Week 12 Prognostications - Turkey Day Special

Van would like to apologize publicly for all past disrespect of Bill. He acknowledges Bill’s superior knowledge of football as well as his superior mastery of the English language. All this time, Van has been jealous of Bill’s triple-digit IQ, his literary bent and his freedom. And now he must be jealous of Bill’s lead.

Attorney for Van: Mr. Walker stipulates to the fact that Bill is in front. He’d speak for himself, Your Honor, but he’s too busy frothing at the mouth right now.

I shot the Sheriff. There is a new Sheriff in town. Long live the Sheriff.

Totally unrelated: Barry Bonds is a jerk. News flash. But seriously, folks -

Jimmy Rollins beat Matt Holliday for the NL MVP by 17 points, the closest race since 1991, when Terry Pendleton beat Barry Bonds by 15. That’s the jerk margin. He would obviously claim not to care, but if Bonds is an even marginally more pleasant human being, he picks up another MVP.

Van: See, that’s where you make your mistake; you assumed Bonds was human in the first place.

Jason Giambi. Anyone mad at Jason Giambi? Anyone? OK, anyone who is not a Yankees fan?

Finally, do you think the grand jury that finally saw fit to indict Bonds after being convened for like 15 years would have stayed convened so long if Bonds did not allow his BFF to rot in jail that whole time?

Van: Y’know, you could work up a pretty cool Nice Guy Eddie rant about Bonds’ boy sitting in jail instead of singing, but I’m thinking that there used to be a very large cashier’s check waiting for him…alas and alack, the grand jury indicted Bonds anyway, so he ended up doing time for nothing. Bonehead.

And do you think Bonds has a chance in hell of getting off?

Van: He has the same chance that you have of repeating last week’s miracle…but hey, two more and you qualify for sainthood. Me? I’ll stick to outpicking you this week.

Meanwhile, Van’s time is about up. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Boom.

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Tyrants got a right to be hostile. See, I have heard of Glenn Martinez and Andre Hall by virtue of being trapped in this media market, but the Titans probably had not. They probably have not heard of any of the Bungles’ linebackers, either, but I doubt that this will come back to haunt them. The Tyrants are mad. Hurt. Humiliated. The Bungles? They just won, like, two weeks ago. They are not due again until Week 15 at San Francisco. Put the Bungles down for 4-11 and wake me up for the Miami game. Still undecided on that one. Did you see that Pacman Jones and Albert Haynesworth got in a fight somewhere? Do you suppose that both of them had some pent-up aggression, saw the other and thought, “here is the only guy in the world that I can fight and people will not automatically assume it is my fault”?

Van: Vince Young is brutal. Right now, the only quarterback worse than him in the entire NFL is Alex Smith. As abysmal as that sounds, that also means that Joey Harrington, David Carr, and any of the clowns in Minnesota are better than Vince Young. Vince Young is doing for the Titans defense what Rex Grossman does for the Bears defense…or, if you prefer, what cirrhosis does for a liver. There is no stinkin’ way the Titans should have lost to Gil Grissom Shanahan and the CSI Broncos last weekend, what with the coach using lie detectors and monitoring hair samples…what’s next? Gas chromatography? The Broncos are a hot mess, and they stomped a mudhole into the Titans last weekend. The Queen City Kitties are equally a hot mess, but with a much better QB in Carson Palmer, and Tennessee gets bounced again.

Houston at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Rosario Dawson and Monica Bellucci are standing in separate glass cases. My wife is not available at this time. Please leave a message. So, anyway, Rosario and Monica are there, neither giving me any clear indications. No licking lips, no raised eyebrows, no come hither of any kind. They both look great in their different ways, but only one is the right choice. Hard to believe, I know, but one of these is not a winner. OK, this is a bad analogy, because the Texans and Browns are really like Famke Janssen and Sonya Walger, B-list beauties for whom I have an outsized appreciation, and all this while I am completely devoted to the Broncos (hi, honey). The Browns are at home. So, I’m taking Rosario because she is wearing fewer clothes.

Van: After watching Phil Dawson’s Doink! win the game last weekend, I am convinced that (Insert Deity/Higher Power of choice here)’s favorite team is Cleveland. Houston has their QB and WR back together making rainbows, but they will not win with that gigantic mortgage payment at RB.

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
While I have been on record as appreciating the Bills’ heart, the fact is that their heart is just big enough to beat bad teams. Five wins: Jets, Ravens, Jets, Bengals, Dolphins. We have to reevaluate occasionally, because at the time we thought the Ravens were good. I did, anyway. One thing all these teams have in common is that they are worse than Jacksonville. In most cases, a lot worse. With Pittsburgh vacating the 1a spot (which was agonizingly stupid, since after the Patriots everybody is competing for maybe fifteenth), Jacksonville celebrates their coronation as the NFL’s second-best team by beating the Bills by a surprisingly slim margin.

Van: Fear Mo-Jo Drew. Fear him. Last weekend, he damn near killed Shawne Merriman (!!) on a blitz pickup that was reminiscent of the way Walter Payton used to blow up blitzing linebackers back in the day. But Jacksonville at 1a? What about Dallas or Green Bay, either of whom would beat J-ville like a red-haired stepchild? I realize that you have a lotta man-love for the Jag-wires, especially after they exposed San Diego last weekend, but second-best?

Oakland at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Haven’t these guys already played twice this year? Three times? Mediocrity has such a familiar feel. I love heist movies, but I honestly can no longer discern between The Italian Job, Ronan and Ocean’s Twelve. Normally, you would say that the outcome of mediocrity is completely unimportant (like does Jean Reno double-cross Mark Wahlberg in this movie?), but in this case the Chefs are a game back in the AFC West. The Chefs win this game because, of course, they are at home, but also because the Raidas improbably keep finding new ways to suck. Daunte Culpepper played a decent game this past week, thereby requiring the rest of the team to step up and suck. The funny thing is that Culpepper’s performance temporarily quells the crying for JeMarcus Russell, which totally misses the point. The point is not that Russell is better than Culpepper or Josh McCown, but that this year is over and so they may as well get on with next year.

Van: Kansas City has nobody at quarterback. No one. The Chiefs have no one at running back. Nobody. If Brodie Croyle and Kolby Smith are the answer, the question has to be “Which two players got Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards fired after the 2007 season ended?” The Raiders are still held in thrall by an increasingly vague Al Davis, but at least they have a pulse at QB. And besides, they’re in the AFC West, which means that they are technically still in the playoff hunt, as ridiculous as that sounds. And yes, Stat Boy, Kansas City is also in the West, but remember: they have nobody at quarterback and running back. Nobody.

Baltimore at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
I have a new least favorite person in football: Brian Billick. After the referees took the time to get the call right last week on The Strangest Kick Anybody Has Ever Seen (interesting because it was the absolute worst good kick ever), Billick the erstwhile preening shmoe could only whine about the process. This was a marvelous opportunity to have a little class, to thank the refs for getting the call right by any means necessary even if it went against him. But he did not. And I just don’t like the guy.

Van: Nobody wins this game. I don’t care who Bill and I picked. Nobody wins this game. LT is officially in the Witness Protection Program. Norv “Al Gore” Turner took his Algore-ism to a whole new level last week, and Shawne Merriman was last seen hiding in his locker and muttering “There go that man again, mama…” As far as Baltimore goes, here’s all you really need to know: Kyle Boller is now the franchise’s alltime leader for passing yardage. On the one hand, it is kind of a nice thing when your alltime leader is playing now, as opposed to my benighted Bears, whose alltime franchise quarterback last played when the earth was cooling, but really…Kyle Friggin’ Boller? Someone must hang for this affront to decency everywhere…

Philadelphia at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Last week’s Schoedinger’s cat moment – we fire up the television Sunday night just as the Bills are kicking off for the second half. We get all the pre-kickoff milling around and everything, but there is no score posted. So the score might be anything. Anything! Imagine the possibilities! The Bills might be close, they might be winning, they might be winning by a lot, they might…oh. 35-7. Again. But, for a moment there…ah, well. This week, things can only get worse for everybody who is not the Patriots. The Pats are favored by 22 points. 22. In an NFL game. 22 points. They will cover. But, wow. 22 points.

Van: I’m actually surprised that the wiseguys put this game on the board, even with a ridiculous-looking number that could creep north of 30 before all is said and done. Seriously, who takes Philly to cover this? We’re looking at a 3 touchdown point spread, and the Illadelph might be down by three touchdowns by halftime. I was reading Peter King the other day, and he pointed out that Brett Favre’s best season for TD passes was 39; Tom Brady is sitting at 38, in something like 200 fewer attempts. This is the kind of dominance that you only see in a video game with the cheat codes put in.

Miami at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh’s loss last week to the Jets was unforgivable, an unmasking (El Zorro is only the effete Don Diego?), perhaps a complete undressing. But it happened on the road. The Steelers have three losses, all bad, and all on the road. They are not playing particularly well. The Dolphins, on the other hand, are playing their best ball of the season, having successively stood up to the Giants, Bills and Eagles for minutes at a time before giving up their lunch money like always. The opposite trajectories of the teams, unfortunately, do not bring them into the same galaxy. Pittsburgh gets well and the Dolphins sweat their oh-fer another week.

Van: The Dolphins picked the wrong week to go to Pittsburgh. All-Loincloth head coach Mike Timlin will have the Steelers breathing fire after last week’s embarrassment, particularly in the execution department. Word around the campfire is that the Steelers thought that they could just show up and win against the Jets, and they got stung for it. They will not make the mistake of overlooking Miami this weekend.