Week 17 Prognostications - Train Kept A-Rollin'

In Shakespearean terms, this is the beginning of the fourth act. Generally, the third act ends on a revelation. There’s some boom to it. The fourth act is the climax. In Harry Potter terms, it’s the big fight with Voldemort.

Often, though, the fourth act is constructed in miniature of the whole work. That is to say, it starts out of little consequence, builds action to a climax, then has its own little denouement before moving on the fifth act, which is the denouement for the whole work.

Van: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I nodded off there. What the blue hell were those last two paragraphs? This is FOOTBALL, not lit class, thou gleeking, onion-eyed canker-blossom!

This is the beginning of the fourth act. Little consequence. There is nothing scarier than a week with nothing to lose.

You know what’s going to happen this week? You wanna tell me? ‘Cause I’m about to make these picks and there is not one game on this slate that could not go either way.

The analysis has little to do with normal things – better teams, injuries, matchups. Crap. In basketball terms, this week is all DNP – CD.

Van: What is this, fence rail? Dude, this is FOOTBALL. Normally, you say something witty and then commence to screwing up your picks while wishing you were me. This week? Yeesh. (For those interested in truly witty commentary and devastatingly-accurate picks, click here.)

Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more.

San Francisco at Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco sucks. They suck in a way irreparable in the off-season. They will fire Mike Nolan and suffer yet another coaching change, and a straw poll shows, in true Chicago fashion, that 13 out of every 10 fans wants Eddie DeBartolo back. Speaking of Eazy Eddie D, the Browns built their squad the right way, didn’t they? Wait on their screw-up tight end to shut up and get healthy, dumb into a quarterback, draft a potentially great receiver, pirate somebody, anybody from the Patriot machine. And yet…will their found object of a QB play this week, or will we see the Poor Kid Formerly Known as the Fourth Pick in the Draft?

Van: Cleveland at home? Check. Bad team coming in? Check. Cleveland beats bad teams at home? Check. The Browns win, but their biggest problem isn’t making the playoffs this season. It’s what to do with that Bonus Baby sitting on the bench, in light of Derek Anderson’s play. The sheer amount of cash involved demands some sort of return on their investment in Brady Quinn...but there’s no guarantee that he will ever be as good as Anderson is right now. You might ask the Chargers how that whole Drew Brees/Philip Rivers thing worked out. The Saints got a Pro Bowl veteran, and the Chargers got a guy that LaDainian Tomlinson hates.

Jacksonville at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Houston is just a little luck short of a playoff season. The Texans can play some football, proving once and for all that it is better to scavenge the Broncos than to actually be the Broncos. But without Dunta Robinson, without Andre Johnson, without Matt Schaub, it is harder to win. Next year, fellas. And in this year, Jacksonville is That Team. Every year, there is one team that nobody wants to play. On the road, at home, in the weather, in a dome, on a train, with a fox or in a box, nobody, and I mean the you, Mr. Belichick, wants any part of the Jagwads. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Colonel Del Rio sitting anybody for any reason other than pique. Jags roll.

Van: The Jaguars may be the most compelling reason for certain teams in the AFC to play hard this weekend, because no one wants to face them first. Jack Del Rio has built a formidable squad. And here’s something interesting that I read on Sports Illustrated’s NFL page: if a QB rating of 80 means that your QB is pretty good-to-great, then David Garrard is the best QB in the NFL, because he has yet to score below 80 in any game this season. This offense was tailored to grinding out close wins in the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Miami
Bill’s Pick: Miami
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The Bungles are playing football, but unlike the endless Wayne Fontes cycle in Detroit back in the day (in Detroit, “back in the day” always translates to “when Barry Sanders was playing”), they started too late to save Marvin Lewis’ job. Strangely, the Dolphins may be in better shape for the future than Cincinnati. Cincinnati has very little talent on the defensive side of the ball, and most of their talent on the offensive side is cancerous and needs to be removed by any means necessary. At least Miami does not need to subtract.

Van: I’m still picking Cincy, based solely upon talent. Undisciplined though they are, they can run rings around the j-v in Miami. Still, don’t be surprised if we see something of an effort from the Dolphins. Ordinarily, they would already have the cars packed and running before the game ended, but then the owner hired Bill Parcells to be the Qwisatz Haderach of all things football in Fin-Land. The brighter among them might realize that this is basically a one-game audition for the Tuna, and that a good showing here means a job next training camp. A bad showing, and, well, who wants a castoff from a 1-15 squad?

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Bad as Baltimore is, disconsolate as they are over narrow losses to both Miami and New England, fired as Brian Billick should be, unfit for the NFL as all of the Ravens’ quarterbacks are, this is a feel pick. If Pittsburgh wins, they march into the playoffs, fodder-to-be for the Patriots in Foxboro on January 13, Mike Tomlin’s first year is a big success, free pass to year 2. Similarly, Baltimore loses and they suck as we know they do, with their elderly defense and pedestrian offense incompetent to cross a street, Billick gets fired, Ozzie newsome is on notice, they start looking hard at Patriot copy boys to handle their personnel. But the chaos that ensues when Baltimore wins? The questions, recriminations? That’s what it feels like is going to happen.

Van: Feel pick? This is why you will never catch me, thou artless, fen-sucked hugger-mugger! Coach Loincloth will look at a post-mortem Ravens team and begin salivating about slapping them around for four quarters. Baltimore’s guys have flat-out quit on Brian Billick, while Pittsburgh’s guys get to go to the playoffs.

Minnesota at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Oh, goody. Tenth verse, same as the first nine. Quiz for you – what do you get when you pair a physical team who runs the ball and stops the run and has a playoff spot on the line with a wee little mermaid of a team that does not stop the run, cannot run their offense without the run and has absolutely nothing to play for? Just another victim, kid. Vikings by like 80.

Van: I’m just waiting to see which member of the Broncos blows up at a coach on the sidelines. And while I like Minny here, can someone please inform the Vikings players that smoking marijuana is a CRIME? How the hell do two (!!) players from this team get busted in the same month for smoking the doobage? I’m tempted to give Brad Childress a pass (after all, these are grown men we are talking about, and he shouldn’t have to hold their hands after practice every day), but I still wonder if giving out a pink slip or two wouldn’t have a chilling effect on the current reefer madness.

San Diego at Oakland
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
This should be a riot. The Raiders play the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, bound and determined to lose a war to the United States, played in a fit of poor casting by Norv The #$%&ing Idiot Turner and the Bolts. In order to ensure a losing campaign, they deploy their very own Tully Bascombe, one JaMarcus Russell, an NFL quarterback roughly $30 million more accomplished than I am (P. T. Barnum on in 3…2…1…). The thing is, despite the involvement of Al Davis, this is nominally real life. As big a screw-up as Norv is, the Raiders have a Commitment to Excellence. Once they set their minds to it, there is no way they can win this game.

Van: The Chargers will win again. The fat heads on t.v. will proclaim them “ready for the playoffs.” Heh. In this top-loaded AFC playoff picture, I don’t see San Diego as being any better than the fifth team overall. Honestly, I don’t even believe that they are as tough as the Redskins are, and the ‘Skins might not make the playoffs in the NFC. This team is a bad loss in the playoffs away from falling apart.

Kansas City at The Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: The Jets
What if they had an NFL game and nobody came? Nobody watched? Because you know damn well nobody cares. Already 20 too many words burned on this rot.

Van: The only people who care about this game have money riding on it. And anyone who has money riding on this game needs real help.

Tennessee at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Like Derek Jacoby said in Act IV of Dead Again, “I for one am v-v-very interested to see what is going to happen next.” Here is a coach in Tony Dungy who, God love him, has no idea how to end the regular season gracefully. The Colts are like the Penn Quakers – they always have everything wrapped up a month early, and then they have to…what? Find a hobby? Here is where the Tyrants find out where they are – and I think they are where the Texan are, where the Cubs are every year. Looking forward to next year.

Van: Say what you will about Dungy’s inability to land the plane safely, but the Colts might be the only team in football that could take the AFC Championship away from New England in Foxboro this season. I keep saying it and saying it, these guys are a little sick and tired of being the Super Bowl champion afterthoughts. They beat New England last season and slapped my beloved Bears silly in The Big Roman Numeral, and nobody is giving them any love this season. Peyton Manning is on the verge of his eighth (!!) 4000 yard season and all we can hear about is Tom-Brady-this-and-Derek-Anderson-that. Tennessee will need counseling after this mash-up.

Week 16 Prognostications - Steroids? What Steroids? Ohhhhh, You Mean THESE Steroids...

So, I have this confession to make…

I read the Mitchell report. I did not read any of the little abstracts, I did not listen to commentary, I read the thing. I read it, and I thought, “What a bunch of witless crap.” Besides being poorly written, it was a combination of rehashing the obvious to get to a triple-digit page count and some fairly uninteresting tabloidism. This was not an investigation. This was not journalism. This was not even entertaining.

And yet…

In the aftermath, the misfit toys are crawling out from the shadows to own up to exactly what was in the report and not a speck more. How many times will we get the pleasure of hearing some variation of “Yes, I did it once and it was a horrible decision. I am very sorry.”

Van: About as many times as we got blanket denials before names got named.

Clearly baseball fans are pretty thick, otherwise they would not slavishly pursue such a deathly boring game, but even the blindest must see that there is no way everybody in baseball took a single syringe of HGH. My father used to get mad at me, not so much because I was lying but because I apparently thought he was a complete idiot.

Van: Of course baseball fans are complete idiots, and I am tarring myself with the same brush. We should have learned after 1994, when the used car salesman cancelled the friggin’ World Series, but nooooo…we should have learned when baseball players who used to look like lab assistants started looking like linebackers, but nooooo…We should learn every time a team like Florida or Oakland has a fire sale because they can’t afford to match what the Yankees or the Red Sox will offer their soon-to-be free agents, but noooo…

So, baseball, have a seat. We need to talk. I am very disappointed in you…

Meanwhile, back here at the Posedown, I will attempt to surmount Van’s insurmountable lead. I surmount like no other.

Fire in the hole.

The Giants at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
After accepting that I have been baselessly defending Eli Manning for more than a year, I watched the Giants this past weekend, and they are not very good. Eli truly does suck. Now that I am admitting this, I remember an article about Danny Ainge’s braintyping specialist, who noted before the 2005 draft that Peyton had the perfect brain type for a quarterback, but that Eli would never be any good because he did not. After watching the boy for the last few weeks, who among us could argue that there is something wrong with his brain?

Van: Making matters worse for the G-men, Jeremy Shockey is done for the season…not that he was used that much by Eli in the first place, mind you, but it’s still a big loss. This team is getting banged up at precisely the wrong time of the year, and let’s not forget that they still haven’t clinched anything. If I’m Tom Coughlin, I pull out whatever stops that remain, because there’s no way I want to depend upon beating New England in the last game of the season to make the playoffs.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
The first game between these teams was a like a futurist painting – like “Dynamism of a Bright Orange Offense,” a bunch of drug-induced swipes of orange across a canvas representing a whole lot of offense whizzing by with no mention or representation of defense. This week, the defense will be delivered in equal measure by the weather and the Bungle’ apathy. Since both of these create drag on Cincinnati but only one encumbers Cleveland…Cleveland wins through superior aerodynamics.

Van: I absolutely love the Queen City Kitties to lose this game. There’s no stinkin’ way they muster up the sand to beat a Cleveland team that’s on a mission to make the playoffs. Rudi Johnson is already moaning about his hammy flaring up, and both Whosyamama and Ocho Stinko were seen yelling at Carson Palmer last weekend. Jamal Lewis, on the other hand, gets to see a defense that wants no parts of trying to tackle him; these are a bunch of guys that will wait for help before committing to bringing him down. That means another 150-yard, two TD day for the guy that Jim Brown his own self called a “bowling ball” back in training camp. Turns out the greatest running back ever was right.

Houston at Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
It’s 11 o’clock in Indianapolis and it’s time to roll up the sidewalks. Nothing in this world as sad as a Colts team that knows where it’s going to be the second week of the playoffs. If this game is played in Week 5 with absolutely everything else being equal, Indianapolis wins. This week, they only win if they want to, and we do learn from history. They don’t.

Van: I want to pick Houston. I really, really do. I just can’t see this happening. It’s not a question of Jim Sorgi actually breaking a sweat in a for-real game, it’s Kenton Keith. He’s like the bootleg, Hack-Intosh version of Joseph Addai, which means that the Colts can still pound the football all day without getting key people injured. Besides, aren’t the Colts undefeated against Houston? I’m thinking they don’t want to lay down against these guys just because they can’t improve their playoff slot.

Oakland at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Improbably, not one single Jagwad made the AFC Pro Bowl Team. Jack Del Rio needs to call Bill Belichick and find out how to turn this into a fifty point win.

Van: Poor, poor Oakland. This Jag-Wires team has teeth and a really bad attitude. Fred Taylor and Mo-Jo Drew make a perfect complement to ball-control expert David Garrard, and the defense has more than made up for the loss of Marcus Stroud. The Raiders are going to get savaged because, well, that’s just how Jacksonville rolls. Win or lose, they fight like grizzlies protecting cubs. It sez so right here that they don’t bother waking Al up for this one.

Miami at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Coming into this game on their longest winning streak of the season, the Fish could not possibly be in any better position to upend the mighty Patriots. Consequently, it may be a surprise to them when they get spanked. Actually, this game will be close in the same way that the Jets game was, leaving the barbarians at the gates howling for the head of Bill Belichick for another week. When he does finally throw out a head, don’t be surprised if it’s yours. Or Eric Mangini’s.

Van: This game might have actually had some intrigue if Miami had rolled into Foxboro winless. Or, then again, maybe not. New England hasn’t just beaten teams this season, they have dismissed them. Ignored them. Last week’s beating of the Jets wasn’t personal; it was just one more box checked in the left column. This week’s beating of Miami will be similarly emotionless, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get out of hand. The Pats will be about as emotional as a locomotive…and just about as unstoppable.

The Jets at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
The Tuxedoes’ fanatical determination to lose their playoff spot hits a speed bump this week in the J!E!T!S! Somehow, the former Tyrants must overcome their delusions adequacy for long enough to keep from stepping on their own…erm, stuff for sixty whole minutes. I don’t think they can, but maybe all it will take is about thirty-five, forty-five minutes.

Van: The Jets don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Titans don’t have a quarterback they trust. The Jets have a so-so running game. The Titans have a pretty good running game…as long as someone remembers to leave McDonald’s wrappers in the end zone for LenWhale White to smell. Still, they are at home, and the Jets don’t have any particular reason to win, as Eric Mangini is likely to get fired anyway (really, the only difference between 3-13 and 5-11 is draft position). Tennessee believes themselves to be in the thick of the AFC wildcard chase, deluded though they are, so they are likely to give a bit more effort.

Denver at San Diego
Bill’s Pick: San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Oh, goody. ‘Long about the time that Norv The #$&*ing Idiot Turner figures out that LaDainian Tomlinson is good, the Donkeys roll into town. Cue “Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” – the same Donkeys that already gave up 41 points to the Bolts at Invesco…the same horrible defense that gave up seven touchdowns to LT in two games last year…man, I can’t wait. And on national television, too. Maybe I will start drinking now. The only thing that could make this better would be…oh, wait. I will already be at the in-laws.

Van: And the wheels are coming off for the Broncos. Exactly what the hell is Brandon Marshall running his yap about? It can’t be that the offense doesn’t come to him enough…hell, he’s pretty much the whole shootin’ match these days. Travis Henry returns from a cloud of reefer smoke, while Todd “The Dumbest Man Alive” Sauerbrun gets his walking papers from this team AGAIN. It won’t matter that LT hates, and I mean HATES, Philip Rivers. It won’t matter that the Bolts defense scares no one but themselves. This Bronco team has Q.U.I.T. How else does one explain that utter prison-raping they took from Houston (!!) last weekend? As far as they are concerned, their lockers are already cleared out and the cars are already loaded, and the last game of the season can’t get here soon enough.

Week 15 Prognostications - Better Late Than Never...

(Ed. note - This edition of Prognostications is late because Bill is a bonehead. There is no other reason than that. He's still my "ride or die" and all that, but, well, he's also a bonehead. This is probably why I'm kicking his rear end this season.)
So that we can dispense with preliminaries, I am going to beat Van and all of that, humiliate him, scatter him to the seven seas like so much chum…whatever. I got something else on my mind.

When I anointed Bobby Petrino “The Bitch,” I did not completely commit. I should have canonized him or knighted him so that he could be “St. Bitch” or “Sir Bitch.” When The Bitch committed the ultimate unmanly act of skipping town in the middle of the night (without even having Bob Irsay’s flair and taking the entire team with him) with THREE GAMES LEFT, he branded himself forever a college coach. I have no idea what sort of moral flexibility is required to coach Division I football, but on the whole they are starting to make bible-thumping senators look positively ingenuous.

Van: You wouldn't be referring to bible-thumping senators who solicit cops in restrooms, wouldja?
Any discussion between multiple talking heads will find one of them explaining (in such a way that sounds suspiciously like defending) that anything The Bitch did to get from point A to point B – that is, lying to Arthur Blank, leaving with THREE GAMES LEFT – is simply what is done. College football coaches have managed to push the envelope so far that now it just doesn’t hold anything.

Van: The worst part isn't that he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. The worst part is HOW he left with THREE GAMES LEFT. Basically, he told the assistant coaches something like this: "Um, fellas...? I'm out. C ya." Then he snuck into the locker room and put something like a yellow Post-It on the door with a note to the same effect...at least he got the color of the Post-It right.
I am not normally a guy to start howling about the decline of Western Civilization, about how much better things were in the old days, but would you let one of these rotten, lying bastards into your home to talk to your son? Virtually every Division I-A (or whatever stupid distinction they make now) coach cheats. Always has. I am not condoning or forgiving cheating; however, there is a line to be drawn between lying and cheating for the betterment of the player/team/program/university/sometimes even state and lying and cheating for your own advancement.

Van: There are some situations where lying and cheating for your own advancement might be called upon...my sisters will all vouch that my current undefeated record at Monopoly was due in large part to my secret, interest-free loans from the bank, not to mention my uncanny ability to always hit the Free Parking lottery with dice they didn't know I'd loaded.

Furthermore, Arthur Blank (who seems like a classy and forthright guy for whom I would happily work) said that The Bitch said it had something to do with his family. The guy has had jobs in thirteen different places since 1983 – for him to try to hide behind a family that he just noticed he had makes me want to throw up. I wish DeAngelo Hall had just kicked his ass in Week Three so at least there would have been justice somewhere in the world. That’s right. I am reduced to looking to DeAngelo Hall to set the world right.

All right, I’m done. Woo pig sooie.

Van: Now that he's done ranting, you can check out my NFC picks (submitted BEFORE games started playing, by the way), right here. Because Bill is a bonehead.
Gentlemen, start your engines.

Denver at Houston

Bill’s Pick: Denver

Van’s Pick: Houston

People sometimes ask me, “Hey, Bill, was the Broncos brutal mauling of the Chefs a harbinger of a pointless late-season run or is it just another mirage in this desert of a lost season?” My answer, as ever, is that I do not know. The Donkeys finally cut Sam Adams, the Ultimate Fatass, an admission too late that Jim Bates’ system took too many steps back for what last year was a very good Broncos defense. This is a good sign for the future, but the future is not now – it is net year. Most of what I saw Sunday was the Chefs’ general inability to play football on either side of the ball. Now former Shanahan protégé Gary Kubiak gets the Donkeys on a short week at Reliant Stadium and we will see. No, I have no reason to believe the Broncos will win.

Van: Denver loses this game because this is the kind of game that Denver loses, plain and simple. Moreover, it is now an undisputable fact that whatever mojo Mike Shanahan had, Gary Kubiak took it with him to South Texas because the Texans simply Do. Not. Quit. Ever. Mario Williams is making Charlie Casserly look like a genius, even though it was Casserly who foisted David Carr onto the Texans in the first place...anyhow, when the Donkeys get beat by Sage By-God Rosenfels, let me hear nothing about "find a better option" when I demand Leatherface's head, because, at this point, damn near anyone would be a better option.

Buffalo at Cleveland

Bill’s Pick: Cleveland

Van’s Pick: Cleveland

When the Browns make the playoffs, Derek Anderson should get his own Rocky Balboa statue in Cleveland. And Romeo Crennel should pay for it. Actually, if Anderson throws me to a fantasy football title, I will throw the winning in. I started the year with, I am not kidding, Steve McNair, Joey Harrington and Rex Grossman as my quarterbacks, and I finished the year a respectable third in my league in passing. Here, I think they beat Buffalo easily because I also drafted Lee Evans, who has sucked almost all year.

Van: Derek Anderson is that perfect storm of hype and opportunity, but he ain't the reason why Cleveland will advance in the playoffs...at least, he's not the only reason. Lookit what I found leading the NFL in rushing for the last four weeks: Jamal Lewis! And, better yet, he's running like the Jamal Lewis who trampled the NFL a few seasons ago in Baltimore, and not the out-of-shape ex-con who couldn't get out of his own way a couple of years ago. If Lewis is well and truly back to his grill-busting style of running, these Browns will spoil someone's postseason party.

Tennessee at Kansas City

Bill’s Pick: Tennessee

Van’s Pick: Tennessee

Kansas City can’t play dead.

Van: And Carl Peterson's head must roll.

Baltimore at Miami

Bill’s Pick: Baltimore

Van’s Pick: Baltimore

Right up the road in Orlando, Magic GM Pat Williams once said, “We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” In the sad case of the Dolphins, they tried London, and it did not work. The Fish have played games on the two worst fields seen in the NFL in years. They lost their starting quarterback and running back and then traded their best receiver apparently out of a fear that he was next. They determined for perhaps the eleventh time in franchise history that Cleo Lemon was bad, so they put in Quarterback of the Future John Beck. Problem is, you get a pass for bad season if you use it to build for the future, but nothing will ever forgive 0-16, so Cleo’s back. Welcome back, Cleo. It just wasn’t a party without you.

Van: What is there to say here, really? Both of these teams are coming into this "game" with legendary losing streaks attached, but the fact is this: if Baltimore actually loses this game, everyone should be fired. Every last stinking one of them. Don't even fly 'em home. Make 'em hitch-hike. If Brian Billick can't muster an effort from his team against these sad sacks, it is OVER in Ballmer.
The Jets at New England

Bill’s Pick: New England

Van’s Pick: New England

Only two things can stop the Patriots – a brilliantly executed game plan by a really good team or their own apathy. Somehow, I am not seeing either one at work here. Several commentator have cracked that the Patriots may try to score 100. That’s not funny. That’s a legitimate goal.

Van: I got nothin'. There is no way that Hoodie and the Blowout Fish lose to the rat bastard Man-genius. No. Way. Period.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville

Van’s Pick: Jacksonville

If you tear an ACL, you are gone for the season. A separated shoulder buys you maybe four weeks. High ankle sprain – two or three. And if you suffer a broken ego from a monumental beatdown at the hands of those bad men from Boston, you miss the next week as well. Teams are 3-9 the week after losing to the Pats, and the worse the emasculation, the longer the recovery (see Gibbs, Joe). If Pittsburgh recovers in time, this is the must see football purist game of the year. If not, it’s just Drew and Merriman all over again.

Van: Right now, Jacksonville might be the toughest team in football. They lost Marcus Stroud but they haven't lost their sense of purpose. For that, you must look to their head coach. Jack Del Rio ain't perfect, and he occasionally makes head-scratching decisions, but no one can say that he doesn't prepare his guys or get them into the best position to win. And, I have to admit it: Fred Taylor is Fraud no more to me. This guy has been an absolute revelation for the Jags. When you consider a legitimate two-headed running attack, a ball-control QB, and a ferocious defense, the Jags are another team that will spoil someone's postseason.

Indianapolis at Oakland

Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis

Van’s Pick: Indianapolis

The Raiders are carrying four quarterbacks for reasons best known only to Al Davis, and have committed to starting absolutely anybody but JeMarcus Russell. Da Raidas are 4-9, which in the NFC would put them in the middle of the wild card chase, but in the AFC puts them a whole lot closer to the second pick in the draft. Here’s the thing – the Raiders are not bad. They mostly play hard, they have a good defense, a good running game, some decent receivers, a decent return game and, quietly, one of the five best punters in NFL history. Lane Kiffin might be a legitimate coach (and as such I apologize for all UPS jokes that I may or may not have made at points earlier in the season). BUT (that is, big but, not little but) they suffer from the great modern football palsy of poor quarterback play. Russell will obviously start for the Raiders next year, so why the people by the bay think he will get better without playing is kind of a mystery.

Van: The Colts have a tendency to play down to the level of their competition this season, but then they still win games, which means we'll probably get a lot of Joseph Addai in this one, and that ain't a bad thing. And while I'm all good with waiting for rookies to develop, what on earth are the Raiders waiting on? It's not like they are suddenly going to get all better and wind up in the playoffs...I don't know, maybe JaMarcus Russell somehow ended up in Marcus Allen's old doghouse. Al is kinda foggy these days, and when someone said JaMarcus, he heard Marcus and, well, you get the picture.
Detroit at San Diego

Bill’s Pick: San Diego

Van’s Pick: San Diego

Detroit has lost five in a row. Furthermore, they know it. They were bad on the road even before they started their big skid, and they know that, too. The Chargers will deliver unto the Lions a mighty thrashing, one that will build the Chargers’ unearned reputation as an elite team. Go ahead and mark this down – everything is good now, but when the Chargers get crushed, and I do mean crushed, in the divisional round of the playoffs, the fans will notice that Schottenheimer did better.

Van: The only thing falling faster than the Lions are the bathing suits at a Playboy Mansion swimming party. These guys are in full-fledged Lion mode, stinking outright on the road. Their last victory was against Denver (not to rub salt in any wounds, but geez, if that wasn't enough to get Shanahan fired, nothing will ever be...). They can't run, they can't defend, they can't pass, they can't coach, they can't draft, and their uniforms suck. On the plus side, they are a lot of fun to make fun of because they are officially worse than the Bears, records notwithstanding. The only real problem with this game is that San Diego will win in a rout, and all those "experts" will really believe that this game means something. What it means is that San Diego will get to play in the playoffs...and likely face someone like Cleveland or Jacksonville. Farewell, and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladies...

Quick Slants - Week 14

Some things you guess, some things you think, and some things you just know.

The Saints won...and they will have the same impact on the playoff picture as belly button lint has on airline weight limits.

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

Remember when the Ravens used to be the team holding the hammer this late in the season, and not the other way around?

Then, too, they did just come off a crushing near-upset of the perfect Patriots, only to face the Rodney Dangerfield Colts, who were more than ready to pounce upon their broken hearts and pound them senseless...

...and it sez so right here that those same Colts are comparative-scoring their way into believing that they can beat New England in January.

In Foxboro.

No. Really.

So, Denver blew out Kansas City, which is kinda nice in that they get to be the team on the sunny side of a lopsided score for the first time this season.

Before anyone goes and gets all misty-eyed about how this Bronco team pulled together and gave a unified effort, this is the same squad that went belly up to the 5-Losses-In-A-Row-And-Counting-Lions...

And we won’t even bring up that debacle in Oakland...

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

With every game, every yard passed, every touchdown tallied, and every step closer to the playoffs, Derek Anderson adds millions to his next contract.

If the brass in Chicago has a pulse, they would be wise to drain Lake Michigan to pay whatever the Browns ask for him.

And if they can’t raise the money legitimately, hey, it’s Chicago. I’m pretty sure that Jerry Angelo knows a guy who knows a guy...a couple of phone calls get made out to Cicero...a couple of wire transfers get made...and for the price of a luxury box suite in perpetuity to a bunch of guys in the, ah, “shipping” business, da Bears will have themselves a genuine franchise QB.

Memo To Anyone Playing New England This Season: Don’t let an alligator mouth overload a butterfly butt. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your rear end can’t cash. Well done is better than well said. Or, as my dear, departed dad might have said...

SHUT. The. Hell. Up.

Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the Patriots deliberately targeted Anthony Smith or anything like that...

...but that boy did end up in a lot of highlights where guys were behind him catching passes for touchdowns.

Just sayin’, is all...

Sage Rosenfels? Again?

It’s official: Brad Childress has regained his name in my book, and has thoroughly won my respect back. Yes, his Minnesota team thumped the crap out of a bad San Francisco team.

But that’s what good teams do: they thump the crap out of bad teams wherever they play them. They don’t lose on the road to the corpses in Oakland, and they don’t lose to a Redskins team two days removed from a funeral.

Tarvaris Jackson, for all the righteous grief that Bill Bryan has (deservedly) heaped upon him, has posted four games in a row with a passer rating of 90 or better (neither Rex Grossman nor Eli Manning can make that claim), the defense continues to hit people in the jibs, and the running game is officially a beast.

The beauty of a power running game like Minnesota’s is that they really don’t give a hoot if you put nine or ten men in the box, because they’re gonna shove “65-Toss-Power-Trap” right down your throat whether you like it or not, and they’re gonna do it all day, and they’re gonna do it with two backs capable of hanging a number on your defense.

So, the Seahawks clinched the NFC West and San Diego is about to clinch the AFC West.

Remind me again about the sound of one hand clapping...?

It doesn’t matter what either of these teams do from here on out, because they are nothing more than first round playoff fodder. Seriously, does anyone really like San Diego to beat Jacksonville in the first round? How about Seattle playing someone like Minnesota?

The Giants managed to squeak by an Iggles squad that a good team would have stomped the crap out of (see Minnesota), not that it matters. This team feels like the Kyle Orton Bears of a couple of years ago...they’re winning, no one really seems to know why, and they will have their club keys invalidated during the first round of the playoffs.

Say what you will about the Expansion Bowl betwixt Jacksonville and Carolina, but there is one glaring difference between the two programs that points to success more than anything else: quarterback.

When Carolina lost Jake Delhomme, they lost their season, period. Never mind that Delhomme doesn’t block, tackle, run the ball, catch passes, kick field goals, or call the plays, mind you...

Jack Del Rio, on the other hand, figured that he was going about as far with Byron Leftwich as he could. No one questions Leftwich’s courage - that guy would fight a hungry lion for a steak – but he just didn’t make good decisions with the football often enough to suit the coach.

David Garrard, on the other hand, is what guys like Trent Dilfer and Kyle Boller should have been: an efficient game manager who will not beat himself, who will not take his team out of a key moment, and who can occasionally make a play to win a game for you.

Just like I said last week, that thumping sound you’re hearing is the sound of fat sportswriter butts re-planting themselves on the Chargers’ bandwagon, as though beating a headless Tennessee team in overtime proves anything. Peter King, in particular, who should know better, was giving the Chargers big ol’ sloppy kisses in his recent Monday Morning Quarterback column...and why?

Lest we forget, this is the same team where Norv Turner had to be tied down like Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” and made to watch hours of looped game film of Number 21("he's on our team? Really?...wow...") before he figured out that it’s a good idea for all involved to get LT the friggin’ football with some regularity.

This is the same team where their allegedly badass linebacker Shawne Merriman got blown to pieces on a blitz pickup by Maurice Jones-Drew, all five-foot-nothin’ of him...

These guys are going to draw someone hungry and filthy like Cleveland, behind hot hand Derek Anderson and rejuvenated wrecking ball Jamal Lewis and ol’ Norv will be at a podium after the game being asked how he managed to lose with a team this talented.

Sage Rosenfels? Again? Who IS this man?

And how the hell can the TEXANS, a friggin’ expansion franchise, find TWO quarterbacks THIS SEASON while the god-awful Bears can’t find ONE in 88 FRIGGIN’ YEARS?

Remember what I wrote earlier about good teams thumping the crap out of bad teams? See the Green Bay/Oakland score...geez...

Right now, if the Lions played the Dolphins, a hole would get ripped in the space/time continuum yada yada yada tentacular horrors, etc., etc.,...

I mean, the Dolphins, a franchise that featured Larry Czonka and Jim Kiick, guys who wouldn’t fumble the football if you hit them in the nards right now, this same franchise fielded a team last Sunday that turned the football over TEN TIMES...8 by fumble...
(Insert Your Own Joke Here).

...and I’m OUT like Jason Campbell...tough luck, kid...

Week 14 Prognostications - Lies, Damn Lies, And Bill's Picks

I saw a piece on Nostradamus on the History Channel a few weeks ago, and in addition to being regularly wrong, he was a complete paranoiac wingnut. So, on the off chance that Van manages to edge me this year, I have already set the groundwork for what I intend to think about prognostication generally.

Van: I can see it now: Bill crowing about moral victories and his lone, great week of domination as he tries to console himself that second place really isn’t first loser. Again. Not that I’m counting, you understand.

Experts have started to nibble around the edge of the sudden shift in fashion away from the 350 carry running back, but nobody has yet applied it to where it really matters, which is fantasy football. Next year, only the foolish league will draft running backs with 20 of the first 24 picks, because suddenly backs are what receivers have always been – a commodity readily available on the waiver wire starting in Week Two. Did anybody draft Kolby Smith, Earnest Graham, Derrick Ward, Andre Hall, Ryan Grant, Justin Fargas, Ron Dayne, or any of the other spare runners who turned in at least one monster week?

Van: Methinks my perpetually-befuddled pal hath a point. If anything, the field at running back has leveled out tremendously. There used to be a fairly steep drop-off point from the elite backs to what some have called “The Eddie George Level,” where guys like Reuben Droughns and Thomas Jones are carrying the mail. Now? Other than Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson, I don’t know of a back that I’d draft before the third round. Quarterback is now the pick-du-jour of the first round. Do not be surprised to see six or seven signal callers gone before the first round is done next summer.

The ability to reevaluate the landscape consistently is what will allow me to overcome this minor deficit and beat Van this year.

Van: The ability to manipulate reality to whatever suits him is why he will lose to me this year. Check my picks out here and compare, o mighty wise shopper.

Ours not to question why, ours but to do or die. On, on, on.

Carolina at Jacksonville
Bill’s Pick: Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
It would probably be unfair to judge these two franchises who showed up on our doorstep the same day twelve short years ago by this game, but then, did I ever claim to be fair? Word around the campfire is that John Fox’s job is on the line, that The Chin has measured the commute and found it suitable. Fifteen teams hope that this is so, because Fox is an upgrade for all of them, and no matter how much you love Cowher, he would be losing with David Carr and Vinny Testaverde, too. Now that I cadged your catchphrase, Mr. Walker, what campfire is this, exactly?

Van: The campfire? Hey, the game is sold, not told, rookie. Anyway, you already made my point for me, in your typically stilted, backhanded way: Bill Cowher will NOT be coaching the Panthers anytime soon, for the very reasons you have elucidated: no QB. Quarterbacks are either healthy or they are broken or they are Rex Grossman, who was broken, then healthy, then “made us all wish he was still broken.” Paraphrasing Denethor from the box-set special edition of LOTR, “Do not trouble me with Jake Delhomme. I know him and his uses are but few.” Fact is, if Delhomme was going to do it, he’d have done it by now. Having already coached a QB that has done “it,” Cowher isn’t going to be sucked into believing any signal caller on the Panthers roster is anywhere near the level of the last guy he had. And if the Panthers kick John Fox to the curb, who wears the headset next season?

San Diego at Tennessee
Bill’s Pick: Tennessee
Van’s Pick: San Diego
The Chargers are Dead Men Walking. With A.J. Smith’s puzzling announcement that Norv Turner will be back net year, the Chargers have nothing left to play for. This is like the end of Trading Places, where it turns out that Jason Robards ruined Dan Ackroyd’s life for a dollar. You can look for even the indomitable LaDainian Tomlinson to shuffle listlessly through this game, because not only will they continue to be mediocre team in a horrible division this year, which was not exactly their preseason goal, but now there is no next year. What are they supposed to tell each other? “Wait ‘til 2009, dog. We’ll get ‘em in 2009.”

Van: First off, Jason Robards wasn’t even IN “Trading Places,” bonehead. Somehow you’re slandering either Ralph Bellamy or Don Ameche, venal sins to be sure, but still... Second, this is precisely the kind of game that the Chargers will win convincingly, to the sound of experts salivating across the land. “Oh, they’ve got the ship righted.” “Oh, Norv’s gonna really break out with this team.” Oh, crap. Whether they stomp the Titans or not, they are still no better than fourth or fifth in the AFC right now, which still spells “first round playoff exit.”

Miami at Buffalo
Bill’s Pick: Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Buffalo
D-III product Fred Jackson looked pretty good last week, and every time he touches the ball, I just want to yell, “Janet Jackson? Got outta the car looking more like Freddy Jackson!” Not that it matters – the love of Van’s life, Marshawn Lynch, looks to be back in the lineup this week, lighting up safeties, fighting for extra yards and sitting on Van’s lap singing “Happy Birthday” to him on national television. I still do not believe that Miami will go 0-16 (though the magnificence with which they blew a golden opportunity against the brutal J!E!T!S! suggests otherwise), but I can tell you that when they finally do get one, it will not be on the road, and certainly not in cold weather.

Van: Then, according to whatever it is that you call logic, they will have to win one of their remaining two home games. Against either Baltimore or Cincinnati. First off, there is NO STINKIN WAY that a Ray Lewis team loses to a winless team, period, not if he has to make every damn tackle his own self…which, in this case, might not be that big of a challenge. Second, are you seriously suggesting that Carson Palmer won’t find Whosyamama, Ocho Stinko, and Jailbreak Henry all night? And I think we can forget about a win at New England, even if The Belicheat plays the second string. They blew the only chance remaining to them to avoid history when they laid down against the Jets last weekend. They are done. Perhaps the ’72 Curmudgeons will send the current edition their cases of champagne, to be opened when the next team fails to go O-Fer-The-Season…

St. Louis at Cincinnati
Bill’s Pick: St. Louis
Van’s Pick: St. Louis
The problem here is that Paul Brown Stadium has no roof. This means that wind, snow, even sunshine can run amok through the field, and any of these things are enough to give Marc Bulger a season-ending injury. The Rams are not very good with or without Bulger, with or without Steven Jackson, with or without them, with or without them. They just suck, with or without them. But at least they care. I would have a hard time picking the Bungles for student council treasurer right now, because a lack of talent trumps a lack of integrity every time. If the Rams manage to strike quickly, watch the Bungles magically disintegrate into a big dollop of disinterested goo.

Van: Tell ya what, ya gotta respect the effort that Torry Holt has put in this season. His numbers are typically stellar, even though he’s been the lone consistent offensive option all season. I can’t even tell you how he’s done it, what with both Flotsam and Jetsam playing QB this season and no running game to speak of. The Bengals? Meh.

Tampa Bay at Houston
Bill’s Pick: Houston
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
If it’s Hanukkah, it must be Sage Rosenfels. I like the Texans and I just don’t get the Bucs, so that’s all the analysis you get.

Van: I like Tampa Bay because they are better than Houston, period. Say what you will of Earnest Graham, but he utterly trumps anything at running back for the Texans. Speaking of which, the last GM passed on Reggie Bush, and rightly so, because he saw a lot of money being flushed down a second-and-long hole…which makes it rather inexplicable that the current guy spent a HUUUGE pile of dough on a guy trying to make first downs from the trainer’s table. Still, Houston fans are happy because all the amyl nitrate that David Carr popped was making their eyes water.

Pittsburgh at New England
Bill’s Pick: New England
Van’s Pick: New England
Some Steeler safety of whom I have never heard has guaranteed victory over the Patriots. This is exactly why there is still hazing in football, why it is occasionally your teammates’ responsibility to duct tape your dumb ass into your own locker. While the Patriots inability to stop the run, exposed originally by the Colts and since used by everyone who can stay close enough to still use the run, is a little disquieting, but it sez so right here that America’s Favorite Football Coach deploys a couple of new ideas aimed at stopping Fast Willie Parker, whom you may remember I don’t like anyway.

Van: “Meddle not in the affairs of the dragon; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” Y’know, we all like a good upset, largely because they are so rare. For all of the Yankees’ postseason struggles, the fact remains that they’ve won more World Series’ in the last decade than the Cubs have in the last century. Some cipher on Pittsburgh guaranteeing victory is about as bright as bearding a dragon in its own lair. And, last I checked, there ain’t a Red Crosse Knight, Beowulf, or Bard the Bowman on Pittsburgh’s active roster. This game is a rout by halftime.

Kansas City at Denver
Bill’s Pick: Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I have a reason this time. Travis Henry is Joe Pendleton from Heaven Can Wait, back from the dead to get it right. This week, armed with the rock, some gimpy backups and a new lease on life, he faces a Chiefs defense playing with the Bengals’ cast-off linebackers. Javon Walker is a week healthier. The best thing that can happen for the Broncos’ defense is the opportunity to play an actual NFL game where the offense and special teams do not continually place them in ridiculous situations. There is no guarantee that this will happen, but at least the Chefs are missing enough playmakers that the Donkeys will have to give the ball up without much prodding, which I always hope they stop doing.

Van: I have a better reason this time. Kansas City stinks on wheat. The only touchdown they scored last weekend came from a defensive lineman. That’s not good. Neither are they.

Cleveland at the Jets
Bill’s Pick: The Jets
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
I hate myself for this pick, but the Jets are playing half-decent ball right now and the Browns look to me like a team looking for a place to collapse. The Browns looked really good in the middle rounds, but this is an honest-to-goodness heavyweight fight, full 16 rounds. Big boy stuff. The Jets ducked and covered for most of the season, meaning they will get easily outpointed but have an unlikely level of punching power left.

Van: I actually changed my mind on this one only about a hundred times. It sez so right here that the Brownies finally get off the schnide and win a road game. The Jets can be had. All the Browns have to do is get them into a shootout, because the Jets don’t have enough bullets in the holster to compete. If Cleveland gets out to an early lead of like 10-0 or 14-0, it’s over before halftime. If the Jets are leading by some low, baseball-type score, the Brownies lose. I’m taking the Browns to score a bundle in this one.

Indianapolis at Baltimore
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
The Colts with a bullet. One of those great big ones they use to hunt blue whales (or, you know, that they would use to hunt blue whales if they did such a thing). The Ravens played their Super Bowl last week against the Patriots, and this short week is not enough time for them to face that the season is still going. The Ravens very nearly conquered Everest, but on the final ascent managed to coach, play, and talk themselves out of going any further. For the record, people who do that on Everest generally die.

Van: The Colts can’t beat the Patriots, and, right now, they might not be able to beat the Cowboys, but they will pimp-slap the taste out of the Ravens’ mouths this weekend. The Colts match up so much better with Baltimore than the Patriots do, because of Joseph Addai. Having him as an ultra-reliable, yard-getting, clock-eating option on the offense will stop Rex Ryan’s Havoc Wreakers from pillaging the offense the way they pillaged New England last weekend, AND the Colts regularly use the no-huddle, which means that the heavy-breathers up front for Baltimore will be gassed before the first Peyton Manning commercial.

Quick Slants - Week 13

So, there I am, minding my own business, checking into my Yahoo! account, when I read the following tag-line: “Patriots’ perfect season should’ve ended.”

Clicking on the button brought up the following headers: “Patriots’ great escape,” and “The Ravens had the Patriots beat before they collapsed and Tom Brady took charge.”

To all of which I say:

The good people at Yahoo! couldn’t be more wrong.

The Patriots’ perfect season should NOT have ended. The Patriots did NOT escape. And the Ravens did NOT have the Patriots beat, et cetera et cetera...

No one gets credit for winning 59 minutes of a 60 minute game, or the Bears would have a victory this week (and one against the Chargers, truth be told)...as would anyone else who has ever led a game through 59 minutes and lost.

Last I checked, the winning team had the most points after 60 minutes...or overtime.

The Patriots, for the twelfth time this season, were that team, despite everything a game Ravens squad did to change the outcome.

The simple fact is that the Ravens did not do enough to win, and the Patriots did.

This is what we are reduced to: we no longer marvel at New England’s victories, nor at the fact that they are producing when it counts most, but that they are no longer blowing opponents off the field.

That is greatness.

Meanwhile...

Some things you guess. Some things you think. And some things you just know.

The Lions will finish with a record below .500 yet again during the Matt Millen era, and this after starting 6-2 through their first 8 games.

They have dropped 4, count ‘em, 4 games in a row and that whooshing sound they’re hearing is the sound of a team that has reached terminal velocity...and the bottom can’t get here soon enough.

They just lost stud receiver Roy Williams for what looks like the rest of the season, and if I’m Roy, I am in no itchin’ hurry to get back to the ass-whuppins remaining on their schedule (Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay).

The Bears are now officially playing for next season, having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at home against the bloody awful Giants.

And all they have to do is: find a quarterback, find a running back, shore up an ancient and creaky O-line, and stiffen up a defense that looks like it needs the little blue pill worse than Citizen Ron Dole did back in the day.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers keep finding ways to win, this despite what appears to be a black hole at quarterback.

Explanation for San Diego’s recent victory: Norv “Al Gore” Turner gave LT the ball 23 times. LT responded with an absurd 177 rushing yards and 2 TDs.

There is no truth to the rumor that Turner was seen asking GM A.J. Smith the following question: “That kid’s been on the roster all year, or did you sign him from the practice squad? We gotta get him some touches or something.”

There may be some truth to the rumor that Viking veterans wish Adrian Peterson wasn’t such a quick healer, as his continued jaunts into enemy territory further secure Boo Boo The Fool Childress’ job status for the immediate future.

Still, we did have a Tavaris Jackson sighting last Sunday...but before we go getting all excited and stuff, remember that said sighting came against the Lions.

This is kinda like the idiot brother-in-law you hate showing you video of Bigfoot that he caught last week...sure, it might be true, but, well, consider the friggin’ source...

Maybe it’s just me, but no one is talking about how the Colts escaped with a victory against the Jaguars, even though the game was just as hotly contested as was New England/Baltimore...

But then again, apparently, there’s something wrong with the team that won last season’s championship...never mind that they’ve only lost twice this season (once to New England, and once through your Deity/Higher Power Of Choice’s direct intervention against San Diego).

Still, what kind of “knee bruise” keeps Marvin Harrison out for seven games so far...and likely until the playoffs, if then?

This just in – FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN.

Last week, it was Devin Hester. This week, it was Justin Fargas. The Broncos have tackled neither to date...

Overheard after last week’s debacle in Oakland: “Scouting report? Vat is zis “scouting report” you speak of? Ve need no such “scouting reports” to play ze foosball in Denver! Ve play! Like ze beautiful muzik, we play! And ve giff to our players ze Lie Detector because ve knows dey are all truth-telling, high-moral-fiber persons who don’t drive drunk, smoke ze dope, or beat up ze ordinary palookas at ze house parties!”

Attention: Bill Cowher, please pick up the white courtesy phone...it’ll be Pat Bowlen, asking if you and your family like skiing and something about complimentary season lift tickets...

Gotta love Vince Young. The guy’s been killing me all year and picks this week to wake up...geez...

I’d make a snide remark about Atlanta/St. Louis, except, well...they could get into a West Side Story Jets versus Sharks knife fight and it still wouldn’t draw more than flies.

Finally, you’re the Miami Dolphins.

You are at home.

You are facing the one team on your schedule that you could conceivably beat.

You don’t want to be the first team in NFL history to go 0-16, especially with the fact that your franchise is the only one in NFL history to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl.

No one needs that kind of ironic notoriety.

So what kind of effort do you sum up against the benighted New York Jets, with the weight of history on your side?

You respond by taking your first lead in the game at 13-10...and then promptly giving up 30 unanswered points.

Way to answer the bell. Punks.

...and I’m OUT like Derrick Ward...