Ranting and Raving

Some things you guess, some things you think, and some things you just know.

There is no truth to the rumor that Jean Strahan is selling copies of her pre-nup to the fiancees of NFL rookies...

...although, considering the smackdown she laid on Michael in divorce court (to the tune of $15 million AND the 22-room mansion), it just might be one more wise financial decision for her.

And no, Strahan's holdout has nothing to do with him suddenly going steady with the biggest alimony check in history and needing a lot of money like yesterday...

...really...

There is no truth to the rumor that Falcons GM Rich McKay scourges himself once for every crisply thrown timing route, feathery bomb, and frozen rope that Matt Schaub throws for the Houston Texans...

...because if it was true, he'd look like Jim Caviezel in "The Passion Of The Christ."

I mean, even if Michael Vick had never been accused of anything criminal, what in the name of Mike Ditka would cause him to trade Matt Schaub for what now looks like a mess of pottage? It's not like Vick has ever done anything on the field to warrant such love from the front office.

And I'll hear nothing about him being the first quarterback to gain 1000 rushing yards in a season. First off, that stat is meaningless; over 16 games, that translates to around 65 yards a game...running backs get cut for running that poorly. Second, the quarterback is not supposed to run with the football; he's supposed to distribute the ball to other people.

Third, the only reason he could gain 1000 yards rushing is because he couldn't hit the broad side of a red barn passing.

So, let me get this straight: the Falcons go from a guy in Vick who couldn't throw a beach ball into the ocean (but who could run fast) to a guy in Joey Harrington who couldn't throw a beach ball into the ocean...and Harrington could be timed in the 40 with an egg-timer...

The Chicago Bears would have to have a monumental collapse on the magnitude of the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald not to return to the playoffs this season.

That ball-hawking defense of theirs will see Tavaris Jackson, Jon Kitna, and the old dude who used to be Brett Favre six times this season...three or four more wins anywhere puts them back into the tournament.

In fact, call me a Bears homer if you want, but this team could easily go 13-3 looking at their ridiculously easy schedule...

...and while I can't fault the schedule-makers for the Bears' sorry division, how on earth didn't the Super Bowl runners-up get a little more meat in their diets this season?

Outside of the guaranteed six victories in their division, the Bears will face the following: San Diego on the road (a loss in spite of Norv Turner's legendary ineptness), Kansas City at home (say it with me: Brodie Croyle...snicker), Dallas at home (pick 'em), Philly on the road (depends on McNabb's knee, but I still like the Bears here), at Oakland (giggle...it won't make a difference whether it's Daunte Culpepper or JaMarcus Russell, one of them will be running for his life for the better part of 60 minutes), at Seattle (pick 'em), Denver at home (if this were a road game, it's a loss for the Bears...but Thanksgiving Day in the Chi? fuggedaboutit), the Giants (thanks for the W, Jean Strahan and Tiki Retirement), at Washington (say it with me: Jason Campbell...snicker), and New Orleans at home...in December...where the Bears stomped a Mississippi mud-hole into the Saints in last season's NFC Title Game.

So, the Bears have, what, six tough games this season? San Diego on the road to open, Dallas at home, Philly on the road, Seattle on the road, Denver at home, and the Saints at home?

Split those six games and you get what I get: 13-3 and a first round bye. Again.

Life is goooood...

Best under-the-radar fantasy running back this season: Travis Henry, Denver.

The Broncos have consistently made chicken salad out of chicken s**t at running back, and Henry ain't chicken s**t.

It sez so right here that Jon Kitna throws 35 TD passes for the Lions this season. Easily. Especially if they get Calvin Johnson signed fairly quickly.

It also sez so right here that Jon Kitna throws 37 INTs for the Lions opponents this season. Easily. I mean, he hasn't stopped being Jon Kitna, right?

Speaking of things being what they are, what on earth are we to make of the situation in San Diego?

I mean, that was the most loaded roster in the AFC last season and they simply could not overcome Marty Schottenheimer...who the hell really believes that Norv friggin' Turner is an improvement?

That team will win in spite of the guy wearing the headset and get blowed up real good in the first round of the playoffs again.

For a guy who is pretty good at what he does, Thomas Jones sure does move around a lot...

If the Texans get anything out of Ahman Green (and early word out of training camp makes that a distinct possibility), they will post their first winning season as a franchise. This is not to say that they will make the playoffs in a distinctly top-loaded AFC, but they will certainly keep some of the riff-raff (read: Jacksonville) out...

Some idiots in Atlanta and elsewhere are of the misguided opinion that the attention Michael Vick has gotten from the feds and the media is driven by race.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, had it been a white quarterback of Vick's stature, say, Brett Favre or Tom Brady, it would have been blown up even bigger than it already has...

This just in: Tampa Bay stinks. Really stinks.

As in, the last time they stunk this badly, they were called the Suckaneers and had Brucie the Gay Blade on the side of their helmets.

Jon Gruden has a hundred quarterbacks on his roster, and none of them can play.

But that doesn't really matter that much, because there isn't anyone to throw the ball to.

Say, wasn't Aaron Rodgers supposed to be the next something, somewhere?

Seems to me that he and Alex Smith came into the league together as highly-touted quarterbacks.

Smith is progressing nicely. Rodgers, on the other hand, needs to get a refund from whoever he bought his voodoo doll from, because even though Brett Favre utterly stinks, that stinking is done with the first string.

Fantasy alert - stay away from the following running back situations: NY Giants, Washington Redskins, and Dallas Cowboys.

For the Giants, Reuben Droughns is only decent at best, and he's going to get goal-line vultured to death by Brandon Jacobs. Jacobs will score TDs, but that's about all he'll do - he might not have 300 rushing yards all year.

For the 'Skins, signing Ladell Betts (another decent, if unspectacular runner) to a long-term deal says all we need to know about Clinton Portis' health.

And in Big D, one suspects that Marion Barber III would get exposed as badly as Julius Jones has been, if he got as many carries.

Fantasy alert 2 - keep a weather eye on these two RB situations: Carolina and Atlanta. In Carolina, it's only a matter of time before DeAngelo Williams takes DeJob from DeShaun Foster...no later than November, methinks...

And Warrick Dunn picked the worst time in his career to get injured. Jerious Norwood is the genuine article in Atlanta, and will prove it in spades this season. Too bad, because Dunn is the Anti-Vick as far as character off the field.

Down in Arizona, Edgerrin James is telling anyone who will listen that Matt Leinart will be as good as Peyton Manning.

First thing I'm thinking is that Edge must have suffered a heat stroke or something.

I like Chicago and New Orleans to slap each other around for the NFC Title again, and I like the Bears to do most of the slapping again, just like last season.

I really like New England and Indianapolis to disagree about which one of them will represent the AFC in the next Roman Numerals game. And if Randy Moss has a season that approaches anything like his first seven years in the land of Sven & Ole jokes, it'll be a super rematch of two franchises.

And if Chicago has the same guy under center that they had under center last season, New England returns the favor of the '85 Bears beatdown and throttles the current model easily.

(Favorite Sven & Ole joke 1: Sven's walking by Ole's house and sees a sign in the yard that says "Boat for sale." Curious, he goes to the door and is greeted by Ole.

Sven: Say, ya got a sign in yer yard dere dat sez "Boat fer sale."

Ole: Oh, ya.

Sven: But ya don't got no boat dere. Ya got a tractor and a combine out back dere.

Ole: Oh, ya. Dere boat fer sale.)

Speaking of the Land of Lutefisk, the over/under on Adrian Peterson's first and likely last career injury is five games, or whenever he first plays Chicago.

So, uh, take the over, because the unlucky Sooner visits the Monsters on October 14.

Donovan McNabb can be mad about his team drafting John Beck all he wants, but unless he can walk with a LOT less of a limp by Sept. 6, he can be mad about sitting on the bench too.

Quick: name the Raiders starting receivers.

Stumped?

So is Al Davis.

Then again, a lot of things seem to stump Al anymore.

No way LT duplicates what he did last season. No way.

Then again, as receiver Vincent Jackson emerges as a threat alongside Antonio Gates, he won't have to.

Jack Del Rio is saying all the right things, but he really doesn't like either of his options at quarterback...which explains why they didn't take a bigger run at Daunte Culpepper, because Culpepper would have only been more of the same.

...and I'm OUT like Jake Plummer...