Week 6 Prognostications - Brrrr. Stickem.
So, Van and I tied this week. In order to secure this tie, I had to take my seven year-old son to sit at Invesco Field in the rain and watch the Broncos do whatever that was they did. Van will tell you they were allegedly playing football. You could not prove that in court. Since you asked, my son had a grand time. Hot dog, lemonade, little orange pom-pom, grown men all over the place turning to his father to ask, “can you *&%$ing believe this @$#*?”
Van: Actually, I was saying that during and after the Monday night game…geez…
Since last season’s Last Columnist Typing competition, during which you will recall I dominated Van like the mighty juggernaut I am, folks around these parts think my opinion is overly legitimate. Before the season, they asked me for a Broncos prognosis. I told some people 8-8 and some 7-9, probably depending upon how much I thought I could offend them. Many people were offended at either number because of the puzzling need of the American sports fan to hear pundits say nice stuff about their team.
Van: Bill’s right, folks. He’s the most dominant second-place finisher since Twice-A-Prince finished 31 lengths behind Secretariat in the ’73 Belmont…and click here if you want to see me pummel Bill some more.
All this to say, I may have been a little optimistic. Piss. Bugger.
Well, on with this week.
St. Louis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
It is completely inconceivable to me that the Ravens and Niners managed sixteen points last week. This game will make that game look watchable. This is what happens when the resistable force meets the movable object. I keep clowning teams for their lack of talent and depth at certain positions, but I do not even know where to start with the Rams. They may actually have less talent on the field than LSU right now.
Van: LSU? The Rams couldn’t beat Stanford right now…
Minnesota at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Lord, deliver me from teams who cannot be bothered to field an offense. We have two games right off the top for which DirecTV will not be refunding your money. Chicago’s defense gets a little healthier every day and so does Trvrereours Jackson, the combination of which makes this a walk-over. Besides, Brian Griese has two more weeks before he is a bad as Rex Grossman.
Van: What’s that disease where the head coach consistently ignores the best offensive threat on his team? Oh, right: rectal/cranial inversion. There is no truth to the rumor that Jack Del Rio, Norv The Idiot Turner, and Brad Childress are all afflicted, though all three were seen sharing a Coke before the season started…hmmm…
Miami at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Cleveland is a capable football team. Miami is a winless team whose mediocre quarterback’s career ended last week, forcing them to start their heretofore god-awful understudy to mediocrity, Mr. Cleo Lemon. Lemon is Boswell to Trent Green’s Johnson, Allen to his Gates, Loki to his Thor. If the Dolphins were not done at 0-5, they certainly are now.
Van: Cleo Lemon is Izzy Stradlin to Trent Green’s Slash, Janeway to Green’s Picard, Mario Van Peebles to Green’s Denzel Washington, oh…sorry. I got carried away there. Move along, move along.
Washington at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
This is only the Redskins’ second road game, and they should find out a lot about themselves in Lambeau. Jason Campbell has looked exceptional to this point, but on the road where he cannot hear against a top-flight defense, he will come apart. Campbell still has a lot to learn, and the first thing he is going to learn this week is that not all NFC North teams are the same.
Van: Nah. Paraphrasing Biggie (thanks, Marin): I always keep my Nina/ f**k a misdemeanor/‘Skins beat Packers like Ike beat Tina.
Houston at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Cue the circus fanfare, send in Doug Henning, bring me your finest smoke and mirrors, the Texans are going to play another game with football player decoys at the skill positions. They are killing time until they get healthy, and somehow Gary Kubiak is winning here and there along the way and making the Texans look like a playoff contender when they do finally have some players. Maybe they can have Cincinnati’s spot. Anyway, the fluorescent pink inflatable duck is not going to keep the Texans from drowning this week.
Van: Jack Del Rio? Meet Maurice Jones-Drew. MoJo? Del Rio. We all set here? Good. Now, Jack, hows about you loosen up that tie, send Fraud Taylor for some coffee, and give Mr. MoJo here the ball 60 or so times this game, hmmm? There’s a nice bonehead coach…
Cincinnati at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Speaking of Cincinnati…awful, and no end in sight. See, Marvin Lewis can throw every clueless guy off the team, but that leaves him with literally nobody to play defense and some decidedly non-figurative holes in his offensive line. I do not trust Kansas City as far as I can throw them, but the Bungles are, um, even heavier in that way.
Van: Legal analysts in Ohio are checking to see if the Bengals returning to Cincinnati after a loss qualifies for double jeopardy, or at least cruel and unusual punishment…
Philadelphia at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Ugh…aaaaaaaaaarrghh…bleah. What the hell is going on this week? I cannot decide whether it is some serious evil overlord #$%& going on with the schedule maker that we have all these inexcusable games or it is supremely considerate of the benign angelic order of schedule makers to sequester all the awful unwatchable teams within just a few games. The coinflip says…Eagles. Damned if I care, though.
Van: Dude, you are making this waaaaaay too easy. Have you seen Philadelphia this season? The only team they’ve beaten are the Lions, and the Lions are only the worst 3-2 team in the history of professional sports. Andy Reid's mind is a million miles away from the football field, Marty By-God Morninghweg is calling the shots, Donovan McNabb runs like a Republican in Chicago, and there is no help in sight.
Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Here it is, a smackdown between two teams that I was absolutely sure sucked but turned out to be pretty good clubs. Since that time, it turns out the Bucs should have been stockpiling running backs instead of quarterbacks. So…the Titans in the Sombrero with a superior running game.
Van: Plenty of room here on the Tyrants bandwagon, jump right on! And, for the record, you'll note that I called Tennessee a pretty good club waaaaay back before the season started...but it could be worse; you could still be picking New Orleans.
Carolina at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Ooo, Tommy John surgery. That’s bad, right? Who’s Carolina’s…ooo. David Carr. That’s bad, right? I heard John Fox talking about how he was going to adjust the offense to take advantage of David Carr’s strengths. Dom Capers wants to hear all about it when you’re done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I still like the Cardinals. I like them even better with Kurt Warner at the helm, because I have leftover man love from 2002.
Van: I had leftover Manwich last night…does that count? Where do you find this man love? Is that anything like hopelessly picking New Orleans every week but this one? (Okay, okay, I'll stop beating on New Orleans. No one else will, but I'll stop.)
New England at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: New England
Before the Buffalo game, which may have been the strangest NFL game I have ever seen, I might have taken a flyer on the Boys here. They are at home, and all of the reasons that they are 5-0 come to bear on the Patriots as much as they do any other team, but then the Buffalo game happened. The Patriots have not seen a defense like the Cowboys’ and Tom Brady had better have plenty of Charmin packed into his uniform, but after feasting on road kill for four weeks the Cowboys offense chose an inopportune time to lay out the blueprint for how to beat them. Note to Wade Phillips: you may not keep up on current events around the league, but Bill Belichick watches tape. I just hope Tony Romo’s postgame interview is half as entertaining after this loss as it was after the Buffalo win.
Van: Romo’s presser will be priceless because he’ll be concussed by the ageless Junior Seau. Hell, his ears might start flapping after this beatdown.
Oakland at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
I have this fantasy. It’s not as good as my Rosario Dawson fantasy, ‘cause that one is GREAT, but it is kinda funny. See, Norv Turner is watching game film. I’ve had this thing about game film lately. Anyway, Norv is baked out of his gourd, because…well, because he has to be, doesn’t he? Anyway, Norv has got his King-sized onion rings and he is sitting in the dark giggling and suddenly he has no peripheral vision, ‘cause that happens, and after some indeterminable amount of time he wakes up Ted Cottrell by yelling, “who is number 21?” Then after three days on mushrooms, he finds himself back at that stadium place and sure enough, there’s that guy wearing number 21 again. Weird. Should give that guy the ball. Where am I? Is there a Whattaburger around here?
Van: If there were any justice in the world, Norv The Idiot Turner would get kidnapped and replaced by a life-sized Norv The Idiot Turner standee; LT would play Madden ’07 and call the defense, and Quentin Jammer takes over the offensive play calling and threatens Philip Rivers within an inch of his life if he gives anyone but LT the ball…
New Orleans at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
Finally, a game on the road against an actual NFL team, a game I am sure that the Saints cannot win. The Saints’ D is like the world’s greatest couples counselor, fixing the strained relationship between Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck in three short hours. Free at last, free at last, great God almighty, I am free at last. I will miss the Saints.
Van: No one is fooled by jailhouse conversions, dude. Then again, maybe it was your beloved Aints losing to a David Carr-led team that gave you what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity.”
The Giants at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Y’know, the Falcons may suck, but they have been in all their games. With a guy under center who has flunked out of two horrific teams and a guy on the sideline who may be back in college before the end of the year and accounts unreceivable in the amount of $20 million, the Falcons should be forty points out of everything, but they are not. They will be in this one, too, but like their others, they will ultimately lose. On the other side of the field, after a discombobulating Week 2 trip to the Twilight Zone, the G-men might actually be good.
Van: There is no truth to the rumor that alleged Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino will be coaching this game from protective custody…
Van: Actually, I was saying that during and after the Monday night game…geez…
Since last season’s Last Columnist Typing competition, during which you will recall I dominated Van like the mighty juggernaut I am, folks around these parts think my opinion is overly legitimate. Before the season, they asked me for a Broncos prognosis. I told some people 8-8 and some 7-9, probably depending upon how much I thought I could offend them. Many people were offended at either number because of the puzzling need of the American sports fan to hear pundits say nice stuff about their team.
Van: Bill’s right, folks. He’s the most dominant second-place finisher since Twice-A-Prince finished 31 lengths behind Secretariat in the ’73 Belmont…and click here if you want to see me pummel Bill some more.
All this to say, I may have been a little optimistic. Piss. Bugger.
Well, on with this week.
St. Louis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
It is completely inconceivable to me that the Ravens and Niners managed sixteen points last week. This game will make that game look watchable. This is what happens when the resistable force meets the movable object. I keep clowning teams for their lack of talent and depth at certain positions, but I do not even know where to start with the Rams. They may actually have less talent on the field than LSU right now.
Van: LSU? The Rams couldn’t beat Stanford right now…
Minnesota at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Lord, deliver me from teams who cannot be bothered to field an offense. We have two games right off the top for which DirecTV will not be refunding your money. Chicago’s defense gets a little healthier every day and so does Trvrereours Jackson, the combination of which makes this a walk-over. Besides, Brian Griese has two more weeks before he is a bad as Rex Grossman.
Van: What’s that disease where the head coach consistently ignores the best offensive threat on his team? Oh, right: rectal/cranial inversion. There is no truth to the rumor that Jack Del Rio, Norv The Idiot Turner, and Brad Childress are all afflicted, though all three were seen sharing a Coke before the season started…hmmm…
Miami at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Cleveland is a capable football team. Miami is a winless team whose mediocre quarterback’s career ended last week, forcing them to start their heretofore god-awful understudy to mediocrity, Mr. Cleo Lemon. Lemon is Boswell to Trent Green’s Johnson, Allen to his Gates, Loki to his Thor. If the Dolphins were not done at 0-5, they certainly are now.
Van: Cleo Lemon is Izzy Stradlin to Trent Green’s Slash, Janeway to Green’s Picard, Mario Van Peebles to Green’s Denzel Washington, oh…sorry. I got carried away there. Move along, move along.
Washington at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
This is only the Redskins’ second road game, and they should find out a lot about themselves in Lambeau. Jason Campbell has looked exceptional to this point, but on the road where he cannot hear against a top-flight defense, he will come apart. Campbell still has a lot to learn, and the first thing he is going to learn this week is that not all NFC North teams are the same.
Van: Nah. Paraphrasing Biggie (thanks, Marin): I always keep my Nina/ f**k a misdemeanor/‘Skins beat Packers like Ike beat Tina.
Houston at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Cue the circus fanfare, send in Doug Henning, bring me your finest smoke and mirrors, the Texans are going to play another game with football player decoys at the skill positions. They are killing time until they get healthy, and somehow Gary Kubiak is winning here and there along the way and making the Texans look like a playoff contender when they do finally have some players. Maybe they can have Cincinnati’s spot. Anyway, the fluorescent pink inflatable duck is not going to keep the Texans from drowning this week.
Van: Jack Del Rio? Meet Maurice Jones-Drew. MoJo? Del Rio. We all set here? Good. Now, Jack, hows about you loosen up that tie, send Fraud Taylor for some coffee, and give Mr. MoJo here the ball 60 or so times this game, hmmm? There’s a nice bonehead coach…
Cincinnati at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Speaking of Cincinnati…awful, and no end in sight. See, Marvin Lewis can throw every clueless guy off the team, but that leaves him with literally nobody to play defense and some decidedly non-figurative holes in his offensive line. I do not trust Kansas City as far as I can throw them, but the Bungles are, um, even heavier in that way.
Van: Legal analysts in Ohio are checking to see if the Bengals returning to Cincinnati after a loss qualifies for double jeopardy, or at least cruel and unusual punishment…
Philadelphia at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Ugh…aaaaaaaaaarrghh…bleah. What the hell is going on this week? I cannot decide whether it is some serious evil overlord #$%& going on with the schedule maker that we have all these inexcusable games or it is supremely considerate of the benign angelic order of schedule makers to sequester all the awful unwatchable teams within just a few games. The coinflip says…Eagles. Damned if I care, though.
Van: Dude, you are making this waaaaaay too easy. Have you seen Philadelphia this season? The only team they’ve beaten are the Lions, and the Lions are only the worst 3-2 team in the history of professional sports. Andy Reid's mind is a million miles away from the football field, Marty By-God Morninghweg is calling the shots, Donovan McNabb runs like a Republican in Chicago, and there is no help in sight.
Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Here it is, a smackdown between two teams that I was absolutely sure sucked but turned out to be pretty good clubs. Since that time, it turns out the Bucs should have been stockpiling running backs instead of quarterbacks. So…the Titans in the Sombrero with a superior running game.
Van: Plenty of room here on the Tyrants bandwagon, jump right on! And, for the record, you'll note that I called Tennessee a pretty good club waaaaay back before the season started...but it could be worse; you could still be picking New Orleans.
Carolina at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Ooo, Tommy John surgery. That’s bad, right? Who’s Carolina’s…ooo. David Carr. That’s bad, right? I heard John Fox talking about how he was going to adjust the offense to take advantage of David Carr’s strengths. Dom Capers wants to hear all about it when you’re done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I still like the Cardinals. I like them even better with Kurt Warner at the helm, because I have leftover man love from 2002.
Van: I had leftover Manwich last night…does that count? Where do you find this man love? Is that anything like hopelessly picking New Orleans every week but this one? (Okay, okay, I'll stop beating on New Orleans. No one else will, but I'll stop.)
New England at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: New England
Before the Buffalo game, which may have been the strangest NFL game I have ever seen, I might have taken a flyer on the Boys here. They are at home, and all of the reasons that they are 5-0 come to bear on the Patriots as much as they do any other team, but then the Buffalo game happened. The Patriots have not seen a defense like the Cowboys’ and Tom Brady had better have plenty of Charmin packed into his uniform, but after feasting on road kill for four weeks the Cowboys offense chose an inopportune time to lay out the blueprint for how to beat them. Note to Wade Phillips: you may not keep up on current events around the league, but Bill Belichick watches tape. I just hope Tony Romo’s postgame interview is half as entertaining after this loss as it was after the Buffalo win.
Van: Romo’s presser will be priceless because he’ll be concussed by the ageless Junior Seau. Hell, his ears might start flapping after this beatdown.
Oakland at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
I have this fantasy. It’s not as good as my Rosario Dawson fantasy, ‘cause that one is GREAT, but it is kinda funny. See, Norv Turner is watching game film. I’ve had this thing about game film lately. Anyway, Norv is baked out of his gourd, because…well, because he has to be, doesn’t he? Anyway, Norv has got his King-sized onion rings and he is sitting in the dark giggling and suddenly he has no peripheral vision, ‘cause that happens, and after some indeterminable amount of time he wakes up Ted Cottrell by yelling, “who is number 21?” Then after three days on mushrooms, he finds himself back at that stadium place and sure enough, there’s that guy wearing number 21 again. Weird. Should give that guy the ball. Where am I? Is there a Whattaburger around here?
Van: If there were any justice in the world, Norv The Idiot Turner would get kidnapped and replaced by a life-sized Norv The Idiot Turner standee; LT would play Madden ’07 and call the defense, and Quentin Jammer takes over the offensive play calling and threatens Philip Rivers within an inch of his life if he gives anyone but LT the ball…
New Orleans at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
Finally, a game on the road against an actual NFL team, a game I am sure that the Saints cannot win. The Saints’ D is like the world’s greatest couples counselor, fixing the strained relationship between Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck in three short hours. Free at last, free at last, great God almighty, I am free at last. I will miss the Saints.
Van: No one is fooled by jailhouse conversions, dude. Then again, maybe it was your beloved Aints losing to a David Carr-led team that gave you what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity.”
The Giants at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Y’know, the Falcons may suck, but they have been in all their games. With a guy under center who has flunked out of two horrific teams and a guy on the sideline who may be back in college before the end of the year and accounts unreceivable in the amount of $20 million, the Falcons should be forty points out of everything, but they are not. They will be in this one, too, but like their others, they will ultimately lose. On the other side of the field, after a discombobulating Week 2 trip to the Twilight Zone, the G-men might actually be good.
Van: There is no truth to the rumor that alleged Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino will be coaching this game from protective custody…
posted by van walker | 11:53 PM
1 Comments:
Were the Jets and Iggles a good matchup last year?
Dear Norv: "flat" is not a valid learning curve.
I hate the Pats. I hate the 'Boys. I can't wait to see them play.
Point to Bill for Iggy Pop, point to Van for Biggie (you're welcome, Van).
Van loses a point for his Shanahan anti-slurp. If you want to go after Slowik, I'm right behind you.
Point to Bill for astute observations on Sam Adams the player, Point to Van for astute observations on Sam Adams the beer.
Bill loses a point for not knowing Cthulu.
Score still tied.
Is this a good time to mention I'm 50-26 in one league and 53-23 in the other?
(The answer, for those of you scoring at home, is yes. Yes, it's always a good time to point out your myriad superiorities to those who might cringe in their presence.)
As for the Broncos, how 'bout them Rockies?
XOXO
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