Quick Slants - Week 9
This just in – Adrian Peterson has scored again for Minnesota…
So, really: how stupid is Norv The Idiot Turner?
Was he not watching Boo Boo The Fool Childress learn from past mistakes?
Did he not see Adrian Peterson (excuse me, he just ran past me as I was writing this) rush for an NFL RECORD?
Does he not have LAST SEASON’S CONSENSUS MVP on his sideline? You may have heard of him…some kid named Tomlinson?
And, since I’m asking rhetorical questions, is it just me or did Philip Rivers regress significantly this season? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the change in coaches, would it?
The scary thing is this: have the Chargers overachieved with Norv The Idiot Turner thus far into the season?
Okay, enough with the rhetorical questions…time for the rhetoric.
This just in – Jamal Lewis just scored again for Cleveland…
Talk about your team of Almost Destiny.
If it weren’t for the supernova exploding in Indianapolis, we might think that the Cleveland Browns are the story of the year.
There were lots of culprits leaving fingerprints at Browns Stadium yesterday, which is making my friend The Dawgpound one of the delirious faithful in central Ohio. There was Jamal Lewis, bulling his way into the end zone four times. There was Kellen Winslow Jr., living up to the family name and family business instead of crumbling beneath it (oops…would someone get Brian Griese some ice?). There was Derek Anderson, every gutsy call, every accurate throw, every ounce of leadership making the Browns’ braintrust look stupid and stupider for not having given this guy a chance years ago.
And yes, there was Brady Quinn, silently gnawing his liver beneath the bench during the pandemonium of the Browns’ comeback.
This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.
Really.
NOW.
All you need to know about the utter bondage house beating that the Broncos took was video of Shaun Rogers, all 350 pounds of him, taking an interception 66 yards (!!) for a touchdown, and he looked like he was carrying a piano for 65 of those yards.
It’s not bad enough that the Broncos were down 44-0 with three minutes to play. It’s not bad enough that the Lions looked like the tougher, better prepared team all day. But when no one on your offense can outrun the fattest kid on the field, that speaks to lack of heart, not lack of ability.
The simple fact is that the Broncos quit. That goes straight to the head coach.
This team has regressed so significantly, one wonders if they won’t slide through the rest of their schedule with maybe one more win for the season. Maybe.
Shanahan has got to go, now.
Candidates for Best Team Not Named Patriots Or Colts: the Pittsburgh Steelers.
The Baltimore Ravens came into Monday night’s game talking tough. The Steelers, led by Bill Bryan’s All-Loincloth head coach Mike Tomlin, showed them what tough really is.
Let’s sum it up this way: Hines Ward destroyed Ed Reed. Destroyed him. It looked like an Adam Sandler clip from “The Waterboy.”
Now, this is not to take anything away from Ward, perennially one of the toughest receivers in the league. But Ed Reed? Ward didn’t just blow up the third-stringer; he blew up an All-Pro who usually does the blowing up.
I don’t know if the Steelers have moved into 1a territory with the Colts, but it pretty much assures them of being all by themselves at Number 2.
Whenever I look at Buffalo’s Marshawn Lynch, I hear Muddy Waters singing “Mannish Boy.”
Watching the Eagles is just too painful for me, because I can’t look at them without simultaneously thinking about Andy Reid’s domestic problems…and wondering why he’s still wearing a headset when he should be at home raising his kids properly.
The fact that his distractions are taking the Eagles down the tubes with him is secondary to the fact that he’s 0-fer-2 with his first two kids…and that he doesn’t seem overly concerned that there are 3 others likely to follow as long as he’s more concerned with perfecting “65-Toss-Power-Trap.”
Last season, Vince Young looked so much better than Reggie Bush, there was a suggestion that the Titans got the steal of the draft. For the early part of this season, Bush looked like a bust.
For the last four games, Reggie Bush has looked better than any time in his running back life. See, it’s one thing to do it in high school. It’s another thing to do it for USC in the PAC-10 (which usually has four or five weak sisters in the conference). It’s entirely another thing to do it in the NFL, and I have to admit that he’s doing it to death (thanks, James Brown).
And whoever woke Drew Brees and Marques Colston up should get a raise, because that person just saved the Saints’ season.
New Orleans was dead. Autopsied. Buried. When they lost Deuce McAllister, I had written them off for the rest of the year.
But the resiliency they have shown has finally made me a believer. The way they’ve been beating the stink off their opponents in this four game run has convinced me that they are back to being who they were last season.
Now, if only whatever they are drinking could be shipped to Chicago…(sigh)
For the love of all that is good and right in this world, will someone PLEASE get David Carr out of the NFL before he has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life?
Seriously, one more sack and you can put this guy right next to the cantaloupes in the fresh produce section.
And speaking of sorry quarterbacking, you just gotta love this one. So, Boo Boo The Fool Childress scorns Jeff Georges’ overtures, saying basically that the guy’s career was over. A couple of days later, he brings in Chris Weinke Dinky Dog for a workout…apparently, Sammy Baugh wasn’t available because he’s, ya know, dead. THEN, Boo Boo The Fool signs…
…wait for it…
…Koy Detmer.
This should tell you why Adrian Peterson, the league’s leading rusher and holder of the single-game rushing record, is still listed number 2 on the depth chart.
Best NFC Team Not Named Cowboys or Giants: The Green Bay Packers.
Once again, Brett Favre struck like lightning in the fourth quarter and stunned an opponent on the road. Once again, the Packers come away with a tough, well-earned road victory. They are as real as real gets, and they might be able to beat either Dallas or New York.
This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: The Thanksgiving Day tilt between Detroit and Green Bay will actually be meaningful. Very meaningful. Really, who saw that one coming?
Okay, okay, I was getting to It…
You know…The Greatest Game Ever.
There is no truth to the rumor that DNA testing has confirmed that Tom Brady is Joe Montana’s clone…but video evidence at hand is pretty convincing.
Down 10 in the fourth quarter in an artificially-loud stadium (more on that in a minute), Tom Terrific authored two drives for the ages against their only real competition this season.
Never mind all that happened before those two drives, including Tony Dungy’s head-scratching decision to go away from Joseph Addai (I mean, Addai was killing New England single-handedly in the first half), because the fact is that Indianapolis was still winning the game comfortably before Tom Brady and his teammates reasserted themselves.
And speaking of reasserting himself, how about Mr. Maligned, Randy Moss? Anyone questioning his toughness should be forced to watch video of Moss fearlessly going over the middle of the Colts defense to make a one-handed catch as pretty as anything Willie Mays ever hauled in.
But, uh, wasn’t that a loud game? Too loud, perhaps?
As noted by the good people at ProFootballTalk.com, and as heard by my own two ears, the crowd noise at the game…uh…skipped.
The evidence is out there. PFT even has the audio of the clip on their site, and you can hear it as clearly as I can. The crowd noise skipped, then suddenly cut off.
Perhaps the most telling thing to me is the speed with which CBS Sports rushed to take the blame, saying that it was an internal thing and nothing that the Colts were doing to disrupt the Patriots while on offense.
Uh...yeah.
There are two major problems with this. One is that I don’t need the network adding crowd noise to the feed to increase the drama. Games supply their own drama, or they don’t. When Green Bay and Kansas City were mud-wrestling in the fourth quarter, no additional drama was necessary. When Pittsburgh was bludgeoning Baltimore, no amount of additional crowd noise was going to make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear. When I want drama, I’ll watch CSI. Leave my football alone.
The other major problem is that, despite CBS’ rush to take the blame, two credible sources (Dennis Green’s son and a security guard at the game in Indy) have stepped up and said what we all suspect: that home teams pump up the crowd noise artificially to distract the visitors.
I’m sorry, but that’s cheating. It’s just as bad as videotaping defensive signals during the game, or defensive lineman yelling “Hut! Hut!”
One last thing: who woke Don Shula up?
No, really, there’s nothing self-serving at all about his whining that the Patriots should get an asterisk on their record if they go undefeated this season.
No, really, there’s no conflict of interest at all when the coach of the only undefeated team in NFL history is already kicking dirt on the best challenge to his legacy in recent memory.
No, really, he and the rest of his grumpy old men in Florida don’t look like curmudgeonly rat-bastards whenever someone goes undefeated deep into the regular season, only to their plaintive cries of “What about us?”
We get it. You didn’t lose any games for a whole year. We’re all happy for you. Now shut the hell up and let us enjoy the Patriots this season.
And here’s hoping that the corks stay in the bottles.
So, really: how stupid is Norv The Idiot Turner?
Was he not watching Boo Boo The Fool Childress learn from past mistakes?
Did he not see Adrian Peterson (excuse me, he just ran past me as I was writing this) rush for an NFL RECORD?
Does he not have LAST SEASON’S CONSENSUS MVP on his sideline? You may have heard of him…some kid named Tomlinson?
And, since I’m asking rhetorical questions, is it just me or did Philip Rivers regress significantly this season? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the change in coaches, would it?
The scary thing is this: have the Chargers overachieved with Norv The Idiot Turner thus far into the season?
Okay, enough with the rhetorical questions…time for the rhetoric.
This just in – Jamal Lewis just scored again for Cleveland…
Talk about your team of Almost Destiny.
If it weren’t for the supernova exploding in Indianapolis, we might think that the Cleveland Browns are the story of the year.
There were lots of culprits leaving fingerprints at Browns Stadium yesterday, which is making my friend The Dawgpound one of the delirious faithful in central Ohio. There was Jamal Lewis, bulling his way into the end zone four times. There was Kellen Winslow Jr., living up to the family name and family business instead of crumbling beneath it (oops…would someone get Brian Griese some ice?). There was Derek Anderson, every gutsy call, every accurate throw, every ounce of leadership making the Browns’ braintrust look stupid and stupider for not having given this guy a chance years ago.
And yes, there was Brady Quinn, silently gnawing his liver beneath the bench during the pandemonium of the Browns’ comeback.
This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.
Really.
NOW.
All you need to know about the utter bondage house beating that the Broncos took was video of Shaun Rogers, all 350 pounds of him, taking an interception 66 yards (!!) for a touchdown, and he looked like he was carrying a piano for 65 of those yards.
It’s not bad enough that the Broncos were down 44-0 with three minutes to play. It’s not bad enough that the Lions looked like the tougher, better prepared team all day. But when no one on your offense can outrun the fattest kid on the field, that speaks to lack of heart, not lack of ability.
The simple fact is that the Broncos quit. That goes straight to the head coach.
This team has regressed so significantly, one wonders if they won’t slide through the rest of their schedule with maybe one more win for the season. Maybe.
Shanahan has got to go, now.
Candidates for Best Team Not Named Patriots Or Colts: the Pittsburgh Steelers.
The Baltimore Ravens came into Monday night’s game talking tough. The Steelers, led by Bill Bryan’s All-Loincloth head coach Mike Tomlin, showed them what tough really is.
Let’s sum it up this way: Hines Ward destroyed Ed Reed. Destroyed him. It looked like an Adam Sandler clip from “The Waterboy.”
Now, this is not to take anything away from Ward, perennially one of the toughest receivers in the league. But Ed Reed? Ward didn’t just blow up the third-stringer; he blew up an All-Pro who usually does the blowing up.
I don’t know if the Steelers have moved into 1a territory with the Colts, but it pretty much assures them of being all by themselves at Number 2.
Whenever I look at Buffalo’s Marshawn Lynch, I hear Muddy Waters singing “Mannish Boy.”
Watching the Eagles is just too painful for me, because I can’t look at them without simultaneously thinking about Andy Reid’s domestic problems…and wondering why he’s still wearing a headset when he should be at home raising his kids properly.
The fact that his distractions are taking the Eagles down the tubes with him is secondary to the fact that he’s 0-fer-2 with his first two kids…and that he doesn’t seem overly concerned that there are 3 others likely to follow as long as he’s more concerned with perfecting “65-Toss-Power-Trap.”
Last season, Vince Young looked so much better than Reggie Bush, there was a suggestion that the Titans got the steal of the draft. For the early part of this season, Bush looked like a bust.
For the last four games, Reggie Bush has looked better than any time in his running back life. See, it’s one thing to do it in high school. It’s another thing to do it for USC in the PAC-10 (which usually has four or five weak sisters in the conference). It’s entirely another thing to do it in the NFL, and I have to admit that he’s doing it to death (thanks, James Brown).
And whoever woke Drew Brees and Marques Colston up should get a raise, because that person just saved the Saints’ season.
New Orleans was dead. Autopsied. Buried. When they lost Deuce McAllister, I had written them off for the rest of the year.
But the resiliency they have shown has finally made me a believer. The way they’ve been beating the stink off their opponents in this four game run has convinced me that they are back to being who they were last season.
Now, if only whatever they are drinking could be shipped to Chicago…(sigh)
For the love of all that is good and right in this world, will someone PLEASE get David Carr out of the NFL before he has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life?
Seriously, one more sack and you can put this guy right next to the cantaloupes in the fresh produce section.
And speaking of sorry quarterbacking, you just gotta love this one. So, Boo Boo The Fool Childress scorns Jeff Georges’ overtures, saying basically that the guy’s career was over. A couple of days later, he brings in Chris Weinke Dinky Dog for a workout…apparently, Sammy Baugh wasn’t available because he’s, ya know, dead. THEN, Boo Boo The Fool signs…
…wait for it…
…Koy Detmer.
This should tell you why Adrian Peterson, the league’s leading rusher and holder of the single-game rushing record, is still listed number 2 on the depth chart.
Best NFC Team Not Named Cowboys or Giants: The Green Bay Packers.
Once again, Brett Favre struck like lightning in the fourth quarter and stunned an opponent on the road. Once again, the Packers come away with a tough, well-earned road victory. They are as real as real gets, and they might be able to beat either Dallas or New York.
This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: The Thanksgiving Day tilt between Detroit and Green Bay will actually be meaningful. Very meaningful. Really, who saw that one coming?
Okay, okay, I was getting to It…
You know…The Greatest Game Ever.
There is no truth to the rumor that DNA testing has confirmed that Tom Brady is Joe Montana’s clone…but video evidence at hand is pretty convincing.
Down 10 in the fourth quarter in an artificially-loud stadium (more on that in a minute), Tom Terrific authored two drives for the ages against their only real competition this season.
Never mind all that happened before those two drives, including Tony Dungy’s head-scratching decision to go away from Joseph Addai (I mean, Addai was killing New England single-handedly in the first half), because the fact is that Indianapolis was still winning the game comfortably before Tom Brady and his teammates reasserted themselves.
And speaking of reasserting himself, how about Mr. Maligned, Randy Moss? Anyone questioning his toughness should be forced to watch video of Moss fearlessly going over the middle of the Colts defense to make a one-handed catch as pretty as anything Willie Mays ever hauled in.
But, uh, wasn’t that a loud game? Too loud, perhaps?
As noted by the good people at ProFootballTalk.com, and as heard by my own two ears, the crowd noise at the game…uh…skipped.
The evidence is out there. PFT even has the audio of the clip on their site, and you can hear it as clearly as I can. The crowd noise skipped, then suddenly cut off.
Perhaps the most telling thing to me is the speed with which CBS Sports rushed to take the blame, saying that it was an internal thing and nothing that the Colts were doing to disrupt the Patriots while on offense.
Uh...yeah.
There are two major problems with this. One is that I don’t need the network adding crowd noise to the feed to increase the drama. Games supply their own drama, or they don’t. When Green Bay and Kansas City were mud-wrestling in the fourth quarter, no additional drama was necessary. When Pittsburgh was bludgeoning Baltimore, no amount of additional crowd noise was going to make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear. When I want drama, I’ll watch CSI. Leave my football alone.
The other major problem is that, despite CBS’ rush to take the blame, two credible sources (Dennis Green’s son and a security guard at the game in Indy) have stepped up and said what we all suspect: that home teams pump up the crowd noise artificially to distract the visitors.
I’m sorry, but that’s cheating. It’s just as bad as videotaping defensive signals during the game, or defensive lineman yelling “Hut! Hut!”
One last thing: who woke Don Shula up?
No, really, there’s nothing self-serving at all about his whining that the Patriots should get an asterisk on their record if they go undefeated this season.
No, really, there’s no conflict of interest at all when the coach of the only undefeated team in NFL history is already kicking dirt on the best challenge to his legacy in recent memory.
No, really, he and the rest of his grumpy old men in Florida don’t look like curmudgeonly rat-bastards whenever someone goes undefeated deep into the regular season, only to their plaintive cries of “What about us?”
We get it. You didn’t lose any games for a whole year. We’re all happy for you. Now shut the hell up and let us enjoy the Patriots this season.
And here’s hoping that the corks stay in the bottles.
Labels: Bill Bryan, Colts, New England Patriots, NFL
posted by van walker | 8:49 PM
1 Comments:
Wow - fire Dracula. I can see your logic, but I think sometimes Mike interprets the word "rebuilding" much the same as other teams see "lets just go out out there and see what happens"
I'm not ready to be done with Shanny just yet, but I see what you're getting at.
Shula on the other hand -- geez, what a nice way to tell the current pizzaro-world perfect Dolphins that their upcoming rematch with the Pats might be even more fun than the first time around.
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