Week 7 Prognostications - Normalcy Is Restored

See, here’s the problem with calling your blog “alwaysrightaboutsports” – what about those times when you’re wrong? What do you do about fever dreams or tequila hazes, those little Shakespearian misprisions that result in an embarrassing overcommitment to the Saints? Wait...my therapist is on the line. She says I’m projecting.

Van: I have a rather convenient life motto: often wrong, but never in doubt. This week, though, I’ll be right waaay more often than wrong. Check the slandered blog above if you don’t believe me.

So Van gets brutally beaten and left on the sidewalk for dead in Week 6. The police have no suspects, but there is no need to call in William Peterson – it was me. I beat Van. And badly. And he had it coming. And now I am going to do it again. The police are gonna have to come and get me.

Van: So, do you like your words medium-well, or well done? I can recommend a nice Ripple (Oct. 2007) to wash them down.

Down to business.

Baltimore at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Despite Van’s constant assurances about Dick Jauron’s complete incompetence, Jauron acquitted himself well, announcing that Trent Edwards will start ahead of the perpetually clueless J. P. Losman. Despite their lack of talent further depleted by injury, the Bills continue to play hard and - dare I say it? – smart. Baltimore is an upset waiting to happen, a 4-2 lie, and the truth finally comes out this week in Buffalo.

Van: See? SEE? We aren’t one pick in and Bill has already lost his mind. How many different ways can I say it: Dick Jauron is the Anti-Walsh. He has twice lost games at home that he should have had in hand. They should be on the sunny side of 3-2, not the nether regions of 1-4. Baltimore pounds more lumps into Buffalo this week.

Arizona at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van has tried to tell you for weeks that God hates the Cardinals, and now the rest of us see the evidence. How else can you explain Him healing Jon Kitna but forsaking Kurt Warner? Furthermore, the Arizona Cardinals lost the Vinnie Testaverde derby. Wow. Wow and ouch. In case anybody wants in on this, www.godhatesthecardinals.com is mysteriously available. You gotta hope God is not their co-pilot, seeing as how they have to fly all the way across the country this week.

Van: If having millions of dollars, two MVP awards, a Super Bowl MVP, and a Super Bowl championship counts as being forsaken by God, He can start forsaking me any day now…

Atlanta at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I hate to go all Camus on you, but does this really matter? Really? Here we have a truly bleak game that will fail to keep the distraught from jumping, this week’s best reason to teach your old dog new tricks rather than watch football. I can put all imaginable effort into analyzing it, but in the end the only thing worse than the Saints is my comprehension of the Saints. If the Saints can win anything, and I am not saying that they can, isn’t it the Falcons at home? In addition to the crushing multitude of problems the Falcons have developed, they now have to add Bobby The Bitch Petrino to the list of Coaches Who Have No Idea Who Their Best Offensive Player Is (CWHNIWTBOPI for those that know) and Jerious Norwood to that group’s growing list of victims. While he is usually a reliable scapegoat, the Falcons are about to find out that Joey Harrington was not the problem.

Van: Maybe it’s just us, but it seems to me that when a guy is constantly outrunning the defense and scoring touchdowns, someone in charge might want to give that player more opportunities to do the same. But in the double secret probationary world that is NFL head coaching, some coaches think they are being clever by NOT doing the expected. When a coach eschews the obvious for treachery, well, his team is already on the clock…Brian Brohm, welcome to Atlanta.

San Francisco at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
The Niners could not score in Budapest with a thousand dollars. You probably have your own version of this joke, and this is a great opportunity to use it, because the 49ers are partying like it’s 1979. The Giants can apparently put up 30 on anyone, and that’s at least 21 points out of reach for the hapless Niners. Give them another week and San Francisco will get Alex Smith back, returning their offense to the torpor they experienced at the beginning of the season rather than the abyss into which Trent Dilfer pushed them.

Van: While I like the idea of coaches wearing suits on the sidelines, I just wish that Mike Nolan had given as much thought to his team’s performance as he’s given his haberdashery.

New England at Miami
Bill’s Pick: New England
Right now, Tom Brady is Critical Bill from the classic Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead: “I am Godzilla! You are Japan!” He will have to spend all next week picking Fish out from between his toes. You know who can beat the Patriots right now? The Rockies, but probably nobody else.

Van: Au contraire, mon frere. The Patriots can be beaten right now. Just not in this universe. Now, should we travel down an alternate pants leg of the Trousers of Time, we might find a team that could beat the Patriots right now. We might also find out why anyone thinks Ellen Degeneres is funny…then again, maybe not.

Tennessee at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Just like that, I am off the Tyrants’ bandwagon. If I did not like Tennessee with Vince Young, then I really do not like them with Kerry Collins. By the way, a hobbled Vince Young is Kerry Collins, you can only tell them apart by what they have to say about Muhsin Muhammad, so it does not really matter if Young manages to play or not.

Van: Just like that, you’re on the Houston bandwagon…heh heh heh. Don’t worry; I saved you some beer and a hotdog because I knew you’d be along sooner or later.

Tampa Bay at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
It appears I have a nine year-old’s hang-up on offense. The Lions cannot stop anyone, which probably even includes the rushing-deficient Bucs, but I believe in their offense’s ability to outscore the overloved Jeff Garcia, particularly at home.

Van: If you were at a swap meet, the Lions would be that pleather Johnny Hilfiger jacket on sale for $10 bucks. THEY ARE FRAUDS. Tampa Bay, on the other hand, is a conundrum wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a really cool logo (gotta admit it: that Jolly Roger looks cool…waaaay better than Brucie the, er, swashbuckling pirate from back in the day…not that there’s anything wrong with swashbuckling, mind you…).

Kansas City at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
The Raiders have heart, Daunte Culpepper looks pretty good, and they are at home. Of course, as a Broncos fan, I believe this would be a fine time for The Big One to hit the Bay Area, assuming such a thing is inevitable anyway. Needless to say, I hope everybody else wisely evacuates well in advance. Namaste.

Van: Namaste? Uh…may the Force be with you…? ANYway, now that we’ve exchanged obscure greetings, the fact is that Kansas City should win this game and they won’t. Such is life in the AFC Worst, er, West.

The Jets at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
There can be only one. I actually read some commentary on this game that said the loser could kiss the playoffs goodbye. Cue Jim Mora, Sr. PLAYOFFS?! Forget the playoffs. The loser of this game has to travel by Greyhound for the rest of the season. The Mangenius already had to turn in his weak nickname, but if the Bengals fall at home to the Jets, Marvin Lewis can probably turn in his playbook and go golfing with Lloyd Carr.

Van: If you’re going Camus on me with the Atlanta/New Orleans tilt, I’m going Nietzche on you with this one: No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant. In this particular case, anyone seriously believing that either of these two stool samples can make the playoffs is either deluded or a beat writer for one of these teams. No, let me correct myself: the playoffs have already started for these two teams. They just need to run the table from here to February. That’s the truth of it; both of these teams are one and done right now.

St. Louis at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
If this game were in St. Louis, the Rams might be picking up their inaugural W. These two teams are such a mess that they could not compete in the AFC South if they combined their rosters. Fortunately, they play in the NFC West, where the winless Rams are still in the hunt. This is the Isaac Newton division. All the Rams have to do is wait for the free-falling teams ahead of them to come back down. Marc Bulger is back this week, and poor a salve as he has been for the Rams, he is a huge upgrade on Gus Frerotte. Problem is, Steven Jackson is still a week away, and the Rams defense is still truly horrible.

Van: Seattle is just good enough to clean up the scraps in this “division”…but only just barely. The Seahawks will win and continue to defy all logic while doing so. (By the way, I know the NFL is all for parity, but what we have now is insanity. There used to be a day when bottom feeders and upper echelon teams gradually exchanged places over the course of a few years. One recalls the Super Dallas teams of the ‘90s going 1-15, then 7-9, then 11-5, then three Super Bowls in four seasons. The point is that the Cowboys eased us into accepting them as a good team after having been bad for so long. Now? St. Louis used to be good. Now they stink like a landfill. Next season…next week?...they might be good again. It’s enough to make a guy drink…)

Chicago at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Wow. Did this collection of “werewolves and axe-murderers” just rip off their dresses in their eagerness to lay down for a rookie running back? See, I use a formula to decide how good a game a running back has. It’s based on the Bryan Family Weight. If you have more yards then my three year-old weighs in pounds, you got into the game. Congratulations, do not forget to pick up your door prize. If you have more than my seven year-old weighs, then you are OK, provided you did not get a starting running back’s load. If you rush past my wife’s weight, that’s a pretty good game. It’s not getting you into the Hall of Fame, but it is unlikely your team lost. If you outrush my weight, you lit some fools up. Prepare this man’s bust for Canton, and make sure you get the eyes right. I’m thinking the Bears have enough pride left to regroup against a really bad Iggles team.

Van: You really better hope your wife doesn’t read this, because, as a recently married man meself, I can pretty much guarantee that there are two ways she’s going take your bringing her weight into the discussion, and both of them have you bleeding from every orifice in the very near future. I don’t care if she puts the waif in “waif,” a woman’s weight is the third rail of married life. Now onto the football stuff: shut up about Adrian Peterson, Mr. Clairvoyant. Nobody saw this kid slicing up the league like this, not you, not me, not anyone he’s played yet, and his coach still isn’t seeing it. But for Mr. Who-The-Hell-Knew-He-Could-Do-That Peterson, the Bears win that game easily because the Vikings got bupkiss from everyone else. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY on Philadelphia’s team will sneak up on them. The players can talk about wanting to win for Andy Reid and his ill-fated sons, but they’d have a better chance with some better players. The Bears win, period.

Minnesota at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The Cowboys-Patriots game was incredibly entertaining, and not just because I got the chance to text all my people in Dallas, “Y’all are getting worked.” While it is never a positive sign to give up 48 points in an NF of L game, the Cowboys proved Sunday that they are for real. Not nearly as real as the Pats, but still pretty real. They battled back twice in that game and the offense proved that they can hang a ton of points on anybody. The defense mostly proved that the Patriots could make them really tired. Fast-forwarding to this week’s game, it sez so right here that it is a lot easier to gameplan one guy than a whole team. Adrian Peterson will get 20 carries in the first half when the game is close and 5 in the second half after the Vikings, who have a little trouble stopping the pass, fall under the wheels of the Cowboys’ patented third quarter run.

Van: Minnesota comes in after a rousing win in Chicago. Dallas comes in after getting throttled at home by New England. Both teams are watching film and believing that they have found the key to victory. The problem is this: Dallas, perhaps more than anyone to date, knows that all they have to do is stop Adrian Peterson to beat Minnesota. Minnesota, on the other hand, knows that all they have to do is have the players on New England’s roster to beat the Cowboys. One of these scenarios is a bit more likely than the other one.

Pittsburgh at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Speaking of things to do in Denver when you’re dead, have you seen Travis Henry’s witless and irrelevant defense of his positive marijuana test? In the classic mold of “I didn’t inhale,” Henry’s two points of contention are that he did not get to have his own expert present for the testing process (why did you hire Johnny Cochran, Mr. Simpson?) and that there was only a little pot in his system, which he claims indicates it was second-hand. If you are a two-time loser in the NFL drug program and you have a contract that gives back everything except your raggedy-ass reputation if you are so monumentally stupid as to get caught again, then you walk into the place to be, you smell herb, you leave. You are no less stupid for getting it second-hand. Of course, this is a guy who has not yet figured out where babies come from. When I die, I will get no rebate for having watched this game.

Van: If you think that my werewolves and axe-murderers ripped their dresses off for Minnesota, I guarantee you that what Pittsburgh will do to Denver might get censored…

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Ladies and gentlemen, the Founder and President of CWHNIWTBOPI, Jack Del Rio. Here’s the thing: Van and I are not prophets of God (at least Van is not). We have exhausted ourselves all season yelling from the mountaintops that Maurice Jones-Drew is the Jag’s best player, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT. EVERYBODY already knew that. Pop Warner knew it and Pop Warner is freakin’ DEAD. In the last two weeks, Jones-Drew has 21 carries for 207 yards and three touchdowns, leaving only the unanswered question why he did not have 60 carries. Jones-Drew gets 25 touches this week and the Colts are defenseless. Write it down, and you only have Del Rio to blame if it is not true.

Van: You. Are. NOT. Serious. The Colts are not just another bunch of guys; they are a great team with Hall-Of-Famers playing for them. Jacksonville is nothing more than schedule fodder with a high opinion of themselves after slapping Denver around. Note to Bill: INDIANAPOLIS AIN’T DENVER. Indianapolis will continue to put boot to butt for the Hoosier faithful until New England shows up…