Week 10 Prognostications - Nearer, My God, To Thee
Van: This week, Bill's picks come with a little religious flavor...not that he has a prayer of catching me...heh heh heh. Check mine out here to see how badly the gap is widening.
I watched most of Super Bowl 41.5 on a 19-inch television across an airport bar. It didn’t look that good.
Van: It looked as convincing as the beating you’re about to take from me this week, bunky.
When I returned home, it was to a house full of in-laws. In an effort to interact with my wife’s family (which comes at something of a premium in every conceivable way), I took my father-in-law to the gym and I asked my mother-in-law her perspective on the upcoming NFL week. Her take my surprise you, but only because you do not know her.
May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May all who say to me, “heh heh heh” turn back because of their shame.
Van: I have a little saying that I’ve memorized for whenever I’m about to kick Bill’s butt again: Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”
It’s on.
Denver at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Kansas City
BMIL has a friend in Kansas City who prays a lot. Lou. She doubts Lou prays for the Chiefs, exactly, but he recently moved there and so the general positivity in the city is greatly improved. I cannot imagine the Chefs need Lou. In fact, the Chefs could probably win this game without a single Top 10 deity in their corner. Jay Cutler, Yahweh and Shiva get scrubbed by Larry Johnson, Kokopelli and Kamapua’a. The Broncos are fielding an increasingly talentless team that is completely transparent in only minutes of film study. Last week’s loss to the Lions is likely the NFL’s worst this year, and yet the Broncos have to continue to play for two more months. I am running out of Patron. Perhaps if I say “Patron” a few more times, they will sponsor me and I will have enough tequila to make it to 5-11.
Van: What…Blind Io and Offler weren’t available for mention? By the way, FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN. Now word around the campfire is that his hand-picked GM is about to get thrown under the bus, when we all know that his hand-picked GM genuflects and kisses Shanny’s Super Bowl ring before speaking. I mean, blaming Ted Sundquist for the players on this roster is like blaming Jack Dawson for the sinking of the Titanic. Like Dawson, Sundquist wasn’t driving this particular shipwreck, and, like Dawson, Sundquist is about to find out that there ain’t enough lifeboats to go around.
Buffalo at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Buffalo
According to BMIL, there is a heartiness about Buffalo that will allow them to win this game. Although virtually none of the players are from Buffalo, the fans will “throw optimism out to the team.” The distance between Buffalo and Miami is not an impediment to flying optimism, thank you for asking. Van can sing the praises of Marshawn Lynch (altogether now, second verse, same as the first), but the guy opposing defenses suddenly have to gameplan is Lee Evans, the same guy who had 5 catches for 29 yards over the first three games. If a guy wearing nothing but blue and red paint in zero degree weather can throw optimism 1395 miles, then J. P. Losman should be able to throw a little oblong ball 90 feet to Evans against an understandably demoralized Dolphins defense.
Van: Plenty of seats still left on the Marshawn Lynch bandwagon. And as happy as I am for the big rookie, it is particularly galling to me that my beloved Bears stink like Louis XIV’s Palais de Versailles (no indoor plumbing backin the day...quite fragrant when the sun was high), while former Bears head coach Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt has pulled his head from his nether regions and has Buffalo going in the right direction. It doesn’t hurt that they are playing the Dolphins, a team with nothing to recommend them beyond a favorable climate.
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Pittsburgh
BMIL says that Pittsburgh is up-and-coming. There is “reemergence power” in Pittsburgh. Her husband seems to believe that she is talking about economic revitalization, but I think that she is talking about a spiritual reemergence. I do not know what a spiritual reemergence is, but I suppose that is what they are doing in Cleveland. The Browns probably have not played for first place this late in the season since the Reagan administration (I’m going to throw that out there and let stat boy confirm or deny – I don’t actually care). They will have to wait until at least next season to do it again. Pittsburgh is a monster at home.
Van: Actually, the Browns haven’t played for first place this late in the season since the Truman administration, but they will get smacked firmly in the mouth by the bullies in Pittsburgh. By the way, “spiritual reemergence” is something that happens to Al Gore every couple of years and washed-up child stars leaving rehab…
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tennessee
This game elicited a fairly passionate response from BMIL. Apparently, on 7/7/07, 70,000 children of the lord descended upon Titan Stadium for the purpose of praying, a great whopping gathering called “The Call.” As there were so many angels present at the time, which BMIL accepts on faith as she cannot see them (although some of her friends can), she supposes that some angels might still be hanging around. Even before “The Call,” BMIL was well-disposed toward Nashville because of its prodigious production of marvelous God music. In case you have the chance to see them, they also have a band called Autovaughn, who are merely good on record but brilliant live. They do not sing about God, so I did not mention them to BMIL. David Garrard is a gametime decision, which will show us once and for all how God feels about Jacksonville. I’m taking the Jags supposing Garrard plays and because I find myself agreeing far too much with BMIL.
Van: The plays you will see run in this game were drawn in elk blood on a cavern wall by Amos Alonzo Stagg while the earth cooled…there may be no other game in history that will do as much to set offensive football back to the Pleistocene era as this game will. On the one hand, the Titans will likely run the wishbone with Vince Young and LenWhale White. On the other, the Jags might as well run the single-wing because nothing else they’ve tried is working. It sez so right here that the over/under for total quarterback passing yardage for the game is 250…considering that both teams have recently WON games where their QBs threw for 100 each, you might want to take the under. And, since defensive line berserker Marcus Stroud is serving a 4-game suspension for messing with the Flintstone Chewables, I like Tennessee to run up the gut all day long.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Baltimore
History. BMIL likes the Ravens because of history. When pressed, she supposes that things happened during the Civil War, and that the people of Baltimore consequently still carry a “warrior mode” with them. Like Buffalo’s optimism, it is freely communicable fan to player. Just when it looks like things cannot get any worse for the Ravens (who are still reeling from the Civil War), the Bengals come to town and, sure enough, things do not get any worse. The Bengals suck. I have completely run out of funny things to say about their defense. I think that their defense should stop trying to be funny – they’re like Dane Cook. They’re just annoying now. At the same time, the offense is single-handedly losing Marvin Lewis’ job. Given the injuries on defense and the necessity to sign guys off the street to start the next week, at least the defense has an excuse. The offense has succumbed to a sort of environmental malaise, which is ultimately the fault of the soon-to-be-former-head coach.
Van: Carson Palmer is Archie Manning, a great quarterback surrounded by flotsam and jetsam on his sideline. Brian Billick is self-deluded, thinking he’s some offensive genius when he took over the play-calling from Jim Fassel last season. Sure, the team did better…because he took over for Jim-Friggin-Fassel. I could bust out the plays from my old 3M Football, pull them blindfolded, and call a better game than Jim-Friggin-Fassel. The problem is that Billick’s still calling the same plays for a team unable to run them anymore. Baltimore wins, but not because of anything that they do well.
Chicago at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tie
Both of these cities have revival history (I am told). After much agonizing, BMIL admitted that she was torn because she was born in Oakland and her father was born in Chicago. The two are matched in “ghetto and revival” and so will tie. I am thinking the Raiders are a little more ghetto than the Bears. After showing signs of life, the Raiders are on an alarming downward trend, capped last week by Sage Rosenfels badly outplaying Josh McCown (ow, stop it, ow, stop it, ow, stop it). The best evidence that the Raiders will lose, though, is Lane Kiffin’s big swingin’ declaration that he will be kicking to Devin Hester, another irrefutable proof that brains are inversely proportional to balls.
Van: I want to pick my boys. I really do. But when I see that the warranty has expired on Brian Griese, when I see that Cedric Benson is unlikely to top 1000 yards in a 16 game season (he’s not even averaging 60 yards per game), when I see that 9-time Pro Bowl guard Ruben Brown is out for the season, I see an offense that is going to get pillaged by a very underrated Oakland defensive line. Sure, you say Josh McCown, I say Cade McNown, but the Raiders have a better running game, Daunte Culpepper is available, and, well, my Bears suck worse than the black hole at the heart of the Crab Nebula.
Indianapolis at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: San Diego
BMIL likes San Diego because they have been suffering and this is their chance to recover. She is not even talking about the nearly three bills Adrian Peterson laid on that defense last week (Dear Chicago Bears – It has come to our attention that you have been missing Ron Rivera. For a mere $19.99 plus shipping and handling, you can have him back. But wait! Act now and we will send you a bonus head coach! That’s right! For only $19.99 we will send you both the defensive coordinator of your former glory and a bona fide National Football League head coach, complete with pictures of himself holding aloft the Lombardi Trophy! Use him as a ticket-taker, nacho vendor, or paperweight! Don’t delay, order today!). In the much-anticipated showdown of Boo Boo the Fool and Norv the *&%$ing Idiot Turner, Boo Boo won because he gave his stud the ball. See? Was it really that hard? Joe Addai ran roughshod over the Patriots, so he has to be giggling through film sessions all week. The Chargers’ suffering has not yet begun. Is it possible that 7-9 wins the AFC West?
Van: Funny you mention 7-9, because that will probably be the Seahawks’ record when they win the NFC West. Indianapolis gets Marvin Harrison back this week; that ain’t good for the Chargers, because the Colts damn near beat the Patriots without Harrison last weekend. Having Harrison back only further accentuates the graphic differences between these two teams. The Chargers traded for Chris Chambers and called that an upgrade…yeeesh. That’s only because Vincent Jackson and Samie (learn to spell it, bonehead) Parker couldn’t catch fire if you soaked them in napalm and threw them a lit match. If there’s any “good’ news concerning Norv The Idiot Turner’s refusal to use LaDainian Tomlinson, it’s that he’s saving LT’s legs for the next head coach. There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking a coach why Boo Boo The Fool kept giving Adrian Peterson the rock; apparently, he was concerned that the kid might get tired after running up and down the field all day.
I watched most of Super Bowl 41.5 on a 19-inch television across an airport bar. It didn’t look that good.
Van: It looked as convincing as the beating you’re about to take from me this week, bunky.
When I returned home, it was to a house full of in-laws. In an effort to interact with my wife’s family (which comes at something of a premium in every conceivable way), I took my father-in-law to the gym and I asked my mother-in-law her perspective on the upcoming NFL week. Her take my surprise you, but only because you do not know her.
May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May all who say to me, “heh heh heh” turn back because of their shame.
Van: I have a little saying that I’ve memorized for whenever I’m about to kick Bill’s butt again: Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”
It’s on.
Denver at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Kansas City
BMIL has a friend in Kansas City who prays a lot. Lou. She doubts Lou prays for the Chiefs, exactly, but he recently moved there and so the general positivity in the city is greatly improved. I cannot imagine the Chefs need Lou. In fact, the Chefs could probably win this game without a single Top 10 deity in their corner. Jay Cutler, Yahweh and Shiva get scrubbed by Larry Johnson, Kokopelli and Kamapua’a. The Broncos are fielding an increasingly talentless team that is completely transparent in only minutes of film study. Last week’s loss to the Lions is likely the NFL’s worst this year, and yet the Broncos have to continue to play for two more months. I am running out of Patron. Perhaps if I say “Patron” a few more times, they will sponsor me and I will have enough tequila to make it to 5-11.
Van: What…Blind Io and Offler weren’t available for mention? By the way, FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN. Now word around the campfire is that his hand-picked GM is about to get thrown under the bus, when we all know that his hand-picked GM genuflects and kisses Shanny’s Super Bowl ring before speaking. I mean, blaming Ted Sundquist for the players on this roster is like blaming Jack Dawson for the sinking of the Titanic. Like Dawson, Sundquist wasn’t driving this particular shipwreck, and, like Dawson, Sundquist is about to find out that there ain’t enough lifeboats to go around.
Buffalo at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Buffalo
According to BMIL, there is a heartiness about Buffalo that will allow them to win this game. Although virtually none of the players are from Buffalo, the fans will “throw optimism out to the team.” The distance between Buffalo and Miami is not an impediment to flying optimism, thank you for asking. Van can sing the praises of Marshawn Lynch (altogether now, second verse, same as the first), but the guy opposing defenses suddenly have to gameplan is Lee Evans, the same guy who had 5 catches for 29 yards over the first three games. If a guy wearing nothing but blue and red paint in zero degree weather can throw optimism 1395 miles, then J. P. Losman should be able to throw a little oblong ball 90 feet to Evans against an understandably demoralized Dolphins defense.
Van: Plenty of seats still left on the Marshawn Lynch bandwagon. And as happy as I am for the big rookie, it is particularly galling to me that my beloved Bears stink like Louis XIV’s Palais de Versailles (no indoor plumbing backin the day...quite fragrant when the sun was high), while former Bears head coach Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt has pulled his head from his nether regions and has Buffalo going in the right direction. It doesn’t hurt that they are playing the Dolphins, a team with nothing to recommend them beyond a favorable climate.
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Pittsburgh
BMIL says that Pittsburgh is up-and-coming. There is “reemergence power” in Pittsburgh. Her husband seems to believe that she is talking about economic revitalization, but I think that she is talking about a spiritual reemergence. I do not know what a spiritual reemergence is, but I suppose that is what they are doing in Cleveland. The Browns probably have not played for first place this late in the season since the Reagan administration (I’m going to throw that out there and let stat boy confirm or deny – I don’t actually care). They will have to wait until at least next season to do it again. Pittsburgh is a monster at home.
Van: Actually, the Browns haven’t played for first place this late in the season since the Truman administration, but they will get smacked firmly in the mouth by the bullies in Pittsburgh. By the way, “spiritual reemergence” is something that happens to Al Gore every couple of years and washed-up child stars leaving rehab…
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tennessee
This game elicited a fairly passionate response from BMIL. Apparently, on 7/7/07, 70,000 children of the lord descended upon Titan Stadium for the purpose of praying, a great whopping gathering called “The Call.” As there were so many angels present at the time, which BMIL accepts on faith as she cannot see them (although some of her friends can), she supposes that some angels might still be hanging around. Even before “The Call,” BMIL was well-disposed toward Nashville because of its prodigious production of marvelous God music. In case you have the chance to see them, they also have a band called Autovaughn, who are merely good on record but brilliant live. They do not sing about God, so I did not mention them to BMIL. David Garrard is a gametime decision, which will show us once and for all how God feels about Jacksonville. I’m taking the Jags supposing Garrard plays and because I find myself agreeing far too much with BMIL.
Van: The plays you will see run in this game were drawn in elk blood on a cavern wall by Amos Alonzo Stagg while the earth cooled…there may be no other game in history that will do as much to set offensive football back to the Pleistocene era as this game will. On the one hand, the Titans will likely run the wishbone with Vince Young and LenWhale White. On the other, the Jags might as well run the single-wing because nothing else they’ve tried is working. It sez so right here that the over/under for total quarterback passing yardage for the game is 250…considering that both teams have recently WON games where their QBs threw for 100 each, you might want to take the under. And, since defensive line berserker Marcus Stroud is serving a 4-game suspension for messing with the Flintstone Chewables, I like Tennessee to run up the gut all day long.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Baltimore
History. BMIL likes the Ravens because of history. When pressed, she supposes that things happened during the Civil War, and that the people of Baltimore consequently still carry a “warrior mode” with them. Like Buffalo’s optimism, it is freely communicable fan to player. Just when it looks like things cannot get any worse for the Ravens (who are still reeling from the Civil War), the Bengals come to town and, sure enough, things do not get any worse. The Bengals suck. I have completely run out of funny things to say about their defense. I think that their defense should stop trying to be funny – they’re like Dane Cook. They’re just annoying now. At the same time, the offense is single-handedly losing Marvin Lewis’ job. Given the injuries on defense and the necessity to sign guys off the street to start the next week, at least the defense has an excuse. The offense has succumbed to a sort of environmental malaise, which is ultimately the fault of the soon-to-be-former-head coach.
Van: Carson Palmer is Archie Manning, a great quarterback surrounded by flotsam and jetsam on his sideline. Brian Billick is self-deluded, thinking he’s some offensive genius when he took over the play-calling from Jim Fassel last season. Sure, the team did better…because he took over for Jim-Friggin-Fassel. I could bust out the plays from my old 3M Football, pull them blindfolded, and call a better game than Jim-Friggin-Fassel. The problem is that Billick’s still calling the same plays for a team unable to run them anymore. Baltimore wins, but not because of anything that they do well.
Chicago at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tie
Both of these cities have revival history (I am told). After much agonizing, BMIL admitted that she was torn because she was born in Oakland and her father was born in Chicago. The two are matched in “ghetto and revival” and so will tie. I am thinking the Raiders are a little more ghetto than the Bears. After showing signs of life, the Raiders are on an alarming downward trend, capped last week by Sage Rosenfels badly outplaying Josh McCown (ow, stop it, ow, stop it, ow, stop it). The best evidence that the Raiders will lose, though, is Lane Kiffin’s big swingin’ declaration that he will be kicking to Devin Hester, another irrefutable proof that brains are inversely proportional to balls.
Van: I want to pick my boys. I really do. But when I see that the warranty has expired on Brian Griese, when I see that Cedric Benson is unlikely to top 1000 yards in a 16 game season (he’s not even averaging 60 yards per game), when I see that 9-time Pro Bowl guard Ruben Brown is out for the season, I see an offense that is going to get pillaged by a very underrated Oakland defensive line. Sure, you say Josh McCown, I say Cade McNown, but the Raiders have a better running game, Daunte Culpepper is available, and, well, my Bears suck worse than the black hole at the heart of the Crab Nebula.
Indianapolis at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: San Diego
BMIL likes San Diego because they have been suffering and this is their chance to recover. She is not even talking about the nearly three bills Adrian Peterson laid on that defense last week (Dear Chicago Bears – It has come to our attention that you have been missing Ron Rivera. For a mere $19.99 plus shipping and handling, you can have him back. But wait! Act now and we will send you a bonus head coach! That’s right! For only $19.99 we will send you both the defensive coordinator of your former glory and a bona fide National Football League head coach, complete with pictures of himself holding aloft the Lombardi Trophy! Use him as a ticket-taker, nacho vendor, or paperweight! Don’t delay, order today!). In the much-anticipated showdown of Boo Boo the Fool and Norv the *&%$ing Idiot Turner, Boo Boo won because he gave his stud the ball. See? Was it really that hard? Joe Addai ran roughshod over the Patriots, so he has to be giggling through film sessions all week. The Chargers’ suffering has not yet begun. Is it possible that 7-9 wins the AFC West?
Van: Funny you mention 7-9, because that will probably be the Seahawks’ record when they win the NFC West. Indianapolis gets Marvin Harrison back this week; that ain’t good for the Chargers, because the Colts damn near beat the Patriots without Harrison last weekend. Having Harrison back only further accentuates the graphic differences between these two teams. The Chargers traded for Chris Chambers and called that an upgrade…yeeesh. That’s only because Vincent Jackson and Samie (learn to spell it, bonehead) Parker couldn’t catch fire if you soaked them in napalm and threw them a lit match. If there’s any “good’ news concerning Norv The Idiot Turner’s refusal to use LaDainian Tomlinson, it’s that he’s saving LT’s legs for the next head coach. There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking a coach why Boo Boo The Fool kept giving Adrian Peterson the rock; apparently, he was concerned that the kid might get tired after running up and down the field all day.
posted by van walker | 12:31 AM
1 Comments:
It occurred to me that, in true Eastern Conference hockey fashion, I could simply play the trap and mirror Van's picks for the rest of the season and beat both of you.
It also occurred to me my brother should lose an infinite number of points for not querying his MIL about football where I could see it. However, in keeping with tradition and the unwritten rules, I'm only deducting one point.
Van gets a point, as always, for the Terry Pratchett reference.
Bill gets a point for spelling "Pleiades" right.
Van loses a point for never, ever, not once coming up with a viable alternative to Mike Shanahan, yet continuing to call for his dismissal/resignation/beheading.
Near as I can tell, Hex is still one up on both of you and he's not even playing.
Does it seem like someone doesn't have a lot of faith in the Ravens' D?:
(Part of the injury report on TJ Houshmandzadeh) He is a No. 1 Fantasy WR and should be started in all leagues in Week 10 against the Ravens. It appears as though he will be on the field.
Post a Comment
<< Home