Quick Slants - Week 12

This just in – Mike Shanahan is stupid as hell.

No. Really. Mike Shana – excuse me, Devin Hester just scored again.

Again.

No. Really. Devin Hester just scored again.

For all of those writing about how the Donkeys’ special teams coaches should fall on their swords for kicking to Devin Hester, I have four little words.

Shut. The. Hell. Up.

Last time I checked, Mike Shanahan is the Grand Poobah and Qwisatz Haderach of all things Donkey Football. Last I checked, Mike Shenanigans-again-and-again was given carte blanche to run the franchise after he got John Elway pointed the right direction during St. John’s final seasons.

Last I checked, the special teams coaches answered to Shanahan.

Excuse me – Devin Hester just scored again...although only the Bronco coaches are surprised.

Just so we’re clear on this: Devin Hester has been a professional football player for all of 15 months, all in the NFL.

The man has returned 10 kickoffs and punts for touchdowns in those 15 months.

For those of you scoring at home, congratulations.

For those of you waiting for the other shoe to drop, 10 kickoff/punt returns for touchdowns is already 4th all-time.

For those of you waiting for the other SOCK to drop, two (!!) kickoff/punt returns in the same game is Numero Uno all-time, and the man has now done it twice.

TWICE.

All-time.

As in: Rick Upchurch (Donkey fans prostrate themselves), Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, “Neon” Deion Sanders, and...dare we say it...Gale Sayers.

As in: Gale Sayers, the Hall of Famer, is now second (!!) on the all-time Chicago Bears list to Devin “History” Hester.

The man is statistically and visually better than Gale-Friggin-Sayers and you kicked the ball to him anyway.

Bill Cower can’t rescue this franchise soon enough.

MEANWHILE, in other news:

Now we know why Bill Belichick keeps his foot on the gas all game.

On any given Sunday, if this were a lesser team playing for lesser goals, the Patriots lose and no one hates them for it.

But this team is now used to playing all 60 minutes, whether their opponents did or not.

This team is used to giving maximum effort all the time, when they are tired, when they are hurting...when they know they can sack out for the next four weeks and still make the playoffs, likely with a first round bye anyway.

This team has played every down of every game this season like they were losing in the fourth quarter, like they actually were against a game Philadelphia squad in an actual game.

We should not wonder that they won. We should wonder that their effort has not flagged in this, their 11th game of the season.

It’s not just that the Pats are good. Hell, the Jag-wires are good if records mean anything. It’s that the Pats are committed to playing tackle football for 60 full minutes.

That is why they will go undefeated. Through 660 minutes of football, they have given less than their maximum effort in exactly 0 (ZEE-RO) of those minutes.

Perfection is less a record than a mindset.

If quarterbacks were stocks, I’d throw the mortgage on Derek Anderson’s next contract.

Kolby Smith is part of the answer to the following question:

“Why is it butt-stupid to give veteran running backs biiiiig contracts or contract extensions?”

Because Kolby Smith and Andre Hall can walk in from the scout team and get 100 yards in an NFL football game.

Apparently, only the Chicago Bears (Gale Sayers, Walter Payton) can’t find a guy worth 80 yards a game these days...

Just so we’re all clear on this, I called the current Lions El Foldo three weeks ago, when they were all 6-2 and looking positively playoff-ish. (Thanks, Coach Mora.)

If the Iggles could hold New England to 31 on a bad day and almost win, what does a bad Patriot day mean to a good Dallas or Green Bay squad?

A wiseguy’s dream of a Super Bowl betting line.

That’s if New England gets there, that is...word around the campfire is that the Colts are, uh, kinda urinated about people disrespecting them, even though they are doing what really good teams do: beat bad teams and good teams and everyone not named New England.

The Saints beat the Panthers and no one noticed; not that they should’ve...

The Cleveland Browns are the best thing to happen to football since last year’s Saints...except they won’t get as far.

Deucedly cleverly scheduling from the NFL, keeping the Browns in the AFC...

Bumblebees fly and the Jaguars are 8-3.

No one knows why either of the above is true.

So, what happens now that the Giants crapped their drawers against Minnesota?

Does that mean that Tampa Bay is the new NFC Gamma Dawg to Dallas’ Alpha and Green Bay’s Beta?

For a Gamma Dawg, they sure don’t look all swole up and green to me...unless one assumes that they’re dead and bloated (Thanks, Stone Temple Pilots).

Let me get this straight: in the same calendar year, the Cleveland Cavaliers go to the NBA Finals and the Cleveland Indians go to the World Series.

And the Browns have waaay more than a pulse right now...

...Just sayin’...

How much does one player mean to a team? Ask the Carolina Panthers, adrift ever since Jake Delhomme broke, or the Houston Texans, who might have been the Browns this season if Andre Johnson could’ve played in more games...

...or ask the Tennessee Titans.

With contract-year Albert Haynesworth out of the lineup, the team has lost 3 games in a row and has looked progressively worse in each loss. Apparently, the only way they can win is by last year’s Bears formula: the defense pitches a shutout and the offense tries not to tie its shoelaces together.

But no Haynesworth suddenly makes their defense soft. And the offense is incapable of doing anything offensive.

This guy could be defensive player of the year for missing a quarter of the season...

Remember back when Joe Gibbs’ offense scored virtually at will, with almost anyone at QB?

Apparently, he doesn't.

...and I’m OUT like Cedric Benson...punk...