Week 8 Prognostications - Less is More. Really.

We have a new format here at the Posedown. The very clever observer might notice that I am on a two-week winning streak, but that is not the change. Let it not be said that Javan Walker and William Bryan do not care for their public. Oh, no. Acting upon feedback from our people, some of whom felt that reading our weekly picks was a career, you can now find games in AFC parks on Van’s site and games in NFC parks on mine.
As clear as this might normally be, this week the Dolphins play a home game in London and the Chargers play a home game somewhere. Hmm.

And Van is at home, literally and figuratively in the dark while the rest of us bask in the light. But he does have cabbage. Oh, yes.

Van: Hey, I like cabbage. I like the way it makes me smell. It makes me want to shuffle around the yurt in an old bathrobe and galoshes, and say stuff like “PUMPERNICKEL? Shuffle that elephant! Millenium hand and shrimp!”

Take your beating, cabbage boy. To arms.

Oakland at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Rob Bironas vs. Da Bears? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Thor? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Glenn Danzig? Hmm…Bironas. This week, Bironas gets his sidekick Vince Young back and the Tuxedoes roll over the Raiders. After signs of life, the Raiders resurrected last year’s defense this past week, initiating calls for…JeMarcus Russell? It sez so right here that no good can come of this.

Van: Rob Bironas might be the first kicker in league history to ice his leg after a game…geez…

The Giants at Miami
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Van’s Pick: The Giants
So what do you think is making Nick Buoniconti and the rest of his developmentally arrested buddies wring their hands harder right now? The 0-16 Dolphins or the 16-0 Patriots? If both came to pass, it would be proof positive that God disapproves of hubris. Neither has ever been done (while the 72 Dolphins won all their games and the 76 Buccaneers lost all of theirs, those were 14-game seasons), so even an imperfect student of history recognizes the great unlikelihood of an oh-fer either way. But 42-7 at halftime is awfully definitive. This game may represent the best chance the Fish have in the short-term to get into the left column, but only because it is such an odd circumstance. The Giants are too good, no matter where they play this. It would be better if they played it in Australia – then at least the Dolphins could circle the drain the other way.

Van: Technically speaking, the Coriolis effect has nothing to do with the direction water circles a drain, but with perception: an object that is moving in a straight line will appear to move in a curved line if the observer is moving on a rotating frame of reference. Realistically speaking, it won’t matter which direction the Dolphins circle the drain, because, with Ronnie Brown done for the year, they are terrible from every possible vantage point. 0-16 is a very real possibility for this bunch.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Cincinnati’s win over the Jets was as much evidence of their frailties as any of their four losses. Jets quarterback Chad Pennington went 20-31, 272 yards, 3 touchdowns and one pick, but rather than punching his ticket to Honolulu, he almost got benched. Why? He was playing the Bengals. A quarterback rating under 120 is evidence of gross incompetence. While the Steelers looked a little lost against the Broncos Monday night, they should be able to find themselves in Cincy. Marvin Lewis may be counting on a strong final month, which includes fortuitous matchups with the 49ers, Rams and Dolphins, to save his job. It won’t work. It’s one thing to have to bail all of your idiot players out of jail, but another thing entirely if they can’t play football.

Van: The inmates are running the asylum in Cincy, and things only get worse with Chris Henry back in the fold. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Pittsburgh ran up the score on them a bit.

Houston at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
There was a bit on the television show Ed where one of the characters put together a list of things he had horribly misjudged (“Thought Aquaman was going to be bigger than Superman”). I watched Sage Rosenfels play at Iowa State, and I am here to tell you he sucked. Really sucked. I watched him in Miami. Sucked there, too. I marveled that he was in the NFL, much as I thought everyone was aware that he sucked. Do you suppose Rosenfels sold his soul to Mephistopheles to be Jim Kelly for just one quarter? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just wrong about the guy. Doubt it, but maybe. Much will be made of San Diego’s great distraction at their burning community, but take all of that with a grain of salt. Nobody is in danger. Everybody is being evacuated and only their stuff is in danger. The difference is enormous. Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner has seen the light, LT gets the ball 35 times, the Chargers win. Time to make the donuts. Simple.

Van: One of the funniest things I’ve seen recently is that thousands of frantic, UV-deprived fantasy football owners were scrambling online late Sunday night to pick up Sage Rosenfels. Who knew? Still, it’s kinda hard to pick a team that had last week’s game won, only to lose it to the other team’s kicker…and we have to put Mario Williams' face back on the milk carton after a promising beginning to the season...sigh...

Buffalo at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
As I noted a couple of games ago, Chad Pennington is inexplicably playing for his job. I hate to turn on my Bills, who circled the wagons to lead me to a glorious victory over Van last week, but the Jets are desperate and the Bills are not yet good enough to win anything on the road. Did everybody see the Mangenius this week? He is where Isiah Thomas was a year ago, so beaten and clueless that the next stranger who approaches him in the street with a plausible idea gets to be his new top assistant. The J-E-T-S get a one-week reprieve.

Van: You are making this too easy. Really. Last week, you lucked into a win because Marshawn Lynch is a MAN at running back. Baltimore’s big-talking linebackers got smacked in the jibs by the Buffalo rookie, and they are waaaay better than anything the Jets can offer. And let’s not forget the alleged Mangenius and his “Fourth And Stupid As Hell” from a couple of weeks ago. Desperation is reserved for teams with a smattering of hope left (see Bears, Chicago). The Jets are like a severed limb that doesn’t realize it’s dead and keeps twitching for a few seconds until reality sinks in.

Washington at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I have been rifling my rolodex for a buddy who has maybe been in outer pace for the last month so that I can tell somebody about the Patriots. We need to get something straight here: I hate the Patriots. I hate the Celtics, the Bruins and the Red Sox, too, but I care a lot less about those sports. I just hate Boston fans. Accusations of institutional racism have some undeniable empirical basis, but the real problem is the posturing when their teams are losing. Boston fans are no more or less insufferable than New York, Philly or Chitown fans when they win, but when they lose, Boston takes it to another level. Every bad thing that happens is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody. Coaches and players who lose are not bad, they are the worst. Idi Amin, Ted Bundy and Bill O’Reilly are shoplifters next to Dan Duquette, Rick Pitino and Tony Eason. So I hate Boston teams. All this to say how incredible it is that I would rather watch the Patriots than my own beloved Broncos right now, because that is how much fun they are.

Van: Bill O’Reilly? See, that ain’t right. I haven’t said one mean or disparaging thing about the tree-hugging Luddites on the left all year and you gotta call out Bill O’Reilly for not goose-stepping with the rest of the Clintonistas…

Green Bay at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
Just playin’, Donkeys. You know I love you. While the Packers are technically better than the Broncos, they match up as poorly as is humanly possible. The Broncos cannot reliably do anything (and I mean ANYTHING, Brandon Marshall, you dumbass) except defend the pass. Offensively, the Packers can only pass. With very few exceptions, the Packers are not the Colts, and with Champ Bailey back the Packers will have tons of trouble moving the ball. If the Rockies get swept, Denver reverts to being a football town in a hurry, but if the Series stretches out to Monday, nobody will watch the Broncos-Packers game.

Van: As of this writing, the Rockies might not make it to Monday night. If they don’t beat Dice-K on Saturday, they will NOT see Jon Lester on Sunday, but Josh Beckett again. And that would be all for Colorado, friends and neighbors. Meanwhile, as a loyal fan of my beloved Bears, I must admit to having two favorite teams: the Bears, and whoever is playing the Packers. This week, Denver gets some love from me, so much so that I’m even going to postpone my weekly “Fire Mike Shanahan!” diatribe…but God help Leatherface if he loses.