Week 3 Prognostications - You Do The Math
Van: Once again, Bill's picks are only offered for entertainment purposes...or, in the case of this week's picks, for morbid curiosity...and I'm still four games up! People who like money can find my picks here.
Scientology works. At least better than whatever I did in week one. After Van scraped together a tie with an unwatchable Monday night win, he is feverishly looking anywhere for inspiration to avoid the unavoidable tsunami of knowledge I am building.
Van: Dude, quit stealing from Hedley LaMarr of “Blazing Saddles” fame…
Meanwhile, no more scientology for me. I want whatever Jon Kitna’s drinking.
Ahem…roll the beatdown.
Arizona at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
You know when you’re grilling chicken, it gets to be that appetizing light tan color, so you cut into it to make sure you aren’t poisoning your family and it’s that weird translucent, iridescent color in the middle? You know what that means? Your chicken isn’t ready. Neither are the Cardinals. Although Matt Leinart has suffered only a single sack, that is illusion. The Cardinals’ run-blocking has been legitimately fine, but their pass-blocking remains horrific. Leinart has spent his first two games trying to pass out of a pocket the size of a wine glass, and sixty minutes in Baltimore should expose the truth.
Van: I haven’t seen a backpedal this fine since ol’ Neon Deion was patrolling passing lanes a decade or so ago. All of a sudden, Arizona ain’t “all that.” Imagine that. Not like I haven’t been calling them a fraud all season or anything, mind you…
St. Louis at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tampa Bay
I have no basis to pick this game at all. The fact is that I have not seen a minute of a Tampa Bay game this year – bad teams from other hemispheres just don’t get a lot of air time in the Mountain Time Zone. The weird thing is that I have barely seen highlights of the first two Bucs games. This is like living in the 80’s again, when I knew James Wilder’s stats backward and forward and was totally convinced that e was one of my favorite players, but had never actually seen him play. At all. Ever. Here is what I know from context clues, and you can tell me if I am wrong: the Bucs are better than the sum of their parts. Jeff Garcia, Joey Galloway, Cadillac Williams…not that good. I am not sure who is playing defense, but I can see that I counted out Monte Kiffin too soon. Meanwhile, the Rams suck. They should not, but they do. Any week now, they might turn it around, but the prudent gentleman gambler will not play them until they do. As always, I will controvert my own philosophy later in this edition.
Van: You took a lot of time away from good people to say that Chucky avoids the axe this week; you should be ashamed.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is playing really well, Roethlisberger looks way better than ever before and the Tomlin era is going great. That’s great. Cheers. What was up with the Steelers’ god-awful throwback unis? San Diego puts on those sweet Lance Alworth powder blues with the number on the helmet and deludes the rest of the league into thinking this is a good idea. The Broncos should leave the vertically-striped socks in the closet and the Steelers should leave their past buried as well. The White Sox never wear shorts. Do you think the 2034 Vikings are going to wear whizzinators?
Van: See, this is what I’ve always suspected: that a fashionista lurks beneath that football exterior. I mean, not that anything’s wrong with it, you know, don’t ask, don’t tell and all that, but when the only criticism you can level is at color schemes and cod-pieces, well, the gay-dar goes to Threat Level Orange just to be safe…
Detroit at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
Dear Philadelphia: shut up. No, seriously, shut the hell up. Your backup quarterback is Kevin Kolb. I don’t even have to elucidate which Kevin Kolb I am talking about, because every Kevin Kolb on the planet Earth is equally prepared to play quarterback in the NFL right now. Besides, you have bigger problems. This week, you have a game against God. Up to this point, God had never shown any affection for the city of Detroit, then all-of-a-sudden-like, BOOM, he heals Jon Kitna. Jon is HEEEEALED. Jesus’ blessing is upon Detroit. Finally. And Old Testaments curses are on Minneapolis, I guess. Not being a theologian (at least not like Kitna or Reverend Applewhite), I cannot tell you exactly what it takes to beat God, but Philly probably needs a healthy Bryan Westbrook, and they do not have one.
Van: You want theology? Check John Calvin vs. Jacob Arminius (Calvin won that one 5-0, and it wasn’t that close)…or perhaps Augustine vs. Pelagius (again, blowout of Church-changing proportions). You want spelling? Check NFL.com, where, last I heard, the Eagles were hoping that BRIAN Westbrook would help the offense. And, for the record, he won’t…because an atrophied Donovan McNabb is still the QB until he’s irretrievably broken. And the sooner the better, for the familially-challenged Andy Reid…
Miami at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Trent Green woke up last week and found himself in a warm climate with an offensive-minded coach and some actual receivers. Chad Pennington will wake up this week with a bad wheel and his generation’s best pass rusher in town. Who would you rather be?
Van: I’d rather be myself, with a 4-game (and growing) cushion over the junior varsity…
Buffalo at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Do you really need an explanation for why the Pats beat the Bills at home?
Van: That’s just lazy, dude…all of three people read my blog, and you’ve disrespected all of them. The good news is that your sister will pimp-slap you at Thanksgiving, to the sound of applause. My own sister will read this and not realize that she took a beating until the swelling starts to rise underneath her eye…heh heh heh…
Minnesota at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
This is a matchup of marquee offenses showcasing their first ballot quarterbacks, Damon Huard and Tavrereous Jackson. Jackson has a better line, Huard has a better running back, and in a special promotion celebrating the one hundred twenty-eighth year of football in this country, I, William L. Bryan, will be the number one wide receiver for both teams. I will personally attempt to do what no other receiver has done this year, which is to stop these noble quarterbacks’ throws before they get either to the other team or to the grass. The Chefs get the nod because LJ can play any position better than anyone on the Vikings’ offense except Steve Hutchinson.
Van: Stop it. You picked KC because they were at home, just like I did. I just have the bolss to admit it.
Indianapolis at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Houston is one Andre Johnson knee sprain away from winning this game. Johnson offered to make both Matt Schaub and David Carr look good, the difference being that Schaub accepted. This is a better Texan team than the one that beat the Colts at Reliant in Week 16 last year. As much attention as Schaub has received (much of it for not being Michael Vick), the stars of this show are the Texan defenders. As much praise as I care to lavish upon Houston, the 2007 edition is crippled without the quick-strike capability that Johnson gave them. Expect a lot of guys in the box, a lot of blitzing and a lot of press coverage from the Colts, and expect a pretty fair measuring stick for the Houston D.
Van: Something to consider: try reading a NEWSPAPER before writing. The only people still counting on the possibility that Andre Johnson will play are the hyper-paranoids on Indianapolis’ defensive coaching staff, a group that might not have taken Lavrentiy Beria for being a little too loose-lipped…egad…
San Diego at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Any boost the Packers accepted from last week’s play date with the G-Men is self-delusion. Until the Giants quit in the third quarter (oh, and they did quit), the Packers offense struggled, just as they did in week one against an Eagles team whose defense is also suspect. The 38 points the Patriots hung on the Bolts are not indicative of the Packers’ abilities. All that said, I am a little concerned about San Diego, and particularly their leadership. With exceptional leaders Junior Seau, Drew Brees and Marty Schottenheimer all gone in the past couple of years, who points this team in the right direction? I bought Norv Turner (albeit at a deep discount), but no I am suffering some buyer’s remorse.
Van: Green Bay plays the varsity this weekend…and gets properly wedgie’d for their cheek…
Cincinnati at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
All of Cincinnati watched through their fingers as the Bengals’ defense settled all of its unanswered questions from week one by running around the field naked performing show tunes and forgetting choreography. The good news is that their O ran wild over the very slightly less helpless Browns D, effectively announcing a season-long track meet. Fun to watch, but it’s never too early to write them in for an ignominious first-round playoff loss to a team who, you know, runs the ball and plays defense. Expect Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander and Deion Branch to look rejuvenated, cavorting like football is fun again, but do not expect them to be quite fast enough to beat Carson Palmer and company in the day’s final heats. This week, Van and I will be playing to see who gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator next week.
Van: What Bill didn’t tell you is that the LOSER gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator against the signal-stealing Patriots next weekend. I’d tell you what the winner gets to do, but modesty prevents. Suffice it to say that it begins with insulting Bill a fourth time (to paraphrase the Fronch knnnnnnigit of Holy Grail fame)…and, well, that might be enough.
Cleveland at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
This is a matchup of the two teams that showed us the most in week two. The Raidas have heart, something we have been unable to say until Gruden jumped ship, and the Browns have…something. 51 points is a lot. I have to consult my sister for sure, but it is at least an assload, all greater designations being unprintable. Even after you deduct reasonable percentages for flukiness and a horrid defense, it is still a ton of points. Oakland’s defense is a lot tougher than Cincinnati’s, and with each passing week, Daunte Culpepper is closer to being ready to play. For some reason, I watch Lamont Jordan and think he can play and nobody else does. I am willing to accept that I am wrong, as opposed to everybody else (because that would be arrogant), but I still think it. I will take heart and a steady running game over an inexplicable one week explosion, but the truly remarkable thing here is that I actually want to watch this game. By the way, isn’t it time the Browns stopped wearing their throwback uniforms, too?
Van: HAH! The truth comes out! NOW I know how the Guy That Couldn’t Shoot Straight tied me last weekend…he’s consulting his sister. (Sisssster…Obi Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you won’t turn to the Dark Side, then perhaps she will…)
Jacksonville at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
It may be time to admit the Jags look awful. It might be unfair to place it all at the feet of their petty and vindictive head coach, but maybe not. Jack Del Rio is the only guy in America who thinks David Garrard is better than Byron Leftwich, Fred Taylor is better than Maurice Jones-Drew, and Ernest Wilford is better than Reggie Williams. As a former linebacker, is it possible he cannot develop or deploy offensive talent? Or perhaps that he has a weird, Jungian, imbedded hatred of offense generally? Meanwhile, the Broncos will struggle to their third straight get well game. What happens when our heroes play a decent team, maybe one who regularly slaps them around like Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver? Stay tuned as they travel to Indianapolis in Week Four.
Van: (Col: Why do you have ‘born to kill’ on your helmet, and a peace symbol on your body armor? Private Joker: Sir…I don’t know, sir. Col: Son, you better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant sh*t on you. Private Joker: Sir, I was making a statement about the duality of man. Col: What? Private Joker: You know, the Jungian thing, sir. Col: You really need to stop listening to Bill Bryan. He may be the only man in this hemisphere capable of misspelling “embedded” and misusing “Jungian” in the same sentence. Stick with me, son. Help the good guys. Shoot the bad guys. And pick the winner like we were paying you to use fewer words.)
The Giants at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Dear Mr. Mara: fire Tom Coughlin. Do it now. No NFL team has quit like your boys did since the 2002 New Orleans Saints, and Tom Benson had to watch Jim Haslett coach a very talented football team to a 19-29 record in three more seasons before determining that he was not the guy. I always figured Haslett had pictures of Benson and the goat. Put down the goat, Mr. Mara. Do not give in to petty blackmail. Your guys did not quit on Coughlin, don’t get that twisted, but neither did Coughlin keep them from quitting. Nobody wants to go 0-16. Fire Coughlin now.
Van: Wanting to go 0-16 and actually going 0-16 have NOTHING to do with each other, and the G-Men are doing everything in their power to take the old Suckaneers off the SHNIDE…not to rub anything in, you understand…
Carolina at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Joey Harrington looked OK last week. Is this the newly competent Harrington we saw in preseason or the bumbling Jags’ D we saw in week one? Ask me again next week. Meanwhile, Carolina shuffles around with their usual early season indifference. We have this buddy, The Walrus, for whom picking up women is so simple as to be uninteresting, so he handicaps himself. Rather than beginning a conversation at ground level, he digs himself a hole to see if he can get out of it and then get the girl to go home with him. For instance, he might approach a woman and tell her that her outfit makes her look fat, and then try to pick her up. Such is the Panther Way. Anybody can go 13-3 and get to the playoffs, but it’s a lot more titillating to start 2-6 and then see if you can make the playoffs.
Van: First it’s color schemes. Now, it’s The Walrus. What are you really trying to say, Bill? Really? I mean, I’m there for ya, but, like Eddie Murphy said, after the game I’m gonna have the beer…
Dallas at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Chicago and their JV backfield had better duck. Da Bears get the nod by virtue of playing in Soldier Field, but in matchup terms, the ‘Boys have more edges here than a ninja star. Tony Romo and his offensive line have done a superior job the first two weeks of creating and using great big airstrip-looking passing lanes, and while they will find Tommie Harris harder to move than a gun safe (if you’ve ever tried, you know), this is where the Bears miss cuddly ole Tank Johnson. If Dallas wants to win, they had better not expect great things from some of the slow-developing plays they have been running, but they have most of what they need to go into Chitown and steal one.
Van: This is a classic liberal Democrat, Hilary Clinton-Rodham flip-flop. You vote FOR Chicago, but only AFTER giving every possible reason to vote for Dallas. (Senator John Kerry: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”) This way, no matter who wins, you can try to spin the sound-bite of your choice and appeal to the middle. (Chicago wins? Oh, yes, I picked them. Dallas wins? You’ll remember that I said yada yada yada Ninja throwing stars yada yada yada…)
Tennessee at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I realize this looks more like dogmatic fever than football analysis, but the fact is that I cannot see anything wrong with New Orleans and I know exactly what is wrong with Tennessee. This is not to say that the Ain’ts have been anything short of ludicrous, I just cannot say why (I mean, their O-line can’t play dead, I get that, but they should be able to). The Tuxedoes have too many eggs in one basket – Vince giveth and Vince taketh away. Vince pulls out his stuff and clanks all the way down the field, leading a heroic charge only to throw a mind-numbing interception or take a childish penalty to set the whole thing aflame. My confusion buys New Orleans one more week on the dole. They get the benefit of the doubt that the Rams do not because I am capricious, unreliable and inconsistent. By the way, in 2000 I got 12 Saints games wrong. It got to be like that scene from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead where they’re flipping coins, winner keeps it, it comes up heads 860 times in a row but the guy who is losing keeps guessing tails because it has to be eventually.
Van: You’re just wrong. Take your medicine like a man, because you’re just wrong. It only took you 200 words to be wrong, but who’s to stop a man from putting six bullets into the revolver and volunteering to play Russian roulette first? Like John Creasy said, the bullet never lies…
Scientology works. At least better than whatever I did in week one. After Van scraped together a tie with an unwatchable Monday night win, he is feverishly looking anywhere for inspiration to avoid the unavoidable tsunami of knowledge I am building.
Van: Dude, quit stealing from Hedley LaMarr of “Blazing Saddles” fame…
Meanwhile, no more scientology for me. I want whatever Jon Kitna’s drinking.
Ahem…roll the beatdown.
Arizona at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
You know when you’re grilling chicken, it gets to be that appetizing light tan color, so you cut into it to make sure you aren’t poisoning your family and it’s that weird translucent, iridescent color in the middle? You know what that means? Your chicken isn’t ready. Neither are the Cardinals. Although Matt Leinart has suffered only a single sack, that is illusion. The Cardinals’ run-blocking has been legitimately fine, but their pass-blocking remains horrific. Leinart has spent his first two games trying to pass out of a pocket the size of a wine glass, and sixty minutes in Baltimore should expose the truth.
Van: I haven’t seen a backpedal this fine since ol’ Neon Deion was patrolling passing lanes a decade or so ago. All of a sudden, Arizona ain’t “all that.” Imagine that. Not like I haven’t been calling them a fraud all season or anything, mind you…
St. Louis at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tampa Bay
I have no basis to pick this game at all. The fact is that I have not seen a minute of a Tampa Bay game this year – bad teams from other hemispheres just don’t get a lot of air time in the Mountain Time Zone. The weird thing is that I have barely seen highlights of the first two Bucs games. This is like living in the 80’s again, when I knew James Wilder’s stats backward and forward and was totally convinced that e was one of my favorite players, but had never actually seen him play. At all. Ever. Here is what I know from context clues, and you can tell me if I am wrong: the Bucs are better than the sum of their parts. Jeff Garcia, Joey Galloway, Cadillac Williams…not that good. I am not sure who is playing defense, but I can see that I counted out Monte Kiffin too soon. Meanwhile, the Rams suck. They should not, but they do. Any week now, they might turn it around, but the prudent gentleman gambler will not play them until they do. As always, I will controvert my own philosophy later in this edition.
Van: You took a lot of time away from good people to say that Chucky avoids the axe this week; you should be ashamed.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is playing really well, Roethlisberger looks way better than ever before and the Tomlin era is going great. That’s great. Cheers. What was up with the Steelers’ god-awful throwback unis? San Diego puts on those sweet Lance Alworth powder blues with the number on the helmet and deludes the rest of the league into thinking this is a good idea. The Broncos should leave the vertically-striped socks in the closet and the Steelers should leave their past buried as well. The White Sox never wear shorts. Do you think the 2034 Vikings are going to wear whizzinators?
Van: See, this is what I’ve always suspected: that a fashionista lurks beneath that football exterior. I mean, not that anything’s wrong with it, you know, don’t ask, don’t tell and all that, but when the only criticism you can level is at color schemes and cod-pieces, well, the gay-dar goes to Threat Level Orange just to be safe…
Detroit at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
Dear Philadelphia: shut up. No, seriously, shut the hell up. Your backup quarterback is Kevin Kolb. I don’t even have to elucidate which Kevin Kolb I am talking about, because every Kevin Kolb on the planet Earth is equally prepared to play quarterback in the NFL right now. Besides, you have bigger problems. This week, you have a game against God. Up to this point, God had never shown any affection for the city of Detroit, then all-of-a-sudden-like, BOOM, he heals Jon Kitna. Jon is HEEEEALED. Jesus’ blessing is upon Detroit. Finally. And Old Testaments curses are on Minneapolis, I guess. Not being a theologian (at least not like Kitna or Reverend Applewhite), I cannot tell you exactly what it takes to beat God, but Philly probably needs a healthy Bryan Westbrook, and they do not have one.
Van: You want theology? Check John Calvin vs. Jacob Arminius (Calvin won that one 5-0, and it wasn’t that close)…or perhaps Augustine vs. Pelagius (again, blowout of Church-changing proportions). You want spelling? Check NFL.com, where, last I heard, the Eagles were hoping that BRIAN Westbrook would help the offense. And, for the record, he won’t…because an atrophied Donovan McNabb is still the QB until he’s irretrievably broken. And the sooner the better, for the familially-challenged Andy Reid…
Miami at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Trent Green woke up last week and found himself in a warm climate with an offensive-minded coach and some actual receivers. Chad Pennington will wake up this week with a bad wheel and his generation’s best pass rusher in town. Who would you rather be?
Van: I’d rather be myself, with a 4-game (and growing) cushion over the junior varsity…
Buffalo at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Do you really need an explanation for why the Pats beat the Bills at home?
Van: That’s just lazy, dude…all of three people read my blog, and you’ve disrespected all of them. The good news is that your sister will pimp-slap you at Thanksgiving, to the sound of applause. My own sister will read this and not realize that she took a beating until the swelling starts to rise underneath her eye…heh heh heh…
Minnesota at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
This is a matchup of marquee offenses showcasing their first ballot quarterbacks, Damon Huard and Tavrereous Jackson. Jackson has a better line, Huard has a better running back, and in a special promotion celebrating the one hundred twenty-eighth year of football in this country, I, William L. Bryan, will be the number one wide receiver for both teams. I will personally attempt to do what no other receiver has done this year, which is to stop these noble quarterbacks’ throws before they get either to the other team or to the grass. The Chefs get the nod because LJ can play any position better than anyone on the Vikings’ offense except Steve Hutchinson.
Van: Stop it. You picked KC because they were at home, just like I did. I just have the bolss to admit it.
Indianapolis at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Houston is one Andre Johnson knee sprain away from winning this game. Johnson offered to make both Matt Schaub and David Carr look good, the difference being that Schaub accepted. This is a better Texan team than the one that beat the Colts at Reliant in Week 16 last year. As much attention as Schaub has received (much of it for not being Michael Vick), the stars of this show are the Texan defenders. As much praise as I care to lavish upon Houston, the 2007 edition is crippled without the quick-strike capability that Johnson gave them. Expect a lot of guys in the box, a lot of blitzing and a lot of press coverage from the Colts, and expect a pretty fair measuring stick for the Houston D.
Van: Something to consider: try reading a NEWSPAPER before writing. The only people still counting on the possibility that Andre Johnson will play are the hyper-paranoids on Indianapolis’ defensive coaching staff, a group that might not have taken Lavrentiy Beria for being a little too loose-lipped…egad…
San Diego at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Any boost the Packers accepted from last week’s play date with the G-Men is self-delusion. Until the Giants quit in the third quarter (oh, and they did quit), the Packers offense struggled, just as they did in week one against an Eagles team whose defense is also suspect. The 38 points the Patriots hung on the Bolts are not indicative of the Packers’ abilities. All that said, I am a little concerned about San Diego, and particularly their leadership. With exceptional leaders Junior Seau, Drew Brees and Marty Schottenheimer all gone in the past couple of years, who points this team in the right direction? I bought Norv Turner (albeit at a deep discount), but no I am suffering some buyer’s remorse.
Van: Green Bay plays the varsity this weekend…and gets properly wedgie’d for their cheek…
Cincinnati at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
All of Cincinnati watched through their fingers as the Bengals’ defense settled all of its unanswered questions from week one by running around the field naked performing show tunes and forgetting choreography. The good news is that their O ran wild over the very slightly less helpless Browns D, effectively announcing a season-long track meet. Fun to watch, but it’s never too early to write them in for an ignominious first-round playoff loss to a team who, you know, runs the ball and plays defense. Expect Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander and Deion Branch to look rejuvenated, cavorting like football is fun again, but do not expect them to be quite fast enough to beat Carson Palmer and company in the day’s final heats. This week, Van and I will be playing to see who gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator next week.
Van: What Bill didn’t tell you is that the LOSER gets to be the Bengals’ defensive coordinator against the signal-stealing Patriots next weekend. I’d tell you what the winner gets to do, but modesty prevents. Suffice it to say that it begins with insulting Bill a fourth time (to paraphrase the Fronch knnnnnnigit of Holy Grail fame)…and, well, that might be enough.
Cleveland at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
This is a matchup of the two teams that showed us the most in week two. The Raidas have heart, something we have been unable to say until Gruden jumped ship, and the Browns have…something. 51 points is a lot. I have to consult my sister for sure, but it is at least an assload, all greater designations being unprintable. Even after you deduct reasonable percentages for flukiness and a horrid defense, it is still a ton of points. Oakland’s defense is a lot tougher than Cincinnati’s, and with each passing week, Daunte Culpepper is closer to being ready to play. For some reason, I watch Lamont Jordan and think he can play and nobody else does. I am willing to accept that I am wrong, as opposed to everybody else (because that would be arrogant), but I still think it. I will take heart and a steady running game over an inexplicable one week explosion, but the truly remarkable thing here is that I actually want to watch this game. By the way, isn’t it time the Browns stopped wearing their throwback uniforms, too?
Van: HAH! The truth comes out! NOW I know how the Guy That Couldn’t Shoot Straight tied me last weekend…he’s consulting his sister. (Sisssster…Obi Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you won’t turn to the Dark Side, then perhaps she will…)
Jacksonville at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
It may be time to admit the Jags look awful. It might be unfair to place it all at the feet of their petty and vindictive head coach, but maybe not. Jack Del Rio is the only guy in America who thinks David Garrard is better than Byron Leftwich, Fred Taylor is better than Maurice Jones-Drew, and Ernest Wilford is better than Reggie Williams. As a former linebacker, is it possible he cannot develop or deploy offensive talent? Or perhaps that he has a weird, Jungian, imbedded hatred of offense generally? Meanwhile, the Broncos will struggle to their third straight get well game. What happens when our heroes play a decent team, maybe one who regularly slaps them around like Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver? Stay tuned as they travel to Indianapolis in Week Four.
Van: (Col: Why do you have ‘born to kill’ on your helmet, and a peace symbol on your body armor? Private Joker: Sir…I don’t know, sir. Col: Son, you better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant sh*t on you. Private Joker: Sir, I was making a statement about the duality of man. Col: What? Private Joker: You know, the Jungian thing, sir. Col: You really need to stop listening to Bill Bryan. He may be the only man in this hemisphere capable of misspelling “embedded” and misusing “Jungian” in the same sentence. Stick with me, son. Help the good guys. Shoot the bad guys. And pick the winner like we were paying you to use fewer words.)
The Giants at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Dear Mr. Mara: fire Tom Coughlin. Do it now. No NFL team has quit like your boys did since the 2002 New Orleans Saints, and Tom Benson had to watch Jim Haslett coach a very talented football team to a 19-29 record in three more seasons before determining that he was not the guy. I always figured Haslett had pictures of Benson and the goat. Put down the goat, Mr. Mara. Do not give in to petty blackmail. Your guys did not quit on Coughlin, don’t get that twisted, but neither did Coughlin keep them from quitting. Nobody wants to go 0-16. Fire Coughlin now.
Van: Wanting to go 0-16 and actually going 0-16 have NOTHING to do with each other, and the G-Men are doing everything in their power to take the old Suckaneers off the SHNIDE…not to rub anything in, you understand…
Carolina at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Joey Harrington looked OK last week. Is this the newly competent Harrington we saw in preseason or the bumbling Jags’ D we saw in week one? Ask me again next week. Meanwhile, Carolina shuffles around with their usual early season indifference. We have this buddy, The Walrus, for whom picking up women is so simple as to be uninteresting, so he handicaps himself. Rather than beginning a conversation at ground level, he digs himself a hole to see if he can get out of it and then get the girl to go home with him. For instance, he might approach a woman and tell her that her outfit makes her look fat, and then try to pick her up. Such is the Panther Way. Anybody can go 13-3 and get to the playoffs, but it’s a lot more titillating to start 2-6 and then see if you can make the playoffs.
Van: First it’s color schemes. Now, it’s The Walrus. What are you really trying to say, Bill? Really? I mean, I’m there for ya, but, like Eddie Murphy said, after the game I’m gonna have the beer…
Dallas at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Chicago and their JV backfield had better duck. Da Bears get the nod by virtue of playing in Soldier Field, but in matchup terms, the ‘Boys have more edges here than a ninja star. Tony Romo and his offensive line have done a superior job the first two weeks of creating and using great big airstrip-looking passing lanes, and while they will find Tommie Harris harder to move than a gun safe (if you’ve ever tried, you know), this is where the Bears miss cuddly ole Tank Johnson. If Dallas wants to win, they had better not expect great things from some of the slow-developing plays they have been running, but they have most of what they need to go into Chitown and steal one.
Van: This is a classic liberal Democrat, Hilary Clinton-Rodham flip-flop. You vote FOR Chicago, but only AFTER giving every possible reason to vote for Dallas. (Senator John Kerry: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”) This way, no matter who wins, you can try to spin the sound-bite of your choice and appeal to the middle. (Chicago wins? Oh, yes, I picked them. Dallas wins? You’ll remember that I said yada yada yada Ninja throwing stars yada yada yada…)
Tennessee at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I realize this looks more like dogmatic fever than football analysis, but the fact is that I cannot see anything wrong with New Orleans and I know exactly what is wrong with Tennessee. This is not to say that the Ain’ts have been anything short of ludicrous, I just cannot say why (I mean, their O-line can’t play dead, I get that, but they should be able to). The Tuxedoes have too many eggs in one basket – Vince giveth and Vince taketh away. Vince pulls out his stuff and clanks all the way down the field, leading a heroic charge only to throw a mind-numbing interception or take a childish penalty to set the whole thing aflame. My confusion buys New Orleans one more week on the dole. They get the benefit of the doubt that the Rams do not because I am capricious, unreliable and inconsistent. By the way, in 2000 I got 12 Saints games wrong. It got to be like that scene from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead where they’re flipping coins, winner keeps it, it comes up heads 860 times in a row but the guy who is losing keeps guessing tails because it has to be eventually.
Van: You’re just wrong. Take your medicine like a man, because you’re just wrong. It only took you 200 words to be wrong, but who’s to stop a man from putting six bullets into the revolver and volunteering to play Russian roulette first? Like John Creasy said, the bullet never lies…
Labels: Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 12:00 PM
1 Comments:
1) I do not need to wait until Thanksgiving to pimp-slap Bill. We are in the same fantasy league. Ask him where he resides in the standings.
2) Bill has not been consulting with me on his picks. If he was, y'all would be nit-picking for supremacy right now because I went 14-2 in Week 1 and 11-5 in Week 2.
3) If you think the uni critique was suspect, you should see the collection of shoes under Bill's bed.
4) If your waffling-Democrat comments are to be trusted, you may be a Republican too, thus the whole "dark side" issue may be moot.
Um... sorry, Brother. I wish I knew Van well enough to bitch-slap him once in awhile too.
Mostly what I know about Van right now is that he spends a certain amount of his valuable time checking your spelling against the NFL website.
I thought you told me he had a job.
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