Playoff Prognostications - The Wild Card Round
Like Gordon Gano warned you back in the day, “I hope you know this will go down on your permanent record.”
The best way to get caught doing anything stupid is have a permanent record of it. You should not, for instance, allow yourself to be photographed giving the Soviet ambassador the finger. You should not both play college basketball and have your picture taken in a hot tub with a guy whose nickname is “The Fixer.” You should not have your picture taken on your own freakin’ boat with a hot woman in a bikini who is not your wife.
If you are engaging in insider trading, do not communicate by memorandum. If you are going to sell out your country to an invading army, do not send them letters about it. If you bribe a recruit, do not send them a check.
These things will get you caught.
I recently found a love letter I wrote to my wife when we were dating. Not only was I an unbelievable wuss, but it was not very well written. In my senior high school picture, I am rocking, no kidding, a mullet.
Van: My sister Ellen is holding a picture of me back in the day with the full, blowout afro. She’s waiting until I do something that’s worth coin of the realm before releasing it to the world wide web.
Before the season, Van and I let you know. We dropped science. We served notice.
We were idiots, and we have proof, because we wrote it down.
So, now that the playoffs are set, let’s review the All-Singing, All-Dancing, Holy-Funkin’-Cow Big Dog Pre-Season AFC Extravaganza:
AFC East
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
The writing on the wall was apparently large enough for the blind to read.
Van: Seriously, there was no way not to make this pick.
AFC North
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
Van’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
When Brian Billick came out into the parking lot with his cardboard box full of his stuff, I held him down and Van beat him. The Ravens should go after his signing bonus and make him give his gold medal back.
Van: Actually, I’m thinking that the Ravens could just leave Billick in a locked room with Ray Lewis...and cue Pantera’s “Five Minutes Alone” after the door closes...
AFC South
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van was right, and I was not as wrong as I could have been (see AFC North).
Van: Actually, there’s no shame here at all. Right now, Jacksonville is arguably the other “it” team of the AFC...although I still believe that the Colts will have something to say about who eventually goes to the Super Bowl.
AFC West
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The best part of this was where I was like, “I don’t think Norv Turner can screw this up,” and Van went all Lee Corso like, “not so fast, my friend.” I honestly don’t know which one of us got that right.
Van: Yup, we got it right and neither of us trusts these guys farther than we can throw them.
AFC Wild Card #1
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Right. Me with a bullet…
Van: Talk about the friggin’ wheels coming off...
AFC Wild Card #2
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Van’s Pick: Tennessee Titans
…and Van catches the bullet and throws it back at me. We continue drinking and put the video on YouTube. People worldwide don’t get it.
Van: Before I go breaking my arm patting myself on the back for this one, I have to admit that Tennessee was fairly brutal this season and needed to beat a half-asleep Colts team to sneak in...not what I expected at all.
Make sure you check out my site, because our NFC picks were truly brutal. Especially his, because regardless of football acumen, I am better-looking and more erudite than Van. And I have pictures of him with the yak.
Van: The yak was consenting.
Tennessee at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Mr. Brown knew enough to give the ball to LT, and by Week 12, Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner caught up with him. This coincided with A.J. Smith’s vote of confidence. By the way, A.J., Mr. Brown is my three year-old son’s bear. He’s missing like 80% of his stuffing. Unfortunately, LT hates his quarterback and now that I think about it, I don’t like him much, either. So this will be the last time you see the Bolts picked here.
Van: I hate picking the Chargers. I just hate doing it...except that I can’t find a single, solitary reason to pick Tennessee. (And, for the record, Alex Spanos is an idiot for giving GM A.J. Smith an extension; Michael Turner will get traded, LT will break something, Philip Rivers will get beat down in the locker room, and Norv “Al Gore” Turner will be coaching from WitSec next season.)
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
You remember when poor Howard Deane got torpedoed for a single ill-considered whoop that “just wasn’t Presidential”? Can you put your finger on the Steelers’ last “Presidential” win? November 11th against the Browns. Two months ago. Since then, the Steelers have gone 3-4, with wins over the Dolphins, Rams and Bengals, a murderers’ row if ever I have seen one. When Deane uttered the howl heard round the world, he was already done. So are the Steelers. And you had better believe that the Patriots are sitting at home cheering for them.
Van: Bill, I have to admit it: I was wrong, waaaay wrong, about Jacksonville. I love the way they are playing. They have gotten legitimate production out of both Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, without making either man feel like the back-up, and David Garrard has fully justified Jack Del Rio’s faith in him. These Steelers suddenly look like the frauds that I believe San Diego to be, and it would not surprise me at all if this game gets ugly very quickly.
The best way to get caught doing anything stupid is have a permanent record of it. You should not, for instance, allow yourself to be photographed giving the Soviet ambassador the finger. You should not both play college basketball and have your picture taken in a hot tub with a guy whose nickname is “The Fixer.” You should not have your picture taken on your own freakin’ boat with a hot woman in a bikini who is not your wife.
If you are engaging in insider trading, do not communicate by memorandum. If you are going to sell out your country to an invading army, do not send them letters about it. If you bribe a recruit, do not send them a check.
These things will get you caught.
I recently found a love letter I wrote to my wife when we were dating. Not only was I an unbelievable wuss, but it was not very well written. In my senior high school picture, I am rocking, no kidding, a mullet.
Van: My sister Ellen is holding a picture of me back in the day with the full, blowout afro. She’s waiting until I do something that’s worth coin of the realm before releasing it to the world wide web.
Before the season, Van and I let you know. We dropped science. We served notice.
We were idiots, and we have proof, because we wrote it down.
So, now that the playoffs are set, let’s review the All-Singing, All-Dancing, Holy-Funkin’-Cow Big Dog Pre-Season AFC Extravaganza:
AFC East
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
The writing on the wall was apparently large enough for the blind to read.
Van: Seriously, there was no way not to make this pick.
AFC North
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
Van’s Pick: Baltimore Ravens
When Brian Billick came out into the parking lot with his cardboard box full of his stuff, I held him down and Van beat him. The Ravens should go after his signing bonus and make him give his gold medal back.
Van: Actually, I’m thinking that the Ravens could just leave Billick in a locked room with Ray Lewis...and cue Pantera’s “Five Minutes Alone” after the door closes...
AFC South
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van was right, and I was not as wrong as I could have been (see AFC North).
Van: Actually, there’s no shame here at all. Right now, Jacksonville is arguably the other “it” team of the AFC...although I still believe that the Colts will have something to say about who eventually goes to the Super Bowl.
AFC West
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The best part of this was where I was like, “I don’t think Norv Turner can screw this up,” and Van went all Lee Corso like, “not so fast, my friend.” I honestly don’t know which one of us got that right.
Van: Yup, we got it right and neither of us trusts these guys farther than we can throw them.
AFC Wild Card #1
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Right. Me with a bullet…
Van: Talk about the friggin’ wheels coming off...
AFC Wild Card #2
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
Van’s Pick: Tennessee Titans
…and Van catches the bullet and throws it back at me. We continue drinking and put the video on YouTube. People worldwide don’t get it.
Van: Before I go breaking my arm patting myself on the back for this one, I have to admit that Tennessee was fairly brutal this season and needed to beat a half-asleep Colts team to sneak in...not what I expected at all.
Make sure you check out my site, because our NFC picks were truly brutal. Especially his, because regardless of football acumen, I am better-looking and more erudite than Van. And I have pictures of him with the yak.
Van: The yak was consenting.
Tennessee at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Mr. Brown knew enough to give the ball to LT, and by Week 12, Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner caught up with him. This coincided with A.J. Smith’s vote of confidence. By the way, A.J., Mr. Brown is my three year-old son’s bear. He’s missing like 80% of his stuffing. Unfortunately, LT hates his quarterback and now that I think about it, I don’t like him much, either. So this will be the last time you see the Bolts picked here.
Van: I hate picking the Chargers. I just hate doing it...except that I can’t find a single, solitary reason to pick Tennessee. (And, for the record, Alex Spanos is an idiot for giving GM A.J. Smith an extension; Michael Turner will get traded, LT will break something, Philip Rivers will get beat down in the locker room, and Norv “Al Gore” Turner will be coaching from WitSec next season.)
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
You remember when poor Howard Deane got torpedoed for a single ill-considered whoop that “just wasn’t Presidential”? Can you put your finger on the Steelers’ last “Presidential” win? November 11th against the Browns. Two months ago. Since then, the Steelers have gone 3-4, with wins over the Dolphins, Rams and Bengals, a murderers’ row if ever I have seen one. When Deane uttered the howl heard round the world, he was already done. So are the Steelers. And you had better believe that the Patriots are sitting at home cheering for them.
Van: Bill, I have to admit it: I was wrong, waaaay wrong, about Jacksonville. I love the way they are playing. They have gotten legitimate production out of both Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, without making either man feel like the back-up, and David Garrard has fully justified Jack Del Rio’s faith in him. These Steelers suddenly look like the frauds that I believe San Diego to be, and it would not surprise me at all if this game gets ugly very quickly.
Labels: beatdowns in general, Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 8:52 PM
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