Week 2 Prognostications...Bill Gets Spanked Again
Van: You'd think that after the beating Bill took last weekend (me: 12-4, Bill: 8-8) that he'd have learned his lesson, but nooooo, he's right back for some more. Some guys never learn...
Congratulations. Very nice, Van. You won Secretary’s Week.
Week One in the NFL is historically a mess, a week you can look back on at the end of the season and wonder how it happened. For those of you with an office pool, who won? Was it the former linebacker or the roto-geek? Nope. It was the woman who swore off football when Kenny Stabler retired, the woman who wonders why L.A. is not playing this week, the woman who picks her favorite cities, the woman who asked you, “What color are Tennessee’s uniforms?” Yup. Secretary’s Week.
Van: What? The sun was in your eyes? You didn’t know it was flaxseed oil? You had no idea what your cousin was doing at your house? Yada. Yada. Yada.
So enjoy it, Mr. Walker, but welcome back to this planet. I’m afraid you will find it different than you left it.
To view Van’s fantastical Week Two notions, along with my always very rational refutations, please visit my website here.
Houston at Carolina
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Houston’s week one victory only means that they can beat one of the NFL’s worst teams at home. Until they prove something, anything, we must assume that they still unprepared to beat a playoff-caliber team on the road. The Panthers’ resurgent defense shut down Steven Jackson, so 52 year-old Ahman Green should not present a lot of challenge.
Van: The Panthers shut down Steven Jackson because the Rams O-line is broken. St. Louis is a fraud. Matt Schaub continues to twist the knife in Rich McKay’s gut as Houston pulls of what should not be considered an upset.
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
In order to get revenge on Pittsburgh for their week one whacking, Cleveland cleverly traded away their starting quarterback. In chess, this tactic would have a name, like “The Al Davis Gambit” or “The Complete Dumbass Maneuver.” Did you see Phil Savage protest too much about how they are actually trying to win games? Cincinnati is coming off of a huge Monday Night win that answered absolutely nothing about their team. Can their defense stop a team that does not regularly hand them the ball for no reason? This would have been a trap, a great opportunity for a Cleveland upset, but Phil Savage had to try to recreate his great Lawyer Milloy victory of 2003. The difference is that the Browns are not a winner, not champions, and they will be at least to Saturday walk-throughs before they can keep anything in their heads but “what the hell was that?” The Browns’ season is doomed.
Van: This one’s so obvious, even Bill couldn’t mess it up…Travis Henry and his nine kids by nine different women could beat the Browns right now.
Atlanta at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
After playing the submissive for Tennessee’s running game, the Jags get a week back in the lab to figure out what they did wrong and then a scrimmage against the I-AA Falcons to test it all out. Last week was one of those famous, weird first week outliers; unfortunately, after bullying the clueless Falcons, the Jags will enter week three still having no idea who they are.
Van: The Falcons have been circling the drain since April…and we already know who the Jags are: a bottom-tier team in what we thought was a top-loaded conference.
Green Bay at The Giants
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
The G-Men flashed both style and substance before falling to the ‘Boys last week, and although I believe they are a better team than the Packers, and although I like them at home, the Giant quarterback question has no answer. The worst idea in Tom Coughlin’s bountiful stash of bad ideas is to start Eli Manning with a separated throwing shoulder. Brian Griese played most of a season in that condition in Denver, and the savvy football fan learned that a passing game that only extends eight yards down the field is easy to defend. The second worst idea is starting Jared Lorenzen. It may have escaped your attention, but Lorenzen is fat. Big and fat. Goofy fat. He may be down from the reported 320 he weighed at Kentucky, but he is still fat. Maybe that’s okay, because there is really no precedent (guys like Billy Kilmer, who played in the Pleistocene era, do not count), but I am guessing it is not. I am guessing we are about to find out there is a reason that there are no fat NFL quarterbacks. I want to take the Giants, but see no way around their quarterback, whoever he is, losing them a game here.
Van: Fat QB Precedent, Modern Era: Jim Miller, Steelers and Bears. There may have been nothing funnier than Miller, with a body built by copious amount of suds, getting busted for steroids when he was a Bear.
Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
It’s tough to play in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh looked great last week and Buffalo did not and I am sure we all agree on this game. So naturally, I do not want to talk about this game. Surely, everyone has been following the Kevin Everett story. Since you have been following this, you know that Bills owner Ralph Wilson has pumped millions of dollars into spinal cord injury research and had the team and medical staff prepared for such an injury. Wilson is a model of positive karma, but more importantly, shouldn’t he be running FEMA?
Van: Two encouraging things to take from this story: one, Everett was able to respond to his mother’s touch. With every report of his extremities moving, I get more and more hopeful. Two, as Bill rightly pointed out, we may now have the blueprint for reacting quickly to spinal cord injuries, not just on the football field, but everywhere. As far as FEMA, there’s nothing wrong with FEMA. Kanye West told us that FEMA works; it's just that Bush hates black people, and if Kanye West said it, it must be true, right?
San Francisco at St. Louis
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
It might be some kind of weird optical illusion from being on the field with the Cardinals, but the Niners’ defense looked positively competent in week one. Here is a vote for the Cardinal Effect (a corollary to the Raider Effect). When San Fran steps on the field with a veteran offense, they will have the valuable opportunity to gauge their real-life improvement, and I am guessing it is not enough. Do not expect Steven Jackson to lay low for long.
Van: Steven Jackson won’t lay low for long. He’ll get knocked down behind the line of scrimmage, get back up, go to his huddle, get his number called, get the ball, and get knocked down again behind the line of scrimmage because of that giant, gaping hole where Orlando Pace used to be. It’ll be close for a while, until the Rams defense gets tired, then the Niners pull away.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
OK, so I was wrong about the Saints last week. Really, really wrong. Rather than learning as civilized beings do, I am going to stubbornly repeat my mistakes until I get the law of averages eventually makes me right. It’s not so much insane as…subsane. I am a little bearish on Seattle, but I was still puzzled that Tampa hung with them as well as they did. While Tampa will definitely win games this year, they are on the short list of teams for whom I can see no reason to win any.
Van: The Ashes Formerly Known As Jason David provide the only real counterpoint to the Patriot Games scandal in New England; David was a Colt for three seasons who practiced against Reggie Wayne every week. He knew what was coming and he still had no answer for it. That said, there is still no excuse for cheating…or for picking a Saints team on the road against a Super Bowl participant. Did you learn nothing from the butt-kicking Chicago put on them last season in the NFC Title Game?
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
I am on record as not believing in Vince and the Titans, but more importantly I will be picking Indianapolis until further notice. I know a beatdown when I see one.
Van: Just like a bad gambler, you’re chasing a bad bet with a worse one. You didn’t pick the Colts in what was a gimme, but now you’re standing behind them in a game that no wiseguy would touch with your money. Come Monday morning, the talking heads will all wonder if the Colts are a mirage after this loss.
Seattle at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
The Cardinals looked grittier Monday night than they have…maybe ever. Both their defense and running game showed up for a game, which would be a major victory for new head guy Ken Whisenhunt if he was not a purported offensive genius. While all that has ever been wrong with the Cards looked great, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin may or may not have even played. Now that Arizona is actually selling tickets, they have a chance to try out their new home-field advantage.
Van: Last week it was Atlanta, a pick which automatically qualifies you for bi-weekly, unannounced urinalysis. Now you’re picking Arizona. ARIZONA. Their offensive line couldn’t block your sinuses. And unless you’ve forgotten the Oakland lesson of last season, your best lineman should be wearing a helmet and not a headset. The only way O-line coach Russ Grimm helps this team is if he suits up and calls the rest of the Hogs back into action because these guys could be replaced by orange traffic cones without any discernible difference in the offense.
Minnesota at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
After games against Atlanta and Oakland, respectively, do we know anything about either of these teams? While I find it criminal that I have to choose between them, the Lions get the nod because Tavaris Jackson is still the Minnesota signal caller.
Van: Detroit is an urban wasteland of corruption and crime, from the incompetent mayor to the Road Warrior-like gangs south of 8 Mile…and the whole city will be arm in arm singing “We Are The World” when the Lions win this Sunday. Let ‘em have it; reality will come crashing in soon enough…like, say, Sept. 30, when the Bears take their lunch money.
Dallas at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The ‘Boys offense was awesome against the passable Giant defense and Miami’s offense was completely lost against last season’s 31st-ranked defense. Since the team who scores the most points typically wins NFL games, this should be easy.
Van: Let’s see: the Fish Guts gave Jimmy Johnson his golden parachute into retirement, and gave Nick Saban another line to add to the resume he faxed to Alabama right after training camp broke last season. But hope is on the horizon: 100 year old Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement…
The Jets at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
This is completely absurd. It speaks volumes about the depths to which I do not believe in the Jets that I am picking the Ravens’ second team to beat them. With Steve McNair and Ray Lewis likely out this week, and possibly many weeks to come, my Super Bowl pick looks decidedly less super, but still superer than the Jets.
Van: You should have abandoned ship last week. The Ravens are broker than Mike Tyson. The Ravens are broker than Kevin Federline. The Ravens are so broke, they can’t afford free speech. The J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets come into this game healthy, at least for the moment…I mean, their coach ratted out a Jersey guy. How long do you think it’ll be before the Man-genius ends up as one more face on a milk carton?
Kansas City at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
To take a line from Van’s repertoire – OH…MY…GOD. I do not like the Chiefs, Sam I Am. I will not take them on the road, I will not take them with a toad, I will not take them with the line, I will not take them any time. They suck, Sam I Am. If the Chefs score, this is a moral victory. Likewise, if Rexy cannot take this chance to get off the schneid (how do you spell schneid?), the Bears would be better off admitting that Brian Griese is the better quarterback now than in three months’ time.
Van: I’d go with S-H-N-I-D-E myself…or Earl Scheib…or Alysheba…or Alyssa Milano…ANYways, yes, Rex needs to get off of one of them…
Oakland at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Unsure as I was about last week, I can take the Donkeys with a clear conscience this week. Fly, Donkeys, get well. By the way, since Evil Al signed JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders are finally on the clock for next year.
Van: I like this game as a real confidence-builder for Jay Cutler after last week’s Houdini impression. As much as pulling one out of your nether regions still counts in the left column, a sound and thorough beating of the benighted Raiders will go a long way to letting the kid know he’s here to stay. It wouldn’t surprise me at all, given the whole Mike-Shanahan-Mike-Lombardi-We-Just-Hate-The-Raiders-Because-They’re-The-Raiders thing, if Shanahan lets this one get to 50 before calling off the troops.
San Diego at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
I have no earthly idea who will win this game. If this game is in San Diego, the Chargers win, but New England has this weird home field advantage. It’s almost like they know what the other team is going to run. OK, that was cheap (which is not to guarantee that I will not do it again), but much like last week’s Chargers-Bears game (this year’s Chargers schedule brought to you by Idi Amin and Papa Doc Duvalier), we just do not know enough about this year’s iteration of these teams to know what will happen.
Van: New England wins going away, because they are still stealing signs. What, you really think they were dumb enough to have a guy standing on the sideline with a camera? With the technology available today? The guy that was caught was the fall guy. Belichick knew that the Man-genius would rat him out the first chance he got, so he set Mangini up. The real camera man is sitting about two rows up from the team bench, at midfield, with a Fujifilm MX-1700 miniature digital camera and zoom lens (with 200 line-pair resolution) fire-wired to his Sony VGN U-70 mini-laptop, sending MPEG-4 video (for clarity) in encrypted bursts (industry-standard 128 bit, unbreakable except by the brute-force 30-node parallel-thinking monster computers of the NSA) to the dedicated server in the home team locker room for decrypting and dissemination at halftime. And everything I’ve just described, encryption technology included, (except Deep Blue, of course) can be had for less than the cost of a really bad used car…not that I condone cheating or anything, but it can be done a lot less obviously than having some knucklehead standing on the sideline like Cecil B. DeMille and cranking on a two-reeler from under a tarp…
Washington at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Illadelph gets well and the Redskins snap back to reality. I do not see this game being a lot of fun to watch, but the Iggles might wake up any time.
Van: The Eagles will need a police escort out of the stadium after losing this one, only to discover that the police escort was leading them into a Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team ambush…
Congratulations. Very nice, Van. You won Secretary’s Week.
Week One in the NFL is historically a mess, a week you can look back on at the end of the season and wonder how it happened. For those of you with an office pool, who won? Was it the former linebacker or the roto-geek? Nope. It was the woman who swore off football when Kenny Stabler retired, the woman who wonders why L.A. is not playing this week, the woman who picks her favorite cities, the woman who asked you, “What color are Tennessee’s uniforms?” Yup. Secretary’s Week.
Van: What? The sun was in your eyes? You didn’t know it was flaxseed oil? You had no idea what your cousin was doing at your house? Yada. Yada. Yada.
So enjoy it, Mr. Walker, but welcome back to this planet. I’m afraid you will find it different than you left it.
To view Van’s fantastical Week Two notions, along with my always very rational refutations, please visit my website here.
Houston at Carolina
Bill’s Pick: Carolina
Houston’s week one victory only means that they can beat one of the NFL’s worst teams at home. Until they prove something, anything, we must assume that they still unprepared to beat a playoff-caliber team on the road. The Panthers’ resurgent defense shut down Steven Jackson, so 52 year-old Ahman Green should not present a lot of challenge.
Van: The Panthers shut down Steven Jackson because the Rams O-line is broken. St. Louis is a fraud. Matt Schaub continues to twist the knife in Rich McKay’s gut as Houston pulls of what should not be considered an upset.
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
In order to get revenge on Pittsburgh for their week one whacking, Cleveland cleverly traded away their starting quarterback. In chess, this tactic would have a name, like “The Al Davis Gambit” or “The Complete Dumbass Maneuver.” Did you see Phil Savage protest too much about how they are actually trying to win games? Cincinnati is coming off of a huge Monday Night win that answered absolutely nothing about their team. Can their defense stop a team that does not regularly hand them the ball for no reason? This would have been a trap, a great opportunity for a Cleveland upset, but Phil Savage had to try to recreate his great Lawyer Milloy victory of 2003. The difference is that the Browns are not a winner, not champions, and they will be at least to Saturday walk-throughs before they can keep anything in their heads but “what the hell was that?” The Browns’ season is doomed.
Van: This one’s so obvious, even Bill couldn’t mess it up…Travis Henry and his nine kids by nine different women could beat the Browns right now.
Atlanta at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
After playing the submissive for Tennessee’s running game, the Jags get a week back in the lab to figure out what they did wrong and then a scrimmage against the I-AA Falcons to test it all out. Last week was one of those famous, weird first week outliers; unfortunately, after bullying the clueless Falcons, the Jags will enter week three still having no idea who they are.
Van: The Falcons have been circling the drain since April…and we already know who the Jags are: a bottom-tier team in what we thought was a top-loaded conference.
Green Bay at The Giants
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
The G-Men flashed both style and substance before falling to the ‘Boys last week, and although I believe they are a better team than the Packers, and although I like them at home, the Giant quarterback question has no answer. The worst idea in Tom Coughlin’s bountiful stash of bad ideas is to start Eli Manning with a separated throwing shoulder. Brian Griese played most of a season in that condition in Denver, and the savvy football fan learned that a passing game that only extends eight yards down the field is easy to defend. The second worst idea is starting Jared Lorenzen. It may have escaped your attention, but Lorenzen is fat. Big and fat. Goofy fat. He may be down from the reported 320 he weighed at Kentucky, but he is still fat. Maybe that’s okay, because there is really no precedent (guys like Billy Kilmer, who played in the Pleistocene era, do not count), but I am guessing it is not. I am guessing we are about to find out there is a reason that there are no fat NFL quarterbacks. I want to take the Giants, but see no way around their quarterback, whoever he is, losing them a game here.
Van: Fat QB Precedent, Modern Era: Jim Miller, Steelers and Bears. There may have been nothing funnier than Miller, with a body built by copious amount of suds, getting busted for steroids when he was a Bear.
Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
It’s tough to play in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh looked great last week and Buffalo did not and I am sure we all agree on this game. So naturally, I do not want to talk about this game. Surely, everyone has been following the Kevin Everett story. Since you have been following this, you know that Bills owner Ralph Wilson has pumped millions of dollars into spinal cord injury research and had the team and medical staff prepared for such an injury. Wilson is a model of positive karma, but more importantly, shouldn’t he be running FEMA?
Van: Two encouraging things to take from this story: one, Everett was able to respond to his mother’s touch. With every report of his extremities moving, I get more and more hopeful. Two, as Bill rightly pointed out, we may now have the blueprint for reacting quickly to spinal cord injuries, not just on the football field, but everywhere. As far as FEMA, there’s nothing wrong with FEMA. Kanye West told us that FEMA works; it's just that Bush hates black people, and if Kanye West said it, it must be true, right?
San Francisco at St. Louis
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
It might be some kind of weird optical illusion from being on the field with the Cardinals, but the Niners’ defense looked positively competent in week one. Here is a vote for the Cardinal Effect (a corollary to the Raider Effect). When San Fran steps on the field with a veteran offense, they will have the valuable opportunity to gauge their real-life improvement, and I am guessing it is not enough. Do not expect Steven Jackson to lay low for long.
Van: Steven Jackson won’t lay low for long. He’ll get knocked down behind the line of scrimmage, get back up, go to his huddle, get his number called, get the ball, and get knocked down again behind the line of scrimmage because of that giant, gaping hole where Orlando Pace used to be. It’ll be close for a while, until the Rams defense gets tired, then the Niners pull away.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
OK, so I was wrong about the Saints last week. Really, really wrong. Rather than learning as civilized beings do, I am going to stubbornly repeat my mistakes until I get the law of averages eventually makes me right. It’s not so much insane as…subsane. I am a little bearish on Seattle, but I was still puzzled that Tampa hung with them as well as they did. While Tampa will definitely win games this year, they are on the short list of teams for whom I can see no reason to win any.
Van: The Ashes Formerly Known As Jason David provide the only real counterpoint to the Patriot Games scandal in New England; David was a Colt for three seasons who practiced against Reggie Wayne every week. He knew what was coming and he still had no answer for it. That said, there is still no excuse for cheating…or for picking a Saints team on the road against a Super Bowl participant. Did you learn nothing from the butt-kicking Chicago put on them last season in the NFC Title Game?
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
I am on record as not believing in Vince and the Titans, but more importantly I will be picking Indianapolis until further notice. I know a beatdown when I see one.
Van: Just like a bad gambler, you’re chasing a bad bet with a worse one. You didn’t pick the Colts in what was a gimme, but now you’re standing behind them in a game that no wiseguy would touch with your money. Come Monday morning, the talking heads will all wonder if the Colts are a mirage after this loss.
Seattle at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
The Cardinals looked grittier Monday night than they have…maybe ever. Both their defense and running game showed up for a game, which would be a major victory for new head guy Ken Whisenhunt if he was not a purported offensive genius. While all that has ever been wrong with the Cards looked great, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin may or may not have even played. Now that Arizona is actually selling tickets, they have a chance to try out their new home-field advantage.
Van: Last week it was Atlanta, a pick which automatically qualifies you for bi-weekly, unannounced urinalysis. Now you’re picking Arizona. ARIZONA. Their offensive line couldn’t block your sinuses. And unless you’ve forgotten the Oakland lesson of last season, your best lineman should be wearing a helmet and not a headset. The only way O-line coach Russ Grimm helps this team is if he suits up and calls the rest of the Hogs back into action because these guys could be replaced by orange traffic cones without any discernible difference in the offense.
Minnesota at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
After games against Atlanta and Oakland, respectively, do we know anything about either of these teams? While I find it criminal that I have to choose between them, the Lions get the nod because Tavaris Jackson is still the Minnesota signal caller.
Van: Detroit is an urban wasteland of corruption and crime, from the incompetent mayor to the Road Warrior-like gangs south of 8 Mile…and the whole city will be arm in arm singing “We Are The World” when the Lions win this Sunday. Let ‘em have it; reality will come crashing in soon enough…like, say, Sept. 30, when the Bears take their lunch money.
Dallas at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The ‘Boys offense was awesome against the passable Giant defense and Miami’s offense was completely lost against last season’s 31st-ranked defense. Since the team who scores the most points typically wins NFL games, this should be easy.
Van: Let’s see: the Fish Guts gave Jimmy Johnson his golden parachute into retirement, and gave Nick Saban another line to add to the resume he faxed to Alabama right after training camp broke last season. But hope is on the horizon: 100 year old Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement…
The Jets at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
This is completely absurd. It speaks volumes about the depths to which I do not believe in the Jets that I am picking the Ravens’ second team to beat them. With Steve McNair and Ray Lewis likely out this week, and possibly many weeks to come, my Super Bowl pick looks decidedly less super, but still superer than the Jets.
Van: You should have abandoned ship last week. The Ravens are broker than Mike Tyson. The Ravens are broker than Kevin Federline. The Ravens are so broke, they can’t afford free speech. The J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets come into this game healthy, at least for the moment…I mean, their coach ratted out a Jersey guy. How long do you think it’ll be before the Man-genius ends up as one more face on a milk carton?
Kansas City at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
To take a line from Van’s repertoire – OH…MY…GOD. I do not like the Chiefs, Sam I Am. I will not take them on the road, I will not take them with a toad, I will not take them with the line, I will not take them any time. They suck, Sam I Am. If the Chefs score, this is a moral victory. Likewise, if Rexy cannot take this chance to get off the schneid (how do you spell schneid?), the Bears would be better off admitting that Brian Griese is the better quarterback now than in three months’ time.
Van: I’d go with S-H-N-I-D-E myself…or Earl Scheib…or Alysheba…or Alyssa Milano…ANYways, yes, Rex needs to get off of one of them…
Oakland at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Unsure as I was about last week, I can take the Donkeys with a clear conscience this week. Fly, Donkeys, get well. By the way, since Evil Al signed JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders are finally on the clock for next year.
Van: I like this game as a real confidence-builder for Jay Cutler after last week’s Houdini impression. As much as pulling one out of your nether regions still counts in the left column, a sound and thorough beating of the benighted Raiders will go a long way to letting the kid know he’s here to stay. It wouldn’t surprise me at all, given the whole Mike-Shanahan-Mike-Lombardi-We-Just-Hate-The-Raiders-Because-They’re-The-Raiders thing, if Shanahan lets this one get to 50 before calling off the troops.
San Diego at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
I have no earthly idea who will win this game. If this game is in San Diego, the Chargers win, but New England has this weird home field advantage. It’s almost like they know what the other team is going to run. OK, that was cheap (which is not to guarantee that I will not do it again), but much like last week’s Chargers-Bears game (this year’s Chargers schedule brought to you by Idi Amin and Papa Doc Duvalier), we just do not know enough about this year’s iteration of these teams to know what will happen.
Van: New England wins going away, because they are still stealing signs. What, you really think they were dumb enough to have a guy standing on the sideline with a camera? With the technology available today? The guy that was caught was the fall guy. Belichick knew that the Man-genius would rat him out the first chance he got, so he set Mangini up. The real camera man is sitting about two rows up from the team bench, at midfield, with a Fujifilm MX-1700 miniature digital camera and zoom lens (with 200 line-pair resolution) fire-wired to his Sony VGN U-70 mini-laptop, sending MPEG-4 video (for clarity) in encrypted bursts (industry-standard 128 bit, unbreakable except by the brute-force 30-node parallel-thinking monster computers of the NSA) to the dedicated server in the home team locker room for decrypting and dissemination at halftime. And everything I’ve just described, encryption technology included, (except Deep Blue, of course) can be had for less than the cost of a really bad used car…not that I condone cheating or anything, but it can be done a lot less obviously than having some knucklehead standing on the sideline like Cecil B. DeMille and cranking on a two-reeler from under a tarp…
Washington at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Illadelph gets well and the Redskins snap back to reality. I do not see this game being a lot of fun to watch, but the Iggles might wake up any time.
Van: The Eagles will need a police escort out of the stadium after losing this one, only to discover that the police escort was leading them into a Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team ambush…
Labels: Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 1:18 AM
2 Comments:
1) I went 14-2 in my picks last week. Take that. Both of you. And is it cowardice or narcissism that keeps Bill from allowing comments on his site? Or does he delight in forcing me to make you his answering service? Now go get me some coffee.
2) Your knowledge of fine automobiles is less than impressive (vis-a-vis the Mini Cooper Williams hack), and I can't believe my stupid brother did not stick up for my darling car.
3) Tennesee? Get out of the meth lab before it's too late.
4) If you say, "Chtulu" three times in the mirror during a Raider game, Al Davis will haunt your television for the rest of your days.
XOXO,
Bill's Sister
Because my basic "draft anyone in a Broncos uniform" strategy never guarantees much success -- I try (emphasize *try*) to stay away from trash talking.
But if I were gonna talk smack -- I'd do it like this.
(and if that's not enough to get you to check out my blog, I alsoi found a reason to post the Vai vs. Karate Kid guitar battle as well).
Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, ..Candyman --
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