Playoff Prognostications Extra - My Picks Are Here!
(For those who are curious, Bill's picks are contained in the post following this one. He's having a little internet trouble this week...something about too much porn blowing up his servers...)
Last Week
Bill 2-2
Van 2-2
Playoffs
Bill 5-3
Van 4-4
First off, I would like to concede the playoff portion of the picks to Bill because, frankly, I ain’t got it in me to pick against the Patriots at any point in this season. Congrats, Bill, you lucky (expletive).
Bill: Thanks, brother. You’re a lucky expletive, too.
Second, for those of you who read both of our comments, you’ll note that Bill called me a “yak-licking bastard” last week, and I’d like to respond to that charge. On one hand, I know who my parents are, even if they did occasionally change identities and addresses while I was gone for the day. And on the other hand, yak-licking is perfectly legal up and socially acceptable here in the yurt, although it can become habit-forming…something about the nicotine in the hooves.
Bill: Thus was it spake and thus shall ever it be. This is exactly how people get stuck with goofy nicknames, although not many could aspire to the snappy euphonia that is “yak-licking bastard.”
Once again, back, it’s the incredible…
Bill: You write memos?
NFC Championship
NY Giants vs. Green Bay Packers
Bill – Green Bay
Van – Green Bay
So, there I am, watching the Giants continue their scientifically-impossible bumblebee flight through the playoffs, disposing of an allegedly superior opponent in the Cowboys, when it hit me:
These playoffs now have a storyline: Brett Favre.
Not that we were bereft of storylines, mind you. There is, of course, the Patriots and their “Empire Strikes Back” march through the season. There is also the fact that a Manning is still playing, and it ain’t Peyton…but right now it’s all Brett, all the time.
And there is no proof whatsoever that Mrs. Madden uses the 1996 Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Video to get John out of the Maddencruiser and into a lovin’ mood...but I digress.
Bill: Consider us even for the whole Andy-Reid-in-a-loincloth thing, you yak-licking bastard.
Brett Favre is about to receive man-love on a scale heretofore unknown. It’s so bad, life-long Bears fans (!!) are weeping into their Old Styles about the thought that Farf (dat’s wat da Nort’ Siders call ‘im, Farf...or dat gaddam Farf...) will be going back to the Super Bowl.
Oh, yes, we will be subjected to sepia-toned, slow-motion replays of Favre running with his helmet in his hand, wild joy splashed across his bewhiskered face, right hand raised in a clenched fist of triumph. Someone in the production department will break out his copy of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” for the video highlights package that shows off the thunderbolt from God that Favre calls a right arm, or his ability to absorb hits that would total a Ford Focus. There will be testimonials from current and former teammates and opponents praising him outrageously.
Bill: Actually, everyone else is trying to forget Slayer. I’m white and I think Slayer sucks. Of course, I think Toby Keith and Nickelback are worse, so I’m about to get my card pulled, anyway. Whatever. White people.
And if we’re REALLY lucky, we’ll see that great clip of him running around the sideline and yelling at anyone in front of him “Put ‘er in the ol’ vise!!” which is Farf-ian for “shake my mighty right hand, and cower, brief mortal.”
Bill: I have this horrible confession to make – before this season started, I thought of Favre as a borderline Hall-of-Famer. A compiler. A half-step ahead of Vinny Testaverde. Rafael Palmeiro without the juice. It had been so long since Favre had played well, so long since the Packers had been relevant to anybody south of the frozen tundra, that I forgot he had not always been Tommy Kramer. He was a guy whose image could never entirely be remade from his Vicodin addiction (given the heated competition for depravity in the sports world these days, it is hard to imagine that this was ever anything more than a small point of interest). Now he is gold. Platinum. He is first-ballot, unanimous. He is David Bowie, a guy whose record of excellence covers such staggering breadth that his missteps make him better rather than worse. Watching him play so well this year with such apparent joy probably affected all guys the same way – we all remembered what it was like and envied Favre his ability to keep his head straight about it all. I remember thinking before this year that if he was so great, he would have an endorsement besides Wrangler Jeans (which I do not exactly consider to be a cherry gig). Now he has this big Prilosec campaign in which he never even appears. They just use his name over and over. I can no longer remember what my objections were to Favre’s deityship.
Coincidentally, there will be no highlights of Aaron Rodgers gnawing on his liver in the midst of all this. Rodgers, you’ll remember, was the guy who was drafted to replace what was an old quarterback three seasons ago. Every time Farf hinted at retirement, Rodgers would get all excited and run in with the first team offense, only for Brett to horse-collar him and yell “PSYCHE!!” And the worst part for Rodgers is that Farf could conceivably play at his current level for a looooong time, especially with the kind of toys in place (Greg Jennings, James Jones, Donald Lee, Ryan Grant) that Brett likes to play with.
Nope, it’s all Brett, all the time. Sadly, he will get to the Super Bowl, only to get crushed by the machine that is the Patriots, which will only give people more incentive to hate the Greatest. Team. Ever.
Bill: One more point – athletes get bigger, faster and stronger by the decade. You can only compare a team relative to its own era. Virtually no team could beat even a bad team from a succeeding era. I am sure you have read about the computer model where the 2007 Patriots beat the 1940 Bears 73-0. There is no way, NO WAY, that the 1940 Bears could hold the 2007 Patriots to 73 points. The 2007 Redskins barely held the Patriots to 73 points. All the toothless, demented whiners who think that the 1972 Dolphins could line up and beat the 2007 Patriots are unforgivably stupid. The ’07 Pats would make the ’90 Niners look like the ’90 Broncos, ya feel me? I will not even begin to list the thousands of incredibly logical reasons for all of this. If you don’t know, you can’t know, but it’s true.
Van’s Counterpoint – This is precisely what irks me about people who try to take credit away from the Patriots this season. People act like teams have been laying down against the Pats, as though the ’62 Packers would have fared any better. Here’s a hint: NO THEY WOULDN’T. The Pats have been so dominant this season that one of the chief complaints against them was that they ran up the score. Quoth Li’l John, “WWWHAT?” This is the NFL, a man’s game by any measure. There ain’t no running up of the damn score. But when people are complaining that they were winning games by too large a margin, that they should have called the dogs off long before things got out of hand, that is what I call DOMINANT. This team only lacks the Super Bowl to enter into rare air indeed. They wouldn’t be in a class all by themselves, but it wouldn’t take long to call the roll: 1927 Yankees (110-44), 1996 Bulls (72-10), and 2007 Patriots.
Last Week
Bill 2-2
Van 2-2
Playoffs
Bill 5-3
Van 4-4
First off, I would like to concede the playoff portion of the picks to Bill because, frankly, I ain’t got it in me to pick against the Patriots at any point in this season. Congrats, Bill, you lucky (expletive).
Bill: Thanks, brother. You’re a lucky expletive, too.
Second, for those of you who read both of our comments, you’ll note that Bill called me a “yak-licking bastard” last week, and I’d like to respond to that charge. On one hand, I know who my parents are, even if they did occasionally change identities and addresses while I was gone for the day. And on the other hand, yak-licking is perfectly legal up and socially acceptable here in the yurt, although it can become habit-forming…something about the nicotine in the hooves.
Bill: Thus was it spake and thus shall ever it be. This is exactly how people get stuck with goofy nicknames, although not many could aspire to the snappy euphonia that is “yak-licking bastard.”
Once again, back, it’s the incredible…
Bill: You write memos?
NFC Championship
NY Giants vs. Green Bay Packers
Bill – Green Bay
Van – Green Bay
So, there I am, watching the Giants continue their scientifically-impossible bumblebee flight through the playoffs, disposing of an allegedly superior opponent in the Cowboys, when it hit me:
These playoffs now have a storyline: Brett Favre.
Not that we were bereft of storylines, mind you. There is, of course, the Patriots and their “Empire Strikes Back” march through the season. There is also the fact that a Manning is still playing, and it ain’t Peyton…but right now it’s all Brett, all the time.
And there is no proof whatsoever that Mrs. Madden uses the 1996 Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Video to get John out of the Maddencruiser and into a lovin’ mood...but I digress.
Bill: Consider us even for the whole Andy-Reid-in-a-loincloth thing, you yak-licking bastard.
Brett Favre is about to receive man-love on a scale heretofore unknown. It’s so bad, life-long Bears fans (!!) are weeping into their Old Styles about the thought that Farf (dat’s wat da Nort’ Siders call ‘im, Farf...or dat gaddam Farf...) will be going back to the Super Bowl.
Oh, yes, we will be subjected to sepia-toned, slow-motion replays of Favre running with his helmet in his hand, wild joy splashed across his bewhiskered face, right hand raised in a clenched fist of triumph. Someone in the production department will break out his copy of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” for the video highlights package that shows off the thunderbolt from God that Favre calls a right arm, or his ability to absorb hits that would total a Ford Focus. There will be testimonials from current and former teammates and opponents praising him outrageously.
Bill: Actually, everyone else is trying to forget Slayer. I’m white and I think Slayer sucks. Of course, I think Toby Keith and Nickelback are worse, so I’m about to get my card pulled, anyway. Whatever. White people.
And if we’re REALLY lucky, we’ll see that great clip of him running around the sideline and yelling at anyone in front of him “Put ‘er in the ol’ vise!!” which is Farf-ian for “shake my mighty right hand, and cower, brief mortal.”
Bill: I have this horrible confession to make – before this season started, I thought of Favre as a borderline Hall-of-Famer. A compiler. A half-step ahead of Vinny Testaverde. Rafael Palmeiro without the juice. It had been so long since Favre had played well, so long since the Packers had been relevant to anybody south of the frozen tundra, that I forgot he had not always been Tommy Kramer. He was a guy whose image could never entirely be remade from his Vicodin addiction (given the heated competition for depravity in the sports world these days, it is hard to imagine that this was ever anything more than a small point of interest). Now he is gold. Platinum. He is first-ballot, unanimous. He is David Bowie, a guy whose record of excellence covers such staggering breadth that his missteps make him better rather than worse. Watching him play so well this year with such apparent joy probably affected all guys the same way – we all remembered what it was like and envied Favre his ability to keep his head straight about it all. I remember thinking before this year that if he was so great, he would have an endorsement besides Wrangler Jeans (which I do not exactly consider to be a cherry gig). Now he has this big Prilosec campaign in which he never even appears. They just use his name over and over. I can no longer remember what my objections were to Favre’s deityship.
Coincidentally, there will be no highlights of Aaron Rodgers gnawing on his liver in the midst of all this. Rodgers, you’ll remember, was the guy who was drafted to replace what was an old quarterback three seasons ago. Every time Farf hinted at retirement, Rodgers would get all excited and run in with the first team offense, only for Brett to horse-collar him and yell “PSYCHE!!” And the worst part for Rodgers is that Farf could conceivably play at his current level for a looooong time, especially with the kind of toys in place (Greg Jennings, James Jones, Donald Lee, Ryan Grant) that Brett likes to play with.
Nope, it’s all Brett, all the time. Sadly, he will get to the Super Bowl, only to get crushed by the machine that is the Patriots, which will only give people more incentive to hate the Greatest. Team. Ever.
Bill: One more point – athletes get bigger, faster and stronger by the decade. You can only compare a team relative to its own era. Virtually no team could beat even a bad team from a succeeding era. I am sure you have read about the computer model where the 2007 Patriots beat the 1940 Bears 73-0. There is no way, NO WAY, that the 1940 Bears could hold the 2007 Patriots to 73 points. The 2007 Redskins barely held the Patriots to 73 points. All the toothless, demented whiners who think that the 1972 Dolphins could line up and beat the 2007 Patriots are unforgivably stupid. The ’07 Pats would make the ’90 Niners look like the ’90 Broncos, ya feel me? I will not even begin to list the thousands of incredibly logical reasons for all of this. If you don’t know, you can’t know, but it’s true.
Van’s Counterpoint – This is precisely what irks me about people who try to take credit away from the Patriots this season. People act like teams have been laying down against the Pats, as though the ’62 Packers would have fared any better. Here’s a hint: NO THEY WOULDN’T. The Pats have been so dominant this season that one of the chief complaints against them was that they ran up the score. Quoth Li’l John, “WWWHAT?” This is the NFL, a man’s game by any measure. There ain’t no running up of the damn score. But when people are complaining that they were winning games by too large a margin, that they should have called the dogs off long before things got out of hand, that is what I call DOMINANT. This team only lacks the Super Bowl to enter into rare air indeed. They wouldn’t be in a class all by themselves, but it wouldn’t take long to call the roll: 1927 Yankees (110-44), 1996 Bulls (72-10), and 2007 Patriots.
Labels: Bill Bryan, NFL
posted by van walker | 9:12 AM
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