Below The Radar

The NFL is still on everyone’s radar, what with the draft, Pacman, Michael Vick and his dogs, Brett Favre’s mouth, Donovan McNabb’s mouth, and, of course, T.O.’s mouth. And somehow Randy Moss ended up playing for the New England Belichicks. Allegedly, this is the NFL’s “off-season.”

We got Pistons-Bulls in the NBA playoffs, and if it’s not the bloodsport that it was in the Jordan Rules days, it’s still compelling basketball. The Spurs and the Suns are slapping each other around out West, and Jerry Sloan is getting some old school love from guys like J.A. Adande as his Jazz look to advance to the Western Conference finals. And we haven’t even mentioned the fact that the Cleveland LeBrons are one game from the Eastern Conference finals.

MLB? So many topics, so little time…let’s see: there’s Barry “The Vilest Human Alive” Bonds and his tainted pursuit of St. Henry’s home run record; there’s Kurt Radomski, hidden by Eraser Arnold Schwarzennegger, spilling his guts for every recording device known to man; there’s The Rajah, The Rocket, the best part-time pitcher in history, Roger Clemens, returning to the Yankees for a prorated salary that would pay every Devil Ray in history, Dice-K in Beantown, the Mets on top of the world, J.J. Friggin’ Hardy in Milwaukee…yup, the Grand Old Game is doing just fine, and I haven’t even insulted Tim McCarver yet.

What’s missing? Horse racing? Nope, some two-year-old just won the Derby, the first one since Spectacular Bid (and all you degenerates know that horse…). Boxing? Didn’t one of the Mayweathers fight Oscar De La Hoya, or did they all just whup each other in a Fatal Three-Way at Caesar’s Palace? Hell, we even had a Wrestlemania, with the Undertaker winning the World Heavyweight Championship after defeating Batista (and by the way, the Dead Man remains undefeated at Wrestlemania…not that I’m counting or anything…).

Something is missing…hey, didn’t Little E tell the Stepmonster where to put his dad’s sinking company? That’s right, Dale Earnhardt Jr. told Theresa (I Married Into Money) Earnhardt to take DEI and shove it. If he can’t have the company with his dad’s name, he’ll take his dad’s name and genes to a company that will actually build a competitive NASCAR racer, perhaps Richard Childress (ooohhh, the very thought of Little E running the Number 3 car for Richard Childress seems like scripture…).

What have I forgotten? No, the oven’s off. No, my keys are in my pocket. No, I paid that bill and I have the receipt in my barbecue-stained fingers. No, the doctor said that it wouldn’t spread if I kept putting the cream on it…er, never mind…

OHHHHH…now I remember. Somewhere, in agate type, amid the box scores and meaningless NFL transactions, somewhere on cable channels that only insomniacs, schizophrenics, and Republicans watch, the League Formerly Known As The NHL is having a little playoff. Something about a Cup…?

I’ve forgotten already. Besides, Ray Buchanan and Chris Landry are having a urinating contest about Michael Vick’s dogs…