Quick Slants - Week 14
Some things you guess, some things you think, and some things you just know.
The Saints won...and they will have the same impact on the playoff picture as belly button lint has on airline weight limits.
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
Remember when the Ravens used to be the team holding the hammer this late in the season, and not the other way around?
Then, too, they did just come off a crushing near-upset of the perfect Patriots, only to face the Rodney Dangerfield Colts, who were more than ready to pounce upon their broken hearts and pound them senseless...
...and it sez so right here that those same Colts are comparative-scoring their way into believing that they can beat New England in January.
In Foxboro.
No. Really.
So, Denver blew out Kansas City, which is kinda nice in that they get to be the team on the sunny side of a lopsided score for the first time this season.
Before anyone goes and gets all misty-eyed about how this Bronco team pulled together and gave a unified effort, this is the same squad that went belly up to the 5-Losses-In-A-Row-And-Counting-Lions...
And we won’t even bring up that debacle in Oakland...
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
With every game, every yard passed, every touchdown tallied, and every step closer to the playoffs, Derek Anderson adds millions to his next contract.
If the brass in Chicago has a pulse, they would be wise to drain Lake Michigan to pay whatever the Browns ask for him.
And if they can’t raise the money legitimately, hey, it’s Chicago. I’m pretty sure that Jerry Angelo knows a guy who knows a guy...a couple of phone calls get made out to Cicero...a couple of wire transfers get made...and for the price of a luxury box suite in perpetuity to a bunch of guys in the, ah, “shipping” business, da Bears will have themselves a genuine franchise QB.
Memo To Anyone Playing New England This Season: Don’t let an alligator mouth overload a butterfly butt. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your rear end can’t cash. Well done is better than well said. Or, as my dear, departed dad might have said...
SHUT. The. Hell. Up.
Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the Patriots deliberately targeted Anthony Smith or anything like that...
...but that boy did end up in a lot of highlights where guys were behind him catching passes for touchdowns.
Just sayin’, is all...
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
It’s official: Brad Childress has regained his name in my book, and has thoroughly won my respect back. Yes, his Minnesota team thumped the crap out of a bad San Francisco team.
But that’s what good teams do: they thump the crap out of bad teams wherever they play them. They don’t lose on the road to the corpses in Oakland, and they don’t lose to a Redskins team two days removed from a funeral.
Tarvaris Jackson, for all the righteous grief that Bill Bryan has (deservedly) heaped upon him, has posted four games in a row with a passer rating of 90 or better (neither Rex Grossman nor Eli Manning can make that claim), the defense continues to hit people in the jibs, and the running game is officially a beast.
The beauty of a power running game like Minnesota’s is that they really don’t give a hoot if you put nine or ten men in the box, because they’re gonna shove “65-Toss-Power-Trap” right down your throat whether you like it or not, and they’re gonna do it all day, and they’re gonna do it with two backs capable of hanging a number on your defense.
So, the Seahawks clinched the NFC West and San Diego is about to clinch the AFC West.
Remind me again about the sound of one hand clapping...?
It doesn’t matter what either of these teams do from here on out, because they are nothing more than first round playoff fodder. Seriously, does anyone really like San Diego to beat Jacksonville in the first round? How about Seattle playing someone like Minnesota?
The Giants managed to squeak by an Iggles squad that a good team would have stomped the crap out of (see Minnesota), not that it matters. This team feels like the Kyle Orton Bears of a couple of years ago...they’re winning, no one really seems to know why, and they will have their club keys invalidated during the first round of the playoffs.
Say what you will about the Expansion Bowl betwixt Jacksonville and Carolina, but there is one glaring difference between the two programs that points to success more than anything else: quarterback.
When Carolina lost Jake Delhomme, they lost their season, period. Never mind that Delhomme doesn’t block, tackle, run the ball, catch passes, kick field goals, or call the plays, mind you...
Jack Del Rio, on the other hand, figured that he was going about as far with Byron Leftwich as he could. No one questions Leftwich’s courage - that guy would fight a hungry lion for a steak – but he just didn’t make good decisions with the football often enough to suit the coach.
David Garrard, on the other hand, is what guys like Trent Dilfer and Kyle Boller should have been: an efficient game manager who will not beat himself, who will not take his team out of a key moment, and who can occasionally make a play to win a game for you.
Just like I said last week, that thumping sound you’re hearing is the sound of fat sportswriter butts re-planting themselves on the Chargers’ bandwagon, as though beating a headless Tennessee team in overtime proves anything. Peter King, in particular, who should know better, was giving the Chargers big ol’ sloppy kisses in his recent Monday Morning Quarterback column...and why?
Lest we forget, this is the same team where Norv Turner had to be tied down like Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” and made to watch hours of looped game film of Number 21("he's on our team? Really?...wow...") before he figured out that it’s a good idea for all involved to get LT the friggin’ football with some regularity.
This is the same team where their allegedly badass linebacker Shawne Merriman got blown to pieces on a blitz pickup by Maurice Jones-Drew, all five-foot-nothin’ of him...
These guys are going to draw someone hungry and filthy like Cleveland, behind hot hand Derek Anderson and rejuvenated wrecking ball Jamal Lewis and ol’ Norv will be at a podium after the game being asked how he managed to lose with a team this talented.
Sage Rosenfels? Again? Who IS this man?
And how the hell can the TEXANS, a friggin’ expansion franchise, find TWO quarterbacks THIS SEASON while the god-awful Bears can’t find ONE in 88 FRIGGIN’ YEARS?
Remember what I wrote earlier about good teams thumping the crap out of bad teams? See the Green Bay/Oakland score...geez...
Right now, if the Lions played the Dolphins, a hole would get ripped in the space/time continuum yada yada yada tentacular horrors, etc., etc.,...
I mean, the Dolphins, a franchise that featured Larry Czonka and Jim Kiick, guys who wouldn’t fumble the football if you hit them in the nards right now, this same franchise fielded a team last Sunday that turned the football over TEN TIMES...8 by fumble...
(Insert Your Own Joke Here).
...and I’m OUT like Jason Campbell...tough luck, kid...
The Saints won...and they will have the same impact on the playoff picture as belly button lint has on airline weight limits.
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
Remember when the Ravens used to be the team holding the hammer this late in the season, and not the other way around?
Then, too, they did just come off a crushing near-upset of the perfect Patriots, only to face the Rodney Dangerfield Colts, who were more than ready to pounce upon their broken hearts and pound them senseless...
...and it sez so right here that those same Colts are comparative-scoring their way into believing that they can beat New England in January.
In Foxboro.
No. Really.
So, Denver blew out Kansas City, which is kinda nice in that they get to be the team on the sunny side of a lopsided score for the first time this season.
Before anyone goes and gets all misty-eyed about how this Bronco team pulled together and gave a unified effort, this is the same squad that went belly up to the 5-Losses-In-A-Row-And-Counting-Lions...
And we won’t even bring up that debacle in Oakland...
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
With every game, every yard passed, every touchdown tallied, and every step closer to the playoffs, Derek Anderson adds millions to his next contract.
If the brass in Chicago has a pulse, they would be wise to drain Lake Michigan to pay whatever the Browns ask for him.
And if they can’t raise the money legitimately, hey, it’s Chicago. I’m pretty sure that Jerry Angelo knows a guy who knows a guy...a couple of phone calls get made out to Cicero...a couple of wire transfers get made...and for the price of a luxury box suite in perpetuity to a bunch of guys in the, ah, “shipping” business, da Bears will have themselves a genuine franchise QB.
Memo To Anyone Playing New England This Season: Don’t let an alligator mouth overload a butterfly butt. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your rear end can’t cash. Well done is better than well said. Or, as my dear, departed dad might have said...
SHUT. The. Hell. Up.
Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the Patriots deliberately targeted Anthony Smith or anything like that...
...but that boy did end up in a lot of highlights where guys were behind him catching passes for touchdowns.
Just sayin’, is all...
Sage Rosenfels? Again?
It’s official: Brad Childress has regained his name in my book, and has thoroughly won my respect back. Yes, his Minnesota team thumped the crap out of a bad San Francisco team.
But that’s what good teams do: they thump the crap out of bad teams wherever they play them. They don’t lose on the road to the corpses in Oakland, and they don’t lose to a Redskins team two days removed from a funeral.
Tarvaris Jackson, for all the righteous grief that Bill Bryan has (deservedly) heaped upon him, has posted four games in a row with a passer rating of 90 or better (neither Rex Grossman nor Eli Manning can make that claim), the defense continues to hit people in the jibs, and the running game is officially a beast.
The beauty of a power running game like Minnesota’s is that they really don’t give a hoot if you put nine or ten men in the box, because they’re gonna shove “65-Toss-Power-Trap” right down your throat whether you like it or not, and they’re gonna do it all day, and they’re gonna do it with two backs capable of hanging a number on your defense.
So, the Seahawks clinched the NFC West and San Diego is about to clinch the AFC West.
Remind me again about the sound of one hand clapping...?
It doesn’t matter what either of these teams do from here on out, because they are nothing more than first round playoff fodder. Seriously, does anyone really like San Diego to beat Jacksonville in the first round? How about Seattle playing someone like Minnesota?
The Giants managed to squeak by an Iggles squad that a good team would have stomped the crap out of (see Minnesota), not that it matters. This team feels like the Kyle Orton Bears of a couple of years ago...they’re winning, no one really seems to know why, and they will have their club keys invalidated during the first round of the playoffs.
Say what you will about the Expansion Bowl betwixt Jacksonville and Carolina, but there is one glaring difference between the two programs that points to success more than anything else: quarterback.
When Carolina lost Jake Delhomme, they lost their season, period. Never mind that Delhomme doesn’t block, tackle, run the ball, catch passes, kick field goals, or call the plays, mind you...
Jack Del Rio, on the other hand, figured that he was going about as far with Byron Leftwich as he could. No one questions Leftwich’s courage - that guy would fight a hungry lion for a steak – but he just didn’t make good decisions with the football often enough to suit the coach.
David Garrard, on the other hand, is what guys like Trent Dilfer and Kyle Boller should have been: an efficient game manager who will not beat himself, who will not take his team out of a key moment, and who can occasionally make a play to win a game for you.
Just like I said last week, that thumping sound you’re hearing is the sound of fat sportswriter butts re-planting themselves on the Chargers’ bandwagon, as though beating a headless Tennessee team in overtime proves anything. Peter King, in particular, who should know better, was giving the Chargers big ol’ sloppy kisses in his recent Monday Morning Quarterback column...and why?
Lest we forget, this is the same team where Norv Turner had to be tied down like Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” and made to watch hours of looped game film of Number 21("he's on our team? Really?...wow...") before he figured out that it’s a good idea for all involved to get LT the friggin’ football with some regularity.
This is the same team where their allegedly badass linebacker Shawne Merriman got blown to pieces on a blitz pickup by Maurice Jones-Drew, all five-foot-nothin’ of him...
These guys are going to draw someone hungry and filthy like Cleveland, behind hot hand Derek Anderson and rejuvenated wrecking ball Jamal Lewis and ol’ Norv will be at a podium after the game being asked how he managed to lose with a team this talented.
Sage Rosenfels? Again? Who IS this man?
And how the hell can the TEXANS, a friggin’ expansion franchise, find TWO quarterbacks THIS SEASON while the god-awful Bears can’t find ONE in 88 FRIGGIN’ YEARS?
Remember what I wrote earlier about good teams thumping the crap out of bad teams? See the Green Bay/Oakland score...geez...
Right now, if the Lions played the Dolphins, a hole would get ripped in the space/time continuum yada yada yada tentacular horrors, etc., etc.,...
I mean, the Dolphins, a franchise that featured Larry Czonka and Jim Kiick, guys who wouldn’t fumble the football if you hit them in the nards right now, this same franchise fielded a team last Sunday that turned the football over TEN TIMES...8 by fumble...
(Insert Your Own Joke Here).
...and I’m OUT like Jason Campbell...tough luck, kid...
Labels: NFL
posted by van walker | 3:47 AM
1 Comments:
That late game where the Patriots threw the ball to Welker like 10 times in a row -- that to me was where the hoodie decided to turn the knife on whatsisname and his "guarantee"
It's like "look, we're gonna do this same thing to the SAME GUY for a while here. I'm telling you what we're gonna do, and you still can't stop it."
In other news, I saw a commercial for Doritos or something featuring Brady Quinn, and for like the first 20 seconds of the thing I was asking myself "who is that?"
Jamarcus and Brady draft day hype.
..Yawn.
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