Quick Slants - Week 10

This just in - Peyton Manning has thrown another interception.

Brian Billick was unable to enter his house after losing to Cincinnati this past Sunday. It seems that some practical joker had painted end zones in front of every door and window of his house.

Seriously, how bad are the Ravens?

With two minutes to go..IN THE GAME...they were down 21 to the THIRTY-WORST, er, 31st defense in all of football.

Please, someone, anyone, tell me again why Brian Billick is regarded as an offensive guru.

Speaking of offending, er, offensive gurus, Peyton Manning threw SIX, count 'em, SIX INTERCEPTIONS...and it took an act of God (a/k/a Adam Vinatieri missing a game-winning field goal from damn near extra point range) for San Diego to escape with a victory.

So, you're Norv The Idiot Turner. You have arguably the Greatest Running Back In History on your roster. You certainly have the Greatest Tight End in History on your roster. Marty-By God-Schottenheimer, noted Anti-Disciple of Sid Luckman, had this team scoring in bushels last season. You have the Colts in your house. Peyton-By God-Manning GIVES you the football SIX TIMES.

And you scored how many on purpose?

'Scuse me? I didn't catch that. How's that again?

ONE offensive touchdown?

Maybe God ain't a Bears fan, but if Rex Grossman throws a Pick Six, Da Bears take a beat down on the sunny side of 50 points.

That's like walking into ZZ Top's little house outside of LaGrange with a paycheck and a 2-for-1 coupon and walking out with a handshake. Period.

For ineptitude that borders upon the historic, I shall no longer call Norv Turner "The Idiot."

I shall, henceforth, refer to him as Norv "Al Gore" Turner.

Name a bigger loser who should have been a bigger winner with what he was left with, and I'll change his name immediately. But until then, shut the hell up. Bill Clinton left Al Gore with low employment, low gas prices, and moderately friendly allies. Marty Schottenheimer left Norv Turner a quarterback on the rise, a defense that liked to hurt people, and Arguably The Greatest Running Back In History.

Now? If it weren't for term limits, we'd likely be at war with half the world.

And if it weren't for a shanked field goal from a guy that you bet the kid's heart transplant on, the Chargers lose a game that God gift-wrapped for them.

In other news, yes, faithful reader (all two of you, bless you), the Chicago Bears beat the lowly Oakland Raiders. And yes, faithful reader, Rex His Own Self Grossman came off the bench in the place of an injured Brian Griese to lead the Blue-and-Orange to victory.

Paraphrasing Jay Mariotti, this is like a booty call from your ex at 3 a.m.

In other words, DON'T DO IT.

For anyone keeping track, and there are a LOT of people who are, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman came into the league at the same time.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't Tony Romo.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't gonna be Tony Romo any time soon, neither.

So, for all of that "quarterback controversy" brewing in Chicago, sit down and have a triple-skinny Brazilian. We already know what happens when Grossman drives. We already know what happens when Orton drives.

As soon as the Hall-Of-Famer's kid is healthy, we're gonna let him drive just because it'll be different.

Maybe it's just me, but I believe the following:

I believe that Cleveland would win the NFC outright.

I believe that nobody will win the NFC West.

I believe that no team from the AFC West should make the playoffs, regardless of record.

I believe that everybody in the AFC South should go to the playoffs, period, division winners and wild cards be damned. That is the Pool of Death in the NFL, and the eventual winner of that mosh pit will be far too scarred to advance deeply into the playoffs under the current format.

I believe that the Lions will finish 6-10. (My goodness, how do you "pile up" NEGATIVE 18 YARDS against the league's 21st-ranked defense in Arizona?) Think I'm being overly negative? They finish up like this: Giants, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Chargers, Chiefs, Packers.

I believe that Mike Shanahan should be fired, even though the Broncos beat a somnambulent Chiefs team last weekend.

And I believe that The Chin, Bill Cowher, is the man to replace him. (Do I get a point now, Marin? I think so.)

I believe that The Chin is exactly the coach for young Jay Cutler. Unlike Leatherface, who inherited a Hall-of-Famer, The Chin took a guy out of nowhere (Miami of Ohio? Seriously?) and made him a Super Bowl winner.

I believe that The Chin knows how to coach up a defense.

I believe that Champ Baily might name his next child "Cowher" upon The Chin's hiring.

I believe that I'll have whatever Brett Favre's having...and you can make it a double. If steroids do that for an old man, sign me up right friggin' now.

I believe that Pittsburgh just overtook Indianapolis for 1a to the Patriots' 1.

I believe that Cleveland would be 19 games up on anyone in the AFC West right now.

I believe that whoever wins the NFC South should be ashamed of themselves.

I believe that Lovie Smith should get an extension if this season's Bears finish 8-8.

I believe that I would pay green, folding cash to watch Darren Sproles, Leon Washington, Joshua Cribbs, and Devin Hester run the 100 meters through a mine field.

I believe that none of them would get as much as a scratch.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Buffalo as long as Man-Child Marshawn Lynch is carrying the mail...and I believe that Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt believes the same thing.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Chicago because Charmin Tissue Benson is the running back...which equals 9 men in the box, all of whom are completely indifferent to his presence.

I believe that I would love to spend an hour as Tony Romo...as long as that hour is on a Friday night.

I believe that Brady Quinn will assassinate agent Tom Condon if the Browns make the playoffs behind Derek Anderson.

I believe that the Patriots got another 'W' on their bye week when Don Shula ran his rickety-rackety mouth off about asterisks. Lest we forget, the author of the only perfect season in NFL history had a similar penalty levied against him in 1970 when he was building that juggernaut in southern Florida...seems he was tampering with players that belonged to other teams, and he lost a first round pick as a result.

Didn't hurt that '72 squad much, did it?

I'm thinking that next year's first round pick won't hurt this season's eventual Super Bowl winner...but maybe it's just me.

Especially since Scott Pioli practically stole San Francisco's first round pick...see, this is how good the Pats really are. They get busted for videotaping signals because they're inept, not because they're original. They lose a first round pick that they likely would have traded anyway because current first rounders in the top ten are getting like $30 Million Guaranteed before they play a down of real football. They still have San Francisco's first round pick...and the Niners look for all the world like a team picking in the top 5.

And remember, death is not an option: The Patriots trading out of that slot for a lot of picks later, or the Patriots turning a late round pick into an All-Pro, or the Patriots taking a ridiculously-talented malcontent and turning him into a model citizen for a Super Bowl run?

I believe that there are a lot of NFL head coaching jobs up for grabs right now.

I believe that the two most attractive are: St. Louis and Cincinnati.

Both teams have their quarterback in place.

Romeo Crennel got lucky and he knows it. Had he waited to develop Brady Quinn (see: Mike Nolan in San Francisco), he'd be coaching at San Jacinto JC next season.

Marc Bulger was hurt and everyone knows it. The problem for Scott Linehan is that he couldn't hold things together long enough until Bulger got healthy...thus Linehan's head is on the chopping block.

As far as Marvin Lewis goes, I have four words: Lack Of Institutional Control. The inmates ran the asylum in Cincy, and everyone knew it. The Bengals officially 'jumped the shark' when Chad Johnson showed up in a game uniform that had "Ocho Cinco" instead of his name on the back.

That might sell a lot of jerseys on the concourse, but it sets a baaaad precedent for a coach trying to get 52 guys on the same sheet of music.

Whoever gets Carson Palmer will get the most underrated quarterback of his or any generation. If Palmer was in New England, he'd have at least as many rings as Tom Brady right now, and I double-dog dare anyone to prove me otherwise. The next coach of the Bengals is going to look like a combination of Paul Brown and Forrest Gregg.

Finally, I believe and fervently hope that this is as dinged as we will ever see for Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. This guy is Barry Sanders-exciting, and that's saying something.

...and I'm OUT like Dwight Freeney...