Divisional Round Prognostications - Better Late Than Never, Part Deux

(Van: See, these picks would have been posted on time, but apparently Bill still checks his e-mail with that damn smoke signal ISP that they use in Denver. Here in the yurt, we got the dish and wireless DSL baby...)

The interminable NFL off-season begins slowly in Denver.

Even as Van and I dwell on the positive, because we are positive guys, it is already the off-season for 99% of the world. In the Walker yurt in Outer Korea, for instance, it is the off-season 24/7/365. Think about that the next time you complain about your small kitchen.

Anyway, in Denver we do not fire people. We cut people in the middle of the season, we have assistants fly off to save Houston, but we do not fire people. If you do not fire anybody, you cannot hire anybody. The Senior Bowl and East-West Shrine Game practices have not started and the combines are months away. Even free agent players are still technically under contract, so we cannot talk to them or about them (which is not to say that we don’t, it is just very quiet, because Kommisar Goodell don’t take no mess).

Van: Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

But much like “it’s noon somewhere,” the NFL season marches on for some teams, so local markets still have to cover it. Our last two weeks in Denver have consisted of variations on two themes:

1. Mike Shanahan is our coach. The Rocky Mountain New needs Van, if only because he wants Leatherface fired. Shanahan holds a grudge like no other. Heck, 9 out of 10 elderly Jewish women say, “oi vey, he never lets anything go.” What this means is that if you want to write sports in this town, you cannot call for Shanahan’s head. Ever. Because if you don’t get it, you won’t get anything for the rest of your tenure, and it’s off to the Amarillo Star for you.
2. Brandon Marshall is really good. Marshall, like the rest of the ’06 second-string, blew up when Cutler got the start last year and has not really looked back. He does not have the world’s most reliable hands and he has to visibly man up to go over the middle (although he will, and that’s the whole point), but Marshall is an awesome physical specimen that is apparently impossible to tackle. Among the sidebar points to this non-story is that we will not miss head case Javon Walker (not to be confused with Javan Walker, whom we already miss) and that Marshall is living proof that Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it.

Van: “Leatherface can evaluate talent and deploy it”? See, somebody cue DMX’s “Party Up” because y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here...anybody besides me remember Kyle Johnson, fullback? He was on the team for five whole days before taking it in the neck. Or, perhaps you might remember the revolving door that is punter. And we ain’t even gonna start with the defense, where your mans Jim Bates fell on his sword after watching new faces show up in practice on a nearly daily basis. And does the name Selvin Young ring any bells? In a lot of ways, this was worse than watching Shenanigans switch Bells on us last season, because Travis “Puffy” Henry obviously had a lot more on his mind than football, and Young could advance the pigskin with alacrity when called upon...not that he was called upon as often as he might’ve with a coach that recognizes talent, mind you...gaaaaaaah! Whatever hold Rasputin Shanahan has over Pat Bowlen, it’s waaaay beyond pictures with farm animals...

I love the off-season.

Now, then. For those about to rock…

Jacksonville at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
I am more tempted to take the opposing team here than at any other time this season. I love Jacksonville. I admit defeat, I admit wrongdoing, and I admit that Jack Del Rio has way more business being an NFL head coach than I do. Starting Fred Taylor was smart. It allowed Del Rio to deploy Maurice Jones-Drew, his Best Offensive Player, in different ways. It is no small deal that MoJo returns some kicks for the Jagwads. He is a game-changing force at the position, and as anyone whose idiot special teams coach cannot keep the ball away from Devin Hester (twice) can tell you, a game changer at kick returner truly changes the game. It helps that Taylor had perhaps his best pro season in justifying Del Rio’s faith. And who questions the Garrard over Leftwich decision now? I like the Jags in this game because they do what they do. Any team that controls the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball can win any game, and I guarantee you that in a private moment, Bill Belichick muttered expletives when the Jags beat the Steelers, because he is more scared of them than he is of the Colts. This is not to say that they are better than the Colts, only that they create much bigger problems for the Pats, whose D-line play has been spotty and who are run defense deficient.

Van: And, having said all that, Tom Brady finds Randy Moss behind/over the top/in front of/beside the defense for a couple of scores that will put the Jags behind and...cue closing credits.

San Diego at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
OK, second verse, same as the first. Is there anybody who thinks that Norv The *&$%ing Idiot Turner is a better songwriter than Marty Schottenheimer? This Charger team has locker room issues, which are always OK when you are winning, but in the second quarter when the Colts go up 21, don’t turn off your television. The fun is just beginning. You can stick around and watch the Bolts’ sideline turn into the Spears’ house.

Van: Here’s your bar bet for the game: who does LT go after first? Turner or Philip Rivers? Because somebody’s getting slugged...and, in other news, morning follows night.