Burning Questions
On the eve of yet another glorious NFL season, yours truly takes a look at those issues yet to be resolved...forward!
Q. If Norv Turner is the answer in San Diego, what's the question?
A. "Of all coaches in the AFC, who is most suited to stopping the Chargers from winning the Super Bowl?"
Q. Why are the Arizona Cardinals getting so much love?
A. I call it the Chicken Little theory of predicting football: the odds say that if you keep making the same prediction long enough, sooner or later, you'll be right.
Q. So what are the odds that the Cardinals will finally shed their "Lions Of The West" futility?
A. Uh, whatever comes right before zero would be in the ballpark...
Q. How good is Marvin Harrison anyway?
A. Only carbon monoxide is more silent, more deadly, and more invisible.
Q. How good will the Lions be this season?
A. They'll be the most entertaining 5-11 loser in decades.
Q. Is Jon Kitna really that much better than Joey Harrington?
A. Absolutely. Harrington ran for his life behind a porous offensive line, looked downfield with terror-filled eyes, and blindly threw wounded-duck interceptions. Kitna, on the other hand, will stand with veteran presence in the pocket, calmly make his reads in the face of a mounting pass rush, and, steely-eyed and confident, throw a strike to the opposing cornerback. It's a question of style, you understand.
Q. Why are there so many remaining Michael Vick apologists?
A. Because there are so many remaining fantasy football owners who are saddened by the thought that some knucklehead won't be drafting Vick in the second round this year.
Q. If steroids are supposed to make a person so much bigger and stronger and better at athletics than he was before, why didn't they help Tim Couch?
A. You might remember that old saying about silk purses and sow's ears...or the other one about how not to make chicken salad...
Q. Will perpetually disgruntled WR Randy Moss ever be, er, gruntled?
A. Only if he could create his own Bizarro Universe where he played both wideouts for Dan Marino in 1984, over and over...
Q. When will Al Davis give up decision-making authority in Oakland?
A. When you pry his cold, dead fingers from around it.
Q. Will we ever get an accurate injury report from Bill Belichick? (Not that we're using that information to gamble or anything...you know...just curious...?)
A. Not only no, but hell no. This guy is so secretive, he makes Lavrentiy Beria look like Ryan Seacrest.
Q. Why do teams like the Lions, the Cardinals, and the Buccaneers continue to stink, year after year?
A. Because God loves us. If those teams ever got really good and stayed that way, it would rip a hole in the space-time continuum, and the multi-tentacled Cthulhu-thingies from the Lovecraft Dimension would reign in blood and terror on Earth forever. And nobody wants that (except, of course, the multi-tentacled Cthulu-thingies from the Lovecraft Dimension...which explains the lone Tampa Bay Super Bowl and the emergence of Hilary Clinton Rodham, among other things...).
Q. How many interceptions will the Bears defense have this season?
A. Let's see...they face Tavaris Jackson, Jon Kitna, and the old dude wearing Brett Favre's uniform six times this season...wow. If INTs were coin of the realm, the Bears could pay off the national debt this season.
Q. If Damon Huard is the answer in Kansas City, what's the question?
A. "Why will Larry Johnson carry the football 500 times this season?"
...and I'm OUT like Byron Leftwich...
Q. If Norv Turner is the answer in San Diego, what's the question?
A. "Of all coaches in the AFC, who is most suited to stopping the Chargers from winning the Super Bowl?"
Q. Why are the Arizona Cardinals getting so much love?
A. I call it the Chicken Little theory of predicting football: the odds say that if you keep making the same prediction long enough, sooner or later, you'll be right.
Q. So what are the odds that the Cardinals will finally shed their "Lions Of The West" futility?
A. Uh, whatever comes right before zero would be in the ballpark...
Q. How good is Marvin Harrison anyway?
A. Only carbon monoxide is more silent, more deadly, and more invisible.
Q. How good will the Lions be this season?
A. They'll be the most entertaining 5-11 loser in decades.
Q. Is Jon Kitna really that much better than Joey Harrington?
A. Absolutely. Harrington ran for his life behind a porous offensive line, looked downfield with terror-filled eyes, and blindly threw wounded-duck interceptions. Kitna, on the other hand, will stand with veteran presence in the pocket, calmly make his reads in the face of a mounting pass rush, and, steely-eyed and confident, throw a strike to the opposing cornerback. It's a question of style, you understand.
Q. Why are there so many remaining Michael Vick apologists?
A. Because there are so many remaining fantasy football owners who are saddened by the thought that some knucklehead won't be drafting Vick in the second round this year.
Q. If steroids are supposed to make a person so much bigger and stronger and better at athletics than he was before, why didn't they help Tim Couch?
A. You might remember that old saying about silk purses and sow's ears...or the other one about how not to make chicken salad...
Q. Will perpetually disgruntled WR Randy Moss ever be, er, gruntled?
A. Only if he could create his own Bizarro Universe where he played both wideouts for Dan Marino in 1984, over and over...
Q. When will Al Davis give up decision-making authority in Oakland?
A. When you pry his cold, dead fingers from around it.
Q. Will we ever get an accurate injury report from Bill Belichick? (Not that we're using that information to gamble or anything...you know...just curious...?)
A. Not only no, but hell no. This guy is so secretive, he makes Lavrentiy Beria look like Ryan Seacrest.
Q. Why do teams like the Lions, the Cardinals, and the Buccaneers continue to stink, year after year?
A. Because God loves us. If those teams ever got really good and stayed that way, it would rip a hole in the space-time continuum, and the multi-tentacled Cthulhu-thingies from the Lovecraft Dimension would reign in blood and terror on Earth forever. And nobody wants that (except, of course, the multi-tentacled Cthulu-thingies from the Lovecraft Dimension...which explains the lone Tampa Bay Super Bowl and the emergence of Hilary Clinton Rodham, among other things...).
Q. How many interceptions will the Bears defense have this season?
A. Let's see...they face Tavaris Jackson, Jon Kitna, and the old dude wearing Brett Favre's uniform six times this season...wow. If INTs were coin of the realm, the Bears could pay off the national debt this season.
Q. If Damon Huard is the answer in Kansas City, what's the question?
A. "Why will Larry Johnson carry the football 500 times this season?"
...and I'm OUT like Byron Leftwich...
Labels: NFL
posted by van walker | 5:46 PM
2 Comments:
Q. Since there is no valid QB in Kansas City, which is actually more likely to make Larry Johnson 2 inches shorter by the end of the season:
A. Running into 10-man fronts 35 times per game
B. Wearing the tread on his tires down to nubbins
C. The sagging weight of his now over-loaded wallet
D. The falling expectations of those fantasy football owners who have been pumping him up so much before attempting to trade him in the pre-season
E. The deflation of Johnson's ego when he realizes he will never be able to dominate as an RB like he should since the team desires to own neither a valid QB or WR, and since the team feels no reason to go beyond an aging TE who now only wishes he played for San Diego.
I humbly await your answers.
Q. How many Denver RB's will have at least 25 carries by week 6?
A. Probably all of them. Hell, they'll probably make Simeon Rice run a bunch of off tackle runs the way things are going so far..
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