Week 16 Prognostications - Steroids? What Steroids? Ohhhhh, You Mean THESE Steroids...
So, I have this confession to make…
I read the Mitchell report. I did not read any of the little abstracts, I did not listen to commentary, I read the thing. I read it, and I thought, “What a bunch of witless crap.” Besides being poorly written, it was a combination of rehashing the obvious to get to a triple-digit page count and some fairly uninteresting tabloidism. This was not an investigation. This was not journalism. This was not even entertaining.
And yet…
In the aftermath, the misfit toys are crawling out from the shadows to own up to exactly what was in the report and not a speck more. How many times will we get the pleasure of hearing some variation of “Yes, I did it once and it was a horrible decision. I am very sorry.”
Van: About as many times as we got blanket denials before names got named.
Clearly baseball fans are pretty thick, otherwise they would not slavishly pursue such a deathly boring game, but even the blindest must see that there is no way everybody in baseball took a single syringe of HGH. My father used to get mad at me, not so much because I was lying but because I apparently thought he was a complete idiot.
Van: Of course baseball fans are complete idiots, and I am tarring myself with the same brush. We should have learned after 1994, when the used car salesman cancelled the friggin’ World Series, but nooooo…we should have learned when baseball players who used to look like lab assistants started looking like linebackers, but nooooo…We should learn every time a team like Florida or Oakland has a fire sale because they can’t afford to match what the Yankees or the Red Sox will offer their soon-to-be free agents, but noooo…
So, baseball, have a seat. We need to talk. I am very disappointed in you…
Meanwhile, back here at the Posedown, I will attempt to surmount Van’s insurmountable lead. I surmount like no other.
Fire in the hole.
The Giants at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
After accepting that I have been baselessly defending Eli Manning for more than a year, I watched the Giants this past weekend, and they are not very good. Eli truly does suck. Now that I am admitting this, I remember an article about Danny Ainge’s braintyping specialist, who noted before the 2005 draft that Peyton had the perfect brain type for a quarterback, but that Eli would never be any good because he did not. After watching the boy for the last few weeks, who among us could argue that there is something wrong with his brain?
Van: Making matters worse for the G-men, Jeremy Shockey is done for the season…not that he was used that much by Eli in the first place, mind you, but it’s still a big loss. This team is getting banged up at precisely the wrong time of the year, and let’s not forget that they still haven’t clinched anything. If I’m Tom Coughlin, I pull out whatever stops that remain, because there’s no way I want to depend upon beating New England in the last game of the season to make the playoffs.
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
The first game between these teams was a like a futurist painting – like “Dynamism of a Bright Orange Offense,” a bunch of drug-induced swipes of orange across a canvas representing a whole lot of offense whizzing by with no mention or representation of defense. This week, the defense will be delivered in equal measure by the weather and the Bungle’ apathy. Since both of these create drag on Cincinnati but only one encumbers Cleveland…Cleveland wins through superior aerodynamics.
Van: I absolutely love the Queen City Kitties to lose this game. There’s no stinkin’ way they muster up the sand to beat a Cleveland team that’s on a mission to make the playoffs. Rudi Johnson is already moaning about his hammy flaring up, and both Whosyamama and Ocho Stinko were seen yelling at Carson Palmer last weekend. Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, gets to see a defense that wants no parts of trying to tackle him; these are a bunch of guys that will wait for help before committing to bringing him down. That means another 150-yard, two TD day for the guy that Jim Brown his own self called a “bowling ball” back in training camp. Turns out the greatest running back ever was right.
Houston at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
It’s 11 o’clock in Indianapolis and it’s time to roll up the sidewalks. Nothing in this world as sad as a Colts team that knows where it’s going to be the second week of the playoffs. If this game is played in Week 5 with absolutely everything else being equal, Indianapolis wins. This week, they only win if they want to, and we do learn from history. They don’t.
Van: I want to pick Houston. I really, really do. I just can’t see this happening. It’s not a question of Jim Sorgi actually breaking a sweat in a for-real game, it’s Kenton Keith. He’s like the bootleg, Hack-Intosh version of Joseph Addai, which means that the Colts can still pound the football all day without getting key people injured. Besides, aren’t the Colts undefeated against Houston? I’m thinking they don’t want to lay down against these guys just because they can’t improve their playoff slot.
Oakland at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Improbably, not one single Jagwad made the AFC Pro Bowl Team. Jack Del Rio needs to call Bill Belichick and find out how to turn this into a fifty point win.
Van: Poor, poor Oakland. This Jag-Wires team has teeth and a really bad attitude. Fred Taylor and Mo-Jo Drew make a perfect complement to ball-control expert David Garrard, and the defense has more than made up for the loss of Marcus Stroud. The Raiders are going to get savaged because, well, that’s just how Jacksonville rolls. Win or lose, they fight like grizzlies protecting cubs. It sez so right here that they don’t bother waking Al up for this one.
Miami at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Coming into this game on their longest winning streak of the season, the Fish could not possibly be in any better position to upend the mighty Patriots. Consequently, it may be a surprise to them when they get spanked. Actually, this game will be close in the same way that the Jets game was, leaving the barbarians at the gates howling for the head of Bill Belichick for another week. When he does finally throw out a head, don’t be surprised if it’s yours. Or Eric Mangini’s.
Van: This game might have actually had some intrigue if Miami had rolled into Foxboro winless. Or, then again, maybe not. New England hasn’t just beaten teams this season, they have dismissed them. Ignored them. Last week’s beating of the Jets wasn’t personal; it was just one more box checked in the left column. This week’s beating of Miami will be similarly emotionless, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get out of hand. The Pats will be about as emotional as a locomotive…and just about as unstoppable.
The Jets at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
The Tuxedoes’ fanatical determination to lose their playoff spot hits a speed bump this week in the J!E!T!S! Somehow, the former Tyrants must overcome their delusions adequacy for long enough to keep from stepping on their own…erm, stuff for sixty whole minutes. I don’t think they can, but maybe all it will take is about thirty-five, forty-five minutes.
Van: The Jets don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Titans don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Jets have a so-so running game. The Titans have a pretty good running game…as long as someone remembers to leave McDonald’s wrappers in the end zone for LenWhale White to smell. Still, they are at home, and the Jets don’t have any particular reason to win, as Eric Mangini is likely to get fired anyway (really, the only difference between 3-13 and 5-11 is draft position). Tennessee believes themselves to be in the thick of the AFC wildcard chase, deluded though they are, so they are likely to give a bit more effort.
Denver at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Oh, goody. ‘Long about the time that Norv The #$&*ing Idiot Turner figures out that LaDainian Tomlinson is good, the Donkeys roll into town. Cue “Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” – the same Donkeys that already gave up 41 points to the Bolts at Invesco…the same horrible defense that gave up seven touchdowns to LT in two games last year…man, I can’t wait. And on national television, too. Maybe I will start drinking now. The only thing that could make this better would be…oh, wait. I will already be at the in-laws.
Van: And the wheels are coming off for the Broncos. Exactly what the hell is Brandon Marshall running his yap about? It can’t be that the offense doesn’t come to him enough…hell, he’s pretty much the whole shootin’ match these days. Travis Henry returns from a cloud of reefer smoke, while Todd “The Dumbest Man Alive” Sauerbrun gets his walking papers from this team AGAIN. It won’t matter that LT hates, and I mean HATES, Philip Rivers. It won’t matter that the Bolts defense scares no one but themselves. This Bronco team has Q.U.I.T. How else does one explain that utter prison-raping they took from Houston (!!) last weekend? As far as they are concerned, their lockers are already cleared out and the cars are already loaded, and the last game of the season can’t get here soon enough.
I read the Mitchell report. I did not read any of the little abstracts, I did not listen to commentary, I read the thing. I read it, and I thought, “What a bunch of witless crap.” Besides being poorly written, it was a combination of rehashing the obvious to get to a triple-digit page count and some fairly uninteresting tabloidism. This was not an investigation. This was not journalism. This was not even entertaining.
And yet…
In the aftermath, the misfit toys are crawling out from the shadows to own up to exactly what was in the report and not a speck more. How many times will we get the pleasure of hearing some variation of “Yes, I did it once and it was a horrible decision. I am very sorry.”
Van: About as many times as we got blanket denials before names got named.
Clearly baseball fans are pretty thick, otherwise they would not slavishly pursue such a deathly boring game, but even the blindest must see that there is no way everybody in baseball took a single syringe of HGH. My father used to get mad at me, not so much because I was lying but because I apparently thought he was a complete idiot.
Van: Of course baseball fans are complete idiots, and I am tarring myself with the same brush. We should have learned after 1994, when the used car salesman cancelled the friggin’ World Series, but nooooo…we should have learned when baseball players who used to look like lab assistants started looking like linebackers, but nooooo…We should learn every time a team like Florida or Oakland has a fire sale because they can’t afford to match what the Yankees or the Red Sox will offer their soon-to-be free agents, but noooo…
So, baseball, have a seat. We need to talk. I am very disappointed in you…
Meanwhile, back here at the Posedown, I will attempt to surmount Van’s insurmountable lead. I surmount like no other.
Fire in the hole.
The Giants at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
After accepting that I have been baselessly defending Eli Manning for more than a year, I watched the Giants this past weekend, and they are not very good. Eli truly does suck. Now that I am admitting this, I remember an article about Danny Ainge’s braintyping specialist, who noted before the 2005 draft that Peyton had the perfect brain type for a quarterback, but that Eli would never be any good because he did not. After watching the boy for the last few weeks, who among us could argue that there is something wrong with his brain?
Van: Making matters worse for the G-men, Jeremy Shockey is done for the season…not that he was used that much by Eli in the first place, mind you, but it’s still a big loss. This team is getting banged up at precisely the wrong time of the year, and let’s not forget that they still haven’t clinched anything. If I’m Tom Coughlin, I pull out whatever stops that remain, because there’s no way I want to depend upon beating New England in the last game of the season to make the playoffs.
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
The first game between these teams was a like a futurist painting – like “Dynamism of a Bright Orange Offense,” a bunch of drug-induced swipes of orange across a canvas representing a whole lot of offense whizzing by with no mention or representation of defense. This week, the defense will be delivered in equal measure by the weather and the Bungle’ apathy. Since both of these create drag on Cincinnati but only one encumbers Cleveland…Cleveland wins through superior aerodynamics.
Van: I absolutely love the Queen City Kitties to lose this game. There’s no stinkin’ way they muster up the sand to beat a Cleveland team that’s on a mission to make the playoffs. Rudi Johnson is already moaning about his hammy flaring up, and both Whosyamama and Ocho Stinko were seen yelling at Carson Palmer last weekend. Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, gets to see a defense that wants no parts of trying to tackle him; these are a bunch of guys that will wait for help before committing to bringing him down. That means another 150-yard, two TD day for the guy that Jim Brown his own self called a “bowling ball” back in training camp. Turns out the greatest running back ever was right.
Houston at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
It’s 11 o’clock in Indianapolis and it’s time to roll up the sidewalks. Nothing in this world as sad as a Colts team that knows where it’s going to be the second week of the playoffs. If this game is played in Week 5 with absolutely everything else being equal, Indianapolis wins. This week, they only win if they want to, and we do learn from history. They don’t.
Van: I want to pick Houston. I really, really do. I just can’t see this happening. It’s not a question of Jim Sorgi actually breaking a sweat in a for-real game, it’s Kenton Keith. He’s like the bootleg, Hack-Intosh version of Joseph Addai, which means that the Colts can still pound the football all day without getting key people injured. Besides, aren’t the Colts undefeated against Houston? I’m thinking they don’t want to lay down against these guys just because they can’t improve their playoff slot.
Oakland at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Improbably, not one single Jagwad made the AFC Pro Bowl Team. Jack Del Rio needs to call Bill Belichick and find out how to turn this into a fifty point win.
Van: Poor, poor Oakland. This Jag-Wires team has teeth and a really bad attitude. Fred Taylor and Mo-Jo Drew make a perfect complement to ball-control expert David Garrard, and the defense has more than made up for the loss of Marcus Stroud. The Raiders are going to get savaged because, well, that’s just how Jacksonville rolls. Win or lose, they fight like grizzlies protecting cubs. It sez so right here that they don’t bother waking Al up for this one.
Miami at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Coming into this game on their longest winning streak of the season, the Fish could not possibly be in any better position to upend the mighty Patriots. Consequently, it may be a surprise to them when they get spanked. Actually, this game will be close in the same way that the Jets game was, leaving the barbarians at the gates howling for the head of Bill Belichick for another week. When he does finally throw out a head, don’t be surprised if it’s yours. Or Eric Mangini’s.
Van: This game might have actually had some intrigue if Miami had rolled into Foxboro winless. Or, then again, maybe not. New England hasn’t just beaten teams this season, they have dismissed them. Ignored them. Last week’s beating of the Jets wasn’t personal; it was just one more box checked in the left column. This week’s beating of Miami will be similarly emotionless, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get out of hand. The Pats will be about as emotional as a locomotive…and just about as unstoppable.
The Jets at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
The Tuxedoes’ fanatical determination to lose their playoff spot hits a speed bump this week in the J!E!T!S! Somehow, the former Tyrants must overcome their delusions adequacy for long enough to keep from stepping on their own…erm, stuff for sixty whole minutes. I don’t think they can, but maybe all it will take is about thirty-five, forty-five minutes.
Van: The Jets don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Titans don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Jets have a so-so running game. The Titans have a pretty good running game…as long as someone remembers to leave McDonald’s wrappers in the end zone for LenWhale White to smell. Still, they are at home, and the Jets don’t have any particular reason to win, as Eric Mangini is likely to get fired anyway (really, the only difference between 3-13 and 5-11 is draft position). Tennessee believes themselves to be in the thick of the AFC wildcard chase, deluded though they are, so they are likely to give a bit more effort.
Denver at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Oh, goody. ‘Long about the time that Norv The #$&*ing Idiot Turner figures out that LaDainian Tomlinson is good, the Donkeys roll into town. Cue “Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” – the same Donkeys that already gave up 41 points to the Bolts at Invesco…the same horrible defense that gave up seven touchdowns to LT in two games last year…man, I can’t wait. And on national television, too. Maybe I will start drinking now. The only thing that could make this better would be…oh, wait. I will already be at the in-laws.
Van: And the wheels are coming off for the Broncos. Exactly what the hell is Brandon Marshall running his yap about? It can’t be that the offense doesn’t come to him enough…hell, he’s pretty much the whole shootin’ match these days. Travis Henry returns from a cloud of reefer smoke, while Todd “The Dumbest Man Alive” Sauerbrun gets his walking papers from this team AGAIN. It won’t matter that LT hates, and I mean HATES, Philip Rivers. It won’t matter that the Bolts defense scares no one but themselves. This Bronco team has Q.U.I.T. How else does one explain that utter prison-raping they took from Houston (!!) last weekend? As far as they are concerned, their lockers are already cleared out and the cars are already loaded, and the last game of the season can’t get here soon enough.
Labels: beatdowns in general, Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 12:54 AM
1 Comments:
So the travel schedule, the holiday schedule, this constant Thursday football schedule... yeah, I got more excuses where that came from. Most of them involve a certain time of the month, so I'll save them for when I need trump cards.
I miss you guys. A hundred points for everyone! Or maybe it's just the Vanilla Vodka Cream stuff talking! In any case, Happy Holidays to Walkers everywhere!
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