Quick Slants - Stuff To Be Thankful For

I am personally thankful for each and every one of the following:

That my name isn’t Barry Bonds or Michael Vick.

That I’m nowhere near a retail outlet of any sort on the day after Thanksgiving.

That I’m not in charge of spinning Nick Saban’s latest verbal gaffe.

That, of all the names that will be published in George Mitchell’s report on steroids in baseball, mine won’t be one of them.

That I’m not a member of the Philadelphia Eagles and traveling to Foxboro this weekend.

That I’m not Isaiah Thomas.

That it ain’t me getting blowed up by Mo-Jo Drew on Youtube.

That I’m not Scott Boras.

That I’m not Stephon Marbury.

That I’m not the guy who signed Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson to big money contract extensions.

That I’m not the guy who gave Ahman Green a big ol’ pile of cash.

That I’m not the head coach of the worst Notre Dame football team in school history.

That I’m not Lloyd Carr.

That I’ll only get about a billion fewer questions about coaching at Michigan than Les Miles will.

That I have never driven to Wendy’s naked and drunk.

That I don’t have 9 different children by 9 different women.

That I’m not about to serve a 4 game suspension for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated to the worst team in history after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not the guy paying A-Rod $275 million over the next 10 years.

That I’m not a Bulls season ticket holder.

That I’m not the guy who had to set the largest point spread in NFL history and get his bosses to sign off on it.

That I’m not the guy who signed off on the largest point spread in NFL history.

That I don’t own the Vikings, Adrian Peterson notwithstanding.

That I don’t own the Supersonics, Kevin Durant notwithstanding.

That I’m not a Steinbrenner heir...as far as I know...

That I’m not the guy who has to revise all those Elias Baseball Abstracts when Barry Bonds does a perp walk and gets the Kennesaw Mountain Landis boot.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig. (Trust me, it bore repeating.)

That our next president will not be a woman.

That I don’t live in Los Angeles, the second-largest market in the U.S., and no pro football team to speak of, U.S.C. notwithstanding.

That I don’t have to share a locker room with Kobe Bryant.

That I haven’t won the Tour De France in the last decade.

That I haven’t won a gold medal in the Olympics in anything in the last two decades.

That I’m not the damn near unintelligible NFL analyst Emmitt Smith, an alleged Florida graduate.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for putting the NHL into WitSec with The Erasernator.

That I don’t live in a state that has twice elected actors (!!) as Republican governors.

That I don’t hang out with Pac-Man Jones, not even on accident.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the abortion otherwise known as “D-War.”

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the crowd noise in Indianapolis.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for releasing “Grindhouse” on Easter Weekend...I mean, really...

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the Homeland Security Department (gee, thanks a bunch, Dubya...idiot).

That I’m not the Republican that will lose by 48 states in the next presidential election.

That I’m not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted the U.S.’s most dangerous city...

That I'm not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted as the U.S.'s second-most dangerous city, after, of course, Detroit.

That I'm not looking for a house, a car, or a job in Detroit.

That this isn’t a political column.

Sometimes.

That I’m not the guy who has to live with banning alcohol on team flights and sponsorships from Anheuser-Busch and Miller...not that there’s a conflict of interest or anything, I’m just sayin’...

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder. (See Selig, Bud.)

That NASCAR will never overtake MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) in the public eye, because if there’s one thing that rednecks love more than pro wrestling and flaming car wrecks, it’s genuine and bloody whupass on pay-per-view.

And finally, that for all of my carping, sports remain a refuge in a vast sea of entertainment “meh” because I remain fully convinced that at least some of the people are trying some of the time.

Don’t believe me? Just ask that helmet-shaped bruise in the middle of Shawne Merriman’s rib cage...heh heh heh...

Quick Slants - Week 10

This just in - Peyton Manning has thrown another interception.

Brian Billick was unable to enter his house after losing to Cincinnati this past Sunday. It seems that some practical joker had painted end zones in front of every door and window of his house.

Seriously, how bad are the Ravens?

With two minutes to go..IN THE GAME...they were down 21 to the THIRTY-WORST, er, 31st defense in all of football.

Please, someone, anyone, tell me again why Brian Billick is regarded as an offensive guru.

Speaking of offending, er, offensive gurus, Peyton Manning threw SIX, count 'em, SIX INTERCEPTIONS...and it took an act of God (a/k/a Adam Vinatieri missing a game-winning field goal from damn near extra point range) for San Diego to escape with a victory.

So, you're Norv The Idiot Turner. You have arguably the Greatest Running Back In History on your roster. You certainly have the Greatest Tight End in History on your roster. Marty-By God-Schottenheimer, noted Anti-Disciple of Sid Luckman, had this team scoring in bushels last season. You have the Colts in your house. Peyton-By God-Manning GIVES you the football SIX TIMES.

And you scored how many on purpose?

'Scuse me? I didn't catch that. How's that again?

ONE offensive touchdown?

Maybe God ain't a Bears fan, but if Rex Grossman throws a Pick Six, Da Bears take a beat down on the sunny side of 50 points.

That's like walking into ZZ Top's little house outside of LaGrange with a paycheck and a 2-for-1 coupon and walking out with a handshake. Period.

For ineptitude that borders upon the historic, I shall no longer call Norv Turner "The Idiot."

I shall, henceforth, refer to him as Norv "Al Gore" Turner.

Name a bigger loser who should have been a bigger winner with what he was left with, and I'll change his name immediately. But until then, shut the hell up. Bill Clinton left Al Gore with low employment, low gas prices, and moderately friendly allies. Marty Schottenheimer left Norv Turner a quarterback on the rise, a defense that liked to hurt people, and Arguably The Greatest Running Back In History.

Now? If it weren't for term limits, we'd likely be at war with half the world.

And if it weren't for a shanked field goal from a guy that you bet the kid's heart transplant on, the Chargers lose a game that God gift-wrapped for them.

In other news, yes, faithful reader (all two of you, bless you), the Chicago Bears beat the lowly Oakland Raiders. And yes, faithful reader, Rex His Own Self Grossman came off the bench in the place of an injured Brian Griese to lead the Blue-and-Orange to victory.

Paraphrasing Jay Mariotti, this is like a booty call from your ex at 3 a.m.

In other words, DON'T DO IT.

For anyone keeping track, and there are a LOT of people who are, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman came into the league at the same time.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't Tony Romo.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't gonna be Tony Romo any time soon, neither.

So, for all of that "quarterback controversy" brewing in Chicago, sit down and have a triple-skinny Brazilian. We already know what happens when Grossman drives. We already know what happens when Orton drives.

As soon as the Hall-Of-Famer's kid is healthy, we're gonna let him drive just because it'll be different.

Maybe it's just me, but I believe the following:

I believe that Cleveland would win the NFC outright.

I believe that nobody will win the NFC West.

I believe that no team from the AFC West should make the playoffs, regardless of record.

I believe that everybody in the AFC South should go to the playoffs, period, division winners and wild cards be damned. That is the Pool of Death in the NFL, and the eventual winner of that mosh pit will be far too scarred to advance deeply into the playoffs under the current format.

I believe that the Lions will finish 6-10. (My goodness, how do you "pile up" NEGATIVE 18 YARDS against the league's 21st-ranked defense in Arizona?) Think I'm being overly negative? They finish up like this: Giants, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Chargers, Chiefs, Packers.

I believe that Mike Shanahan should be fired, even though the Broncos beat a somnambulent Chiefs team last weekend.

And I believe that The Chin, Bill Cowher, is the man to replace him. (Do I get a point now, Marin? I think so.)

I believe that The Chin is exactly the coach for young Jay Cutler. Unlike Leatherface, who inherited a Hall-of-Famer, The Chin took a guy out of nowhere (Miami of Ohio? Seriously?) and made him a Super Bowl winner.

I believe that The Chin knows how to coach up a defense.

I believe that Champ Baily might name his next child "Cowher" upon The Chin's hiring.

I believe that I'll have whatever Brett Favre's having...and you can make it a double. If steroids do that for an old man, sign me up right friggin' now.

I believe that Pittsburgh just overtook Indianapolis for 1a to the Patriots' 1.

I believe that Cleveland would be 19 games up on anyone in the AFC West right now.

I believe that whoever wins the NFC South should be ashamed of themselves.

I believe that Lovie Smith should get an extension if this season's Bears finish 8-8.

I believe that I would pay green, folding cash to watch Darren Sproles, Leon Washington, Joshua Cribbs, and Devin Hester run the 100 meters through a mine field.

I believe that none of them would get as much as a scratch.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Buffalo as long as Man-Child Marshawn Lynch is carrying the mail...and I believe that Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt believes the same thing.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Chicago because Charmin Tissue Benson is the running back...which equals 9 men in the box, all of whom are completely indifferent to his presence.

I believe that I would love to spend an hour as Tony Romo...as long as that hour is on a Friday night.

I believe that Brady Quinn will assassinate agent Tom Condon if the Browns make the playoffs behind Derek Anderson.

I believe that the Patriots got another 'W' on their bye week when Don Shula ran his rickety-rackety mouth off about asterisks. Lest we forget, the author of the only perfect season in NFL history had a similar penalty levied against him in 1970 when he was building that juggernaut in southern Florida...seems he was tampering with players that belonged to other teams, and he lost a first round pick as a result.

Didn't hurt that '72 squad much, did it?

I'm thinking that next year's first round pick won't hurt this season's eventual Super Bowl winner...but maybe it's just me.

Especially since Scott Pioli practically stole San Francisco's first round pick...see, this is how good the Pats really are. They get busted for videotaping signals because they're inept, not because they're original. They lose a first round pick that they likely would have traded anyway because current first rounders in the top ten are getting like $30 Million Guaranteed before they play a down of real football. They still have San Francisco's first round pick...and the Niners look for all the world like a team picking in the top 5.

And remember, death is not an option: The Patriots trading out of that slot for a lot of picks later, or the Patriots turning a late round pick into an All-Pro, or the Patriots taking a ridiculously-talented malcontent and turning him into a model citizen for a Super Bowl run?

I believe that there are a lot of NFL head coaching jobs up for grabs right now.

I believe that the two most attractive are: St. Louis and Cincinnati.

Both teams have their quarterback in place.

Romeo Crennel got lucky and he knows it. Had he waited to develop Brady Quinn (see: Mike Nolan in San Francisco), he'd be coaching at San Jacinto JC next season.

Marc Bulger was hurt and everyone knows it. The problem for Scott Linehan is that he couldn't hold things together long enough until Bulger got healthy...thus Linehan's head is on the chopping block.

As far as Marvin Lewis goes, I have four words: Lack Of Institutional Control. The inmates ran the asylum in Cincy, and everyone knew it. The Bengals officially 'jumped the shark' when Chad Johnson showed up in a game uniform that had "Ocho Cinco" instead of his name on the back.

That might sell a lot of jerseys on the concourse, but it sets a baaaad precedent for a coach trying to get 52 guys on the same sheet of music.

Whoever gets Carson Palmer will get the most underrated quarterback of his or any generation. If Palmer was in New England, he'd have at least as many rings as Tom Brady right now, and I double-dog dare anyone to prove me otherwise. The next coach of the Bengals is going to look like a combination of Paul Brown and Forrest Gregg.

Finally, I believe and fervently hope that this is as dinged as we will ever see for Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. This guy is Barry Sanders-exciting, and that's saying something.

...and I'm OUT like Dwight Freeney...

Quick Slants - Week 9

This just in – Adrian Peterson has scored again for Minnesota…

So, really: how stupid is Norv The Idiot Turner?

Was he not watching Boo Boo The Fool Childress learn from past mistakes?

Did he not see Adrian Peterson (excuse me, he just ran past me as I was writing this) rush for an NFL RECORD?

Does he not have LAST SEASON’S CONSENSUS MVP on his sideline? You may have heard of him…some kid named Tomlinson?

And, since I’m asking rhetorical questions, is it just me or did Philip Rivers regress significantly this season? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the change in coaches, would it?

The scary thing is this: have the Chargers overachieved with Norv The Idiot Turner thus far into the season?

Okay, enough with the rhetorical questions…time for the rhetoric.

This just in – Jamal Lewis just scored again for Cleveland…

Talk about your team of Almost Destiny.

If it weren’t for the supernova exploding in Indianapolis, we might think that the Cleveland Browns are the story of the year.

There were lots of culprits leaving fingerprints at Browns Stadium yesterday, which is making my friend The Dawgpound one of the delirious faithful in central Ohio. There was Jamal Lewis, bulling his way into the end zone four times. There was Kellen Winslow Jr., living up to the family name and family business instead of crumbling beneath it (oops…would someone get Brian Griese some ice?). There was Derek Anderson, every gutsy call, every accurate throw, every ounce of leadership making the Browns’ braintrust look stupid and stupider for not having given this guy a chance years ago.

And yes, there was Brady Quinn, silently gnawing his liver beneath the bench during the pandemonium of the Browns’ comeback.

This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.

Really.

NOW.

All you need to know about the utter bondage house beating that the Broncos took was video of Shaun Rogers, all 350 pounds of him, taking an interception 66 yards (!!) for a touchdown, and he looked like he was carrying a piano for 65 of those yards.

It’s not bad enough that the Broncos were down 44-0 with three minutes to play. It’s not bad enough that the Lions looked like the tougher, better prepared team all day. But when no one on your offense can outrun the fattest kid on the field, that speaks to lack of heart, not lack of ability.

The simple fact is that the Broncos quit. That goes straight to the head coach.

This team has regressed so significantly, one wonders if they won’t slide through the rest of their schedule with maybe one more win for the season. Maybe.

Shanahan has got to go, now.

Candidates for Best Team Not Named Patriots Or Colts: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Baltimore Ravens came into Monday night’s game talking tough. The Steelers, led by Bill Bryan’s All-Loincloth head coach Mike Tomlin, showed them what tough really is.

Let’s sum it up this way: Hines Ward destroyed Ed Reed. Destroyed him. It looked like an Adam Sandler clip from “The Waterboy.”

Now, this is not to take anything away from Ward, perennially one of the toughest receivers in the league. But Ed Reed? Ward didn’t just blow up the third-stringer; he blew up an All-Pro who usually does the blowing up.

I don’t know if the Steelers have moved into 1a territory with the Colts, but it pretty much assures them of being all by themselves at Number 2.

Whenever I look at Buffalo’s Marshawn Lynch, I hear Muddy Waters singing “Mannish Boy.”

Watching the Eagles is just too painful for me, because I can’t look at them without simultaneously thinking about Andy Reid’s domestic problems…and wondering why he’s still wearing a headset when he should be at home raising his kids properly.

The fact that his distractions are taking the Eagles down the tubes with him is secondary to the fact that he’s 0-fer-2 with his first two kids…and that he doesn’t seem overly concerned that there are 3 others likely to follow as long as he’s more concerned with perfecting “65-Toss-Power-Trap.”

Last season, Vince Young looked so much better than Reggie Bush, there was a suggestion that the Titans got the steal of the draft. For the early part of this season, Bush looked like a bust.

For the last four games, Reggie Bush has looked better than any time in his running back life. See, it’s one thing to do it in high school. It’s another thing to do it for USC in the PAC-10 (which usually has four or five weak sisters in the conference). It’s entirely another thing to do it in the NFL, and I have to admit that he’s doing it to death (thanks, James Brown).

And whoever woke Drew Brees and Marques Colston up should get a raise, because that person just saved the Saints’ season.

New Orleans was dead. Autopsied. Buried. When they lost Deuce McAllister, I had written them off for the rest of the year.

But the resiliency they have shown has finally made me a believer. The way they’ve been beating the stink off their opponents in this four game run has convinced me that they are back to being who they were last season.

Now, if only whatever they are drinking could be shipped to Chicago…(sigh)

For the love of all that is good and right in this world, will someone PLEASE get David Carr out of the NFL before he has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life?

Seriously, one more sack and you can put this guy right next to the cantaloupes in the fresh produce section.

And speaking of sorry quarterbacking, you just gotta love this one. So, Boo Boo The Fool Childress scorns Jeff Georges’ overtures, saying basically that the guy’s career was over. A couple of days later, he brings in Chris Weinke Dinky Dog for a workout…apparently, Sammy Baugh wasn’t available because he’s, ya know, dead. THEN, Boo Boo The Fool signs…

…wait for it…

…Koy Detmer.

This should tell you why Adrian Peterson, the league’s leading rusher and holder of the single-game rushing record, is still listed number 2 on the depth chart.

Best NFC Team Not Named Cowboys or Giants: The Green Bay Packers.

Once again, Brett Favre struck like lightning in the fourth quarter and stunned an opponent on the road. Once again, the Packers come away with a tough, well-earned road victory. They are as real as real gets, and they might be able to beat either Dallas or New York.

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: The Thanksgiving Day tilt between Detroit and Green Bay will actually be meaningful. Very meaningful. Really, who saw that one coming?

Okay, okay, I was getting to It…

You know…The Greatest Game Ever.

There is no truth to the rumor that DNA testing has confirmed that Tom Brady is Joe Montana’s clone…but video evidence at hand is pretty convincing.

Down 10 in the fourth quarter in an artificially-loud stadium (more on that in a minute), Tom Terrific authored two drives for the ages against their only real competition this season.

Never mind all that happened before those two drives, including Tony Dungy’s head-scratching decision to go away from Joseph Addai (I mean, Addai was killing New England single-handedly in the first half), because the fact is that Indianapolis was still winning the game comfortably before Tom Brady and his teammates reasserted themselves.

And speaking of reasserting himself, how about Mr. Maligned, Randy Moss? Anyone questioning his toughness should be forced to watch video of Moss fearlessly going over the middle of the Colts defense to make a one-handed catch as pretty as anything Willie Mays ever hauled in.

But, uh, wasn’t that a loud game? Too loud, perhaps?

As noted by the good people at ProFootballTalk.com, and as heard by my own two ears, the crowd noise at the game…uh…skipped.

The evidence is out there. PFT even has the audio of the clip on their site, and you can hear it as clearly as I can. The crowd noise skipped, then suddenly cut off.

Perhaps the most telling thing to me is the speed with which CBS Sports rushed to take the blame, saying that it was an internal thing and nothing that the Colts were doing to disrupt the Patriots while on offense.

Uh...yeah.

There are two major problems with this. One is that I don’t need the network adding crowd noise to the feed to increase the drama. Games supply their own drama, or they don’t. When Green Bay and Kansas City were mud-wrestling in the fourth quarter, no additional drama was necessary. When Pittsburgh was bludgeoning Baltimore, no amount of additional crowd noise was going to make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear. When I want drama, I’ll watch CSI. Leave my football alone.

The other major problem is that, despite CBS’ rush to take the blame, two credible sources (Dennis Green’s son and a security guard at the game in Indy) have stepped up and said what we all suspect: that home teams pump up the crowd noise artificially to distract the visitors.

I’m sorry, but that’s cheating. It’s just as bad as videotaping defensive signals during the game, or defensive lineman yelling “Hut! Hut!”

One last thing: who woke Don Shula up?

No, really, there’s nothing self-serving at all about his whining that the Patriots should get an asterisk on their record if they go undefeated this season.

No, really, there’s no conflict of interest at all when the coach of the only undefeated team in NFL history is already kicking dirt on the best challenge to his legacy in recent memory.

No, really, he and the rest of his grumpy old men in Florida don’t look like curmudgeonly rat-bastards whenever someone goes undefeated deep into the regular season, only to their plaintive cries of “What about us?”

We get it. You didn’t lose any games for a whole year. We’re all happy for you. Now shut the hell up and let us enjoy the Patriots this season.

And here’s hoping that the corks stay in the bottles.

Quick Slants - Week 8: The BIG Game, Part 3

This is actually in response to a good comment, and it seemed worthy of a little attention, so bear with me.

How, exactly, in this day and age of free agency and salary caps, do the Patriots and the Colts maintain their endless annual dominance?

After all, we remember what happened to the San Francisco 49ers. The DeBartolos tried every dirty trick in the book to circumvent the cap, only to drive the franchise off the road in the process. As a result, the Niners haven't mattered since T.O. was openly questioning Jeff Garcia's sexual preferences some years ago.

It seems like there's a new "worst-to-first" story in the NFL every season; last year, it was the Saints. This season, the Browns seem to be similarly blessed. And, every year, some formerly good-to-great team suddenly becomes schedule fodder (and we'd like to say hi to the readers in Cincinnati and Chicago, both of whom have bantha poodoo for football franchises).

Still, it seems that the Colts and the Patriots continue to dominate where other teams wax and wane. Hindsight being what it is, let's see if we can figure it out, and then sell it to the other 30 teams in the league.

1. It starts with the head coach. The Colts have been relatively stable since bringing Tony Dungy on board. The Patriots have become a model franchise under Bill Belichick's leadership. Both teams seem to reflect the character of their coaches, perhaps more so than any other teams in the league right now.

1a. It helped that the coaches walked into environments that were quickly conducive to their coaching strategies. Tony Dungy inherited a team with the great Peyton Manning already on board, and it took a relatively short honeymoon for Manning to buy in. Once Manning was in, everyone else bought in. In Belichick's case, there were already a core of solid veterans like Troy Brown in place, good soldiers who just wanted to win. Tom Brady was also already in place, just waiting for Drew Bledsoe to eventually break something. This leads us to...

2. It doesn't hurt to have Hall-Of-Famers at quarterback. There may be no position in football more bedeviling than QB. Current Bears QB Brian Griese is a great example of this. The guy had exactly one lights-out season in Denver, and has stunk ever since. Don Majkowski caught lightning in a bottle for a hot minute, and then couldn't catch a cold. Quarterbacks who are merely good for a long time are a rarity; guys like Brian Sipe or Danny White or Kenny Anderson would be jillionaires in today's current climate. As stated earlier, Dungy inherited Manning and Belichick inherited/unearthed Tom Brady. Right now, Manning is the Colts' franchise leader for TD passes, surpassing some guy named Unitas, and Tom Brady already owns three Super Bowl rings while doing his best Joe Montana impressions with time running out and the game on the line. Both men are extraordinary leaders with strong and accurate arms. They are patient and will wait for a mistake; they are the Anti-Favres of their generation. They are durable; neither coach has had to find out how good the clipboard carrier really is. And they both have Lombardi hardware on their resumes.

3. Their personnel men are the best in the business. Bill Polian is the modern version of Tex Schramm/Gil Brandt all rolled into one. The man has taken two different franchises to the Super Bowl. You might remember his first one, the starcrossed Bills that went to 4 straight Super Bowls in the '90s, only to lose all four. His second franchise, the Carolina Panthers, went to the NFC title game in their second season of existence. His third, the Colts, are one of the finest teams in the NFL, with their own newly-minted title on display at team headquarers. For the Patriots, personnel man Scott Pioli forms a great tandem with head coach Bill Belichick, and that is so much more vital than we can imagine. There's a reason why so many head coaches also want to be GMs, because they know in their mind what kind of player to get for their scheme. The problem is figuring out the money end and all that paper-pusher stuff that coaches aren't cut out for. Pioli is the executive version of Belichick. He thinks like him, agrees with him, and brings enough credibility that he can respectfully dispute a player with Belichick and win.

4. Both teams have genuine depth on their depth charts. Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris are currently listed as the number 2 and 3 running backs in New England, and both could start in Chicago right now. Kenton Keith is the number 2 in Indianapolis, and he too could start in Chicago right now. When they replace a player for injury, they rightly expect the understudy to do the job that the starter was doing. This is so crucial to their overall success. It means that the coaches and GMs in question have to be able to identify genuine talent, AND then keeping that talent happy behind a similarly-skilled starter. The backups on both teams don't just stand around; they all get regular game action and are all involved in the game plan. Thus, the Colts can rely upon Anthony Gonzalez when Marvin Harrison goes down, or the Patriots can survive the loss of a Richard Seymour for half of the season.

5. Neither team has overpayed for the wrong guy. This has a lot to do with point number 4. Because of that depth, because of their ability to identify players who fit the mold, both teams can afford to buck the market and let starters go through free agency. Basically, the selling point is this: you can stay with us for less and win, or you can break the bank with a loser. Someone might want to ask Edgerrin James and Deion Branch how free agency worked out for them; sure, they both got paid, but they may never play for a winner again...and no amount of money will make getting beat every week feel good. The Colts lost a lot of guys from their championship defense last season, and the result is that they are actually better now than last season. Meanwhile, some of the guys they lost (Cato June, Nick Harper, we're talking to you) are on some baaaad teams and making Polian look like a genius for letting them walk.

6. Finally, because they can find and sign their guy for less than premium market value, they have players that they are certain will fit into their scheme of doing things. This leads to simple execution. They continue to win because they continue to do the things that lead to winning regularly. They execute.

Because of this, both teams are fun to watch.

Again, I can't wait!

Quick Slants - Week 8, Part 1: The BIG Game

Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way first: the Super Bowl will be played Sunday in Indianapolis.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, New England and Indianapolis have gone unscathed through the season. Given the way both teams have played, their meeting this weekend might be the only legitimate reason (barring unforeseen injury) that we won't have two teams go undefeated.

As Cris Collinsworth of HBO notes, the winner of the game will basically be two games up on the loser for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Even should the winner lose one game, the winner would own the tie-breaker by virtue of victory this weekend. Thus, the winner would have to lose two games to lose home field advantage.

Does that seem a tad unlikely to anyone else?

Are we really prepared to believe that either Indianapolis or New England will lose two games the rest of the way?

The Colts have more than answered any questions about the allegedly depleted defense. This unit is superior to the one that took them to the Super Bowl last season...and let's not forget that last season's unit was at or near the bottom of league rankings. From one point of view, it might seem difficult for someone that bad last season to get that much worse this season (the Miami Dolphins excepted), but this Colts defense isn't just a little bit better. It's a LOT better.

It's so much better that we'd be talking dynasty in Indy, what with the offense continuing to do what it has done ever since Peyton Manning took over...

...except that there is already a dynasty in New England.

And they are taking no prisoners.

If the Colts were impressive in their business-like dismissal of Carolina, the Patriots were absolutely breath-taking in their complete dismantling of the Washington Redskins.

It is rare to see a professional team beat another professional team the way that college powerhouses regularly pummel schedule-fodder, but that's what it looked like on Sunday. The Patriots looked like the old Steve Spurrier Gators running up the score against Mother Theresa Community College.

There simply aren't enough adjectives left after their 8-game blitz of everyone in sight. As Peter King of Sports Illustrated points out, no team in the history of the game has opened the season with 8 straight games of 34 or more points. Tom Brady has already surpassed his career-high for touchdown passes in a single season. The defense has been spectacular, and that without all-world defensive end Richard Seymour for most of the early season. Randy Moss is back to making highlight-reel catches on a routine basis, and he's arguably not the best receiver on the team. Wes Welker has been a revelation, and he doesn't look any faster or stronger now than when he was on a miserable Dolphin team last season (ask him for perspective on both teams, and you might have to listen to him giggle incessantly for about 30 minutes before he can give you a coherent answer...). Donte Stallworth is actually playing up to his considerable potential, giving the Patriots two legitimate game-breakers at WR, something only the Colts and the Arizona Cardinals could say for a long time.

And they aren't just beating teams. They are walking through them like there is no opposition whatsoever.

(By the way, ProFootballTalk's Mike Florio has a little blurb about Redskins linebacker Randall Godfrey complaining that the Pats showed no class by running up the score. To which I say: Shut. The. Hell. Up. If you don't like the Patriots scoring so much, well, stop them. It's not their job to ease up on you. It's your job to keep them out of the end zone. If you don't like running backs getting touchdowns, tackle them. If you don't like quarterbacks throwing the ball deep in the fourth quarter, sack them. The only time a game is won is when the final gun sounds and one team has more points than the other team. Just last weekend, Sage Rosenfels led his wounded Houston team to 29 points in the fourth quarter; they were winning a game they had lost until Rob Bironas kicked his NFL-record eighth field goal for Tennessee. The only reason your team didn't duplicate Houston's feat is because you quit playing, not because the Patriots are a bunch of blue meanies. If the Patriots offense scored 52 points, it's because the Redskins defense let them. Butch up, tackle someone, and shut up.)

Make no mistake: the Patriots are as real as real gets.

And, thank God, so are the Colts.

This game is the Ali-Frazier of our generation, but without the political ramifications. It is Houston-UCLA. It is Affirmed-Alydar. Hell, if that whole space-time continuum thingy weren't such a bother, it would be Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods tied for the lead on Sunday at Augusta.

Both teams are utterly professional. Both coaches are utterly prepared. Both quarterbacks are Hall-of-Famers right now. Both offenses are prolific. Both defenses are disciplined, if not occasionally savage.

If ever a game was threatened to be drowned by hype, this is that game, but these two teams will not be caught up in the wash. They will do their jobs, the same as they have done all season. Do not expect bulletin-board material from either squad; if Randy Moss didn't rise to T.O.'s bait before the Dallas game, he'll have even less to say about the silent assassins at WR for the Colts.

I can't wait...

Quick Slants - Week 7

This just in: Rob Bironas has just kicked another field goal.

If Week 6 was completely unpredictable, Week 7 was about statements being made.

Up first: Bears at Eagles.

Both teams HAD to have this game.

As in, the winner gets to keep hope alive. The loser is already on the clock.

The Illadelph was crushing the Chi for the better part of four quarters, but field goals ain't touchdowns. A game that should have been a blowout was within the reach of a team as desperate as themselves.

And then: blessed silence.

1:52 remaining. 97 yards between the Bears and victory. And Brian Griese's helmet audio stopped functioning.

Some might call that convenient.

I call it provident.

Like the veteran that he is, Griese confidently and methodically moved his team down the field, bereft of any direction other than the innate sense of north-and-south that he had to have inherited a portion of from his Hall-Of-Fame dad. The defense, stupidly believing the Bears capable of the big strike, left its underbelly open. Griese and his receivers gladly savaged that underbelly, taking huge chunks of yards at a time.

Then, the inevitable: Griese found Muhsin Muhammad in the back of the end zone for the go-ahead score that the Eagles had feared from Griese's first completion at the beginning of the drive.

The remaining 9 seconds dribbled off the clock, and the Bears were the team coming out of the coma.

The Eagles? Downgraded from critical to grave...

Statement Game 2: Titans at Texans.

Houston had every reason to lose this game. They were without their stud receiver. Their quarterback went down early. They were behind by a bushel of points. Everything said 'run out the clock and don't let the bleeding get any worse.'

Instead, they went to their backup, and he took them to the end zone.

Again. And again. And again.

And all of a sudden, Houston is in position for the upset of the season.

Except that Tennessee went to the well one more time.

Rob Bironas had already made seven (7) (!!) field goals in the game, from all distances. He was called upon once more.

Of course, he answered.

Eight (8) (WHAT THE HELL?!!) field goals later, Tennessee wins a game that they had both won and lost. Houston lost a game that they lost and won...and then lost again.

And the Titans remain a force to be reckoned with.

Statement Game 3: Patriots at Dolphins.

They were clearly the better team going in. No one took the Dolphins seriously. This could have been a classic trap game...but these ain't your granddad's Patriots.

The Patriots treated these guys like hazardous waste, and disposed of them early and properly.

They might be the most focused team in the league, except for...

Statement Game 4: Colts at Jaguars.

Anyone else remember that 44-17 butt beating that Indy took last year in the swamp?

Apparently, the Colts hold a grudge as long as the Patriots do, because they exorcized more than a few demons this time around in what can only be described as a complete thrashing of a playoff-bound team.

If New England's handling of Dallas in Dallas told us anything about the Patriots, then Indianapolis' handling of Jacksonville in Jacksonville should tell us exactly the same thing about the Colts.

The Colts are making a simple statement.

They do not consider themselves 1a to the Patriots' 1.

They believe that they are the 1, and that the Patriots are the team with something to prove, ESPN sloppy wet kisses for the Patriots notwithstanding.

And, at last check, as I have LOOONG maintained, the Colts are the team with the shiniest new hardware on display at team HQ. The Colts are the team that won the last Super Bowl.

The Colts are looking every bit as super as the Patriots.

And I will say it again and again until I'm paid to keep saying or sued to stop:

One of these two teams will go undefeated, out of necessity.

Whoever wins that titanic clash in Indy in a little less than a fortnight will have the inside track on home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

By the slimmest of margins: one game.

One misstep, one failure to focus, one badly-executed game plan, and now we're thrown into the lap of chance, where the obscure rules of NFL tie-breakers come into play.

Neither team wants that.

Neither team wants their destiny decided by something as undeserving of the moment as a ruling that was largely suggested in a hypothetical situation in the first place.

No, one team will go 16-0 because the other will hound them there.

And the great part for football fans is that it might not matter where the game is played.

Patriot Games?

So I'm following this story about the New England Patriots and the allegations concerning whether they steal defensive signals when the good people at ProFootballTalk.com ask a legitimate question:

Given that there are only 40 seconds between plays, is it even feasible to suggest that a team can steal defensive signals and relay that information to the offense in a timely enough manner to counteract the coming defense?

In the spy-versus-spy world that is NFL coaching and scouting, it is absolutely feasible.

All it takes is hours of film study and analysis, some cross-referencing, and a little old-fashioned computerized elbow grease...especially if you already know what you're looking for.

Every team has tendencies based on down, distance, and situation, because those teams take on the personalities of the people doing the decision-making. For example, if last year's Chargers were conservative to a fault, it's because the former head coach, Marty Schottenheimer, was conservative to a fault. He's just not as likely to call a go-route on third-and-2 deep in his own territory in the first quarter, while a Mike Martz or a Ron Turner might. If you know the man, you know the tendency.

Those tendencies can be confirmed on film. If you have a lot of computerized video storage (and what up-to-date NFL team doesn't...except the Browns, of course, who are still using cave drawings from the leather helmet era), you can sort your video by as many parameters as you can imagine: coach, personnel, down, distance, game time, field position, or any combination thereof. Watch enough film, and the pattern emerges. This is the essence of game-planning.

Now, let's say you focus a camera on the other guy's defensive coaches. All you need is a time stamp that matches the game time, and you can match the signal to the play being executed. Mark the relevant information (down, distance, situation, personnel, etc.), and compare it with the hours of film you've already compiled and the pattern is confirmed.

(Worse, as PFT suggested, word around the campfire is that the Patriots were putting microphones (!!) into the helmets of their defensive linemen, to capture offensive line calls and quarterback audibles. Again, match that information against the hindsight of film, and the pattern is confirmed. Maybe that's why the Patriots could just about run anyone out on defense, even Troy Brown (!!), and still be effective...hmmm...)

It would be like playing Texas Hold 'Em against Doyle Brunson and Phil Ivey, and knowing what their cards were before the flop.

And to answer Mike Florio's question, if you already have that information present, yes, you can relay that information to the offense.

Given the factors already in play, what you are looking for as a signal thief is confirmation. You already know that *Team A* is likely to zone blitz, based on their coach's tendencies in this situation. You've already called a play package that takes the zone blitz into account, but doesn't lock you into a zone blitz reaction. When you see what you suspect was coming, that's a simple YES to the offensive coordinator, who then relays that to the QB, and that might not take two seconds to accomplish.

The more signals that the Patriots have information for, the more quickly they can adjust the play package being sent in. As we know, the sophistication of modern offenses allows for multiple options in each play. If the Patriots are intercepting signals that they have already stolen and confirmed, especially at halftime, that adjustment is as simple as a couple more syllables.

Obviously, the system is not entirely foolproof because of the human element. Just because you know a zone blitz is coming doesn't mean you can do anything about it, if the athletes executing that blitz are faster than your blocking scheme can account for. Or, it could be something as mundane as a lineman slipping just a little bit while trying to react to an anticipated stunt, or a receiver just failing to beat the jam that he knew was coming.

That said, knowing what the defense is calling would amount to a huuuuuge competitive disadvantage and might explain the Patriots' otherworldly success of the last few seasons.

And this is what we are left with: at the very least, we must question the authenticity of New England's titles, because these charges have been made against Bill Belichick before on multiple occasions. Like the NBA scandal involving Tim Donaghy, this goes to the heart of the integrity of the game. If it is confirmed that Belichick and his staff have conspired to steal signals and use that information to gain an unfair competitive advantage, Judge Kennesaw Mountain Goodell must drop the gavel on Belichick as swiftly and surely as he did on Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and Michael Vick.

And like the aforementioned Vick tragedy, one wonders what will be revealed as this particular sweater continues to unravel, because, as the ink-stained wretches like to say, this story has legs.