Quick Slants - Week 8: The BIG Game, Part 3

This is actually in response to a good comment, and it seemed worthy of a little attention, so bear with me.

How, exactly, in this day and age of free agency and salary caps, do the Patriots and the Colts maintain their endless annual dominance?

After all, we remember what happened to the San Francisco 49ers. The DeBartolos tried every dirty trick in the book to circumvent the cap, only to drive the franchise off the road in the process. As a result, the Niners haven't mattered since T.O. was openly questioning Jeff Garcia's sexual preferences some years ago.

It seems like there's a new "worst-to-first" story in the NFL every season; last year, it was the Saints. This season, the Browns seem to be similarly blessed. And, every year, some formerly good-to-great team suddenly becomes schedule fodder (and we'd like to say hi to the readers in Cincinnati and Chicago, both of whom have bantha poodoo for football franchises).

Still, it seems that the Colts and the Patriots continue to dominate where other teams wax and wane. Hindsight being what it is, let's see if we can figure it out, and then sell it to the other 30 teams in the league.

1. It starts with the head coach. The Colts have been relatively stable since bringing Tony Dungy on board. The Patriots have become a model franchise under Bill Belichick's leadership. Both teams seem to reflect the character of their coaches, perhaps more so than any other teams in the league right now.

1a. It helped that the coaches walked into environments that were quickly conducive to their coaching strategies. Tony Dungy inherited a team with the great Peyton Manning already on board, and it took a relatively short honeymoon for Manning to buy in. Once Manning was in, everyone else bought in. In Belichick's case, there were already a core of solid veterans like Troy Brown in place, good soldiers who just wanted to win. Tom Brady was also already in place, just waiting for Drew Bledsoe to eventually break something. This leads us to...

2. It doesn't hurt to have Hall-Of-Famers at quarterback. There may be no position in football more bedeviling than QB. Current Bears QB Brian Griese is a great example of this. The guy had exactly one lights-out season in Denver, and has stunk ever since. Don Majkowski caught lightning in a bottle for a hot minute, and then couldn't catch a cold. Quarterbacks who are merely good for a long time are a rarity; guys like Brian Sipe or Danny White or Kenny Anderson would be jillionaires in today's current climate. As stated earlier, Dungy inherited Manning and Belichick inherited/unearthed Tom Brady. Right now, Manning is the Colts' franchise leader for TD passes, surpassing some guy named Unitas, and Tom Brady already owns three Super Bowl rings while doing his best Joe Montana impressions with time running out and the game on the line. Both men are extraordinary leaders with strong and accurate arms. They are patient and will wait for a mistake; they are the Anti-Favres of their generation. They are durable; neither coach has had to find out how good the clipboard carrier really is. And they both have Lombardi hardware on their resumes.

3. Their personnel men are the best in the business. Bill Polian is the modern version of Tex Schramm/Gil Brandt all rolled into one. The man has taken two different franchises to the Super Bowl. You might remember his first one, the starcrossed Bills that went to 4 straight Super Bowls in the '90s, only to lose all four. His second franchise, the Carolina Panthers, went to the NFC title game in their second season of existence. His third, the Colts, are one of the finest teams in the NFL, with their own newly-minted title on display at team headquarers. For the Patriots, personnel man Scott Pioli forms a great tandem with head coach Bill Belichick, and that is so much more vital than we can imagine. There's a reason why so many head coaches also want to be GMs, because they know in their mind what kind of player to get for their scheme. The problem is figuring out the money end and all that paper-pusher stuff that coaches aren't cut out for. Pioli is the executive version of Belichick. He thinks like him, agrees with him, and brings enough credibility that he can respectfully dispute a player with Belichick and win.

4. Both teams have genuine depth on their depth charts. Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris are currently listed as the number 2 and 3 running backs in New England, and both could start in Chicago right now. Kenton Keith is the number 2 in Indianapolis, and he too could start in Chicago right now. When they replace a player for injury, they rightly expect the understudy to do the job that the starter was doing. This is so crucial to their overall success. It means that the coaches and GMs in question have to be able to identify genuine talent, AND then keeping that talent happy behind a similarly-skilled starter. The backups on both teams don't just stand around; they all get regular game action and are all involved in the game plan. Thus, the Colts can rely upon Anthony Gonzalez when Marvin Harrison goes down, or the Patriots can survive the loss of a Richard Seymour for half of the season.

5. Neither team has overpayed for the wrong guy. This has a lot to do with point number 4. Because of that depth, because of their ability to identify players who fit the mold, both teams can afford to buck the market and let starters go through free agency. Basically, the selling point is this: you can stay with us for less and win, or you can break the bank with a loser. Someone might want to ask Edgerrin James and Deion Branch how free agency worked out for them; sure, they both got paid, but they may never play for a winner again...and no amount of money will make getting beat every week feel good. The Colts lost a lot of guys from their championship defense last season, and the result is that they are actually better now than last season. Meanwhile, some of the guys they lost (Cato June, Nick Harper, we're talking to you) are on some baaaad teams and making Polian look like a genius for letting them walk.

6. Finally, because they can find and sign their guy for less than premium market value, they have players that they are certain will fit into their scheme of doing things. This leads to simple execution. They continue to win because they continue to do the things that lead to winning regularly. They execute.

Because of this, both teams are fun to watch.

Again, I can't wait!

Quick Slants - Week 8: The BIG Game, Part 2

Now that that's out of the way...(and you can scroll down to Part 1 to see what's out of the way).

I owe Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt an apology...but only if his Bills finish what they've started this season.

If this team collapses after showing some surprising heart through the first part of the schedule, put it all on that doofus's shoulders. After all, they are the ones raising expectations and pulses all over upstate New York by winning games they shouldn't win. Just don't be surprised when they go right back to losing games they shouldn't lose.

The playoffs have started for the Chicago Bears. They already have five losses, and they are looking up at two teams in their division. The Cowboys will win the NFC East, and the Giants will get one wild card slot. The Buccaneers will likely win the South, and only God knows who will win the West, but only the division winners from those two divisions will get in. That leaves the North, and the Bears are already behind both Green Bay and Detroit. One of those two wins the division, which leaves one wild card slot. And, right now, either Green Bay or Detroit are that much better than Chicago (or anyone else in the NFC South or West, to be honest).

Therefore, the Bears will have to run the table and hope that either Green Bay or Detroit comes back to them. (Cue Quint: farewell and adieu...to you fair Spanish ladies...)

Meanwhile, if the Lions are going to get the kind of run production that they got on Sunday, they are going to be verrrrry hard to beat any time soon...wow...

I hate Philadelphia. I just hate them. One week, they look as listless as a heroin addict on the nod; the next, they show just enough real life to make someone wonder where this has been all season.

Say what you want, but inconsistency is the hallmark of a lack of concentration.

For all the talk about an undefeated team, we could have two utterly defeated teams by the end of the season.

The Dolphins are just plain bad. I ain't sayin' that Zach Thomas faked a car accident to avoid going all the way to London to take a butt-beating...but that is a loooong way to travel just to keep that goose egg pristine.

But as bad as the Dolphins are, the St. Louis Lambs are much, much worse.

They had visiting Cleveland down 14-0...and promptly got outscored 27-6 the rest of the way.

As much as Cleveland gets some credit for keeping it together, trusting each other, and coming back, what does it say about the Rams?

In fact, I'd suggest that Cleveland kept it together and didn't panic precisely because it was the Rams and not, say, the Patriots.

See, when the Patriots go up 14-0 in the first, you're likely looking at the wrong end of a 52-point day. When St. Louis goes up 14-0 in the first, you're likely looking at a team that might not score again until December.

Speaking of not scoring again...ever...I offer the New York Jets. Boy, the wheels have completely fallen off this particular bus, haven't they?

Apparently, someone must not have told the Mangenius that looking at last year's film is just as valuable as looking at film from halftime. They are surprising NO ONE. Neither of their QBs is possessed of a strong arm; if the 10-yard out is the benchmark of arm strength, both of these guys would be out indefinitely after throwing a pass for more than 10 yards.

That's how difficult it is to get into the 0-16 club. A team as abysmal as the Jets has a win. That should impress anyone as to the paucity of "talent" collected by Miami and St. Louis, two teams so bad that the best players from both rosters would still be in last place in the NFC West...

Here' a head-scratcher. Your starting QB throws for 100 yards. On purpose. Your starting tailback "rushed" for 68 yards. By yardage, your best receiver had one catch for 30 yards. By receptions, your best receiver was your backup tailback, who had two for 14 yards.

Everything about the above is true.

And the team in question won the game.

The saddest part is that the Jacksonville Jaguars came from behind to win against Tampa Bay with those kinds of numbers, as numbing as they are.

Really, how bad is the NFC when the Jaguars puke on their jerseys and still win?

It sez so right here that even the benighted Raiders would win either the NFC South or the NFC West right now.

And finally, no, I will not refrain from calling Norv The Idiot Turner an idiot, even after the Chargers roasted the Texans in fiery Qualcomm.

I checked the stat line. That guy who scored all those touchdowns last year, some Tomlinson kid? He only touched the football 18 times total last weekend.

That ain't NEARLY enough.

The fact that Houston is working through QB problems right now is no excuse for incompetence. I guarantee you, The Belicheat makes sure that Laurence Maroney touches the ball more than 20 times no matter who's playing, because Maroney is really good. He ain't LT good (who is?), but he's mail-carrying, clock-eating, yards-getting good on an undefeated team. The Chargers, on the other hand, have a LOT more to prove than the Patriots, and Norv The Idiot Turner doesn't have time to get all cute with the ball distribution if he wants to win anything beyond "Stupidest Coach, AFC" this season.

Don't let the smooth taste fool you; the Chargers are a mirage and will get blowed up real good if they play someone good (read: Indianapolis).

...and I'm out like...ah, hell, who am I kidding? BRING ON THE GAME!!!

Quick Slants - Week 8, Part 1: The BIG Game

Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way first: the Super Bowl will be played Sunday in Indianapolis.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, New England and Indianapolis have gone unscathed through the season. Given the way both teams have played, their meeting this weekend might be the only legitimate reason (barring unforeseen injury) that we won't have two teams go undefeated.

As Cris Collinsworth of HBO notes, the winner of the game will basically be two games up on the loser for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Even should the winner lose one game, the winner would own the tie-breaker by virtue of victory this weekend. Thus, the winner would have to lose two games to lose home field advantage.

Does that seem a tad unlikely to anyone else?

Are we really prepared to believe that either Indianapolis or New England will lose two games the rest of the way?

The Colts have more than answered any questions about the allegedly depleted defense. This unit is superior to the one that took them to the Super Bowl last season...and let's not forget that last season's unit was at or near the bottom of league rankings. From one point of view, it might seem difficult for someone that bad last season to get that much worse this season (the Miami Dolphins excepted), but this Colts defense isn't just a little bit better. It's a LOT better.

It's so much better that we'd be talking dynasty in Indy, what with the offense continuing to do what it has done ever since Peyton Manning took over...

...except that there is already a dynasty in New England.

And they are taking no prisoners.

If the Colts were impressive in their business-like dismissal of Carolina, the Patriots were absolutely breath-taking in their complete dismantling of the Washington Redskins.

It is rare to see a professional team beat another professional team the way that college powerhouses regularly pummel schedule-fodder, but that's what it looked like on Sunday. The Patriots looked like the old Steve Spurrier Gators running up the score against Mother Theresa Community College.

There simply aren't enough adjectives left after their 8-game blitz of everyone in sight. As Peter King of Sports Illustrated points out, no team in the history of the game has opened the season with 8 straight games of 34 or more points. Tom Brady has already surpassed his career-high for touchdown passes in a single season. The defense has been spectacular, and that without all-world defensive end Richard Seymour for most of the early season. Randy Moss is back to making highlight-reel catches on a routine basis, and he's arguably not the best receiver on the team. Wes Welker has been a revelation, and he doesn't look any faster or stronger now than when he was on a miserable Dolphin team last season (ask him for perspective on both teams, and you might have to listen to him giggle incessantly for about 30 minutes before he can give you a coherent answer...). Donte Stallworth is actually playing up to his considerable potential, giving the Patriots two legitimate game-breakers at WR, something only the Colts and the Arizona Cardinals could say for a long time.

And they aren't just beating teams. They are walking through them like there is no opposition whatsoever.

(By the way, ProFootballTalk's Mike Florio has a little blurb about Redskins linebacker Randall Godfrey complaining that the Pats showed no class by running up the score. To which I say: Shut. The. Hell. Up. If you don't like the Patriots scoring so much, well, stop them. It's not their job to ease up on you. It's your job to keep them out of the end zone. If you don't like running backs getting touchdowns, tackle them. If you don't like quarterbacks throwing the ball deep in the fourth quarter, sack them. The only time a game is won is when the final gun sounds and one team has more points than the other team. Just last weekend, Sage Rosenfels led his wounded Houston team to 29 points in the fourth quarter; they were winning a game they had lost until Rob Bironas kicked his NFL-record eighth field goal for Tennessee. The only reason your team didn't duplicate Houston's feat is because you quit playing, not because the Patriots are a bunch of blue meanies. If the Patriots offense scored 52 points, it's because the Redskins defense let them. Butch up, tackle someone, and shut up.)

Make no mistake: the Patriots are as real as real gets.

And, thank God, so are the Colts.

This game is the Ali-Frazier of our generation, but without the political ramifications. It is Houston-UCLA. It is Affirmed-Alydar. Hell, if that whole space-time continuum thingy weren't such a bother, it would be Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods tied for the lead on Sunday at Augusta.

Both teams are utterly professional. Both coaches are utterly prepared. Both quarterbacks are Hall-of-Famers right now. Both offenses are prolific. Both defenses are disciplined, if not occasionally savage.

If ever a game was threatened to be drowned by hype, this is that game, but these two teams will not be caught up in the wash. They will do their jobs, the same as they have done all season. Do not expect bulletin-board material from either squad; if Randy Moss didn't rise to T.O.'s bait before the Dallas game, he'll have even less to say about the silent assassins at WR for the Colts.

I can't wait...

Week 8 Prognostications - Less is More. Really.

We have a new format here at the Posedown. The very clever observer might notice that I am on a two-week winning streak, but that is not the change. Let it not be said that Javan Walker and William Bryan do not care for their public. Oh, no. Acting upon feedback from our people, some of whom felt that reading our weekly picks was a career, you can now find games in AFC parks on Van’s site and games in NFC parks on mine.
As clear as this might normally be, this week the Dolphins play a home game in London and the Chargers play a home game somewhere. Hmm.

And Van is at home, literally and figuratively in the dark while the rest of us bask in the light. But he does have cabbage. Oh, yes.

Van: Hey, I like cabbage. I like the way it makes me smell. It makes me want to shuffle around the yurt in an old bathrobe and galoshes, and say stuff like “PUMPERNICKEL? Shuffle that elephant! Millenium hand and shrimp!”

Take your beating, cabbage boy. To arms.

Oakland at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Rob Bironas vs. Da Bears? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Thor? Bironas. Rob Bironas vs. Glenn Danzig? Hmm…Bironas. This week, Bironas gets his sidekick Vince Young back and the Tuxedoes roll over the Raiders. After signs of life, the Raiders resurrected last year’s defense this past week, initiating calls for…JeMarcus Russell? It sez so right here that no good can come of this.

Van: Rob Bironas might be the first kicker in league history to ice his leg after a game…geez…

The Giants at Miami
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Van’s Pick: The Giants
So what do you think is making Nick Buoniconti and the rest of his developmentally arrested buddies wring their hands harder right now? The 0-16 Dolphins or the 16-0 Patriots? If both came to pass, it would be proof positive that God disapproves of hubris. Neither has ever been done (while the 72 Dolphins won all their games and the 76 Buccaneers lost all of theirs, those were 14-game seasons), so even an imperfect student of history recognizes the great unlikelihood of an oh-fer either way. But 42-7 at halftime is awfully definitive. This game may represent the best chance the Fish have in the short-term to get into the left column, but only because it is such an odd circumstance. The Giants are too good, no matter where they play this. It would be better if they played it in Australia – then at least the Dolphins could circle the drain the other way.

Van: Technically speaking, the Coriolis effect has nothing to do with the direction water circles a drain, but with perception: an object that is moving in a straight line will appear to move in a curved line if the observer is moving on a rotating frame of reference. Realistically speaking, it won’t matter which direction the Dolphins circle the drain, because, with Ronnie Brown done for the year, they are terrible from every possible vantage point. 0-16 is a very real possibility for this bunch.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Cincinnati’s win over the Jets was as much evidence of their frailties as any of their four losses. Jets quarterback Chad Pennington went 20-31, 272 yards, 3 touchdowns and one pick, but rather than punching his ticket to Honolulu, he almost got benched. Why? He was playing the Bengals. A quarterback rating under 120 is evidence of gross incompetence. While the Steelers looked a little lost against the Broncos Monday night, they should be able to find themselves in Cincy. Marvin Lewis may be counting on a strong final month, which includes fortuitous matchups with the 49ers, Rams and Dolphins, to save his job. It won’t work. It’s one thing to have to bail all of your idiot players out of jail, but another thing entirely if they can’t play football.

Van: The inmates are running the asylum in Cincy, and things only get worse with Chris Henry back in the fold. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Pittsburgh ran up the score on them a bit.

Houston at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
There was a bit on the television show Ed where one of the characters put together a list of things he had horribly misjudged (“Thought Aquaman was going to be bigger than Superman”). I watched Sage Rosenfels play at Iowa State, and I am here to tell you he sucked. Really sucked. I watched him in Miami. Sucked there, too. I marveled that he was in the NFL, much as I thought everyone was aware that he sucked. Do you suppose Rosenfels sold his soul to Mephistopheles to be Jim Kelly for just one quarter? Maybe not. Maybe I’m just wrong about the guy. Doubt it, but maybe. Much will be made of San Diego’s great distraction at their burning community, but take all of that with a grain of salt. Nobody is in danger. Everybody is being evacuated and only their stuff is in danger. The difference is enormous. Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner has seen the light, LT gets the ball 35 times, the Chargers win. Time to make the donuts. Simple.

Van: One of the funniest things I’ve seen recently is that thousands of frantic, UV-deprived fantasy football owners were scrambling online late Sunday night to pick up Sage Rosenfels. Who knew? Still, it’s kinda hard to pick a team that had last week’s game won, only to lose it to the other team’s kicker…and we have to put Mario Williams' face back on the milk carton after a promising beginning to the season...sigh...

Buffalo at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
As I noted a couple of games ago, Chad Pennington is inexplicably playing for his job. I hate to turn on my Bills, who circled the wagons to lead me to a glorious victory over Van last week, but the Jets are desperate and the Bills are not yet good enough to win anything on the road. Did everybody see the Mangenius this week? He is where Isiah Thomas was a year ago, so beaten and clueless that the next stranger who approaches him in the street with a plausible idea gets to be his new top assistant. The J-E-T-S get a one-week reprieve.

Van: You are making this too easy. Really. Last week, you lucked into a win because Marshawn Lynch is a MAN at running back. Baltimore’s big-talking linebackers got smacked in the jibs by the Buffalo rookie, and they are waaaay better than anything the Jets can offer. And let’s not forget the alleged Mangenius and his “Fourth And Stupid As Hell” from a couple of weeks ago. Desperation is reserved for teams with a smattering of hope left (see Bears, Chicago). The Jets are like a severed limb that doesn’t realize it’s dead and keeps twitching for a few seconds until reality sinks in.

Washington at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I have been rifling my rolodex for a buddy who has maybe been in outer pace for the last month so that I can tell somebody about the Patriots. We need to get something straight here: I hate the Patriots. I hate the Celtics, the Bruins and the Red Sox, too, but I care a lot less about those sports. I just hate Boston fans. Accusations of institutional racism have some undeniable empirical basis, but the real problem is the posturing when their teams are losing. Boston fans are no more or less insufferable than New York, Philly or Chitown fans when they win, but when they lose, Boston takes it to another level. Every bad thing that happens is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody. Coaches and players who lose are not bad, they are the worst. Idi Amin, Ted Bundy and Bill O’Reilly are shoplifters next to Dan Duquette, Rick Pitino and Tony Eason. So I hate Boston teams. All this to say how incredible it is that I would rather watch the Patriots than my own beloved Broncos right now, because that is how much fun they are.

Van: Bill O’Reilly? See, that ain’t right. I haven’t said one mean or disparaging thing about the tree-hugging Luddites on the left all year and you gotta call out Bill O’Reilly for not goose-stepping with the rest of the Clintonistas…

Green Bay at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
Just playin’, Donkeys. You know I love you. While the Packers are technically better than the Broncos, they match up as poorly as is humanly possible. The Broncos cannot reliably do anything (and I mean ANYTHING, Brandon Marshall, you dumbass) except defend the pass. Offensively, the Packers can only pass. With very few exceptions, the Packers are not the Colts, and with Champ Bailey back the Packers will have tons of trouble moving the ball. If the Rockies get swept, Denver reverts to being a football town in a hurry, but if the Series stretches out to Monday, nobody will watch the Broncos-Packers game.

Van: As of this writing, the Rockies might not make it to Monday night. If they don’t beat Dice-K on Saturday, they will NOT see Jon Lester on Sunday, but Josh Beckett again. And that would be all for Colorado, friends and neighbors. Meanwhile, as a loyal fan of my beloved Bears, I must admit to having two favorite teams: the Bears, and whoever is playing the Packers. This week, Denver gets some love from me, so much so that I’m even going to postpone my weekly “Fire Mike Shanahan!” diatribe…but God help Leatherface if he loses.

Quick Slants - Week 7

This just in: Rob Bironas has just kicked another field goal.

If Week 6 was completely unpredictable, Week 7 was about statements being made.

Up first: Bears at Eagles.

Both teams HAD to have this game.

As in, the winner gets to keep hope alive. The loser is already on the clock.

The Illadelph was crushing the Chi for the better part of four quarters, but field goals ain't touchdowns. A game that should have been a blowout was within the reach of a team as desperate as themselves.

And then: blessed silence.

1:52 remaining. 97 yards between the Bears and victory. And Brian Griese's helmet audio stopped functioning.

Some might call that convenient.

I call it provident.

Like the veteran that he is, Griese confidently and methodically moved his team down the field, bereft of any direction other than the innate sense of north-and-south that he had to have inherited a portion of from his Hall-Of-Fame dad. The defense, stupidly believing the Bears capable of the big strike, left its underbelly open. Griese and his receivers gladly savaged that underbelly, taking huge chunks of yards at a time.

Then, the inevitable: Griese found Muhsin Muhammad in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score that the Eagles had feared from Griese's first completion at the beginning of the drive.

The remaining 9 seconds dribbled off the clock, and the Bears were the team coming out of the coma.

The Eagles? Downgraded from critical to grave...

Statement Game 2: Titans at Texans.

Houston had every reason to lose this game. They were without their stud receiver. Their quarterback went down early. They were behind by a bushel of points. Everything said 'run out the clock and don't let the bleeding get any worse.'

Instead, they went to their backup, and he took them to the end zone.

Again. And again. And again.

And all of a sudden, Houston is in position for the upset of the season.

Except that Tennessee went to the well one more time.

Rob Bironas had already made seven (7) (!!) field goals in the game, from all distances. He was called upon once more.

Of course, he answered.

Eight (8) (WHAT THE HELL?!!) field goals later, Tennessee wins a game that they had both won and lost. Houston lost a game that they lost and won...and then lost again.

And the Titans remain a force to be reckoned with.

Statement Game 3: Patriots at Dolphins.

They were clearly the better team going in. No one took the Dolphins seriously. This could have been a classic trap game...but these ain't your granddad's Patriots.

The Patriots treated these guys like hazardous waste, and disposed of them early and properly.

They might be the most focused team in the league, except for...

Statement Game 4: Colts at Jaguars.

Anyone else remember that 44-17 butt beating that Indy took last year in the swamp?

Apparently, the Colts hold a grudge as long as the Patriots do, because they exorcized more than a few demons this time around in what can only be described as a complete thrashing of a playoff-bound team.

If New England's handling of Dallas in Dallas told us anything about the Patriots, then Indianapolis' handling of Jacksonville in Jacksonville should tell us exactly the same thing about the Colts.

The Colts are making a simple statement.

They do not consider themselves 1a to the Patriots' 1.

They believe that they are the 1, and that the Patriots are the team with something to prove, ESPN sloppy wet kisses for the Patriots notwithstanding.

And, at last check, as I have LOOONG maintained, the Colts are the team with the shiniest new hardware on display at team HQ. The Colts are the team that won the last Super Bowl.

The Colts are looking every bit as super as the Patriots.

And I will say it again and again until I'm paid to keep saying or sued to stop:

One of these two teams will go undefeated, out of necessity.

Whoever wins that titanic clash in Indy in a little less than a fortnight will have the inside track on home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

By the slimmest of margins: one game.

One misstep, one failure to focus, one badly-executed game plan, and now we're thrown into the lap of chance, where the obscure rules of NFL tie-breakers come into play.

Neither team wants that.

Neither team wants their destiny decided by something as undeserving of the moment as a ruling that was largely suggested in a hypothetical situation in the first place.

No, one team will go 16-0 because the other will hound them there.

And the great part for football fans is that it might not matter where the game is played.

Week 7 Prognostications - Normalcy Is Restored

See, here’s the problem with calling your blog “alwaysrightaboutsports” – what about those times when you’re wrong? What do you do about fever dreams or tequila hazes, those little Shakespearian misprisions that result in an embarrassing overcommitment to the Saints? Wait...my therapist is on the line. She says I’m projecting.

Van: I have a rather convenient life motto: often wrong, but never in doubt. This week, though, I’ll be right waaay more often than wrong. Check the slandered blog above if you don’t believe me.

So Van gets brutally beaten and left on the sidewalk for dead in Week 6. The police have no suspects, but there is no need to call in William Peterson – it was me. I beat Van. And badly. And he had it coming. And now I am going to do it again. The police are gonna have to come and get me.

Van: So, do you like your words medium-well, or well done? I can recommend a nice Ripple (Oct. 2007) to wash them down.

Down to business.

Baltimore at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Despite Van’s constant assurances about Dick Jauron’s complete incompetence, Jauron acquitted himself well, announcing that Trent Edwards will start ahead of the perpetually clueless J. P. Losman. Despite their lack of talent further depleted by injury, the Bills continue to play hard and - dare I say it? – smart. Baltimore is an upset waiting to happen, a 4-2 lie, and the truth finally comes out this week in Buffalo.

Van: See? SEE? We aren’t one pick in and Bill has already lost his mind. How many different ways can I say it: Dick Jauron is the Anti-Walsh. He has twice lost games at home that he should have had in hand. They should be on the sunny side of 3-2, not the nether regions of 1-4. Baltimore pounds more lumps into Buffalo this week.

Arizona at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van has tried to tell you for weeks that God hates the Cardinals, and now the rest of us see the evidence. How else can you explain Him healing Jon Kitna but forsaking Kurt Warner? Furthermore, the Arizona Cardinals lost the Vinnie Testaverde derby. Wow. Wow and ouch. In case anybody wants in on this, www.godhatesthecardinals.com is mysteriously available. You gotta hope God is not their co-pilot, seeing as how they have to fly all the way across the country this week.

Van: If having millions of dollars, two MVP awards, a Super Bowl MVP, and a Super Bowl championship counts as being forsaken by God, He can start forsaking me any day now…

Atlanta at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I hate to go all Camus on you, but does this really matter? Really? Here we have a truly bleak game that will fail to keep the distraught from jumping, this week’s best reason to teach your old dog new tricks rather than watch football. I can put all imaginable effort into analyzing it, but in the end the only thing worse than the Saints is my comprehension of the Saints. If the Saints can win anything, and I am not saying that they can, isn’t it the Falcons at home? In addition to the crushing multitude of problems the Falcons have developed, they now have to add Bobby The Bitch Petrino to the list of Coaches Who Have No Idea Who Their Best Offensive Player Is (CWHNIWTBOPI for those that know) and Jerious Norwood to that group’s growing list of victims. While he is usually a reliable scapegoat, the Falcons are about to find out that Joey Harrington was not the problem.

Van: Maybe it’s just us, but it seems to me that when a guy is constantly outrunning the defense and scoring touchdowns, someone in charge might want to give that player more opportunities to do the same. But in the double secret probationary world that is NFL head coaching, some coaches think they are being clever by NOT doing the expected. When a coach eschews the obvious for treachery, well, his team is already on the clock…Brian Brohm, welcome to Atlanta.

San Francisco at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
The Niners could not score in Budapest with a thousand dollars. You probably have your own version of this joke, and this is a great opportunity to use it, because the 49ers are partying like it’s 1979. The Giants can apparently put up 30 on anyone, and that’s at least 21 points out of reach for the hapless Niners. Give them another week and San Francisco will get Alex Smith back, returning their offense to the torpor they experienced at the beginning of the season rather than the abyss into which Trent Dilfer pushed them.

Van: While I like the idea of coaches wearing suits on the sidelines, I just wish that Mike Nolan had given as much thought to his team’s performance as he’s given his haberdashery.

New England at Miami
Bill’s Pick: New England
Right now, Tom Brady is Critical Bill from the classic Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead: “I am Godzilla! You are Japan!” He will have to spend all next week picking Fish out from between his toes. You know who can beat the Patriots right now? The Rockies, but probably nobody else.

Van: Au contraire, mon frere. The Patriots can be beaten right now. Just not in this universe. Now, should we travel down an alternate pants leg of the Trousers of Time, we might find a team that could beat the Patriots right now. We might also find out why anyone thinks Ellen Degeneres is funny…then again, maybe not.

Tennessee at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Just like that, I am off the Tyrants’ bandwagon. If I did not like Tennessee with Vince Young, then I really do not like them with Kerry Collins. By the way, a hobbled Vince Young is Kerry Collins, you can only tell them apart by what they have to say about Muhsin Muhammad, so it does not really matter if Young manages to play or not.

Van: Just like that, you’re on the Houston bandwagon…heh heh heh. Don’t worry; I saved you some beer and a hotdog because I knew you’d be along sooner or later.

Tampa Bay at Detroit
Bill’s Pick: Detroit
It appears I have a nine year-old’s hang-up on offense. The Lions cannot stop anyone, which probably even includes the rushing-deficient Bucs, but I believe in their offense’s ability to outscore the overloved Jeff Garcia, particularly at home.

Van: If you were at a swap meet, the Lions would be that pleather Johnny Hilfiger jacket on sale for $10 bucks. THEY ARE FRAUDS. Tampa Bay, on the other hand, is a conundrum wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a really cool logo (gotta admit it: that Jolly Roger looks cool…waaaay better than Brucie the, er, swashbuckling pirate from back in the day…not that there’s anything wrong with swashbuckling, mind you…).

Kansas City at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Oakland
The Raiders have heart, Daunte Culpepper looks pretty good, and they are at home. Of course, as a Broncos fan, I believe this would be a fine time for The Big One to hit the Bay Area, assuming such a thing is inevitable anyway. Needless to say, I hope everybody else wisely evacuates well in advance. Namaste.

Van: Namaste? Uh…may the Force be with you…? ANYway, now that we’ve exchanged obscure greetings, the fact is that Kansas City should win this game and they won’t. Such is life in the AFC Worst, er, West.

The Jets at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
There can be only one. I actually read some commentary on this game that said the loser could kiss the playoffs goodbye. Cue Jim Mora, Sr. PLAYOFFS?! Forget the playoffs. The loser of this game has to travel by Greyhound for the rest of the season. The Mangenius already had to turn in his weak nickname, but if the Bengals fall at home to the Jets, Marvin Lewis can probably turn in his playbook and go golfing with Lloyd Carr.

Van: If you’re going Camus on me with the Atlanta/New Orleans tilt, I’m going Nietzche on you with this one: No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant. In this particular case, anyone seriously believing that either of these two stool samples can make the playoffs is either deluded or a beat writer for one of these teams. No, let me correct myself: the playoffs have already started for these two teams. They just need to run the table from here to February. That’s the truth of it; both of these teams are one and done right now.

St. Louis at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
If this game were in St. Louis, the Rams might be picking up their inaugural W. These two teams are such a mess that they could not compete in the AFC South if they combined their rosters. Fortunately, they play in the NFC West, where the winless Rams are still in the hunt. This is the Isaac Newton division. All the Rams have to do is wait for the free-falling teams ahead of them to come back down. Marc Bulger is back this week, and poor a salve as he has been for the Rams, he is a huge upgrade on Gus Frerotte. Problem is, Steven Jackson is still a week away, and the Rams defense is still truly horrible.

Van: Seattle is just good enough to clean up the scraps in this “division”…but only just barely. The Seahawks will win and continue to defy all logic while doing so. (By the way, I know the NFL is all for parity, but what we have now is insanity. There used to be a day when bottom feeders and upper echelon teams gradually exchanged places over the course of a few years. One recalls the Super Dallas teams of the ‘90s going 1-15, then 7-9, then 11-5, then three Super Bowls in four seasons. The point is that the Cowboys eased us into accepting them as a good team after having been bad for so long. Now? St. Louis used to be good. Now they stink like a landfill. Next season…next week?...they might be good again. It’s enough to make a guy drink…)

Chicago at Philadelphia
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Wow. Did this collection of “werewolves and axe-murderers” just rip off their dresses in their eagerness to lay down for a rookie running back? See, I use a formula to decide how good a game a running back has. It’s based on the Bryan Family Weight. If you have more yards then my three year-old weighs in pounds, you got into the game. Congratulations, do not forget to pick up your door prize. If you have more than my seven year-old weighs, then you are OK, provided you did not get a starting running back’s load. If you rush past my wife’s weight, that’s a pretty good game. It’s not getting you into the Hall of Fame, but it is unlikely your team lost. If you outrush my weight, you lit some fools up. Prepare this man’s bust for Canton, and make sure you get the eyes right. I’m thinking the Bears have enough pride left to regroup against a really bad Iggles team.

Van: You really better hope your wife doesn’t read this, because, as a recently married man meself, I can pretty much guarantee that there are two ways she’s going take your bringing her weight into the discussion, and both of them have you bleeding from every orifice in the very near future. I don’t care if she puts the waif in “waif,” a woman’s weight is the third rail of married life. Now onto the football stuff: shut up about Adrian Peterson, Mr. Clairvoyant. Nobody saw this kid slicing up the league like this, not you, not me, not anyone he’s played yet, and his coach still isn’t seeing it. But for Mr. Who-The-Hell-Knew-He-Could-Do-That Peterson, the Bears win that game easily because the Vikings got bupkiss from everyone else. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY on Philadelphia’s team will sneak up on them. The players can talk about wanting to win for Andy Reid and his ill-fated sons, but they’d have a better chance with some better players. The Bears win, period.

Minnesota at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
The Cowboys-Patriots game was incredibly entertaining, and not just because I got the chance to text all my people in Dallas, “Y’all are getting worked.” While it is never a positive sign to give up 48 points in an NF of L game, the Cowboys proved Sunday that they are for real. Not nearly as real as the Pats, but still pretty real. They battled back twice in that game and the offense proved that they can hang a ton of points on anybody. The defense mostly proved that the Patriots could make them really tired. Fast-forwarding to this week’s game, it sez so right here that it is a lot easier to gameplan one guy than a whole team. Adrian Peterson will get 20 carries in the first half when the game is close and 5 in the second half after the Vikings, who have a little trouble stopping the pass, fall under the wheels of the Cowboys’ patented third quarter run.

Van: Minnesota comes in after a rousing win in Chicago. Dallas comes in after getting throttled at home by New England. Both teams are watching film and believing that they have found the key to victory. The problem is this: Dallas, perhaps more than anyone to date, knows that all they have to do is stop Adrian Peterson to beat Minnesota. Minnesota, on the other hand, knows that all they have to do is have the players on New England’s roster to beat the Cowboys. One of these scenarios is a bit more likely than the other one.

Pittsburgh at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Speaking of things to do in Denver when you’re dead, have you seen Travis Henry’s witless and irrelevant defense of his positive marijuana test? In the classic mold of “I didn’t inhale,” Henry’s two points of contention are that he did not get to have his own expert present for the testing process (why did you hire Johnny Cochran, Mr. Simpson?) and that there was only a little pot in his system, which he claims indicates it was second-hand. If you are a two-time loser in the NFL drug program and you have a contract that gives back everything except your raggedy-ass reputation if you are so monumentally stupid as to get caught again, then you walk into the place to be, you smell herb, you leave. You are no less stupid for getting it second-hand. Of course, this is a guy who has not yet figured out where babies come from. When I die, I will get no rebate for having watched this game.

Van: If you think that my werewolves and axe-murderers ripped their dresses off for Minnesota, I guarantee you that what Pittsburgh will do to Denver might get censored…

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Ladies and gentlemen, the Founder and President of CWHNIWTBOPI, Jack Del Rio. Here’s the thing: Van and I are not prophets of God (at least Van is not). We have exhausted ourselves all season yelling from the mountaintops that Maurice Jones-Drew is the Jag’s best player, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT. EVERYBODY already knew that. Pop Warner knew it and Pop Warner is freakin’ DEAD. In the last two weeks, Jones-Drew has 21 carries for 207 yards and three touchdowns, leaving only the unanswered question why he did not have 60 carries. Jones-Drew gets 25 touches this week and the Colts are defenseless. Write it down, and you only have Del Rio to blame if it is not true.

Van: You. Are. NOT. Serious. The Colts are not just another bunch of guys; they are a great team with Hall-Of-Famers playing for them. Jacksonville is nothing more than schedule fodder with a high opinion of themselves after slapping Denver around. Note to Bill: INDIANAPOLIS AIN’T DENVER. Indianapolis will continue to put boot to butt for the Hoosier faithful until New England shows up…

Quick Slants - Week 6

Reiterating a theme that I expounded upon just a couple of weeks ago...

...nobody knows nothin'.

Period.

Holee catfish, what a weekend!

This just in: Brad Childress is officially stupider than Norv The Idiot Turner.

The Bears still haven't tackled Adrian Peterson...neither has anyone else, really...and yet Childress insists upon this fiction that Chester "The Molester" Taylor (more on him in a minute) is his starting tailback and that the rookie must somehow "earn" his minutes.

Borrowing from a joke I used this past weekend, when I still thought I knew something about football: Brad Childress? Adrian Peterson. Peterson? Childress. We all set here? Good. Now, Brad, here's what you do: you tell Chester The Molester that if he wants to throw chairs, Jerry Springer's having a reunion special, but that his job from now on is to get Adrian Peterson water whenever he want it, because Adrian Peterson will now be carrying the rock AS MANY TIMES AS PRUDENCE DEMANDS.

How can a coach have a player that dynamic on his own sideline and fail to recognize him?

Oh, wait: Brad Childress? Norv The Idiot Turner...

And speaking of idiots, how stupid is Chester Taylor, anyway?

Your team drafts a guy at your position. That should have been the first hint that one of y'all was, uh, expendable.

Then you go and get into a chair-throwing hissy fit fight with a member of your own team in the locker room...and, apparently, this ain't the first time you've rearranged the furniture. Word around the campfire is that you did this in Baltimore, which is why you are soon to be an ex-Viking as well as an ex-Raven.

Bonehead.

But I wasn't done with the other bonehead, and his team won the game.

Say it with me, nice and loud: DON'T KICK THE FOOTBALL TO DEVIN HESTER.

EVER.

The guy has yet to play two full seasons of professional football, and he's already only 4 shy of the ALL-TIME RECORD for kick/punt returns for a career.

Then again, simply taking a penalty and giving the Bears the ball on the 30 might not work either...as that Griese-to-Hester bomb proved late in the game.

Note to Lovie Smith: if the defense is going to continue to suck like this, Hester better touch the football 30 times a game. No one will get mad at you, trust me.

So, uh, how bad are the Seahawks?

Really?

No, wait, how bad are the Jets?

Really?

How on earth do either of these teams lose at home to teams that look worse than whatever fills a chum bucket?

For crying out loud, the Seahawks made the Saints look like a powerhouse all over again. Embarrassing.

And as far as the Jets...

Eric Mangini (clearly the Man-Genius no longer) fell prey to the oldest football gimme in history: fourth and stupid.

See, on fourth and stupid, the obvious thing would be to pick up the first down on an off-tackle dive, or kick the field goal.

But that's why we call it fourth and stupid, because bad coaches try to get creative on a down that doesn't require creativity, but diligence.

Maybe it's just me, but is Brian Brohm that good?

Because I've never seen this many bad teams in the NFL all trying to get worse at the same time.

Of course, if you're the Rams right now, things can't get any worse than they already are...not with befuddled Gus Frerotte passing out interceptions like a drunk freshman passing out beads at the Mardi Gras.

There are some things we can take some comfort in, however: the Cleveland Browns own bad teams at home.

This is apparently as certain as death and taxes.

Yeah, sure, Miami scored 31 points with the hopeless Cleo Lemon behind the wheel...stop it. They scored meaningless points in a game that had long been decided. For the part of the game that mattered, they played like they switched their cleats for ice skating blades.

In other news, Brady Quinn is cursed.

Cursed.

So what else do we know?

We know that San Diego is really, really good whenever that kid wearing number 21 gets the football a lot.

Apparently, Norv The Idiot Turner has snapped out of his season-long coma and called an offense that recognizes LT's prodigious gifts...and guess what? They won!

One more miracle and Norv The Idiot Turner qualifies for sainthood...egad...

And speaking of miracles, did anyone catch the quarterbacks in the Carolina/Arizona tilt?

Vinny Testaverde.

Vinny By-God Testaverde.

Based solely upon that performance, either it just can't be as hard to play quarterback as guys like Trent Dilfer, Rex Grossman, or Gus Frerotte make it seem, or Testaverde is a Hall-Of-Famer.

The guy hasn't picked up a football in weeks, he doesn't know the playbook, and he doesn't even his teammates. He just walks in off the street, practices on Wednesday, and leads his team to victory on Sunday. Just like that.

Take that, Joey Harrington.

From now on, every time somebody moans about how difficult it is to coach up quarterbacks in the NFL, or how hard it is to find good ones, or yada yada yada about quarterbacks, I've got this 4-word response:

Vinny Testaverde. Shut up.

By the way, did I mention that he gets his first AARP letter in six years?

And, finally, New England/Dallas.

I guess we know how the Patriots will respond to adversity when they are down in the second half in a hostile environment...geez...

And is it any accident that all three of Tom Brady's new toys got TDs in this game?

I mean, right now, Brady looks like Neo did at the end of The Matrix: I can do this all the time?

I can do this all the time.

And the best thing for football fans (which, coincidentally, is the worst thing for New England) is that the Patriots are getting all the love in the world for beating Dallas in Dallas...

...while the other really good undefeated team sat at home, smoldering.

Apparently, we've already deeded the Lombardi Trophy to the Patriots...never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, undefeated also.

Never mind that the last guys to win it are, well, crushing people with the B Team while the A Team gets healthy.

Don't forget, Tony Dungy is a quiet man with a lot of pride in his work.

Don't forget, Peyton Manning may seen annoying in his commercials, but there is no quarterback in football better prepared, no, not even his nemesis in Foxboro.

Don't forget, the Patriots have to play Indianapolis in Indianapolis in a little less than three weeks.

That's just too cool to think about, because the Patriots won't find the welcome in Indy as warm as they did in Big D...

...and I'm OUT like every quarterback to start a game for Arizona this season...

Week 6 Prognostications - Brrrr. Stickem.

So, Van and I tied this week. In order to secure this tie, I had to take my seven year-old son to sit at Invesco Field in the rain and watch the Broncos do whatever that was they did. Van will tell you they were allegedly playing football. You could not prove that in court. Since you asked, my son had a grand time. Hot dog, lemonade, little orange pom-pom, grown men all over the place turning to his father to ask, “can you *&%$ing believe this @$#*?”

Van: Actually, I was saying that during and after the Monday night game…geez…

Since last season’s Last Columnist Typing competition, during which you will recall I dominated Van like the mighty juggernaut I am, folks around these parts think my opinion is overly legitimate. Before the season, they asked me for a Broncos prognosis. I told some people 8-8 and some 7-9, probably depending upon how much I thought I could offend them. Many people were offended at either number because of the puzzling need of the American sports fan to hear pundits say nice stuff about their team.

Van: Bill’s right, folks. He’s the most dominant second-place finisher since Twice-A-Prince finished 31 lengths behind Secretariat in the ’73 Belmont…and click here if you want to see me pummel Bill some more.

All this to say, I may have been a little optimistic. Piss. Bugger.

Well, on with this week.

St. Louis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
It is completely inconceivable to me that the Ravens and Niners managed sixteen points last week. This game will make that game look watchable. This is what happens when the resistable force meets the movable object. I keep clowning teams for their lack of talent and depth at certain positions, but I do not even know where to start with the Rams. They may actually have less talent on the field than LSU right now.

Van: LSU? The Rams couldn’t beat Stanford right now…

Minnesota at Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Lord, deliver me from teams who cannot be bothered to field an offense. We have two games right off the top for which DirecTV will not be refunding your money. Chicago’s defense gets a little healthier every day and so does Trvrereours Jackson, the combination of which makes this a walk-over. Besides, Brian Griese has two more weeks before he is a bad as Rex Grossman.

Van: What’s that disease where the head coach consistently ignores the best offensive threat on his team? Oh, right: rectal/cranial inversion. There is no truth to the rumor that Jack Del Rio, Norv The Idiot Turner, and Brad Childress are all afflicted, though all three were seen sharing a Coke before the season started…hmmm…

Miami at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Cleveland is a capable football team. Miami is a winless team whose mediocre quarterback’s career ended last week, forcing them to start their heretofore god-awful understudy to mediocrity, Mr. Cleo Lemon. Lemon is Boswell to Trent Green’s Johnson, Allen to his Gates, Loki to his Thor. If the Dolphins were not done at 0-5, they certainly are now.

Van: Cleo Lemon is Izzy Stradlin to Trent Green’s Slash, Janeway to Green’s Picard, Mario Van Peebles to Green’s Denzel Washington, oh…sorry. I got carried away there. Move along, move along.

Washington at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
This is only the Redskins’ second road game, and they should find out a lot about themselves in Lambeau. Jason Campbell has looked exceptional to this point, but on the road where he cannot hear against a top-flight defense, he will come apart. Campbell still has a lot to learn, and the first thing he is going to learn this week is that not all NFC North teams are the same.

Van: Nah. Paraphrasing Biggie (thanks, Marin): I always keep my Nina/ f**k a misdemeanor/‘Skins beat Packers like Ike beat Tina.

Houston at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Cue the circus fanfare, send in Doug Henning, bring me your finest smoke and mirrors, the Texans are going to play another game with football player decoys at the skill positions. They are killing time until they get healthy, and somehow Gary Kubiak is winning here and there along the way and making the Texans look like a playoff contender when they do finally have some players. Maybe they can have Cincinnati’s spot. Anyway, the fluorescent pink inflatable duck is not going to keep the Texans from drowning this week.

Van: Jack Del Rio? Meet Maurice Jones-Drew. MoJo? Del Rio. We all set here? Good. Now, Jack, hows about you loosen up that tie, send Fraud Taylor for some coffee, and give Mr. MoJo here the ball 60 or so times this game, hmmm? There’s a nice bonehead coach…

Cincinnati at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Speaking of Cincinnati…awful, and no end in sight. See, Marvin Lewis can throw every clueless guy off the team, but that leaves him with literally nobody to play defense and some decidedly non-figurative holes in his offensive line. I do not trust Kansas City as far as I can throw them, but the Bungles are, um, even heavier in that way.

Van: Legal analysts in Ohio are checking to see if the Bengals returning to Cincinnati after a loss qualifies for double jeopardy, or at least cruel and unusual punishment…

Philadelphia at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Philadelphia
Ugh…aaaaaaaaaarrghh…bleah. What the hell is going on this week? I cannot decide whether it is some serious evil overlord #$%& going on with the schedule maker that we have all these inexcusable games or it is supremely considerate of the benign angelic order of schedule makers to sequester all the awful unwatchable teams within just a few games. The coinflip says…Eagles. Damned if I care, though.

Van: Dude, you are making this waaaaaay too easy. Have you seen Philadelphia this season? The only team they’ve beaten are the Lions, and the Lions are only the worst 3-2 team in the history of professional sports. Andy Reid's mind is a million miles away from the football field, Marty By-God Morninghweg is calling the shots, Donovan McNabb runs like a Republican in Chicago, and there is no help in sight.

Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Here it is, a smackdown between two teams that I was absolutely sure sucked but turned out to be pretty good clubs. Since that time, it turns out the Bucs should have been stockpiling running backs instead of quarterbacks. So…the Titans in the Sombrero with a superior running game.

Van: Plenty of room here on the Tyrants bandwagon, jump right on! And, for the record, you'll note that I called Tennessee a pretty good club waaaaay back before the season started...but it could be worse; you could still be picking New Orleans.

Carolina at Arizona
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Ooo, Tommy John surgery. That’s bad, right? Who’s Carolina’s…ooo. David Carr. That’s bad, right? I heard John Fox talking about how he was going to adjust the offense to take advantage of David Carr’s strengths. Dom Capers wants to hear all about it when you’re done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I still like the Cardinals. I like them even better with Kurt Warner at the helm, because I have leftover man love from 2002.

Van: I had leftover Manwich last night…does that count? Where do you find this man love? Is that anything like hopelessly picking New Orleans every week but this one? (Okay, okay, I'll stop beating on New Orleans. No one else will, but I'll stop.)

New England at Dallas
Bill’s Pick: New England
Before the Buffalo game, which may have been the strangest NFL game I have ever seen, I might have taken a flyer on the Boys here. They are at home, and all of the reasons that they are 5-0 come to bear on the Patriots as much as they do any other team, but then the Buffalo game happened. The Patriots have not seen a defense like the Cowboys’ and Tom Brady had better have plenty of Charmin packed into his uniform, but after feasting on road kill for four weeks the Cowboys offense chose an inopportune time to lay out the blueprint for how to beat them. Note to Wade Phillips: you may not keep up on current events around the league, but Bill Belichick watches tape. I just hope Tony Romo’s postgame interview is half as entertaining after this loss as it was after the Buffalo win.

Van: Romo’s presser will be priceless because he’ll be concussed by the ageless Junior Seau. Hell, his ears might start flapping after this beatdown.

Oakland at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
I have this fantasy. It’s not as good as my Rosario Dawson fantasy, ‘cause that one is GREAT, but it is kinda funny. See, Norv Turner is watching game film. I’ve had this thing about game film lately. Anyway, Norv is baked out of his gourd, because…well, because he has to be, doesn’t he? Anyway, Norv has got his King-sized onion rings and he is sitting in the dark giggling and suddenly he has no peripheral vision, ‘cause that happens, and after some indeterminable amount of time he wakes up Ted Cottrell by yelling, “who is number 21?” Then after three days on mushrooms, he finds himself back at that stadium place and sure enough, there’s that guy wearing number 21 again. Weird. Should give that guy the ball. Where am I? Is there a Whattaburger around here?

Van: If there were any justice in the world, Norv The Idiot Turner would get kidnapped and replaced by a life-sized Norv The Idiot Turner standee; LT would play Madden ’07 and call the defense, and Quentin Jammer takes over the offensive play calling and threatens Philip Rivers within an inch of his life if he gives anyone but LT the ball…

New Orleans at Seattle
Bill’s Pick: Seattle
Finally, a game on the road against an actual NFL team, a game I am sure that the Saints cannot win. The Saints’ D is like the world’s greatest couples counselor, fixing the strained relationship between Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck in three short hours. Free at last, free at last, great God almighty, I am free at last. I will miss the Saints.

Van: No one is fooled by jailhouse conversions, dude. Then again, maybe it was your beloved Aints losing to a David Carr-led team that gave you what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity.”

The Giants at Atlanta
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
Y’know, the Falcons may suck, but they have been in all their games. With a guy under center who has flunked out of two horrific teams and a guy on the sideline who may be back in college before the end of the year and accounts unreceivable in the amount of $20 million, the Falcons should be forty points out of everything, but they are not. They will be in this one, too, but like their others, they will ultimately lose. On the other side of the field, after a discombobulating Week 2 trip to the Twilight Zone, the G-men might actually be good.

Van: There is no truth to the rumor that alleged Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino will be coaching this game from protective custody…

Quick Slants - Week 5

From the "Ouch, Babe, Very Ouch" Department: You think Buffalo losing to Dallas after having the game in hand hurt? Try reading Paul Zimmerman's comments on Buffalo's coaching in that game (he also laid the smack down on Green Bay's coaches as well).

For a guy who has to talk to those coaches occasionally, these may constitute the ballsiest comments I've ever read from a sports writer.

But, as someone who watched the drama/travesty unfold, I must agree with Z: had Buffalo's coaches reached down and grabbed a pair, Buffalo pulls off the upset of the NFL season thus far.

And before I stop beating a dead Buffalo, those of us who are Bears fans are surely smirking into our ale tankards today at the thought of a Dick Jauron-led team snatching defeat from the jaws of victory...gee, not one of us ever saw that coming (snicker)...

This just in: Kris Brown just kicked another 50+ yard field goal...

Boy, that Indianapolis game was close, wasn't it?

I mean, at least it was close until they finished the national anthem...

For those paying attention, Indianapolis is continuing to hold up their end of the bargain as the best team in the NFL not named The New England Patriots. (And yes, I have November 4 circled on my calendar...that game might be the biggest non-Super Bowl football game in the last 50 years.)

Dear Michael Vick: the arbitrator just ruled on that whole bonus money thing with you and the Falcons. Next time you're in town, you might want to bring your bank book with you. Bonehead.

But keep ya head up, kid. All is not lost (I mean, except the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars you forfeited when you decided that killing dogs was more important than playing football...but I digress). You still have hope.

After you get out of prison, too old to play football and too broke to pay attention, you can always fall back on that degree you got at Virginia Tech...oh, my bad...

Tell you what, anyone thinking that the Ravens made a mistake in trading for Willis McGahee is just not paying attention.

The guy is averaging 92 yards per game, which is 7 above the Jim Brown Standard. Any idiot (or dog-killing quarterback) can rush for 1000 yards in a 16-game season, but the per game average is 65 yards. Running backs get benched for that, unless they are named Cedric Benson (60 drive-killing yards per...but I'm bitterly digressing). When Jim Brown rushed for a grand, he did it in 12 games, at 85 per. Thus, any RB over 85 yards per game is getting it done.

And "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout" Willis is getting it done.

No, the problem is that we have an alleged offensive coach in Brian Billick who just can't run an offense that doesn't have Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper in it. How else does any rational person explain barely beating a Trent Dilfer team by 2...when Dilfer was basically coming off the bench with his playbook still in his hands?

How else can any rational person explain just what the hell Mike Nolan was doing, anyway? Maybe that whole necktie thingy is cutting off the circulation to his head...

When all is said and done, Billick will go out like Mike Ditka did, as a coach who squandered a championship-level defense and wasted valuable Super Bowl chances in the process. Just as the 80's Bears should have won more than one, the recent Ravens should also have won more than one.

It's official: Kurt Warner has more lives than a cat.

Nothing wrong with New England, kids...nothing at all.

You know that The Belicheat has the players drinking the kool-aid when serial malcontent Randy Moss was seen actually blocking downfield for someone else, in a game in which he did not have his usual spectacular Patriot numbers.

New England barely broke a sweat beating Cleveland, Moss was silent and happy and blocking (!!) on a day that didn't see him get into the endzone, and the rest of the NFL just lost another step to the premier franchise in the league.

This just in: Kris Brown has kicked another 50+ yard field goal...

One wonders if Jack Del Rio is paying attention: when Maurice Jones-Drew gets the majority of the carries, Jacksonville wins. When Fraud, er, Fred Taylor gets the majority of the carries, Jacksonville loses.

Or maybe it's just me...

I had given my beloved Bears up for dead this past weekend. What with devastating injuries on defense and abysmal play on offense, I thought that they would die a miserable death in Cheesehead, Wisconsin.

Instead, they refused to lay down and die. They quit making excuses and started making plays, and won a game that they should have lost...indeed, a game that they were losing at halftime.

Apparently, taciturn head coach Lovie Smith blistered the paint off the walls in the locker room at the half, all Ditka-style, and the players came out in the second half snorting smoke and pawing the earth.

Good for them. If the Bears have recovered their mojo, they can still make a playoff run. Buffalo exposed Dallas (just like I said they would, by the way), Seattle just got crushed in Pittsburgh, and, aside from Washington, no one else scares anyone in the NFC.

If Tennessee can play badly and still win, what will happen when they finally put a good game together?

(And, uh, you'll note that I've been on the Keith Bulluck bandwagon all season...word is bond...)

By the way, since I'm patting myself on the back, you'll remember that you read it here first: Detroit is a fraud.

Word around the campfire is that they are considering trading Tatum Bell back to Denver, in the wake of Travis Henry's troubles (more on him in a minute).

But really, how bad is Bell? With the passing game that the Lions have, shouldn't there be a few holes for the adventurous running back to exploit?

Any team foolish enough to put 8 or 9 men in the box against Mike Martz's Aerial Daredevils risks getting burned by a very good group of receivers, and you have to figure that the words "play-action fake" still have some cachet in an offense like that...but there Bell is, doing his best Artose Pinner impression...

But back to Travis Henry, exactly how dumb is this guy?

It's bad enough that he has apparently never heard of the condom (hell, even United Airlines always pulls out on time...snicker), but he signed a contract that expressly forbade him from smoking the herb or he loses his money...at which point he gets caught smoking the herb.

Well, I guess this is why they call it "dope."

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't make NEARLY as much as Henry does and yet I wouldn't think of smoking the reefer in my current job...you know, because they FIRE you for stuff like that.

It's what I heard, anyway...

New Orleans plays St. Louis on November 11.

The world as we know it may cease to exist shortly thereafter.

And the only just thing that can happen is that they play to a tie, because there is no stinkin' way either of them will have merited a victory.

Someone needs to wrap a couple of rolls of duct tape around Priest Holmes' mouth after the former fantasy god tried offering advice to Larry Johnson.

See, I'm thinking that Larry Johnson is struggling because he's like the ONLY OFFENSIVE OPTION IN KANSAS CITY.

This is what happens when you have both Flotsam and Jetsam at quarterback.

From the "Nobody Knows Nothin'" Department: what is going on with the Giants? Can anybody explain this team to me?

They flat-out quit on Tom Coughlin a couple of weeks ago.

What, now they have a pulse again?

And speaking of pulses, be honest: none of us saw San Diego going into Denver and hanging 41 on the Broncos.

After that result, and based solely upon that result, I am officially starting my Fire Mike Shanahan crusade, and I will not rest until he is no longer employed by the Denver Broncos.

There is no excuse for his losing to a Chargers team allegedly coached by Norv The Idiot Turner, and there is even less than no excuse for losing to Norv The Idiot Turner at home, and I have to think that he deliberately allowed Norv The Idiot Turner's team to embarrass the Broncos by 38 points in Denver, because mere incompetency doesn't begin to address all that was wrong with this result.

For crying out loud, he was coaching against Norv The Idiot Turner and came off worst in the exchange. And will someone try to convince me that the same Kansas City team that just lost at home to the somnambulent Jaguars had answers for San Diego (in San Diego!!) that Shanahan didn't have in Denver?

And there I am, reading about how Denver was without Tom Nalen and Javon Walker and blah blah blah. Winners don't make excuses for injury (see Indianapolis). Losers take their worst home defeat since the Johnson Administration.

And they STILL haven't tackled Michael Turner...the way they made Turner look on Sunday, he might owe them royalties on his next huuuuuge free agent contract when he inevitably leaves SD.

This was, by far, the most dismal performance of the season, and the most inexcusable. Mike Shanahan has got to go, now.

...and I'm OUT like Matt Leinart...

Week 5 Prognostications - The Saga Continues

In the middle of last Sunday’s games, I had to send Van an e-mail admitting that I knew absolutely nothing about football. Whatever else happens, a football prognosticator should always be able to outperform a coin.

Donald Rumsfeld went over my picks and was appalled at how I had misinterpreted the information available to me.

Van: Leave Rummy alone. As we speak, he’s checking the sock drawer for those WMDs that he was sure he’d left in Iraq for CNN to find…

So Van extends his lead. In related news, swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker is working Sports Illustrated’s resident expert Dr. Z. Coincidence? Perhaps. Van looks awful in a two-piece.

Van: Only if it’s a Van Heusen 17 two-piece with the bad lines and a short vent. Now, put me in a silk, charcoal colored, long cut Perry Ellis After 5, pleated baggies and a 4-button front, well, hide the women or put me in the Pope-Mobile for my own safety.

It is time to hit the comeback trail. I raised a lot of money this quarter and I am ready for a big run. If you guys have any doubt that Van is ripe for a fall, scroll down and check out his superhero commentary. Dude, put down the twenty-sided die and come out with your hands up.

Van: Axis and Allies, baby, Axis and Allies…

Miami at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Hell of a way to kick off the new me. Matt Schaub can be as great as he wants to be, but unless he is planning to run quarterback draws all day, I do not see the Houston offense getting a lot going. When Andre Johnson got hurt, we all scrolled down the depth chart and wondered who Jacoby Jones was. Now Jones is also hurt, Johnson is still out, Andre Davis has a dislocated finger and Ahman Green still may not play. You remember in college you could play intramural basketball and then one of your Alpha Phi buddies would come up and be like “hey, Bill, we’re short a guy, you wanna run with us?” I figure Schaub is calling T.O. and Patrick Crayton right now, saying, “Hey, I know you got a game Monday, but if y’all aren’t doing anything Sunday…” Meanwhile, there are signs of life in Miami, where Ronnie Brown suddenly sacked up and started hitting some fools and the spiritual center of their defense, Zack Thomas, is set to return after missing two games with a concussion.

Van: If Houston were healthy, they’d be a lock to win this one. And if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a happy Hannukah…

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
K.C. has one of the five best home-field advantages in football, and unless Jack Del Rio used his bye week to learn that Maurice Jones-Drew is his best offensive player, then I like the momentum the Chefs have coming off of the win in San Diego. The biggest difference between who the Chefs are and who we thought they were is Dwayne Bowe. Period.

Van: Because of Bowe, UV-deprived fantasy owners will see more of last season’s Larry Johnson in this game than they’ve seen of their alleged families this season.

Cleveland at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Romeo Crennel is the kid proudly bringing home a short story about aliens to his Pulitzer Prize-winning father. Dad can take the high road (“Great work, Rome. Let’s have some ice cream to celebrate.”) or he can dispense truth (“If that’s all you got, that’s fine, but big boys write in this house.”), but nothing will change the fact that the story is not good enough to impress Dad – it’s just an improvement over last year, when the kid kept spelling his name wrong. The Browns look like they might have a football team, but this will not be the best week to show it off.

Van: The Patriots game plan comes straight from early Ah-Nold – “Crush your enemies! See them driven before you! And hear the lamentation of the women!”

Carolina at New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
Sean Payton brought a wagon into the practice facility to motivate his team with all of the people who are off of the Saints’ bandwagon. First of all, I hate with the mightiest vitriol cutesy motivational techniques. Second of all, there will be no whining about disrespect if you actually earned it on the field. What I am doing here is taking a flyer that Sean Payton did something else during his bye week, like maybe addressing his ethereal blocking schemes, because Carolina is fading faster than my respect for Reggie Bush. Dan Morgan is hurt again. Nobody seems to have noticed that Morgan is Kerry Wood, the guy to whose health the team’s fortunes are always tied, which is a complete embarrassing waste of time because of course he is not going to be healthy. That’s just not who the guy is. With David Carr at the helm of the Morganless Panthers, their fans better start investing in paper bags.

Van: Sooner or later, the Saints are going to Justify (Bill’s) Love (thanks, Madonna). As for me, I’m not quite ready to buy real estate in the Crescent City just yet. FEMA’s got a little more hatin’ on black folks yet to do (thanks, Kanye) before I pick the Saints.

The Jets at the Giants
Bill’s Pick: The Giants
I got a concussion last week just watching the G-Men tee off on a defenseless Donovan McNabb, and this week the inexplicably resurgent Giant D faces the last word in defenseless quarterbacks, Chad Pennington. The over/under on Pennington’s day is 8:00 in the second quarter. Betting lines are provided for entertainment purposes only, please, no wagering. Unless you want the over, in which case I will cover it for you.

Van: Donovan McNabb was last seen hiding in the holding cell beneath the stadium, shaking uncontrollably and muttering “Momma, there go that man again!”

Seattle at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Seattle is better than I gave them credit for – they are probably better than you gave them credit for, too, but you probably came around quicker than I did. Hale Bopp comes around more quickly than I do. But Pittsburgh is a killer at home and until they ran into the clairvoyant buzzsaw formerly known as their offensive coordinator, they were comfortably the third-best team in the AFC. Seattle does a nice job keeping a lid on long pass plays, so Pittsburgh will hitch themselves to Fast Willie Parker and pull away in the second half.

Van: If Seattle is smart, they’ll let Deion Branch be a real nuisance to Pitt’s secondary and a nice complement to Shaun Alexander. Since they’re not, they’ll try to bludgeon a defense that was built to stop the better AFC running backs and lose handily.

Arizona at St. Louis
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
I would like to publicly apologize to the Raiders – the Rams are on the clock. This week’s brilliant idea to save the franchise is Gus Frerotte. Let me know how that goes for you. The Cardinals are living on borrowed time with their platoon quarterback system, which has literally not worked in the NFL since George Blanda, but they are otherwise engaged in winning football games with running and defense, which I am sure Van will tell you is how it is done. He will also have to admit now that the Cardinals are doing it.

Van: What? Arizona gets what amounts to a Saturday walk-through against the corpses in St. Louis and now I have to admit something about the Cardinals? I admit that the Cardinals coaches gave away every possible dirty secret they could in beating Pittsburgh in the desert. I admit that Ken Whisenhunt has two starting QBs, which is the same as saying that he has no starting QBs. I admit that Edgerrin James has scared no one since he cut his dreads…no…took his grill out…no…OH, right, since he LEFT THE FRIGGIN’ COLTS. And I admit that the Cardinals, quoting previous head coach Denny Green, are still what we thought they were: sorry as hell.

Atlanta at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
I think the Falcons’ win last week said more about the Texans’ triple amputee offense than it did about the Falcons. The Falcons really do suck. You should not confuse one lonely win in a sea of suckitude for land. While Tennessee should win this, their pass defense is vulnerable, and somehow nobody will admit that Joey Harrington has actually been playing better than Atlanta could have expected Mike Vick to play. I imagine Jeff Fisher is enough of a professional to look at the facts and gameplan for them, even if everyone else is reluctant to give Harrington his due.

Van: Joey Ballgame has had two good games in a row. It sez so right here that reality crashes in on him this weekend in the angry form of Keith Bulluck and a Titan defense at home.

Detroit at Washington
Bill’s Pick: Washington
I have vacillated about a dozen times on this game. I can see it going either way. Detroit’s last road trip resulted in a violent bludgeoning at the hands of an Eagle team that has been mysteriously unable to do, well, anything against anybody else. Washington can do what Chicago, Minnesota and Oakland could not, which is to control the ball and grind out long drives to keep Martz’s madmen on the sidelines to entertain themselves. Even the Lions’ win over the crippled Bears came with a freakish outburst of true weirdness in the fourth quarter unlikely to be duplicated here or anywhere else anytime soon. I was going to make the argument that despite all that, the Lions are warriors for Christ, playing with the confidence of the truly saved, but forget it. I just bought my own arguments and changed it back to Washington.

Van: Don’t forget, Washington QB Jason Campbell’s confidence is growing by the day, and his receivers are the beneficiaries. Detroit won’t find Washington’s O-line as porous as Chicago’s was in the fourth quarter of last week’s clusterfudge…and we’re four games into the season and no one is impressed with Detroit’s running game yet.

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Colts are not as good as you think they are. They humiliated the Broncos, but that is simply what Peyton does. Some people talk a lot, some people like tapioca pudding, Peyton pounds the Donkeys. Tampa Bay has already clinched their division and has nothing to play for, but they may still sneak up and win this if two of the big three injuries (Joseph Addai, Marvin Harrison and Bob Sanders) cannot go on Sunday. I am betting they all play and the Colts escape with a surprisingly hard-fought win.

Van: Quit hating on the Colts. You’ve been mad at them ever since they pimp-slapped your beloved Saints in Week 1 in front of God and three other white men. Only the Patriots and the Cowboys have easy games every week; everyone else has to work for a living. The good news is that Tony Dungy now has a Colts team with the cojones to get their hands dirty and occasionally grind victories out. Beating teams while injured makes them easily as impressive as New England blowing teams out while healthy.

San Diego at Denver
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Speaking of pounding the Donkeys, even Norv Turner can watch last year’s game film and figure out how to hand the ball to LaDainian Tomlinson…right? LT ran wild last year over what was probably the best Broncos run defense ever, and this year’s version is…not. If LT gets fewer than 30 carries, the Chargers lose in Denver and A.J. Smith is not man enough to admit he was wrong, I authorize the citizens of San Diego to take matters into their own hands and exact a little vigilante justice, although I caution them to take the vice-president, too. You don’t want to lynch Norv just to end up with Ted Cottrell as your head coach.

Van: Continuing on a theme, Norv Turner is exactly who we thought he was: a guy so clueless about running a football team that he still hasn’t figured out a way to get LaDainian Tomlinson the football more than 17 times in a game. For goodness sakes, even Cro Magnon Marty Schottenheimer knew that his bread was buttered by Number 21…no way San Diego mans up and wins on the road. No way.

Baltimore at San Francisco
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Dear Mr. Billick: Tennessee owed Steve McNair better than they gave him, but you do not. Bernie Kosar looks younger and sprier than McNair right now, so Kyle Boller certainly does. Speaking of spry, have you seen how slow Willis McGahee looks? Is he hurt or just fat? For all of the Ravens’ difficulties, they are better off than the Niners right now. The Niners have the also-older-than-Bernie-Kosar Trent Dilfer under center throwing to my least favorite NFL player, Darrell Jackson. If there is a player with the astonishing lack of brains, balls and heart weekly displayed by Jackson, I have not seen him. Facing ten guys in the box (you have to at least cover Arnaz Battle) as well as puzzling play-calling from his own sideline (averaging only 17 carries a game), Frank Gore has been unable to help much. Obviously, San Fran’s defense gets tired of being on the field after a while. They will this week, too.

Van: Dilfer might have Tampa Bay flashbacks during this game, none of them good.

Chicago at Green Bay
Bill’s Pick: Green Bay
I just saw, I am not kidding, a fantasy football expert (read: virgin) on ESPN advise everyone not to start Cedric Benson this week. Thanks for that, Mr. Virgin. You might want to sit Roman Gabriel and Funky Winkerbean, as well. Although I like the Packers at home, this game is not the mismatch it appears to be. Last week, the Bears fielded a defense with two CFL guys and four cardboard cutouts and still slapped around the high-powered Lions’ offense for three quarters before whatever the hell that was happened. This week, the real Bears’ defense starts to trickle back, and with just a little help from the offense they can still turn it around and compete for a playoff spot.

Van: I’m a Bears fanatic, and I’ll say what y’all are too scared to say (thanks, Bernie Mac): This Bears Team Officially Sucks. As long as there is a Brett Favre inside that Number 4 jersey, he will continue to own the Bears. As long as this Bears team continues to exhibit an appalling lack of…spine?...testicular fortitude?...they will continue to lose games like this. Before the season, I concluded that this game was a foregone conclusion. Turns out I was right, just about the wrong team.

Dallas at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Dallas
Tony Romo can take Cthulhu. Did you see him use his Jedi powers to convince the Rams that they had a horrible defense? Oh, right. Anyway, DeMarcus Ware, Greg Ellis and company will do to Trent Edwards what the Jets could not, which is welcome the rook to the show in style. Look for the offense to take the foot off the gas in what will unquestionably be a hideous game, but the defense will score enough to beat Buffalo by themselves. Bring on the Patriots.

Van: Dallas will win, but Dallas’ defense will not shut Buffalo down. This game will score into the ‘90s, like Cleveland and Cincinnati did. You heard it here first.

Quick Slants – Week 4

Paraphrasing Yogi Berra, nobody knows nothin’ about the NFL.

How else do you explain Atlanta?

After being sabotaged by their Virginia Tech alumni (first Mike Vick, then DeAngelo Hall), they looked to…dare I say…veteran QB Joey Harrington, who put up his second superior outing in a row, and they soundly beat a very good Houston team.

I’d like to say that this whole Harrington thing won’t last, but then I said that last week, didn’t I?

This just in: Osi Umenyiora just sacked Donovan McNabb again.

How does any sane, rational person explain Cleveland’s victory over Baltimore?

The Ravens led in every statistical category imaginable, except the one that counts in the standings: the final score. Cleveland has now beaten/exposed two teams that came into Browns Stadium with superior reputations, both of whom are on the verge of implosion after losing to the Browns. Derek Anderson has a stranglehold on the QB position, which looked to be Brady Quinn’s at halftime of Game 1. Somebody must have showed young Kellen Winslow Jr. some footage of his old man going to work, because he is arguably the premier tight end in football right now.

Nobody knows nothin’.

The Jets can’t get out of their own way. Last season, they were the darlings of the NFL. Eric Mangini was being touted as another great coach from the Belichick tree. They were scrappy, resilient, and tough. This season?

The most noise they’ve made is about the Patriots using a video camera to pick off their defensive signals…and I think we all see how that’s been working out.

The Bills go to a kid who was doing a great job of warming the bench in Buffalo after a career of warming the bench at Stanford, and he already looks waaaaay better than the guy they’ve been spoon-feeding for the last four years.

Bills receiver Lee Evans was shocked to find that the brown object that Trent Edwards repeatedly threw into his hands was in fact the football he’d always heard of, but had never seen while J.P. Losman was mucking things up behind center.

This just in: Osi Umenyiora just sacked Donovan McNabb again.

The Lions beat the Bears to death in the fourth quarter. The fourth quarter.

Usually, it’s the Bears doing the beating and the Lions doing the dying in the fourth. I mean, who can forget Marty Morninghweg winning the toss in overtime in Chicago and electing to kick?

This time, it was the Lions defense slapping the Bears around, and the Bears throwing the football into enemy hands.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter who quarterbacks the Bears, whether it be Kyle Orton, Rex Grossman, or Brian Griese, because whoever coaches them up ain’t doing it. And it sez so right here that this current Bears coaching staff is so inept at handling QBs that they could take Dan Marino, circa 1984, and mess him up too.

Nobody knows nothin'.

By the way, the guy that will embarrass them this weekend, Brett Favre? Remember, he was once a fat, out-of-shape, no discipline alcoholic with the Falcons before he became a Hall-Of-Famer with Green Bay.

But then, his coach in Atlanta was Jerry Glanville.

His coach in Green Bay was Mike Holmgren.

I ain’t saying Lovie Smith is a Jerry Glanville…but certainly ain’t a Mike Holmgren when it comes to the most important position in football.

This just in: Osi Umenyiora...okay, you get the point.

How distracted is Andy Reid in Philly? He was at the game, standing right there on the sidelines, watching as his offending, er, offensive coordinator (the benighted and aforementioned Morninghweg) did absolutely NOTHING to plug that gaping hole called Winston Justice at tackle.

The Giants had 12 sacks in that game, and it could have been 100. Rumor has it that McNabb went to the line of scrimmage, barked out signals, pointed at Umenyiora and said “Please, God, somebody block that man tonight!” before having the ball snapped…for all the good it did.

The problem here is two-fold. On the one hand, the Eagles played a right tackle in Winston Justice who could be replaced by a folding chair, the result being a marked improvement in quarterback protection…after all, at least the defensive end would have to check his headlong rush long enough to step over the chair in question. Umenyiora, no kidding, ran straight through Justice at least three times without so much as slowing down.

It sez so right here that the tape at the finish line slows runners down more than Justice slowed Umenyiora down on Sunday…but that’s only half the problem.

The other half of the problem is that Donovan McNabb is still broken. Very broken. You’d think that a guy under that much pressure would move a bit more in the pocket to avoid it, but McNabb currently runs slower than service at the DMV.

And the Eagles have absolutely no chance as long as McNabb is playing pop-up target behind center.

And this from a team that some internet blowhard picked to win the division.

Nobody knows nothin’.

So, uh, how much better are the Patriots than everyone else right now?

So much better that grown men who ought to know better are opining that they might be a legitimate threat to run the whole table and finish the season at a staggering 19-0.

It’s one thing when an idiot like me says that they could do it. It’s another thing entirely when guys like Peter King and Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated bring the subject up. That’s nearly 100 combined years of football wisdom daring to utter the words undefeated in the same sentence as the name Patriots.

And it’s not like we didn’t know that the Patriots were going to handle the Bungles, but man did they make it clear that they were playing at another level. They didn’t just beat Cincinnati, they summarily dismissed them.

The scary part is that Randy Moss hasn’t been this quiet since he was in the womb, even though Tom Brady doesn’t look to Moss any more than he looks to anyone else…Brady just puts it where Moss can catch it all the time.

The result is that one doesn’t have to have a “Randy Ratio.” One doesn’t have to tailor 40% of a given offense to Randy Moss if Tom Brady can maximize the 10 plays he might call for Randy in a given game.

And it doesn’t hurt when you can plug in the backup RB and still get a 100 yard rushing night.

Meanwhile, literally and figuratively on the opposite side of the field, the Bungles were busy imploding on semi-national cable t.v. Chad Johnson lost his mind when he went after Carson Palmer, as though Palmer has done anything but make Johnson look good. Palmer is only the finest Bengals QB since Kenny Anderson wore the black and orange many years ago, and Johnson had better shut his famous yap before he ends up like a nerd at the prom: all alone and surrounded by bullies.

Nothing wrong with the Cowboys. Nothing at all. Sure, they’ve slapped the dead around this season, but that’s what good teams do to bad teams (see: New England v. Cincinnati). Dallas can flat out score with anyone in football, including the vaunted Patriots, and they look like the preemptive favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.

(And not to continue to beat a dead Bear, but the Cowboys found and developed Tony Romo right around the same time that the Bears drafted Rex Grossman, and, after both had been with their teams for the same amount of time, Romo was ready to play when Drew Bledsoe’s warranty finally ran out. See, down in Big D, they have this funny idea that the quarterback kinda matters…unlike the Bears, whose franchise QB played his last game before a hillbilly truck driver from Memphis changed music forever.)

An open letter to San Diego Chargers GM A.J. Smith:

Dear Soon To Be Unemployed,

Norv Turner? Really?

See, it’s like I said: nobody knows nothin’.