Week 17 Prognostications - Train Kept A-Rollin'
In Shakespearean terms, this is the beginning of the fourth act. Generally, the third act ends on a revelation. There’s some boom to it. The fourth act is the climax. In Harry Potter terms, it’s the big fight with Voldemort.
Often, though, the fourth act is constructed in miniature of the whole work. That is to say, it starts out of little consequence, builds action to a climax, then has its own little denouement before moving on the fifth act, which is the denouement for the whole work.
Van: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I nodded off there. What the blue hell were those last two paragraphs? This is FOOTBALL, not lit class, thou gleeking, onion-eyed canker-blossom!
This is the beginning of the fourth act. Little consequence. There is nothing scarier than a week with nothing to lose.
You know what’s going to happen this week? You wanna tell me? ‘Cause I’m about to make these picks and there is not one game on this slate that could not go either way.
The analysis has little to do with normal things – better teams, injuries, matchups. Crap. In basketball terms, this week is all DNP – CD.
Van: What is this, fence rail? Dude, this is FOOTBALL. Normally, you say something witty and then commence to screwing up your picks while wishing you were me. This week? Yeesh. (For those interested in truly witty commentary and devastatingly-accurate picks, click here.)
Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more.
San Francisco at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco sucks. They suck in a way irreparable in the off-season. They will fire Mike Nolan and suffer yet another coaching change, and a straw poll shows, in true Chicago fashion, that 13 out of every 10 fans wants Eddie DeBartolo back. Speaking of Eazy Eddie D, the Browns built their squad the right way, didn’t they? Wait on their screw-up tight end to shut up and get healthy, dumb into a quarterback, draft a potentially great receiver, pirate somebody, anybody from the Patriot machine. And yet…will their found object of a QB play this week, or will we see the Poor Kid Formerly Known as the Fourth Pick in the Draft?
Van: Cleveland at home? Check. Bad team coming in? Check. Cleveland beats bad teams at home? Check. The Browns win, but their biggest problem isn’t making the playoffs this season. It’s what to do with that Bonus Baby sitting on the bench, in light of Derek Anderson’s play. The sheer amount of cash involved demands some sort of return on their investment in Brady Quinn...but there’s no guarantee that he will ever be as good as Anderson is right now. You might ask the Chargers how that whole Drew Brees/Philip Rivers thing worked out. The Saints got a Pro Bowl veteran, and the Chargers got a guy that LaDainian Tomlinson hates.
Jacksonville at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Houston is just a little luck short of a playoff season. The Texans can play some football, proving once and for all that it is better to scavenge the Broncos than to actually be the Broncos. But without Dunta Robinson, without Andre Johnson, without Matt Schaub, it is harder to win. Next year, fellas. And in this year, Jacksonville is That Team. Every year, there is one team that nobody wants to play. On the road, at home, in the weather, in a dome, on a train, with a fox or in a box, nobody, and I mean the you, Mr. Belichick, wants any part of the Jagwads. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Colonel Del Rio sitting anybody for any reason other than pique. Jags roll.
Van: The Jaguars may be the most compelling reason for certain teams in the AFC to play hard this weekend, because no one wants to face them first. Jack Del Rio has built a formidable squad. And here’s something interesting that I read on Sports Illustrated’s NFL page: if a QB rating of 80 means that your QB is pretty good-to-great, then David Garrard is the best QB in the NFL, because he has yet to score below 80 in any game this season. This offense was tailored to grinding out close wins in the playoffs.
Cincinnati at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Bungles are playing football, but unlike the endless Wayne Fontes cycle in Detroit back in the day (in Detroit, “back in the day” always translates to “when Barry Sanders was playing”), they started too late to save Marvin Lewis’ job. Strangely, the Dolphins may be in better shape for the future than Cincinnati. Cincinnati has very little talent on the defensive side of the ball, and most of their talent on the offensive side is cancerous and needs to be removed by any means necessary. At least Miami does not need to subtract.
Van: I’m still picking Cincy, based solely upon talent. Undisciplined though they are, they can run rings around the j-v in Miami. Still, don’t be surprised if we see something of an effort from the Dolphins. Ordinarily, they would already have the cars packed and running before the game ended, but then the owner hired Bill Parcells to be the Qwisatz Haderach of all things football in Fin-Land. The brighter among them might realize that this is basically a one-game audition for the Tuna, and that a good showing here means a job next training camp. A bad showing, and, well, who wants a castoff from a 1-15 squad?
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bad as Baltimore is, disconsolate as they are over narrow losses to both Miami and New England, fired as Brian Billick should be, unfit for the NFL as all of the Ravens’ quarterbacks are, this is a feel pick. If Pittsburgh wins, they march into the playoffs, fodder-to-be for the Patriots in Foxboro on January 13, Mike Tomlin’s first year is a big success, free pass to year 2. Similarly, Baltimore loses and they suck as we know they do, with their elderly defense and pedestrian offense incompetent to cross a street, Billick gets fired, Ozzie newsome is on notice, they start looking hard at Patriot copy boys to handle their personnel. But the chaos that ensues when Baltimore wins? The questions, recriminations? That’s what it feels like is going to happen.
Van: Feel pick? This is why you will never catch me, thou artless, fen-sucked hugger-mugger! Coach Loincloth will look at a post-mortem Ravens team and begin salivating about slapping them around for four quarters. Baltimore’s guys have flat-out quit on Brian Billick, while Pittsburgh’s guys get to go to the playoffs.
Minnesota at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Oh, goody. Tenth verse, same as the first nine. Quiz for you – what do you get when you pair a physical team who runs the ball and stops the run and has a playoff spot on the line with a wee little mermaid of a team that does not stop the run, cannot run their offense without the run and has absolutely nothing to play for? Just another victim, kid. Vikings by like 80.
Van: I’m just waiting to see which member of the Broncos blows up at a coach on the sidelines. And while I like Minny here, can someone please inform the Vikings players that smoking marijuana is a CRIME? How the hell do two (!!) players from this team get busted in the same month for smoking the doobage? I’m tempted to give Brad Childress a pass (after all, these are grown men we are talking about, and he shouldn’t have to hold their hands after practice every day), but I still wonder if giving out a pink slip or two wouldn’t have a chilling effect on the current reefer madness.
San Diego at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
This should be a riot. The Raiders play the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, bound and determined to lose a war to the United States, played in a fit of poor casting by Norv The #$%&ing Idiot Turner and the Bolts. In order to ensure a losing campaign, they deploy their very own Tully Bascombe, one JaMarcus Russell, an NFL quarterback roughly $30 million more accomplished than I am (P. T. Barnum on in 3…2…1…). The thing is, despite the involvement of Al Davis, this is nominally real life. As big a screw-up as Norv is, the Raiders have a Commitment to Excellence. Once they set their minds to it, there is no way they can win this game.
Van: The Chargers will win again. The fat heads on t.v. will proclaim them “ready for the playoffs.” Heh. In this top-loaded AFC playoff picture, I don’t see San Diego as being any better than the fifth team overall. Honestly, I don’t even believe that they are as tough as the Redskins are, and the ‘Skins might not make the playoffs in the NFC. This team is a bad loss in the playoffs away from falling apart.
Kansas City at The Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: The Jets
What if they had an NFL game and nobody came? Nobody watched? Because you know damn well nobody cares. Already 20 too many words burned on this rot.
Van: The only people who care about this game have money riding on it. And anyone who has money riding on this game needs real help.
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Like Derek Jacoby said in Act IV of Dead Again, “I for one am v-v-very interested to see what is going to happen next.” Here is a coach in Tony Dungy who, God love him, has no idea how to end the regular season gracefully. The Colts are like the Penn Quakers – they always have everything wrapped up a month early, and then they have to…what? Find a hobby? Here is where the Tyrants find out where they are – and I think they are where the Texan are, where the Cubs are every year. Looking forward to next year.
Van: Say what you will about Dungy’s inability to land the plane safely, but the Colts might be the only team in football that could take the AFC Championship away from New England in Foxboro this season. I keep saying it and saying it, these guys are a little sick and tired of being the Super Bowl champion afterthoughts. They beat New England last season and slapped my beloved Bears silly in The Big Roman Numeral, and nobody is giving them any love this season. Peyton Manning is on the verge of his eighth (!!) 4000 yard season and all we can hear about is Tom-Brady-this-and-Derek-Anderson-that. Tennessee will need counseling after this mash-up.
Often, though, the fourth act is constructed in miniature of the whole work. That is to say, it starts out of little consequence, builds action to a climax, then has its own little denouement before moving on the fifth act, which is the denouement for the whole work.
Van: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I nodded off there. What the blue hell were those last two paragraphs? This is FOOTBALL, not lit class, thou gleeking, onion-eyed canker-blossom!
This is the beginning of the fourth act. Little consequence. There is nothing scarier than a week with nothing to lose.
You know what’s going to happen this week? You wanna tell me? ‘Cause I’m about to make these picks and there is not one game on this slate that could not go either way.
The analysis has little to do with normal things – better teams, injuries, matchups. Crap. In basketball terms, this week is all DNP – CD.
Van: What is this, fence rail? Dude, this is FOOTBALL. Normally, you say something witty and then commence to screwing up your picks while wishing you were me. This week? Yeesh. (For those interested in truly witty commentary and devastatingly-accurate picks, click here.)
Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more.
San Francisco at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco sucks. They suck in a way irreparable in the off-season. They will fire Mike Nolan and suffer yet another coaching change, and a straw poll shows, in true Chicago fashion, that 13 out of every 10 fans wants Eddie DeBartolo back. Speaking of Eazy Eddie D, the Browns built their squad the right way, didn’t they? Wait on their screw-up tight end to shut up and get healthy, dumb into a quarterback, draft a potentially great receiver, pirate somebody, anybody from the Patriot machine. And yet…will their found object of a QB play this week, or will we see the Poor Kid Formerly Known as the Fourth Pick in the Draft?
Van: Cleveland at home? Check. Bad team coming in? Check. Cleveland beats bad teams at home? Check. The Browns win, but their biggest problem isn’t making the playoffs this season. It’s what to do with that Bonus Baby sitting on the bench, in light of Derek Anderson’s play. The sheer amount of cash involved demands some sort of return on their investment in Brady Quinn...but there’s no guarantee that he will ever be as good as Anderson is right now. You might ask the Chargers how that whole Drew Brees/Philip Rivers thing worked out. The Saints got a Pro Bowl veteran, and the Chargers got a guy that LaDainian Tomlinson hates.
Jacksonville at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Houston is just a little luck short of a playoff season. The Texans can play some football, proving once and for all that it is better to scavenge the Broncos than to actually be the Broncos. But without Dunta Robinson, without Andre Johnson, without Matt Schaub, it is harder to win. Next year, fellas. And in this year, Jacksonville is That Team. Every year, there is one team that nobody wants to play. On the road, at home, in the weather, in a dome, on a train, with a fox or in a box, nobody, and I mean the you, Mr. Belichick, wants any part of the Jagwads. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Colonel Del Rio sitting anybody for any reason other than pique. Jags roll.
Van: The Jaguars may be the most compelling reason for certain teams in the AFC to play hard this weekend, because no one wants to face them first. Jack Del Rio has built a formidable squad. And here’s something interesting that I read on Sports Illustrated’s NFL page: if a QB rating of 80 means that your QB is pretty good-to-great, then David Garrard is the best QB in the NFL, because he has yet to score below 80 in any game this season. This offense was tailored to grinding out close wins in the playoffs.
Cincinnati at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Bungles are playing football, but unlike the endless Wayne Fontes cycle in Detroit back in the day (in Detroit, “back in the day” always translates to “when Barry Sanders was playing”), they started too late to save Marvin Lewis’ job. Strangely, the Dolphins may be in better shape for the future than Cincinnati. Cincinnati has very little talent on the defensive side of the ball, and most of their talent on the offensive side is cancerous and needs to be removed by any means necessary. At least Miami does not need to subtract.
Van: I’m still picking Cincy, based solely upon talent. Undisciplined though they are, they can run rings around the j-v in Miami. Still, don’t be surprised if we see something of an effort from the Dolphins. Ordinarily, they would already have the cars packed and running before the game ended, but then the owner hired Bill Parcells to be the Qwisatz Haderach of all things football in Fin-Land. The brighter among them might realize that this is basically a one-game audition for the Tuna, and that a good showing here means a job next training camp. A bad showing, and, well, who wants a castoff from a 1-15 squad?
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bad as Baltimore is, disconsolate as they are over narrow losses to both Miami and New England, fired as Brian Billick should be, unfit for the NFL as all of the Ravens’ quarterbacks are, this is a feel pick. If Pittsburgh wins, they march into the playoffs, fodder-to-be for the Patriots in Foxboro on January 13, Mike Tomlin’s first year is a big success, free pass to year 2. Similarly, Baltimore loses and they suck as we know they do, with their elderly defense and pedestrian offense incompetent to cross a street, Billick gets fired, Ozzie newsome is on notice, they start looking hard at Patriot copy boys to handle their personnel. But the chaos that ensues when Baltimore wins? The questions, recriminations? That’s what it feels like is going to happen.
Van: Feel pick? This is why you will never catch me, thou artless, fen-sucked hugger-mugger! Coach Loincloth will look at a post-mortem Ravens team and begin salivating about slapping them around for four quarters. Baltimore’s guys have flat-out quit on Brian Billick, while Pittsburgh’s guys get to go to the playoffs.
Minnesota at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Oh, goody. Tenth verse, same as the first nine. Quiz for you – what do you get when you pair a physical team who runs the ball and stops the run and has a playoff spot on the line with a wee little mermaid of a team that does not stop the run, cannot run their offense without the run and has absolutely nothing to play for? Just another victim, kid. Vikings by like 80.
Van: I’m just waiting to see which member of the Broncos blows up at a coach on the sidelines. And while I like Minny here, can someone please inform the Vikings players that smoking marijuana is a CRIME? How the hell do two (!!) players from this team get busted in the same month for smoking the doobage? I’m tempted to give Brad Childress a pass (after all, these are grown men we are talking about, and he shouldn’t have to hold their hands after practice every day), but I still wonder if giving out a pink slip or two wouldn’t have a chilling effect on the current reefer madness.
San Diego at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
This should be a riot. The Raiders play the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, bound and determined to lose a war to the United States, played in a fit of poor casting by Norv The #$%&ing Idiot Turner and the Bolts. In order to ensure a losing campaign, they deploy their very own Tully Bascombe, one JaMarcus Russell, an NFL quarterback roughly $30 million more accomplished than I am (P. T. Barnum on in 3…2…1…). The thing is, despite the involvement of Al Davis, this is nominally real life. As big a screw-up as Norv is, the Raiders have a Commitment to Excellence. Once they set their minds to it, there is no way they can win this game.
Van: The Chargers will win again. The fat heads on t.v. will proclaim them “ready for the playoffs.” Heh. In this top-loaded AFC playoff picture, I don’t see San Diego as being any better than the fifth team overall. Honestly, I don’t even believe that they are as tough as the Redskins are, and the ‘Skins might not make the playoffs in the NFC. This team is a bad loss in the playoffs away from falling apart.
Kansas City at The Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: The Jets
What if they had an NFL game and nobody came? Nobody watched? Because you know damn well nobody cares. Already 20 too many words burned on this rot.
Van: The only people who care about this game have money riding on it. And anyone who has money riding on this game needs real help.
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Like Derek Jacoby said in Act IV of Dead Again, “I for one am v-v-very interested to see what is going to happen next.” Here is a coach in Tony Dungy who, God love him, has no idea how to end the regular season gracefully. The Colts are like the Penn Quakers – they always have everything wrapped up a month early, and then they have to…what? Find a hobby? Here is where the Tyrants find out where they are – and I think they are where the Texan are, where the Cubs are every year. Looking forward to next year.
Van: Say what you will about Dungy’s inability to land the plane safely, but the Colts might be the only team in football that could take the AFC Championship away from New England in Foxboro this season. I keep saying it and saying it, these guys are a little sick and tired of being the Super Bowl champion afterthoughts. They beat New England last season and slapped my beloved Bears silly in The Big Roman Numeral, and nobody is giving them any love this season. Peyton Manning is on the verge of his eighth (!!) 4000 yard season and all we can hear about is Tom-Brady-this-and-Derek-Anderson-that. Tennessee will need counseling after this mash-up.
Labels: beatdowns in general, Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 11:34 PM
1 Comments:
Um... Van? You know nobody likes to slap my brother around more than me, but the glaring, bleating, pulsing hypocrisy that is you calling him out for LITERARY REFERENCES? Come here, let me smack you...
Other than that... I completely forgot about football this week. For the first time all season, I didn't think about my picks. At all. Until yesterday when it struck me, as I was waiting for my BBQ order at Brothers, "Huh. I don't remember the Broncos and the Vikings. Aw, crap. I didn't make my picks."
So this is your best chance to pull out in front of me. Let the wild rumpus begin!
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