Week 9 Prognostications - The Super Bowl Is Early
So, any interesting NFL games this week?
Van and I are now the most dangerous men on Earth, the guys with nothing to lose. The Broncos and Bears are logically, if not yet mathematically, eliminated from playoff contention and we will now be selecting our new favorite teams.
Van: Uh, I hate to be all back-outish on you, but if you made an album of my life and Death Row Records recorded it, it would be called ELIF4NAFZRAEB, but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to call out Ice Cube ‘cuz he chin-checked the stuffins outta his old crew on “No Vasaline”…possibly the greatest assassination on wax ever, right after Common’s “The B*tch In You” to the aforementioned O’Shea Jackson…but I digress…you were saying something about a new fave?
Umm…I’ll take the Patriots.
Van: I like my picks better.
Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Cincinnati at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Three words. Jay. Pee. Losman. This NFL season has been a clinic in the importance of quarterbacks. With almost no exception, good teams have good quarterback play and bad teams have bad quarterback play. Case in point, the Buffalo Bills, who have led a double life that Chuck Barris finds astounding. With Losman under center, the Bills have been bad, but with Trent Edwards under center they have been pretty good. Almost no exception. Interestingly, Cincinnati is the exception. The Bengals are putrid, but unlike every other putrid team in the NFL, their quarterback deserves relatively little blame. As bad as the Bengals defense is, I doubt the Bills move the ball in Wednesday passing drills with Losman throwing. Funny media moment – the headline on Yahoo’s Bengals page reads “2-5 Bengals Look for Hope of Making Playoffs.” Where do you think they are looking? The bottom of the Red Sea? The top of Mt. Ararat? Lourdes? The corners of Van’s yurt?
Van: This is why my lead, like my waistline, is expanding. Jauron is going to reeeel in the game plan for J.P. Lost-man and rely heavily upon Mannish Boy Marshawn Lynch because he learned with Trent Edwards that a game manager will win with a wrecking ball at RB. Cincinnati stinks like The Dead Marshes.
Green Bay at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Listening to the national experts fall all over themselves anointing the Packers as the NFC’s best team because of their thoroughly unconvincing win over the Broncos (?!) makes me freaking ill. Before anybody canonizes Ryan Grant, they should note that he keyed a Packer running attack that performed well below average for a Bronco opponent. While the Packers’ line has done an admirable job protecting the old man this year, most NFL teams will still get to him occasionally. While I do not think the Chefs are very good, the Pack had trouble with the noise at Invesco, and old Arrowhead will be worse. The Broncos left their corners playing man but inexplicably did not chuck the receivers at the line on either of their behemoth passing plays that constituted the Packers’ scoring, and after looking at film, the Chefs will not make the same mistake.
Van: Hey, Stat Boy, Ryan Grant keyed a running attack that was going against the League’s Worst Run Defense. That’s right, the Donkeys are dead stinkin’ last at stopping the run. The Chiefs are in the middle of the pack (17) at stopping the run, so maybe Mr. Grant’s Hall bust can wait another week. However, if the Pack could handle Denver’s 6th ranked pass defense on the road, they can certainly handle KC’s 10th ranked pass defense on the road. And, uh, weren’t you making some obsequious point about quarterbacks earlier? Unless something drastic has changed and 1970’s Lenny Dawson is taking the snaps for the Chiefs, Brett Favre left-handed is better than anyone on the KC roster right now…
Washington at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I see no reason for the Jets to ever win another game. Maybe I am missing something about Kellen Clemens and maybe I am having trouble breathing out of my eyelids, but I do not see a big improvement on the three points (ahem, THREE points) that the J-E-T-S laid on the Bills last week. Meanwhile, do not read too much into Washington’s last game. As Chicago and Denver guys, respectively, Van and I know enough to look at that game and think, “There but for the grace of God…” The only team who would have had any chance at all against the Pats last week would be the AFC Pro Bowl team, and even then only because they had Brady, Moss, Welker, Vrabel, Thomas and that impenetrable offensive line.
Van: Boy, there sure were a lot of people crying about the Patriots allegedly running up the score on the ‘Skins last weekend…and most of them seem to have forgotten that The Ol’ NASCAR Owner his own self has been accused of the very same thing a few times in the past, specifically against Belichick’s Browns teams back in the day, possibly as payback for the way Belichick’s defense used to savage Washington in the ‘80s…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Redskins ran it up this weekend by just grinding the ball all day. It sez so right here that Jason Campbell attempts less than 15 passes and the ‘Skins O holds the ball for 47 minutes.
Carolina at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Like POS says, “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken.” The fact that you start an NFL game at quarterback does not make you an NFL quarterback. This means you, David Carr, and your great-uncle Vinny, too. Everybody knows about the injuries to Jake Dellhomme, Carr and Testaverde, but you may not have noticed that they lost their original third-string quarterback, one Brett Basanez (me, neither), to a season-ending injury. If this was the presidency, we would be swearing in the Secretary of Agriculture right now.
Van: Where’s “I am in control here!” Al Haig when you need him? (sigh) That said, Uncle Rico hasn’t exactly lit it up at quarterback for the Titans, but they really don’t need him to right now. Keith Bulluck leads a truly Tyrannic defense, and Jeff Fisher must have promised LenWhale White a cheeseburger for every ten yards he gains and an extra trip through the buffet line for every touchdown, because the Fat Kid is on a mission.
Seattle at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I believe I am on the record as disliking the Seahawks. Nothing has changed. Not including the Pittsburgh Steelers, who scrubbed the Seahawks in Week 5, their opponents have a combined record of 14-29. Matt Hasselbeck, who has not been playing well anyway, has an injured oblique muscle. Oblique, meaning both “not toward your receiver” and “the muscle with which you throw.” Cleveland, on the other hand, is fun to watch. Man, I can’t even believe that’s a sentence.
Van: Cleveland at home is the surest thing in football right now. All season long they have feasted on sorry teams (this means you, Seattle) at Browns Stadium. Derek Anderson continues to find Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow 2 – Electric Boogaloo at the end of his rainbows. And Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.
New England at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: Indianap…PSYCHE! OF COURSE New England
Man, this looks like a pretty good game. I wonder why nobody is talking about it. The Patriots has been flying way under the radar, and even though they are not getting any love from the networks, you should really make the effort to seek out one of their games. Bill Belichick is the best NFL coach you have never heard of and Randy Moss is quietly putting together a great statistical season. Right now New England is overshadowing global warming. If Tom Brady pulled a John Lennon and declared the Pats “bigger than Jesus,” much of the public would be offended, but in their own heads might agree. As much as I have heard about the egregious disrespect shown the defending world champion Colts, I have not heard anybody pick them. After watching the Patriots work a good Redskin team 52-7 (seriously, don’t just let that slide, it was 52-7), how could you? As an aside to this game, I would like to make a point about “running up the score.” See, the responsibility here lies with the runnee, not the runner. I am gratified that most of the experts agree that if you have a problem with somebody beating you by a lot of points, the best course of action is to man up and stop them, but the point I have not heard anybody make is that this is not college. This is not a formative experience. Nobody’s feelings are important. The Patriots did not bring in the Redskins for a guarantee game, an early season tune-up before their real schedule starts. There is no flatter playing field than the NFL. Everybody has great facilities, everybody has essentially an identical budget, nobody has an original idea for more than a couple of hours before everybody else can steal it. It is 100% the Redskins own fault that they are 45 points worse than the Patriots, and I would immediately cut anybody (Randall Godfrey, you tool) who did not understand that.
Van: Actually, regarding your “no experts” point, Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post makes your points in an excellent article, but no one listens to Wilbon because he’s a black writer who dares take black athletes to task for acting like asses in public…oh, the rivers of Hater-aid that flow whenever he calls out a Mike Vick or a Chad Johnson for being the latest members of the saggy-pants Minstrel Show in the NFL. I really, really want to believe that Indianapolis can beat New England only because of the lack of respect they’ve received nationally as an undefeated Super Bowl champion defending the title, but, I mean…52-7? Really? That score just sticks with you, kinda like accidentally seeing an older relative naked during the holidays (Aunt Sissy!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!) I used to wonder if we would ever see an undefeated team in the NFL. Now I wonder if the Patriots can continue to make a mockery of the point-spread. (More on the spread later…heh heh heh)
Houston at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Oakland
The hard-luck Texans should start playing Powerball, because nobody’s fortunes can stay this bad for very long. With a bye week looming and the return of Andre Johnson immanent, Houston needs only a solid effort against a 2007 Raider team that looks increasingly like the 2006 Raider team to stay in the playoff hunt. It should be noted that everyone who is calling for JeMarcus Russell deserves him and is not welcome to come crying to me if they get him.
Van: Say it with me: Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Rosenfels snuck up on Tennessee because there was no film on the guy and they pretty much thought they had the game won. He won’t sneak up on the Raiders. And I’ll believe that Ahman Green is “probable” when I see him carry the football in a game. Houston started off so promisingly, then Johnson got broke, Green’s warranty expired, and Matt Schaub got what everyone but his coach is calling a concussion (apparently, if it IS a concussion, you can’t go rushing the kid back into the fray because of NFL rules against playing guys diagnosed with the C word, and Coach Kubiak has only said the word “dinged” in public…think of it like this: only Congress can declare war, which explains all those “police actions” and “surgical air strikes” we had under Bill Clinton…)
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore is terrible. Pittsburgh can be a little inconsistent, but not at home. This is the biggest line in the NFL this week with the Steelers favored by 9½. The reason Vegas is so cool is because they make money. Oddsmakers are really good, so if they say this is a beating, you should at least investigate why.
Van: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Bill, you ignorant slut. The oddsmakers do not assess a line because of some alleged “strength of ass-whupping quotient,” but to even out the bets. Most mokes prefer to bet on the team that they believe will win. The House can’t afford for everyone to bet the overwhelming favorite because then the House loses money, and if the paper bags going east start getting light, there will be holes in the desert for months. Therefore, the House establishes a point spread. The favorite can’t just win; the favorite has to win by more than “x” number of points. In games where there is an overwhelming favorite, the line gets established early and high as a way to forestall people from playing favorites; if people continue to bet the favorite, the line gets pushed up to discourage them. If too many people start taking the dog, the line gets brought down. Thus, a 9-and-a-hook line on Pittsburgh does not mean that the wise guys like Pittsburgh to put a beating on Baltimore by more than 9-and-a-hook; it only means that so many people are betting on Pittsburgh that the House is covering their end by putting the spread at something ridiculous. In fact, Pittsburgh is likely to win…by exactly 9. That half-point will be worth millions this weekend. Not that I have any action on the game…just sayin…
Van and I are now the most dangerous men on Earth, the guys with nothing to lose. The Broncos and Bears are logically, if not yet mathematically, eliminated from playoff contention and we will now be selecting our new favorite teams.
Van: Uh, I hate to be all back-outish on you, but if you made an album of my life and Death Row Records recorded it, it would be called ELIF4NAFZRAEB, but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to call out Ice Cube ‘cuz he chin-checked the stuffins outta his old crew on “No Vasaline”…possibly the greatest assassination on wax ever, right after Common’s “The B*tch In You” to the aforementioned O’Shea Jackson…but I digress…you were saying something about a new fave?
Umm…I’ll take the Patriots.
Van: I like my picks better.
Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Cincinnati at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Three words. Jay. Pee. Losman. This NFL season has been a clinic in the importance of quarterbacks. With almost no exception, good teams have good quarterback play and bad teams have bad quarterback play. Case in point, the Buffalo Bills, who have led a double life that Chuck Barris finds astounding. With Losman under center, the Bills have been bad, but with Trent Edwards under center they have been pretty good. Almost no exception. Interestingly, Cincinnati is the exception. The Bengals are putrid, but unlike every other putrid team in the NFL, their quarterback deserves relatively little blame. As bad as the Bengals defense is, I doubt the Bills move the ball in Wednesday passing drills with Losman throwing. Funny media moment – the headline on Yahoo’s Bengals page reads “2-5 Bengals Look for Hope of Making Playoffs.” Where do you think they are looking? The bottom of the Red Sea? The top of Mt. Ararat? Lourdes? The corners of Van’s yurt?
Van: This is why my lead, like my waistline, is expanding. Jauron is going to reeeel in the game plan for J.P. Lost-man and rely heavily upon Mannish Boy Marshawn Lynch because he learned with Trent Edwards that a game manager will win with a wrecking ball at RB. Cincinnati stinks like The Dead Marshes.
Green Bay at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Listening to the national experts fall all over themselves anointing the Packers as the NFC’s best team because of their thoroughly unconvincing win over the Broncos (?!) makes me freaking ill. Before anybody canonizes Ryan Grant, they should note that he keyed a Packer running attack that performed well below average for a Bronco opponent. While the Packers’ line has done an admirable job protecting the old man this year, most NFL teams will still get to him occasionally. While I do not think the Chefs are very good, the Pack had trouble with the noise at Invesco, and old Arrowhead will be worse. The Broncos left their corners playing man but inexplicably did not chuck the receivers at the line on either of their behemoth passing plays that constituted the Packers’ scoring, and after looking at film, the Chefs will not make the same mistake.
Van: Hey, Stat Boy, Ryan Grant keyed a running attack that was going against the League’s Worst Run Defense. That’s right, the Donkeys are dead stinkin’ last at stopping the run. The Chiefs are in the middle of the pack (17) at stopping the run, so maybe Mr. Grant’s Hall bust can wait another week. However, if the Pack could handle Denver’s 6th ranked pass defense on the road, they can certainly handle KC’s 10th ranked pass defense on the road. And, uh, weren’t you making some obsequious point about quarterbacks earlier? Unless something drastic has changed and 1970’s Lenny Dawson is taking the snaps for the Chiefs, Brett Favre left-handed is better than anyone on the KC roster right now…
Washington at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I see no reason for the Jets to ever win another game. Maybe I am missing something about Kellen Clemens and maybe I am having trouble breathing out of my eyelids, but I do not see a big improvement on the three points (ahem, THREE points) that the J-E-T-S laid on the Bills last week. Meanwhile, do not read too much into Washington’s last game. As Chicago and Denver guys, respectively, Van and I know enough to look at that game and think, “There but for the grace of God…” The only team who would have had any chance at all against the Pats last week would be the AFC Pro Bowl team, and even then only because they had Brady, Moss, Welker, Vrabel, Thomas and that impenetrable offensive line.
Van: Boy, there sure were a lot of people crying about the Patriots allegedly running up the score on the ‘Skins last weekend…and most of them seem to have forgotten that The Ol’ NASCAR Owner his own self has been accused of the very same thing a few times in the past, specifically against Belichick’s Browns teams back in the day, possibly as payback for the way Belichick’s defense used to savage Washington in the ‘80s…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Redskins ran it up this weekend by just grinding the ball all day. It sez so right here that Jason Campbell attempts less than 15 passes and the ‘Skins O holds the ball for 47 minutes.
Carolina at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Like POS says, “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken.” The fact that you start an NFL game at quarterback does not make you an NFL quarterback. This means you, David Carr, and your great-uncle Vinny, too. Everybody knows about the injuries to Jake Dellhomme, Carr and Testaverde, but you may not have noticed that they lost their original third-string quarterback, one Brett Basanez (me, neither), to a season-ending injury. If this was the presidency, we would be swearing in the Secretary of Agriculture right now.
Van: Where’s “I am in control here!” Al Haig when you need him? (sigh) That said, Uncle Rico hasn’t exactly lit it up at quarterback for the Titans, but they really don’t need him to right now. Keith Bulluck leads a truly Tyrannic defense, and Jeff Fisher must have promised LenWhale White a cheeseburger for every ten yards he gains and an extra trip through the buffet line for every touchdown, because the Fat Kid is on a mission.
Seattle at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I believe I am on the record as disliking the Seahawks. Nothing has changed. Not including the Pittsburgh Steelers, who scrubbed the Seahawks in Week 5, their opponents have a combined record of 14-29. Matt Hasselbeck, who has not been playing well anyway, has an injured oblique muscle. Oblique, meaning both “not toward your receiver” and “the muscle with which you throw.” Cleveland, on the other hand, is fun to watch. Man, I can’t even believe that’s a sentence.
Van: Cleveland at home is the surest thing in football right now. All season long they have feasted on sorry teams (this means you, Seattle) at Browns Stadium. Derek Anderson continues to find Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow 2 – Electric Boogaloo at the end of his rainbows. And Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.
New England at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: Indianap…PSYCHE! OF COURSE New England
Man, this looks like a pretty good game. I wonder why nobody is talking about it. The Patriots has been flying way under the radar, and even though they are not getting any love from the networks, you should really make the effort to seek out one of their games. Bill Belichick is the best NFL coach you have never heard of and Randy Moss is quietly putting together a great statistical season. Right now New England is overshadowing global warming. If Tom Brady pulled a John Lennon and declared the Pats “bigger than Jesus,” much of the public would be offended, but in their own heads might agree. As much as I have heard about the egregious disrespect shown the defending world champion Colts, I have not heard anybody pick them. After watching the Patriots work a good Redskin team 52-7 (seriously, don’t just let that slide, it was 52-7), how could you? As an aside to this game, I would like to make a point about “running up the score.” See, the responsibility here lies with the runnee, not the runner. I am gratified that most of the experts agree that if you have a problem with somebody beating you by a lot of points, the best course of action is to man up and stop them, but the point I have not heard anybody make is that this is not college. This is not a formative experience. Nobody’s feelings are important. The Patriots did not bring in the Redskins for a guarantee game, an early season tune-up before their real schedule starts. There is no flatter playing field than the NFL. Everybody has great facilities, everybody has essentially an identical budget, nobody has an original idea for more than a couple of hours before everybody else can steal it. It is 100% the Redskins own fault that they are 45 points worse than the Patriots, and I would immediately cut anybody (Randall Godfrey, you tool) who did not understand that.
Van: Actually, regarding your “no experts” point, Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post makes your points in an excellent article, but no one listens to Wilbon because he’s a black writer who dares take black athletes to task for acting like asses in public…oh, the rivers of Hater-aid that flow whenever he calls out a Mike Vick or a Chad Johnson for being the latest members of the saggy-pants Minstrel Show in the NFL. I really, really want to believe that Indianapolis can beat New England only because of the lack of respect they’ve received nationally as an undefeated Super Bowl champion defending the title, but, I mean…52-7? Really? That score just sticks with you, kinda like accidentally seeing an older relative naked during the holidays (Aunt Sissy!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!) I used to wonder if we would ever see an undefeated team in the NFL. Now I wonder if the Patriots can continue to make a mockery of the point-spread. (More on the spread later…heh heh heh)
Houston at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Oakland
The hard-luck Texans should start playing Powerball, because nobody’s fortunes can stay this bad for very long. With a bye week looming and the return of Andre Johnson immanent, Houston needs only a solid effort against a 2007 Raider team that looks increasingly like the 2006 Raider team to stay in the playoff hunt. It should be noted that everyone who is calling for JeMarcus Russell deserves him and is not welcome to come crying to me if they get him.
Van: Say it with me: Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Rosenfels snuck up on Tennessee because there was no film on the guy and they pretty much thought they had the game won. He won’t sneak up on the Raiders. And I’ll believe that Ahman Green is “probable” when I see him carry the football in a game. Houston started off so promisingly, then Johnson got broke, Green’s warranty expired, and Matt Schaub got what everyone but his coach is calling a concussion (apparently, if it IS a concussion, you can’t go rushing the kid back into the fray because of NFL rules against playing guys diagnosed with the C word, and Coach Kubiak has only said the word “dinged” in public…think of it like this: only Congress can declare war, which explains all those “police actions” and “surgical air strikes” we had under Bill Clinton…)
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore is terrible. Pittsburgh can be a little inconsistent, but not at home. This is the biggest line in the NFL this week with the Steelers favored by 9½. The reason Vegas is so cool is because they make money. Oddsmakers are really good, so if they say this is a beating, you should at least investigate why.
Van: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Bill, you ignorant slut. The oddsmakers do not assess a line because of some alleged “strength of ass-whupping quotient,” but to even out the bets. Most mokes prefer to bet on the team that they believe will win. The House can’t afford for everyone to bet the overwhelming favorite because then the House loses money, and if the paper bags going east start getting light, there will be holes in the desert for months. Therefore, the House establishes a point spread. The favorite can’t just win; the favorite has to win by more than “x” number of points. In games where there is an overwhelming favorite, the line gets established early and high as a way to forestall people from playing favorites; if people continue to bet the favorite, the line gets pushed up to discourage them. If too many people start taking the dog, the line gets brought down. Thus, a 9-and-a-hook line on Pittsburgh does not mean that the wise guys like Pittsburgh to put a beating on Baltimore by more than 9-and-a-hook; it only means that so many people are betting on Pittsburgh that the House is covering their end by putting the spread at something ridiculous. In fact, Pittsburgh is likely to win…by exactly 9. That half-point will be worth millions this weekend. Not that I have any action on the game…just sayin…
Labels: beatdowns in general, Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 8:04 PM
2 Comments:
Andre Johnson is killing me. I have been reduced to playing Antwan Randle El as my third receiver.
I am ashamed.
I'm still beating you both in the pick, but not by much. In the interest of full disclosure, dontcha know.
Point to Van for keeping me entertained for hours in that magpie-ish way I have, trying to come up with funny pronunciations for ELIF4NAFZRAEB, even through the haze of wondering why he's a Bears fan for file.
Bill gains a point for believing the Broncos/Lions... er... Lions/Broncos game "may not get ugly," then promptly loses is for not realising the Lions/Broncos game could get SO ugly.
Van loses a point for using "more on the spread" so soon after evoking his naked Aunt Sissy.
Now here's the question of the week (and it has NOTHING to do with firing Shanahan): Is Phil Simms the worst talking head still allowed to call the NFL (I'm thinking specifically of Todd Christiansen and his demotion to ESPN7 - the Pop Warner channel)?
Did you actually see the game, Van? Or hear it?
It got to where I was jokingly saying the phrase of the day ("...which makes him look even smaller than he already is...") after every replay, only to be horrified and delighted to hear Phil echo those sentiments right back to me. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Which makes Phil look even smaller than he already is.
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