Playoff Prognostications - The Championship Round

A columnist for the Fort Worth Star Telegram once said of the Dallas Mavericks during their early 90’s nadir that you could go to Reunion Arena for any home game and sit in any section and hear somebody say, “What the hell was that?”

Van: I laughed my butt off when I read that. Gotta love sportswriters...nobody, and I mean NOBODY comes up with better snaps than sportswriters do.

All over football nation this past weekend, during those baffling fourth quarters where somehow the deservedly maligned Chargers and Giants both managed not to lose games, the cry went up in unison.

What the hell was that?

I am not surprised at the Colts or Cowboys, both very good teams with enough history of giving it up that nothing was inconceivable (inconceivable!), but I am surprised at the Bolts and G-Men, both of whom I can throw roughly as far as I trust them.

Weird thing was, I had already moved on. Chalk, chalk, chalk, and go drink until I can cash my tickets and roll to the place in the Forum shops that serves margaritas in giant footballs. Y’all feel me.

That’s right. I have spent the last week trying to figure out who would win the Ivy League basketball crown this year. Before you say Penn, check this out. After considerable research, I know only that this year’s Ivy League rep will pull no better than a 15 seed, will be at least a 25 point dog and will not cover.

Since we still have obligations to meet here, let us dispense with the obvious.

AFC Championship
San Diego at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
While it should be cold in beautiful downtown Foxboro, it will not rain, it will not snow and there will be only a mild breeze. What this means is that we have removed most reasonable impediments to the Patriots scoring 50 points.

Will they?

I doubt it. I have nothing to go on here except history. There are very few conference final blowouts. After the performances of Michael Turner and Billy Volek, have we all perhaps underestimated the dynamic duo of Norv Turner and A.J. Smith? These two are like Frederick, Leo Leonni’s immortal mouse who appears to be doing nothing while his buddies are collecting food for winter. Then when all the food runs out he sustains them with the warmth and colors he was collecting while everybody else was working. Maybe Turner and Smith were busy investing energy and resources in their bench, effort invisible until a time of crisis. Yeah, me neither. But something we do not understand is going on there, because a month ago we could all sleep soundly knowing that the idiots were running the asylum in San Diego, and now the idiots are the final sacrificial lamb left available in the AFC.

By the way, I would like to go on record as believing Randy Moss. I am not in any way saying that this is a good human being, an example to which I want my boys to aspire, but the timing of the accusation should be admissible evidence of extortion.

Van: When the defendant is silent for a long time, or says something about “waiting to sort out all the facts” or some other such lawyer-ese, he’s guilty as sin (see Clemens, Roger). When, as in this case, the defendant’s lawyers have already gone public very loudly, especially after Moss’ unscripted comments on the situation were broadcast, it looks like Moss is the one with nothing to hide.
Igor Olshansky, what the hell was that?

26-28. What the hell was that?

Igor, meet Tom. Tom, Igor. Igor, meet Anthony Smith. Ask him how that whole talking thing went for him.

Theoretically, the Chargers match up very well with the Pats. They have big, physical corners who both cover and take measured chances. I have no idea who covers Wes Welker, so see if he blows up, but Randy Moss may struggle here. It may have escaped everyone’s attention in the Fall of Love, but Moss prefers not to be touched, much less jammed.

Van: Here’s your dark horse, stat boy: Laurence Maroney. Check out his recent rushing totals. As you pointed out, the Chargers will be ready to jam receivers and bring the rain to Tom Brady. Don’t think that the Belicheat ain’t already there with a nice little play-action package that gets Maroney in the game early and takes some of the edge off that pass rush. And, as far as Moss goes, remember: all he has to do is get behind someone once. After that, the Chargers corners will be standing on the goal line before they let him burn them again. It sez so right here that Laurence Maroney is the MVP of this game.

The Chargers have the personnel to pressure Brady without blitzing, which is good since the blitzee gets over on that. Offensively, the Chargers run the ball, period. The best thing that could happen for them here is that Ryan Leaf, erm, Phillip Rivers is unable to go. And I realize this is heresy, and I am not saying that LaDainian Tomlinson is not the best running back of our generation, but if you had to sign only one running back for the next three years, given LT’s odometer, wouldn’t you consider making Michael Turner be your one?

Van: In the 88 year history of the NFL, only 27 players have more than 2,000 carries for a career. Only 6 have more than 3,000. Only Emmitt Smith has more than 4,000. Your boy LT is one of those with 2,000 carries. Just sayin'...

Belichick has them ready to play, and papa has a brand new bag of toys. You see at least three looks out of the Patriots this game that you have not seen all year, Norv and the rest of the Idiots struggle to adjust, the Patriots move to 18-0.

Divisional Round Prognostications - Better Late Than Never, Part Deux

(Van: See, these picks would have been posted on time, but apparently Bill still checks his e-mail with that damn smoke signal ISP that they use in Denver. Here in the yurt, we got the dish and wireless DSL baby...)

The interminable NFL off-season begins slowly in Denver.

Even as Van and I dwell on the positive, because we are positive guys, it is already the off-season for 99% of the world. In the Walker yurt in Outer Korea, for instance, it is the off-season 24/7/365. Think about that the next time you complain about your small kitchen.

Anyway, in Denver we do not fire people. We cut people in the middle of the season, we have assistants fly off to save Houston, but we do not fire people. If you do not fire anybody, you cannot hire anybody. The Senior Bowl and East-West Shrine Game practices have not started and the combines are months away. Even free agent players are still technically under contract, so we cannot talk to them or about them (which is not to say that we don’t, it is just very quiet, because Kommisar Goodell don’t take no mess).

Van: Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

But much like “it’s noon somewhere,” the NFL season marches on for some teams, so local markets still have to cover it. Our last two weeks in Denver have consisted of variations on two themes:

1. Mike Shanahan is our coach. The Rocky Mountain New needs Van, if only because he wants Leatherface fired. Shanahan holds a grudge like no other. Heck, 9 out of 10 elderly Jewish women say, “oi vey, he never lets anything go.” What this means is that if you want to write sports in this town, you cannot call for Shanahan’s head. Ever. Because if you don’t get it, you won’t get anything for the rest of your tenure, and it’s off to the Amarillo Star for you.
2. Brandon Marshall is really good. Marshall, like the rest of the ’06 second-string, blew up when Cutler got the start last year and has not really looked back. He does not have the world’s most reliable hands and he has to visibly man up to go over the middle (although he will, and that’s the whole point), but Marshall is an awesome physical specimen that is apparently impossible to tackle. Among the sidebar points to this non-story is that we will not miss head case Javon Walker (not to be confused with Javan Walker, whom we already miss) and that Marshall is living proof that Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it.

Van: “Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it”? See, somebody cue DMX’s “Party Up” because y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here...anybody besides me remember Kyle Johnson, fullback? He was on the team for five whole days before taking it in the neck. Or, perhaps you might remember the revolving door that is punter. And we ain’t even gonna start with the defense, where your mans Jim Bates fell on his sword after watching new faces show up in practice on a nearly daily basis. And does the name Selvin Young ring any bells? In a lot of ways, this was worse than watching Shenanigans switch Bells on us last season, because Travis “Puffy” Henry obviously had a lot more on his mind than football, and Young could advance the pigskin with alacrity when called upon...not that he was called upon as often as he might’ve with a coach that recognizes talent, mind you...gaaaaaaah! Whatever hold Rasputin Shanahan has over Pat Bowlen, it’s waaaay beyond pictures with farm animals...

I love the off-season.

Now, then. For those about to rock…

Jacksonville at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I am more tempted to take the opposing team here than at any other time this season. I love Jacksonville. I admit defeat, I admit wrongdoing, and I admit that Jack Del Rio has way more business being an NFL head coach than I do. Starting Fred Taylor was smart. It allowed Del Rio to deploy Maurice Jones-Drew, his Best Offensive Player, in different ways. It is no small deal that MoJo returns some kicks for the Jagwads. He is a game-changing force at the position, and as anyone whose idiot special teams coach cannot keep the ball away from Devin Hester (twice) can tell you, a game changer at kick returner truly changes the game. It helps that Taylor had perhaps his best pro season in justifying Del Rio’s faith. And who questions the Garrard over Leftwich decision now? I like the Jags in this game because they do what they do. Any team that controls the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball can win any game, and I guarantee you that in a private moment, Bill Belichick muttered expletives when the Jags beat the Steelers, because he is more scared of them than he is of the Colts. This is not to say that they are better than the Colts, only that they create much bigger problems for the Pats, whose D-line play has been spotty and who are run defense deficient.

Van: And, having said all that, Tom Brady finds Randy Moss behind/over the top/in front of/beside the defense for a couple of scores that will put the Jags behind and...cue closing credits.

San Diego at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
OK, second verse, same as the first. Is there anybody who thinks that Norv The *&$%ing Idiot Turner is a better songwriter than Marty Schottenheimer? This Charger team has locker room issues, which are always OK when you are winning, but in the second quarter when the Colts go up 21, don’t turn off your television. The fun is just beginning. You can stick around and watch the Bolts’ sideline turn into the Spears’ house.

Van: Here’s your bar bet for the game: who does LT go after first? Turner or Philip Rivers? Because somebody’s getting slugged...and, in other news, morning follows night.

Playoff Prognostications - The Wild Card Round

Like Gordon Gano warned you back in the day, “I hope you know this will go down on your permanent record.”

The best way to get caught doing anything stupid is have a permanent record of it. You should not, for instance, allow yourself to be photographed giving the Soviet ambassador the finger. You should not both play college basketball and have your picture taken in a hot tub with a guy whose nickname is “The Fixer.” You should not have your picture taken on your own freakin’ boat with a hot woman in a bikini who is not your wife.

If you are engaging in insider trading, do not communicate by memorandum. If you are going to sell out your country to an invading army, do not send them letters about it. If you bribe a recruit, do not send them a check.

These things will get you caught.

I recently found a love letter I wrote to my wife when we were dating. Not only was I an unbelievable wuss, but it was not very well written. In my senior high school picture, I am rocking, no kidding, a mullet.

Van: My sister Ellen is holding a picture of me back in the day with the full, blowout afro. She’s waiting until I do something that’s worth coin of the realm before releasing it to the world wide web.

Before the season, Van and I let you know. We dropped science. We served notice.

We were idiots, and we have proof, because we wrote it down.

So, now that the playoffs are set, let’s review the All-Singing, All-Dancing, Holy-Funkin’-Cow Big Dog Pre-Season AFC Extravaganza:

AFC East
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
The writing on the wall was apparently large enough for the blind to read.

Van: Seriously, there was no way not to make this pick.

AFC North
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
Van’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
When Brian Billick came out into the parking lot with his cardboard box full of his stuff, I held him down and Van beat him. The Ravens should go after his signing bonus and make him give his gold medal back.

Van: Actually, I’m thinking that the Ravens could just leave Billick in a locked room with Ray Lewis...and cue Pantera’s “Five Minutes Alone” after the door closes...

AFC South
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van was right, and I was not as wrong as I could have been (see AFC North).

Van: Actually, there’s no shame here at all. Right now, Jacksonville is arguably the other “it” team of the AFC...although I still believe that the Colts will have something to say about who eventually goes to the Super Bowl.

AFC West
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The best part of this was where I was like, “I don’t think Norv Turner can screw this up,” and Van went all Lee Corso like, “not so fast, my friend.” I honestly don’t know which one of us got that right.

Van: Yup, we got it right and neither of us trusts these guys farther than we can throw them.

AFC Wild Card #1
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Right. Me with a bullet…

Van: Talk about the friggin’ wheels coming off...

AFC Wild Card #2
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Van’s Pick: Tennessee Titans
…and Van catches the bullet and throws it back at me. We continue drinking and put the video on YouTube. People worldwide don’t get it.

Van: Before I go breaking my arm patting myself on the back for this one, I have to admit that Tennessee was fairly brutal this season and needed to beat a half-asleep Colts team to sneak in...not what I expected at all.

Make sure you check out my site, because our NFC picks were truly brutal. Especially his, because regardless of football acumen, I am better-looking and more erudite than Van. And I have pictures of him with the yak.

Van: The yak was consenting.

Tennessee at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Mr. Brown knew enough to give the ball to LT, and by Week 12, Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner caught up with him. This coincided with A.J. Smith’s vote of confidence. By the way, A.J., Mr. Brown is my three year-old son’s bear. He’s missing like 80% of his stuffing. Unfortunately, LT hates his quarterback and now that I think about it, I don’t like him much, either. So this will be the last time you see the Bolts picked here.

Van: I hate picking the Chargers. I just hate doing it...except that I can’t find a single, solitary reason to pick Tennessee. (And, for the record, Alex Spanos is an idiot for giving GM A.J. Smith an extension; Michael Turner will get traded, LT will break something, Philip Rivers will get beat down in the locker room, and Norv “Al Gore” Turner will be coaching from WitSec next season.)

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
You remember when poor Howard Deane got torpedoed for a single ill-considered whoop that “just wasn’t Presidential”? Can you put your finger on the Steelers’ last “Presidential” win? November 11th against the Browns. Two months ago. Since then, the Steelers have gone 3-4, with wins over the Dolphins, Rams and Bengals, a murderers’ row if ever I have seen one. When Deane uttered the howl heard round the world, he was already done. So are the Steelers. And you had better believe that the Patriots are sitting at home cheering for them.

Van: Bill, I have to admit it: I was wrong, waaaay wrong, about Jacksonville. I love the way they are playing. They have gotten legitimate production out of both Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, without making either man feel like the back-up, and David Garrard has fully justified Jack Del Rio’s faith in him. These Steelers suddenly look like the frauds that I believe San Diego to be, and it would not surprise me at all if this game gets ugly very quickly.

Week 17 Prognostications - Train Kept A-Rollin'

In Shakespearean terms, this is the beginning of the fourth act. Generally, the third act ends on a revelation. There’s some boom to it. The fourth act is the climax. In Harry Potter terms, it’s the big fight with Voldemort.

Often, though, the fourth act is constructed in miniature of the whole work. That is to say, it starts out of little consequence, builds action to a climax, then has its own little denouement before moving on the fifth act, which is the denouement for the whole work.

Van: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I nodded off there. What the blue hell were those last two paragraphs? This is FOOTBALL, not lit class, thou gleeking, onion-eyed canker-blossom!

This is the beginning of the fourth act. Little consequence. There is nothing scarier than a week with nothing to lose.

You know what’s going to happen this week? You wanna tell me? ‘Cause I’m about to make these picks and there is not one game on this slate that could not go either way.

The analysis has little to do with normal things – better teams, injuries, matchups. Crap. In basketball terms, this week is all DNP – CD.

Van: What is this, fence rail? Dude, this is FOOTBALL. Normally, you say something witty and then commence to screwing up your picks while wishing you were me. This week? Yeesh. (For those interested in truly witty commentary and devastatingly-accurate picks, click here.)

Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more.

San Francisco at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco sucks. They suck in a way irreparable in the off-season. They will fire Mike Nolan and suffer yet another coaching change, and a straw poll shows, in true Chicago fashion, that 13 out of every 10 fans wants Eddie DeBartolo back. Speaking of Eazy Eddie D, the Browns built their squad the right way, didn’t they? Wait on their screw-up tight end to shut up and get healthy, dumb into a quarterback, draft a potentially great receiver, pirate somebody, anybody from the Patriot machine. And yet…will their found object of a QB play this week, or will we see the Poor Kid Formerly Known as the Fourth Pick in the Draft?

Van: Cleveland at home? Check. Bad team coming in? Check. Cleveland beats bad teams at home? Check. The Browns win, but their biggest problem isn’t making the playoffs this season. It’s what to do with that Bonus Baby sitting on the bench, in light of Derek Anderson’s play. The sheer amount of cash involved demands some sort of return on their investment in Brady Quinn...but there’s no guarantee that he will ever be as good as Anderson is right now. You might ask the Chargers how that whole Drew Brees/Philip Rivers thing worked out. The Saints got a Pro Bowl veteran, and the Chargers got a guy that LaDainian Tomlinson hates.

Jacksonville at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Houston is just a little luck short of a playoff season. The Texans can play some football, proving once and for all that it is better to scavenge the Broncos than to actually be the Broncos. But without Dunta Robinson, without Andre Johnson, without Matt Schaub, it is harder to win. Next year, fellas. And in this year, Jacksonville is That Team. Every year, there is one team that nobody wants to play. On the road, at home, in the weather, in a dome, on a train, with a fox or in a box, nobody, and I mean the you, Mr. Belichick, wants any part of the Jagwads. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Colonel Del Rio sitting anybody for any reason other than pique. Jags roll.

Van: The Jaguars may be the most compelling reason for certain teams in the AFC to play hard this weekend, because no one wants to face them first. Jack Del Rio has built a formidable squad. And here’s something interesting that I read on Sports Illustrated’s NFL page: if a QB rating of 80 means that your QB is pretty good-to-great, then David Garrard is the best QB in the NFL, because he has yet to score below 80 in any game this season. This offense was tailored to grinding out close wins in the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Bungles are playing football, but unlike the endless Wayne Fontes cycle in Detroit back in the day (in Detroit, “back in the day” always translates to “when Barry Sanders was playing”), they started too late to save Marvin Lewis’ job. Strangely, the Dolphins may be in better shape for the future than Cincinnati. Cincinnati has very little talent on the defensive side of the ball, and most of their talent on the offensive side is cancerous and needs to be removed by any means necessary. At least Miami does not need to subtract.

Van: I’m still picking Cincy, based solely upon talent. Undisciplined though they are, they can run rings around the j-v in Miami. Still, don’t be surprised if we see something of an effort from the Dolphins. Ordinarily, they would already have the cars packed and running before the game ended, but then the owner hired Bill Parcells to be the Qwisatz Haderach of all things football in Fin-Land. The brighter among them might realize that this is basically a one-game audition for the Tuna, and that a good showing here means a job next training camp. A bad showing, and, well, who wants a castoff from a 1-15 squad?

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bad as Baltimore is, disconsolate as they are over narrow losses to both Miami and New England, fired as Brian Billick should be, unfit for the NFL as all of the Ravens’ quarterbacks are, this is a feel pick. If Pittsburgh wins, they march into the playoffs, fodder-to-be for the Patriots in Foxboro on January 13, Mike Tomlin’s first year is a big success, free pass to year 2. Similarly, Baltimore loses and they suck as we know they do, with their elderly defense and pedestrian offense incompetent to cross a street, Billick gets fired, Ozzie newsome is on notice, they start looking hard at Patriot copy boys to handle their personnel. But the chaos that ensues when Baltimore wins? The questions, recriminations? That’s what it feels like is going to happen.

Van: Feel pick? This is why you will never catch me, thou artless, fen-sucked hugger-mugger! Coach Loincloth will look at a post-mortem Ravens team and begin salivating about slapping them around for four quarters. Baltimore’s guys have flat-out quit on Brian Billick, while Pittsburgh’s guys get to go to the playoffs.

Minnesota at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Oh, goody. Tenth verse, same as the first nine. Quiz for you – what do you get when you pair a physical team who runs the ball and stops the run and has a playoff spot on the line with a wee little mermaid of a team that does not stop the run, cannot run their offense without the run and has absolutely nothing to play for? Just another victim, kid. Vikings by like 80.

Van: I’m just waiting to see which member of the Broncos blows up at a coach on the sidelines. And while I like Minny here, can someone please inform the Vikings players that smoking marijuana is a CRIME? How the hell do two (!!) players from this team get busted in the same month for smoking the doobage? I’m tempted to give Brad Childress a pass (after all, these are grown men we are talking about, and he shouldn’t have to hold their hands after practice every day), but I still wonder if giving out a pink slip or two wouldn’t have a chilling effect on the current reefer madness.

San Diego at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
This should be a riot. The Raiders play the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, bound and determined to lose a war to the United States, played in a fit of poor casting by Norv The #$%&ing Idiot Turner and the Bolts. In order to ensure a losing campaign, they deploy their very own Tully Bascombe, one JaMarcus Russell, an NFL quarterback roughly $30 million more accomplished than I am (P. T. Barnum on in 3…2…1…). The thing is, despite the involvement of Al Davis, this is nominally real life. As big a screw-up as Norv is, the Raiders have a Commitment to Excellence. Once they set their minds to it, there is no way they can win this game.

Van: The Chargers will win again. The fat heads on t.v. will proclaim them “ready for the playoffs.” Heh. In this top-loaded AFC playoff picture, I don’t see San Diego as being any better than the fifth team overall. Honestly, I don’t even believe that they are as tough as the Redskins are, and the ‘Skins might not make the playoffs in the NFC. This team is a bad loss in the playoffs away from falling apart.

Kansas City at The Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: The Jets
What if they had an NFL game and nobody came? Nobody watched? Because you know damn well nobody cares. Already 20 too many words burned on this rot.

Van: The only people who care about this game have money riding on it. And anyone who has money riding on this game needs real help.

Tennessee at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Like Derek Jacoby said in Act IV of Dead Again, “I for one am v-v-very interested to see what is going to happen next.” Here is a coach in Tony Dungy who, God love him, has no idea how to end the regular season gracefully. The Colts are like the Penn Quakers – they always have everything wrapped up a month early, and then they have to…what? Find a hobby? Here is where the Tyrants find out where they are – and I think they are where the Texan are, where the Cubs are every year. Looking forward to next year.

Van: Say what you will about Dungy’s inability to land the plane safely, but the Colts might be the only team in football that could take the AFC Championship away from New England in Foxboro this season. I keep saying it and saying it, these guys are a little sick and tired of being the Super Bowl champion afterthoughts. They beat New England last season and slapped my beloved Bears silly in The Big Roman Numeral, and nobody is giving them any love this season. Peyton Manning is on the verge of his eighth (!!) 4000 yard season and all we can hear about is Tom-Brady-this-and-Derek-Anderson-that. Tennessee will need counseling after this mash-up.

Week 16 Prognostications - Steroids? What Steroids? Ohhhhh, You Mean THESE Steroids...

So, I have this confession to make…

I read the Mitchell report. I did not read any of the little abstracts, I did not listen to commentary, I read the thing. I read it, and I thought, “What a bunch of witless crap.” Besides being poorly written, it was a combination of rehashing the obvious to get to a triple-digit page count and some fairly uninteresting tabloidism. This was not an investigation. This was not journalism. This was not even entertaining.

And yet…

In the aftermath, the misfit toys are crawling out from the shadows to own up to exactly what was in the report and not a speck more. How many times will we get the pleasure of hearing some variation of “Yes, I did it once and it was a horrible decision. I am very sorry.”

Van: About as many times as we got blanket denials before names got named.

Clearly baseball fans are pretty thick, otherwise they would not slavishly pursue such a deathly boring game, but even the blindest must see that there is no way everybody in baseball took a single syringe of HGH. My father used to get mad at me, not so much because I was lying but because I apparently thought he was a complete idiot.

Van: Of course baseball fans are complete idiots, and I am tarring myself with the same brush. We should have learned after 1994, when the used car salesman cancelled the friggin’ World Series, but nooooo…we should have learned when baseball players who used to look like lab assistants started looking like linebackers, but nooooo…We should learn every time a team like Florida or Oakland has a fire sale because they can’t afford to match what the Yankees or the Red Sox will offer their soon-to-be free agents, but noooo…

So, baseball, have a seat. We need to talk. I am very disappointed in you…

Meanwhile, back here at the Posedown, I will attempt to surmount Van’s insurmountable lead. I surmount like no other.

Fire in the hole.

The Giants at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
After accepting that I have been baselessly defending Eli Manning for more than a year, I watched the Giants this past weekend, and they are not very good. Eli truly does suck. Now that I am admitting this, I remember an article about Danny Ainge’s braintyping specialist, who noted before the 2005 draft that Peyton had the perfect brain type for a quarterback, but that Eli would never be any good because he did not. After watching the boy for the last few weeks, who among us could argue that there is something wrong with his brain?

Van: Making matters worse for the G-men, Jeremy Shockey is done for the season…not that he was used that much by Eli in the first place, mind you, but it’s still a big loss. This team is getting banged up at precisely the wrong time of the year, and let’s not forget that they still haven’t clinched anything. If I’m Tom Coughlin, I pull out whatever stops that remain, because there’s no way I want to depend upon beating New England in the last game of the season to make the playoffs.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
The first game between these teams was a like a futurist painting – like “Dynamism of a Bright Orange Offense,” a bunch of drug-induced swipes of orange across a canvas representing a whole lot of offense whizzing by with no mention or representation of defense. This week, the defense will be delivered in equal measure by the weather and the Bungle’ apathy. Since both of these create drag on Cincinnati but only one encumbers Cleveland…Cleveland wins through superior aerodynamics.

Van: I absolutely love the Queen City Kitties to lose this game. There’s no stinkin’ way they muster up the sand to beat a Cleveland team that’s on a mission to make the playoffs. Rudi Johnson is already moaning about his hammy flaring up, and both Whosyamama and Ocho Stinko were seen yelling at Carson Palmer last weekend. Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, gets to see a defense that wants no parts of trying to tackle him; these are a bunch of guys that will wait for help before committing to bringing him down. That means another 150-yard, two TD day for the guy that Jim Brown his own self called a “bowling ball” back in training camp. Turns out the greatest running back ever was right.

Houston at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
It’s 11 o’clock in Indianapolis and it’s time to roll up the sidewalks. Nothing in this world as sad as a Colts team that knows where it’s going to be the second week of the playoffs. If this game is played in Week 5 with absolutely everything else being equal, Indianapolis wins. This week, they only win if they want to, and we do learn from history. They don’t.

Van: I want to pick Houston. I really, really do. I just can’t see this happening. It’s not a question of Jim Sorgi actually breaking a sweat in a for-real game, it’s Kenton Keith. He’s like the bootleg, Hack-Intosh version of Joseph Addai, which means that the Colts can still pound the football all day without getting key people injured. Besides, aren’t the Colts undefeated against Houston? I’m thinking they don’t want to lay down against these guys just because they can’t improve their playoff slot.

Oakland at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Improbably, not one single Jagwad made the AFC Pro Bowl Team. Jack Del Rio needs to call Bill Belichick and find out how to turn this into a fifty point win.

Van: Poor, poor Oakland. This Jag-Wires team has teeth and a really bad attitude. Fred Taylor and Mo-Jo Drew make a perfect complement to ball-control expert David Garrard, and the defense has more than made up for the loss of Marcus Stroud. The Raiders are going to get savaged because, well, that’s just how Jacksonville rolls. Win or lose, they fight like grizzlies protecting cubs. It sez so right here that they don’t bother waking Al up for this one.

Miami at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Coming into this game on their longest winning streak of the season, the Fish could not possibly be in any better position to upend the mighty Patriots. Consequently, it may be a surprise to them when they get spanked. Actually, this game will be close in the same way that the Jets game was, leaving the barbarians at the gates howling for the head of Bill Belichick for another week. When he does finally throw out a head, don’t be surprised if it’s yours. Or Eric Mangini’s.

Van: This game might have actually had some intrigue if Miami had rolled into Foxboro winless. Or, then again, maybe not. New England hasn’t just beaten teams this season, they have dismissed them. Ignored them. Last week’s beating of the Jets wasn’t personal; it was just one more box checked in the left column. This week’s beating of Miami will be similarly emotionless, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get out of hand. The Pats will be about as emotional as a locomotive…and just about as unstoppable.

The Jets at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
The Tuxedoes’ fanatical determination to lose their playoff spot hits a speed bump this week in the J!E!T!S! Somehow, the former Tyrants must overcome their delusions adequacy for long enough to keep from stepping on their own…erm, stuff for sixty whole minutes. I don’t think they can, but maybe all it will take is about thirty-five, forty-five minutes.

Van: The Jets don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Titans don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Jets have a so-so running game. The Titans have a pretty good running game…as long as someone remembers to leave McDonald’s wrappers in the end zone for LenWhale White to smell. Still, they are at home, and the Jets don’t have any particular reason to win, as Eric Mangini is likely to get fired anyway (really, the only difference between 3-13 and 5-11 is draft position). Tennessee believes themselves to be in the thick of the AFC wildcard chase, deluded though they are, so they are likely to give a bit more effort.

Denver at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Oh, goody. ‘Long about the time that Norv The #$&*ing Idiot Turner figures out that LaDainian Tomlinson is good, the Donkeys roll into town. Cue “Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” – the same Donkeys that already gave up 41 points to the Bolts at Invesco…the same horrible defense that gave up seven touchdowns to LT in two games last year…man, I can’t wait. And on national television, too. Maybe I will start drinking now. The only thing that could make this better would be…oh, wait. I will already be at the in-laws.

Van: And the wheels are coming off for the Broncos. Exactly what the hell is Brandon Marshall running his yap about? It can’t be that the offense doesn’t come to him enough…hell, he’s pretty much the whole shootin’ match these days. Travis Henry returns from a cloud of reefer smoke, while Todd “The Dumbest Man Alive” Sauerbrun gets his walking papers from this team AGAIN. It won’t matter that LT hates, and I mean HATES, Philip Rivers. It won’t matter that the Bolts defense scares no one but themselves. This Bronco team has Q.U.I.T. How else does one explain that utter prison-raping they took from Houston (!!) last weekend? As far as they are concerned, their lockers are already cleared out and the cars are already loaded, and the last game of the season can’t get here soon enough.

Week 15 Prognostications - Better Late Than Never...

(Ed. note - This edition of Prognostications is late because Bill is a bonehead. There is no other reason than that. He's still my "ride or die" and all that, but, well, he's also a bonehead. This is probably why I'm kicking his rear end this season.)
So that we can dispense with preliminaries, I am going to beat Van and all of that, humiliate him, scatter him to the seven seas like so much chum…whatever. I got something else on my mind.

When I anointed Bobby Petrino “The Bitch,” I did not completely commit. I should have canonized him or knighted him so that he could be “St. Bitch” or “Sir Bitch.” When The Bitch committed the ultimate unmanly act of skipping town in the middle of the night (without even having Bob Irsay’s flair and taking the entire team with him) with THREE GAMES LEFT, he branded himself forever a college coach. I have no idea what sort of moral flexibility is required to coach Division I football, but on the whole they are starting to make bible-thumping senators look positively ingenuous.

Van: You wouldn't be referring to bible-thumping senators who solicit cops in restrooms, wouldja?
Any discussion between multiple talking heads will find one of them explaining (in such a way that sounds suspiciously like defending) that anything The Bitch did to get from point A to point B – that is, lying to Arthur Blank, leaving with THREE GAMES LEFT – is simply what is done. College football coaches have managed to push the envelope so far that now it just doesn’t hold anything.

Van: The worst part isn't that he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. The worst part is HOW he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. Basically, he told the assistant coaches something like this: "Um, fellas...? I'm out. C ya." Then he snuck into the locker room and put something like a yellow Post-It on the door with a note to the same effect...at least he got the color of the Post-It right.
I am not normally a guy to start howling about the decline of Western Civilization, about how much better things were in the old days, but would you let one of these rotten, lying bastards into your home to talk to your son? Virtually every Division I-A (or whatever stupid distinction they make now) coach cheats. Always has. I am not condoning or forgiving cheating; however, there is a line to be drawn between lying and cheating for the betterment of the player/team/program/university/sometimes even state and lying and cheating for your own advancement.

Van: There are some situations where lying and cheating for your own advancement might be called upon...my sisters will all vouch that my current undefeated record at Monopoly was due in large part to my secret, interest-free loans from the bank, not to mention my uncanny ability to always hit the Free Parking lottery with dice they didn't know I'd loaded.

Furthermore, Arthur Blank (who seems like a classy and forthright guy for whom I would happily work) said that The Bitch said it had something to do with his family. The guy has had jobs in thirteen different places since 1983 – for him to try to hide behind a family that he just noticed he had makes me want to throw up. I wish DeAngelo Hall had just kicked his ass in Week Three so at least there would have been justice somewhere in the world. That’s right. I am reduced to looking to DeAngelo Hall to set the world right.

All right, I’m done. Woo pig sooie.

Van: Now that he's done ranting, you can check out my NFC picks (submitted BEFORE games started playing, by the way), right here. Because Bill is a bonehead.
Gentlemen, start your engines.

Denver at Houston

Bill’s Pick: Denver

Van’s Pick: Houston

People sometimes ask me, “Hey, Bill, was the Broncos brutal mauling of the Chefs a harbinger of a pointless late-season run or is it just another mirage in this desert of a lost season?” My answer, as ever, is that I do not know. The Donkeys finally cut Sam Adams, the Ultimate Fatass, an admission too late that Jim Bates’ system took too many steps back for what last year was a very good Broncos defense. This is a good sign for the future, but the future is not now – it is net year. Most of what I saw Sunday was the Chefs’ general inability to play football on either side of the ball. Now former Shanahan protégé Gary Kubiak gets the Donkeys on a short week at Reliant Stadium and we will see. No, I have no reason to believe the Broncos will win.

Van: Denver loses this game because this is the kind of game that Denver loses, plain and simple. Moreover, it is now an undisputable fact that whatever mojo Mike Shanahan had, Gary Kubiak took it with him to South Texas because the Texans simply Do. Not. Quit. Ever. Mario Williams is making Charlie Casserly look like a genius, even though it was Casserly who foisted David Carr onto the Texans in the first place...anyhow, when the Donkeys get beat by Sage By-God Rosenfels, let me hear nothing about "find a better option" when I demand Leatherface's head, because, at this point, damn near anyone would be a better option.

Buffalo at Cleveland

Bill’s Pick: Cleveland

Van’s Pick: Cleveland

When the Browns make the playoffs, Derek Anderson should get his own Rocky Balboa statue in Cleveland. And Romeo Crennel should pay for it. Actually, if Anderson throws me to a fantasy football title, I will throw the winning in. I started the year with, I am not kidding, Steve McNair, Joey Harrington and Rex Grossman as my quarterbacks, and I finished the year a respectable third in my league in passing. Here, I think they beat Buffalo easily because I also drafted Lee Evans, who has sucked almost all year.

Van: Derek Anderson is that perfect storm of hype and opportunity, but he ain't the reason why Cleveland will advance in the playoffs...at least, he's not the only reason. Lookit what I found leading the NFL in rushing for the last four weeks: Jamal Lewis! And, better yet, he's running like the Jamal Lewis who trampled the NFL a few seasons ago in Baltimore, and not the out-of-shape ex-con who couldn't get out of his own way a couple of years ago. If Lewis is well and truly back to his grill-busting style of running, these Browns will spoil someone's postseason party.

Tennessee at Kansas City

Bill’s Pick: Tennessee

Van’s Pick: Tennessee

Kansas City can’t play dead.

Van: And Carl Peterson's head must roll.

Baltimore at Miami

Bill’s Pick: Baltimore

Van’s Pick: Baltimore

Right up the road in Orlando, Magic GM Pat Williams once said, “We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” In the sad case of the Dolphins, they tried London, and it did not work. The Fish have played games on the two worst fields seen in the NFL in years. They lost their starting quarterback and running back and then traded their best receiver apparently out of a fear that he was next. They determined for perhaps the eleventh time in franchise history that Cleo Lemon was bad, so they put in Quarterback of the Future John Beck. Problem is, you get a pass for bad season if you use it to build for the future, but nothing will ever forgive 0-16, so Cleo’s back. Welcome back, Cleo. It just wasn’t a party without you.

Van: What is there to say here, really? Both of these teams are coming into this "game" with legendary losing streaks attached, but the fact is this: if Baltimore actually loses this game, everyone should be fired. Every last stinking one of them. Don't even fly 'em home. Make 'em hitch-hike. If Brian Billick can't muster an effort from his team against these sad sacks, it is OVER in Ballmer.
The Jets at New England

Bill’s Pick: New England

Van’s Pick: New England

Only two things can stop the Patriots – a brilliantly executed game plan by a really good team or their own apathy. Somehow, I am not seeing either one at work here. Several commentator have cracked that the Patriots may try to score 100. That’s not funny. That’s a legitimate goal.

Van: I got nothin'. There is no way that Hoodie and the Blowout Fish lose to the rat bastard Man-genius. No. Way. Period.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville

Van’s Pick: Jacksonville

If you tear an ACL, you are gone for the season. A separated shoulder buys you maybe four weeks. High ankle sprain – two or three. And if you suffer a broken ego from a monumental beatdown at the hands of those bad men from Boston, you miss the next week as well. Teams are 3-9 the week after losing to the Pats, and the worse the emasculation, the longer the recovery (see Gibbs, Joe). If Pittsburgh recovers in time, this is the must see football purist game of the year. If not, it’s just Drew and Merriman all over again.

Van: Right now, Jacksonville might be the toughest team in football. They lost Marcus Stroud but they haven't lost their sense of purpose. For that, you must look to their head coach. Jack Del Rio ain't perfect, and he occasionally makes head-scratching decisions, but no one can say that he doesn't prepare his guys or get them into the best position to win. And, I have to admit it: Fred Taylor is Fraud no more to me. This guy has been an absolute revelation for the Jags. When you consider a legitimate two-headed running attack, a ball-control QB, and a ferocious defense, the Jags are another team that will spoil someone's postseason.

Indianapolis at Oakland

Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis

Van’s Pick: Indianapolis

The Raiders are carrying four quarterbacks for reasons best known only to Al Davis, and have committed to starting absolutely anybody but JeMarcus Russell. Da Raidas are 4-9, which in the NFC would put them in the middle of the wild card chase, but in the AFC puts them a whole lot closer to the second pick in the draft. Here’s the thing – the Raiders are not bad. They mostly play hard, they have a good defense, a good running game, some decent receivers, a decent return game and, quietly, one of the five best punters in NFL history. Lane Kiffin might be a legitimate coach (and as such I apologize for all UPS jokes that I may or may not have made at points earlier in the season). BUT (that is, big but, not little but) they suffer from the great modern football palsy of poor quarterback play. Russell will obviously start for the Raiders next year, so why the people by the bay think he will get better without playing is kind of a mystery.

Van: The Colts have a tendency to play down to the level of their competition this season, but then they still win games, which means we'll probably get a lot of Joseph Addai in this one, and that ain't a bad thing. And while I'm all good with waiting for rookies to develop, what on earth are the Raiders waiting on? It's not like they are suddenly going to get all better and wind up in the playoffs...I don't know, maybe JaMarcus Russell somehow ended up in Marcus Allen's old doghouse. Al is kinda foggy these days, and when someone said JaMarcus, he heard Marcus and, well, you get the picture.
Detroit at San Diego

Bill’s Pick: San Diego

Van’s Pick: San Diego

Detroit has lost five in a row. Furthermore, they know it. They were bad on the road even before they started their big skid, and they know that, too. The Chargers will deliver unto the Lions a mighty thrashing, one that will build the Chargers’ unearned reputation as an elite team. Go ahead and mark this down – everything is good now, but when the Chargers get crushed, and I do mean crushed, in the divisional round of the playoffs, the fans will notice that Schottenheimer did better.

Van: The only thing falling faster than the Lions are the bathing suits at a Playboy Mansion swimming party. These guys are in full-fledged Lion mode, stinking outright on the road. Their last victory was against Denver (not to rub salt in any wounds, but geez, if that wasn't enough to get Shanahan fired, nothing will ever be...). They can't run, they can't defend, they can't pass, they can't coach, they can't draft, and their uniforms suck. On the plus side, they are a lot of fun to make fun of because they are officially worse than the Bears, records notwithstanding. The only real problem with this game is that San Diego will win in a rout, and all those "experts" will really believe that this game means something. What it means is that San Diego will get to play in the playoffs...and likely face someone like Cleveland or Jacksonville. Farewell, and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladies...

Week 14 Prognostications - Lies, Damn Lies, And Bill's Picks

I saw a piece on Nostradamus on the History Channel a few weeks ago, and in addition to being regularly wrong, he was a complete paranoiac wingnut. So, on the off chance that Van manages to edge me this year, I have already set the groundwork for what I intend to think about prognostication generally.

Van: I can see it now: Bill crowing about moral victories and his lone, great week of domination as he tries to console himself that second place really isn’t first loser. Again. Not that I’m counting, you understand.

Experts have started to nibble around the edge of the sudden shift in fashion away from the 350 carry running back, but nobody has yet applied it to where it really matters, which is fantasy football. Next year, only the foolish league will draft running backs with 20 of the first 24 picks, because suddenly backs are what receivers have always been – a commodity readily available on the waiver wire starting in Week Two. Did anybody draft Kolby Smith, Earnest Graham, Derrick Ward, Andre Hall, Ryan Grant, Justin Fargas, Ron Dayne, or any of the other spare runners who turned in at least one monster week?

Van: Methinks my perpetually-befuddled pal hath a point. If anything, the field at running back has leveled out tremendously. There used to be a fairly steep drop-off point from the elite backs to what some have called “The Eddie George Level,” where guys like Reuben Droughns and Thomas Jones are carrying the mail. Now? Other than Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson, I don’t know of a back that I’d draft before the third round. Quarterback is now the pick-du-jour of the first round. Do not be surprised to see six or seven signal callers gone before the first round is done next summer.

The ability to reevaluate the landscape consistently is what will allow me to overcome this minor deficit and beat Van this year.

Van: The ability to manipulate reality to whatever suits him is why he will lose to me this year. Check my picks out here and compare, o mighty wise shopper.

Ours not to question why, ours but to do or die. On, on, on.

Carolina at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
It would probably be unfair to judge these two franchises who showed up on our doorstep the same day twelve short years ago by this game, but then, did I ever claim to be fair? Word around the campfire is that John Fox’s job is on the line, that The Chin has measured the commute and found it suitable. Fifteen teams hope that this is so, because Fox is an upgrade for all of them, and no matter how much you love Cowher, he would be losing with David Carr and Vinny Testaverde, too. Now that I cadged your catchphrase, Mr. Walker, what campfire is this, exactly?

Van: The campfire? Hey, the game is sold, not told, rookie. Anyway, you already made my point for me, in your typically stilted, backhanded way: Bill Cowher will NOT be coaching the Panthers anytime soon, for the very reasons you have elucidated: no QB. Quarterbacks are either healthy or they are broken or they are Rex Grossman, who was broken, then healthy, then “made us all wish he was still broken.” Paraphrasing Denethor from the box-set special edition of LOTR, “Do not trouble me with Jake Delhomme. I know him and his uses are but few.” Fact is, if Delhomme was going to do it, he’d have done it by now. Having already coached a QB that has done “it,” Cowher isn’t going to be sucked into believing any signal caller on the Panthers roster is anywhere near the level of the last guy he had. And if the Panthers kick John Fox to the curb, who wears the headset next season?

San Diego at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The Chargers are Dead Men Walking. With A.J. Smith’s puzzling announcement that Norv Turner will be back net year, the Chargers have nothing left to play for. This is like the end of Trading Places, where it turns out that Jason Robards ruined Dan Ackroyd’s life for a dollar. You can look for even the indomitable LaDainian Tomlinson to shuffle listlessly through this game, because not only will they continue to be mediocre team in a horrible division this year, which was not exactly their preseason goal, but now there is no next year. What are they supposed to tell each other? “Wait ‘til 2009, dog. We’ll get ‘em in 2009.”

Van: First off, Jason Robards wasn’t even IN “Trading Places,” bonehead. Somehow you’re slandering either Ralph Bellamy or Don Ameche, venal sins to be sure, but still... Second, this is precisely the kind of game that the Chargers will win convincingly, to the sound of experts salivating across the land. “Oh, they’ve got the ship righted.” “Oh, Norv’s gonna really break out with this team.” Oh, crap. Whether they stomp the Titans or not, they are still no better than fourth or fifth in the AFC right now, which still spells “first round playoff exit.”

Miami at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
D-III product Fred Jackson looked pretty good last week, and every time he touches the ball, I just want to yell, “Janet Jackson? Got outta the car looking more like Freddy Jackson!” Not that it matters – the love of Van’s life, Marshawn Lynch, looks to be back in the lineup this week, lighting up safeties, fighting for extra yards and sitting on Van’s lap singing “Happy Birthday” to him on national television. I still do not believe that Miami will go 0-16 (though the magnificence with which they blew a golden opportunity against the brutal J!E!T!S! suggests otherwise), but I can tell you that when they finally do get one, it will not be on the road, and certainly not in cold weather.

Van: Then, according to whatever it is that you call logic, they will have to win one of their remaining two home games. Against either Baltimore or Cincinnati. First off, there is NO STINKIN WAY that a Ray Lewis team loses to a winless team, period, not if he has to make every damn tackle his own self…which, in this case, might not be that big of a challenge. Second, are you seriously suggesting that Carson Palmer won’t find Whosyamama, Ocho Stinko, and Jailbreak Henry all night? And I think we can forget about a win at New England, even if The Belicheat plays the second string. They blew the only chance remaining to them to avoid history when they laid down against the Jets last weekend. They are done. Perhaps the ’72 Curmudgeons will send the current edition their cases of champagne, to be opened when the next team fails to go O-Fer-The-Season…

St. Louis at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
Van’s Pick: St. Louis
The problem here is that Paul Brown Stadium has no roof. This means that wind, snow, even sunshine can run amok through the field, and any of these things are enough to give Marc Bulger a season-ending injury. The Rams are not very good with or without Bulger, with or without Steven Jackson, with or without them, with or without them. They just suck, with or without them. But at least they care. I would have a hard time picking the Bungles for student council treasurer right now, because a lack of talent trumps a lack of integrity every time. If the Rams manage to strike quickly, watch the Bungles magically disintegrate into a big dollop of disinterested goo.

Van: Tell ya what, ya gotta respect the effort that Torry Holt has put in this season. His numbers are typically stellar, even though he’s been the lone consistent offensive option all season. I can’t even tell you how he’s done it, what with both Flotsam and Jetsam playing QB this season and no running game to speak of. The Bengals? Meh.

Tampa Bay at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
If it’s Hanukkah, it must be Sage Rosenfels. I like the Texans and I just don’t get the Bucs, so that’s all the analysis you get.

Van: I like Tampa Bay because they are better than Houston, period. Say what you will of Earnest Graham, but he utterly trumps anything at running back for the Texans. Speaking of which, the last GM passed on Reggie Bush, and rightly so, because he saw a lot of money being flushed down a second-and-long hole…which makes it rather inexplicable that the current guy spent a HUUUGE pile of dough on a guy trying to make first downs from the trainer’s table. Still, Houston fans are happy because all the amyl nitrate that David Carr popped was making their eyes water.

Pittsburgh at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Some Steeler safety of whom I have never heard has guaranteed victory over the Patriots. This is exactly why there is still hazing in football, why it is occasionally your teammates’ responsibility to duct tape your dumb ass into your own locker. While the Patriots inability to stop the run, exposed originally by the Colts and since used by everyone who can stay close enough to still use the run, is a little disquieting, but it sez so right here that America’s Favorite Football Coach deploys a couple of new ideas aimed at stopping Fast Willie Parker, whom you may remember I don’t like anyway.

Van: “Meddle not in the affairs of the dragon; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” Y’know, we all like a good upset, largely because they are so rare. For all of the Yankees’ postseason struggles, the fact remains that they’ve won more World Series’ in the last decade than the Cubs have in the last century. Some cipher on Pittsburgh guaranteeing victory is about as bright as bearding a dragon in its own lair. And, last I checked, there ain’t a Red Crosse Knight, Beowulf, or Bard the Bowman on Pittsburgh’s active roster. This game is a rout by halftime.

Kansas City at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I have a reason this time. Travis Henry is Joe Pendleton from Heaven Can Wait, back from the dead to get it right. This week, armed with the rock, some gimpy backups and a new lease on life, he faces a Chiefs defense playing with the Bengals’ cast-off linebackers. Javon Walker is a week healthier. The best thing that can happen for the Broncos’ defense is the opportunity to play an actual NFL game where the offense and special teams do not continually place them in ridiculous situations. There is no guarantee that this will happen, but at least the Chefs are missing enough playmakers that the Donkeys will have to give the ball up without much prodding, which I always hope they stop doing.

Van: I have a better reason this time. Kansas City stinks on wheat. The only touchdown they scored last weekend came from a defensive lineman. That’s not good. Neither are they.

Cleveland at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I hate myself for this pick, but the Jets are playing half-decent ball right now and the Browns look to me like a team looking for a place to collapse. The Browns looked really good in the middle rounds, but this is an honest-to-goodness heavyweight fight, full 16 rounds. Big boy stuff. The Jets ducked and covered for most of the season, meaning they will get easily outpointed but have an unlikely level of punching power left.

Van: I actually changed my mind on this one only about a hundred times. It sez so right here that the Brownies finally get off the schnide and win a road game. The Jets can be had. All the Browns have to do is get them into a shootout, because the Jets don’t have enough bullets in the holster to compete. If Cleveland gets out to an early lead of like 10-0 or 14-0, it’s over before halftime. If the Jets are leading by some low, baseball-type score, the Brownies lose. I’m taking the Browns to score a bundle in this one.

Indianapolis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Colts with a bullet. One of those great big ones they use to hunt blue whales (or, you know, that they would use to hunt blue whales if they did such a thing). The Ravens played their Super Bowl last week against the Patriots, and this short week is not enough time for them to face that the season is still going. The Ravens very nearly conquered Everest, but on the final ascent managed to coach, play, and talk themselves out of going any further. For the record, people who do that on Everest generally die.

Van: The Colts can’t beat the Patriots, and, right now, they might not be able to beat the Cowboys, but they will pimp-slap the taste out of the Ravens’ mouths this weekend. The Colts match up so much better with Baltimore than the Patriots do, because of Joseph Addai. Having him as an ultra-reliable, yard-getting, clock-eating option on the offense will stop Rex Ryan’s Havoc Wreakers from pillaging the offense the way they pillaged New England last weekend, AND the Colts regularly use the no-huddle, which means that the heavy-breathers up front for Baltimore will be gassed before the first Peyton Manning commercial.

Week 13 Prognostications - Bill Makes A Candide Reference...Geez

Van and I are up early this week to accommodate an NFL game you probably cannot watch. Allow me to make some suggestions as to what you might substitute:

1. With a little channel-jumping, you could go right from What’s New Scooby Doo? (BOOM) to Pinky and the Brain (Disney) to Duck Dodgers (BOOM) to SpongeBob (Nickelodeon).
2. The Cave – I have never heard of this movie, but the description goes, “Deadly monsters hunt members of an exploration team within a vast network of caverns beneath the Carpathian Mountains.” How great does that sound? Morris Chestnut and Cole Hauser are in it, too. It’s on Channel 20 in Denver, so you may have to search for it a bit in your market.
3. The Good Times marathon on TV Land. Dynomite.
4. The Biography of Guns n’ Roses on the Biography channel. Its genre is listed as education.
5. Home Alone 4 on ABC Family. Seriously, there is a Home Alone 4, and it has two and a half stars.

Van: Amazingly, I got nothin’. But I guess this is what happens when you go from one game up to three games down in the short span of a week...you get a little unhinged. To see what salt rubbed into an open wound looks like (a/k/a my picks), click here.
Onward Christian soldiers!

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
This is the classic less filling/tastes great debate between Van and I, and if he does not take Indy here, he is a miserable sell-out. Jacksonville wins ugly. Furthermore, they try to win ugly. They appear to choose their offensive personnel for the purpose of winning ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The Colts are beautiful. The Colts complete eight or ten passes a game that make the mightiest dilettantes bark, “Whoa! That was sweet!” Even their defense is pretty. It was pretty even when it was bad. You might mistake this for my own quixotic stand against aestheticism, which I acknowledge is completely my fault at this point, but in fact Indianapolis always struggles in Jacksonville. I like Indy as they get pieces back, particularly Dallas Clark, whose ability to misplace the linebacker trying to cover him in the end zone is one of the real wonders of football, but they have this last stumbling block before their late January visit to Foxboro.

Van: David Garrard has 0 interceptions in 209 pass attempts, which is good. David Garrard didn’t throw 6 picks in one game like Peyton Manning did (which is bad). Still, let there be no doubt about the superior signal-caller in this game: it is, am, are, was, and will be Peyton Manning. The Colts are better, they are at home, and they are still kinda miffed about the lack of love they aren’t getting. Woe betide the Jag-Wires.

San Diego at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Ugh. The AFC West. Van proclaimed Kolby Smith “nobody” last week shortly before he went out and hung a buck-fifty and two touchdowns on the Raiders. Nope, no conclusion on my part, I just wanted to point that out. Brodie Croyle, whom I like even though he looks pretty clueless, is hurt and might not play. Van called him “nobody,” too. So if you’re down to nobody and nobody gets hurt, who exactly do you put in the game? Me? Can I play? San Diego is now my official second-favorite NFL team because, of the four teams in this god-awful division, they have the best shot of finishing over .500. Pride, baby.

Van: This is precisely the kind of game that San Diego needs to win to take some control of their division...which is precisely why they won’t win it. This team needs to go down the yellow brick road, see the wizard, and get hearts for the players and a brain for Norv “Al Gore” Turner. Watch: these knuckleheads will put nine men in the box to stop Kolby Smith, only to get burned through the air somehow. It won’t matter. They will invent a new way to get beat.

The Jets at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: The Jets
The Dolphins are bad. This is true. They are not, however, 0-16 bad. This is a team suffering from a perfect storm of injuries, age, bad bounces and slow adjustments, but not an expansion team put together by a college coach who badly overvalued his old players (like his son – look it up). The Jets are also bad. People had great expectations for the Jets after they inexplicably went 10-6 last year, but many of us looked at them and saw no real upgrade from the 4-12 2005 team. The biggest factor in this game is that the Dolphins have to look at it and honestly believe they can win, while the Jets have to be absolutely terrified that they will be the Dolphins lone victim this year. Confidence beats abject terror. Almost every time.

Van: Right now, Eric Mangini is showing his Jets film of their surprising defeat of the Steelers, followed by film of the Steelers mud-wrestling match with the Dolphins, and he’s making one simple point: you’ve already beaten the better team. The Dolphins, meanwhile, get the benefit of Ricky Williams for six whole plays before losing him for the season and shake impotent fists at an indifferent sky. They are cursed and they know it.

Houston at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Houston
In his contract year, Albert Haynesworth has earned even more money being hurt than he has by playing. You know how you showed up at the theatre and settled down with your popcorn before you realized that they actually made Next Friday without Chris Tucker? That is how the lucky ticket holders at Titan Stadium have to feel. As the news that Haynesworth is inactive filters through the stadium, 70,000 people get whiplash adjusting their expectations at full speed.

Van: Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated made a great point about Haynesworth, that I’ll paraphrase: the man doesn’t play quarterback or coach, so why is this team 0-3 without him? Whatever’s wrong with Vince Young ain’t good, because he has become the anti-Randall Cunningham. Whatever Tennessee’s mojo was, they lost it when Fat Albert got hurt and they haven’t been the same since.

Denver at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I hope the Donkeys are less demoralized by the Bears loss than I am. I think I’m suffering from ennui. Or perhaps reality. Maybe it’s just a headache. Watching me watch the Broncos has to be like reading Candide. I have this great Panglossian faith that all we need is (insert Insipid Concern A, not nearly sufficient to make the Broncos a playoff team), when in fact (insert any of a number of injuries or general inabilities), and you are thinking, “Dude, what the hell is the matter with you that you still think Insipid Concern A is going to help? Or even happen?” While I am compulsively sitting on my couch at 2 pm MST consistently surprised at the Donkeys’ infirmities, they will be feverishly making new running backs out of Play-Doh in the back room. This season will never end. It’s like that Twilight Zone episode…

Van: So, uh, I wonder how those special teams meetings went for Denver this week? And let’s not forget, it was Dre Bly who was getting consistently and successfully picked on by Rex Grossman last week, something that Daunte Culpepper is certain to notice. Still, I like the Broncos to bounce back, if only because it won’t allow me to demand Mike Shanahan’s head for one more week.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Last week, Cincinnati found Chad Johnson. This week, Ocho Cinco finds the turf at Heinz Field. You know those desiccants that come in the packaging for new cameras and binoculars? The ones you aren’t supposed to eat? Why couldn’t they just sprinkle those all over the field? The Steelers are playing wretched football right now, but such is my distaste for the Bungles that I cannot believe in them, and poor field conditions (nobody who has ever played golf can possibly believe that some horticultural wizard can fix that grass in six days) should affect the visitors more than the homesters.

Van: “Found Chad Johnson!” “Where, dude?” “Behind the couch.” “Cool.” “I found Hare Krishna too.” “Where, under the table? Ha ha ha.” “No, dude, I really found him. My whole life is different now.” “Oh...sorry, dude.” “...PSYCHE!! I found him in a shoebox!” "Niiiiice, dude."

New England at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Somewhere along the yellow brick road, Dorothy met a couple of flying monkeys who briefly delayed her. Tom Brady is Dorothy, the Eagles are the flying monkeys, and the delay is temporary. I don’t know who the cowardly lion is. Bill Belichick is the wizard and there is no Wicked Witch of West, but the wizard keeps telling people that there is. Randy Moss is the tin man with his brand new heart. Van can be Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Van: Bert Lahr is the Cowardly Lion. Hilary Clinton hasn’t been the same since that house fell on her sister. New England wins going away...as do I, Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Week 12 Prognostications - Turkey Day Special

Van would like to apologize publicly for all past disrespect of Bill. He acknowledges Bill’s superior knowledge of football as well as his superior mastery of the English language. All this time, Van has been jealous of Bill’s triple-digit IQ, his literary bent and his freedom. And now he must be jealous of Bill’s lead.

Attorney for Van: Mr. Walker stipulates to the fact that Bill is in front. He’d speak for himself, Your Honor, but he’s too busy frothing at the mouth right now.

I shot the Sheriff. There is a new Sheriff in town. Long live the Sheriff.

Totally unrelated: Barry Bonds is a jerk. News flash. But seriously, folks -

Jimmy Rollins beat Matt Holliday for the NL MVP by 17 points, the closest race since 1991, when Terry Pendleton beat Barry Bonds by 15. That’s the jerk margin. He would obviously claim not to care, but if Bonds is an even marginally more pleasant human being, he picks up another MVP.

Van: See, that’s where you make your mistake; you assumed Bonds was human in the first place.

Jason Giambi. Anyone mad at Jason Giambi? Anyone? OK, anyone who is not a Yankees fan?

Finally, do you think the grand jury that finally saw fit to indict Bonds after being convened for like 15 years would have stayed convened so long if Bonds did not allow his BFF to rot in jail that whole time?

Van: Y’know, you could work up a pretty cool Nice Guy Eddie rant about Bonds’ boy sitting in jail instead of singing, but I’m thinking that there used to be a very large cashier’s check waiting for him…alas and alack, the grand jury indicted Bonds anyway, so he ended up doing time for nothing. Bonehead.

And do you think Bonds has a chance in hell of getting off?

Van: He has the same chance that you have of repeating last week’s miracle…but hey, two more and you qualify for sainthood. Me? I’ll stick to outpicking you this week.

Meanwhile, Van’s time is about up. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Boom.

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Tyrants got a right to be hostile. See, I have heard of Glenn Martinez and Andre Hall by virtue of being trapped in this media market, but the Titans probably had not. They probably have not heard of any of the Bungles’ linebackers, either, but I doubt that this will come back to haunt them. The Tyrants are mad. Hurt. Humiliated. The Bungles? They just won, like, two weeks ago. They are not due again until Week 15 at San Francisco. Put the Bungles down for 4-11 and wake me up for the Miami game. Still undecided on that one. Did you see that Pacman Jones and Albert Haynesworth got in a fight somewhere? Do you suppose that both of them had some pent-up aggression, saw the other and thought, “here is the only guy in the world that I can fight and people will not automatically assume it is my fault”?

Van: Vince Young is brutal. Right now, the only quarterback worse than him in the entire NFL is Alex Smith. As abysmal as that sounds, that also means that Joey Harrington, David Carr, and any of the clowns in Minnesota are better than Vince Young. Vince Young is doing for the Titans defense what Rex Grossman does for the Bears defense…or, if you prefer, what cirrhosis does for a liver. There is no stinkin’ way the Titans should have lost to Gil Grissom Shanahan and the CSI Broncos last weekend, what with the coach using lie detectors and monitoring hair samples…what’s next? Gas chromatography? The Broncos are a hot mess, and they stomped a mudhole into the Titans last weekend. The Queen City Kitties are equally a hot mess, but with a much better QB in Carson Palmer, and Tennessee gets bounced again.

Houston at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Rosario Dawson and Monica Bellucci are standing in separate glass cases. My wife is not available at this time. Please leave a message. So, anyway, Rosario and Monica are there, neither giving me any clear indications. No licking lips, no raised eyebrows, no come hither of any kind. They both look great in their different ways, but only one is the right choice. Hard to believe, I know, but one of these is not a winner. OK, this is a bad analogy, because the Texans and Browns are really like Famke Janssen and Sonya Walger, B-list beauties for whom I have an outsized appreciation, and all this while I am completely devoted to the Broncos (hi, honey). The Browns are at home. So, I’m taking Rosario because she is wearing fewer clothes.

Van: After watching Phil Dawson’s Doink! win the game last weekend, I am convinced that (Insert Deity/Higher Power of choice here)’s favorite team is Cleveland. Houston has their QB and WR back together making rainbows, but they will not win with that gigantic mortgage payment at RB.

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
While I have been on record as appreciating the Bills’ heart, the fact is that their heart is just big enough to beat bad teams. Five wins: Jets, Ravens, Jets, Bengals, Dolphins. We have to reevaluate occasionally, because at the time we thought the Ravens were good. I did, anyway. One thing all these teams have in common is that they are worse than Jacksonville. In most cases, a lot worse. With Pittsburgh vacating the 1a spot (which was agonizingly stupid, since after the Patriots everybody is competing for maybe fifteenth), Jacksonville celebrates their coronation as the NFL’s second-best team by beating the Bills by a surprisingly slim margin.

Van: Fear Mo-Jo Drew. Fear him. Last weekend, he damn near killed Shawne Merriman (!!) on a blitz pickup that was reminiscent of the way Walter Payton used to blow up blitzing linebackers back in the day. But Jacksonville at 1a? What about Dallas or Green Bay, either of whom would beat J-ville like a red-haired stepchild? I realize that you have a lotta man-love for the Jag-wires, especially after they exposed San Diego last weekend, but second-best?

Oakland at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Haven’t these guys already played twice this year? Three times? Mediocrity has such a familiar feel. I love heist movies, but I honestly can no longer discern between The Italian Job, Ronan and Ocean’s Twelve. Normally, you would say that the outcome of mediocrity is completely unimportant (like does Jean Reno double-cross Mark Wahlberg in this movie?), but in this case the Chefs are a game back in the AFC West. The Chefs win this game because, of course, they are at home, but also because the Raidas improbably keep finding new ways to suck. Daunte Culpepper played a decent game this past week, thereby requiring the rest of the team to step up and suck. The funny thing is that Culpepper’s performance temporarily quells the crying for JeMarcus Russell, which totally misses the point. The point is not that Russell is better than Culpepper or Josh McCown, but that this year is over and so they may as well get on with next year.

Van: Kansas City has nobody at quarterback. No one. The Chiefs have no one at running back. Nobody. If Brodie Croyle and Kolby Smith are the answer, the question has to be “Which two players got Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards fired after the 2007 season ended?” The Raiders are still held in thrall by an increasingly vague Al Davis, but at least they have a pulse at QB. And besides, they’re in the AFC West, which means that they are technically still in the playoff hunt, as ridiculous as that sounds. And yes, Stat Boy, Kansas City is also in the West, but remember: they have nobody at quarterback and running back. Nobody.

Baltimore at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
I have a new least favorite person in football: Brian Billick. After the referees took the time to get the call right last week on The Strangest Kick Anybody Has Ever Seen (interesting because it was the absolute worst good kick ever), Billick the erstwhile preening shmoe could only whine about the process. This was a marvelous opportunity to have a little class, to thank the refs for getting the call right by any means necessary even if it went against him. But he did not. And I just don’t like the guy.

Van: Nobody wins this game. I don’t care who Bill and I picked. Nobody wins this game. LT is officially in the Witness Protection Program. Norv “Al Gore” Turner took his Algore-ism to a whole new level last week, and Shawne Merriman was last seen hiding in his locker and muttering “There go that man again, mama…” As far as Baltimore goes, here’s all you really need to know: Kyle Boller is now the franchise’s alltime leader for passing yardage. On the one hand, it is kind of a nice thing when your alltime leader is playing now, as opposed to my benighted Bears, whose alltime franchise quarterback last played when the earth was cooling, but really…Kyle Friggin’ Boller? Someone must hang for this affront to decency everywhere…

Philadelphia at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Last week’s Schoedinger’s cat moment – we fire up the television Sunday night just as the Bills are kicking off for the second half. We get all the pre-kickoff milling around and everything, but there is no score posted. So the score might be anything. Anything! Imagine the possibilities! The Bills might be close, they might be winning, they might be winning by a lot, they might…oh. 35-7. Again. But, for a moment there…ah, well. This week, things can only get worse for everybody who is not the Patriots. The Pats are favored by 22 points. 22. In an NFL game. 22 points. They will cover. But, wow. 22 points.

Van: I’m actually surprised that the wiseguys put this game on the board, even with a ridiculous-looking number that could creep north of 30 before all is said and done. Seriously, who takes Philly to cover this? We’re looking at a 3 touchdown point spread, and the Illadelph might be down by three touchdowns by halftime. I was reading Peter King the other day, and he pointed out that Brett Favre’s best season for TD passes was 39; Tom Brady is sitting at 38, in something like 200 fewer attempts. This is the kind of dominance that you only see in a video game with the cheat codes put in.

Miami at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh’s loss last week to the Jets was unforgivable, an unmasking (El Zorro is only the effete Don Diego?), perhaps a complete undressing. But it happened on the road. The Steelers have three losses, all bad, and all on the road. They are not playing particularly well. The Dolphins, on the other hand, are playing their best ball of the season, having successively stood up to the Giants, Bills and Eagles for minutes at a time before giving up their lunch money like always. The opposite trajectories of the teams, unfortunately, do not bring them into the same galaxy. Pittsburgh gets well and the Dolphins sweat their oh-fer another week.

Van: The Dolphins picked the wrong week to go to Pittsburgh. All-Loincloth head coach Mike Timlin will have the Steelers breathing fire after last week’s embarrassment, particularly in the execution department. Word around the campfire is that the Steelers thought that they could just show up and win against the Jets, and they got stung for it. They will not make the mistake of overlooking Miami this weekend.

Week 9 Prognostications - The Super Bowl Is Early

So, any interesting NFL games this week?

Van and I are now the most dangerous men on Earth, the guys with nothing to lose. The Broncos and Bears are logically, if not yet mathematically, eliminated from playoff contention and we will now be selecting our new favorite teams.

Van: Uh, I hate to be all back-outish on you, but if you made an album of my life and Death Row Records recorded it, it would be called ELIF4NAFZRAEB, but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to call out Ice Cube ‘cuz he chin-checked the stuffins outta his old crew on “No Vasaline”…possibly the greatest assassination on wax ever, right after Common’s “The B*tch In You” to the aforementioned O’Shea Jackson…but I digress…you were saying something about a new fave?

Umm…I’ll take the Patriots.

Van: I like my picks better.

Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!

Cincinnati at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Three words. Jay. Pee. Losman. This NFL season has been a clinic in the importance of quarterbacks. With almost no exception, good teams have good quarterback play and bad teams have bad quarterback play. Case in point, the Buffalo Bills, who have led a double life that Chuck Barris finds astounding. With Losman under center, the Bills have been bad, but with Trent Edwards under center they have been pretty good. Almost no exception. Interestingly, Cincinnati is the exception. The Bengals are putrid, but unlike every other putrid team in the NFL, their quarterback deserves relatively little blame. As bad as the Bengals defense is, I doubt the Bills move the ball in Wednesday passing drills with Losman throwing. Funny media moment – the headline on Yahoo’s Bengals page reads “2-5 Bengals Look for Hope of Making Playoffs.” Where do you think they are looking? The bottom of the Red Sea? The top of Mt. Ararat? Lourdes? The corners of Van’s yurt?

Van: This is why my lead, like my waistline, is expanding. Jauron is going to reeeel in the game plan for J.P. Lost-man and rely heavily upon Mannish Boy Marshawn Lynch because he learned with Trent Edwards that a game manager will win with a wrecking ball at RB. Cincinnati stinks like The Dead Marshes.

Green Bay at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Listening to the national experts fall all over themselves anointing the Packers as the NFC’s best team because of their thoroughly unconvincing win over the Broncos (?!) makes me freaking ill. Before anybody canonizes Ryan Grant, they should note that he keyed a Packer running attack that performed well below average for a Bronco opponent. While the Packers’ line has done an admirable job protecting the old man this year, most NFL teams will still get to him occasionally. While I do not think the Chefs are very good, the Pack had trouble with the noise at Invesco, and old Arrowhead will be worse. The Broncos left their corners playing man but inexplicably did not chuck the receivers at the line on either of their behemoth passing plays that constituted the Packers’ scoring, and after looking at film, the Chefs will not make the same mistake.

Van: Hey, Stat Boy, Ryan Grant keyed a running attack that was going against the League’s Worst Run Defense. That’s right, the Donkeys are dead stinkin’ last at stopping the run. The Chiefs are in the middle of the pack (17) at stopping the run, so maybe Mr. Grant’s Hall bust can wait another week. However, if the Pack could handle Denver’s 6th ranked pass defense on the road, they can certainly handle KC’s 10th ranked pass defense on the road. And, uh, weren’t you making some obsequious point about quarterbacks earlier? Unless something drastic has changed and 1970’s Lenny Dawson is taking the snaps for the Chiefs, Brett Favre left-handed is better than anyone on the KC roster right now…

Washington at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I see no reason for the Jets to ever win another game. Maybe I am missing something about Kellen Clemens and maybe I am having trouble breathing out of my eyelids, but I do not see a big improvement on the three points (ahem, THREE points) that the J-E-T-S laid on the Bills last week. Meanwhile, do not read too much into Washington’s last game. As Chicago and Denver guys, respectively, Van and I know enough to look at that game and think, “There but for the grace of God…” The only team who would have had any chance at all against the Pats last week would be the AFC Pro Bowl team, and even then only because they had Brady, Moss, Welker, Vrabel, Thomas and that impenetrable offensive line.

Van: Boy, there sure were a lot of people crying about the Patriots allegedly running up the score on the ‘Skins last weekend…and most of them seem to have forgotten that The Ol’ NASCAR Owner his own self has been accused of the very same thing a few times in the past, specifically against Belichick’s Browns teams back in the day, possibly as payback for the way Belichick’s defense used to savage Washington in the ‘80s…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Redskins ran it up this weekend by just grinding the ball all day. It sez so right here that Jason Campbell attempts less than 15 passes and the ‘Skins O holds the ball for 47 minutes.

Carolina at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Like POS says, “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken.” The fact that you start an NFL game at quarterback does not make you an NFL quarterback. This means you, David Carr, and your great-uncle Vinny, too. Everybody knows about the injuries to Jake Dellhomme, Carr and Testaverde, but you may not have noticed that they lost their original third-string quarterback, one Brett Basanez (me, neither), to a season-ending injury. If this was the presidency, we would be swearing in the Secretary of Agriculture right now.

Van: Where’s “I am in control here!” Al Haig when you need him? (sigh) That said, Uncle Rico hasn’t exactly lit it up at quarterback for the Titans, but they really don’t need him to right now. Keith Bulluck leads a truly Tyrannic defense, and Jeff Fisher must have promised LenWhale White a cheeseburger for every ten yards he gains and an extra trip through the buffet line for every touchdown, because the Fat Kid is on a mission.

Seattle at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I believe I am on the record as disliking the Seahawks. Nothing has changed. Not including the Pittsburgh Steelers, who scrubbed the Seahawks in Week 5, their opponents have a combined record of 14-29. Matt Hasselbeck, who has not been playing well anyway, has an injured oblique muscle. Oblique, meaning both “not toward your receiver” and “the muscle with which you throw.” Cleveland, on the other hand, is fun to watch. Man, I can’t even believe that’s a sentence.

Van: Cleveland at home is the surest thing in football right now. All season long they have feasted on sorry teams (this means you, Seattle) at Browns Stadium. Derek Anderson continues to find Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow 2 – Electric Boogaloo at the end of his rainbows. And Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.

New England at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: Indianap…PSYCHE! OF COURSE New England
Man, this looks like a pretty good game. I wonder why nobody is talking about it. The Patriots has been flying way under the radar, and even though they are not getting any love from the networks, you should really make the effort to seek out one of their games. Bill Belichick is the best NFL coach you have never heard of and Randy Moss is quietly putting together a great statistical season. Right now New England is overshadowing global warming. If Tom Brady pulled a John Lennon and declared the Pats “bigger than Jesus,” much of the public would be offended, but in their own heads might agree. As much as I have heard about the egregious disrespect shown the defending world champion Colts, I have not heard anybody pick them. After watching the Patriots work a good Redskin team 52-7 (seriously, don’t just let that slide, it was 52-7), how could you? As an aside to this game, I would like to make a point about “running up the score.” See, the responsibility here lies with the runnee, not the runner. I am gratified that most of the experts agree that if you have a problem with somebody beating you by a lot of points, the best course of action is to man up and stop them, but the point I have not heard anybody make is that this is not college. This is not a formative experience. Nobody’s feelings are important. The Patriots did not bring in the Redskins for a guarantee game, an early season tune-up before their real schedule starts. There is no flatter playing field than the NFL. Everybody has great facilities, everybody has essentially an identical budget, nobody has an original idea for more than a couple of hours before everybody else can steal it. It is 100% the Redskins own fault that they are 45 points worse than the Patriots, and I would immediately cut anybody (Randall Godfrey, you tool) who did not understand that.

Van: Actually, regarding your “no experts” point, Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post makes your points in an excellent article, but no one listens to Wilbon because he’s a black writer who dares take black athletes to task for acting like asses in public…oh, the rivers of Hater-aid that flow whenever he calls out a Mike Vick or a Chad Johnson for being the latest members of the saggy-pants Minstrel Show in the NFL. I really, really want to believe that Indianapolis can beat New England only because of the lack of respect they’ve received nationally as an undefeated Super Bowl champion defending the title, but, I mean…52-7? Really? That score just sticks with you, kinda like accidentally seeing an older relative naked during the holidays (Aunt Sissy!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!) I used to wonder if we would ever see an undefeated team in the NFL. Now I wonder if the Patriots can continue to make a mockery of the point-spread. (More on the spread later…heh heh heh)

Houston at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Oakland
The hard-luck Texans should start playing Powerball, because nobody’s fortunes can stay this bad for very long. With a bye week looming and the return of Andre Johnson immanent, Houston needs only a solid effort against a 2007 Raider team that looks increasingly like the 2006 Raider team to stay in the playoff hunt. It should be noted that everyone who is calling for JeMarcus Russell deserves him and is not welcome to come crying to me if they get him.

Van: Say it with me: Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Rosenfels snuck up on Tennessee because there was no film on the guy and they pretty much thought they had the game won. He won’t sneak up on the Raiders. And I’ll believe that Ahman Green is “probable” when I see him carry the football in a game. Houston started off so promisingly, then Johnson got broke, Green’s warranty expired, and Matt Schaub got what everyone but his coach is calling a concussion (apparently, if it IS a concussion, you can’t go rushing the kid back into the fray because of NFL rules against playing guys diagnosed with the C word, and Coach Kubiak has only said the word “dinged” in public…think of it like this: only Congress can declare war, which explains all those “police actions” and “surgical air strikes” we had under Bill Clinton…)

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore is terrible. Pittsburgh can be a little inconsistent, but not at home. This is the biggest line in the NFL this week with the Steelers favored by 9½. The reason Vegas is so cool is because they make money. Oddsmakers are really good, so if they say this is a beating, you should at least investigate why.

Van: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Bill, you ignorant slut. The oddsmakers do not assess a line because of some alleged “strength of ass-whupping quotient,” but to even out the bets. Most mokes prefer to bet on the team that they believe will win. The House can’t afford for everyone to bet the overwhelming favorite because then the House loses money, and if the paper bags going east start getting light, there will be holes in the desert for months. Therefore, the House establishes a point spread. The favorite can’t just win; the favorite has to win by more than “x” number of points. In games where there is an overwhelming favorite, the line gets established early and high as a way to forestall people from playing favorites; if people continue to bet the favorite, the line gets pushed up to discourage them. If too many people start taking the dog, the line gets brought down. Thus, a 9-and-a-hook line on Pittsburgh does not mean that the wise guys like Pittsburgh to put a beating on Baltimore by more than 9-and-a-hook; it only means that so many people are betting on Pittsburgh that the House is covering their end by putting the spread at something ridiculous. In fact, Pittsburgh is likely to win…by exactly 9. That half-point will be worth millions this weekend. Not that I have any action on the game…just sayin…

Week 8 Prognostications - Less is More. Really.

We have a new format here at the Posedown. The very clever observer might notice that I am on a two-week winning streak, but that is not the change. Let it not be said that Javan Walker and William Bryan do not care for their public. Oh, no. Acting upon feedback from our people, some of whom felt that reading our weekly picks was a career, you can now find games in AFC parks on Van’s site and games in NFC parks on mine.
As clear as this might normally be, this week the Dolphins play a home game in London and the Chargers play a home game somewhere. Hmm.

And Van is at home, literally and figuratively in the dark while the rest of us bask in the light. But he does have cabbage. Oh, yes.

Van: Hey, I like cabbage. I like the way it makes me smell. It makes me want to shuffle around the yurt in an old bathrobe and galoshes, and say stuff like “PUMPERNICKEL? Shuffle that elephant! Millenium hand and shrimp!”

Take your beating, cabbage boy. To arms.

Oakland at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Rob Bironas vs. Da Bears? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Thor? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Glenn Danzig? Hmm…Bironas. This week, Bironas gets his sidekick Vince Young back and the Tuxedoes roll over the Raiders. After signs of life, the Raiders resurrected last year’s defense this past week, initiating calls for…JeMarcus Russell? It sez so right here that no good can come of this.

Van: Rob Bironas might be the first kicker in league history to ice his leg after a game…geez…

The Giants at Miami
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Van’s Pick: The Giants
So what do you think is making Nick Buoniconti and the rest of his developmentally arrested buddies wring their hands harder right now? The 0-16 Dolphins or the 16-0 Patriots? If both came to pass, it would be proof positive that God disapproves of hubris. Neither has ever been done (while the 72 Dolphins won all their games and the 76 Buccaneers lost all of theirs, those were 14-game seasons), so even an imperfect student of history recognizes the great unlikelihood of an oh-fer either way. But 42-7 at halftime is awfully definitive. This game may represent the best chance the Fish have in the short-term to get into the left column, but only because it is such an odd circumstance. The Giants are too good, no matter where they play this. It would be better if they played it in Australia – then at least the Dolphins could circle the drain the other way.

Van: Technically speaking, the Coriolis effect has nothing to do with the direction water circles a drain, but with perception: an object that is moving in a straight line will appear to move in a curved line if the observer is moving on a rotating frame of reference. Realistically speaking, it won’t matter which direction the Dolphins circle the drain, because, with Ronnie Brown done for the year, they are terrible from every possible vantage point. 0-16 is a very real possibility for this bunch.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Cincinnati’s win over the Jets was as much evidence of their frailties as any of their four losses. Jets quarterback Chad Pennington went 20-31, 272 yards, 3 touchdowns and one pick, but rather than punching his ticket to Honolulu, he almost got benched. Why? He was playing the Bengals. A quarterback rating under 120 is evidence of gross incompetence. While the Steelers looked a little lost against the Broncos Monday night, they should be able to find themselves in Cincy. Marvin Lewis may be counting on a strong final month, which includes fortuitous matchups with the 49ers, Rams and Dolphins, to save his job. It won’t work. It’s one thing to have to bail all of your idiot players out of jail, but another thing entirely if they can’t play football.

Van: The inmates are running the asylum in Cincy, and things only get worse with Chris Henry back in the fold. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Pittsburgh ran up the score on them a bit.

Houston at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
There was a bit on the television show Ed where one of the characters put together a list of things he had horribly misjudged (“Thought Aquaman was going to be bigger than Superman”). I watched Sage Rosenfels play at Iowa State, and I am here to tell you he sucked. Really sucked. I watched him in Miami. Sucked there, too. I marveled that he was in the NFL, much as I thought everyone was aware that he sucked. Do you suppose Rosenfels sold his soul to Mephistopheles to be Jim Kelly for just one quarter? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just wrong about the guy. Doubt it, but maybe. Much will be made of San Diego’s great distraction at their burning community, but take all of that with a grain of salt. Nobody is in danger. Everybody is being evacuated and only their stuff is in danger. The difference is enormous. Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner has seen the light, LT gets the ball 35 times, the Chargers win. Time to make the donuts. Simple.

Van: One of the funniest things I’ve seen recently is that thousands of frantic, UV-deprived fantasy football owners were scrambling online late Sunday night to pick up Sage Rosenfels. Who knew? Still, it’s kinda hard to pick a team that had last week’s game won, only to lose it to the other team’s kicker…and we have to put Mario Williams' face back on the milk carton after a promising beginning to the season...sigh...

Buffalo at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
As I noted a couple of games ago, Chad Pennington is inexplicably playing for his job. I hate to turn on my Bills, who circled the wagons to lead me to a glorious victory over Van last week, but the Jets are desperate and the Bills are not yet good enough to win anything on the road. Did everybody see the Mangenius this week? He is where Isiah Thomas was a year ago, so beaten and clueless that the next stranger who approaches him in the street with a plausible idea gets to be his new top assistant. The J-E-T-S get a one-week reprieve.

Van: You are making this too easy. Really. Last week, you lucked into a win because Marshawn Lynch is a MAN at running back. Baltimore’s big-talking linebackers got smacked in the jibs by the Buffalo rookie, and they are waaaay better than anything the Jets can offer. And let’s not forget the alleged Mangenius and his “Fourth And Stupid As Hell” from a couple of weeks ago. Desperation is reserved for teams with a smattering of hope left (see Bears, Chicago). The Jets are like a severed limb that doesn’t realize it’s dead and keeps twitching for a few seconds until reality sinks in.

Washington at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I have been rifling my rolodex for a buddy who has maybe been in outer pace for the last month so that I can tell somebody about the Patriots. We need to get something straight here: I hate the Patriots. I hate the Celtics, the Bruins and the Red Sox, too, but I care a lot less about those sports. I just hate Boston fans. Accusations of institutional racism have some undeniable empirical basis, but the real problem is the posturing when their teams are losing. Boston fans are no more or less insufferable than New York, Philly or Chitown fans when they win, but when they lose, Boston takes it to another level. Every bad thing that happens is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody. Coaches and players who lose are not bad, they are the worst. Idi Amin, Ted Bundy and Bill O’Reilly are shoplifters next to Dan Duquette, Rick Pitino and Tony Eason. So I hate Boston teams. All this to say how incredible it is that I would rather watch the Patriots than my own beloved Broncos right now, because that is how much fun they are.

Van: Bill O’Reilly? See, that ain’t right. I haven’t said one mean or disparaging thing about the tree-hugging Luddites on the left all year and you gotta call out Bill O’Reilly for not goose-stepping with the rest of the Clintonistas…

Green Bay at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
Just playin’, Donkeys. You know I love you. While the Packers are technically better than the Broncos, they match up as poorly as is humanly possible. The Broncos cannot reliably do anything (and I mean ANYTHING, Brandon Marshall, you dumbass) except defend the pass. Offensively, the Packers can only pass. With very few exceptions, the Packers are not the Colts, and with Champ Bailey back the Packers will have tons of trouble moving the ball. If the Rockies get swept, Denver reverts to being a football town in a hurry, but if the Series stretches out to Monday, nobody will watch the Broncos-Packers game.

Van: As of this writing, the Rockies might not make it to Monday night. If they don’t beat Dice-K on Saturday, they will NOT see Jon Lester on Sunday, but Josh Beckett again. And that would be all for Colorado, friends and neighbors. Meanwhile, as a loyal fan of my beloved Bears, I must admit to having two favorite teams: the Bears, and whoever is playing the Packers. This week, Denver gets some love from me, so much so that I’m even going to postpone my weekly “Fire Mike Shanahan!” diatribe…but God help Leatherface if he loses.