Completely Pointless Debate

(It would not surprise me at all if this post got more comments than any other post I've ever written...)

So I'm surfing the 'Net, cruising aimlessly, looking for stuff that only a geek like me can appreciate, when I run across the following debate:

Which superhero(es) could defeat Cthulhu?

While I like the author's initial premise, I find that he's not giving either Cthulhu or the heroes enough credit. The whole idea behind H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos is that we've barely averted disaster on a handful of occasions, that Cthulhu has devoted cults of fanatic followers that are doing everything within their ability to free Cthulhu from his underwater tomb at R'lyeh, and that if Cthulhu ever got loose on this plane, it'd be all the worst parts of various supernatural movies, but forever. Where I have trouble with Hicks' premise is that he wrongly assumes that Cthulhu would need anything from his followers once they sprung him. Worse, Hicks wastes a good portion of his debate examining whether or not the heroes in question could deal with the followers, when, if you think about it, the followers are little more than henchmen. And any hero that can't deal with henchmen needs to turn in his cape and mask immediately. Thus, for my purposes, the henchmen are not in this fight.

So, which comic book heroes could take Cthulhu single-handedly? I'll go league by league, starting with DC. And, for space considerations, I'm only going to go with the top 4. I will hear any arguments for anyone that I leave off...and that would be a lot of people. Here we go...

1. Superman. Beyond all question, Superman could destroy Cthulhu singlehandedly...but only if something got the Big Blue Boy Scout all riled up, like Cthulhu eating Lois Lane because she was too stupid to stay in Metropolis (again). Superman's invulnerability would be tested, as Cthulhu is magical and Supes is vulnerable to magic, and Superman's mental toughness would get challenged as well, as merely looking on the cosmic horror that is Cthulhu drives most people insane. Still, I'm thinking that Superman incinerates Cthulhu long enough to transport the remains into the Shadow Dimension.

2. Batman. Actually, I like the Bat to finish Cthulhu more than just about anyone in either universe, with the possible exception of the Ultimate Hulk. First off, Cthulhu breaking into our world would catch everyone else by surprise, but not him. Second, given his fanatical nature, he'd have already studied this foe on the off chance that he'd have to deal with it himself. Third, Batman is only troubled by scruples where human beings are concerned. In this case, as Cthulhu is a somewhat amorphous, incorporeal being who intends to subjugate all mankind to horrid tortures forever, the Bat takes a couple of AMRAAM Slammer air-to-air/surface missiles, gives them a nuclear payload, and bombs Cthulhu back to wherever it came from. And there's no problem with The Batman looking directly at Cthulhu and going mad, because The Batman is already mostly insane anyway...no creature can exists in conditions of constant reality, and The Batman is the ultimate realist, which pretty much makes him as loony as The Joker, only rationally so.

3. The Flash. The Flash might be able to do it, but he'd probably die in the attempt. He'd have to move at the outer limits of his speed to disassemble Cthulhu at the molecular level, but the cost of moving that fast would cause him to drift into that dimension that exists behind space and time, where he'd likely stay.

4. Captain Marvel. Marvel could definitely do it, because he's basically a magical version of Superman...and remember, Marvel is the one character that Superman just can't beat down physically. Marvel could call upon that magical lightning to destroy Cthulhu, while his invulnerability, being magically-based, would protect him much longer than Superman's could. The problem here is that Marvel/Billy Batson is still something of an innocent, and looking at Cthulhu raving might drive him mad.

And for the Marvel side...

1. The Hulk. Either version, regular or Ultimate, it doesn't matter. The Hulk, perhaps even more than Cthuhlu itself, completely embodies rage and chaos, and The Hulk leaves nothing but destruction in his wake. The Hulk would likely eat Cthulhu and show no ill effects from it, as we have discovered nothing that can kill him. The Hulk would have no worries about madness, as his mind is, at best, limited to seeing how badly he can destroy anything or anyone that dares to stand up to him.

2. Thor. Thor is one of the Gods of Asgaard, and is likely familiar with Cthulhu from previous acquaintances in other, more distant places. Thor has taken down gods like Loki, and dragons like Fafnir. His battle, given his particular idiom, would likely be epic, and would last several days before Thor used Mjolnir (his magic hammer) to utterly destroy the creature forever.

3. Dr. Strange. Stephen Strange, long a student of the occult before he became the master of all magic, would know about Cthulhu. Given his power, he'd likely have communicated directly with Cthulhu, warning it not to attempt to break through to this plane, or have him to deal with. Cthulhu being what it is, it wasn't going to take such a warning lying down. Strange, being what he is, banishes Cthulhu to some inescapable dimention where it will feed on itself forever.

And, uh, that's about it, really.

I can't wait to read the comments on this one...