Quick Slants - Week 6

Reiterating a theme that I expounded upon just a couple of weeks ago...

...nobody knows nothin'.

Period.

Holee catfish, what a weekend!

This just in: Brad Childress is officially stupider than Norv The Idiot Turner.

The Bears still haven't tackled Adrian Peterson...neither has anyone else, really...and yet Childress insists upon this fiction that Chester "The Molester" Taylor (more on him in a minute) is his starting tailback and that the rookie must somehow "earn" his minutes.

Borrowing from a joke I used this past weekend, when I still thought I knew something about football: Brad Childress? Adrian Peterson. Peterson? Childress. We all set here? Good. Now, Brad, here's what you do: you tell Chester The Molester that if he wants to throw chairs, Jerry Springer's having a reunion special, but that his job from now on is to get Adrian Peterson water whenever he want it, because Adrian Peterson will now be carrying the rock AS MANY TIMES AS PRUDENCE DEMANDS.

How can a coach have a player that dynamic on his own sideline and fail to recognize him?

Oh, wait: Brad Childress? Norv The Idiot Turner...

And speaking of idiots, how stupid is Chester Taylor, anyway?

Your team drafts a guy at your position. That should have been the first hint that one of y'all was, uh, expendable.

Then you go and get into a chair-throwing hissy fit fight with a member of your own team in the locker room...and, apparently, this ain't the first time you've rearranged the furniture. Word around the campfire is that you did this in Baltimore, which is why you are soon to be an ex-Viking as well as an ex-Raven.

Bonehead.

But I wasn't done with the other bonehead, and his team won the game.

Say it with me, nice and loud: DON'T KICK THE FOOTBALL TO DEVIN HESTER.

EVER.

The guy has yet to play two full seasons of professional football, and he's already only 4 shy of the ALL-TIME RECORD for kick/punt returns for a career.

Then again, simply taking a penalty and giving the Bears the ball on the 30 might not work either...as that Griese-to-Hester bomb proved late in the game.

Note to Lovie Smith: if the defense is going to continue to suck like this, Hester better touch the football 30 times a game. No one will get mad at you, trust me.

So, uh, how bad are the Seahawks?

Really?

No, wait, how bad are the Jets?

Really?

How on earth do either of these teams lose at home to teams that look worse than whatever fills a chum bucket?

For crying out loud, the Seahawks made the Saints look like a powerhouse all over again. Embarrassing.

And as far as the Jets...

Eric Mangini (clearly the Man-Genius no longer) fell prey to the oldest football gimme in history: fourth and stupid.

See, on fourth and stupid, the obvious thing would be to pick up the first down on an off-tackle dive, or kick the field goal.

But that's why we call it fourth and stupid, because bad coaches try to get creative on a down that doesn't require creativity, but diligence.

Maybe it's just me, but is Brian Brohm that good?

Because I've never seen this many bad teams in the NFL all trying to get worse at the same time.

Of course, if you're the Rams right now, things can't get any worse than they already are...not with befuddled Gus Frerotte passing out interceptions like a drunk freshman passing out beads at the Mardi Gras.

There are some things we can take some comfort in, however: the Cleveland Browns own bad teams at home.

This is apparently as certain as death and taxes.

Yeah, sure, Miami scored 31 points with the hopeless Cleo Lemon behind the wheel...stop it. They scored meaningless points in a game that had long been decided. For the part of the game that mattered, they played like they switched their cleats for ice skating blades.

In other news, Brady Quinn is cursed.

Cursed.

So what else do we know?

We know that San Diego is really, really good whenever that kid wearing number 21 gets the football a lot.

Apparently, Norv The Idiot Turner has snapped out of his season-long coma and called an offense that recognizes LT's prodigious gifts...and guess what? They won!

One more miracle and Norv The Idiot Turner qualifies for sainthood...egad...

And speaking of miracles, did anyone catch the quarterbacks in the Carolina/Arizona tilt?

Vinny Testaverde.

Vinny By-God Testaverde.

Based solely upon that performance, either it just can't be as hard to play quarterback as guys like Trent Dilfer, Rex Grossman, or Gus Frerotte make it seem, or Testaverde is a Hall-Of-Famer.

The guy hasn't picked up a football in weeks, he doesn't know the playbook, and he doesn't even his teammates. He just walks in off the street, practices on Wednesday, and leads his team to victory on Sunday. Just like that.

Take that, Joey Harrington.

From now on, every time somebody moans about how difficult it is to coach up quarterbacks in the NFL, or how hard it is to find good ones, or yada yada yada about quarterbacks, I've got this 4-word response:

Vinny Testaverde. Shut up.

By the way, did I mention that he gets his first AARP letter in six years?

And, finally, New England/Dallas.

I guess we know how the Patriots will respond to adversity when they are down in the second half in a hostile environment...geez...

And is it any accident that all three of Tom Brady's new toys got TDs in this game?

I mean, right now, Brady looks like Neo did at the end of The Matrix: I can do this all the time?

I can do this all the time.

And the best thing for football fans (which, coincidentally, is the worst thing for New England) is that the Patriots are getting all the love in the world for beating Dallas in Dallas...

...while the other really good undefeated team sat at home, smoldering.

Apparently, we've already deeded the Lombardi Trophy to the Patriots...never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, undefeated also.

Never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, crushing people with the B Team while the A Team gets healthy.

Don't forget, Tony Dungy is a quiet man with a lot of pride in his work.

Don't forget, Peyton Manning may seen annoying in his commercials, but there is no quarterback in football better prepared, no, not even his nemesis in Foxboro.

Don't forget, the Patriots have to play Indianapolis in Indianapolis in a little less than three weeks.

That's just too cool to think about, because the Patriots won't find the welcome in Indy as warm as they did in Big D...

...and I'm OUT like every quarterback to start a game for Arizona this season...