Week 1 Prognostications
In what will be the format for the whole season, I'll be posting Bill's picks here (and slapping him around for them, of course), and he'll be posting my picks on his site (click the article title to get there, or paste www.williamlbryan.com into your browser).
Release the hounds!
Thursday
New Orleans at Indianapolis
Bill’s pick: New Orleans
This is a trap game. If you are a gambler, and we do not condone such activities here, leave the teams alone and take the over. It makes no difference what the over is. The Colts’ almost-league-worst run defense, minus Cato June and Booger McFarland, its purported best run defenders, is facing the league’s best running attack. The Colts will score, but they have to put up a bare minimum of 35 to keep up with their own brutal defense.
Van: I wish I could say that I made this up for Bill, I really do…holy cow…
Sunday
Denver at Buffalo
Bill’s pick: Denver
Another trap game, and I am taking the Broncos only because they are my team. No shuffling, no rationalization. That’s my analysis. Although the game scares me, although the Broncos look vulnerable on the road against a bad team, although I have no evidence that the Broncos could stop David Lynch, much less Marshawn, I am picking the Broncos because I want them to win. Hello? Yahoo Sports? You want me to what?
Van: You get a pass for picking your homeboys…I mean, you don’t seriously expect me to pick against the Bears, do you?
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Bill’s pick: Pittsburgh
The Browns pick the most unfortunate possible year to assemble talent, running straight into the teeth of football’s strongest division. Mike Tomlin’s scary single-mindedness reminds me of another chinny Pittsburgh coach. My boy Twinkie once offered this scenario: if you put all the NFL head coaches in a room with nothing but loincloths and only one of them could walk out, who would it be? The answer used to be Bill Cowher. Now it’s Tomlin. Where do they find these guys?
Van: First it’s New Orleans, now it’s NFL head coaches in loincloths…and, uh, just where does that leave us with Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren? Ewwwwwww
Philadelphia at Green Bay
Bill’s pick: Philadelphia
Although the Packers’ defense is poised to join the NFL’s elite, their offense is still expected to score occasionally, maybe not turn the ball over. I do not see great feng shui in a backfield of geriatric Brett Favre and rookie Brandon Jackson.
Van: The Packers’ defense will join the NFL’s elite when the Packers’ offense stops leaving them 15 yards of field to defend every other possession.
Kansas City at Houston
Bill’s pick: Houston
Larry Johnson will be worn down by halftime. They could give the man the ball 600 times, but unless he learns to block for himself (making his big new contract a pretty fair bargain), KC is in for a very long season. I just looked, and I am the third receiver on their depth chart. Houston may be much improved this year, and this should give them some confidence out of the gate.
Van: Couldn’t have said it better myself, except that I did.
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Bill’s pick: Jacksonville
Good morning, Nashville. You are not as good as you think you are, nor as everyone is telling you that you are. You are a team with a bad pass defense, mediocre run defense and very little depth at your skill positions. You have the most exciting young quarterback in football and are about to find out that young and exciting are not necessarily good things. Welcome to Jacksonville. Here are your heads. Now get out.
Van: I’ll remember you said that, especially after Byron Leftwich shoots Jack Del Rio from the Grassy Swamp Knoll…no way Tennessee loses this game. Jacksonville is a soap opera mess, right on the eve of the season, and that never works out well.
Atlanta at Minnesota
Bill’s pick: Atlanta
Ugh. Dog fighting vs. the Love Boat. I am sure Roger Goodell will want to be on hand for this showcase. On the field may not be a lot better, where Joey Harrington gets to be the superior quarterback for the first time since leaving Oregon. Both Minnesota and Atlanta play solid D, so maybe the Indy and N’Awlins would be willing to spot them some points that they just have lying around.
Van: I’d try to say something funny here, except that you did it for me by picking Atlanta. HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR QB? I’d have a hard time picking Atlanta if He Who Shall Not Be Named was still missing open receivers, but noooooo, you had to go and pick a team that is starting JOEY BY-GOD HARRINGTON…geez…
New England at the Jets
Bill’s pick: New England
I watched them and still cannot tell you how the Jets won 10 games last year. Here is where the Mangenius falls victim to first and only ever Sopranos curse. Bill Belichick holds a grudge like a mother-in-law (or worse, MY mother-in-law), does not like Mangini and really does not like his infringement upon Belichick’s “genius” copyright. This game is over quickly, but do not expect Brady’s foot to come off the gas.
Van: Oh, yes, this one will be a blowout of Patriotic proportions, fo’ sho.
Carolina at St. Louis
Bill’s pick: St. Louis
If Jim Haslet had six months to scheme for every game, St. Louis would be awesome, so do not be fooled by this game’s outcome. The Ram D is not as good as it will look. After this week, they will become a weird collection of talent with a stud running back, but that’s more than we can say for…
Van: Weird collection, schmeird collection…Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson, and Torry Holt are fantasy gold, baby!
Miami at Washington
Bill’s pick: Miami
One of these teams will win this game, which is more than they can say for their remaining fifteen. I’m going to say better defense and more experienced quarterback trumps home-field advantage. But I don’t think it matters. This is like the play-in game.
Van: You picked Miami. You actually picked Miami. I wouldn’t pick Miami if the choices were washing up on South Beach or washing up in the Chesapeake. I wouldn’t pick Miami if the choices for worst city image were Tony Montana or Marion The Crackhead Barry. I wouldn’t pick Miami if Ricky Ganjah was still smoking the holy herb behind that Foster Grant lens. Miami stinks out loud, on wheat, and in person.
Detroit at Oakland
Bill’s pick: Detroit
Here’s the DirecTV game of the week. Do Detroit and Oakland still have fans? Does anyone actually want to see this game? Detroit may be on the come here, and their Mike Martz offense with a bunch of shiny toys might be fun to watch, but I would not be completely stunned if they completely washed out. Do you remember when they had to save Wayne Fontes’ job by winning their last four games every year? You think they will rally to save Rod Marinelli and Matt Millen the same way? Oakland, by the way, is on the clock.
Van: Last I checked, Oakland is still on the clock from the last draft…
Chicago at San Diego
Bill’s pick: Chicago
A’ight, Bears and Chargers fans together with me: are you *&%$ing kidding me? Why do we have to play the Super Bowl in September? You would say that this is a good measuring stick for both teams but nothing is less indicative of a team’s season than its first game. Look for LT to struggle after not seeing the rock all pre-season, and look for Rex Grossman to keep the doubters at bay. He is still eight weeks to meltdown, but he wants to break Chitown’s hearts first.
Van: Okay, Da Bearss defense versus a hurricane? DA BEARSS. Okay, Da Bearss defense versus a hurricane…but dere hands are tied? (Oh, dat’s a good one…) DA BEARSS…but it’ll be close…’zat a Category Fife hurricane, dere? It is? Hokay, den, overtime…DA BEARSS…
Tampa Bay at Seattle
Bill’s pick: Seattle
It’s a good thing I’m playing receiver for the Chefs, otherwise I would be the Bucs’ ninth quarterback. I guess they are only carrying eight. The Seahawks have the best home-field advantage in football and a whole lot fewer questions than Chucky’s soldiers. I think Ronde Barber has to play defense by himself this year, because all I have heard for certain is all the guys who will not be playing for them.
Van: Jon Gruden has collected bad QBs like some really bad fantasy owner…and if I use the word “bad” again, I get a bonus for being, well, bad.
The Giants at Dallas
Bill’s pick: Dallas
The ‘Boys love it when the circus comes to town. The G-Men roll in with the disinterested active sacks leader, the most second-guessed quarterback in the game, and the most hated coach in any sport. Coach Coughlin, Frank Kush has a plaque for you.
Van: Tom Coughlin, please pick up the white courtesy phone…
Monday
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Bill’s pick: Baltimore
There will be no warm-up on either side of the ball for a Bengals team that still needs a defensive identity and a red zone receiver to replace the oddly not-incarcerated Chris Henry. Much as I like Cincinnati, they are not ready.
Van: This may represent the soundest piece of judgment you’ve rendered all day…must be back on your meds.
Arizona at San Francisco
Bill’s pick: San Francisco
No team had a better off-season than the Niners, and they have been dying to try it all out on somebody. Speaking of teams not yet ready – Arizona is a solid year of development, maybe two, behind San Francisco. Note to Ken Whisenhunt – if your offensive line sucks, so will your team. Immutable law of football.
Van: Yup, this one confirmed it…you’re back on your Schedule-3 narcotics, aren’t ya? The room has stopped spinning, and the little voices in you head are all humming the same tune. Too bad you couldn’t have done this for the majority of your picks, bunky.
Release the hounds!
Thursday
New Orleans at Indianapolis
Bill’s pick: New Orleans
This is a trap game. If you are a gambler, and we do not condone such activities here, leave the teams alone and take the over. It makes no difference what the over is. The Colts’ almost-league-worst run defense, minus Cato June and Booger McFarland, its purported best run defenders, is facing the league’s best running attack. The Colts will score, but they have to put up a bare minimum of 35 to keep up with their own brutal defense.
Van: I wish I could say that I made this up for Bill, I really do…holy cow…
Sunday
Denver at Buffalo
Bill’s pick: Denver
Another trap game, and I am taking the Broncos only because they are my team. No shuffling, no rationalization. That’s my analysis. Although the game scares me, although the Broncos look vulnerable on the road against a bad team, although I have no evidence that the Broncos could stop David Lynch, much less Marshawn, I am picking the Broncos because I want them to win. Hello? Yahoo Sports? You want me to what?
Van: You get a pass for picking your homeboys…I mean, you don’t seriously expect me to pick against the Bears, do you?
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Bill’s pick: Pittsburgh
The Browns pick the most unfortunate possible year to assemble talent, running straight into the teeth of football’s strongest division. Mike Tomlin’s scary single-mindedness reminds me of another chinny Pittsburgh coach. My boy Twinkie once offered this scenario: if you put all the NFL head coaches in a room with nothing but loincloths and only one of them could walk out, who would it be? The answer used to be Bill Cowher. Now it’s Tomlin. Where do they find these guys?
Van: First it’s New Orleans, now it’s NFL head coaches in loincloths…and, uh, just where does that leave us with Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren? Ewwwwwww
Philadelphia at Green Bay
Bill’s pick: Philadelphia
Although the Packers’ defense is poised to join the NFL’s elite, their offense is still expected to score occasionally, maybe not turn the ball over. I do not see great feng shui in a backfield of geriatric Brett Favre and rookie Brandon Jackson.
Van: The Packers’ defense will join the NFL’s elite when the Packers’ offense stops leaving them 15 yards of field to defend every other possession.
Kansas City at Houston
Bill’s pick: Houston
Larry Johnson will be worn down by halftime. They could give the man the ball 600 times, but unless he learns to block for himself (making his big new contract a pretty fair bargain), KC is in for a very long season. I just looked, and I am the third receiver on their depth chart. Houston may be much improved this year, and this should give them some confidence out of the gate.
Van: Couldn’t have said it better myself, except that I did.
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Bill’s pick: Jacksonville
Good morning, Nashville. You are not as good as you think you are, nor as everyone is telling you that you are. You are a team with a bad pass defense, mediocre run defense and very little depth at your skill positions. You have the most exciting young quarterback in football and are about to find out that young and exciting are not necessarily good things. Welcome to Jacksonville. Here are your heads. Now get out.
Van: I’ll remember you said that, especially after Byron Leftwich shoots Jack Del Rio from the Grassy Swamp Knoll…no way Tennessee loses this game. Jacksonville is a soap opera mess, right on the eve of the season, and that never works out well.
Atlanta at Minnesota
Bill’s pick: Atlanta
Ugh. Dog fighting vs. the Love Boat. I am sure Roger Goodell will want to be on hand for this showcase. On the field may not be a lot better, where Joey Harrington gets to be the superior quarterback for the first time since leaving Oregon. Both Minnesota and Atlanta play solid D, so maybe the Indy and N’Awlins would be willing to spot them some points that they just have lying around.
Van: I’d try to say something funny here, except that you did it for me by picking Atlanta. HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR QB? I’d have a hard time picking Atlanta if He Who Shall Not Be Named was still missing open receivers, but noooooo, you had to go and pick a team that is starting JOEY BY-GOD HARRINGTON…geez…
New England at the Jets
Bill’s pick: New England
I watched them and still cannot tell you how the Jets won 10 games last year. Here is where the Mangenius falls victim to first and only ever Sopranos curse. Bill Belichick holds a grudge like a mother-in-law (or worse, MY mother-in-law), does not like Mangini and really does not like his infringement upon Belichick’s “genius” copyright. This game is over quickly, but do not expect Brady’s foot to come off the gas.
Van: Oh, yes, this one will be a blowout of Patriotic proportions, fo’ sho.
Carolina at St. Louis
Bill’s pick: St. Louis
If Jim Haslet had six months to scheme for every game, St. Louis would be awesome, so do not be fooled by this game’s outcome. The Ram D is not as good as it will look. After this week, they will become a weird collection of talent with a stud running back, but that’s more than we can say for…
Van: Weird collection, schmeird collection…Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson, and Torry Holt are fantasy gold, baby!
Miami at Washington
Bill’s pick: Miami
One of these teams will win this game, which is more than they can say for their remaining fifteen. I’m going to say better defense and more experienced quarterback trumps home-field advantage. But I don’t think it matters. This is like the play-in game.
Van: You picked Miami. You actually picked Miami. I wouldn’t pick Miami if the choices were washing up on South Beach or washing up in the Chesapeake. I wouldn’t pick Miami if the choices for worst city image were Tony Montana or Marion The Crackhead Barry. I wouldn’t pick Miami if Ricky Ganjah was still smoking the holy herb behind that Foster Grant lens. Miami stinks out loud, on wheat, and in person.
Detroit at Oakland
Bill’s pick: Detroit
Here’s the DirecTV game of the week. Do Detroit and Oakland still have fans? Does anyone actually want to see this game? Detroit may be on the come here, and their Mike Martz offense with a bunch of shiny toys might be fun to watch, but I would not be completely stunned if they completely washed out. Do you remember when they had to save Wayne Fontes’ job by winning their last four games every year? You think they will rally to save Rod Marinelli and Matt Millen the same way? Oakland, by the way, is on the clock.
Van: Last I checked, Oakland is still on the clock from the last draft…
Chicago at San Diego
Bill’s pick: Chicago
A’ight, Bears and Chargers fans together with me: are you *&%$ing kidding me? Why do we have to play the Super Bowl in September? You would say that this is a good measuring stick for both teams but nothing is less indicative of a team’s season than its first game. Look for LT to struggle after not seeing the rock all pre-season, and look for Rex Grossman to keep the doubters at bay. He is still eight weeks to meltdown, but he wants to break Chitown’s hearts first.
Van: Okay, Da Bearss defense versus a hurricane? DA BEARSS. Okay, Da Bearss defense versus a hurricane…but dere hands are tied? (Oh, dat’s a good one…) DA BEARSS…but it’ll be close…’zat a Category Fife hurricane, dere? It is? Hokay, den, overtime…DA BEARSS…
Tampa Bay at Seattle
Bill’s pick: Seattle
It’s a good thing I’m playing receiver for the Chefs, otherwise I would be the Bucs’ ninth quarterback. I guess they are only carrying eight. The Seahawks have the best home-field advantage in football and a whole lot fewer questions than Chucky’s soldiers. I think Ronde Barber has to play defense by himself this year, because all I have heard for certain is all the guys who will not be playing for them.
Van: Jon Gruden has collected bad QBs like some really bad fantasy owner…and if I use the word “bad” again, I get a bonus for being, well, bad.
The Giants at Dallas
Bill’s pick: Dallas
The ‘Boys love it when the circus comes to town. The G-Men roll in with the disinterested active sacks leader, the most second-guessed quarterback in the game, and the most hated coach in any sport. Coach Coughlin, Frank Kush has a plaque for you.
Van: Tom Coughlin, please pick up the white courtesy phone…
Monday
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Bill’s pick: Baltimore
There will be no warm-up on either side of the ball for a Bengals team that still needs a defensive identity and a red zone receiver to replace the oddly not-incarcerated Chris Henry. Much as I like Cincinnati, they are not ready.
Van: This may represent the soundest piece of judgment you’ve rendered all day…must be back on your meds.
Arizona at San Francisco
Bill’s pick: San Francisco
No team had a better off-season than the Niners, and they have been dying to try it all out on somebody. Speaking of teams not yet ready – Arizona is a solid year of development, maybe two, behind San Francisco. Note to Ken Whisenhunt – if your offensive line sucks, so will your team. Immutable law of football.
Van: Yup, this one confirmed it…you’re back on your Schedule-3 narcotics, aren’t ya? The room has stopped spinning, and the little voices in you head are all humming the same tune. Too bad you couldn’t have done this for the majority of your picks, bunky.
Labels: Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 7:34 AM
2 Comments:
Gee, you guys are really smart. That Colts defense stunk out loud as the Superbowl Chumps were exposed as no better then the Bengals.
*** er, um, wait, hold the phone ***
Was it the Colts who held the NFC's supposed best offense to 10 points, made Reggie Bush look like a rookie, exposed the flaw of trusting in 2nd year receivers, and just flat dominated all night long?
Maybe you guys need a do-over.
Dear Van:
Just for your edification, Bill didn't even pick in his own fantasy league's (well, one of them) Pick 'Em this week, so he's at the bottom of the pack.
Being beat hard by his sister.
XOXO,
Bill's Sister
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