Floyd Landis: Coward

There are few words to describe Floyd Landis now; at least, there are few words that don’t involve “the seven dirty words you can’t say on television.” But, for the sake of catharsis, let’s try some anyway.

In my best Bronx: “Floyd Landis is a rat bastid.”

No, I can’t say that; unfortunately, it slanders all the other rats of questionable parentage.

Floyd Landis is the stuff that runs out a pig’s sty after a heavy rain, but worse.

What kind of man, to further his own ends, would use a dreadful childhood secret against another man? Apparently, the kind of man who would cheat to win the Tour De France.

Here’s where we are. Floyd Landis was caught using steroids after Stage 17 of the Tour; for those who remember, he utterly imploded in Stage 16. Thus, his surge from peloton fodder (8:08 behind the leader) to 30 seconds off the overall lead was nothing short of miraculous. He even had the nerve to credit “the beer” he had the night before Stage 17.

So, let’s see: beer makes me funnier, irresistible to hot women, ten feet tall and bulletproof in any bar brawl, and able to win the Tour de France.

It’s bad enough that both samples have come back positive for levels of testosterone that one normally finds in the New York Mets clubhouse; it’s worse when one resorts to intimidation to keep a potential witness from testifying.

Greg LeMond, the first American Tour winner and three time overall champion, had a private conversation with Landis, urging him to come clean if there were anything to tell. LeMond then related an ugly personal secret about a childhood incident involving his uncle, telling Landis that keeping something like that a secret can tear one up inside.

LeMond’s motives are clear: he was trying to help a fellow American and competitor. He thought that if he showed some personal courage, Landis might follow suit.

LeMond’s mistake is that only human beings can show courage.

Instead, Landis’ “former” manager, Will Geoghegan, makes a phone call to LeMond purporting to be LeMond’s abusive uncle, and threatening to be in court when LeMond was scheduled to testify.

There is no way that Landis is not directly complicit in this vile deed. Reports indicate that Landis was even in the room when Geoghegan made the call. At the trial the next day, Geoghegan was present with Landis while LeMond related the sordid affair on the stand.

Only after it came out in testimony did Landis “fire” Geoghegan, who has since entered rehab.

And Landis has the unmitigated gall to take the stand and claim to be an honorable man.

For those keeping score, this isn’t the first time Landis has been accused of doping. This is, however, the first time that he won a bicycle race and lost the human race.

Bring on the invective; nothing is too low for this paean to honor.

In an ironic way, an overabundance of testosterone helped him win the Tour. Perhaps if he’d had the normal amount in the normal place (inna fork, as the Brits say), he’d have never tried to use another man’s pain to cover his own shame.

Craven, pusillanimous Floyd Landis.

At least O.J. now has some company at the “Most Vilified Athlete” Table.