get the kind of run production that they got on Sunday, they are going to be verrrrry hard to beat any time soon...wow...

I hate Philadelphia. I just hate them. One week, they look as listless as a heroin addict on the nod; the next, they show just enough real life to make someone wonder where this has been all season.

Say what you want, but inconsistency is the hallmark of a lack of concentration.

For all the talk about an undefeated team, we could have two utterly defeated teams by the end of the season.

The Dolphins are just plain bad. I ain't sayin' that Zach Thomas faked a car accident to avoid going all the way to London to take a butt-beating...but that is a loooong way to travel just to keep that goose egg pristine.

But as bad as the Dolphins are, the St. Louis Lambs are much, much worse.

They had visiting Cleveland down 14-0...and promptly got outscored 27-6 the rest of the way.

As much as Cleveland gets some credit for keeping it together, trusting each other, and coming back, what does it say about the Rams?

In fact, I'd suggest that Cleveland kept it together and didn't panic precisely because it was the Rams and not, say, the Patriots.

See, when the Patriots go up 14-0 in the first, you're likely looking at the wrong end of a 52-point day. When St. Louis goes up 14-0 in the first, you're likely looking at a team that might not score again until December.

Speaking of not scoring again...ever...I offer the New York Jets. Boy, the wheels have completely fallen off this particular bus, haven't they?

Apparently, someone must not have told the Mangenius that looking at last year's film is just as valuable as looking at film from halftime. They are surprising NO ONE. Neither of their QBs is possessed of a strong arm; if the 10-yard out is the benchmark of arm strength, both of these guys would be out indefinitely after throwing a pass for more than 10 yards.

That's how difficult it is to get into the 0-16 club. A team as abysmal as the Jets has a win. That should impress anyone as to the paucity of "talent" collected by Miami and St. Louis, two teams so bad that the best players from both rosters would still be in last place in the NFC West...

Here' a head-scratcher. Your starting QB throws for 100 yards. On purpose. Your starting tailback "rushed" for 68 yards. By yardage, your best receiver had one catch for 30 yards. By receptions, your best receiver was your backup tailback, who had two for 14 yards.

Everything about the above is true.

And the team in question won the game.

The saddest part is that the Jacksonville Jaguars came from behind to win against Tampa Bay with those kinds of numbers, as numbing as they are.

Really, how bad is the NFC when the Jaguars puke on their jerseys and still win?

It sez so right here that even the benighted Raiders would win either the NFC South or the NFC West right now.

And finally, no, I will not refrain from calling Norv The Idiot Turner an idiot, even after the Chargers roasted the Texans in fiery Qualcomm.

I checked the stat line. That guy who scored all those touchdowns last year, some Tomlinson kid? He only touched the football 18 times total last weekend.

That ain't NEARLY enough.

The fact that Houston is working through QB problems right now is no excuse for incompetence. I guarantee you, The Belicheat makes sure that Laurence Maroney touches the ball more than 20 times no matter who's playing, because Maroney is really good. He ain't LT good (who is?), but he's mail-carrying, clock-eating, yards-getting good on an undefeated team. The Chargers, on the other hand, have a LOT more to prove than the Patriots, and Norv The Idiot Turner doesn't have time to get all cute with the ball distribution if he wants to win anything beyond "Stupidest Coach, AFC" this season.

Don't let the smooth taste fool you; the Chargers are a mirage and will get blowed up real good if they play someone good (read: Indianapolis).

...and I'm out like...ah, hell, who am I kidding? BRING ON THE GAME!!!

Quick Slants - Week 8, Part 1: The BIG Game

2007-10-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way first: the Super Bowl will be played Sunday in Indianapolis.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, New England and Indianapolis have gone unscathed through the season. Given the way both teams have played, their meeting this weekend might be the only legitimate reason (barring unforeseen injury) that we won't have two teams go undefeated.

As Cris Collinsworth of HBO notes, the winner of the game will basically be two games up on the loser for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Even should the winner lose one game, the winner would own the tie-breaker by virtue of victory this weekend. Thus, the winner would have to lose two games to lose home field advantage.

Does that seem a tad unlikely to anyone else?

Are we really prepared to believe that either Indianapolis or New England will lose two games the rest of the way?

The Colts have more than answered any questions about the allegedly depleted defense. This unit is superior to the one that took them to the Super Bowl last season...and let's not forget that last season's unit was at or near the bottom of league rankings. From one point of view, it might seem difficult for someone that bad last season to get that much worse this season (the Miami Dolphins excepted), but this Colts defense isn't just a little bit better. It's a LOT better.

It's so much better that we'd be talking dynasty in Indy, what with the offense continuing to do what it has done ever since Peyton Manning took over...

...except that there is already a dynasty in New England.

And they are taking no prisoners.

If the Colts were impressive in their business-like dismissal of Carolina, the Patriots were absolutely breath-taking in their complete dismantling of the Washington Redskins.

It is rare to see a professional team beat another professional team the way that college powerhouses regularly pummel schedule-fodder, but that's what it looked like on Sunday. The Patriots looked like the old Steve Spurrier Gators running up the score against Mother Theresa Community College.

There simply aren't enough adjectives left after their 8-game blitz of everyone in sight. As Peter King of Sports Illustrated points out, no team in the history of the game has opened the season with 8 straight games of 34 or more points. Tom Brady has already surpassed his career-high for touchdown passes in a single season. The defense has been spectacular, and that without all-world defensive end Richard Seymour for most of the early season. Randy Moss is back to making highlight-reel catches on a routine basis, and he's arguably not the best receiver on the team. Wes Welker has been a revelation, and he doesn't look any faster or stronger now than when he was on a miserable Dolphin team last season (ask him for perspective on both teams, and you might have to listen to him giggle incessantly for about 30 minutes before he can give you a coherent answer...). Donte Stallworth is actually playing up to his considerable potential, giving the Patriots two legitimate game-breakers at WR, something only the Colts and the Arizona Cardinals could say for a long time.

And they aren't just beating teams. They are walking through them like there is no opposition whatsoever.

(By the way, ProFootballTalk's Mike Florio has a little blurb about Redskins linebacker Randall Godfrey complaining that the Pats showed no class by running up the score. To which I say: Shut. The. Hell. Up. If you don't like the Patriots scoring so much, well, stop them. It's not their job to ease up on you. It's your job to keep them out of the end zone. If you don't like running backs getting touchdowns, tackle them. If you don't like quarterbacks throwing the ball deep in the fourth quarter, sack them. The only time a game is won is when the final gun sounds and one team has more points than the other team. Just last weekend, Sage Rosenfels led his wounded Houston team to 29 points in the fourth quarter; they were winning a game they had lost until Rob Bironas kicked his NFL-record eighth field goal for Tennessee. The only reason your team didn't duplicate Houston's feat is because you quit playing, not because the Patriots are a bunch of blue meanies. If the Patriots offense scored 52 points, it's because the Redskins defense let them. Butch up, tackle someone, and shut up.)

Make no mistake: the Patriots are as real as real gets.

And, thank God, so are the Colts.

This game is the Ali-Frazier of our generation, but without the political ramifications. It is Houston-UCLA. It is Affirmed-Alydar. Hell, if that whole space-time continuum thingy weren't such a bother, it would be Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods tied for the lead on Sunday at Augusta.

Both teams are utterly professional. Both coaches are utterly prepared. Both quarterbacks are Hall-of-Famers right now. Both offenses are prolific. Both defenses are disciplined, if not occasionally savage.

If ever a game was threatened to be drowned by hype, this is that game, but these two teams will not be caught up in the wash. They will do their jobs, the same as they have done all season. Do not expect bulletin-board material from either squad; if Randy Moss didn't rise to T.O.'s bait before the Dallas game, he'll have even less to say about the silent assassins at WR for the Colts.

I can't wait...

Week 8 Prognostications - Less is More. Really.

2007-10-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

We have a new format here at the Posedown. The very clever observer might notice that I am on a two-week winning streak, but that is not the change. Let it not be said that Javan Walker and William Bryan do not care for their public. Oh, no. Acting upon feedback from our people, some of whom felt that reading our weekly picks was a career, you can now find games in AFC parks on Van’s site and games in NFC parks on mine.
As clear as this might normally be, this week the Dolphins play a home game in London and the Chargers play a home game somewhere. Hmm.

And Van is at home, literally and figuratively in the dark while the rest of us bask in the light. But he does have cabbage. Oh, yes.

Van: Hey, I like cabbage. I like the way it makes me smell. It makes me want to shuffle around the yurt in an old bathrobe and galoshes, and say stuff like “PUMPERNICKEL? Shuffle that elephant! Millenium hand and shrimp!”

Take your beating, cabbage boy. To arms.

Oakland at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Rob Bironas vs. Da Bears? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Thor? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Glenn Danzig? Hmm…Bironas. This week, Bironas gets his sidekick Vince Young back and the Tuxedoes roll over the Raiders. After signs of life, the Raiders resurrected last year’s defense this past week, initiating calls for…JeMarcus Russell? It sez so right here that no good can come of this.

Van: Rob Bironas might be the first kicker in league history to ice his leg after a game…geez…

The Giants at Miami
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Van’s Pick: The Giants
So what do you think is making Nick Buoniconti and the rest of his developmentally arrested buddies wring their hands harder right now? The 0-16 Dolphins or the 16-0 Patriots? If both came to pass, it would be proof positive that God disapproves of hubris. Neither has ever been done (while the 72 Dolphins won all their games and the 76 Buccaneers lost all of theirs, those were 14-game seasons), so even an imperfect student of history recognizes the great unlikelihood of an oh-fer either way. But 42-7 at halftime is awfully definitive. This game may represent the best chance the Fish have in the short-term to get into the left column, but only because it is such an odd circumstance. The Giants are too good, no matter where they play this. It would be better if they played it in Australia – then at least the Dolphins could circle the drain the other way.

Van: Technically speaking, the Coriolis effect has nothing to do with the direction water circles a drain, but with perception: an object that is moving in a straight line will appear to move in a curved line if the observer is moving on a rotating frame of reference. Realistically speaking, it won’t matter which direction the Dolphins circle the drain, because, with Ronnie Brown done for the year, they are terrible from every possible vantage point. 0-16 is a very real possibility for this bunch.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Cincinnati’s win over the Jets was as much evidence of their frailties as any of their four losses. Jets quarterback Chad Pennington went 20-31, 272 yards, 3 touchdowns and one pick, but rather than punching his ticket to Honolulu, he almost got benched. Why? He was playing the Bengals. A quarterback rating under 120 is evidence of gross incompetence. While the Steelers looked a little lost against the Broncos Monday night, they should be able to find themselves in Cincy. Marvin Lewis may be counting on a strong final month, which includes fortuitous matchups with the 49ers, Rams and Dolphins, to save his job. It won’t work. It’s one thing to have to bail all of your idiot players out of jail, but another thing entirely if they can’t play football.

Van: The inmates are running the asylum in Cincy, and things only get worse with Chris Henry back in the fold. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Pittsburgh ran up the score on them a bit.

Houston at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
There was a bit on the television show Ed where one of the characters put together a list of things he had horribly misjudged (“Thought Aquaman was going to be bigger than Superman”). I watched Sage Rosenfels play at Iowa State, and I am here to tell you he sucked. Really sucked. I watched him in Miami. Sucked there, too. I marveled that he was in the NFL, much as I thought everyone was aware that he sucked. Do you suppose Rosenfels sold his soul to Mephistopheles to be Jim Kelly for just one quarter? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just wrong about the guy. Doubt it, but maybe. Much will be made of San Diego’s great distraction at their burning community, but take all of that with a grain of salt. Nobody is in danger. Everybody is being evacuated and only their stuff is in danger. The difference is enormous. Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner has seen the light, LT gets the ball 35 times, the Chargers win. Time to make the donuts. Simple.

Van: One of the funniest things I’ve seen recently is that thousands of frantic, UV-deprived fantasy football owners were scrambling online late Sunday night to pick up Sage Rosenfels. Who knew? Still, it’s kinda hard to pick a team that had last week’s game won, only to lose it to the other team’s kicker…and we have to put Mario Williams' face back on the milk carton after a promising beginning to the season...sigh...

Buffalo at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
As I noted a couple of games ago, Chad Pennington is inexplicably playing for his job. I hate to turn on my Bills, who circled the wagons to lead me to a glorious victory over Van last week, but the Jets are desperate and the Bills are not yet good enough to win anything on the road. Did everybody see the Mangenius this week? He is where Isiah Thomas was a year ago, so beaten and clueless that the next stranger who approaches him in the street with a plausible idea gets to be his new top assistant. The J-E-T-S get a one-week reprieve.

Van: You are making this too easy. Really. Last week, you lucked into a win because Marshawn Lynch is a MAN at running back. Baltimore’s big-talking linebackers got smacked in the jibs by the Buffalo rookie, and they are waaaay better than anything the Jets can offer. And let’s not forget the alleged Mangenius and his “Fourth And Stupid As Hell” from a couple of weeks ago. Desperation is reserved for teams with a smattering of hope left (see Bears, Chicago). The Jets are like a severed limb that doesn’t realize it’s dead and keeps twitching for a few seconds until reality sinks in.

Washington at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I have been rifling my rolodex for a buddy who has maybe been in outer pace for the last month so that I can tell somebody about the Patriots. We need to get something straight here: I hate the Patriots. I hate the Celtics, the Bruins and the Red Sox, too, but I care a lot less about those sports. I just hate Boston fans. Accusations of institutional racism have some undeniable empirical basis, but the real problem is the posturing when their teams are losing. Boston fans are no more or less insufferable than New York, Philly or Chitown fans when they win, but when they lose, Boston takes it to another level. Every bad thing that happens is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody. Coaches and players who lose are not bad, they are the worst. Idi Amin, Ted Bundy and Bill O’Reilly are shoplifters next to Dan Duquette, Rick Pitino and Tony Eason. So I hate Boston teams. All this to say how incredible it is that I would rather watch the Patriots than my own beloved Broncos right now, because that is how much fun they are.

Van: Bill O’Reilly? See, that ain’t right. I haven’t said one mean or disparaging thing about the tree-hugging Luddites on the left all year and you gotta call out Bill O’Reilly for not goose-stepping with the rest of the Clintonistas…

Green Bay at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
Just playin’, Donkeys. You know I love you. While the Packers are technically better than the Broncos, they match up as poorly as is humanly possible. The Broncos cannot reliably do anything (and I mean ANYTHING, Brandon Marshall, you dumbass) except defend the pass. Offensively, the Packers can only pass. With very few exceptions, the Packers are not the Colts, and with Champ Bailey back the Packers will have tons of trouble moving the ball. If the Rockies get swept, Denver reverts to being a football town in a hurry, but if the Series stretches out to Monday, nobody will watch the Broncos-Packers game.

Van: As of this writing, the Rockies might not make it to Monday night. If they don’t beat Dice-K on Saturday, they will NOT see Jon Lester on Sunday, but Josh Beckett again. And that would be all for Colorado, friends and neighbors. Meanwhile, as a loyal fan of my beloved Bears, I must admit to having two favorite teams: the Bears, and whoever is playing the Packers. This week, Denver gets some love from me, so much so that I’m even going to postpone my weekly “Fire Mike Shanahan!” diatribe…but God help Leatherface if he loses.

Quick Slants - Week 7

2007-10-23T08:41:00.001-07:00

This just in: Rob Bironas has just kicked another field goal.

If Week 6 was completely unpredictable, Week 7 was about statements being made.

Up first: Bears at Eagles.

Both teams HAD to have this game.

As in, the winner gets to keep hope alive. The loser is already on the clock.

The Illadelph was crushing the Chi for the better part of four quarters, but field goals ain't touchdowns. A game that should have been a blowout was within the reach of a team as desperate as themselves.

And then: blessed silence.

1:52 remaining. 97 yards between the Bears and victory. And Brian Griese's helmet audio stopped functioning.

Some might call that convenient.

I call it provident.

Like the veteran that he is, Griese confidently and methodically moved his team down the field, bereft of any direction other than the innate sense of north-and-south that he had to have inherited a portion of from his Hall-Of-Fame dad. The defense, stupidly believing the Bears capable of the big strike, left its underbelly open. Griese and his receivers gladly savaged that underbelly, taking huge chunks of yards at a time.

Then, the inevitable: Griese found Muhsin Muhammad in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score that the Eagles had feared from Griese's first completion at the beginning of the drive.

The remaining 9 seconds dribbled off the clock, and the Bears were the team coming out of the coma.

The Eagles? Downgraded from critical to grave...

Statement Game 2: Titans at Texans.

Houston had every reason to lose this game. They were without their stud receiver. Their quarterback went down early. They were behind by a bushel of points. Everything said 'run out the clock and don't let the bleeding get any worse.'

Instead, they went to their backup, and he took them to the end zone.

Again. And again. And again.

And all of a sudden, Houston is in position for the upset of the season.

Except that Tennessee went to the well one more time.

Rob Bironas had already made seven (7) (!!) field goals in the game, from all distances. He was called upon once more.

Of course, he answered.

Eight (8) (WHAT THE HELL?!!) field goals later, Tennessee wins a game that they had both won and lost. Houston lost a game that they lost and won...and then lost again.

And the Titans remain a force to be reckoned with.

Statement Game 3: Patriots at Dolphins.

They were clearly the better team going in. No one took the Dolphins seriously. This could have been a classic trap game...but these ain't your granddad's Patriots.

The Patriots treated these guys like hazardous waste, and disposed of them early and properly.

They might be the most focused team in the league, except for...

Statement Game 4: Colts at Jaguars.

Anyone else remember that 44-17 butt beating that Indy took last year in the swamp?

Apparently, the Colts hold a grudge as long as the Patriots do, because they exorcized more than a few demons this time around in what can only be described as a complete thrashing of a playoff-bound team.

If New England's handling of Dallas in Dallas told us anything about the Patriots, then Indianapolis' handling of Jacksonville in Jacksonville should tell us exactly the same thing about the Colts.

The Colts are making a simple statement.

They do not consider themselves 1a to the Patriots' 1.

They believe that they are the 1, and that the Patriots are the team with something to prove, ESPN sloppy wet kisses for the Patriots notwithstanding.

And, at last check, as I have LOOONG maintained, the Colts are the team with the shiniest new hardware on display at team HQ. The Colts are the team that won the last Super Bowl.

The Colts are looking every bit as super as the Patriots.

And I will say it again and again until I'm paid to keep saying or sued to stop:

One of these two teams will go undefeated, out of necessity.

Whoever wins that titanic clash in Indy in a little less than a fortnight will have the inside track on home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

By the slimmest of margins: one game.

One misstep, one failure to focus, one badly-executed game plan, and now we're thrown into the lap of chance, where the obscure rules of NFL tie-breakers come into play.

Neither team wants that.

Neither team wants their destiny decided by something as undeserving of the moment as a ruling that was largely suggested in a hypothetical situation in the first place.

No, one team will go 16-0 because the other will hound them there.

And the great part for football fans is that it might not matter where the game is played.

Week 7 Prognostications - Normalcy Is Restored

2007-10-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

See, here’s the problem with calling your blog “alwaysrightaboutsports” – what about those times when you’re wrong? What do you do about fever dreams or tequila hazes, those little Shakespearian misprisions that result in an embarrassing overcommitment to the Saints? Wait...my therapist is on the line. She says I’m projecting.

Van: I have a rather convenient life motto: often wrong, but never in doubt. This week, though, I’ll be right waaay more often than wrong. Check the slandered blog above if you don’t believe me.

So Van gets brutally beaten and left on the sidewalk for dead in Week 6. The police have no suspects, but there is no need to call in William Peterson – it was me. I beat Van. And badly. And he had it coming. And now I am going to do it again. The police are gonna have to come and get me.

Van: So, do you like your words medium-well, or well done? I can recommend a nice Ripple (Oct. 2007) to wash them down.

Down to business.

Baltimore at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Despite Van’s constant assurances about Dick Jauron’s complete incompetence, Jauron acquitted himself well, announcing that Trent Edwards will start ahead of the perpetually clueless J. P. Losman. Despite their lack of talent further depleted by injury, the Bills continue to play hard and - dare I say it? – smart. Baltimore is an upset waiting to happen, a 4-2 lie, and the truth finally comes out this week in Buffalo.

Van: See? SEE? We aren’t one pick in and Bill has already lost his mind. How many different ways can I say it: Dick Jauron is the Anti-Walsh. He has twice lost games at home that he should have had in hand. They should be on the sunny side of 3-2, not the nether regions of 1-4. Baltimore pounds more lumps into Buffalo this week.

Arizona at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van has tried to tell you for weeks that God hates the Cardinals, and now the rest of us see the evidence. How else can you explain Him healing Jon Kitna but forsaking Kurt Warner? Furthermore, the Arizona Cardinals lost the Vinnie Testaverde derby. Wow. Wow and ouch. In case anybody wants in on this, www.godhatesthecardinals.com is mysteriously available. You gotta hope God is not their co-pilot, seeing as how they have to fly all the way across the country this week.

Van: If having millions of dollars, two MVP awards, a Super Bowl MVP, and a Super Bowl championship counts as being forsaken by God, He can start forsaking me any day now…

Atlanta at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I hate to go all Camus on you, but does this really matter? Really? Here we have a truly bleak game that will fail to keep the distraught from jumping, this week’s best reason to teach your old dog new tricks rather than watch football. I can put all imaginable effort into analyzing it, but in the end the only thing worse than the Saints is my comprehension of the Saints. If the Saints can win anything, and I am not saying that they can, isn’t it the Falcons at home? In addition to the crushing multitude of problems the Falcons have developed, they now have to add Bobby The Bitch Petrino to the list of Coaches Who Have No Idea Who Their Best Offensive Player Is (CWHNIWTBOPI for those that know) and Jerious Norwood to that group’s growing list of victims. While he is usually a reliable scapegoat, the Falcons are about to find out that Joey Harrington was not the problem.

Van: Maybe it’s just us, but it seems to me that when a guy is constantly outrunning the defense and scoring touchdowns, someone in charge might want to give that player more opportunities to do the same. But in the double secret probationary world that is NFL head coaching, some coaches think they are being clever by NOT doing the expected. When a coach eschews the obvious for treachery, well, his team is already on the clock…Brian Brohm, welcome to Atlanta.

San Francisco at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
The Niners could not score in Budapest with a thousand dollars. You probably have your own version of this joke, and this is a great opportunity to use it, because the 49ers are partying like it’s 1979. The Giants can apparently put up 30 on anyone, and that’s at least 21 points out of reach for the hapless Niners. Give them another week and San Francisco will get Alex Smith back, returning their offense to the torpor they experienced at the beginning of the season rather than the abyss into which Trent Dilfer pushed them.

Van: While I like the idea of coaches wearing suits on the sidelines, I just wish that Mike Nolan had given as much thought to his team’s performance as he’s given his haberdashery.

New England at Miami
Bill’s Pick: New England
Right now, Tom Brady is Critical Bill from the classic Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead: “I am Godzilla! You are Japan!” He will have to spend all next week picking Fish out from between his toes. You know who can beat the Patriots right now? The Rockies, but probably nobody else.

Van: Au contraire, mon frere. The Patriots can be beaten right now. Just not in this universe. Now, should we travel down an alternate pants leg of the Trousers of Time, we might find a team that could beat the Patriots right now. We might also find out why anyone thinks Ellen Degeneres is funny…then again, maybe not.

Tennessee at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Just like that, I am off the Tyrants’ bandwagon. If I did not like Tennessee with Vince Young, then I really do not like them with Kerry Collins. By the way, a hobbled Vince Young is Kerry Collins, you can only tell them apart by what they have to say about Muhsin Muhammad, so it does not really matter if Young manages to play or not.

Van: Just like that, you’re on the Houston bandwagon…heh heh heh. Don’t worry; I saved you some beer and a hotdog because I knew you’d be along sooner or later.

Tampa Bay at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
It appears I have a nine year-old’s hang-up on offense. The Lions cannot stop anyone, which probably even includes the rushing-deficient Bucs, but I believe in their offense’s ability to outscore the overloved Jeff Garcia, particularly at home.

Van: If you were at a swap meet, the Lions would be that pleather Johnny Hilfiger jacket on sale for $10 bucks. THEY ARE FRAUDS. Tampa Bay, on the other hand, is a conundrum wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a really cool logo (gotta admit it: that Jolly Roger looks cool…waaaay better than Brucie the, er, swashbuckling pirate from back in the day…not that there’s anything wrong with swashbuckling, mind you…).

Kansas City at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
The Raiders have heart, Daunte Culpepper looks pretty good, and they are at home. Of course, as a Broncos fan, I believe this would be a fine time for The Big One to hit the Bay Area, assuming such a thing is inevitable anyway. Needless to say, I hope everybody else wisely evacuates well in advance. Namaste.

Van: Namaste? Uh…may the Force be with you…? ANYway, now that we’ve exchanged obscure greetings, the fact is that Kansas City should win this game and they won’t. Such is life in the AFC Worst, er, West.

The Jets at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
There can be only one. I actually read some commentary on this game that said the loser could kiss the playoffs goodbye. Cue Jim Mora, Sr. PLAYOFFS?! Forget the playoffs. The loser of this game has to travel by Greyhound for the rest of the season. The Mangenius already had to turn in his weak nickname, but if the Bengals fall at home to the Jets, Marvin Lewis can probably turn in his playbook and go golfing with Lloyd Carr.

Van: If you’re going Camus on me with the Atlanta/New Orleans tilt, I’m going Nietzche on you with this one: No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant. In this particular case, anyone seriously believing that either of these two stool samples can make the playoffs is either deluded or a beat writer for one of these teams. No, let me correct myself: the playoffs have already started for these two teams. They just need to run the table from here to February. That’s the truth of it; both of these teams are one and done right now.

St. Louis at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
If this game were in St. Louis, the Rams might be picking up their inaugural W. These two teams are such a mess that they could not compete in the AFC South if they combined their rosters. Fortunately, they play in the NFC West, where the winless Rams are still in the hunt. This is the Isaac Newton division. All the Rams have to do is wait for the free-falling teams ahead of them to come back down. Marc Bulger is back this week, and poor a salve as he has been for the Rams, he is a huge upgrade on Gus Frerotte. Problem is, Steven Jackson is still a week away, and the Rams defense is still truly horrible.

Van: Seattle is just good enough to clean up the scraps in this “division”…but only just barely. The Seahawks will win and continue to defy all logic while doing so. (By the way, I know the NFL is all for parity, but what we have now is insanity. There used to be a day when bottom feeders and upper echelon teams gradually exchanged places over the course of a few years. One recalls the Super Dallas teams of the ‘90s going 1-15, then 7-9, then 11-5, then three Super Bowls in four seasons. The point is that the Cowboys eased us into accepting them as a good team after having been bad for so long. Now? St. Louis used to be good. Now they stink like a landfill. Next season…next week?...they might be good again. It’s enough to make a guy drink…)

Chicago at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Wow. Did this collection of “werewolves and axe-murderers” just rip off their dresses in their eagerness to lay down for a rookie running back? See, I use a formula to decide how good a game a running back has. It’s based on the Bryan Family Weight. If you have more yards then my three year-old weighs in pounds, you got into the game. Congratulations, do not forget to pick up your door prize. If you have more than my seven year-old weighs, then you are OK, provided you did not get a starting running back’s load. If you rush past my wife’s weight, that’s a pretty good game. It’s not getting you into the Hall of Fame, but it is unlikely your team lost. If you outrush my weight, you lit some fools up. Prepare this man’s bust for Canton, and make sure you get the eyes right. I’m thinking the Bears have enough pride left to regroup against a really bad Iggles team.

Van: You really better hope your wife doesn’t read this, because, as a recently married man meself, I can pretty much guarantee that there are two ways she’s going take your bringing her weight into the discussion, and both of them have you bleeding from every orifice in the very near future. I don’t care if she puts the waif in “waif,” a woman’s weight is the third rail of married life. Now onto the football stuff: shut up about Adrian Peterson, Mr. Clairvoyant. Nobody saw this kid slicing up the league like this, not you, not me, not anyone he’s played yet, and his coach still isn’t seeing it. But for Mr. Who-The-Hell-Knew-He-Could-Do-That Peterson, the Bears win that game easily because the Vikings got bupkiss from everyone else. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY on Philadelphia’s team will sneak up on them. The players can talk about wanting to win for Andy Reid and his ill-fated sons, but they’d have a better chance with some better players. The Bears win, period.

Minnesota at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The Cowboys-Patriots game was incredibly entertaining, and not just because I got the chance to text all my people in Dallas, “Y’all are getting worked.” While it is never a positive sign to give up 48 points in an NF of L game, the Cowboys proved Sunday that they are for real. Not nearly as real as the Pats, but still pretty real. They battled back twice in that game and the offense proved that they can hang a ton of points on anybody. The defense mostly proved that the Patriots could make them really tired. Fast-forwarding to this week’s game, it sez so right here that it is a lot easier to gameplan one guy than a whole team. Adrian Peterson will get 20 carries in the first half when the game is close and 5 in the second half after the Vikings, who have a little trouble stopping the pass, fall under the wheels of the Cowboys’ patented third quarter run.

Van: Minnesota comes in after a rousing win in Chicago. Dallas comes in after getting throttled at home by New England. Both teams are watching film and believing that they have found the key to victory. The problem is this: Dallas, perhaps more than anyone to date, knows that all they have to do is stop Adrian Peterson to beat Minnesota. Minnesota, on the other hand, knows that all they have to do is have the players on New England’s roster to beat the Cowboys. One of these scenarios is a bit more likely than the other one.

Pittsburgh at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Speaking of things to do in Denver when you’re dead, have you seen Travis Henry’s witless and irrelevant defense of his positive marijuana test? In the classic mold of “I didn’t inhale,” Henry’s two points of contention are that he did not get to have his own expert present for the testing process (why did you hire Johnny Cochran, Mr. Simpson?) and that there was only a little pot in his system, which he claims indicates it was second-hand. If you are a two-time loser in the NFL drug program and you have a contract that gives back everything except your raggedy-ass reputation if you are so monumentally stupid as to get caught again, then you walk into the place to be, you smell herb, you leave. You are no less stupid for getting it second-hand. Of course, this is a guy who has not yet figured out where babies come from. When I die, I will get no rebate for having watched this game.

Van: If you think that my werewolves and axe-murderers ripped their dresses off for Minnesota, I guarantee you that what Pittsburgh will do to Denver might get censored…

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Ladies and gentlemen, the Founder and President of CWHNIWTBOPI, Jack Del Rio. Here’s the thing: Van and I are not prophets of God (at least Van is not). We have exhausted ourselves all season yelling from the mountaintops that Maurice Jones-Drew is the Jag’s best player, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT. EVERYBODY already knew that. Pop Warner knew it and Pop Warner is freakin’ DEAD. In the last two weeks, Jones-Drew has 21 carries for 207 yards and three touchdowns, leaving only the unanswered question why he did not have 60 carries. Jones-Drew gets 25 touches this week and the Colts are defenseless. Write it down, and you only have Del Rio to blame if it is not true.

Van: You. Are. NOT. Serious. The Colts are not just another bunch of guys; they are a great team with Hall-Of-Famers playing for them. Jacksonville is nothing more than schedule fodder with a high opinion of themselves after slapping Denver around. Note to Bill: INDIANAPOLIS AIN’T DENVER. Indianapolis will continue to put boot to butt for the Hoosier faithful until New England shows up…

Quick Slants - Week 6

2007-10-16T02:28:00.000-07:00

Reiterating a theme that I expounded upon just a couple of weeks ago...

...nobody knows nothin'.

Period.

Holee catfish, what a weekend!

This just in: Brad Childress is officially stupider than Norv The Idiot Turner.

The Bears still haven't tackled Adrian Peterson...neither has anyone else, really...and yet Childress insists upon this fiction that Chester "The Molester" Taylor (more on him in a minute) is his starting tailback and that the rookie must somehow "earn" his minutes.

Borrowing from a joke I used this past weekend, when I still thought I knew something about football: Brad Childress? Adrian Peterson. Peterson? Childress. We all set here? Good. Now, Brad, here's what you do: you tell Chester The Molester that if he wants to throw chairs, Jerry Springer's having a reunion special, but that his job from now on is to get Adrian Peterson water whenever he want it, because Adrian Peterson will now be carrying the rock AS MANY TIMES AS PRUDENCE DEMANDS.

How can a coach have a player that dynamic on his own sideline and fail to recognize him?

Oh, wait: Brad Childress? Norv The Idiot Turner...

And speaking of idiots, how stupid is Chester Taylor, anyway?

Your team drafts a guy at your position. That should have been the first hint that one of y'all was, uh, expendable.

Then you go and get into a chair-throwing hissy fit fight with a member of your own team in the locker room...and, apparently, this ain't the first time you've rearranged the furniture. Word around the campfire is that you did this in Baltimore, which is why you are soon to be an ex-Viking as well as an ex-Raven.

Bonehead.

But I wasn't done with the other bonehead, and his team won the game.

Say it with me, nice and loud: DON'T KICK THE FOOTBALL TO DEVIN HESTER.

EVER.

The guy has yet to play two full seasons of professional football, and he's already only 4 shy of the ALL-TIME RECORD for kick/punt returns for a career.

Then again, simply taking a penalty and giving the Bears the ball on the 30 might not work either...as that Griese-to-Hester bomb proved late in the game.

Note to Lovie Smith: if the defense is going to continue to suck like this, Hester better touch the football 30 times a game. No one will get mad at you, trust me.

So, uh, how bad are the Seahawks?

Really?

No, wait, how bad are the Jets?

Really?

How on earth do either of these teams lose at home to teams that look worse than whatever fills a chum bucket?

For crying out loud, the Seahawks made the Saints look like a powerhouse all over again. Embarrassing.

And as far as the Jets...

Eric Mangini (clearly the Man-Genius no longer) fell prey to the oldest football gimme in history: fourth and stupid.

See, on fourth and stupid, the obvious thing would be to pick up the first down on an off-tackle dive, or kick the field goal.

But that's why we call it fourth and stupid, because bad coaches try to get creative on a down that doesn't require creativity, but diligence.

Maybe it's just me, but is Brian Brohm that good?

Because I've never seen this many bad teams in the NFL all trying to get worse at the same time.

Of course, if you're the Rams right now, things can't get any worse than they already are...not with befuddled Gus Frerotte passing out interceptions like a drunk freshman passing out beads at the Mardi Gras.

There are some things we can take some comfort in, however: the Cleveland Browns own bad teams at home.

This is apparently as certain as death and taxes.

Yeah, sure, Miami scored 31 points with the hopeless Cleo Lemon behind the wheel...stop it. They scored meaningless points in a game that had long been decided. For the part of the game that mattered, they played like they switched their cleats for ice skating blades.

In other news, Brady Quinn is cursed.

Cursed.

So what else do we know?

We know that San Diego is really, really good whenever that kid wearing number 21 gets the football a lot.

Apparently, Norv The Idiot Turner has snapped out of his season-long coma and called an offense that recognizes LT's prodigious gifts...and guess what? They won!

One more miracle and Norv The Idiot Turner qualifies for sainthood...egad...

And speaking of miracles, did anyone catch the quarterbacks in the Carolina/Arizona tilt?

Vinny Testaverde.

Vinny By-God Testaverde.

Based solely upon that performance, either it just can't be as hard to play quarterback as guys like Trent Dilfer, Rex Grossman, or Gus Frerotte make it seem, or Testaverde is a Hall-Of-Famer.

The guy hasn't picked up a football in weeks, he doesn't know the playbook, and he doesn't even his teammates. He just walks in off the street, practices on Wednesday, and leads his team to victory on Sunday. Just like that.

Take that, Joey Harrington.

From now on, every time somebody moans about how difficult it is to coach up quarterbacks in the NFL, or how hard it is to find good ones, or yada yada yada about quarterbacks, I've got this 4-word response:

Vinny Testaverde. Shut up.

By the way, did I mention that he gets his first AARP letter in six years?

And, finally, New England/Dallas.

I guess we know how the Patriots will respond to adversity when they are down in the second half in a hostile environment...geez...

And is it any accident that all three of Tom Brady's new toys got TDs in this game?

I mean, right now, Brady looks like Neo did at the end of The Matrix: I can do this all the time?

I can do this all the time.

And the best thing for football fans (which, coincidentally, is the worst thing for New England) is that the Patriots are getting all the love in the world for beating Dallas in Dallas...

...while the other really good undefeated team sat at home, smoldering.

Apparently, we've already deeded the Lombardi Trophy to the Patriots...never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, undefeated also.

Never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, crushing people with the B Team while the A Team gets healthy.

Don't forget, Tony Dungy is a quiet man with a lot of pride in his work.

Don't forget, Peyton Manning may seen annoying in his commercials, but there is no quarterback in football better prepared, no, not even his nemesis in Foxboro.

Don't forget, the Patriots have to play Indianapolis in Indianapolis in a little less than three weeks.

That's just too cool to think about, because the Patriots won't find the welcome in Indy as warm as they did in Big D...

...and I'm OUT like every quarterback to start a game for Arizona this season...

Week 6 Prognostications - Brrrr. Stickem.

2007-10-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

So, Van and I tied this week. In order to secure this tie, I had to take my seven year-old son to sit at Invesco Field in the rain and watch the Broncos do whatever that was they did. Van will tell you they were allegedly playing football. You could not prove that in court. Since you asked, my son had a grand time. Hot dog, lemonade, little orange pom-pom, grown men all over the place turning to his father to ask, “can you *&%$ing believe this @$#*?”

Van: Actually, I was saying that during and after the Monday night game…geez…

Since last season’s Last Columnist Typing competition, during which you will recall I dominated Van like the mighty juggernaut I am, folks around these parts think my opinion is overly legitimate. Before the season, they asked me for a Broncos prognosis. I told some people 8-8 and some 7-9, probably depending upon how much I thought I could offend them. Many people were offended at either number because of the puzzling need of the American sports fan to hear pundits say nice stuff about their team.

Van: Bill’s right, folks. He’s the most dominant second-place finisher since Twice-A-Prince finished 31 lengths behind Secretariat in the ’73 Belmont…and click here if you want to see me pummel Bill some more.

All this to say, I may have been a little optimistic. Piss. Bugger.

Well, on with this week.

St. Louis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
It is completely inconceivable to me that the Ravens and Niners managed sixteen points last week. This game will make that game look watchable. This is what happens when the resistable force meets the movable object. I keep clowning teams for their lack of talent and depth at certain positions, but I do not even know where to start with the Rams. They may actually have less talent on the field than LSU right now.

Van: LSU? The Rams couldn’t beat Stanford right now…

Minnesota at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Lord, deliver me from teams who cannot be bothered to field an offense. We have two games right off the top for which DirecTV will not be refunding your money. Chicago’s defense gets a little healthier every day and so does Trvrereours Jackson, the combination of which makes this a walk-over. Besides, Brian Griese has two more weeks before he is a bad as Rex Grossman.

Van: What’s that disease where the head coach consistently ignores the best offensive threat on his team? Oh, right: rectal/cranial inversion. There is no truth to the rumor that Jack Del Rio, Norv The Idiot Turner, and Brad Childress are all afflicted, though all three were seen sharing a Coke before the season started…hmmm…

Miami at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Cleveland is a capable football team. Miami is a winless team whose mediocre quarterback’s career ended last week, forcing them to start their heretofore god-awful understudy to mediocrity, Mr. Cleo Lemon. Lemon is Boswell to Trent Green’s Johnson, Allen to his Gates, Loki to his Thor. If the Dolphins were not done at 0-5, they certainly are now.

Van: Cleo Lemon is Izzy Stradlin to Trent Green’s Slash, Janeway to Green’s Picard, Mario Van Peebles to Green’s Denzel Washington, oh…sorry. I got carried away there. Move along, move along.

Washington at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
This is only the Redskins’ second road game, and they should find out a lot about themselves in Lambeau. Jason Campbell has looked exceptional to this point, but on the road where he cannot hear against a top-flight defense, he will come apart. Campbell still has a lot to learn, and the first thing he is going to learn this week is that not all NFC North teams are the same.

Van: Nah. Paraphrasing Biggie (thanks, Marin): I always keep my Nina/ f**k a misdemeanor/‘Skins beat Packers like Ike beat Tina.

Houston at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Cue the circus fanfare, send in Doug Henning, bring me your finest smoke and mirrors, the Texans are going to play another game with football player decoys at the skill positions. They are killing time until they get healthy, and somehow Gary Kubiak is winning here and there along the way and making the Texans look like a playoff contender when they do finally have some players. Maybe they can have Cincinnati’s spot. Anyway, the fluorescent pink inflatable duck is not going to keep the Texans from drowning this week.

Van: Jack Del Rio? Meet Maurice Jones-Drew. MoJo? Del Rio. We all set here? Good. Now, Jack, hows about you loosen up that tie, send Fraud Taylor for some coffee, and give Mr. MoJo here the ball 60 or so times this game, hmmm? There’s a nice bonehead coach…

Cincinnati at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Speaking of Cincinnati…awful, and no end in sight. See, Marvin Lewis can throw every clueless guy off the team, but that leaves him with literally nobody to play defense and some decidedly non-figurative holes in his offensive line. I do not trust Kansas City as far as I can throw them, but the Bungles are, um, even heavier in that way.

Van: Legal analysts in Ohio are checking to see if the Bengals returning to Cincinnati after a loss qualifies for double jeopardy, or at least cruel and unusual punishment…

Philadelphia at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Ugh…aaaaaaaaaarrghh…bleah. What the hell is going on this week? I cannot decide whether it is some serious evil overlord #$%& going on with the schedule maker that we have all these inexcusable games or it is supremely considerate of the benign angelic order of schedule makers to sequester all the awful unwatchable teams within just a few games. The coinflip says…Eagles. Damned if I care, though.

Van: Dude, you are making this waaaaaay too easy. Have you seen Philadelphia this season? The only team they’ve beaten are the Lions, and the Lions are only the worst 3-2 team in the history of professional sports. Andy Reid's mind is a million miles away from the football field, Marty By-God Morninghweg is calling the shots, Donovan McNabb runs like a Republican in Chicago, and there is no help in sight.

Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Here it is, a smackdown between two teams that I was absolutely sure sucked but turned out to be pretty good clubs. Since that time, it turns out the Bucs should have been stockpiling running backs instead of quarterbacks. So…the Titans in the Sombrero with a superior running game.

Van: Plenty of room here on the Tyrants bandwagon, jump right on! And, for the record, you'll note that I called Tennessee a pretty good club waaaaay back before the season started...but it could be worse; you could still be picking New Orleans.

Carolina at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Ooo, Tommy John surgery. That’s bad, right? Who’s Carolina’s…ooo. David Carr. That’s bad, right? I heard John Fox talking about how he was going to adjust the offense to take advantage of David Carr’s strengths. Dom Capers wants to hear all about it when you’re done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I still like the Cardinals. I like them even better with Kurt Warner at the helm, because I have leftover man love from 2002.

Van: I had leftover Manwich last night…does that count? Where do you find this man love? Is that anything like hopelessly picking New Orleans every week but this one? (Okay, okay, I'll stop beating on New Orleans. No one else will, but I'll stop.)

New England at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: New England
Before the Buffalo game, which may have been the strangest NFL game I have ever seen, I might have taken a flyer on the Boys here. They are at home, and all of the reasons that they are 5-0 come to bear on the Patriots as much as they do any other team, but then the Buffalo game happened. The Patriots have not seen a defense like the Cowboys’ and Tom Brady had better have plenty of Charmin packed into his uniform, but after feasting on road kill for four weeks the Cowboys offense chose an inopportune time to lay out the blueprint for how to beat them. Note to Wade Phillips: you may not keep up on current events around the league, but Bill Belichick watches tape. I just hope Tony Romo’s postgame interview is half as entertaining after this loss as it was after the Buffalo win.

Van: Romo’s presser will be priceless because he’ll be concussed by the ageless Junior Seau. Hell, his ears might start flapping after this beatdown.

Oakland at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
I have this fantasy. It’s not as good as my Rosario Dawson fantasy, ‘cause that one is GREAT, but it is kinda funny. See, Norv Turner is watching game film. I’ve had this thing about game film lately. Anyway, Norv is baked out of his gourd, because…well, because he has to be, doesn’t he? Anyway, Norv has got his King-sized onion rings and he is sitting in the dark giggling and suddenly he has no peripheral vision, ‘cause that happens, and after some indeterminable amount of time he wakes up Ted Cottrell by yelling, “who is number 21?” Then after three days on mushrooms, he finds himself back at that stadium place and sure enough, there’s that guy wearing number 21 again. Weird. Should give that guy the ball. Where am I? Is there a Whattaburger around here?

Van: If there were any justice in the world, Norv The Idiot Turner would get kidnapped and replaced by a life-sized Norv The Idiot Turner standee; LT would play Madden ’07 and call the defense, and Quentin Jammer takes over the offensive play calling and threatens Philip Rivers within an inch of his life if he gives anyone but LT the ball…

New Orleans at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
Finally, a game on the road against an actual NFL team, a game I am sure that the Saints cannot win. The Saints’ D is like the world’s greatest couples counselor, fixing the strained relationship between Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck in three short hours. Free at last, free at last, great God almighty, I am free at last. I will miss the Saints.

Van: No one is fooled by jailhouse conversions, dude. Then again, maybe it was your beloved Aints losing to a David Carr-led team that gave you what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity.”

The Giants at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Y’know, the Falcons may suck, but they have been in all their games. With a guy under center who has flunked out of two horrific teams and a guy on the sideline who may be back in college before the end of the year and accounts unreceivable in the amount of $20 million, the Falcons should be forty points out of everything, but they are not. They will be in this one, too, but like their others, they will ultimately lose. On the other side of the field, after a discombobulating Week 2 trip to the Twilight Zone, the G-men might actually be good.

Van: There is no truth to the rumor that alleged Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino will be coaching this game from protective custody…

Quick Slants - Week 5

2007-10-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

From the "Ouch, Babe, Very Ouch" Department: You think Buffalo losing to Dallas after having the game in hand hurt? Try reading Paul Zimmerman's comments on Buffalo's coaching in that game (he also laid the smack down on Green Bay's coaches as well).

For a guy who has to talk to those coaches occasionally, these may constitute the ballsiest comments I've ever read from a sports writer.

But, as someone who watched the drama/travesty unfold, I must agree with Z: had Buffalo's coaches reached down and grabbed a pair, Buffalo pulls off the upset of the NFL season thus far.

And before I stop beating a dead Buffalo, those of us who are Bears fans are surely smirking into our ale tankards today at the thought of a Dick Jauron-led team snatching defeat from the jaws of victory...gee, not one of us ever saw that coming (snicker)...

This just in: Kris Brown just kicked another 50+ yard field goal...

Boy, that Indianapolis game was close, wasn't it?

I mean, at least it was close until they finished the national anthem...

For those paying attention, Indianapolis is continuing to hold up their end of the bargain as the best team in the NFL not named The New England Patriots. (And yes, I have November 4 circled on my calendar...that game might be the biggest non-Super Bowl football game in the last 50 years.)

Dear Michael Vick: the arbitrator just ruled on that whole bonus money thing with you and the Falcons. Next time you're in town, you might want to bring your bank book with you. Bonehead.

But keep ya head up, kid. All is not lost (I mean, except the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars you forfeited when you decided that killing dogs was more important than playing football...but I digress). You still have hope.

After you get out of prison, too old to play football and too broke to pay attention, you can always fall back on that degree you got at Virginia Tech...oh, my bad...

Tell you what, anyone thinking that the Ravens made a mistake in trading for Willis McGahee is just not paying attention.

The guy is averaging 92 yards per game, which is 7 above the Jim Brown Standard. Any idiot (or dog-killing quarterback) can rush for 1000 yards in a 16-game season, but the per game average is 65 yards. Running backs get benched for that, unless they are named Cedric Benson (60 drive-killing yards per...but I'm bitterly digressing). When Jim Brown rushed for a grand, he did it in 12 games, at 85 per. Thus, any RB over 85 yards per game is getting it done.

And "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout" Willis is getting it done.

No, the problem is that we have an alleged offensive coach in Brian Billick who just can't run an offense that doesn't have Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper in it. How else does any rational person explain barely beating a Trent Dilfer team by 2...when Dilfer was basically coming off the bench with his playbook still in his hands?

How else can any rational person explain just what the hell Mike Nolan was doing, anyway? Maybe that whole necktie thingy is cutting off the circulation to his head...

When all is said and done, Billick will go out like Mike Ditka did, as a coach who squandered a championship-level defense and wasted valuable Super Bowl chances in the process. Just as the 80's Bears should have won more than one, the recent Ravens should also have won more than one.

It's official: Kurt Warner has more lives than a cat.

Nothing wrong with New England, kids...nothing at all.

You know that The Belicheat has the players drinking the kool-aid when serial malcontent Randy Moss was seen actually blocking downfield for someone else, in a game in which he did not have his usual spectacular Patriot numbers.

New England barely broke a sweat beating Cleveland, Moss was silent and happy and blocking (!!) on a day that didn't see him get into the endzone, and the rest of the NFL just lost another step to the premier franchise in the league.

This just in: Kris Brown has kicked another 50+ yard field goal...

One wonders if Jack Del Rio is paying attention: when Maurice Jones-Drew gets the majority of the carries, Jacksonville wins. When Fraud, er, Fred Taylor gets the majority of the carries, Jacksonville loses.

Or maybe it's just me...

I had given my beloved Bears up for dead this past weekend. What with devastating injuries on defense and abysmal play on offense, I thought that they would die a miserable death in Cheesehead, Wisconsin.

Instead, they refused to lay down and die. They quit making excuses and started making plays, and won a game that they should have lost...indeed, a game that they were losing at halftime.

Apparently, taciturn head coach Lovie Smith blistered the paint off the walls in the locker room at the half, all Ditka-style, and the players came out in the second half snorting smoke and pawing the earth.

Good for them. If the Bears have recovered their mojo, they can still make a playoff run. Buffalo exposed Dallas (just like I said they would, by the way), Seattle just got crushed in Pittsburgh, and, aside from Washington, no one else scares anyone in the NFC.

If Tennessee can play badly and still win, what will happen when they finally put a good game together?

(And, uh, you'll note that I've been on the Keith Bulluck bandwagon all season...word is bond...)

By the way, since I'm patting myself on the back, you'll remember that you read it here first: Detroit is a fraud.

Word around the campfire is that they are considering trading Tatum Bell back to Denver, in the wake of Travis Henry's troubles (more on him in a minute).

But really, how bad is Bell? With the passing game that the Lions have, shouldn't there be a few holes for the adventurous running back to exploit?

Any team foolish enough to put 8 or 9 men in the box against Mike Martz's Aerial Daredevils risks getting burned by a very good group of receivers, and you have to figure that the words "play-action fake" still have some cachet in an offense like that...but there Bell is, doing his best Artose Pinner impression...

But back to Travis Henry, exactly how dumb is this guy?

It's bad enough that he has apparently never heard of the condom (hell, even United Airlines always pulls out on time...snicker), but he signed a contract that expressly forbade him from smoking the herb or he loses his money...at which point he gets caught smoking the herb.

Well, I guess this is why they call it "dope."

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't make NEARLY as much as Henry does and yet I wouldn't think of smoking the reefer in my current job...you know, because they FIRE you for stuff like that.

It's what I heard, anyway...

New Orleans plays St. Louis on November 11.

The world as we know it may cease to exist shortly thereafter.

And the only just thing that can happen is that they play to a tie, because there is no stinkin' way either of them will have merited a victory.

Someone needs to wrap a couple of rolls of duct tape around Priest Holmes' mouth after the former fantasy god tried offering advice to Larry Johnson.

See, I'm thinking that Larry Johnson is struggling because he's like the ONLY OFFENSIVE OPTION IN KANSAS CITY.

This is what happens when you have both Flotsam and Jetsam at quarterback.

From the "Nobody Knows Nothin'" Department: what is going on with the Giants? Can anybody explain this team to me?

They flat-out quit on Tom Coughlin a couple of weeks ago.

What, now they have a pulse again?

And speaking of pulses, be honest: none of us saw San Diego going into Denver and hanging 41 on the Broncos.

After that result, and based solely upon that result, I am officially starting my Fire Mike Shanahan crusade, and I will not rest until he is no longer employed by the Denver Broncos.

There is no excuse for his losing to a Chargers team allegedly coached by Norv The Idiot Turner, and there is even less than no excuse for losing to Norv The Idiot Turner at home, and I have to think that he deliberately allowed Norv The Idiot Turner's team to embarrass the Broncos by 38 points in Denver, because mere incompetency doesn't begin to address all that was wrong with this result.

For crying out loud, he was coaching against Norv The Idiot Turner and came off worst in the exchange. And will someone try to convince me that the same Kansas City team that just lost at home to the somnambulent Jaguars had answers for San Diego (in San Diego!!) that Shanahan didn't have in Denver?

And there I am, reading about how Denver was without Tom Nalen and Javon Walker and blah blah blah. Winners don't make excuses for injury (see Indianapolis). Losers take their worst home defeat since the Johnson Administration.

And they STILL haven't tackled Michael Turner...the way they made Turner look on Sunday, he might owe them royalties on his next huuuuuge free agent contract when he inevitably leaves SD.

This was, by far, the most dismal performance of the season, and the most inexcusable. Mike Shanahan has got to go, now.

...and I'm OUT like Matt Leinart...

Week 5 Prognostications - The Saga Continues

2007-10-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

In the middle of last Sunday’s games, I had to send Van an e-mail admitting that I knew absolutely nothing about football. Whatever else happens, a football prognosticator should always be able to outperform a coin.

Donald Rumsfeld went over my picks and was appalled at how I had misinterpreted the information available to me.

Van: Leave Rummy alone. As we speak, he’s checking the sock drawer for those WMDs that he was sure he’d left in Iraq for CNN to find…

So Van extends his lead. In related news, swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker is working Sports Illustrated’s resident expert Dr. Z. Coincidence? Perhaps. Van looks awful in a two-piece.

Van: Only if it’s a Van Heusen 17 two-piece with the bad lines and a short vent. Now, put me in a silk, charcoal colored, long cut Perry Ellis After 5, pleated baggies and a 4-button front, well, hide the women or put me in the Pope-Mobile for my own safety.

It is time to hit the comeback trail. I raised a lot of money this quarter and I am ready for a big run. If you guys have any doubt that Van is ripe for a fall, scroll down and check out his superhero commentary. Dude, put down the twenty-sided die and come out with your hands up.

Van: Axis and Allies, baby, Axis and Allies…

Miami at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Hell of a way to kick off the new me. Matt Schaub can be as great as he wants to be, but unless he is planning to run quarterback draws all day, I do not see the Houston offense getting a lot going. When Andre Johnson got hurt, we all scrolled down the depth chart and wondered who Jacoby Jones was. Now Jones is also hurt, Johnson is still out, Andre Davis has a dislocated finger and Ahman Green still may not play. You remember in college you could play intramural basketball and then one of your Alpha Phi buddies would come up and be like “hey, Bill, we’re short a guy, you wanna run with us?” I figure Schaub is calling T.O. and Patrick Crayton right now, saying, “Hey, I know you got a game Monday, but if y’all aren’t doing anything Sunday…” Meanwhile, there are signs of life in Miami, where Ronnie Brown suddenly sacked up and started hitting some fools and the spiritual center of their defense, Zack Thomas, is set to return after missing two games with a concussion.

Van: If Houston were healthy, they’d be a lock to win this one. And if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a happy Hannukah…

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
K.C. has one of the five best home-field advantages in football, and unless Jack Del Rio used his bye week to learn that Maurice Jones-Drew is his best offensive player, then I like the momentum the Chefs have coming off of the win in San Diego. The biggest difference between who the Chefs are and who we thought they were is Dwayne Bowe. Period.

Van: Because of Bowe, UV-deprived fantasy owners will see more of last season’s Larry Johnson in this game than they’ve seen of their alleged families this season.

Cleveland at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Romeo Crennel is the kid proudly bringing home a short story about aliens to his Pulitzer Prize-winning father. Dad can take the high road (“Great work, Rome. Let’s have some ice cream to celebrate.”) or he can dispense truth (“If that’s all you got, that’s fine, but big boys write in this house.”), but nothing will change the fact that the story is not good enough to impress Dad – it’s just an improvement over last year, when the kid kept spelling his name wrong. The Browns look like they might have a football team, but this will not be the best week to show it off.

Van: The Patriots game plan comes straight from early Ah-Nold – “Crush your enemies! See them driven before you! And hear the lamentation of the women!”

Carolina at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
Sean Payton brought a wagon into the practice facility to motivate his team with all of the people who are off of the Saints’ bandwagon. First of all, I hate with the mightiest vitriol cutesy motivational techniques. Second of all, there will be no whining about disrespect if you actually earned it on the field. What I am doing here is taking a flyer that Sean Payton did something else during his bye week, like maybe addressing his ethereal blocking schemes, because Carolina is fading faster than my respect for Reggie Bush. Dan Morgan is hurt again. Nobody seems to have noticed that Morgan is Kerry Wood, the guy to whose health the team’s fortunes are always tied, which is a complete embarrassing waste of time because of course he is not going to be healthy. That’s just not who the guy is. With David Carr at the helm of the Morganless Panthers, their fans better start investing in paper bags.

Van: Sooner or later, the Saints are going to Justify (Bill’s) Love (thanks, Madonna). As for me, I’m not quite ready to buy real estate in the Crescent City just yet. FEMA’s got a little more hatin’ on black folks yet to do (thanks, Kanye) before I pick the Saints.

The Jets at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
I got a concussion last week just watching the G-Men tee off on a defenseless Donovan McNabb, and this week the inexplicably resurgent Giant D faces the last word in defenseless quarterbacks, Chad Pennington. The over/under on Pennington’s day is 8:00 in the second quarter. Betting lines are provided for entertainment purposes only, please, no wagering. Unless you want the over, in which case I will cover it for you.

Van: Donovan McNabb was last seen hiding in the holding cell beneath the stadium, shaking uncontrollably and muttering “Momma, there go that man again!”

Seattle at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Seattle is better than I gave them credit for – they are probably better than you gave them credit for, too, but you probably came around quicker than I did. Hale Bopp comes around more quickly than I do. But Pittsburgh is a killer at home and until they ran into the clairvoyant buzzsaw formerly known as their offensive coordinator, they were comfortably the third-best team in the AFC. Seattle does a nice job keeping a lid on long pass plays, so Pittsburgh will hitch themselves to Fast Willie Parker and pull away in the second half.

Van: If Seattle is smart, they’ll let Deion Branch be a real nuisance to Pitt’s secondary and a nice complement to Shaun Alexander. Since they’re not, they’ll try to bludgeon a defense that was built to stop the better AFC running backs and lose handily.

Arizona at St. Louis
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
I would like to publicly apologize to the Raiders – the Rams are on the clock. This week’s brilliant idea to save the franchise is Gus Frerotte. Let me know how that goes for you. The Cardinals are living on borrowed time with their platoon quarterback system, which has literally not worked in the NFL since George Blanda, but they are otherwise engaged in winning football games with running and defense, which I am sure Van will tell you is how it is done. He will also have to admit now that the Cardinals are doing it.

Van: What? Arizona gets what amounts to a Saturday walk-through against the corpses in St. Louis and now I have to admit something about the Cardinals? I admit that the Cardinals coaches gave away every possible dirty secret they could in beating Pittsburgh in the desert. I admit that Ken Whisenhunt has two starting QBs, which is the same as saying that he has no starting QBs. I admit that Edgerrin James has scared no one since he cut his dreads…no…took his grill out…no…OH, right, since he LEFT THE FRIGGIN’ COLTS. And I admit that the Cardinals, quoting previous head coach Denny Green, are still what we thought they were: sorry as hell.

Atlanta at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
I think the Falcons’ win last week said more about the Texans’ triple amputee offense than it did about the Falcons. The Falcons really do suck. You should not confuse one lonely win in a sea of suckitude for land. While Tennessee should win this, their pass defense is vulnerable, and somehow nobody will admit that Joey Harrington has actually been playing better than Atlanta could have expected Mike Vick to play. I imagine Jeff Fisher is enough of a professional to look at the facts and gameplan for them, even if everyone else is reluctant to give Harrington his due.

Van: Joey Ballgame has had two good games in a row. It sez so right here that reality crashes in on him this weekend in the angry form of Keith Bulluck and a Titan defense at home.

Detroit at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
I have vacillated about a dozen times on this game. I can see it going either way. Detroit’s last road trip resulted in a violent bludgeoning at the hands of an Eagle team that has been mysteriously unable to do, well, anything against anybody else. Washington can do what Chicago, Minnesota and Oakland could not, which is to control the ball and grind out long drives to keep Martz’s madmen on the sidelines to entertain themselves. Even the Lions’ win over the crippled Bears came with a freakish outburst of true weirdness in the fourth quarter unlikely to be duplicated here or anywhere else anytime soon. I was going to make the argument that despite all that, the Lions are warriors for Christ, playing with the confidence of the truly saved, but forget it. I just bought my own arguments and changed it back to Washington.

Van: Don’t forget, Washington QB Jason Campbell’s confidence is growing by the day, and his receivers are the beneficiaries. Detroit won’t find Washington’s O-line as porous as Chicago’s was in the fourth quarter of last week’s clusterfudge…and we’re four games into the season and no one is impressed with Detroit’s running game yet.

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Colts are not as good as you think they are. They humiliated the Broncos, but that is simply what Peyton does. Some people talk a lot, some people like tapioca pudding, Peyton pounds the Donkeys. Tampa Bay has already clinched their division and has nothing to play for, but they may still sneak up and win this if two of the big three injuries (Joseph Addai, Marvin Harrison and Bob Sanders) cannot go on Sunday. I am betting they all play and the Colts escape with a surprisingly hard-fought win.

Van: Quit hating on the Colts. You’ve been mad at them ever since they pimp-slapped your beloved Saints in Week 1 in front of God and three other white men. Only the Patriots and the Cowboys have easy games every week; everyone else has to work for a living. The good news is that Tony Dungy now has a Colts team with the cojones to get their hands dirty and occasionally grind victories out. Beating teams while injured makes them easily as impressive as New England blowing teams out while healthy.

San Diego at Denver
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Speaking of pounding the Donkeys, even Norv Turner can watch last year’s game film and figure out how to hand the ball to LaDainian Tomlinson…right? LT ran wild last year over what was probably the best Broncos run defense ever, and this year’s version is…not. If LT gets fewer than 30 carries, the Chargers lose in Denver and A.J. Smith is not man enough to admit he was wrong, I authorize the citizens of San Diego to take matters into their own hands and exact a little vigilante justice, although I caution them to take the vice-president, too. You don’t want to lynch Norv just to end up with Ted Cottrell as your head coach.

Van: Continuing on a theme, Norv Turner is exactly who we thought he was: a guy so clueless about running a football team that he still hasn’t figured out a way to get LaDainian Tomlinson the football more than 17 times in a game. For goodness sakes, even Cro Magnon Marty Schottenheimer knew that his bread was buttered by Number 21…no way San Diego mans up and wins on the road. No way.

Baltimore at San Francisco
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Dear Mr. Billick: Tennessee owed Steve McNair better than they gave him, but you do not. Bernie Kosar looks younger and sprier than McNair right now, so Kyle Boller certainly does. Speaking of spry, have you seen how slow Willis McGahee looks? Is he hurt or just fat? For all of the Ravens’ difficulties, they are better off than the Niners right now. The Niners have the also-older-than-Bernie-Kosar Trent Dilfer under center throwing to my least favorite NFL player, Darrell Jackson. If there is a player with the astonishing lack of brains, balls and heart weekly displayed by Jackson, I have not seen him. Facing ten guys in the box (you have to at least cover Arnaz Battle) as well as puzzling play-calling from his own sideline (averaging only 17 carries a game), Frank Gore has been unable to help much. Obviously, San Fran’s defense gets tired of being on the field after a while. They will this week, too.

Van: Dilfer might have Tampa Bay flashbacks during this game, none of them good.

Chicago at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
I just saw, I am not kidding, a fantasy football expert (read: virgin) on ESPN advise everyone not to start Cedric Benson this week. Thanks for that, Mr. Virgin. You might want to sit Roman Gabriel and Funky Winkerbean, as well. Although I like the Packers at home, this game is not the mismatch it appears to be. Last week, the Bears fielded a defense with two CFL guys and four cardboard cutouts and still slapped around the high-powered Lions’ offense for three quarters before whatever the hell that was happened. This week, the real Bears’ defense starts to trickle back, and with just a little help from the offense they can still turn it around and compete for a playoff spot.

Van: I’m a Bears fanatic, and I’ll say what y’all are too scared to say (thanks, Bernie Mac): This Bears Team Officially Sucks. As long as there is a Brett Favre inside that Number 4 jersey, he will continue to own the Bears. As long as this Bears team continues to exhibit an appalling lack of…spine?...testicular fortitude?...they will continue to lose games like this. Before the season, I concluded that this game was a foregone conclusion. Turns out I was right, just about the wrong team.

Dallas at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
Tony Romo can take Cthulhu. Did you see him use his Jedi powers to convince the Rams that they had a horrible defense? Oh, right. Anyway, DeMarcus Ware, Greg Ellis and company will do to Trent Edwards what the Jets could not, which is welcome the rook to the show in style. Look for the offense to take the foot off the gas in what will unquestionably be a hideous game, but the defense will score enough to beat Buffalo by themselves. Bring on the Patriots.

Van: Dallas will win, but Dallas’ defense will not shut Buffalo down. This game will score into the ‘90s, like Cleveland and Cincinnati did. You heard it here first.

Quick Slants – Week 4

2007-10-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Paraphrasing Yogi Berra, nobody knows nothin’ about the NFL.

How else do you explain Atlanta?

After being sabotaged by their Virginia Tech alumni (first Mike Vick, then DeAngelo Hall), they looked to…dare I say…veteran QB Joey Harrington, who put up his second superior outing in a row, and they soundly beat a very good Houston team.

I’d like to say that this whole Harrington thing won’t last, but then I said that last week, didn’t I?

This just in: Osi Umenyiora just sacked Donovan McNabb again.

How does any sane, rational person explain Cleveland’s victory over Baltimore?

The Ravens led in every statistical category imaginable, except the one that counts in the standings: the final score. Cleveland has now beaten/exposed two teams that came into Browns Stadium with superior reputations, both of whom are on the verge of implosion after losing to the Browns. Derek Anderson has a stranglehold on the QB position, which looked to be Brady Quinn’s at halftime of Game 1. Somebody must have showed young Kellen Winslow Jr. some footage of his old man going to work, because he is arguably the premier tight end in football right now.

Nobody knows nothin’.

The Jets can’t get out of their own way. Last season, they were the darlings of the NFL. Eric Mangini was being touted as another great coach from the Belichick tree. They were scrappy, resilient, and tough. This season?

The most noise they’ve made is about the Patriots using a video camera to pick off their defensive signals…and I think we all see how that’s been working out.

The Bills go to a kid who was doing a great job of warming the bench in Buffalo after a career of warming the bench at Stanford, and he already looks waaaaay better than the guy they’ve been spoon-feeding for the last four years.

Bills receiver Lee Evans was shocked to find that the brown object that Trent Edwards repeatedly threw into his hands was in fact the football he’d always heard of, but had never seen while J.P. Losman was mucking things up behind center.

This just in: Osi Umenyiora just sacked Donovan McNabb again.

The Lions beat the Bears to death in the fourth quarter. The fourth quarter.

Usually, it’s the Bears doing the beating and the Lions doing the dying in the fourth. I mean, who can forget Marty Morninghweg winning the toss in overtime in Chicago and electing to kick?

This time, it was the Lions defense slapping the Bears around, and the Bears throwing the football into enemy hands.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter who quarterbacks the Bears, whether it be Kyle Orton, Rex Grossman, or Brian Griese, because whoever coaches them up ain’t doing it. And it sez so right here that this current Bears coaching staff is so inept at handling QBs that they could take Dan Marino, circa 1984, and mess him up too.

Nobody knows nothin'.

By the way, the guy that will embarrass them this weekend, Brett Favre? Remember, he was once a fat, out-of-shape, no discipline alcoholic with the Falcons before he became a Hall-Of-Famer with Green Bay.

But then, his coach in Atlanta was Jerry Glanville.

His coach in Green Bay was Mike Holmgren.

I ain’t saying Lovie Smith is a Jerry Glanville…but certainly ain’t a Mike Holmgren when it comes to the most important position in football.

This just in: Osi Umenyiora...okay, you get the point.

How distracted is Andy Reid in Philly? He was at the game, standing right there on the sidelines, watching as his offending, er, offensive coordinator (the benighted and aforementioned Morninghweg) did absolutely NOTHING to plug that gaping hole called Winston Justice at tackle.

The Giants had 12 sacks in that game, and it could have been 100. Rumor has it that McNabb went to the line of scrimmage, barked out signals, pointed at Umenyiora and said “Please, God, somebody block that man tonight!” before having the ball snapped…for all the good it did.

The problem here is two-fold. On the one hand, the Eagles played a right tackle in Winston Justice who could be replaced by a folding chair, the result being a marked improvement in quarterback protection…after all, at least the defensive end would have to check his headlong rush long enough to step over the chair in question. Umenyiora, no kidding, ran straight through Justice at least three times without so much as slowing down.

It sez so right here that the tape at the finish line slows runners down more than Justice slowed Umenyiora down on Sunday…but that’s only half the problem.

The other half of the problem is that Donovan McNabb is still broken. Very broken. You’d think that a guy under that much pressure would move a bit more in the pocket to avoid it, but McNabb currently runs slower than service at the DMV.

And the Eagles have absolutely no chance as long as McNabb is playing pop-up target behind center.

And this from a team that some internet blowhard picked to win the division.

Nobody knows nothin’.

So, uh, how much better are the Patriots than everyone else right now?

So much better that grown men who ought to know better are opining that they might be a legitimate threat to run the whole table and finish the season at a staggering 19-0.

It’s one thing when an idiot like me says that they could do it. It’s another thing entirely when guys like Peter King and Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated bring the subject up. That’s nearly 100 combined years of football wisdom daring to utter the words undefeated in the same sentence as the name Patriots.

And it’s not like we didn’t know that the Patriots were going to handle the Bungles, but man did they make it clear that they were playing at another level. They didn’t just beat Cincinnati, they summarily dismissed them.

The scary part is that Randy Moss hasn’t been this quiet since he was in the womb, even though Tom Brady doesn’t look to Moss any more than he looks to anyone else…Brady just puts it where Moss can catch it all the time.

The result is that one doesn’t have to have a “Randy Ratio.” One doesn’t have to tailor 40% of a given offense to Randy Moss if Tom Brady can maximize the 10 plays he might call for Randy in a given game.

And it doesn’t hurt when you can plug in the backup RB and still get a 100 yard rushing night.

Meanwhile, literally and figuratively on the opposite side of the field, the Bungles were busy imploding on semi-national cable t.v. Chad Johnson lost his mind when he went after Carson Palmer, as though Palmer has done anything but make Johnson look good. Palmer is only the finest Bengals QB since Kenny Anderson wore the black and orange many years ago, and Johnson had better shut his famous yap before he ends up like a nerd at the prom: all alone and surrounded by bullies.

Nothing wrong with the Cowboys. Nothing at all. Sure, they’ve slapped the dead around this season, but that’s what good teams do to bad teams (see: New England v. Cincinnati). Dallas can flat out score with anyone in football, including the vaunted Patriots, and they look like the preemptive favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.

(And not to continue to beat a dead Bear, but the Cowboys found and developed Tony Romo right around the same time that the Bears drafted Rex Grossman, and, after both had been with their teams for the same amount of time, Romo was ready to play when Drew Bledsoe’s warranty finally ran out. See, down in Big D, they have this funny idea that the quarterback kinda matters…unlike the Bears, whose franchise QB played his last game before a hillbilly truck driver from Memphis changed music forever.)

An open letter to San Diego Chargers GM A.J. Smith:

Dear Soon To Be Unemployed,

Norv Turner? Really?

See, it’s like I said: nobody knows nothin’.

Completely Pointless Debate

2007-10-02T02:28:00.000-07:00

(It would not surprise me at all if this post got more comments than any other post I've ever written...)

So I'm surfing the 'Net, cruising aimlessly, looking for stuff that only a geek like me can appreciate, when I run across the following debate:

Which superhero(es) could defeat Cthulhu?

While I like the author's initial premise, I find that he's not giving either Cthulhu or the heroes enough credit. The whole idea behind H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos is that we've barely averted disaster on a handful of occasions, that Cthulhu has devoted cults of fanatic followers that are doing everything within their ability to free Cthulhu from his underwater tomb at R'lyeh, and that if Cthulhu ever got loose on this plane, it'd be all the worst parts of various supernatural movies, but forever. Where I have trouble with Hicks' premise is that he wrongly assumes that Cthulhu would need anything from his followers once they sprung him. Worse, Hicks wastes a good portion of his debate examining whether or not the heroes in question could deal with the followers, when, if you think about it, the followers are little more than henchmen. And any hero that can't deal with henchmen needs to turn in his cape and mask immediately. Thus, for my purposes, the henchmen are not in this fight.

So, which comic book heroes could take Cthulhu single-handedly? I'll go league by league, starting with DC. And, for space considerations, I'm only going to go with the top 4. I will hear any arguments for anyone that I leave off...and that would be a lot of people. Here we go...

1. Superman. Beyond all question, Superman could destroy Cthulhu singlehandedly...but only if something got the Big Blue Boy Scout all riled up, like Cthulhu eating Lois Lane because she was too stupid to stay in Metropolis (again). Superman's invulnerability would be tested, as Cthulhu is magical and Supes is vulnerable to magic, and Superman's mental toughness would get challenged as well, as merely looking on the cosmic horror that is Cthulhu drives most people insane. Still, I'm thinking that Superman incinerates Cthulhu long enough to transport the remains into the Shadow Dimension.

2. Batman. Actually, I like the Bat to finish Cthulhu more than just about anyone in either universe, with the possible exception of the Ultimate Hulk. First off, Cthulhu breaking into our world would catch everyone else by surprise, but not him. Second, given his fanatical nature, he'd have already studied this foe on the off chance that he'd have to deal with it himself. Third, Batman is only troubled by scruples where human beings are concerned. In this case, as Cthulhu is a somewhat amorphous, incorporeal being who intends to subjugate all mankind to horrid tortures forever, the Bat takes a couple of AMRAAM Slammer air-to-air/surface missiles, gives them a nuclear payload, and bombs Cthulhu back to wherever it came from. And there's no problem with The Batman looking directly at Cthulhu and going mad, because The Batman is already mostly insane anyway...no creature can exists in conditions of constant reality, and The Batman is the ultimate realist, which pretty much makes him as loony as The Joker, only rationally so.

3. The Flash. The Flash might be able to do it, but he'd probably die in the attempt. He'd have to move at the outer limits of his speed to disassemble Cthulhu at the molecular level, but the cost of moving that fast would cause him to drift into that dimension that exists behind space and time, where he'd likely stay.

4. Captain Marvel. Marvel could definitely do it, because he's basically a magical version of Superman...and remember, Marvel is the one character that Superman just can't beat down physically. Marvel could call upon that magical lightning to destroy Cthulhu, while his invulnerability, being magically-based, would protect him much longer than Superman's could. The problem here is that Marvel/Billy Batson is still something of an innocent, and looking at Cthulhu raving might drive him mad.

And for the Marvel side...

1. The Hulk. Either version, regular or Ultimate, it doesn't matter. The Hulk, perhaps even more than Cthuhlu itself, completely embodies rage and chaos, and The Hulk leaves nothing but destruction in his wake. The Hulk would likely eat Cthulhu and show no ill effects from it, as we have discovered nothing that can kill him. The Hulk would have no worries about madness, as his mind is, at best, limited to seeing how badly he can destroy anything or anyone that dares to stand up to him.

2. Thor. Thor is one of the Gods of Asgaard, and is likely familiar with Cthulhu from previous acquaintances in other, more distant places. Thor has taken down gods like Loki, and dragons like Fafnir. His battle, given his particular idiom, would likely be epic, and would last several days before Thor used Mjolnir (his magic hammer) to utterly destroy the creature forever.

3. Dr. Strange. Stephen Strange, long a student of the occult before he became the master of all magic, would know about Cthulhu. Given his power, he'd likely have communicated directly with Cthulhu, warning it not to attempt to break through to this plane, or have him to deal with. Cthulhu being what it is, it wasn't going to take such a warning lying down. Strange, being what he is, banishes Cthulhu to some inescapable dimention where it will feed on itself forever.

And, uh, that's about it, really.

I can't wait to read the comments on this one...

Week 4 Prognostications...The Bruise Gets Larger

2007-09-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Van: If you have borne with me through the first three weeks of Bill's picks, well, Week 4 needs no introduction...egad...

The definition of dire straits is needing New Orleans to win on Monday night in order to beat Van that week. Wow, does New Orleans suck. Bleah.

Van: Actually, the definition of Dire Straits is Mark Knopfler and a lot of triple-scale union musicians…

Meanwhile, back in Van’s yurt, there’s a party goin’ on. Van and his hot wife are pounding jug after jug of cabbage brandy in celebration of Rex Grossman’s overdue demotion. Careful there, cowboy. It’s even worse on its way back up.

Please check out my website here to read Van’s hallucinations about the coming week.

Van: Last I checked, I’m hallucinating five games better than you at this point…but I digress…

Since I have some catching up to do in this little competition, I feel I must squash Van this week. And so I shall. Maestro?

Houston at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: Houston
For Michael Vick, life is the unholy union of Morrissey and Ice Cube - Every Day is Like Friday. He ain’t got no job, heaven knows he’s miserable now, and he’s gonna get high today. And high would be a huge step up for the tragically overcaffeinated DeAngelo Hall, who will miss the first half (?!) of this game after single-handedly losing last week’s game. Is it just me, or was Bobby Petrino frightened when Hall accosted him on the sideline last week? If you show up like a little bitch in front of your team, do they keep listening to you? Erm, hey Van, can I use the word “bitch” on our blog? Like, if I have a good reason? Man, I hope so, because I am going to need it for Brian Griese here in a minute. Anyway, Atlanta is a mess and will continue to lose games to better teams until we find a team that isn’t.

Van: (too busy laughing to post a comment) Hey, last I read, the Pope declared that all Protestant blogs aren’t real blogs…it’s what I heard, anyway, so write what you want, dude…

The Jets at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
I have a question. Who on their deeply questionable roster are the Bills paying so much that they are only carrying two quarterbacks? If your starting quarterback is J. P. Losman (no need to commit hara-kiri here, this is only hypothetical, unless you are a Bills fan, in which case go ahead), why do you not see the need for a more thorough contingency plan than rookie Trent Edwards? As long as Losman is shuffling around, wondering what routes his receivers are running, overthrowing guys over the middle and bouncing passes to his checkdown guys, the Bills will continue to lose…but God forbid he gets hurt.

Van: The scary thing is that we know nothing about Trent Edwards, other than his poll-attractive name if he were a candidate. Who knows? This guy might be Dan Marino…or Rex Grossman…such is the crapshoot that is drafting a quarterback.

Baltimore at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Ohio is the panacea, the snake oil of the NFL. If you want to regrow hair, fix your blocking scheme, or heal a pulled groin, just go play the Browns or the Bengals. Steve McNair gets to be 26 again, Willis McGahee gets to play at the U one more time, but since the Ravens, with very few exceptions, are not the Bengals, the Browns get no such benefit.

Van: All Derek Anderson did was give Brady Quinn one more week of prep before the Bye…

St. Louis at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
Tony Romo is a Jedi. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but my boy Dog says so, and so it must be true. Romo could be an Ewok and the ‘Boys would roll unchecked over the hapless Rams. See, the Rams used to be terrible, but then they lost Steven Jackson. Now they are something worse than terrible and traveling to play what is probably the NFL’s second-best team right now. Dallas is favored by 13, which theoretically means that half of the betting public would take the Rams and the points. I do not know precisely what this means for the next presidential election, but I am moving to New Zealand.

Van: If Tony Romo is a Jedi, then he’s Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan single-handedly beat the butts of Darth Maul, General Grievous, and Darth Vader (pre-suit!!)…in fact, in the last one, Obi-Wan is the whole reason Vader even needs the suit. For all that talk about the Skywalker family, Obi-Wan was the baddest of the Jedi.

Chicago at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Now that the Rex Grossman era is over, Bear fans should prepare themselves for their next great Inconvenient Truth: Brian Griese is not very good, either. He will look good for the next four weeks, and then you will find out why he has been cut by three different NFL teams, and why nobody has signed him to compete for a starting job since he got run out of Denver in favor of, seriously, Jake Plummer. Griese is a smart guy, but he has no arm and no balls. OK, I didn’t use “bitch,” but I did use “balls.” Remind me we need to set ground rules for these things, because I may want to use these words again sometime. Right now, da Bears are the team Searching for Trent Dilfer, and they think they have found him, but all they have really managed to do is upgrade from Grossman. Well, that’s something, anyway. This week, the upgrade is enough against a Detroit defense that could not keep Britney Spears out of Princeton.

Van: While I’d agree about Brit-Brit and Princeton, that wounded Bears defense isn’t going to do more than frisk Mo-Town receivers on their way to the end zone…my beloved Bears are awful.

Oakland at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Miami is at home. Last week I invented some rationale for choosing KC over Minnesota because it did not seem like enough to say that KC would win the battle of the offensive fleas because they were at home. See, everything would have been fine and I would have done it again for this game, but Van had to go and call me out last time, so there’s your analysis. Miami is at home.

Van: Uh, I said the same thing…dang it…

Green Bay at Minnesota
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
I have a bad feeling about this game, and I wanted to pick the Vikings, but they match up so incredibly poorly against the Packers that I cannot justify it. The Vikings have an incredible run defense – no problem. The Packers cannot run the ball and are not inclined to even try. The Packers have an elite defense. The Vikings have…Adrian Peterson. The Packers could put ten guys in the box and Travairious Jackson would never unravel it. I feel like Minnesota can win this game, but I cannot figure out how.

Van: Minnesota only wins this game if they are playing in one of those Legends Leagues, where the old Purple People Eaters are on defense and Ahmad Rashad hadn’t resigned himself to burying his nose in Michael Jordan’s buttcrack.

Tampa Bay at Carolina
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Picking this game is like choosing whether or not to accept a free vacation without knowing the destination or your fellow travelers. Maybe you are going to Vermont with your wife to see the fall colors. That’s nice. That’s Jake Delhomme. But maybe you are going to Amarillo with your in-laws for a tour of fast food restaurants. That’s David Carr. Now, I think it is pretty unlikely that Carr starts this game, but I am tempted to turn down the free vacation on the grounds that there is a chance. Both the Bucs and Panthers seem to be growing into their teams as the season goes on, and this is clearly round one of a two round bout to decide the NFC South (for those of us who have come to the painful recognition after three weeks that New Orleans would be hard-pressed to win a game, much less this division). Assuming Delhomme plays, the Panthers win, well, because they are at home.

Van: Tampa Bay’s best receiver is still Joey Galloway. Joey Friggin’ Galloway. Hell, I thought the guy was in WitSec for testifying against Rae Carruth…

Seattle at San Francisco
Bill’s Pick: San Francisco
These are both cities with great culture, wonderful seafood and peculiar weather. They both have superior independent record stores and storied local music scenes. Real estate is absurdly expensive in both places. You have to give the nod to San Francisco for being the superior walking city. And I do not like the Seahawks.

Van: This is why you lose to me every week. Not liking the Seahawks should have nothing to do with picking them when they are the better team. And they are the better team. You might want to note any sideline cameras on Mike Holmgren when he laughs at Darrell Jackson riverdancing through a route.

Pittsburgh at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Far from the friendly rust belt, three time zones away in the oppressive September heat, the Steelers walk in where everybody knows their names. All their names. And tendencies. Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm, purported in-house frontrunners for the Pittsburgh head job that went to Mike Tomlin, now prowl the sidelines for the Cardinals. The Cards have the knowledge and they have the heart. After storming back against the Ravens last week, Arizona gets it, and you can bet that Matt Leinart is on a shorter leash this week after Kurt Warner’s performance last week. Whisenhunt and Grimm can downplay this all they want, but you can bet they have been game-planning the Steelers since June.

Van: They can gameplan like The Belicheat, complete with the Wachowski Brothers filming in I-Max, and it won’t matter at all. They can gameplan like Wile E. Coyote and they still get run over by the train. God’s favorite QB might be Jon Kitna, but it sez so in Leviticus that He hates the Cardinals.

Denver at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
This should be interesting. Nobody has even tried to throw on the Broncos this season. The Bills, Raiders and Jags totaled 58 pass attempts in three games. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that changes this week. Last year, after nibbling for a half, the Colts blew up at Invesco field, exposing a Bronco defense that had been the league’s stingiest. After brutal first-round playoff beatings in 2003 and 2004, the Donkeys re-tooled their entire defense just for the Colts. A perusal of the Broncos’ injury report turns up about half of their secondary. Champ Bailey is healthy, but as the Colts proved last year, it is not that hard to throw to the other side of the field.

Van: Mark it on your calendar – both Bill and I have picked against our teams. Then again, one of us is down five games to the other, and the other is trying to grow that lead. Loyalties fall by the wayside when victory is at stake.

Kansas City at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
After a brutal early season tour of the NFL’s best teams, San Diego’s bye week comes early. Green Bay, New England and Chicago have provided three entirely separate blueprints for beating the Bolts (disregarding for the moment that the Bears gacked it up in the final twelve minutes), but the Chefs do not have the personnel to avail themselves of any of these plans. Good thing, too, because if KC had any plan at all and the wherewithal to execute it, Norv Turner would never adjust. A couple of weeks ago, one of the networks showed a bunch of pictures of Norv and his little brother (Chicago offensive coordinator Ron) growing up. Bears and Chargers fans should all be concerned (this means you, Van) because in all of the pictures, from birth to freshman basketball to weddings, they both look completely vacant. It’s weird. I guess I have to say about this game what a lot of people (this means you, Van) said about this season: even Norv can’t screw this up.

Van: What, me worry? I’ve got a QB in Chicago that’s one beer from a relapse and a running back in Chicago that makes me yearn for those halcyon days with Curtis Enis in the backfield…and while San Diego can indeed screw it up, KC can screw it up a lot worse.

Philadelphia at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Apparently, I was a week ahead of the curve complaining about throwback uniforms. See, Van, you clowned me and now I am vindicated. Now sports. Even after they finally showed up for a game, I cannot rid my head of the vision of the G-men uniting to quit against the Packers. I thought Donovan and the Iggles were better than they were showing, that they had a competent offense camouflaged by their inability to break 20 points. So on the one hand, they hung 56 points in week three, and on the other it was against the Lions. Without knowing which of the four teams playing this game might show up, you have to return to square one, which is simply that Philly has the superior team. If they both play to their highest capabilities, the Eagles win this by two touchdowns.

Van: Given a choice here, I’d almost rather hit my thumb with a hammer. Twice. And make that a sledgehammer. And let John Henry his own self swing it. If you are the demented sort that reads both Bill’s picks and mine, you’ll note that my metaphor for this game was haggis versus lutefisk. John Henry, swing away…

New England at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: New England
I think that Cincinnati can score on New England’s defense and that Carson Palmer can continue to put up absurd numbers, but I also think it will be completely out of necessity. The Bengals defense is just a suggestion. If the Ravens’ defense is a law, the Bengals’ D is a helpful hint. Palmer and Johnson and Houshmanzadeh will get their numbers, but it will be because they are constantly 21 points down.

Van: The Bungle’s defense isn’t even a suggestion as much as it’s a lewd comment to a minor. A first class berth aboard a cruise ship might mistreat guests more than Cincinnati’s defense, but not by much. The Natty’s defense is softer than Cedric Benson, and HE’S softer than the judges on America’s Next Top Model. I mean, this is the joke that keeps on giving, kinda like Kofi Annan’s Scams For (His) Kids…okay, I’m done. So’s Bill, by the way…heh heh heh…

Quick Slants - Week 3

2007-09-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

Rex Grossman sucks.

There, my grip on the obvious is as firm as ever.

On Sunday night, in front of God and three other white men, Rex Grossman puked on his jersey.

(For Bill and Marin, that was what we in the English department like to call a metaphor. See, Rex didn't really puke on his jersey, but he played really horribly, AS THOUGH he'd puked on his jersey. Get it?)

And, truth be told, if he'd puked on his jersey it might have taken the attention away from that vomit-inducing stat line of his.

How bad? Joey Harrington (!!) outperformed him. By a mile. Harrington completed 70% of his passes in a real football game against men who were trying to knock the fashion sense out of him.

Grossman, on the other hand, couldn't complete 70% of his passes in a drill.

Speaking of drills and getting drilled, that thud you heard was the Lions falling back to earth in Philly. Maybe it was Donovan McNabb doing what the great ones do, responding to criticism by playing lights-out, or (more likely) it was the blindingly-ugly throwups, er, throwbacks that the Eagles were wearing, but boy-oh-boy the Eagles got well in a hurry.

So, uh, how's that whole Norv Turner thing working out in San Diego?

The guy is a disaster as a head coach...we get that. What we don't get is that this guy is way more than competent as an offensive coordinator, and he gets God's own running back in LaDainian Tomlinson, and yet arch-conservative Marty Schottenheimer was a LOT better at getting LT pointed north-and-south than Ol' Norv is...

The Belicheat has gotten Tom Brady and Randy Moss on the same page...sheeesh...the way those two are playing right now, The Belicheat could fax his game plan to the other team's defense and it would still be like the Coyote's parasol under an avalanche.

This just in - the feds are on the steroid case. Big time. As I write this, news is breaking of a major drug bust that encompassed several different countries, including the good ol' U.S. of A., and resulted in the seizure of millions of dollars of 'roids and HGH and the like...and names.

Lots and lots of names.

Hundreds of thousands of names, the reports kept saying. Hundreds of thousands.

One civic-minded district attorney in New York State found a handful of big-name pro athletes when he aggressively investigated one crooked doctor's office in Florida.

How many athletes in how many sports are about to get outed now?

Paraphrasing Morpheus, we're about to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Kansas City sleepwalked to victory over Minnesota thanks to a really bad replay call. In other news, pocket lint will have as much effect on this season as the result of this game.

Say this much for Houston: yes, they really miss Andre Johnson, but no, they didn't quite roll over and die for the undefeated Super Bowl champs.

And say this much for Indy: The Only Colt Who Really Matters wasn't too pleased with the victory. And that's a good thing if you're a Colt fan...heck, it's a good thing if you like good football, because the truly great ones are never satisfied with merely winning, but with total domination. The Colts didn't dominate, and Peyton Manning wasn't happy about it.

AFC Championship Game, Round 1: November 4, New England at Indianapolis.

AFC Championship Game, Round 2: Whoever wins Round 1 will likely host Round 2 in the playoffs.

And if it weren't for the fact that Indy and New England play each other in the regular season, we might have had two undefeated teams this season.

As it is, these two won't be chasing the ghosts of the '72 Dolphins as much as home field advantage throughout the playoffs...and it might take running the table to get it done this season.

On the other end of the spectrum, Jacksonville finally won a game. Now there are only five teams left in the 0-16 derby, with the winless Saints yet to play the Tennessee Titans. As difficult as it is to go undefeated, it may be even more difficult to go winless. In the Super Bowl era (not counting the strike season of 1982), only the legendary Tampa Bay Suckaneers managed to keep their zero unblemished for an entire season.

In the same era, 14 other teams, most recently Carolina in 2001, have managed to win only 1 game all season.

It sez so right here that the Falcons go the distance without a win. They got a great game from Joey Harrington and they still lost. If the Falcons can't win when Joey Ballgame is having Joe Montana flashbacks, they have a snowflake's chance in Satan's zip code of winning when he's playing to his historical (read: bad) form.

There's been a Ronnie Brown sighting in Miami, which means we can take the roadblocks down now...

Before the season started, I liked the Bears to go 13-3. At this rate, they'll go 3-13...

But I can take some solace in the fact that Bronco fans are contemplating jumping off ski lifts after their beloved Orange got Crushed by Jacksonville (snicker).

Hey, don't think I'm done flagellating myself over that sickening Bears loss, especially when I haven't even addressed the running back debacle. See, the current guy, Cedric Benson, is soft. SOFT. Johnny Mathis soft. NASA-approved foam cushioning for mattresses soft. Jell-O Pudding soft.

The guy the Bears traded, Thomas Jones, is not soft. He ran like a man looking to start trouble in the Jets victory this weekend; wherever the biggest guys were, Jones ran right at them and knocked them over.

Benson, on the other hand, ran like a co-ed in a panty raid, all screaming and giggly and in circles hoping someone might catch him, which they did all afternoon.

Between Grossman completing more passes to the other team than to one of his starting wideouts (or tight ends, for that matter) and Benson running like a block of quartz in a box, the Bears offense is truly offensive.

...and I'm OUT like half the Bears defense...gaaaaaah...

Week 3 Prognostications - You Do The Math

2007-09-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Van: Once again, Bill's picks are only offered for entertainment purposes...or, in the case of this week's picks, for morbid curiosity...and I'm still four games up! People who like money can find my picks here.

Scientology works. At least better than whatever I did in week one. After Van scraped together a tie with an unwatchable Monday night win, he is feverishly looking anywhere for inspiration to avoid the unavoidable tsunami of knowledge I am building.

Van: Dude, quit stealing from Hedley LaMarr of “Blazing Saddles” fame…

Meanwhile, no more scientology for me. I want whatever Jon Kitna’s drinking.

Ahem…roll the beatdown.

Arizona at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
You know when you’re grilling chicken, it gets to be that appetizing light tan color, so you cut into it to make sure you aren’t poisoning your family and it’s that weird translucent, iridescent color in the middle? You know what that means? Your chicken isn’t ready. Neither are the Cardinals. Although Matt Leinart has suffered only a single sack, that is illusion. The Cardinals’ run-blocking has been legitimately fine, but their pass-blocking remains horrific. Leinart has spent his first two games trying to pass out of a pocket the size of a wine glass, and sixty minutes in Baltimore should expose the truth.

Van: I haven’t seen a backpedal this fine since ol’ Neon Deion was patrolling passing lanes a decade or so ago. All of a sudden, Arizona ain’t “all that.” Imagine that. Not like I haven’t been calling them a fraud all season or anything, mind you…

St. Louis at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tampa Bay
I have no basis to pick this game at all. The fact is that I have not seen a minute of a Tampa Bay game this year – bad teams from other hemispheres just don’t get a lot of air time in the Mountain Time Zone. The weird thing is that I have barely seen highlights of the first two Bucs games. This is like living in the 80’s again, when I knew James Wilder’s stats backward and forward and was totally convinced that e was one of my favorite players, but had never actually seen him play. At all. Ever. Here is what I know from context clues, and you can tell me if I am wrong: the Bucs are better than the sum of their parts. Jeff Garcia, Joey Galloway, Cadillac Williams…not that good. I am not sure who is playing defense, but I can see that I counted out Monte Kiffin too soon. Meanwhile, the Rams suck. They should not, but they do. Any week now, they might turn it around, but the prudent gentleman gambler will not play them until they do. As always, I will controvert my own philosophy later in this edition.

Van: You took a lot of time away from good people to say that Chucky avoids the axe this week; you should be ashamed.

San Francisco at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is playing really well, Roethlisberger looks way better than ever before and the Tomlin era is going great. That’s great. Cheers. What was up with the Steelers’ god-awful throwback unis? San Diego puts on those sweet Lance Alworth powder blues with the number on the helmet and deludes the rest of the league into thinking this is a good idea. The Broncos should leave the vertically-striped socks in the closet and the Steelers should leave their past buried as well. The White Sox never wear shorts. Do you think the 2034 Vikings are going to wear whizzinators?

Van: See, this is what I’ve always suspected: that a fashionista lurks beneath that football exterior. I mean, not that anything’s wrong with it, you know, don’t ask, don’t tell and all that, but when the only criticism you can level is at color schemes and cod-pieces, well, the gay-dar goes to Threat Level Orange just to be safe…

Detroit at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
Dear Philadelphia: shut up. No, seriously, shut the hell up. Your backup quarterback is Kevin Kolb. I don’t even have to elucidate which Kevin Kolb I am talking about, because every Kevin Kolb on the planet Earth is equally prepared to play quarterback in the NFL right now. Besides, you have bigger problems. This week, you have a game against God. Up to this point, God had never shown any affection for the city of Detroit, then all-of-a-sudden-like, BOOM, he heals Jon Kitna. Jon is HEEEEALED. Jesus’ blessing is upon Detroit. Finally. And Old Testaments curses are on Minneapolis, I guess. Not being a theologian (at least not like Kitna or Reverend Applewhite), I cannot tell you exactly what it takes to beat God, but Philly probably needs a healthy Bryan Westbrook, and they do not have one.

Van: You want theology? Check John Calvin vs. Jacob Arminius (Calvin won that one 5-0, and it wasn’t that close)…or perhaps Augustine vs. Pelagius (again, blowout of Church-changing proportions). You want spelling? Check NFL.com, where, last I heard, the Eagles were hoping that BRIAN Westbrook would help the offense. And, for the record, he won’t…because an atrophied Donovan McNabb is still the QB until he’s irretrievably broken. And the sooner the better, for the familially-challenged Andy Reid…

Miami at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Trent Green woke up last week and found himself in a warm climate with an offensive-minded coach and some actual receivers. Chad Pennington will wake up this week with a bad wheel and his generation’s best pass rusher in town. Who would you rather be?

Van: I’d rather be myself, with a 4-game (and growing) cushion over the junior varsity…

Buffalo at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Do you really need an explanation for why the Pats beat the Bills at home?

Van: That’s just lazy, dude…all of three people read my blog, and you’ve disrespected all of them. The good news is that your sister will pimp-slap you at Thanksgiving, to the sound of applause. My own sister will read this and not realize that she took a beating until the swelling starts to rise underneath her eye…heh heh heh…

Minnesota at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
This is a matchup of marquee offenses showcasing their first ballot quarterbacks, Damon Huard and Tavrereous Jackson. Jackson has a better line, Huard has a better running back, and in a special promotion celebrating the one hundred twenty-eighth year of football in this country, I, William L. Bryan, will be the number one wide receiver for both teams. I will personally attempt to do what no other receiver has done this year, which is to stop these noble quarterbacks’ throws before they get either to the other team or to the grass. The Chefs get the nod because LJ can play any position better than anyone on the Vikings’ offense except Steve Hutchinson.

Van: Stop it. You picked KC because they were at home, just like I did. I just have the bolss to admit it.

Indianapolis at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Houston is one Andre Johnson knee sprain away from winning this game. Johnson offered to make both Matt Schaub and David Carr look good, the difference being that Schaub accepted. This is a better Texan team than the one that beat the Colts at Reliant in Week 16 last year. As much attention as Schaub has received (much of it for not being Michael Vick), the stars of this show are the Texan defenders. As much praise as I care to lavish upon Houston, the 2007 edition is crippled without the quick-strike capability that Johnson gave them. Expect a lot of guys in the box, a lot of blitzing and a lot of press coverage from the Colts, and expect a pretty fair measuring stick for the Houston D.

Van: Something to consider: try reading a NEWSPAPER before writing. The only people still counting on the possibility that Andre Johnson will play are the hyper-paranoids on Indianapolis’ defensive coaching staff, a group that might not have taken Lavrentiy Beria for being a little too loose-lipped…egad…

San Diego at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Any boost the Packers accepted from last week’s play date with the G-Men is self-delusion. Until the Giants quit in the third quarter (oh, and they did quit), the Packers offense struggled, just as they did in week one against an Eagles team whose defense is also suspect. The 38 points the Patriots hung on the Bolts are not indicative of the Packers’ abilities. All that said, I am a little concerned about San Diego, and particularly their leadership. With exceptional leaders Junior Seau, Drew Brees and Marty Schottenheimer all gone in the past couple of years, who points this team in the right direction? I bought Norv Turner (albeit at a deep discount), but no I am suffering some buyer’s remorse.

Van: Green Bay plays the varsity this weekend…and gets properly wedgie’d for their cheek…

Cincinnati at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
All of Cincinnati watched through their fingers as the Bengals’ defense settled all of its unanswered questions from week one by running around the field naked performing show tunes and forgetting choreography. The good news is that their O ran wild over the very slightly less helpless Browns D, effectively announcing a season-long track meet. Fun to watch, but it’s never too early to write them in for an ignominious first-round playoff loss to a team who, you know, runs the ball and plays defense. Expect Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander and Deion Branch to look rejuvenated, cavorting like football is fun again, but do not expect them to be quite fast enough to beat Carson Palmer and company in the day’s final heats. This week, Van and I will be playing to see who gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator next week.

Van: What Bill didn’t tell you is that the LOSER gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator against the signal-stealing Patriots next weekend. I’d tell you what the winner gets to do, but modesty prevents. Suffice it to say that it begins with insulting Bill a fourth time (to paraphrase the Fronch knnnnnnigit of Holy Grail fame)…and, well, that might be enough.

Cleveland at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
This is a matchup of the two teams that showed us the most in week two. The Raidas have heart, something we have been unable to say until Gruden jumped ship, and the Browns have…something. 51 points is a lot. I have to consult my sister for sure, but it is at least an assload, all greater designations being unprintable. Even after you deduct reasonable percentages for flukiness and a horrid defense, it is still a ton of points. Oakland’s defense is a lot tougher than Cincinnati’s, and with each passing week, Daunte Culpepper is closer to being ready to play. For some reason, I watch Lamont Jordan and think he can play and nobody else does. I am willing to accept that I am wrong, as opposed to everybody else (because that would be arrogant), but I still think it. I will take heart and a steady running game over an inexplicable one week explosion, but the truly remarkable thing here is that I actually want to watch this game. By the way, isn’t it time the Browns stopped wearing their throwback uniforms, too?

Van: HAH! The truth comes out! NOW I know how the Guy That Couldn’t Shoot Straight tied me last weekend…he’s consulting his sister. (Sisssster…Obi Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you won’t turn to the Dark Side, then perhaps she will…)

Jacksonville at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
It may be time to admit the Jags look awful. It might be unfair to place it all at the feet of their petty and vindictive head coach, but maybe not. Jack Del Rio is the only guy in America who thinks David Garrard is better than Byron Leftwich, Fred Taylor is better than Maurice Jones-Drew, and Ernest Wilford is better than Reggie Williams. As a former linebacker, is it possible he cannot develop or deploy offensive talent? Or perhaps that he has a weird, Jungian, imbedded hatred of offense generally? Meanwhile, the Broncos will struggle to their third straight get well game. What happens when our heroes play a decent team, maybe one who regularly slaps them around like Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver? Stay tuned as they travel to Indianapolis in Week Four.

Van: (Col: Why do you have ‘born to kill’ on your helmet, and a peace symbol on your body armor? Private Joker: Sir…I don’t know, sir. Col: Son, you better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant sh*t on you. Private Joker: Sir, I was making a statement about the duality of man. Col: What? Private Joker: You know, the Jungian thing, sir. Col: You really need to stop listening to Bill Bryan. He may be the only man in this hemisphere capable of misspelling “embedded” and misusing “Jungian” in the same sentence. Stick with me, son. Help the good guys. Shoot the bad guys. And pick the winner like we were paying you to use fewer words.)

The Giants at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Dear Mr. Mara: fire Tom Coughlin. Do it now. No NFL team has quit like your boys did since the 2002 New Orleans Saints, and Tom Benson had to watch Jim Haslett coach a very talented football team to a 19-29 record in three more seasons before determining that he was not the guy. I always figured Haslett had pictures of Benson and the goat. Put down the goat, Mr. Mara. Do not give in to petty blackmail. Your guys did not quit on Coughlin, don’t get that twisted, but neither did Coughlin keep them from quitting. Nobody wants to go 0-16. Fire Coughlin now.

Van: Wanting to go 0-16 and actually going 0-16 have NOTHING to do with each other, and the G-Men are doing everything in their power to take the old Suckaneers off the SHNIDE…not to rub anything in, you understand…

Carolina at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Joey Harrington looked OK last week. Is this the newly competent Harrington we saw in preseason or the bumbling Jags’ D we saw in week one? Ask me again next week. Meanwhile, Carolina shuffles around with their usual early season indifference. We have this buddy, The Walrus, for whom picking up women is so simple as to be uninteresting, so he handicaps himself. Rather than beginning a conversation at ground level, he digs himself a hole to see if he can get out of it and then get the girl to go home with him. For instance, he might approach a woman and tell her that her outfit makes her look fat, and then try to pick her up. Such is the Panther Way. Anybody can go 13-3 and get to the playoffs, but it’s a lot more titillating to start 2-6 and then see if you can make the playoffs.

Van: First it’s color schemes. Now, it’s The Walrus. What are you really trying to say, Bill? Really? I mean, I’m there for ya, but, like Eddie Murphy said, after the game I’m gonna have the beer…

Dallas at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Chicago and their JV backfield had better duck. Da Bears get the nod by virtue of playing in Soldier Field, but in matchup terms, the ‘Boys have more edges here than a ninja star. Tony Romo and his offensive line have done a superior job the first two weeks of creating and using great big airstrip-looking passing lanes, and while they will find Tommie Harris harder to move than a gun safe (if you’ve ever tried, you know), this is where the Bears miss cuddly ole Tank Johnson. If Dallas wants to win, they had better not expect great things from some of the slow-developing plays they have been running, but they have most of what they need to go into Chitown and steal one.

Van: This is a classic liberal Democrat, Hilary Clinton-Rodham flip-flop. You vote FOR Chicago, but only AFTER giving every possible reason to vote for Dallas. (Senator John Kerry: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”) This way, no matter who wins, you can try to spin the sound-bite of your choice and appeal to the middle. (Chicago wins? Oh, yes, I picked them. Dallas wins? You’ll remember that I said yada yada yada Ninja throwing stars yada yada yada…)

Tennessee at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I realize this looks more like dogmatic fever than football analysis, but the fact is that I cannot see anything wrong with New Orleans and I know exactly what is wrong with Tennessee. This is not to say that the Ain’ts have been anything short of ludicrous, I just cannot say why (I mean, their O-line can’t play dead, I get that, but they should be able to). The Tuxedoes have too many eggs in one basket – Vince giveth and Vince taketh away. Vince pulls out his stuff and clanks all the way down the field, leading a heroic charge only to throw a mind-numbing interception or take a childish penalty to set the whole thing aflame. My confusion buys New Orleans one more week on the dole. They get the benefit of the doubt that the Rams do not because I am capricious, unreliable and inconsistent. By the way, in 2000 I got 12 Saints games wrong. It got to be like that scene from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead where they’re flipping coins, winner keeps it, it comes up heads 860 times in a row but the guy who is losing keeps guessing tails because it has to be eventually.

Van: You’re just wrong. Take your medicine like a man, because you’re just wrong. It only took you 200 words to be wrong, but who’s to stop a man from putting six bullets into the revolver and volunteering to play Russian roulette first? Like John Creasy said, the bullet never lies…

Quick Slants - Week 2

2007-09-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

Derek Anderson?

Left for dead after the weekend: New Orleans, St. Louis, Buffalo, New York Giants, Atlanta, Miami, Oakland, Kansas City, New York Jets, and Philadelphia.

Only the 1993 Cowboys (Emmitt Smith holdout) and the 2001 Patriots (Tom Brady replaces an obviously concussed Drew Bledsoe) started a season 0-2 and won a Super Bowl, and of the previous list of losers, only the Saints could turn things around with 14 games left on the schedule.

That said, you just can’t lose to Tampa Bay and expect to be considered a contender.

Derek Anderson?

Early surprises at 2-0 include Green Bay, Detroit, Houston, and San Francisco…however, full disclosure demands that I dispense with my customary modesty and state plainly that I expected big things from both Houston and San Francisco (it sez so right here), so count me among the not-so-surprised.

And as far as Green Bay and Detroit go, I’ll be more impressed with them when I see them against the varsity. The Houston Texans beat Carolina at Carolina (thanks for the globe, Bill…jerk…), and that counts as impressive any way you slice it. Detroit has beaten Oakland and Minnesota, and one would be hard pressed to make up one good team out of the two of them. As for Green Bay, their victories over the corpses in Philly and New York (NFC) ought to count as forfeits.

Derek Anderson?

The way the Bears play, their offense ought to be considered special teams, because they basically stay on the field long enough to give Devin Hester and the defense a breather.

Speaking of which…

Memo to the NFL: DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO DEVIN HESTER. Unless your coverage team includes Pietro Maximoff and Barry Allen (comic book references!), you will NOT catch him. The two fastest guys I’d ever seen on a football field were Deion Sanders and Michael Vick, and Hester is easily in that class of speed burner, period.

And not to gush, but how many times have we watched a game and seen the kick returner dance around indecisively or, worse, make the wrong cut when the right one seemed so obvious to those of us not being chased by ten angry men at full speed? When Hester makes his cut, he makes it once, and always for wherever there’s nothing between him and the end zone but air and opportunity.

And if you’re Herm Edwards, and Hester has been running sprints past your defense all afternoon, you are guilty of being under the influence of Belichick-ian arrogance or weapons-grade stupid for kicking the ball anywhere in Hester’s zip code.

Derek Anderson?

Yes, faithful reader, I do seem to be backpedaling a bit on some teams…but don’t get it twisted; Tampa Bay only won last weekend because the Trousers of Time got twisted and an alternate reality manifested itself on our plane of existence…and we’re just lucky it was the one where they won, because there was another one where they were moving to score a touchdown when everyone in the stadium turned into werewolves and the Lycanthrope Holocaust began…

You know that I’ve been giving Houston all sorts of man-love this season. Now we’ll see what kind of team they have, because all-stud WR Andre Johnson has a sprained knee. I like the Texans to rise up above this and not tank like the Panthers do when their best receiver inevitably breaks something.

And there ain’t anything wrong with Dallas. Yes, they haven’t beaten anyone of note. Yes, their defense remains somewhat suspect. But this is a team that has scored 82 points in their first two games, and all of it at will. Yes, New England and Indianapolis look strong early, but if the Cowboys can get anything going defensively, they might make real trouble. (And if I say “Yes” again, I win the Marv Albert Memorial Cliché Trophy! YES!)

Just a thought: free agent defensive tackle Tank Johnson will become eligible after Week 8…and he and the Cowboys have been seen passing notes to each other during Study Hall…I wonder how much of an effect he might have in the middle of a playoff run for what looks like a surefire contender in the NFC?

Derek Anderson?

Sometimes, I’m so good it’s scary…remember me saying something about Jay Cutler providing a lot of excitement last weekend, and some of it unintended? I know of a Bronco fan who will publicly remind everyone that The Ol’ Horsetoothed Used Car Salesman His Own Self was capable of making the same stupid play in the fourth quarter that Cutler made…and that it was only when Elway got really old that he stopped shooting himself in his pigeon-toed feet.

Yes, Denver won, and yes (thanks, Marv), they are 2-0. But Bronco fans had better watch their games with some Pepto Bismol handy…

You are Mike Holmgren, grand poobah of all things football in Seattle. You have a very good quarterback in place, a decent-to-good defense, and a franchise running back in place. You even took this team to the Super Bowl recently. But it sez so right here that you can’t lose to Arizona early, not this season, not ever, and expect to contend.

I’ll call it the Curse of the Cardinals: any team that loses to the Cardinals in the first two games of the season will not win that season’s championship, period. And yes (thanks, Marv), you can look it up.

Derek Anderson?

Okay, okay, I’ll finally talk about it.

It’s Saturday, and you tell Cincinnati head coach Marvin Lewis that his Bengals will hang 45 on Cleveland. If it’s live t.v., or if there’s a reporter within a hundred miles of that conversation, he denies it vigorously and says all the right things about respecting an opponent and yada yada yada.

If we had a camera in his heart, he’d be smirking, “45? ONLY 45? Yeah, I could see that…if I called the dogs off in the third quarter…”

It’s Tuesday. The Bengals hung 45 on Cleveland and LOST. And you want to know what has been repeating through ol’ Marv’s muddled head for the last 48 hours?

Derek Anderson?

Derek By-God Anderson?

That's why we love the NFL: blind squirrels and random acorns...

…and I’m OUT like Donovan McNabb in about two weeks…

Yes!

Week 2 Prognostications...Bill Gets Spanked Again

2007-09-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

Van: You'd think that after the beating Bill took last weekend (me: 12-4, Bill: 8-8) that he'd have learned his lesson, but nooooo, he's right back for some more. Some guys never learn...

Congratulations. Very nice, Van. You won Secretary’s Week.

Week One in the NFL is historically a mess, a week you can look back on at the end of the season and wonder how it happened. For those of you with an office pool, who won? Was it the former linebacker or the roto-geek? Nope. It was the woman who swore off football when Kenny Stabler retired, the woman who wonders why L.A. is not playing this week, the woman who picks her favorite cities, the woman who asked you, “What color are Tennessee’s uniforms?” Yup. Secretary’s Week.

Van: What? The sun was in your eyes? You didn’t know it was flaxseed oil? You had no idea what your cousin was doing at your house? Yada. Yada. Yada.

So enjoy it, Mr. Walker, but welcome back to this planet. I’m afraid you will find it different than you left it.

To view Van’s fantastical Week Two notions, along with my always very rational refutations, please visit my website here.

Houston at Carolina
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Houston’s week one victory only means that they can beat one of the NFL’s worst teams at home. Until they prove something, anything, we must assume that they still unprepared to beat a playoff-caliber team on the road. The Panthers’ resurgent defense shut down Steven Jackson, so 52 year-old Ahman Green should not present a lot of challenge.

Van: The Panthers shut down Steven Jackson because the Rams O-line is broken. St. Louis is a fraud. Matt Schaub continues to twist the knife in Rich McKay’s gut as Houston pulls of what should not be considered an upset.

Cincinnati at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
In order to get revenge on Pittsburgh for their week one whacking, Cleveland cleverly traded away their starting quarterback. In chess, this tactic would have a name, like “The Al Davis Gambit” or “The Complete Dumbass Maneuver.” Did you see Phil Savage protest too much about how they are actually trying to win games? Cincinnati is coming off of a huge Monday Night win that answered absolutely nothing about their team. Can their defense stop a team that does not regularly hand them the ball for no reason? This would have been a trap, a great opportunity for a Cleveland upset, but Phil Savage had to try to recreate his great Lawyer Milloy victory of 2003. The difference is that the Browns are not a winner, not champions, and they will be at least to Saturday walk-throughs before they can keep anything in their heads but “what the hell was that?” The Browns’ season is doomed.

Van: This one’s so obvious, even Bill couldn’t mess it up…Travis Henry and his nine kids by nine different women could beat the Browns right now.

Atlanta at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
After playing the submissive for Tennessee’s running game, the Jags get a week back in the lab to figure out what they did wrong and then a scrimmage against the I-AA Falcons to test it all out. Last week was one of those famous, weird first week outliers; unfortunately, after bullying the clueless Falcons, the Jags will enter week three still having no idea who they are.

Van: The Falcons have been circling the drain since April…and we already know who the Jags are: a bottom-tier team in what we thought was a top-loaded conference.

Green Bay at The Giants
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
The G-Men flashed both style and substance before falling to the ‘Boys last week, and although I believe they are a better team than the Packers, and although I like them at home, the Giant quarterback question has no answer. The worst idea in Tom Coughlin’s bountiful stash of bad ideas is to start Eli Manning with a separated throwing shoulder. Brian Griese played most of a season in that condition in Denver, and the savvy football fan learned that a passing game that only extends eight yards down the field is easy to defend. The second worst idea is starting Jared Lorenzen. It may have escaped your attention, but Lorenzen is fat. Big and fat. Goofy fat. He may be down from the reported 320 he weighed at Kentucky, but he is still fat. Maybe that’s okay, because there is really no precedent (guys like Billy Kilmer, who played in the Pleistocene era, do not count), but I am guessing it is not. I am guessing we are about to find out there is a reason that there are no fat NFL quarterbacks. I want to take the Giants, but see no way around their quarterback, whoever he is, losing them a game here.

Van: Fat QB Precedent, Modern Era: Jim Miller, Steelers and Bears. There may have been nothing funnier than Miller, with a body built by copious amount of suds, getting busted for steroids when he was a Bear.

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
It’s tough to play in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh looked great last week and Buffalo did not and I am sure we all agree on this game. So naturally, I do not want to talk about this game. Surely, everyone has been following the Kevin Everett story. Since you have been following this, you know that Bills owner Ralph Wilson has pumped millions of dollars into spinal cord injury research and had the team and medical staff prepared for such an injury. Wilson is a model of positive karma, but more importantly, shouldn’t he be running FEMA?

Van: Two encouraging things to take from this story: one, Everett was able to respond to his mother’s touch. With every report of his extremities moving, I get more and more hopeful. Two, as Bill rightly pointed out, we may now have the blueprint for reacting quickly to spinal cord injuries, not just on the football field, but everywhere. As far as FEMA, there’s nothing wrong with FEMA. Kanye West told us that FEMA works; it's just that Bush hates black people, and if Kanye West said it, it must be true, right?

San Francisco at St. Louis
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
It might be some kind of weird optical illusion from being on the field with the Cardinals, but the Niners’ defense looked positively competent in week one. Here is a vote for the Cardinal Effect (a corollary to the Raider Effect). When San Fran steps on the field with a veteran offense, they will have the valuable opportunity to gauge their real-life improvement, and I am guessing it is not enough. Do not expect Steven Jackson to lay low for long.

Van: Steven Jackson won’t lay low for long. He’ll get knocked down behind the line of scrimmage, get back up, go to his huddle, get his number called, get the ball, and get knocked down again behind the line of scrimmage because of that giant, gaping hole where Orlando Pace used to be. It’ll be close for a while, until the Rams defense gets tired, then the Niners pull away.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
OK, so I was wrong about the Saints last week. Really, really wrong. Rather than learning as civilized beings do, I am going to stubbornly repeat my mistakes until I get the law of averages eventually makes me right. It’s not so much insane as…subsane. I am a little bearish on Seattle, but I was still puzzled that Tampa hung with them as well as they did. While Tampa will definitely win games this year, they are on the short list of teams for whom I can see no reason to win any.

Van: The Ashes Formerly Known As Jason David provide the only real counterpoint to the Patriot Games scandal in New England; David was a Colt for three seasons who practiced against Reggie Wayne every week. He knew what was coming and he still had no answer for it. That said, there is still no excuse for cheating…or for picking a Saints team on the road against a Super Bowl participant. Did you learn nothing from the butt-kicking Chicago put on them last season in the NFC Title Game?

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
I am on record as not believing in Vince and the Titans, but more importantly I will be picking Indianapolis until further notice. I know a beatdown when I see one.

Van: Just like a bad gambler, you’re chasing a bad bet with a worse one. You didn’t pick the Colts in what was a gimme, but now you’re standing behind them in a game that no wiseguy would touch with your money. Come Monday morning, the talking heads will all wonder if the Colts are a mirage after this loss.

Seattle at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
The Cardinals looked grittier Monday night than they have…maybe ever. Both their defense and running game showed up for a game, which would be a major victory for new head guy Ken Whisenhunt if he was not a purported offensive genius. While all that has ever been wrong with the Cards looked great, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin may or may not have even played. Now that Arizona is actually selling tickets, they have a chance to try out their new home-field advantage.

Van: Last week it was Atlanta, a pick which automatically qualifies you for bi-weekly, unannounced urinalysis. Now you’re picking Arizona. ARIZONA. Their offensive line couldn’t block your sinuses. And unless you’ve forgotten the Oakland lesson of last season, your best lineman should be wearing a helmet and not a headset. The only way O-line coach Russ Grimm helps this team is if he suits up and calls the rest of the Hogs back into action because these guys could be replaced by orange traffic cones without any discernible difference in the offense.

Minnesota at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
After games against Atlanta and Oakland, respectively, do we know anything about either of these teams? While I find it criminal that I have to choose between them, the Lions get the nod because Tavaris Jackson is still the Minnesota signal caller.

Van: Detroit is an urban wasteland of corruption and crime, from the incompetent mayor to the Road Warrior-like gangs south of 8 Mile…and the whole city will be arm in arm singing “We Are The World” when the Lions win this Sunday. Let ‘em have it; reality will come crashing in soon enough…like, say, Sept. 30, when the Bears take their lunch money.

Dallas at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The ‘Boys offense was awesome against the passable Giant defense and Miami’s offense was completely lost against last season’s 31st-ranked defense. Since the team who scores the most points typically wins NFL games, this should be easy.

Van: Let’s see: the Fish Guts gave Jimmy Johnson his golden parachute into retirement, and gave Nick Saban another line to add to the resume he faxed to Alabama right after training camp broke last season. But hope is on the horizon: 100 year old Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement…

The Jets at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
This is completely absurd. It speaks volumes about the depths to which I do not believe in the Jets that I am picking the Ravens’ second team to beat them. With Steve McNair and Ray Lewis likely out this week, and possibly many weeks to come, my Super Bowl pick looks decidedly less super, but still superer than the Jets.

Van: You should have abandoned ship last week. The Ravens are broker than Mike Tyson. The Ravens are broker than Kevin Federline. The Ravens are so broke, they can’t afford free speech. The J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets come into this game healthy, at least for the moment…I mean, their coach ratted out a Jersey guy. How long do you think it’ll be before the Man-genius ends up as one more face on a milk carton?

Kansas City at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
To take a line from Van’s repertoire – OH…MY…GOD. I do not like the Chiefs, Sam I Am. I will not take them on the road, I will not take them with a toad, I will not take them with the line, I will not take them any time. They suck, Sam I Am. If the Chefs score, this is a moral victory. Likewise, if Rexy cannot take this chance to get off the schneid (how do you spell schneid?), the Bears would be better off admitting that Brian Griese is the better quarterback now than in three months’ time.

Van: I’d go with S-H-N-I-D-E myself…or Earl Scheib…or Alysheba…or Alyssa Milano…ANYways, yes, Rex needs to get off of one of them…

Oakland at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Unsure as I was about last week, I can take the Donkeys with a clear conscience this week. Fly, Donkeys, get well. By the way, since Evil Al signed JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders are finally on the clock for next year.

Van: I like this game as a real confidence-builder for Jay Cutler after last week’s Houdini impression. As much as pulling one out of your nether regions still counts in the left column, a sound and thorough beating of the benighted Raiders will go a long way to letting the kid know he’s here to stay. It wouldn’t surprise me at all, given the whole Mike-Shanahan-Mike-Lombardi-We-Just-Hate-The-Raiders-Because-They’re-The-Raiders thing, if Shanahan lets this one get to 50 before calling off the troops.

San Diego at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
I have no earthly idea who will win this game. If this game is in San Diego, the Chargers win, but New England has this weird home field advantage. It’s almost like they know what the other team is going to run. OK, that was cheap (which is not to guarantee that I will not do it again), but much like last week’s Chargers-Bears game (this year’s Chargers schedule brought to you by Idi Amin and Papa Doc Duvalier), we just do not know enough about this year’s iteration of these teams to know what will happen.

Van: New England wins going away, because they are still stealing signs. What, you really think they were dumb enough to have a guy standing on the sideline with a camera? With the technology available today? The guy that was caught was the fall guy. Belichick knew that the Man-genius would rat him out the first chance he got, so he set Mangini up. The real camera man is sitting about two rows up from the team bench, at midfield, with a Fujifilm MX-1700 miniature digital camera and zoom lens (with 200 line-pair resolution) fire-wired to his Sony VGN U-70 mini-laptop, sending MPEG-4 video (for clarity) in encrypted bursts (industry-standard 128 bit, unbreakable except by the brute-force 30-node parallel-thinking monster computers of the NSA) to the dedicated server in the home team locker room for decrypting and dissemination at halftime. And everything I’ve just described, encryption technology included, (except Deep Blue, of course) can be had for less than the cost of a really bad used car…not that I condone cheating or anything, but it can be done a lot less obviously than having some knucklehead standing on the sideline like Cecil B. DeMille and cranking on a two-reeler from under a tarp…

Washington at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Illadelph gets well and the Redskins snap back to reality. I do not see this game being a lot of fun to watch, but the Iggles might wake up any time.

Van: The Eagles will need a police escort out of the stadium after losing this one, only to discover that the police escort was leading them into a Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team ambush…

Patriot Games?

2007-09-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm following this story about the New England Patriots and the allegations concerning whether they steal defensive signals when the good people at ProFootballTalk.com ask a legitimate question:

Given that there are only 40 seconds between plays, is it even feasible to suggest that a team can steal defensive signals and relay that information to the offense in a timely enough manner to counteract the coming defense?

In the spy-versus-spy world that is NFL coaching and scouting, it is absolutely feasible.

All it takes is hours of film study and analysis, some cross-referencing, and a little old-fashioned computerized elbow grease...especially if you already know what you're looking for.

Every team has tendencies based on down, distance, and situation, because those teams take on the personalities of the people doing the decision-making. For example, if last year's Chargers were conservative to a fault, it's because the former head coach, Marty Schottenheimer, was conservative to a fault. He's just not as likely to call a go-route on third-and-2 deep in his own territory in the first quarter, while a Mike Martz or a Ron Turner might. If you know the man, you know the tendency.

Those tendencies can be confirmed on film. If you have a lot of computerized video storage (and what up-to-date NFL team doesn't...except the Browns, of course, who are still using cave drawings from the leather helmet era), you can sort your video by as many parameters as you can imagine: coach, personnel, down, distance, game time, field position, or any combination thereof. Watch enough film, and the pattern emerges. This is the essence of game-planning.

Now, let's say you focus a camera on the other guy's defensive coaches. All you need is a time stamp that matches the game time, and you can match the signal to the play being executed. Mark the relevant information (down, distance, situation, personnel, etc.), and compare it with the hours of film you've already compiled and the pattern is confirmed.

(Worse, as PFT suggested, word around the campfire is that the Patriots were putting microphones (!!) into the helmets of their defensive linemen, to capture offensive line calls and quarterback audibles. Again, match that information against the hindsight of film, and the pattern is confirmed. Maybe that's why the Patriots could just about run anyone out on defense, even Troy Brown (!!), and still be effective...hmmm...)

It would be like playing Texas Hold 'Em against Doyle Brunson and Phil Ivey, and knowing what their cards were before the flop.

And to answer Mike Florio's question, if you already have that information present, yes, you can relay that information to the offense.

Given the factors already in play, what you are looking for as a signal thief is confirmation. You already know that *Team A* is likely to zone blitz, based on their coach's tendencies in this situation. You've already called a play package that takes the zone blitz into account, but doesn't lock you into a zone blitz reaction. When you see what you suspect was coming, that's a simple YES to the offensive coordinator, who then relays that to the QB, and that might not take two seconds to accomplish.

The more signals that the Patriots have information for, the more quickly they can adjust the play package being sent in. As we know, the sophistication of modern offenses allows for multiple options in each play. If the Patriots are intercepting signals that they have already stolen and confirmed, especially at halftime, that adjustment is as simple as a couple more syllables.

Obviously, the system is not entirely foolproof because of the human element. Just because you know a zone blitz is coming doesn't mean you can do anything about it, if the athletes executing that blitz are faster than your blocking scheme can account for. Or, it could be something as mundane as a lineman slipping just a little bit while trying to react to an anticipated stunt, or a receiver just failing to beat the jam that he knew was coming.

That said, knowing what the defense is calling would amount to a huuuuuge competitive disadvantage and might explain the Patriots' otherworldly success of the last few seasons.

And this is what we are left with: at the very least, we must question the authenticity of New England's titles, because these charges have been made against Bill Belichick before on multiple occasions. Like the NBA scandal involving Tim Donaghy, this goes to the heart of the integrity of the game. If it is confirmed that Belichick and his staff have conspired to steal signals and use that information to gain an unfair competitive advantage, Judge Kennesaw Mountain Goodell must drop the gavel on Belichick as swiftly and surely as he did on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and Michael Vick.

And like the aforementioned Vick tragedy, one wonders what will be revealed as this particular sweater continues to unravel, because, as the ink-stained wretches like to say, this story has legs.

Quick Slants - Week 1

2007-09-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

So, what do we know after the first full week of football in '07?

We suspect that the NFC is the junior conference, but it would be a bit premature to make that judgment based on the weekend's action as Peter King of Sports Illustrated does here.

I respect Peter King's football wisdom, but I also think that certain results might have been different had the teams played in a different venue...particularly San Diego and Chicago. Had that game been played in Chicago and not San Diego, the Bears would likely have won, and even King admits "(f)or 44 minutes, the Bears beat the living tar out of the Tomlinsons."

Change the location of that game, and the NFC/AFC score stands at 2-2, and not 1-3 (with the lone NFC victory coming over the Miami Fish Guts).

Having said that, it would not have mattered where Indianapolis played New Orleans, because they really were that much better.

Speaking of obvious, new team, new year, same old Joey Harrington...

...and I'll hear nothing about those interceptions returned for touchdowns being someone else's fault, because those kind of things just don't seem to happen to Peyton Manning, or Tom Brady...(or any number of other competent QBs).

Right about now, Chester Taylor is really hoping that his hip gets a lot better in a hurry, because he's about to get Wally Pipp'ed by rookie Adrian Peterson...

...and speaking of backs named Adrian Peterson, Cedric Benson needs to butch the hell up and run like a starting running back or he will be backing up the next man again.

If I'm being honest, most people like myself tend to make too much of early season victories and losses, no matter how impressive. Thus, I would offer the following games for discounts:

1. Don't take too much from San Diego's victory over Chicago. Both defenses were savaging both offenses, and both offenses are better than they showed on Sunday. Believe me, that NFC North schedule is all the balm the Bears need to get right.

2. Don't take too much from Seattle beating Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay was a classic example of a road dog, and Seattle got enough from Shaun Alexander to keep the Bucs from making it a game.

3. And will everyone hyperventilating over Pittsburgh's victory over Cleveland please sit down and shut up? The Browns are a football team in name only. Their defense is practically nonexistent, and Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson are trivia question answers. The only reason that Brady Quinn won't start right away is because GM Phil Savage wants to keep his job past this season, and that won't happen if Quinn gets thrown to the wolves against the likes of Cincinnati, Baltimore, and New England before the bye week. Ben Roethlisberger had four TD passes against the Cleveland Toe-tags, where Manning or Brady might have had 20.

That San Francisco/Arizona tilt almost didn't go according to script; the Cardinals showed a lot more fight than most would have given them credit for. That said, for a team searching for an identity after decades of losing, this kind of loss hurts worse than getting kicked in the man region, because it's like it doesn't matter how hard they play, they still end up taking in in the right hand column.

On the other hand, give some credit to the Niners. They could have folded in this game, but they didn't. They'll take some confidence from this one and move forward.

But I'll tell you who isn't moving forward: Philadelphia. The Packers should never have been in that game, to say nothing of actually winning. Allegedly, Philadelphia had distinct advantages over the Pack at QB, RB, WR, and DEF. In truth, the Packers had the only advantage that counted: they showed up and played.

And I have long defended Donovan McNabb, but if this is the kind of performance we can get used to seeing from him, if injury has robbed him of that much of his ability to lead his team, the Kevin Kolb era can't get started soon enough.

Bravo, Houston. Kansas City really is not as bad as you made them look. They will rebound and win some games, once they get their sea legs under them, but you went into a hostile situation and told the Arrowhead faithful to mind their own business while you dismantled their team. These Texans are for real.

And good for you, Mario Williams. The game you played against KC was nothing less than dominant. Meanwhile, Reggie Bush is starting to look like the expensive hood ornament that I thought he'd be coming out of college; the guy is Raghib Ismail all over again, lightning fast but with no true position.

Speaking of the state of Texas, wasn't Dallas' defense supposed to be better than this? Nothing wrong with that O, though...

Lock Of The Century: I am in a Survivor Football League, where you live or die based on picking one game. As long as Cleveland and Atlanta are in the league and on the road for half of their games, I can't possibly lose.

So, uh, did Antwaan Randle-El and Santana Moss have a Freaky Friday and switch bodies while no one was looking? Because five catches for 162 yards is a stat line one would normally attribute to ol' feast or famine Moss and not free agent bust Randle-El, but there the former Hoosier was, putting up real numbers in a real football game.

Of course, it could just be a simple case of blind squirrels and random acorns...

Evidence of a team: Tennessee beat Jacksonville with a fairly mortal Vince Young. That's impressive, because I had assumed that Young had to get dressed in a phone booth every Sunday for the Titans to have a chance. If they are going continue to get dominant rushing performances from Chris Brown and LenWhale White, and Young can play up to his ability, this team could be better than advertised.

And, oh, won't I just have fun slapping Bill Bryan around for his Week 1 picks...heh heh heh...

Bill's Pre-Season Blatherings

2007-09-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

I've given you my pre-season picks with Bill's editing...now, here's Bill's picks with my blatherings. Remember, throughout the season, my weekly picks will be found here, or by clicking on the article's title.

Welcome back, football fans. I will not speak for you, but a summer of MLS and NASCAR has my bloodlust simmering over. This season, I will be sharpening my knife with one Van Walker, whom some of you may remember as the unfortunate that I beat regularly and resoundingly during last season’s Last Columnist Typing Competition, only to have victory weaseled away from me in the 11th hour. If you have some different recollection of how that whole thing went, feel free to keep it to yourself.

Firstly, we are dropping big picture outlooks on you. Please remember that English is Van’s fourth language and that he cannot actually watch football in the yurt where he lives on the other side of the world, so do not judge him too harshly, but keep it in mind when wagering.

Van: Actually, the Dalai Lama’s little brother, Lorenzo, has the dish and the Direct TV Superfan package…

Secondly (through Eighteenthly), we will get specific about the outcomes of each week. You can check it out every Friday morning during football season – if you find your way to either of our sites, we will leave bread crumbs so you can find us.

Let the wild rumpus begin.

Are you not entertained?

AFC East:
Bill’s Pick: New England Patriots
There is a reason everybody is picking the Patriots, and while the off-season additions of Adalius Thomas, Wes Welker and Randy Moss sound great, the real reason is the potentially awful three other teams in this division.

Van: This one was a no-brainer…which means you qualify.

AFC North:
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
The defense will no longer have to carry a team suddenly gushing with actual offensive promise, and the Ravens will hold off the surprising Steelers to win football’s best division despite their ridiculous uniforms.

Van: Two lucid picks in a row? Ohhhh, I get it. Tell your wife to stop writing.

AFC South:
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
Surprised? If you like the Colts, here’s a quiz: what happens when you make the NFL’s worst defense worse? Byron Leftwich is not done (and better than you think), Marcus Stroud is healthy, and the team finally has Maurice Jones-Drew to take the burden of hope from the paper mache Fred Taylor.

Van: (choking) WHAT? Have you not heard of the COLTS? Jacksonville is a toxic waste dump in the swamp, from QB drama (where they went from inadequate to inadequate), to RB drama (where they are still starting the wrong guy, until he gets inevitably broken), to those Teflon-handed receivers…Dude, you are making this waaaay too easy already.

AFC West:
Bill’s Pick: San Diego Chargers
While Norv Turner has failed spectacularly at both of his previous head coaching stops, so did his predecessors and successors, so it was not necessarily him. In any case, he should be a veteran enough presence not to get in the way of the most talented team in the NFL, and there is very little threat in this division.

Van: Before you go man-loving Norv “It Ain’t His Fault” Turner, let me remind you that Bobby Ross took the Lions (!!) to 9-7 and the verge of the playoffs in 2000, only to give way to the benighted Marty Mornhingweg, who took the same players to 2-14 in 2001. Anything less than a Super Bowl victory will be a failure for a team this talented, and the fault will fall squarely and deservedly upon Turner’s sloping shoulders.

AFC Wild Card #1:
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin has all the fire that Bill Cowher lost, and although I have some concerns about their running game, a strong defense and passing game will carry them through. Big Ben Roethlisberger will be the quarterback they thought he was, and only a year behind schedule.

Van: You. Are. NOT. Serious. These guys couldn’t get out of their own way last season, and they won’t get out of their own division this season. For all of Mike Timlin’s forehead vein popping out, this team gets rolled by Baltimore and Cincinnati (four losses in the division), and has to play Denver in Denver, San Francisco, Seattle, at New England, and at St. Louis. That’s nine losses right there, and I haven’t even counted Brady Quinn’s coming-out party on November 11.

AFC Wild Card #2:
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Unlikely as it seems that three teams should make it out of the same division, it is not completely unprecedented. Just last year, the Cowboys, Giants and Eagles all made the playoffs. This year, Carson Palmer’s 40 touchdowns and Rudi Johnson’s 16 will just be too many points to deny the Bengals.

Van: See, its these occasional returns to normalcy that throw me off…although Carson Palmer won’t throw 40 TDs this season, not even with Chris Henry on work release for the stretch run.

AFC Offensive Player of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati
He looks terrific after a healthy off-season, and is blessed both by an embarrassment of offensive talent and a brutal defense that will keep him throwing in all four quarters of every game.

Van: Palmer’s problem is that he’s third in public perception behind Manning and Brady…and he’ll get lost in the wash when the hype machine runs Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler up the flagpole.

AFC Defensive Player of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Marcus Stroud, DT, Jacksonville
Fine, Stroud probably will not win this, but he should. Some sexy, fly around the field and blow stuff up guy like Shawn Merriman or Troy Polamalu is a better bet, but it will be just another sad victory of style over substance.

Van: Stroud won’t even be seen for the cloud hanging over this franchise…this award goes to Adalius Thomas in New England.

AFC Rookie of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Tony Ugoh, T, Indianapolis
Strong and agile, he has all the physical attributes you could ever want in a left tackle, and as the guy protecting the Golden Boy’s blind side, he will become the receptacle for the best coaching and most inventive motivational tactics available anywhere.

Van: You almost got this one right…which is somewhat like saying that you almost didn’t have to repeat 5th grade…twice…Ugoh won’t win this award precisely because he’ll “become the receptacle for the best coaching and most inventive motivational tactics available anywhere;” in other words, the perception will be that he was carried along. Marshawn Lynch, on the other hand, will be flying virtually solo in the wasteland that is Buffalo.

NFC East:
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia Eagles
In this world of uncertainty, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb trump Wade Phillips and Tony Romo. The Redskins are about to be replaced in the premiere league by the Argonauts and I am not even sure who will be playing for the Giants, only that they will not lift a finger to save Tom Coughlin’s job.

Van: Eagles/Boys, six of one, half-dozen of the other…and I haven’t looked, but I already know you have the Cowboys winning a Wild Card. So let it be written; so let it be done.

NFC North:
Bill’s Pick: Chicago Bears
In the most painful division to watch, the Bears will again bludgeon everybody into submission. As much as nobody is sold on Rex Grossman, they would be well-served to save some suspicion for Cedric Benson, who I see as a 3.5 yards per carry guy as the feature back. Do not sleep on Detroit.

Van: No, it’s do not sleep IN Detroit. The Lions will go 5-11 at best, but it will be a very entertaining 5-11. As for the Bears, that assault-with-intent defense faces Jon Kitna, Brett Favre, and Tavaris Jackson six times this season…that’s like a million interceptions or something.

NFC South:
Bill’s Pick: Carolina Panthers
Somebody has to win this division and New Orleans is only a Drew Brees injury from being a six-win team. The remarkable timing of Brees’ injuries to this point should not lead anyone to believe that he is sturdy. Carolina has better depth and a better defense with Morgan back, although both of these teams will benefit from four wins over Tampa and Atlanta.

Van: Holy catfish, if you’re going to play the injury card, you’d better play Carolina’s Mr. Injury Report his own self, a/k/a Steve Smith. The Panthers are one Smith hammy away from John Fox getting the axe after a dismal 7-9 campaign.

NFC West:
Bill’s Pick: San Francisco 49ers
The Niners should by all rights be another year away, but with a strong off-season in which they did absolutely everything right, signing Nate Clements, drafting Patrick Willis and Joe Staley, developing Alex Smith and Vernon Davis, even resting Frank Gore, they manage to distinguish themselves in a division that almost any team in the AFC could win.

Van: You and I made the same picks for the same reason. I think I just puked into my mouth.

NFC Wild Card #1:
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans Saints
And on the other hand, Brees might again miraculously make it through the season before getting hurt, in which case the ‘Aints are plenty good enough to emerge from a weak field.

Van: That’s a nice backpedal you’re showing there…you might play cornerback better than Jason David did on Thursday (snicker).

NFC Wild Card #2:
Bill’s Pick: Dallas Cowboys
Phillips should steady their schizophrenic defense, and with all of the question marks surrounding the team, they have the golden ticket: a steady two-headed running attack to move the chains and the clock.

Van: So stipulated.

NFC Offensive Player of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia
McNabb was well on his way to running away with this in 2006 when he got hurt. Again. The man with the most grueling off-season regimen in sports will be ready, and he will stay healthy to hold off the beast that is Steven Jackson.

Van: He could win Man of the Year, MVP, the Irish Sweepstakes, and the Nobel Prize for Physics, and the fans in the Illadelph will still unfairly hold him accountable for everything from losing the Super Bowl to global warming.

NFC Defensive Player of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Brian Urlacher, LB, Chicago
Why do we even have this award?

Van: Good for you, you picked a Bear. Too bad you picked the wrong one (see: Harris, Tommie).

NFC Rookie of the Year:
Bill’s Pick: Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit
Sometimes, chalk is chalk for a reason. This guy is the eye of the perfect storm, with impossible physical ability and so sane a perspective that he should play a different position. Then you give him a veteran quarterback, an offensive genius drawing up plays and a legitimate number one receiver on the other side of the field.

Van: Johnson will win because the Lions will stink out loud all season. They have no running game to speak of (I mean, Tatum Bell couldn’t produce in DENVER, and Detroit’s offensive line is worse than a row of folding chairs), and they will be playing from behind all season.

Super Bowl:
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore over Chicago
Da Bears have taken a firm step back from last year, but as nobody else has stepped up to accept the challenge, the home field advantage will be too high a barrier to entry for the rest of a weak NFC. The Ravens’ passing attack will send them soaring through the season, but they will survive the brutal war of attrition that is the AFC playoffs the way winners do: running and defense.

Van: A firm step back? Let’s see, we replaced Tank Johnson with Tommie Harris…that must be that firm step back you’re talking about. No, wait, it must be replacing Thomas Jones with Cedric Benson, never mind that Jones hasn’t produced anywhere else in his career except in Chicago, or that the Bears drafted Benson precisely because they knew that Jones wasn’t the long-term answer…this team brings everyone back from the Super runner-up last season, and with Tommie Harris in the middle of that D-line, they will overwhelm anyone the AFC sends to Arizona.

That’s a beating, right there. Van, I do not see how you will ever recover from the pounding you took before the season ever started. I only hope your general lack of comprehension allows you to avoid therapy.

Van: I have two words for you, my friend: psychotropic medication. Look into it.