Week 15 Prognostications - Better Late Than Never...
(Ed. note - This edition of Prognostications is late because Bill is a bonehead. There is no other reason than that. He's still my "ride or die" and all that, but, well, he's also a bonehead. This is probably why I'm kicking his rear end this season.)
So that we can dispense with preliminaries, I am going to beat Van and all of that, humiliate him, scatter him to the seven seas like so much chum…whatever. I got something else on my mind.
When I anointed Bobby Petrino “The Bitch,” I did not completely commit. I should have canonized him or knighted him so that he could be “St. Bitch” or “Sir Bitch.” When The Bitch committed the ultimate unmanly act of skipping town in the middle of the night (without even having Bob Irsay’s flair and taking the entire team with him) with THREE GAMES LEFT, he branded himself forever a college coach. I have no idea what sort of moral flexibility is required to coach Division I football, but on the whole they are starting to make bible-thumping senators look positively ingenuous.
Van: You wouldn't be referring to bible-thumping senators who solicit cops in restrooms, wouldja?
Any discussion between multiple talking heads will find one of them explaining (in such a way that sounds suspiciously like defending) that anything The Bitch did to get from point A to point B – that is, lying to Arthur Blank, leaving with THREE GAMES LEFT – is simply what is done. College football coaches have managed to push the envelope so far that now it just doesn’t hold anything.
Van: The worst part isn't that he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. The worst part is HOW he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. Basically, he told the assistant coaches something like this: "Um, fellas...? I'm out. C ya." Then he snuck into the locker room and put something like a yellow Post-It on the door with a note to the same effect...at least he got the color of the Post-It right.
I am not normally a guy to start howling about the decline of Western Civilization, about how much better things were in the old days, but would you let one of these rotten, lying bastards into your home to talk to your son? Virtually every Division I-A (or whatever stupid distinction they make now) coach cheats. Always has. I am not condoning or forgiving cheating; however, there is a line to be drawn between lying and cheating for the betterment of the player/team/program/university/sometimes even state and lying and cheating for your own advancement.
Van: There are some situations where lying and cheating for your own advancement might be called upon...my sisters will all vouch that my current undefeated record at Monopoly was due in large part to my secret, interest-free loans from the bank, not to mention my uncanny ability to always hit the Free Parking lottery with dice they didn't know I'd loaded.
Furthermore, Arthur Blank (who seems like a classy and forthright guy for whom I would happily work) said that The Bitch said it had something to do with his family. The guy has had jobs in thirteen different places since 1983 – for him to try to hide behind a family that he just noticed he had makes me want to throw up. I wish DeAngelo Hall had just kicked his ass in Week Three so at least there would have been justice somewhere in the world. That’s right. I am reduced to looking to DeAngelo Hall to set the world right.
All right, I’m done. Woo pig sooie.
Van: Now that he's done ranting, you can check out my NFC picks (submitted BEFORE games started playing, by the way), right here. Because Bill is a bonehead.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Denver at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Houston
People sometimes ask me, “Hey, Bill, was the Broncos brutal mauling of the Chefs a harbinger of a pointless late-season run or is it just another mirage in this desert of a lost season?” My answer, as ever, is that I do not know. The Donkeys finally cut Sam Adams, the Ultimate Fatass, an admission too late that Jim Bates’ system took too many steps back for what last year was a very good Broncos defense. This is a good sign for the future, but the future is not now – it is net year. Most of what I saw Sunday was the Chefs’ general inability to play football on either side of the ball. Now former Shanahan protégé Gary Kubiak gets the Donkeys on a short week at Reliant Stadium and we will see. No, I have no reason to believe the Broncos will win.
Van: Denver loses this game because this is the kind of game that Denver loses, plain and simple. Moreover, it is now an undisputable fact that whatever mojo Mike Shanahan had, Gary Kubiak took it with him to South Texas because the Texans simply Do. Not. Quit. Ever. Mario Williams is making Charlie Casserly look like a genius, even though it was Casserly who foisted David Carr onto the Texans in the first place...anyhow, when the Donkeys get beat by Sage By-God Rosenfels, let me hear nothing about "find a better option" when I demand Leatherface's head, because, at this point, damn near anyone would be a better option.
Buffalo at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
When the Browns make the playoffs, Derek Anderson should get his own Rocky Balboa statue in Cleveland. And Romeo Crennel should pay for it. Actually, if Anderson throws me to a fantasy football title, I will throw the winning in. I started the year with, I am not kidding, Steve McNair, Joey Harrington and Rex Grossman as my quarterbacks, and I finished the year a respectable third in my league in passing. Here, I think they beat Buffalo easily because I also drafted Lee Evans, who has sucked almost all year.
Van: Derek Anderson is that perfect storm of hype and opportunity, but he ain't the reason why Cleveland will advance in the playoffs...at least, he's not the only reason. Lookit what I found leading the NFL in rushing for the last four weeks: Jamal Lewis! And, better yet, he's running like the Jamal Lewis who trampled the NFL a few seasons ago in Baltimore, and not the out-of-shape ex-con who couldn't get out of his own way a couple of years ago. If Lewis is well and truly back to his grill-busting style of running, these Browns will spoil someone's postseason party.
Tennessee at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Kansas City can’t play dead.
Van: And Carl Peterson's head must roll.
Baltimore at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Right up the road in Orlando, Magic GM Pat Williams once said, “We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” In the sad case of the Dolphins, they tried London, and it did not work. The Fish have played games on the two worst fields seen in the NFL in years. They lost their starting quarterback and running back and then traded their best receiver apparently out of a fear that he was next. They determined for perhaps the eleventh time in franchise history that Cleo Lemon was bad, so they put in Quarterback of the Future John Beck. Problem is, you get a pass for bad season if you use it to build for the future, but nothing will ever forgive 0-16, so Cleo’s back. Welcome back, Cleo. It just wasn’t a party without you.
Van: What is there to say here, really? Both of these teams are coming into this "game" with legendary losing streaks attached, but the fact is this: if Baltimore actually loses this game, everyone should be fired. Every last stinking one of them. Don't even fly 'em home. Make 'em hitch-hike. If Brian Billick can't muster an effort from his team against these sad sacks, it is OVER in Ballmer.
The Jets at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Only two things can stop the Patriots – a brilliantly executed game plan by a really good team or their own apathy. Somehow, I am not seeing either one at work here. Several commentator have cracked that the Patriots may try to score 100. That’s not funny. That’s a legitimate goal.
Van: I got nothin'. There is no way that Hoodie and the Blowout Fish lose to the rat bastard Man-genius. No. Way. Period.
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
If you tear an ACL, you are gone for the season. A separated shoulder buys you maybe four weeks. High ankle sprain – two or three. And if you suffer a broken ego from a monumental beatdown at the hands of those bad men from Boston, you miss the next week as well. Teams are 3-9 the week after losing to the Pats, and the worse the emasculation, the longer the recovery (see Gibbs, Joe). If Pittsburgh recovers in time, this is the must see football purist game of the year. If not, it’s just Drew and Merriman all over again.
Van: Right now, Jacksonville might be the toughest team in football. They lost Marcus Stroud but they haven't lost their sense of purpose. For that, you must look to their head coach. Jack Del Rio ain't perfect, and he occasionally makes head-scratching decisions, but no one can say that he doesn't prepare his guys or get them into the best position to win. And, I have to admit it: Fred Taylor is Fraud no more to me. This guy has been an absolute revelation for the Jags. When you consider a legitimate two-headed running attack, a ball-control QB, and a ferocious defense, the Jags are another team that will spoil someone's postseason.
Indianapolis at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Raiders are carrying four quarterbacks for reasons best known only to Al Davis, and have committed to starting absolutely anybody but JeMarcus Russell. Da Raidas are 4-9, which in the NFC would put them in the middle of the wild card chase, but in the AFC puts them a whole lot closer to the second pick in the draft. Here’s the thing – the Raiders are not bad. They mostly play hard, they have a good defense, a good running game, some decent receivers, a decent return game and, quietly, one of the five best punters in NFL history. Lane Kiffin might be a legitimate coach (and as such I apologize for all UPS jokes that I may or may not have made at points earlier in the season). BUT (that is, big but, not little but) they suffer from the great modern football palsy of poor quarterback play. Russell will obviously start for the Raiders next year, so why the people by the bay think he will get better without playing is kind of a mystery.
Van: The Colts have a tendency to play down to the level of their competition this season, but then they still win games, which means we'll probably get a lot of Joseph Addai in this one, and that ain't a bad thing. And while I'm all good with waiting for rookies to develop, what on earth are the Raiders waiting on? It's not like they are suddenly going to get all better and wind up in the playoffs...I don't know, maybe JaMarcus Russell somehow ended up in Marcus Allen's old doghouse. Al is kinda foggy these days, and when someone said JaMarcus, he heard Marcus and, well, you get the picture.
Detroit at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Detroit has lost five in a row. Furthermore, they know it. They were bad on the road even before they started their big skid, and they know that, too. The Chargers will deliver unto the Lions a mighty thrashing, one that will build the Chargers’ unearned reputation as an elite team. Go ahead and mark this down – everything is good now, but when the Chargers get crushed, and I do mean crushed, in the divisional round of the playoffs, the fans will notice that Schottenheimer did better.
Van: The only thing falling faster than the Lions are the bathing suits at a Playboy Mansion swimming party. These guys are in full-fledged Lion mode, stinking outright on the road. Their last victory was against Denver (not to rub salt in any wounds, but geez, if that wasn't enough to get Shanahan fired, nothing will ever be...). They can't run, they can't defend, they can't pass, they can't coach, they can't draft, and their uniforms suck. On the plus side, they are a lot of fun to make fun of because they are officially worse than the Bears, records notwithstanding. The only real problem with this game is that San Diego will win in a rout, and all those "experts" will really believe that this game means something. What it means is that San Diego will get to play in the playoffs...and likely face someone like Cleveland or Jacksonville. Farewell, and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladies...
So that we can dispense with preliminaries, I am going to beat Van and all of that, humiliate him, scatter him to the seven seas like so much chum…whatever. I got something else on my mind.
When I anointed Bobby Petrino “The Bitch,” I did not completely commit. I should have canonized him or knighted him so that he could be “St. Bitch” or “Sir Bitch.” When The Bitch committed the ultimate unmanly act of skipping town in the middle of the night (without even having Bob Irsay’s flair and taking the entire team with him) with THREE GAMES LEFT, he branded himself forever a college coach. I have no idea what sort of moral flexibility is required to coach Division I football, but on the whole they are starting to make bible-thumping senators look positively ingenuous.
Van: You wouldn't be referring to bible-thumping senators who solicit cops in restrooms, wouldja?
Any discussion between multiple talking heads will find one of them explaining (in such a way that sounds suspiciously like defending) that anything The Bitch did to get from point A to point B – that is, lying to Arthur Blank, leaving with THREE GAMES LEFT – is simply what is done. College football coaches have managed to push the envelope so far that now it just doesn’t hold anything.
Van: The worst part isn't that he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. The worst part is HOW he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. Basically, he told the assistant coaches something like this: "Um, fellas...? I'm out. C ya." Then he snuck into the locker room and put something like a yellow Post-It on the door with a note to the same effect...at least he got the color of the Post-It right.
I am not normally a guy to start howling about the decline of Western Civilization, about how much better things were in the old days, but would you let one of these rotten, lying bastards into your home to talk to your son? Virtually every Division I-A (or whatever stupid distinction they make now) coach cheats. Always has. I am not condoning or forgiving cheating; however, there is a line to be drawn between lying and cheating for the betterment of the player/team/program/university/sometimes even state and lying and cheating for your own advancement.
Van: There are some situations where lying and cheating for your own advancement might be called upon...my sisters will all vouch that my current undefeated record at Monopoly was due in large part to my secret, interest-free loans from the bank, not to mention my uncanny ability to always hit the Free Parking lottery with dice they didn't know I'd loaded.
Furthermore, Arthur Blank (who seems like a classy and forthright guy for whom I would happily work) said that The Bitch said it had something to do with his family. The guy has had jobs in thirteen different places since 1983 – for him to try to hide behind a family that he just noticed he had makes me want to throw up. I wish DeAngelo Hall had just kicked his ass in Week Three so at least there would have been justice somewhere in the world. That’s right. I am reduced to looking to DeAngelo Hall to set the world right.
All right, I’m done. Woo pig sooie.
Van: Now that he's done ranting, you can check out my NFC picks (submitted BEFORE games started playing, by the way), right here. Because Bill is a bonehead.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Denver at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Houston
People sometimes ask me, “Hey, Bill, was the Broncos brutal mauling of the Chefs a harbinger of a pointless late-season run or is it just another mirage in this desert of a lost season?” My answer, as ever, is that I do not know. The Donkeys finally cut Sam Adams, the Ultimate Fatass, an admission too late that Jim Bates’ system took too many steps back for what last year was a very good Broncos defense. This is a good sign for the future, but the future is not now – it is net year. Most of what I saw Sunday was the Chefs’ general inability to play football on either side of the ball. Now former Shanahan protégé Gary Kubiak gets the Donkeys on a short week at Reliant Stadium and we will see. No, I have no reason to believe the Broncos will win.
Van: Denver loses this game because this is the kind of game that Denver loses, plain and simple. Moreover, it is now an undisputable fact that whatever mojo Mike Shanahan had, Gary Kubiak took it with him to South Texas because the Texans simply Do. Not. Quit. Ever. Mario Williams is making Charlie Casserly look like a genius, even though it was Casserly who foisted David Carr onto the Texans in the first place...anyhow, when the Donkeys get beat by Sage By-God Rosenfels, let me hear nothing about "find a better option" when I demand Leatherface's head, because, at this point, damn near anyone would be a better option.
Buffalo at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
When the Browns make the playoffs, Derek Anderson should get his own Rocky Balboa statue in Cleveland. And Romeo Crennel should pay for it. Actually, if Anderson throws me to a fantasy football title, I will throw the winning in. I started the year with, I am not kidding, Steve McNair, Joey Harrington and Rex Grossman as my quarterbacks, and I finished the year a respectable third in my league in passing. Here, I think they beat Buffalo easily because I also drafted Lee Evans, who has sucked almost all year.
Van: Derek Anderson is that perfect storm of hype and opportunity, but he ain't the reason why Cleveland will advance in the playoffs...at least, he's not the only reason. Lookit what I found leading the NFL in rushing for the last four weeks: Jamal Lewis! And, better yet, he's running like the Jamal Lewis who trampled the NFL a few seasons ago in Baltimore, and not the out-of-shape ex-con who couldn't get out of his own way a couple of years ago. If Lewis is well and truly back to his grill-busting style of running, these Browns will spoil someone's postseason party.
Tennessee at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Kansas City can’t play dead.
Van: And Carl Peterson's head must roll.
Baltimore at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Right up the road in Orlando, Magic GM Pat Williams once said, “We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” In the sad case of the Dolphins, they tried London, and it did not work. The Fish have played games on the two worst fields seen in the NFL in years. They lost their starting quarterback and running back and then traded their best receiver apparently out of a fear that he was next. They determined for perhaps the eleventh time in franchise history that Cleo Lemon was bad, so they put in Quarterback of the Future John Beck. Problem is, you get a pass for bad season if you use it to build for the future, but nothing will ever forgive 0-16, so Cleo’s back. Welcome back, Cleo. It just wasn’t a party without you.
Van: What is there to say here, really? Both of these teams are coming into this "game" with legendary losing streaks attached, but the fact is this: if Baltimore actually loses this game, everyone should be fired. Every last stinking one of them. Don't even fly 'em home. Make 'em hitch-hike. If Brian Billick can't muster an effort from his team against these sad sacks, it is OVER in Ballmer.
The Jets at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Only two things can stop the Patriots – a brilliantly executed game plan by a really good team or their own apathy. Somehow, I am not seeing either one at work here. Several commentator have cracked that the Patriots may try to score 100. That’s not funny. That’s a legitimate goal.
Van: I got nothin'. There is no way that Hoodie and the Blowout Fish lose to the rat bastard Man-genius. No. Way. Period.
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
If you tear an ACL, you are gone for the season. A separated shoulder buys you maybe four weeks. High ankle sprain – two or three. And if you suffer a broken ego from a monumental beatdown at the hands of those bad men from Boston, you miss the next week as well. Teams are 3-9 the week after losing to the Pats, and the worse the emasculation, the longer the recovery (see Gibbs, Joe). If Pittsburgh recovers in time, this is the must see football purist game of the year. If not, it’s just Drew and Merriman all over again.
Van: Right now, Jacksonville might be the toughest team in football. They lost Marcus Stroud but they haven't lost their sense of purpose. For that, you must look to their head coach. Jack Del Rio ain't perfect, and he occasionally makes head-scratching decisions, but no one can say that he doesn't prepare his guys or get them into the best position to win. And, I have to admit it: Fred Taylor is Fraud no more to me. This guy has been an absolute revelation for the Jags. When you consider a legitimate two-headed running attack, a ball-control QB, and a ferocious defense, the Jags are another team that will spoil someone's postseason.
Indianapolis at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Raiders are carrying four quarterbacks for reasons best known only to Al Davis, and have committed to starting absolutely anybody but JeMarcus Russell. Da Raidas are 4-9, which in the NFC would put them in the middle of the wild card chase, but in the AFC puts them a whole lot closer to the second pick in the draft. Here’s the thing – the Raiders are not bad. They mostly play hard, they have a good defense, a good running game, some decent receivers, a decent return game and, quietly, one of the five best punters in NFL history. Lane Kiffin might be a legitimate coach (and as such I apologize for all UPS jokes that I may or may not have made at points earlier in the season). BUT (that is, big but, not little but) they suffer from the great modern football palsy of poor quarterback play. Russell will obviously start for the Raiders next year, so why the people by the bay think he will get better without playing is kind of a mystery.
Van: The Colts have a tendency to play down to the level of their competition this season, but then they still win games, which means we'll probably get a lot of Joseph Addai in this one, and that ain't a bad thing. And while I'm all good with waiting for rookies to develop, what on earth are the Raiders waiting on? It's not like they are suddenly going to get all better and wind up in the playoffs...I don't know, maybe JaMarcus Russell somehow ended up in Marcus Allen's old doghouse. Al is kinda foggy these days, and when someone said JaMarcus, he heard Marcus and, well, you get the picture.
Detroit at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Detroit has lost five in a row. Furthermore, they know it. They were bad on the road even before they started their big skid, and they know that, too. The Chargers will deliver unto the Lions a mighty thrashing, one that will build the Chargers’ unearned reputation as an elite team. Go ahead and mark this down – everything is good now, but when the Chargers get crushed, and I do mean crushed, in the divisional round of the playoffs, the fans will notice that Schottenheimer did better.
Van: The only thing falling faster than the Lions are the bathing suits at a Playboy Mansion swimming party. These guys are in full-fledged Lion mode, stinking outright on the road. Their last victory was against Denver (not to rub salt in any wounds, but geez, if that wasn't enough to get Shanahan fired, nothing will ever be...). They can't run, they can't defend, they can't pass, they can't coach, they can't draft, and their uniforms suck. On the plus side, they are a lot of fun to make fun of because they are officially worse than the Bears, records notwithstanding. The only real problem with this game is that San Diego will win in a rout, and all those "experts" will really believe that this game means something. What it means is that San Diego will get to play in the playoffs...and likely face someone like Cleveland or Jacksonville. Farewell, and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladies...
Labels: beatdowns in general, Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 8:33 PM
1 Comments:
I must admit, I won the Derek Anderson lottery in my league. Early to bed, early to rise, and all that. I also was forced to draft Jamal Lewis as my second RB, because he was the only starter left available.
Sometimes you look like a genius, and sometimes you are. Frankly, it's easier to look the part.
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