Week 13 Prognostications - Bill Makes A Candide Reference...Geez

Van and I are up early this week to accommodate an NFL game you probably cannot watch. Allow me to make some suggestions as to what you might substitute:

1. With a little channel-jumping, you could go right from What’s New Scooby Doo? (BOOM) to Pinky and the Brain (Disney) to Duck Dodgers (BOOM) to SpongeBob (Nickelodeon).
2. The Cave – I have never heard of this movie, but the description goes, “Deadly monsters hunt members of an exploration team within a vast network of caverns beneath the Carpathian Mountains.” How great does that sound? Morris Chestnut and Cole Hauser are in it, too. It’s on Channel 20 in Denver, so you may have to search for it a bit in your market.
3. The Good Times marathon on TV Land. Dynomite.
4. The Biography of Guns n’ Roses on the Biography channel. Its genre is listed as education.
5. Home Alone 4 on ABC Family. Seriously, there is a Home Alone 4, and it has two and a half stars.

Van: Amazingly, I got nothin’. But I guess this is what happens when you go from one game up to three games down in the short span of a week...you get a little unhinged. To see what salt rubbed into an open wound looks like (a/k/a my picks), click here.
Onward Christian soldiers!

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
This is the classic less filling/tastes great debate between Van and I, and if he does not take Indy here, he is a miserable sell-out. Jacksonville wins ugly. Furthermore, they try to win ugly. They appear to choose their offensive personnel for the purpose of winning ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The Colts are beautiful. The Colts complete eight or ten passes a game that make the mightiest dilettantes bark, “Whoa! That was sweet!” Even their defense is pretty. It was pretty even when it was bad. You might mistake this for my own quixotic stand against aestheticism, which I acknowledge is completely my fault at this point, but in fact Indianapolis always struggles in Jacksonville. I like Indy as they get pieces back, particularly Dallas Clark, whose ability to misplace the linebacker trying to cover him in the end zone is one of the real wonders of football, but they have this last stumbling block before their late January visit to Foxboro.

Van: David Garrard has 0 interceptions in 209 pass attempts, which is good. David Garrard didn’t throw 6 picks in one game like Peyton Manning did (which is bad). Still, let there be no doubt about the superior signal-caller in this game: it is, am, are, was, and will be Peyton Manning. The Colts are better, they are at home, and they are still kinda miffed about the lack of love they aren’t getting. Woe betide the Jag-Wires.

San Diego at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Ugh. The AFC West. Van proclaimed Kolby Smith “nobody” last week shortly before he went out and hung a buck-fifty and two touchdowns on the Raiders. Nope, no conclusion on my part, I just wanted to point that out. Brodie Croyle, whom I like even though he looks pretty clueless, is hurt and might not play. Van called him “nobody,” too. So if you’re down to nobody and nobody gets hurt, who exactly do you put in the game? Me? Can I play? San Diego is now my official second-favorite NFL team because, of the four teams in this god-awful division, they have the best shot of finishing over .500. Pride, baby.

Van: This is precisely the kind of game that San Diego needs to win to take some control of their division...which is precisely why they won’t win it. This team needs to go down the yellow brick road, see the wizard, and get hearts for the players and a brain for Norv “Al Gore” Turner. Watch: these knuckleheads will put nine men in the box to stop Kolby Smith, only to get burned through the air somehow. It won’t matter. They will invent a new way to get beat.

The Jets at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: The Jets
The Dolphins are bad. This is true. They are not, however, 0-16 bad. This is a team suffering from a perfect storm of injuries, age, bad bounces and slow adjustments, but not an expansion team put together by a college coach who badly overvalued his old players (like his son – look it up). The Jets are also bad. People had great expectations for the Jets after they inexplicably went 10-6 last year, but many of us looked at them and saw no real upgrade from the 4-12 2005 team. The biggest factor in this game is that the Dolphins have to look at it and honestly believe they can win, while the Jets have to be absolutely terrified that they will be the Dolphins lone victim this year. Confidence beats abject terror. Almost every time.

Van: Right now, Eric Mangini is showing his Jets film of their surprising defeat of the Steelers, followed by film of the Steelers mud-wrestling match with the Dolphins, and he’s making one simple point: you’ve already beaten the better team. The Dolphins, meanwhile, get the benefit of Ricky Williams for six whole plays before losing him for the season and shake impotent fists at an indifferent sky. They are cursed and they know it.

Houston at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Houston
In his contract year, Albert Haynesworth has earned even more money being hurt than he has by playing. You know how you showed up at the theatre and settled down with your popcorn before you realized that they actually made Next Friday without Chris Tucker? That is how the lucky ticket holders at Titan Stadium have to feel. As the news that Haynesworth is inactive filters through the stadium, 70,000 people get whiplash adjusting their expectations at full speed.

Van: Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated made a great point about Haynesworth, that I’ll paraphrase: the man doesn’t play quarterback or coach, so why is this team 0-3 without him? Whatever’s wrong with Vince Young ain’t good, because he has become the anti-Randall Cunningham. Whatever Tennessee’s mojo was, they lost it when Fat Albert got hurt and they haven’t been the same since.

Denver at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I hope the Donkeys are less demoralized by the Bears loss than I am. I think I’m suffering from ennui. Or perhaps reality. Maybe it’s just a headache. Watching me watch the Broncos has to be like reading Candide. I have this great Panglossian faith that all we need is (insert Insipid Concern A, not nearly sufficient to make the Broncos a playoff team), when in fact (insert any of a number of injuries or general inabilities), and you are thinking, “Dude, what the hell is the matter with you that you still think Insipid Concern A is going to help? Or even happen?” While I am compulsively sitting on my couch at 2 pm MST consistently surprised at the Donkeys’ infirmities, they will be feverishly making new running backs out of Play-Doh in the back room. This season will never end. It’s like that Twilight Zone episode…

Van: So, uh, I wonder how those special teams meetings went for Denver this week? And let’s not forget, it was Dre Bly who was getting consistently and successfully picked on by Rex Grossman last week, something that Daunte Culpepper is certain to notice. Still, I like the Broncos to bounce back, if only because it won’t allow me to demand Mike Shanahan’s head for one more week.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Last week, Cincinnati found Chad Johnson. This week, Ocho Cinco finds the turf at Heinz Field. You know those desiccants that come in the packaging for new cameras and binoculars? The ones you aren’t supposed to eat? Why couldn’t they just sprinkle those all over the field? The Steelers are playing wretched football right now, but such is my distaste for the Bungles that I cannot believe in them, and poor field conditions (nobody who has ever played golf can possibly believe that some horticultural wizard can fix that grass in six days) should affect the visitors more than the homesters.

Van: “Found Chad Johnson!” “Where, dude?” “Behind the couch.” “Cool.” “I found Hare Krishna too.” “Where, under the table? Ha ha ha.” “No, dude, I really found him. My whole life is different now.” “Oh...sorry, dude.” “...PSYCHE!! I found him in a shoebox!” "Niiiiice, dude."

New England at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Somewhere along the yellow brick road, Dorothy met a couple of flying monkeys who briefly delayed her. Tom Brady is Dorothy, the Eagles are the flying monkeys, and the delay is temporary. I don’t know who the cowardly lion is. Bill Belichick is the wizard and there is no Wicked Witch of West, but the wizard keeps telling people that there is. Randy Moss is the tin man with his brand new heart. Van can be Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Van: Bert Lahr is the Cowardly Lion. Hilary Clinton hasn’t been the same since that house fell on her sister. New England wins going away...as do I, Shlub, the yak-herding lollipop kid not pictured.

Sean Taylor Is Dead

Sean Taylor is dead.

Nothing will change.

We will continue to raise a nation of bastards.

We will continue to purchase the records and images of those exhorting us to self-destruction.

We will continue to go to the corner store, play the number, get a Fo-Zero, get budded, get zooted, live meaningless lives and die worthless deaths.

Our children will continue to grow up unattended, uneducated, and unable to see beyond the boundaries of a prison/gangsta lifestyle.

Our women will continue to play willing breeders to ignorant, uneducated, criminal profligates.

Our "men" will continue to sire progeny with no thought for what happens after the sex act is completed beyond "holla back atcha boy."

Our children will continue to sample from the buffet of drugs available to them because there are no adults telling them otherwise.

Our children will continue to sample from the buffet of drugs available to them because all they see are adults doing those same drugs in front of them.

We will continue to demand rights that we have no right to demand.

We will continue to blame white people dead for six or seven generations for things that were never done to us personally.

Here's a hint: THE GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN OF THE LAST OF THE SLAVEHOLDERS ARE ALL DEAD.

Here's another one: slavery, Jim Crow, and segregation did not stop a man from achieving.

Frederick Douglass, an escaped slave, became one of our nation's greatest abolitionist orators in the midst of the federal and legal fact of slavery.

Therefore, I will here nothing from MC Such-And-Such who dropped out of high school because "the white kids in the 'burbs had laptops and we only had water-stained dictionaries."

Malcolm X had a dictionary as well.

But our children will not read.

They won't read because their parents and grandparents did not read.

They will not read because their great-grandmother, 44 years old and on disability, did not read.

They will have cell phones.

They will have Prada and Nike.

They will have Jordans (23" rims on their cars) and their rides will bang (500 watts in the trunk).

They will dance to Souljah Boy.

They will smoke the herb and sell the rock to their own children.

They will continue to fill our prisons...deservedly so.

The next man who says that blacks are overrepresented in prison gets kicked in the nuts by me, followed closely by a night spent on the corner of 6 Mile and Gratiot in Detroit.

Should said idiot survive to the next morning, he will become the J. Paul Getty of building super-max prisons.

He would be right to do so.

My people are a nation of drunks, drug addicts, whores, profligates, bastards, rapists, thieves, drug dealers, and murderers...and we are stupid enough to believe that this is a good thing.

If you don't believe me, please check out the lyrics of the latest rap album of your choice.

Sean Taylor is dead.

Not a damn thing will change.

And just so you know, I burned my James Brown pass on the way out, and the only way I'm coming back is with an airstrike.

Sean Taylor is dead.

Y'all can have it.

I'm out.

Quick Slants - Week 12

This just in – Mike Shanahan is stupid as hell.

No. Really. Mike Shana – excuse me, Devin Hester just scored again.

Again.

No. Really. Devin Hester just scored again.

For all of those writing about how the Donkeys’ special teams coaches should fall on their swords for kicking to Devin Hester, I have four little words.

Shut. The. Hell. Up.

Last time I checked, Mike Shanahan is the Grand Poobah and Qwisatz Haderach of all things Donkey Football. Last I checked, Mike Shenanigans-again-and-again was given carte blanche to run the franchise after he got John Elway pointed the right direction during St. John’s final seasons.

Last I checked, the special teams coaches answered to Shanahan.

Excuse me – Devin Hester just scored again...although only the Bronco coaches are surprised.

Just so we’re clear on this: Devin Hester has been a professional football player for all of 15 months, all in the NFL.

The man has returned 10 kickoffs and punts for touchdowns in those 15 months.

For those of you scoring at home, congratulations.

For those of you waiting for the other shoe to drop, 10 kickoff/punt returns for touchdowns is already 4th all-time.

For those of you waiting for the other SOCK to drop, two (!!) kickoff/punt returns in the same game is Numero Uno all-time, and the man has now done it twice.

TWICE.

All-time.

As in: Rick Upchurch (Donkey fans prostrate themselves), Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, “Neon” Deion Sanders, and...dare we say it...Gale Sayers.

As in: Gale Sayers, the Hall of Famer, is now second (!!) on the all-time Chicago Bears list to Devin “History” Hester.

The man is statistically and visually better than Gale-Friggin-Sayers and you kicked the ball to him anyway.

Bill Cower can’t rescue this franchise soon enough.

MEANWHILE, in other news:

Now we know why Bill Belichick keeps his foot on the gas all game.

On any given Sunday, if this were a lesser team playing for lesser goals, the Patriots lose and no one hates them for it.

But this team is now used to playing all 60 minutes, whether their opponents did or not.

This team is used to giving maximum effort all the time, when they are tired, when they are hurting...when they know they can sack out for the next four weeks and still make the playoffs, likely with a first round bye anyway.

This team has played every down of every game this season like they were losing in the fourth quarter, like they actually were against a game Philadelphia squad in an actual game.

We should not wonder that they won. We should wonder that their effort has not flagged in this, their 11th game of the season.

It’s not just that the Pats are good. Hell, the Jag-wires are good if records mean anything. It’s that the Pats are committed to playing tackle football for 60 full minutes.

That is why they will go undefeated. Through 660 minutes of football, they have given less than their maximum effort in exactly 0 (ZEE-RO) of those minutes.

Perfection is less a record than a mindset.

If quarterbacks were stocks, I’d throw the mortgage on Derek Anderson’s next contract.

Kolby Smith is part of the answer to the following question:

“Why is it butt-stupid to give veteran running backs biiiiig contracts or contract extensions?”

Because Kolby Smith and Andre Hall can walk in from the scout team and get 100 yards in an NFL football game.

Apparently, only the Chicago Bears (Gale Sayers, Walter Payton) can’t find a guy worth 80 yards a game these days...

Just so we’re all clear on this, I called the current Lions El Foldo three weeks ago, when they were all 6-2 and looking positively playoff-ish. (Thanks, Coach Mora.)

If the Iggles could hold New England to 31 on a bad day and almost win, what does a bad Patriot day mean to a good Dallas or Green Bay squad?

A wiseguy’s dream of a Super Bowl betting line.

That’s if New England gets there, that is...word around the campfire is that the Colts are, uh, kinda urinated about people disrespecting them, even though they are doing what really good teams do: beat bad teams and good teams and everyone not named New England.

The Saints beat the Panthers and no one noticed; not that they should’ve...

The Cleveland Browns are the best thing to happen to football since last year’s Saints...except they won’t get as far.

Deucedly cleverly scheduling from the NFL, keeping the Browns in the AFC...

Bumblebees fly and the Jaguars are 8-3.

No one knows why either of the above is true.

So, what happens now that the Giants crapped their drawers against Minnesota?

Does that mean that Tampa Bay is the new NFC Gamma Dawg to Dallas’ Alpha and Green Bay’s Beta?

For a Gamma Dawg, they sure don’t look all swole up and green to me...unless one assumes that they’re dead and bloated (Thanks, Stone Temple Pilots).

Let me get this straight: in the same calendar year, the Cleveland Cavaliers go to the NBA Finals and the Cleveland Indians go to the World Series.

And the Browns have waaay more than a pulse right now...

...Just sayin’...

How much does one player mean to a team? Ask the Carolina Panthers, adrift ever since Jake Delhomme broke, or the Houston Texans, who might have been the Browns this season if Andre Johnson could’ve played in more games...

...or ask the Tennessee Titans.

With contract-year Albert Haynesworth out of the lineup, the team has lost 3 games in a row and has looked progressively worse in each loss. Apparently, the only way they can win is by last year’s Bears formula: the defense pitches a shutout and the offense tries not to tie its shoelaces together.

But no Haynesworth suddenly makes their defense soft. And the offense is incapable of doing anything offensive.

This guy could be defensive player of the year for missing a quarter of the season...

Remember back when Joe Gibbs’ offense scored virtually at will, with almost anyone at QB?

Apparently, he doesn't.

...and I’m OUT like Cedric Benson...punk...

Quick Slants - Stuff To Be Thankful For

I am personally thankful for each and every one of the following:

That my name isn’t Barry Bonds or Michael Vick.

That I’m nowhere near a retail outlet of any sort on the day after Thanksgiving.

That I’m not in charge of spinning Nick Saban’s latest verbal gaffe.

That, of all the names that will be published in George Mitchell’s report on steroids in baseball, mine won’t be one of them.

That I’m not a member of the Philadelphia Eagles and traveling to Foxboro this weekend.

That I’m not Isaiah Thomas.

That it ain’t me getting blowed up by Mo-Jo Drew on Youtube.

That I’m not Scott Boras.

That I’m not Stephon Marbury.

That I’m not the guy who signed Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson to big money contract extensions.

That I’m not the guy who gave Ahman Green a big ol’ pile of cash.

That I’m not the head coach of the worst Notre Dame football team in school history.

That I’m not Lloyd Carr.

That I’ll only get about a billion fewer questions about coaching at Michigan than Les Miles will.

That I have never driven to Wendy’s naked and drunk.

That I don’t have 9 different children by 9 different women.

That I’m not about to serve a 4 game suspension for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not being reinstated to the worst team in history after being suspended for smoking the herb.

That I’m not the guy paying A-Rod $275 million over the next 10 years.

That I’m not a Bulls season ticket holder.

That I’m not the guy who had to set the largest point spread in NFL history and get his bosses to sign off on it.

That I’m not the guy who signed off on the largest point spread in NFL history.

That I don’t own the Vikings, Adrian Peterson notwithstanding.

That I don’t own the Supersonics, Kevin Durant notwithstanding.

That I’m not a Steinbrenner heir...as far as I know...

That I’m not the guy who has to revise all those Elias Baseball Abstracts when Barry Bonds does a perp walk and gets the Kennesaw Mountain Landis boot.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig.

That I’m not Bud Selig. (Trust me, it bore repeating.)

That our next president will not be a woman.

That I don’t live in Los Angeles, the second-largest market in the U.S., and no pro football team to speak of, U.S.C. notwithstanding.

That I don’t have to share a locker room with Kobe Bryant.

That I haven’t won the Tour De France in the last decade.

That I haven’t won a gold medal in the Olympics in anything in the last two decades.

That I’m not the damn near unintelligible NFL analyst Emmitt Smith, an alleged Florida graduate.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for putting the NHL into WitSec with The Erasernator.

That I don’t live in a state that has twice elected actors (!!) as Republican governors.

That I don’t hang out with Pac-Man Jones, not even on accident.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the abortion otherwise known as “D-War.”

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the crowd noise in Indianapolis.

That I’m not whoever was responsible for releasing “Grindhouse” on Easter Weekend...I mean, really...

That I’m not whoever was responsible for the Homeland Security Department (gee, thanks a bunch, Dubya...idiot).

That I’m not the Republican that will lose by 48 states in the next presidential election.

That I’m not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted the U.S.’s most dangerous city...

That I'm not one of the few remaining thousands ducking the hail of bullets in Detroit, recently voted as the U.S.'s second-most dangerous city, after, of course, Detroit.

That I'm not looking for a house, a car, or a job in Detroit.

That this isn’t a political column.

Sometimes.

That I’m not the guy who has to live with banning alcohol on team flights and sponsorships from Anheuser-Busch and Miller...not that there’s a conflict of interest or anything, I’m just sayin’...

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder.

That I’m not a New York Knicks season ticket holder. (See Selig, Bud.)

That NASCAR will never overtake MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) in the public eye, because if there’s one thing that rednecks love more than pro wrestling and flaming car wrecks, it’s genuine and bloody whupass on pay-per-view.

And finally, that for all of my carping, sports remain a refuge in a vast sea of entertainment “meh” because I remain fully convinced that at least some of the people are trying some of the time.

Don’t believe me? Just ask that helmet-shaped bruise in the middle of Shawne Merriman’s rib cage...heh heh heh...

Week 12 Prognostications - Turkey Day Special

Van would like to apologize publicly for all past disrespect of Bill. He acknowledges Bill’s superior knowledge of football as well as his superior mastery of the English language. All this time, Van has been jealous of Bill’s triple-digit IQ, his literary bent and his freedom. And now he must be jealous of Bill’s lead.

Attorney for Van: Mr. Walker stipulates to the fact that Bill is in front. He’d speak for himself, Your Honor, but he’s too busy frothing at the mouth right now.

I shot the Sheriff. There is a new Sheriff in town. Long live the Sheriff.

Totally unrelated: Barry Bonds is a jerk. News flash. But seriously, folks -

Jimmy Rollins beat Matt Holliday for the NL MVP by 17 points, the closest race since 1991, when Terry Pendleton beat Barry Bonds by 15. That’s the jerk margin. He would obviously claim not to care, but if Bonds is an even marginally more pleasant human being, he picks up another MVP.

Van: See, that’s where you make your mistake; you assumed Bonds was human in the first place.

Jason Giambi. Anyone mad at Jason Giambi? Anyone? OK, anyone who is not a Yankees fan?

Finally, do you think the grand jury that finally saw fit to indict Bonds after being convened for like 15 years would have stayed convened so long if Bonds did not allow his BFF to rot in jail that whole time?

Van: Y’know, you could work up a pretty cool Nice Guy Eddie rant about Bonds’ boy sitting in jail instead of singing, but I’m thinking that there used to be a very large cashier’s check waiting for him…alas and alack, the grand jury indicted Bonds anyway, so he ended up doing time for nothing. Bonehead.

And do you think Bonds has a chance in hell of getting off?

Van: He has the same chance that you have of repeating last week’s miracle…but hey, two more and you qualify for sainthood. Me? I’ll stick to outpicking you this week.

Meanwhile, Van’s time is about up. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Boom.

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Tyrants got a right to be hostile. See, I have heard of Glenn Martinez and Andre Hall by virtue of being trapped in this media market, but the Titans probably had not. They probably have not heard of any of the Bungles’ linebackers, either, but I doubt that this will come back to haunt them. The Tyrants are mad. Hurt. Humiliated. The Bungles? They just won, like, two weeks ago. They are not due again until Week 15 at San Francisco. Put the Bungles down for 4-11 and wake me up for the Miami game. Still undecided on that one. Did you see that Pacman Jones and Albert Haynesworth got in a fight somewhere? Do you suppose that both of them had some pent-up aggression, saw the other and thought, “here is the only guy in the world that I can fight and people will not automatically assume it is my fault”?

Van: Vince Young is brutal. Right now, the only quarterback worse than him in the entire NFL is Alex Smith. As abysmal as that sounds, that also means that Joey Harrington, David Carr, and any of the clowns in Minnesota are better than Vince Young. Vince Young is doing for the Titans defense what Rex Grossman does for the Bears defense…or, if you prefer, what cirrhosis does for a liver. There is no stinkin’ way the Titans should have lost to Gil Grissom Shanahan and the CSI Broncos last weekend, what with the coach using lie detectors and monitoring hair samples…what’s next? Gas chromatography? The Broncos are a hot mess, and they stomped a mudhole into the Titans last weekend. The Queen City Kitties are equally a hot mess, but with a much better QB in Carson Palmer, and Tennessee gets bounced again.

Houston at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Rosario Dawson and Monica Bellucci are standing in separate glass cases. My wife is not available at this time. Please leave a message. So, anyway, Rosario and Monica are there, neither giving me any clear indications. No licking lips, no raised eyebrows, no come hither of any kind. They both look great in their different ways, but only one is the right choice. Hard to believe, I know, but one of these is not a winner. OK, this is a bad analogy, because the Texans and Browns are really like Famke Janssen and Sonya Walger, B-list beauties for whom I have an outsized appreciation, and all this while I am completely devoted to the Broncos (hi, honey). The Browns are at home. So, I’m taking Rosario because she is wearing fewer clothes.

Van: After watching Phil Dawson’s Doink! win the game last weekend, I am convinced that (Insert Deity/Higher Power of choice here)’s favorite team is Cleveland. Houston has their QB and WR back together making rainbows, but they will not win with that gigantic mortgage payment at RB.

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
While I have been on record as appreciating the Bills’ heart, the fact is that their heart is just big enough to beat bad teams. Five wins: Jets, Ravens, Jets, Bengals, Dolphins. We have to reevaluate occasionally, because at the time we thought the Ravens were good. I did, anyway. One thing all these teams have in common is that they are worse than Jacksonville. In most cases, a lot worse. With Pittsburgh vacating the 1a spot (which was agonizingly stupid, since after the Patriots everybody is competing for maybe fifteenth), Jacksonville celebrates their coronation as the NFL’s second-best team by beating the Bills by a surprisingly slim margin.

Van: Fear Mo-Jo Drew. Fear him. Last weekend, he damn near killed Shawne Merriman (!!) on a blitz pickup that was reminiscent of the way Walter Payton used to blow up blitzing linebackers back in the day. But Jacksonville at 1a? What about Dallas or Green Bay, either of whom would beat J-ville like a red-haired stepchild? I realize that you have a lotta man-love for the Jag-wires, especially after they exposed San Diego last weekend, but second-best?

Oakland at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Haven’t these guys already played twice this year? Three times? Mediocrity has such a familiar feel. I love heist movies, but I honestly can no longer discern between The Italian Job, Ronan and Ocean’s Twelve. Normally, you would say that the outcome of mediocrity is completely unimportant (like does Jean Reno double-cross Mark Wahlberg in this movie?), but in this case the Chefs are a game back in the AFC West. The Chefs win this game because, of course, they are at home, but also because the Raidas improbably keep finding new ways to suck. Daunte Culpepper played a decent game this past week, thereby requiring the rest of the team to step up and suck. The funny thing is that Culpepper’s performance temporarily quells the crying for JeMarcus Russell, which totally misses the point. The point is not that Russell is better than Culpepper or Josh McCown, but that this year is over and so they may as well get on with next year.

Van: Kansas City has nobody at quarterback. No one. The Chiefs have no one at running back. Nobody. If Brodie Croyle and Kolby Smith are the answer, the question has to be “Which two players got Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards fired after the 2007 season ended?” The Raiders are still held in thrall by an increasingly vague Al Davis, but at least they have a pulse at QB. And besides, they’re in the AFC West, which means that they are technically still in the playoff hunt, as ridiculous as that sounds. And yes, Stat Boy, Kansas City is also in the West, but remember: they have nobody at quarterback and running back. Nobody.

Baltimore at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
I have a new least favorite person in football: Brian Billick. After the referees took the time to get the call right last week on The Strangest Kick Anybody Has Ever Seen (interesting because it was the absolute worst good kick ever), Billick the erstwhile preening shmoe could only whine about the process. This was a marvelous opportunity to have a little class, to thank the refs for getting the call right by any means necessary even if it went against him. But he did not. And I just don’t like the guy.

Van: Nobody wins this game. I don’t care who Bill and I picked. Nobody wins this game. LT is officially in the Witness Protection Program. Norv “Al Gore” Turner took his Algore-ism to a whole new level last week, and Shawne Merriman was last seen hiding in his locker and muttering “There go that man again, mama…” As far as Baltimore goes, here’s all you really need to know: Kyle Boller is now the franchise’s alltime leader for passing yardage. On the one hand, it is kind of a nice thing when your alltime leader is playing now, as opposed to my benighted Bears, whose alltime franchise quarterback last played when the earth was cooling, but really…Kyle Friggin’ Boller? Someone must hang for this affront to decency everywhere…

Philadelphia at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Last week’s Schoedinger’s cat moment – we fire up the television Sunday night just as the Bills are kicking off for the second half. We get all the pre-kickoff milling around and everything, but there is no score posted. So the score might be anything. Anything! Imagine the possibilities! The Bills might be close, they might be winning, they might be winning by a lot, they might…oh. 35-7. Again. But, for a moment there…ah, well. This week, things can only get worse for everybody who is not the Patriots. The Pats are favored by 22 points. 22. In an NFL game. 22 points. They will cover. But, wow. 22 points.

Van: I’m actually surprised that the wiseguys put this game on the board, even with a ridiculous-looking number that could creep north of 30 before all is said and done. Seriously, who takes Philly to cover this? We’re looking at a 3 touchdown point spread, and the Illadelph might be down by three touchdowns by halftime. I was reading Peter King the other day, and he pointed out that Brett Favre’s best season for TD passes was 39; Tom Brady is sitting at 38, in something like 200 fewer attempts. This is the kind of dominance that you only see in a video game with the cheat codes put in.

Miami at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh’s loss last week to the Jets was unforgivable, an unmasking (El Zorro is only the effete Don Diego?), perhaps a complete undressing. But it happened on the road. The Steelers have three losses, all bad, and all on the road. They are not playing particularly well. The Dolphins, on the other hand, are playing their best ball of the season, having successively stood up to the Giants, Bills and Eagles for minutes at a time before giving up their lunch money like always. The opposite trajectories of the teams, unfortunately, do not bring them into the same galaxy. Pittsburgh gets well and the Dolphins sweat their oh-fer another week.

Van: The Dolphins picked the wrong week to go to Pittsburgh. All-Loincloth head coach Mike Timlin will have the Steelers breathing fire after last week’s embarrassment, particularly in the execution department. Word around the campfire is that the Steelers thought that they could just show up and win against the Jets, and they got stung for it. They will not make the mistake of overlooking Miami this weekend.

Week 11 Prognostications - The Gloves Come Off

Difficult slate of games last week, and some puzzling results. This year, the NFL gets to have its cake and eat it, too – they get both a clearly dominant team and mind-boggling parity. After Week 10, the Dolphins and Jets are out of playoff contention. That’s it. The Rams, 49ers and Raiders are right behind them, holding on by the tips of their embarrassing divisions, but virtually everybody else needs at least a couple of weeks to be eliminated.

Van: Bill’s almost right; everyone in the NFC West will be in contention until the final gun of the final game of the regular season, and then it’ll take a quantum physicist using a tie-breaker formula more complicated than the tax code to figure out who the winner is…
Van has a couple of weeks left, too.

Van: Bill has a better chance of catching a pass from JaMarcus Russell this Sunday than he has of catching me this season. See for yourself.

As Patton said, there is only attack and attack and attack some more.

Van: As Mitch Hedberg said, “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Now that we’re done quoting useless quotes that won’t gain you anything in the overall standings, shut up and take your beating like a man.

Here I come.

Cleveland at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Once upon an autumn Sunday, while I wondered what the hell Brian Billick was doing, suddenly his head appeared. “He’s probably announcing that Kyle Boller’s starting,” I muttered, slapping myself upside the head, “don’t they have another option?” My meter is a little off, but tell me you were not thinking the same thing. By the way, their third quarterback is Buckeye Smurf himself, Troy Smith. Although both teams are coming off of losses, there really are different degrees of losses. Cleveland went into Pittsburgh and very nearly beat them. Pittsburgh is really good, particularly at home. Baltimore had Cincinnati at home and never competed at all. Cincinnati is really bad, particularly on the road. This one’s easy – I pick the team I predicted would go 4-12 to go on the road and demolish my pre-season Super Bowl winner. Hmmm.

Van: Here’s your drinking game for this Sunday: drink every time someone mentions anything about Derek Anderson being a Raven before he was a Brown. If Anderson does something positive and someone says something about how he could have been a Raven, drink once. If either Baltimore QB does something negative and Anderson gets referenced at all, drink twice. You will be blissfully drunk by halftime.

Arizona at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Arizona
Van’s Pick: Arizona
The Bengals must be confounding to people who employ secondary and tertiary methods of picking NFL games. A tiger can take 95% of the league’s mascots, and Cincinnati’s uniforms are sweet. Unfortunately, by all primary methods (usually some variety of “can this team play football?”), Cincinnati is horrible. Chris Henry is back, which will help them a lot if he can step straight into the strong-side linebacker spot and produce, but if they intend to play him at receiver, it seems that T.J. Houshmanzadeh has already adeptly filled Henry’s goal line receiver role. I am not crazy about Arizona, but I like their heart. Lotta heart trumps gutless almost every time.

Van: The only way Chris Henry can help this squad is with his employee’s discount at Dope Dealers R Us. If I’m the next Bungles head coach, I keep Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer. The other 51 idiots can hit the bricks. Arizona, because they are in the limbo that is the NFC West, continues to believe that they have something to play for. No, really, they do. Really. I won’t tell if you won’t…

New Orleans at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: New Orleans
Why is New Orleans always going to Houston? How come Houston never gets to go to New Orleans? Houston has been a presentable team without a single decent skill position player, but now they get Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson back and Ahman Green has had a couple of weeks to rest his 95 year-old knees. On the other side of the ball, New Orleans might do anything, and I mean really anything. Sybil thinks New Orleans is a little unpredictable. Some misguided people are going to hype this game as the matchup of the top two picks in the 2006 draft, but that’s a subplot with no meat. They have neither been busts, nor would a rational person spend a top-two pick on either one with the benefit of hindsight. New Orleans certainly could win this game, but I have to go with the team that we know will actually show up for the game.

Van: Both Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson have been recently broken. That tells me that they will both be at less than themselves in their first full game back. Meanwhile, New Orleans comes in with something of a chance at making the playoffs. (Thanks, Coach Mora.) And again, I won’t believe that Ahman Green is actually playing until I see him carted off the field with some other undiagnosed ailment.

Kansas City at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
If you listen to the experts slobber all over Bob Sanders, you might come to the conclusion that he is better than Dwight Freeney. He is not. Freeney is better than Sanders right now and he cannot even walk. This is a bigger injury than Joseph Addai was or than Marvin Harrison is. Indianapolis is a team whose best case scenario is a late January tilt in Foxboro, and now they will have to do it without their second-most vital player. I heard somebody on the radio comment that Indianapolis might have a great defensive end stashed somewhere on their roster that we are about to find out about. Given what an incredibly stupid thing this is to say, I assume it was Sean Salisbury. See, defensive linemen do not play every down. Guys like Freeney and running mate Robert Mathis rarely play more than two-thirds to three-quarters of the defensive snaps, meaning that if there was another stud there on the roster, he would play a little mote than half the game already and we would know about him. Besides, they signed Simeon Rice, who just got cut from the Broncos 28th-ranked defense. Now that I have all of that off my chest, Tony Dungy could suit up at defensive and annihilate Brodie Croyle, Priest Holmes and the rest of the Chefs.

Van: Brodie Croyle…The Relic Formerly Known As Priest Holmes…Tony Gonzalez could sue the Chiefs in divorce court for lack of support and win. The problem is that he’d likely win the Chiefs. Damn. And what would you like to bet that we won’t see two more acts of God like last weekend, like Peyton throwing six picks AND Adam Vinatieri missing a gamer from extra point distance? KC picked the wrong week for a road trip.

San Diego at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: San Diego
It is really easy to overrate San Diego after they beat an excellent Indianapolis team, but unless they plan to take monsoon season with them everywhere they go, they are still a team with a bad quarterback, a perpetually befuddled defense, an idiot coach, and the reigning NFL MVP who is inexplicably not permitted to defend his title. David Garrard is back for the Jags, who were not half-bad with Quinn Gray (who is way more than half-bad) at the helm. The nice thing here is that Norv The *&%$ing Idiot Turner and Jack Del Rio will have quorum to decide the future direction of HCWHNIWTBOPI.

Van: San Diego wins this game for one simple reason: they mutiny. According to published reports, Norv “Al Gore” Turner went into the locker room after last week’s narrow escape from the jaws of death and announced that their season had turned the corner…to the sound of rolling eyeballs throughout the locker room. These guys are sick of the pockmarked lout and are ready to take matters into their own hands. They will win because the veterans will surround Philip Rivers and tell him to run LT on every play from scrimmage, no matter what the guy in the headphones says. The first time Norv “Al Gore” Turner says “Hey! I didn’t call that play,” he gets speared by Quentin Jammer.

Pittsburgh at New York Jets
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
There are martial disciplines out there, forms of kung fu practiced by strange little expatriates living in yurts in Asian countries, that traffic in the idea that a little person can kick a big person’s ass. You know what? It’s really not that easy. The Jets can run the Princeton offense or engage in guerrilla warfare or use the Steelers’ weight against them, but they will still get crushed.

Van: Last weekend Pittsburgh almost got surprised at home by Cleveland. This weekend, the surprise will be if anyone in green is standing in front of them after the playing of the National Anthem. Like KC going into the lion’s den in Indy, the Jets might have picked the wroooong week to play Pittsburgh. It sez so right here that the Steelers make this a Patriot-like statement game. (And for the record, while I live in one of those little Asian countries, I’ve had opportunity to see actual street fights. NOT ONE of them breaks down into spinning back kicks and praying mantis kung fu. These are a people that are trained in martial arts from the moment they can walk, and when they get drunk they brawl just like Red Wings fans after losing to the Avalanche, all flailing arms and heads held back. Pathetic.)

New England at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
What I need here is a concept. I obviously have nothing to say about this game – with J.P. Losman playing and Marshawn Lynch not, Buffalo’s cut of the gate drops to like 30%. I was going to discuss what it would take for Buffalo to win, but a lot of people are sensitive about plane crash jokes, so that’s out. Usually my go-to schtick here is either a Shakespeare allusion or a Republican joke, but I am having a hard time making any relevant to the situation. The Who could not fit a concept to this mess. I wish my mother-in-law was here.

Van: Even with all hands on deck, Buffalo had Bambi’s chance against Godzilla. And then Don Shula opened his hundred-year-old flytrap about asterisks…just in time for the second half of the season. I would not be surprised at all if New England scored 100 in this game.

Tennessee at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Umm…Denver?
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Why would you ask me this question? How the hell would I know? The Mastermind just cut another defensive tackle (Antwon Burton), bringing the team to a negative three guys at that position, which is necessary because they have to pay fourteen receivers just to get three to dress for each game. In each of the last three games, Brandon Marshall has writhed on the ground as though shot, apparently just to see all the color drain from Mike Shanahan’s face (insert funny comment here). This is something Michael Jordan used to do…and I just can’t seem to stretch the comparison any farther. Jay Cutler will eventually be good and Kellen Clemens will not, but otherwise the Donkeys are just the Jets. That does leave the question dangling out there – how does Denver win games? I have watched every play of every game and I do not know. No idea. I do not know who the Broncos are, I do not know what they do or why, much less could I adequately predict their future. At least I’m not a Bears fan. Meanwhile, in Nashville, I will say it since nobody else will – the Titans would be a better team right now with Kerry Collins under center (and I am not a Kerry Collins fan). With a bad wheel, Vince Young is a dropback passer, and not quite as good at it as I am.

Van: At least you’re not a Bears fan, eh? This from a guy whose head coach is giving lie detector tests to dope smoking profligates and brawling thugs as though that proves anything? This from a guy whose team rolled over and died…at home…to Norv “Al Gore” Turner 41-3? Whose team rolled over and died on the road…against the LIONS? Let’s not forget that the Donkeys hadn’t even bothered to score for the better part of 57 minutes against a team that will probably finish the season below .500. And, uh, let me reintroduce you to Mr. Contract Year his own self, Albert Haynesworth. He’s likely to do a riverdance on Jay Cutler before this one is over.

Quick Slants - Week 10

This just in - Peyton Manning has thrown another interception.

Brian Billick was unable to enter his house after losing to Cincinnati this past Sunday. It seems that some practical joker had painted end zones in front of every door and window of his house.

Seriously, how bad are the Ravens?

With two minutes to go..IN THE GAME...they were down 21 to the THIRTY-WORST, er, 31st defense in all of football.

Please, someone, anyone, tell me again why Brian Billick is regarded as an offensive guru.

Speaking of offending, er, offensive gurus, Peyton Manning threw SIX, count 'em, SIX INTERCEPTIONS...and it took an act of God (a/k/a Adam Vinatieri missing a game-winning field goal from damn near extra point range) for San Diego to escape with a victory.

So, you're Norv The Idiot Turner. You have arguably the Greatest Running Back In History on your roster. You certainly have the Greatest Tight End in History on your roster. Marty-By God-Schottenheimer, noted Anti-Disciple of Sid Luckman, had this team scoring in bushels last season. You have the Colts in your house. Peyton-By God-Manning GIVES you the football SIX TIMES.

And you scored how many on purpose?

'Scuse me? I didn't catch that. How's that again?

ONE offensive touchdown?

Maybe God ain't a Bears fan, but if Rex Grossman throws a Pick Six, Da Bears take a beat down on the sunny side of 50 points.

That's like walking into ZZ Top's little house outside of LaGrange with a paycheck and a 2-for-1 coupon and walking out with a handshake. Period.

For ineptitude that borders upon the historic, I shall no longer call Norv Turner "The Idiot."

I shall, henceforth, refer to him as Norv "Al Gore" Turner.

Name a bigger loser who should have been a bigger winner with what he was left with, and I'll change his name immediately. But until then, shut the hell up. Bill Clinton left Al Gore with low employment, low gas prices, and moderately friendly allies. Marty Schottenheimer left Norv Turner a quarterback on the rise, a defense that liked to hurt people, and Arguably The Greatest Running Back In History.

Now? If it weren't for term limits, we'd likely be at war with half the world.

And if it weren't for a shanked field goal from a guy that you bet the kid's heart transplant on, the Chargers lose a game that God gift-wrapped for them.

In other news, yes, faithful reader (all two of you, bless you), the Chicago Bears beat the lowly Oakland Raiders. And yes, faithful reader, Rex His Own Self Grossman came off the bench in the place of an injured Brian Griese to lead the Blue-and-Orange to victory.

Paraphrasing Jay Mariotti, this is like a booty call from your ex at 3 a.m.

In other words, DON'T DO IT.

For anyone keeping track, and there are a LOT of people who are, Tony Romo and Rex Grossman came into the league at the same time.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't Tony Romo.

This just in - Rex Grossman ain't gonna be Tony Romo any time soon, neither.

So, for all of that "quarterback controversy" brewing in Chicago, sit down and have a triple-skinny Brazilian. We already know what happens when Grossman drives. We already know what happens when Orton drives.

As soon as the Hall-Of-Famer's kid is healthy, we're gonna let him drive just because it'll be different.

Maybe it's just me, but I believe the following:

I believe that Cleveland would win the NFC outright.

I believe that nobody will win the NFC West.

I believe that no team from the AFC West should make the playoffs, regardless of record.

I believe that everybody in the AFC South should go to the playoffs, period, division winners and wild cards be damned. That is the Pool of Death in the NFL, and the eventual winner of that mosh pit will be far too scarred to advance deeply into the playoffs under the current format.

I believe that the Lions will finish 6-10. (My goodness, how do you "pile up" NEGATIVE 18 YARDS against the league's 21st-ranked defense in Arizona?) Think I'm being overly negative? They finish up like this: Giants, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Chargers, Chiefs, Packers.

I believe that Mike Shanahan should be fired, even though the Broncos beat a somnambulent Chiefs team last weekend.

And I believe that The Chin, Bill Cowher, is the man to replace him. (Do I get a point now, Marin? I think so.)

I believe that The Chin is exactly the coach for young Jay Cutler. Unlike Leatherface, who inherited a Hall-of-Famer, The Chin took a guy out of nowhere (Miami of Ohio? Seriously?) and made him a Super Bowl winner.

I believe that The Chin knows how to coach up a defense.

I believe that Champ Baily might name his next child "Cowher" upon The Chin's hiring.

I believe that I'll have whatever Brett Favre's having...and you can make it a double. If steroids do that for an old man, sign me up right friggin' now.

I believe that Pittsburgh just overtook Indianapolis for 1a to the Patriots' 1.

I believe that Cleveland would be 19 games up on anyone in the AFC West right now.

I believe that whoever wins the NFC South should be ashamed of themselves.

I believe that Lovie Smith should get an extension if this season's Bears finish 8-8.

I believe that I would pay green, folding cash to watch Darren Sproles, Leon Washington, Joshua Cribbs, and Devin Hester run the 100 meters through a mine field.

I believe that none of them would get as much as a scratch.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Buffalo as long as Man-Child Marshawn Lynch is carrying the mail...and I believe that Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt believes the same thing.

I believe that it doesn't matter who starts at QB in Chicago because Charmin Tissue Benson is the running back...which equals 9 men in the box, all of whom are completely indifferent to his presence.

I believe that I would love to spend an hour as Tony Romo...as long as that hour is on a Friday night.

I believe that Brady Quinn will assassinate agent Tom Condon if the Browns make the playoffs behind Derek Anderson.

I believe that the Patriots got another 'W' on their bye week when Don Shula ran his rickety-rackety mouth off about asterisks. Lest we forget, the author of the only perfect season in NFL history had a similar penalty levied against him in 1970 when he was building that juggernaut in southern Florida...seems he was tampering with players that belonged to other teams, and he lost a first round pick as a result.

Didn't hurt that '72 squad much, did it?

I'm thinking that next year's first round pick won't hurt this season's eventual Super Bowl winner...but maybe it's just me.

Especially since Scott Pioli practically stole San Francisco's first round pick...see, this is how good the Pats really are. They get busted for videotaping signals because they're inept, not because they're original. They lose a first round pick that they likely would have traded anyway because current first rounders in the top ten are getting like $30 Million Guaranteed before they play a down of real football. They still have San Francisco's first round pick...and the Niners look for all the world like a team picking in the top 5.

And remember, death is not an option: The Patriots trading out of that slot for a lot of picks later, or the Patriots turning a late round pick into an All-Pro, or the Patriots taking a ridiculously-talented malcontent and turning him into a model citizen for a Super Bowl run?

I believe that there are a lot of NFL head coaching jobs up for grabs right now.

I believe that the two most attractive are: St. Louis and Cincinnati.

Both teams have their quarterback in place.

Romeo Crennel got lucky and he knows it. Had he waited to develop Brady Quinn (see: Mike Nolan in San Francisco), he'd be coaching at San Jacinto JC next season.

Marc Bulger was hurt and everyone knows it. The problem for Scott Linehan is that he couldn't hold things together long enough until Bulger got healthy...thus Linehan's head is on the chopping block.

As far as Marvin Lewis goes, I have four words: Lack Of Institutional Control. The inmates ran the asylum in Cincy, and everyone knew it. The Bengals officially 'jumped the shark' when Chad Johnson showed up in a game uniform that had "Ocho Cinco" instead of his name on the back.

That might sell a lot of jerseys on the concourse, but it sets a baaaad precedent for a coach trying to get 52 guys on the same sheet of music.

Whoever gets Carson Palmer will get the most underrated quarterback of his or any generation. If Palmer was in New England, he'd have at least as many rings as Tom Brady right now, and I double-dog dare anyone to prove me otherwise. The next coach of the Bengals is going to look like a combination of Paul Brown and Forrest Gregg.

Finally, I believe and fervently hope that this is as dinged as we will ever see for Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. This guy is Barry Sanders-exciting, and that's saying something.

...and I'm OUT like Dwight Freeney...

Week 10 Prognostications - Nearer, My God, To Thee

Van: This week, Bill's picks come with a little religious flavor...not that he has a prayer of catching me...heh heh heh. Check mine out here to see how badly the gap is widening.

I watched most of Super Bowl 41.5 on a 19-inch television across an airport bar. It didn’t look that good.

Van: It looked as convincing as the beating you’re about to take from me this week, bunky.

When I returned home, it was to a house full of in-laws. In an effort to interact with my wife’s family (which comes at something of a premium in every conceivable way), I took my father-in-law to the gym and I asked my mother-in-law her perspective on the upcoming NFL week. Her take my surprise you, but only because you do not know her.

May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May all who say to me, “heh heh heh” turn back because of their shame.

Van: I have a little saying that I’ve memorized for whenever I’m about to kick Bill’s butt again: Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”

It’s on.

Denver at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Kansas City
BMIL has a friend in Kansas City who prays a lot. Lou. She doubts Lou prays for the Chiefs, exactly, but he recently moved there and so the general positivity in the city is greatly improved. I cannot imagine the Chefs need Lou. In fact, the Chefs could probably win this game without a single Top 10 deity in their corner. Jay Cutler, Yahweh and Shiva get scrubbed by Larry Johnson, Kokopelli and Kamapua’a. The Broncos are fielding an increasingly talentless team that is completely transparent in only minutes of film study. Last week’s loss to the Lions is likely the NFL’s worst this year, and yet the Broncos have to continue to play for two more months. I am running out of Patron. Perhaps if I say “Patron” a few more times, they will sponsor me and I will have enough tequila to make it to 5-11.

Van: What…Blind Io and Offler weren’t available for mention? By the way, FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN. Now word around the campfire is that his hand-picked GM is about to get thrown under the bus, when we all know that his hand-picked GM genuflects and kisses Shanny’s Super Bowl ring before speaking. I mean, blaming Ted Sundquist for the players on this roster is like blaming Jack Dawson for the sinking of the Titanic. Like Dawson, Sundquist wasn’t driving this particular shipwreck, and, like Dawson, Sundquist is about to find out that there ain’t enough lifeboats to go around.

Buffalo at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Buffalo
According to BMIL, there is a heartiness about Buffalo that will allow them to win this game. Although virtually none of the players are from Buffalo, the fans will “throw optimism out to the team.” The distance between Buffalo and Miami is not an impediment to flying optimism, thank you for asking. Van can sing the praises of Marshawn Lynch (altogether now, second verse, same as the first), but the guy opposing defenses suddenly have to gameplan is Lee Evans, the same guy who had 5 catches for 29 yards over the first three games. If a guy wearing nothing but blue and red paint in zero degree weather can throw optimism 1395 miles, then J. P. Losman should be able to throw a little oblong ball 90 feet to Evans against an understandably demoralized Dolphins defense.

Van: Plenty of seats still left on the Marshawn Lynch bandwagon. And as happy as I am for the big rookie, it is particularly galling to me that my beloved Bears stink like Louis XIV’s Palais de Versailles (no indoor plumbing backin the day...quite fragrant when the sun was high), while former Bears head coach Death Spiral Dick Jauron-stedt has pulled his head from his nether regions and has Buffalo going in the right direction. It doesn’t hurt that they are playing the Dolphins, a team with nothing to recommend them beyond a favorable climate.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Pittsburgh
BMIL says that Pittsburgh is up-and-coming. There is “reemergence power” in Pittsburgh. Her husband seems to believe that she is talking about economic revitalization, but I think that she is talking about a spiritual reemergence. I do not know what a spiritual reemergence is, but I suppose that is what they are doing in Cleveland. The Browns probably have not played for first place this late in the season since the Reagan administration (I’m going to throw that out there and let stat boy confirm or deny – I don’t actually care). They will have to wait until at least next season to do it again. Pittsburgh is a monster at home.

Van: Actually, the Browns haven’t played for first place this late in the season since the Truman administration, but they will get smacked firmly in the mouth by the bullies in Pittsburgh. By the way, “spiritual reemergence” is something that happens to Al Gore every couple of years and washed-up child stars leaving rehab…

Jacksonville at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tennessee
This game elicited a fairly passionate response from BMIL. Apparently, on 7/7/07, 70,000 children of the lord descended upon Titan Stadium for the purpose of praying, a great whopping gathering called “The Call.” As there were so many angels present at the time, which BMIL accepts on faith as she cannot see them (although some of her friends can), she supposes that some angels might still be hanging around. Even before “The Call,” BMIL was well-disposed toward Nashville because of its prodigious production of marvelous God music. In case you have the chance to see them, they also have a band called Autovaughn, who are merely good on record but brilliant live. They do not sing about God, so I did not mention them to BMIL. David Garrard is a gametime decision, which will show us once and for all how God feels about Jacksonville. I’m taking the Jags supposing Garrard plays and because I find myself agreeing far too much with BMIL.

Van: The plays you will see run in this game were drawn in elk blood on a cavern wall by Amos Alonzo Stagg while the earth cooled…there may be no other game in history that will do as much to set offensive football back to the Pleistocene era as this game will. On the one hand, the Titans will likely run the wishbone with Vince Young and LenWhale White. On the other, the Jags might as well run the single-wing because nothing else they’ve tried is working. It sez so right here that the over/under for total quarterback passing yardage for the game is 250…considering that both teams have recently WON games where their QBs threw for 100 each, you might want to take the under. And, since defensive line berserker Marcus Stroud is serving a 4-game suspension for messing with the Flintstone Chewables, I like Tennessee to run up the gut all day long.

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Baltimore
History. BMIL likes the Ravens because of history. When pressed, she supposes that things happened during the Civil War, and that the people of Baltimore consequently still carry a “warrior mode” with them. Like Buffalo’s optimism, it is freely communicable fan to player. Just when it looks like things cannot get any worse for the Ravens (who are still reeling from the Civil War), the Bengals come to town and, sure enough, things do not get any worse. The Bengals suck. I have completely run out of funny things to say about their defense. I think that their defense should stop trying to be funny – they’re like Dane Cook. They’re just annoying now. At the same time, the offense is single-handedly losing Marvin Lewis’ job. Given the injuries on defense and the necessity to sign guys off the street to start the next week, at least the defense has an excuse. The offense has succumbed to a sort of environmental malaise, which is ultimately the fault of the soon-to-be-former-head coach.

Van: Carson Palmer is Archie Manning, a great quarterback surrounded by flotsam and jetsam on his sideline. Brian Billick is self-deluded, thinking he’s some offensive genius when he took over the play-calling from Jim Fassel last season. Sure, the team did better…because he took over for Jim-Friggin-Fassel. I could bust out the plays from my old 3M Football, pull them blindfolded, and call a better game than Jim-Friggin-Fassel. The problem is that Billick’s still calling the same plays for a team unable to run them anymore. Baltimore wins, but not because of anything that they do well.

Chicago at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: Tie
Both of these cities have revival history (I am told). After much agonizing, BMIL admitted that she was torn because she was born in Oakland and her father was born in Chicago. The two are matched in “ghetto and revival” and so will tie. I am thinking the Raiders are a little more ghetto than the Bears. After showing signs of life, the Raiders are on an alarming downward trend, capped last week by Sage Rosenfels badly outplaying Josh McCown (ow, stop it, ow, stop it, ow, stop it). The best evidence that the Raiders will lose, though, is Lane Kiffin’s big swingin’ declaration that he will be kicking to Devin Hester, another irrefutable proof that brains are inversely proportional to balls.

Van: I want to pick my boys. I really do. But when I see that the warranty has expired on Brian Griese, when I see that Cedric Benson is unlikely to top 1000 yards in a 16 game season (he’s not even averaging 60 yards per game), when I see that 9-time Pro Bowl guard Ruben Brown is out for the season, I see an offense that is going to get pillaged by a very underrated Oakland defensive line. Sure, you say Josh McCown, I say Cade McNown, but the Raiders have a better running game, Daunte Culpepper is available, and, well, my Bears suck worse than the black hole at the heart of the Crab Nebula.

Indianapolis at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Bill’s Mother-in-Law’s Pick: San Diego
BMIL likes San Diego because they have been suffering and this is their chance to recover. She is not even talking about the nearly three bills Adrian Peterson laid on that defense last week (Dear Chicago Bears – It has come to our attention that you have been missing Ron Rivera. For a mere $19.99 plus shipping and handling, you can have him back. But wait! Act now and we will send you a bonus head coach! That’s right! For only $19.99 we will send you both the defensive coordinator of your former glory and a bona fide National Football League head coach, complete with pictures of himself holding aloft the Lombardi Trophy! Use him as a ticket-taker, nacho vendor, or paperweight! Don’t delay, order today!). In the much-anticipated showdown of Boo Boo the Fool and Norv the *&%$ing Idiot Turner, Boo Boo won because he gave his stud the ball. See? Was it really that hard? Joe Addai ran roughshod over the Patriots, so he has to be giggling through film sessions all week. The Chargers’ suffering has not yet begun. Is it possible that 7-9 wins the AFC West?

Van: Funny you mention 7-9, because that will probably be the Seahawks’ record when they win the NFC West. Indianapolis gets Marvin Harrison back this week; that ain’t good for the Chargers, because the Colts damn near beat the Patriots without Harrison last weekend. Having Harrison back only further accentuates the graphic differences between these two teams. The Chargers traded for Chris Chambers and called that an upgrade…yeeesh. That’s only because Vincent Jackson and Samie (learn to spell it, bonehead) Parker couldn’t catch fire if you soaked them in napalm and threw them a lit match. If there’s any “good’ news concerning Norv The Idiot Turner’s refusal to use LaDainian Tomlinson, it’s that he’s saving LT’s legs for the next head coach. There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking a coach why Boo Boo The Fool kept giving Adrian Peterson the rock; apparently, he was concerned that the kid might get tired after running up and down the field all day.

Quick Slants - Week 9

This just in – Adrian Peterson has scored again for Minnesota…

So, really: how stupid is Norv The Idiot Turner?

Was he not watching Boo Boo The Fool Childress learn from past mistakes?

Did he not see Adrian Peterson (excuse me, he just ran past me as I was writing this) rush for an NFL RECORD?

Does he not have LAST SEASON’S CONSENSUS MVP on his sideline? You may have heard of him…some kid named Tomlinson?

And, since I’m asking rhetorical questions, is it just me or did Philip Rivers regress significantly this season? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the change in coaches, would it?

The scary thing is this: have the Chargers overachieved with Norv The Idiot Turner thus far into the season?

Okay, enough with the rhetorical questions…time for the rhetoric.

This just in – Jamal Lewis just scored again for Cleveland…

Talk about your team of Almost Destiny.

If it weren’t for the supernova exploding in Indianapolis, we might think that the Cleveland Browns are the story of the year.

There were lots of culprits leaving fingerprints at Browns Stadium yesterday, which is making my friend The Dawgpound one of the delirious faithful in central Ohio. There was Jamal Lewis, bulling his way into the end zone four times. There was Kellen Winslow Jr., living up to the family name and family business instead of crumbling beneath it (oops…would someone get Brian Griese some ice?). There was Derek Anderson, every gutsy call, every accurate throw, every ounce of leadership making the Browns’ braintrust look stupid and stupider for not having given this guy a chance years ago.

And yes, there was Brady Quinn, silently gnawing his liver beneath the bench during the pandemonium of the Browns’ comeback.

This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.

Really.

NOW.

All you need to know about the utter bondage house beating that the Broncos took was video of Shaun Rogers, all 350 pounds of him, taking an interception 66 yards (!!) for a touchdown, and he looked like he was carrying a piano for 65 of those yards.

It’s not bad enough that the Broncos were down 44-0 with three minutes to play. It’s not bad enough that the Lions looked like the tougher, better prepared team all day. But when no one on your offense can outrun the fattest kid on the field, that speaks to lack of heart, not lack of ability.

The simple fact is that the Broncos quit. That goes straight to the head coach.

This team has regressed so significantly, one wonders if they won’t slide through the rest of their schedule with maybe one more win for the season. Maybe.

Shanahan has got to go, now.

Candidates for Best Team Not Named Patriots Or Colts: the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Baltimore Ravens came into Monday night’s game talking tough. The Steelers, led by Bill Bryan’s All-Loincloth head coach Mike Tomlin, showed them what tough really is.

Let’s sum it up this way: Hines Ward destroyed Ed Reed. Destroyed him. It looked like an Adam Sandler clip from “The Waterboy.”

Now, this is not to take anything away from Ward, perennially one of the toughest receivers in the league. But Ed Reed? Ward didn’t just blow up the third-stringer; he blew up an All-Pro who usually does the blowing up.

I don’t know if the Steelers have moved into 1a territory with the Colts, but it pretty much assures them of being all by themselves at Number 2.

Whenever I look at Buffalo’s Marshawn Lynch, I hear Muddy Waters singing “Mannish Boy.”

Watching the Eagles is just too painful for me, because I can’t look at them without simultaneously thinking about Andy Reid’s domestic problems…and wondering why he’s still wearing a headset when he should be at home raising his kids properly.

The fact that his distractions are taking the Eagles down the tubes with him is secondary to the fact that he’s 0-fer-2 with his first two kids…and that he doesn’t seem overly concerned that there are 3 others likely to follow as long as he’s more concerned with perfecting “65-Toss-Power-Trap.”

Last season, Vince Young looked so much better than Reggie Bush, there was a suggestion that the Titans got the steal of the draft. For the early part of this season, Bush looked like a bust.

For the last four games, Reggie Bush has looked better than any time in his running back life. See, it’s one thing to do it in high school. It’s another thing to do it for USC in the PAC-10 (which usually has four or five weak sisters in the conference). It’s entirely another thing to do it in the NFL, and I have to admit that he’s doing it to death (thanks, James Brown).

And whoever woke Drew Brees and Marques Colston up should get a raise, because that person just saved the Saints’ season.

New Orleans was dead. Autopsied. Buried. When they lost Deuce McAllister, I had written them off for the rest of the year.

But the resiliency they have shown has finally made me a believer. The way they’ve been beating the stink off their opponents in this four game run has convinced me that they are back to being who they were last season.

Now, if only whatever they are drinking could be shipped to Chicago…(sigh)

For the love of all that is good and right in this world, will someone PLEASE get David Carr out of the NFL before he has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life?

Seriously, one more sack and you can put this guy right next to the cantaloupes in the fresh produce section.

And speaking of sorry quarterbacking, you just gotta love this one. So, Boo Boo The Fool Childress scorns Jeff Georges’ overtures, saying basically that the guy’s career was over. A couple of days later, he brings in Chris Weinke Dinky Dog for a workout…apparently, Sammy Baugh wasn’t available because he’s, ya know, dead. THEN, Boo Boo The Fool signs…

…wait for it…

…Koy Detmer.

This should tell you why Adrian Peterson, the league’s leading rusher and holder of the single-game rushing record, is still listed number 2 on the depth chart.

Best NFC Team Not Named Cowboys or Giants: The Green Bay Packers.

Once again, Brett Favre struck like lightning in the fourth quarter and stunned an opponent on the road. Once again, the Packers come away with a tough, well-earned road victory. They are as real as real gets, and they might be able to beat either Dallas or New York.

This Week’s Sign Of The Apocalypse: The Thanksgiving Day tilt between Detroit and Green Bay will actually be meaningful. Very meaningful. Really, who saw that one coming?

Okay, okay, I was getting to It…

You know…The Greatest Game Ever.

There is no truth to the rumor that DNA testing has confirmed that Tom Brady is Joe Montana’s clone…but video evidence at hand is pretty convincing.

Down 10 in the fourth quarter in an artificially-loud stadium (more on that in a minute), Tom Terrific authored two drives for the ages against their only real competition this season.

Never mind all that happened before those two drives, including Tony Dungy’s head-scratching decision to go away from Joseph Addai (I mean, Addai was killing New England single-handedly in the first half), because the fact is that Indianapolis was still winning the game comfortably before Tom Brady and his teammates reasserted themselves.

And speaking of reasserting himself, how about Mr. Maligned, Randy Moss? Anyone questioning his toughness should be forced to watch video of Moss fearlessly going over the middle of the Colts defense to make a one-handed catch as pretty as anything Willie Mays ever hauled in.

But, uh, wasn’t that a loud game? Too loud, perhaps?

As noted by the good people at ProFootballTalk.com, and as heard by my own two ears, the crowd noise at the game…uh…skipped.

The evidence is out there. PFT even has the audio of the clip on their site, and you can hear it as clearly as I can. The crowd noise skipped, then suddenly cut off.

Perhaps the most telling thing to me is the speed with which CBS Sports rushed to take the blame, saying that it was an internal thing and nothing that the Colts were doing to disrupt the Patriots while on offense.

Uh...yeah.

There are two major problems with this. One is that I don’t need the network adding crowd noise to the feed to increase the drama. Games supply their own drama, or they don’t. When Green Bay and Kansas City were mud-wrestling in the fourth quarter, no additional drama was necessary. When Pittsburgh was bludgeoning Baltimore, no amount of additional crowd noise was going to make a silk purse out of that sow’s ear. When I want drama, I’ll watch CSI. Leave my football alone.

The other major problem is that, despite CBS’ rush to take the blame, two credible sources (Dennis Green’s son and a security guard at the game in Indy) have stepped up and said what we all suspect: that home teams pump up the crowd noise artificially to distract the visitors.

I’m sorry, but that’s cheating. It’s just as bad as videotaping defensive signals during the game, or defensive lineman yelling “Hut! Hut!”

One last thing: who woke Don Shula up?

No, really, there’s nothing self-serving at all about his whining that the Patriots should get an asterisk on their record if they go undefeated this season.

No, really, there’s no conflict of interest at all when the coach of the only undefeated team in NFL history is already kicking dirt on the best challenge to his legacy in recent memory.

No, really, he and the rest of his grumpy old men in Florida don’t look like curmudgeonly rat-bastards whenever someone goes undefeated deep into the regular season, only to their plaintive cries of “What about us?”

We get it. You didn’t lose any games for a whole year. We’re all happy for you. Now shut the hell up and let us enjoy the Patriots this season.

And here’s hoping that the corks stay in the bottles.

Week 9 Prognostications - The Super Bowl Is Early

So, any interesting NFL games this week?

Van and I are now the most dangerous men on Earth, the guys with nothing to lose. The Broncos and Bears are logically, if not yet mathematically, eliminated from playoff contention and we will now be selecting our new favorite teams.

Van: Uh, I hate to be all back-outish on you, but if you made an album of my life and Death Row Records recorded it, it would be called ELIF4NAFZRAEB, but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to call out Ice Cube ‘cuz he chin-checked the stuffins outta his old crew on “No Vasaline”…possibly the greatest assassination on wax ever, right after Common’s “The B*tch In You” to the aforementioned O’Shea Jackson…but I digress…you were saying something about a new fave?

Umm…I’ll take the Patriots.

Van: I like my picks better.

Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!

Cincinnati at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
Three words. Jay. Pee. Losman. This NFL season has been a clinic in the importance of quarterbacks. With almost no exception, good teams have good quarterback play and bad teams have bad quarterback play. Case in point, the Buffalo Bills, who have led a double life that Chuck Barris finds astounding. With Losman under center, the Bills have been bad, but with Trent Edwards under center they have been pretty good. Almost no exception. Interestingly, Cincinnati is the exception. The Bengals are putrid, but unlike every other putrid team in the NFL, their quarterback deserves relatively little blame. As bad as the Bengals defense is, I doubt the Bills move the ball in Wednesday passing drills with Losman throwing. Funny media moment – the headline on Yahoo’s Bengals page reads “2-5 Bengals Look for Hope of Making Playoffs.” Where do you think they are looking? The bottom of the Red Sea? The top of Mt. Ararat? Lourdes? The corners of Van’s yurt?

Van: This is why my lead, like my waistline, is expanding. Jauron is going to reeeel in the game plan for J.P. Lost-man and rely heavily upon Mannish Boy Marshawn Lynch because he learned with Trent Edwards that a game manager will win with a wrecking ball at RB. Cincinnati stinks like The Dead Marshes.

Green Bay at Kansas City
Bill’s Pick: Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Listening to the national experts fall all over themselves anointing the Packers as the NFC’s best team because of their thoroughly unconvincing win over the Broncos (?!) makes me freaking ill. Before anybody canonizes Ryan Grant, they should note that he keyed a Packer running attack that performed well below average for a Bronco opponent. While the Packers’ line has done an admirable job protecting the old man this year, most NFL teams will still get to him occasionally. While I do not think the Chefs are very good, the Pack had trouble with the noise at Invesco, and old Arrowhead will be worse. The Broncos left their corners playing man but inexplicably did not chuck the receivers at the line on either of their behemoth passing plays that constituted the Packers’ scoring, and after looking at film, the Chefs will not make the same mistake.

Van: Hey, Stat Boy, Ryan Grant keyed a running attack that was going against the League’s Worst Run Defense. That’s right, the Donkeys are dead stinkin’ last at stopping the run. The Chiefs are in the middle of the pack (17) at stopping the run, so maybe Mr. Grant’s Hall bust can wait another week. However, if the Pack could handle Denver’s 6th ranked pass defense on the road, they can certainly handle KC’s 10th ranked pass defense on the road. And, uh, weren’t you making some obsequious point about quarterbacks earlier? Unless something drastic has changed and 1970’s Lenny Dawson is taking the snaps for the Chiefs, Brett Favre left-handed is better than anyone on the KC roster right now…

Washington at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I see no reason for the Jets to ever win another game. Maybe I am missing something about Kellen Clemens and maybe I am having trouble breathing out of my eyelids, but I do not see a big improvement on the three points (ahem, THREE points) that the J-E-T-S laid on the Bills last week. Meanwhile, do not read too much into Washington’s last game. As Chicago and Denver guys, respectively, Van and I know enough to look at that game and think, “There but for the grace of God…” The only team who would have had any chance at all against the Pats last week would be the AFC Pro Bowl team, and even then only because they had Brady, Moss, Welker, Vrabel, Thomas and that impenetrable offensive line.

Van: Boy, there sure were a lot of people crying about the Patriots allegedly running up the score on the ‘Skins last weekend…and most of them seem to have forgotten that The Ol’ NASCAR Owner his own self has been accused of the very same thing a few times in the past, specifically against Belichick’s Browns teams back in the day, possibly as payback for the way Belichick’s defense used to savage Washington in the ‘80s…and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Redskins ran it up this weekend by just grinding the ball all day. It sez so right here that Jason Campbell attempts less than 15 passes and the ‘Skins O holds the ball for 47 minutes.

Carolina at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Like POS says, “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken.” The fact that you start an NFL game at quarterback does not make you an NFL quarterback. This means you, David Carr, and your great-uncle Vinny, too. Everybody knows about the injuries to Jake Dellhomme, Carr and Testaverde, but you may not have noticed that they lost their original third-string quarterback, one Brett Basanez (me, neither), to a season-ending injury. If this was the presidency, we would be swearing in the Secretary of Agriculture right now.

Van: Where’s “I am in control here!” Al Haig when you need him? (sigh) That said, Uncle Rico hasn’t exactly lit it up at quarterback for the Titans, but they really don’t need him to right now. Keith Bulluck leads a truly Tyrannic defense, and Jeff Fisher must have promised LenWhale White a cheeseburger for every ten yards he gains and an extra trip through the buffet line for every touchdown, because the Fat Kid is on a mission.

Seattle at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I believe I am on the record as disliking the Seahawks. Nothing has changed. Not including the Pittsburgh Steelers, who scrubbed the Seahawks in Week 5, their opponents have a combined record of 14-29. Matt Hasselbeck, who has not been playing well anyway, has an injured oblique muscle. Oblique, meaning both “not toward your receiver” and “the muscle with which you throw.” Cleveland, on the other hand, is fun to watch. Man, I can’t even believe that’s a sentence.

Van: Cleveland at home is the surest thing in football right now. All season long they have feasted on sorry teams (this means you, Seattle) at Browns Stadium. Derek Anderson continues to find Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow 2 – Electric Boogaloo at the end of his rainbows. And Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.

New England at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: Indianap…PSYCHE! OF COURSE New England
Man, this looks like a pretty good game. I wonder why nobody is talking about it. The Patriots has been flying way under the radar, and even though they are not getting any love from the networks, you should really make the effort to seek out one of their games. Bill Belichick is the best NFL coach you have never heard of and Randy Moss is quietly putting together a great statistical season. Right now New England is overshadowing global warming. If Tom Brady pulled a John Lennon and declared the Pats “bigger than Jesus,” much of the public would be offended, but in their own heads might agree. As much as I have heard about the egregious disrespect shown the defending world champion Colts, I have not heard anybody pick them. After watching the Patriots work a good Redskin team 52-7 (seriously, don’t just let that slide, it was 52-7), how could you? As an aside to this game, I would like to make a point about “running up the score.” See, the responsibility here lies with the runnee, not the runner. I am gratified that most of the experts agree that if you have a problem with somebody beating you by a lot of points, the best course of action is to man up and stop them, but the point I have not heard anybody make is that this is not college. This is not a formative experience. Nobody’s feelings are important. The Patriots did not bring in the Redskins for a guarantee game, an early season tune-up before their real schedule starts. There is no flatter playing field than the NFL. Everybody has great facilities, everybody has essentially an identical budget, nobody has an original idea for more than a couple of hours before everybody else can steal it. It is 100% the Redskins own fault that they are 45 points worse than the Patriots, and I would immediately cut anybody (Randall Godfrey, you tool) who did not understand that.

Van: Actually, regarding your “no experts” point, Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post makes your points in an excellent article, but no one listens to Wilbon because he’s a black writer who dares take black athletes to task for acting like asses in public…oh, the rivers of Hater-aid that flow whenever he calls out a Mike Vick or a Chad Johnson for being the latest members of the saggy-pants Minstrel Show in the NFL. I really, really want to believe that Indianapolis can beat New England only because of the lack of respect they’ve received nationally as an undefeated Super Bowl champion defending the title, but, I mean…52-7? Really? That score just sticks with you, kinda like accidentally seeing an older relative naked during the holidays (Aunt Sissy!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!) I used to wonder if we would ever see an undefeated team in the NFL. Now I wonder if the Patriots can continue to make a mockery of the point-spread. (More on the spread later…heh heh heh)

Houston at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Oakland
The hard-luck Texans should start playing Powerball, because nobody’s fortunes can stay this bad for very long. With a bye week looming and the return of Andre Johnson immanent, Houston needs only a solid effort against a 2007 Raider team that looks increasingly like the 2006 Raider team to stay in the playoff hunt. It should be noted that everyone who is calling for JeMarcus Russell deserves him and is not welcome to come crying to me if they get him.

Van: Say it with me: Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels. Rosenfels snuck up on Tennessee because there was no film on the guy and they pretty much thought they had the game won. He won’t sneak up on the Raiders. And I’ll believe that Ahman Green is “probable” when I see him carry the football in a game. Houston started off so promisingly, then Johnson got broke, Green’s warranty expired, and Matt Schaub got what everyone but his coach is calling a concussion (apparently, if it IS a concussion, you can’t go rushing the kid back into the fray because of NFL rules against playing guys diagnosed with the C word, and Coach Kubiak has only said the word “dinged” in public…think of it like this: only Congress can declare war, which explains all those “police actions” and “surgical air strikes” we had under Bill Clinton…)

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Bill’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore is terrible. Pittsburgh can be a little inconsistent, but not at home. This is the biggest line in the NFL this week with the Steelers favored by 9½. The reason Vegas is so cool is because they make money. Oddsmakers are really good, so if they say this is a beating, you should at least investigate why.

Van: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Bill, you ignorant slut. The oddsmakers do not assess a line because of some alleged “strength of ass-whupping quotient,” but to even out the bets. Most mokes prefer to bet on the team that they believe will win. The House can’t afford for everyone to bet the overwhelming favorite because then the House loses money, and if the paper bags going east start getting light, there will be holes in the desert for months. Therefore, the House establishes a point spread. The favorite can’t just win; the favorite has to win by more than “x” number of points. In games where there is an overwhelming favorite, the line gets established early and high as a way to forestall people from playing favorites; if people continue to bet the favorite, the line gets pushed up to discourage them. If too many people start taking the dog, the line gets brought down. Thus, a 9-and-a-hook line on Pittsburgh does not mean that the wise guys like Pittsburgh to put a beating on Baltimore by more than 9-and-a-hook; it only means that so many people are betting on Pittsburgh that the House is covering their end by putting the spread at something ridiculous. In fact, Pittsburgh is likely to win…by exactly 9. That half-point will be worth millions this weekend. Not that I have any action on the game…just sayin…