The Rocket In The Docket
Whoever is in charge of giving a story legs, thank you sooooo much for the current Roger Clemens steroid fiasco.
This thing is the gift that just keeps on giving.
First, Clemens and Andy Pettitte get outed for using illegal performance enhancers by their former trainer Brian McNamee in the Mitchell Report.
Then, giving tons of credibility to the charges that McNamee made in the report, Pettitte ‘fesses up and cops to having done exactly what McNamee said he did.
Then we get 24 days of utter silence from The Rajah, while every right-thinking person in the western hemisphere is wondering why it’s taking so long for him to respond…unless, of course, there is some truth to McNamee’s claim, in which case the time taken is being used to rev up the spin cycle.
While waiting for something, anything, from Clemens, this knucklehead releases a video to YouTube (!!), denying all charges. YouTube? YouTube??
What, the Weekly World News couldn’t squeeze him in under the banner headline about the two-headed cows being abducted by aliens? But wait…there’s more.
Sure enough, Clemens stages an “interview” on 60 Minutes that should have shamed the company that gave us Edward R. Murrow and investigative journalism. Had this sham been any more softballish, there would be a keg of beer at each base.
Next, we get a lawsuit (!!), where Clemens is suing McNamee for defamation of character. Just for kicks, I went to a legal website to read up on defamation of character, and the site was quick to advise that proving defamation is difficult under the best of circumstances, even if the defendant is lying. Basically, Clemens is trying to curry any public favor he can by saying, “See? I’m suing…” even though this kind of suit rarely pays off.
Finally, there’s this spurious “tape” that Clemens and his people have been playing, claiming that McNamee is recanting.
All of this, had it been done by itself, is enough to keep me writing for the next year…but it only gets better.
Like Doyle Brunson holding the case ace on a royal flush, McNamee’s lawyers have re-raised every time Clemens pushes into the pot because they know they are holding the best cards.
When Clemens went semi-public on YouTube, McNamee’s lawyers immediately called on him to meet the real press.
When Clemens denied having ever used steroids, McNamee’s lawyers double-dog dared him to make the same statements under oath.
When Clemens and his camp began running selected excerpts of this phone conversation to friendly media outlets, McNamee’s lawyers have rightly demanded that Clemens’ camp turn over the entire tape willingly…or, absent that, that the tape be subpoenaed into evidence.
See, here’s the point: no matter what Clemens “seems to” say, McNamee’s lawyers have responded aggressively and in a way that Joe Couch Potato can readily understand, because it makes sense.
Videos on YouTube? Try talking to a room full of ink-stained wretches that are smelling blood.
Namby-pamby denials and running your mouth to friendly interviewers? Try saying the same thing under oath, tough guy.
Oh, you have a tape? Great. Let’s all sit down and listen to the whole thing together, you, me, and a big ol’ press contingent, and lets see what’s really on that tape, J. Edgar…
Unless, of course, you have reasons for not wanting to meet with reporters in a genuine question-and-answer press conference…y’know, because they might ask you the kind of questions that Mike Wallace conveniently left out.
Questions like: so what’s on the whole tape?
What took you so long to respond?
Why have you responded like this?
Why did you need to get injected in your buttocks with lidocaine? Does numbing your butt help you pitch better?
Why did you need to get injected with B-12 at all? Seems to me that you get the same benefit from swallowing a completely legal and over-the-counter pill with B-12, like, say, a Flintstones Chewable…
And the real question, the one that Clemens absolutely cannot avoid:
Why would McNamee tell the truth about Pettitte and lie about you, especially since he had to know that to lie under those circumstances would lead to all kinds of nasty legal problems later…and especially since he didn’t have to say a stinkin’ thing?
The best part is yet to come. Clemens will have to face the music soon, and this time he will be under oath
It sez so right here that you will hear the finest parsing of the English language since William Jefferson Clinton debated what the definition of “is” is…
Stay tuned.
This thing is the gift that just keeps on giving.
First, Clemens and Andy Pettitte get outed for using illegal performance enhancers by their former trainer Brian McNamee in the Mitchell Report.
Then, giving tons of credibility to the charges that McNamee made in the report, Pettitte ‘fesses up and cops to having done exactly what McNamee said he did.
Then we get 24 days of utter silence from The Rajah, while every right-thinking person in the western hemisphere is wondering why it’s taking so long for him to respond…unless, of course, there is some truth to McNamee’s claim, in which case the time taken is being used to rev up the spin cycle.
While waiting for something, anything, from Clemens, this knucklehead releases a video to YouTube (!!), denying all charges. YouTube? YouTube??
What, the Weekly World News couldn’t squeeze him in under the banner headline about the two-headed cows being abducted by aliens? But wait…there’s more.
Sure enough, Clemens stages an “interview” on 60 Minutes that should have shamed the company that gave us Edward R. Murrow and investigative journalism. Had this sham been any more softballish, there would be a keg of beer at each base.
Next, we get a lawsuit (!!), where Clemens is suing McNamee for defamation of character. Just for kicks, I went to a legal website to read up on defamation of character, and the site was quick to advise that proving defamation is difficult under the best of circumstances, even if the defendant is lying. Basically, Clemens is trying to curry any public favor he can by saying, “See? I’m suing…” even though this kind of suit rarely pays off.
Finally, there’s this spurious “tape” that Clemens and his people have been playing, claiming that McNamee is recanting.
All of this, had it been done by itself, is enough to keep me writing for the next year…but it only gets better.
Like Doyle Brunson holding the case ace on a royal flush, McNamee’s lawyers have re-raised every time Clemens pushes into the pot because they know they are holding the best cards.
When Clemens went semi-public on YouTube, McNamee’s lawyers immediately called on him to meet the real press.
When Clemens denied having ever used steroids, McNamee’s lawyers double-dog dared him to make the same statements under oath.
When Clemens and his camp began running selected excerpts of this phone conversation to friendly media outlets, McNamee’s lawyers have rightly demanded that Clemens’ camp turn over the entire tape willingly…or, absent that, that the tape be subpoenaed into evidence.
See, here’s the point: no matter what Clemens “seems to” say, McNamee’s lawyers have responded aggressively and in a way that Joe Couch Potato can readily understand, because it makes sense.
Videos on YouTube? Try talking to a room full of ink-stained wretches that are smelling blood.
Namby-pamby denials and running your mouth to friendly interviewers? Try saying the same thing under oath, tough guy.
Oh, you have a tape? Great. Let’s all sit down and listen to the whole thing together, you, me, and a big ol’ press contingent, and lets see what’s really on that tape, J. Edgar…
Unless, of course, you have reasons for not wanting to meet with reporters in a genuine question-and-answer press conference…y’know, because they might ask you the kind of questions that Mike Wallace conveniently left out.
Questions like: so what’s on the whole tape?
What took you so long to respond?
Why have you responded like this?
Why did you need to get injected in your buttocks with lidocaine? Does numbing your butt help you pitch better?
Why did you need to get injected with B-12 at all? Seems to me that you get the same benefit from swallowing a completely legal and over-the-counter pill with B-12, like, say, a Flintstones Chewable…
And the real question, the one that Clemens absolutely cannot avoid:
Why would McNamee tell the truth about Pettitte and lie about you, especially since he had to know that to lie under those circumstances would lead to all kinds of nasty legal problems later…and especially since he didn’t have to say a stinkin’ thing?
The best part is yet to come. Clemens will have to face the music soon, and this time he will be under oath
It sez so right here that you will hear the finest parsing of the English language since William Jefferson Clinton debated what the definition of “is” is…
Stay tuned.
Labels: MLB, Steroids, stupid as hell
posted by van walker | 9:03 PM
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